We chatted about other things for while and then I asked her if she was okay? She said “No. I’m not.” We then discussed her problems for an hour and a half. It was one of the most valuable conversations we’d had in her 11 years.

The next day I had one of the worst days I’d had in a long time, with a couple of pieces of upsetting news. In the evening my daughter asked me, genuinely, “Are you okay, Dad?”, which started another really good conversation.

Since then we’ve asked each other a few more times, more than casually, as to how the other is doing.

“Are you OK?” is just 3 short words. But how often do we ask those around us how they are, not expecting more than a perfunctory “yeah” or “no problem”? What if you knew the person’s response would be “No. I’m not OK.”? It would be tempting to not even ask. But just as I experienced, it can be a catalyst for a good conversation and helping someone just when they need it.

R U OK? Day aims to raise awareness on the importance of meaningful conversations and connections. It is a national day of action in Australia – and now spreading overseas – held every September 15. It emphasizes the need for positive encouragement among family members, friends and colleagues. By asking each other “Are you OK?” you initiate a conversation that may prevent small problems from becoming heavy burdens.

While this year 2011’s R U OK? Day was only the third, the campaign has generated a lot of support and awareness across the country. Well-known celebrities like Hugh Jackman, Naomi Watts, Simon Baker, and others have put their support behind the movement. Stories have been told and retold about how individuals, seemingly fine on the outside but suffering from severe stress in reality, broke down and clung to that listening ear when simply asked, “Are you OK?”

They say even the little things in life can make a big difference. You don’t need to wait until September 15, or live in Australia, to ask “R U OK?”

Why is it that we’re so hard on ourselves? And if one of our children struggles….with anything…it seems our immediate reaction is to look within ourselves for…what? Blame? Accountability? Good genes gone bad??

What is that?

I am the mother of three sons. Firstborn son has autism. Son #2 (“T”) has been diagnosed with bipolar. Son #3 is more a mainstream child. I hesitate to use the word “normal”…for what is “normal” anyway?

I’m instinctively resisting the urge to defend my decision to have three children….it’s as if I can hear the reader’s thoughts of, “Why would you want to complicate what was already a stressful life with more children?” I’ll offer only this: I’d conceived son#2 three months prior to firstborn son’s autism diagnosis…and as for son #3? Well, “the hearts wants what the heart wants”.

With all the challenges autism, depression and bipolar have placed on our lives, I honestly had no frame of reference for a “normal” family life. A day without a meltdown? Impossible.
A car ride without the inevitable argument? Not likely.

My whole concept of parenthood and raising children was being regularly and sorely tested…and I swear there have been days where I can literally feel my world shifting beneath my feet.

So, what’s a parent to do when there’s no handy book at the local bookstore that even remotely covers your child’s present stage of development? I’d stand in-between the Parenting section and the Self-Help section, screaming in my head, “THERE’S NOTHING HERE FOR ME! HE’S NOT IN ANY BOOK!”

One of the hardest things for me to accept was that my life wasn’t going to follow the path I’d always imagined; the one filled with storybook play dates with angelic children happily playing while their mommies drank coffee and swapped recipes for the best cupcakes ever.

But letting go of that fantasy is what finally allowed me to stop perpetually fighting that inevitable “tide of expectation”…and it’s made me realize that sometimes, having no pre-conceived expectations is the path to unexpected happiness.

I’ve learned that sometimes, a diagnosis is nothing more than a word on a piece of paper. Maybe that particular word will help your loved one to get the services they need to feel better…either way, they’re the same person they were before that diagnosis.

I fought the notion of being “different”. I didn’t care if my children weren’t geniuses…but the notion of them not “fitting in” consumed me. It took me a long time to understand that by denying their need to process life differently, I was making it harder on all of us to cope.

I came to realize that parents of “mainstream” children don’t question every reaction…don’t panic at every quirk. They realize that each of us is an individual…and we all have our own way of reacting to the good, the bad and the ugly that life inevitably throws at us.

I’ve always known I loved my boys…but it took me a long time to understand that I didn’t need to re-define “normal”…I just needed to unconditionally accept them for who they are. I’ll do everything I can to help them navigate their world the best they can…and as long as they always remember I’m here for them, then I do believe that’ll be enough.

Nothing cuts deeper to someone with depression, than when their serious condition is trivialized by another who doesn’t understand it. In an effort to counter this, let’s trivialize the way that people trivialize depression.

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There are lots of good ways to insult someone with depression. You need to give some unsolicited advice. Something simple, profound, and potentially life changing. Just snap out of it lacks imagination.

Here are the some ideas:
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it!”
“Life isn’t meant to be easy.”
“This is what life is like. Get used to it.”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Who said that life is fair?”
“You just have to get on with things.”
“At least it’s not that bad.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“You have so many things. What do you have to feel down about?”
“You just need to cheer up.”
“Quit trying to be a martyr.”
“Stop taking all those medicines.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve been depressed for whole days at a time.”

These are my favorites:
“What you need is a good kick up the backside.”
“Go out and buy yourself some clothes. That will pick you up.”
“Are you sure you don’t have a mental problem?”
“How about I cook you a good meal. That will make things better.”
“Have you tried acupuncture?”
“Get a job!”

And the all time best:
“Why don’t you try not being depressed.”

(N.B. Occasionally someone reads this post and misses its sarcasm. Just to be clear, it isn’t mocking people with depression; it is pointing out how insensitive people can be.)

Another post on How to Help Someone with Depression lists some of the best things you can say.