The next day I received a note which said, ‘Dear Mr. Bishop, I would very much like your help. I’m aware that the new DSM is coming out and I do not wish to be in it. Your guidance would be appreciated.’ I asked her to come in so we could discuss this further. The following is the transcript from our ‘meeting’”:

James: “Good morning…I’m sorry. Does…is your name Midge? It sort of looks like ‘Smidge’ here…”

Interviewee: “No, it’s ‘Smidge’. My mother claims she gained a ‘smidge’ more weight than any of her friends whilst I gestated and I apparently arrived in this world a ‘smidge’ earlier than she’d have liked. Evidently, there was a Bob Hope special on that night that she’d been looking forward to for months. Hence, the name.”

James: “Huh. Well. Welcome. It says here you’re a single mother of two?”

Smidge: (Confused) “It says where? What are you reading? (Eyes grow wide) Have you been following me?”

James: “No! No…of course not! You filled out this form…(waves paper in front of her)…the other day?…at the conference?….”

Smidge: “I don’t think so…I mean, I know I’m busy…I’ve got a full plate…many balls in the air…but I’m sure I’d remember filling out an entire form! (Frowns…trying to remember). For the record, I’d like it to be known that the only reason I went to that ‘Winter Mixer’ last week with my brother was because I needed a designated driver. I’m not pathetic, or anything. Is that on the form? Write that down…”

James: “Um. Okay….(scribbles on bottom of sheet). So, do you live with your brother?”

Smidge: “Uh-huh. And my mother and my dad and my aunt. Do you know she puts ketchup on everything? Don’t you think that’s odd?”

James: “What? Who are we talking about? Ketchup? Well, I guess it would depend. Does she put ketchup on food items only….or literally, everything??”

Smidge: “Ew. That would be really gross. Auntie puts ketchup on everything from oatmeal to roast beef….Mom buys the ketchup in those 12-packs from the bulk store. You know the ones I mean? And we live in one of those two-family, side-by-side units….me and my boys on one side and my brother, parents and ‘ole ketchup-lover there on the other. I refuse to share a bathroom with my brother ever again, after the unfortunate hamster debacle of 2005.”

James: “……. …….. ……… ……… ……….. …………”

Smidge: “Hel-lo? Are you okay there, buddy? I think I lost you for a minute. You look hungry. Do you want half of my scone? I think I have some extra ketchup packets in here…(rummages around in her bag, muttering to herself). Now I’m sure I’m going to wind up in that ‘Deeply Scatterbrained Menagerie’. I’m hopeless…”

James: “The what? The ‘Deeply’…what?”

Smidge: “The ‘D.S.M.’ (Rolls eyes) Haven’t you heard of it?”

James: “You know what? I’ve just remembered a prior engagement. I want to thank you for stopping by…”

Smidge: “But. Don’t you want to know what happened to Harvard?”

James: (Confused) “Harvard? The school in Massachusetts?”

Smidge: “Nooooo…Harvard the Hamster. I’m not sure you were listening. My brother? The bathroom? 2005??”

James “I thought I was…(rising)…but I’m afraid we’re out of time.”

Smidge: “Shall I stay and jot down some of my questions?”

James: “Um. How much paper would you need? I’m guessing Harvard the Hamster is just the tip of the iceberg here…”

Smidge: “Oh, you have no idea….”