I’ve noticed from feedback that I’ve received, from two posts in particular (12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression and Things to Say to Someone with Depression), that issues and worries facing carers are a major concern.

In response, my wife Anna will be writing 4 or 5 posts about these issues, spread over the coming 3 to 4 weeks, to relate how she has coped as a carer.

It’s really hard being a carer when all you want to be is a wife, husband, partner, or friend. It’s important to have strategies to deal with different situations and remain in your normal relationship as much as possible. This is what I want to work through in these posts.

I’ve learned over time that James and I can relate to each other in a rational manner even when he is ill. This has been a learning process; it hasn’t always been the case. And I still often feel like I’m walking on egg shells depending on the severity of the episode.

The key strategy that I’ve learned is how to talk to James when he is sick, either high or low. When he becomes ill he turns into a different person. I say goodbye to my husband, so to speak, and hello to bipolar James. In a depressive episode he becomes highly irritable and usually itches for a fight. Early on he will often make comments to bait me. “All I do is work, work, work, to support your lifestyle and your precious social group.” You can imagine what a red rag to a bull that comment is.

At this point I have 2 options:
1. Take the bait, have a messy fight and accelerate his downswing, or
2. Grit my teeth and say “it’s the illness speaking”. If I can do that then I have a much better chance of diffusing the situation. A comment like “You sound stressed about work - let’s talk” has better results and sometimes can even stop the mood swing.

Lately I’ve also been able to say “Let’s talk before you get stuck in a negative cycle of thinking.” This is huge progress for us. It usually results in a fairly sensible conversation.

James says some very hurtful things to me when he’s depressed, but I only tell him how he’s hurt me when he’s better. I wait until he is rational and can deal with it, rather than inflame the situation further when he is ill. I’ve also learned not to take his bait so personally, as I’ve come to recognize it for what it is.

It’s important to know that I couldn’t do this if I didn’t recognize the start of a mood swing. You need to listen to what is really being said before you reply to comments. Is the person sick? Are they really asking for help? Is this a normally held opinion? A few seconds of thought can save a lot of heartbreak.

Next time I can get on the computer I’ll write on learning about the illness and recognizing early symptoms.

Click here for the second post in this series, Know the Enemy.

Stigma is shame, disgrace, discrimination. So begins “Crying Shame“, a report by the Priory Group in the UK, written to increase awareness of the stigma surrounding mental illness, and encourage people to be more accepting of sufferers.

“Stigma” is a catch-all kind of word. It’s a group of negative attitudes and beliefs that motivate people to fear, reject, and discriminate against those with mental illnesses. They avoid living, socializing or working with, renting to, or employing them.

I have never suffered from this stigma. I’ve rarely felt it, and when I have, I’ve chosen to ignore it. But as the comments on this blog have increased and I’ve received more email, I’ve come to realize that the stigma surrounding mental illness is, unbelievably, alive and very well. And widespread. Many readers here are feeling its effects.

The “Crying Shame” report reveals that 72% of adults in the UK believe that there is a stigma attached to mental illness, and that people with a mental illness are unpredictable (79%), dangerous (50%) and scary (49%). Only 45 per cent think that people with long-term mental illnesses can live independent, fulfilled lives. Hmmm…excuse me? It is ironic that mental illness touches just about everyone, in one way or another, over the course of their lifetime.

Stigma is borne out of fear and ignorance, so a good way to counter it is to replace the preconceptions and misinformation with better understanding and knowledge.

It’s a start, but at a personal level it’s much easier said than done.

Did you know that today, September 13, is Positive Thinking Day?

The Day has its own website, which says that its purpose is simply to celebrate the benefits of positive thinking. Not a bad idea.

The first thing to do is to focus on the following Positive Thinking Day affirmation: “I choose to create a great day!”

Based on my understanding of affirmations, for it to have an impact you need to repeat it about 20 times with lots of concentration and emotional energy. Then, full of enthusiasm, skip over to the Day’s website to see how else you can make a positive difference.

On another subject, I’ve discovered a couple of fantastic blogs in the last few days.

Trick-Cycling for Beginners

This is written by Shiny Happy Person, a “dissatisfied and stroppy junior psychiatrist” working in the UK’s National Health System. If blogs were given classified ratings then this one would be Adults Only, but if you don’t mind the colorful language then the dry English wit is wonderful.

{ Evolving Blueprint }

I love the name of this blog. The “Evolving Blueprint” is about the changing foundation of your life, as you adjust and grow towards the person you aspire to be.

If you know the zen habits blog then this is in a similar space (nobody shoot me). It is firmly focused on health and personal development but without the common “life hacks” feel. Topics include motivation, living simply, goal setting, relationships, and maintaining core values.

Please share your own favorites in the Comments!

There is a helpful, educational “Mental Health Fair” being hosted at Revolution Health.

The Fair showcases a dozen non-profit organizations operating in the mental health space. They include the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, Active Minds, the National Alliance on Mental Illness and the Mental Health Research Association.

Apart from the resources being offered, an excellent reason to visit is a 25c donation from Revolution Health to each organization whose booth you enter.

The presentation of the Fair is also quite novel, and worth a look if only for that reason.

Thanks to my friend Therese at Beliefnet for pointing us to this resource.