Dawn 18 Sep 2007 @ 10:54 am

Anna,

Thanks so much for the guest post. Depression runs in my family, affects both my twin sister and I, and my single mother is undiagnosed with (but almost certainly suffers from) bipolar disorder. I moved out years ago, but it was difficult to deal with the unpredictability when I was young. I know now that I developed some coping mechanisms that are a strain on our relationship today. I find it hard to bring up sensitive issues with her, as sometimes she reacts with extreme anger. Thus, we’ve never really had a substantive conversation about things like how hard it was on me as a child.

Any advice / thoughts on how to approach this? This issue has more to do with me than with my mom, and it’s not fair to her to not discuss things I really need to talk to her about because I want to protect myself.

Holli Jo 18 Sep 2007 @ 5:50 pm

Anna, this is a wonderful guest post. I have depression myself, so I can feel for the carers. Your understanding and self-control are amazing. I’m not sure I could be that loving if I were the carer instead of the depressed one.

Thanks for sharing your experience and ideas.

505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend | Finding Optimism 2 Oct 2007 @ 7:12 am

[...] by Lisa J. Copen. Since we are two-thirds of the way through Anna’s series on “Being the Carer” a quick overview of the book fits in [...]

Virginia 8 Dec 2007 @ 10:34 pm

Hello, I would like to ask the following question. My husband has been previously diagnosed with the “Fight or Flight” Syndrome, he is also a veteran of the Operation Iraqi Freedom war, which means he has P.T.S.D. and on top of all of that he also has O.C.D. (undiagnosed) He always hss to check his truck doors (3) times as well as the front house door 2 times as well as go in and out the door 2 times before he feels that he hasn’t forgotten anything. I also started to do research on all of the symptoms that he had besides the above and I found the book, Stop Walking on EggShells. It is about signs and symptoms of people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Guess What, He has every sign and symptom and attitude off the checklist that they have in the book. However, My question is he also has bouts of depression, the real highs and the real lows, Example: He can leave out the door to work in a very good mood, and come home in a very filthy mood where he leaves you guessing whether it is you or something else. Please help, as I am trying to find coping and healing information and assistance. He is a correctional officer for a sheriff’s office and also a Florida National Guard Reservist, E-6 Sargeant. He drives me insane. Thank God that I have been smart enough to seek help and counseling for myself. I have put my foot down and told him that he needs help otherwise we are getting divorced. He says that he will get help, its just that he is afraid that he will lose his job and he’s afraid to get kicked out of the Florida Army National Guard Reserves after he’s been in for 28 years. Exactly what are the signs and symptoms of Bipolar? Please help. Thanks so much!!!!

Jan 5 May 2008 @ 4:25 pm

I am recently divorced from a bi-polar man with whom I spent almost 40 years. He was diagnosed at least ten years ago as was my oldest daughter. I stayed in the marriage because of my girls and because he threatened over and over again to commit suicide; my concern was what would become of my oldest daughter if he acted on these threats. My daughter is now 29, well educated and beautiful; however, she is getting worse, will not seek help, meds or counseling. She also suffers from PTSD and SAD. As I see in some of the previous postings I am similar to some of those who write; I am a very strong individual who is now on antidepressents myself due to the stress of watching my daughter’s personality turn cruel and abusive to myself and her sister as well as others. She is no longer the individual I raised, she is almost unrecognizable. The more I have helped her the more angry she becomes. We have tried family counseling and her anger is so deep the therapist gave up. My biggest concern is that she now seeks out dangerous relationships as a result of low self esteem. What do other parents do in this situation, Turning my back seems not to be an option.

anna 1 Jun 2008 @ 5:56 pm

Hi Cathi,

Sad to hear that life has been difficult for you but I am inspired by your ability to persevere. We have found that education is the key to getting help and improving relationships. We have spent enormous amounts of time reading books and articles often only getting one or two things from each. Can I suggest that you read all you can with a discerning mind, ignoring the stuff that you know will not work for you. It is also good to focus on stay well material ie strategies to keep well that are not just “take your medicine”, essential that it is. When we changed focus from trying to find a cure to trying to stay well we really made progress.

Hope that helps.

