I read a Psych Central post a few days ago “Hating the Illness Not the Afflicted”. The context was alcoholism but it struck a chord with me.

It took me years to learn a valuable secret for coping as a caregiver. I  wish someone had let me in on it earlier – it would have saved hours of frustration, bitterness and resentment. I would have seen myself as a wife and not just a caregiver for a lot of this time.

The secret is simple to understand but hard to live out – you have to separate the illness from the person.

Why simple? When James is being totally unreasonable and horrible, I pause for breath and think about the big picture. Is he sick? Is he like this when he is well? Is this consistent with his true character? Is this the man who I married? Asking these questions helps me to see what is really going on.

It’s hard. When he is irritable he is very hurtful. I want to take the bait and yell back – to let my anger fly and exact my revenge. It’s difficult to let things go through to the keeper, ignore his needling and concentrate on the sickness. It’s hard to forgive and move on when I’m hurt.

And it’s hard to not take it personally. It’s hard to overlook the way that our lives have changed to accommodate his illness. It’s hard to think that bipolar will never go away.

But it’s also simple. I direct my anger at the illness and that leaves me free to love him and build our relationship. It’s simple to forgive when I know that he doesn’t act this way when he is well. It’s simple when I remember that James is a person with bipolar, he is not Bipolar itself.

Separating the illness and the person. That has been my secret to being a caregiver and a wife and managing well.

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