This is the 5th and last post in a series by Anna on “Being a Caregiver”. Earlier posts are The Depression Dialog , Know the Enemy , Trigger Unhappy and Keeping Your Mind Together.
I’ve written a lot about being a caregiver in my last 4 posts, but in this one I’d like to share with you the book that really saved my own sanity. It is “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder” by Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston.
In the first few months after James’ diagnosis I read a lot of material to educate myself. The problem was that most of it was factual information on depression and bipolar, but it didn’t tell me how to manage practical things like James’ irritability. The info simply described the symptom without ideas for its management.
From pages 1 to 2: “This book can provide you with the tools you need to be a resource and support for your partner instead of a crisis manager and constant caretaker.” This is exactly what I needed!
The book was written specifically for caregivers. Julie Fast has bipolar disorder, as does her partner of 10 years, and the result is a book with real insight.
At its heart is the idea of creating a holistic treatment plan.
The first aim is to develop a symptom list that you can use to identify when your partner’s behavior starts to change. Once that has been worked out the second aim is to create a “what works list” to treat those symptoms before they progress to a full blown episode. The third step is to work out what triggers the symptoms in the first place. These are often outside events, situations or behaviors that once modified or eliminated really make your partner far more stable. Once you understand the triggers well, then the goal is to stop the mood swing from starting in the first place. If it does start then the “what works list” comes into play.
Of course this strategy requires recording your partner’s behavior over time e.g. by keeping a journal.
The rest of the book focuses on the needs of the caregiver. (Obviously your partner achieving greater stability is already a significant help).
The chapter on “Your Emotional Response” starts you on the road of looking after your own needs. It discusses issues like anger, grief, guilt and feeling trapped. For me, it was almost a springboard for seeing a counselor.
The chapters on work, money and sex cover practical issues that cause distress. They were all helpful chapters, but for me the chapter “The Hard Truths” had more impact. This chapter really lays it on the line and forces you to face the reality of your relationship. Are you prepared to stay with your partner if things don’t change? Tough reading.
My favorite chapter is “The Bipolar Conversation”, which teaches you how to avoid pointless fights when you partner is baiting you. The book ends with “Laughter and Joy”, an inspiration to leading a normal life again. From this I learned to structure in happy times in our lives.
A brilliant book. It may be about bipolar, but the application is much wider and relevant to all mood disorders. It would greatly help any caregiver living with a depressed partner.
Here is the link to the book on Amazon (not an affiliate link).
Keeping Your Mind Together | Finding Optimism 21 Oct 2007 @ 8:08 am
[...] Click here for the fifth and final post in this series, Loving the Person You Care For. [...]
Dr Shock 21 Oct 2007 @ 9:36 am
Thanks for the interesting overview of coping with a partner with bipolar disorder. You also mention another book by G Parker and the website. Are there no support groups for bipolar patients and for their relatives?
Or do you have another opinion about support groups.
Usually the partner of a bipolar patient visits the psychiatrist as well on routine appointments what is your opinion on that?
Regards Dr Shock
james 21 Oct 2007 @ 7:12 pm
In a conversation with my own psychiatrist he mentioned that when the partner is involved and comes to appointments the treatment outcomes tend to be a lot better. This makes sense, because the couple are likely to be taking a team approach. It’s a very good point that you make; one that we didn’t cover in the series.
I would certainly welcome your experience of these outcomes as a practicing psychiatrist, and also what you’ve found to be the proportion of partners that attend routine visits.
My experience in Sydney is that there are support groups for people with bipolar, but they are sparsely located. Only a handful are well advertised in mental health clinics and the like. I’m not sure about support groups for carers, but I imagine there are few that are specific to bipolar. Obviously there will be more choice in larger U.S. and European cities. I expect depression support groups would also be relevant to many carers of people with bipolar.
My wife and I aren’t negative about support groups, but we think it’s important to find a group that is positive and geared towards moving forward as well as providing support. With any kind of support group, whether it is church, carer, illness centered, there is always the danger of the group becoming negative and problem-centered. It’s perhaps an area where people need to be careful to choose (where possible) a group that will be most helpful to them and to which they can also make a valuable contribution.
In this case it was a deliberate omission from the series, but only because we don’t have personal experience of support groups. It’s a good topic for a future guest post!
Dr Shock 22 Oct 2007 @ 3:54 am
My experience with support groups isn’t that much. Mostly with unipolar depressed patients. But I agree with your opinion about support groups needing to stay positive. Most support groups focus on psycho-education for a limited number of sessions.
Kelsey 11 Dec 2007 @ 8:21 pm
I bought this book for my father in order to help him with my mother who had bipolar disorder. The family had been dealing with it rather unsuccefully for over two decades before her death this past October. The book was amazing – my mother absolutely loved the advice in it. And while they never got to put it to good use, I feel it afforded her a small measure of peace knowing her partner of 28 years was reading it and attempting to be a part of a team.
I wholeheartedly agree with your support of this book and its usefulness.
Mary-Anne 5 Feb 2008 @ 11:27 pm
I wish I had known about the book “Lovong Someone with Bipolar Disorder”. My relationship has just ended with my Bipolar partner after 5 years. I went through a bad month where his mood swing and temprement had really upset me.I just needed a break to sort out myself. Next think I know I get a call from his “girlfriend” telling me not to ring him anymore. He didnt even bother to tell me he had ended the relationship. I have supported him in every way possible over the last 5 years. I really loved this man and am gutted at the moment.
amber foster 26 May 2008 @ 11:21 pm
my family has trouble loving me
Diana 27 May 2008 @ 7:55 pm
I really enjoyed the series of posts and found the information very useful. I was diagnosed with bipolar in my late 30’s but in looking back, I showed signs in my preteen and teenage years. I’ve had three manic episodes that have scared me tremendously and I live in fear of another one. I’ve been told that I need to learn to relax and be happy again instead of letting my fears run my life. I would like to see articles about avoiding full blown manic or depressive states.