Anna

Nicole 14 Dec 2010 @ 3:47 am

Anna,

Thanks for this. I’m still a teenager and my friend has just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’d really like to be there for her, because she means alot to me but I don’t know how. This helped – I will be sure to take your advice to heart. Simply by reading this article it appears to me that you are a very strong woman, with fantastic devotion. Not alot of people would have the decency and love to do what you are doing.

crystal 29 Mar 2011 @ 12:39 pm

I enjoyed reading your blog, i am only 27 yrs old , i have a depressed husband and i am looking for as much insite as possible. This is new for me and my emotions are all over the place. When he used to have his episodes i would feed into his words and the result would be an arguement. Now i try to let it go and not take it personal but i still feel scared, i feel as though at any moment he is going to walk out and leave. I feel i am doing everything i can do to make him happy but when he is in a depressed state nothing i do is good enough. It’s like walking on eggshells like u said. How do i cope with this situation?

dub 4 Sep 2011 @ 8:00 pm

hey.
married.
apparently he is depressed and on is on avanza….. seen a slight mood lift.
but i wonder is he just being an ass and getting away with it – flying under the depression umbrella??
i know a big call
but the selfishness, irresponsibility, lake of insight, the picking a fight, the put her down in front of friends, the correct her all the time, the lake of respect – is this depression or assholeness (excuse my language)???
how much do i have to take?
if i do not stay then i feel guilty, if i stay then what a life i have to look forward too
psychology appts start next week, i hope they help because this sux

pepina 5 Sep 2011 @ 1:20 pm

i don’t mean the author has wonderful advise but protect yourself. sounds strange how i worded that. i is late. she HAS wonderful advice. i am taking notes! thank you, Anna.

and in addition you should protect yourself. take care of you. that is your first priority. if you cannot function you cannot help someone else!

dee 12 Sep 2011 @ 10:48 am

Right now I completely relate to this last comment. It is exactly how I feel. The article was a good one for me to read. I know I need to try harder to be caring and to help to stop the cycle of negative thinking. But at some point, it’s like – I seriously cannot go through this. Again. Every time its the same thing. He is irritable, perhaps even specifically trying to bait me. Or else he is obsessing about the same things which usually involve things that I am doing (as with many people with depression, my husband has some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, anxiety disorder etc.) And I feel the need to defend myself. Which, of course, just accelerates his pattern of negative thinking, and then on top of feeling exhausted and unhappy I feel guilty. Because there I go again being such a shitty wife. I can’t seem to get it through my head that this selfish and mean spirited man that I live with is ill. I mean, I know that to be the case, but when you live it each and every day, the pain and resentment just burns through me. He says that I don’t care and that I am unsupportive, and maybe this has become true. I am so tired. We have now been married five years, and he has been depressed since we first met 9 years ago. He refuses to get help – well, there have been lots of false starts with getting help, but he doesn’t follow through. I just don’t know how people find the strength to be so good as to help their spouses through every depressive episode, especially as the depressive episodes overtake the periods of non-depressive states of being. I guess, at some point along the way, I have stopped believing he will ever take responsibility for getting better at that was the point maybe where I also started trying less. I feel like the only answer is get out now.

Shannon 21 Nov 2011 @ 12:49 pm

I don’t know if this is helpful to anyone, but as a result of high stress for many years on the job, I came down with chronic fatigue and deep depression. My VA doctor had me taking 12 different anti-depressants but none really worked. I asked someone working in a vitamin supplement aisle at a local market about it and she suggested using lavender essential oil. IT WORKED!!!
I have learned that getting a 1oz bottle and putting 2-3 eye droppers of lavender essential oil into it and filling the rest of it with jojoba oil. When I feel depression coming on I put a few drops on one wrist (a pulse point) and rub my wrists together and the depression dissipates.
My depression has become less and less frequent. I don’t know that this would work for everyone but it is worth a try. It is a low cost and convenient way to deal with depression.
Please, if this works for you, spread the word.

S 2 Jan 2012 @ 9:47 am

Thanks so much for this site.

I have been married for 26 years to a depressed male. I have searched for years for the “key” to try to unlock the moods that take over my husband. I read with interest the “baiting” that others experience. I have had that for as long as I can remember. I have over the last maybe 10 years come to the conclusion that I’m very very weak – because I let that baiting continue – I even remember my own mothers words once “she wont say anything – just watch”- big lol . Just lately I have decided it isnt a weakness – its a coping mechanism.

Anyway – the real reason I am here today is because I think I have learned something which might be helpful to others. Ever since ever these events have always gone on until I bring on an argument. Not just any argument, the biggest, nastiest, most horrible argument. A time when stuff that can never be taken back gets said. There is not an insult on the planet that my husband hasnt thrown at me. What I realized today is this – The argument is what he needs to show everyone (including me) why he has been so “angry”. Its an effort(maybe subconcious on his part) to look sane. He wants the world know how “angry”he has been – and that he is feeling better now.

This is exhausting to me – I cant be bothered with it anymore.

Good luck all -

Marla Jo Zeller 15 Feb 2012 @ 9:34 pm

Love her. She needs you to love her and research everything you can find on the subject to be able to help her. She may not be able to help herself right now and God may have put you in her life for this very purpose. It will not be easy but if you love her, you can do it. Do it until you just simply can’t do it any longer. Give it all you’ve got.

Caught 10 Mar 2012 @ 7:40 am

I’ve been married over a decade to my wonderful husband. We have 3 kids; ages 8, 6, and 2. He lost his job 9 months ago; I continued to advance at work. He started drinking heavily 2 months ago and ended up making out with a friend of mine 3 weeks ago. Two days ago our youngest is diagnosed as a special needs kid (hearing loss). Now he blames him cause he “never” wanted 3 kids. I can’t deal with my own feelings cause as soon as I get angry at him for kissing my friend – he goes into this downward spiral. So I rely on my friends, but I miss talking with my best friend. Not sure he should even be responsible for our 2 year old; is it overreacting to put him in daycare?

What happened to my strong, opinionated man? I’m left with an emotional blob, that I still love with all my heart. Is depression contagous? I feel like I’ve caught it.

Lost and alone 13 May 2012 @ 9:06 am

I have been married 3 years to my husband who last year was diagnosed with long term depression and anxiety. He has not socialised with his friends since diagnosis. It is just me in his life. He is highly irritable and as other posters, insults me, manipulates situations so he can blame a feeling of anger on me. He stopped therapy and is in denial. I am a carer, not a wife. His anger is violent and my behaviors are changing because I can’t cope with the pain that is never acknowledged. I feel so alone….

Meg 29 Sep 2012 @ 9:16 am

Anna,

When you say, “Let’s talk before you get into a negative cycle of thinking”, how specifically are you able to talk him through or out of his negative thought patterns? My husband has been diagnosed with depression in the past, feels counceling hasn’t helped him much and that the side effects of the medication are more problimatic than the medicine is helpful. I tend to agree with him in regards to the medicine, since it seems to raise his blood pressure which is already an issue. It seems to be up to me to support how I can, but when I try to point out positives in our life he feels defensive and it seems like I’m denying his feelings, or not understanding him. I have been depressed in the past so i do have an idea of what it feels like, and a friend was so much more helpful to me than any councelor, but I can’t seem to do the same for the man i love so much. We have two kids and it breaks my heart when he brushes them off, or says negative things about them when really they are just normal kids acting their age. It makes me sad for both them and him that he can’t enjoy them, but when I point out great things about them he seems to feel I’m making them up or exagerating. That’s when I have a hard time not responding to his negativity, if he says our 15 month old cried all day when in reality he was pleasant all day while my husband slept with the door shut, and then just started whining at the end of the day when i woke my husband for dinner, I defend the baby and we end up in a full scale argument. I adore my husband but am tired of this behavior, but if I bring it up wioth him it makes things worse, because he feels guilty and goes into what a lousy husband and father he is, really he’s a great husband and father, but I’m just having a hard time figuring out how to communicate with him right now. Specific suggestions would be welcome.

Dawn 13 Aug 2007 @ 7:00 pm

One of the most painful things when I was depressed was being in a situation that I would have really enjoyed before I became sick and realizing that I could no longer enjoy it. Not sure how this directly translates into ways to support someone who is depressed, but I think that this is something that is hard to understand if you haven’t been there (i.e., I definitely didn’t want to hear “BUT why don’t you want to go? You used to love this!” or “What’s your problem? This is your favorite!” That definitely always made a bad situation worse.
Trying new things did help a lot — I actually found a few forms of exercise that I liked (including yoga!).
Everyone’s depression is different, so this might not be a universal sentiment. Nonetheless, it’s definitely how I felt. I’ve found it really helpful to interact with others who’ve faced depression and read their stories at http://www.experienceproject.com/group_profile.php?g=109 (see my website link). The best way to not feel alone is to correspond with someone who does know just how you feel. And there’s always someone who does!

PK 15 Aug 2007 @ 11:24 am

Usually the best thing to say is say nothing. Keep your mouth shut.

Sometimes the depression hits hard (even when medicated) for no apparent reason and there are no words in the World that will change the situation.

The best move here is keep tabs on the person so no suicide idealisms come to the surface.
If that’s not likely (or clearly noticeable) then just let it be.

Sooner or later the person will come out of this depressive mood.

Anger might be present, so potential harm is possible to the person or to others.

At this point one should start talking. The main point is not let the anger take over completely. Try to defuse the anger if possible.

That can be possibly achieved by the “good words”. If not, call 911. You are not capable of doing nothing more than you already did and that is NOT a shame unless your words triggered the anger. Then, my fried, you are an Idiot.
At this point you better leave the place specially when other people is present to watch over the anger.

True, some observations made by people that have no idea of what depression is can make the situation unbearable for the depressed person.

Trying “good words” is valid but not always result in a mood change as fast as we would like to see.

It all depends how “deep” the person is in the depressive mood.

If suicide, anger, are not a factor, then the best is keep your mouth shut, wait patiently for the person “climb” out of that mood.

And yes, the person can ‘climb” out on his/her own. It may take hours, it may take days.

Also do not feel sorry for the depressed person and do not let the sorry, if present in you be seen by the depressed person. That won’t help either.

BTW, I’m no M.D. I speak from my on experience dealing with my own depressive mood.

Ericka 21 Aug 2007 @ 3:24 am

I went through a deep depression that lasted a few years. Finally a friend said two things to me,
‘If your car was running slowly, eating up gas, not performing, not starting, would you take it personally or take it to the shop?’
And, my favorite, ‘Imagine your little sister going through what you’re going through now, what advice would you give her?
The natural answer in my head was ‘why would I want better for her than myself?

Amy 26 Aug 2007 @ 10:03 pm

Thanks for starting a conversation about this. So many people think you can just snap out of depression. They don’t understand this is a disease. You can’t tell a diabetic to snap out of it and eat a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Same thing with depression. People need to talk about depression so more people understand what it is. And yes – support is HUGE. I hate to think what would have happened to me without friends and family around me as hard as my depression was for them.

Caroline 6 Sep 2007 @ 12:19 pm

Please do not make the depressed person feel that their depression is a burden on you. Their inability to “snap out of it” or at least to hide it and knowing it is hurting you exacerbates the depression. Even if you don’t say it, they can figure out that they are a burden to you. Find some support to help you handle it that does not involved the depressed individual.

lora stillwell 17 Sep 2007 @ 9:54 am

A lot of these replies are from depressed people, not from their caregivers. I have been a caregiver for nine years now. The person concerned will not take their meds, has been constantly angry, unable to work and so on. I cannot begin to describe how exhausting and debilitating this is. Depression has been called a ‘contagious’ illness and I can see why. The problem with how to help someone with depression is that you are not dealing with THEM – you are dealing with the mask that their illness provokes. Depression can seem like an incredibly selfish illness – particularly when there are only two of you in the household and there is no one to share the burden of care. What’s the answer? I wish I knew. The illness itself often prevents the person from getting the treatment they need and you, and they, are caught up in a vicious circle. No words can help when the depression is deep. When the anger accompanies it, its even worse. Like dealing with Atzheimers, I feel that the person I knew is long gone – surfacing once in a while to remind me of what they once were. Please can we hear from more caregivers on this site? This is a frustrating, sad, lonely role. L, Vt

Diana 28 Sep 2007 @ 9:19 pm

This is wonderful. Sometimes even the most well meaning people don’t quite how to support a depressed person and would value from this information.

Josie 3 Oct 2007 @ 3:00 pm

For myself, depression hit at puberty and is a daily fact of life. The “leave me alone” factor is so strong that sometimes hearing the positive phrases you mention (We’re in this together, I’m not gonna leave you, etc), while endearing, can induce strong guilt feelings. “Gee, this person is hitching themselves to a lead weight” “I’m gonna drag them down, this isn’t fair of them to do this.” “They are going to be mad at me when they fail to cheer me up.” are all thoughts I’ve had when friends and family have vowed to stick by me. Sometimes it hurts to be reassured that you’re not alone.

The thing is, each depressed person is, before anything else, an individual. No two cases of depression are the same. What works for one will damage another, and there are no hard and fast rules for how to do it right. For me, when help is offered it usually amplifies the depression; for others it could be exactly the right thing. If you’re dealing with a depressive, you probably already know them. If you’re thinking how to help someone with depression, then tailor your approach to what you know of your friend/family member/co-worker.

Possibly you can even ask them, on a less-depressed day (if they have one) what they find most comforting and what well-meaning actions are hurtful to them specifically. Perhaps they won’t answer; perhaps they will deny that anything helps. I had someone in my life who fought my depression tooth and claw; which made it soooo much worse. I didn’t know how to tell him that, and eventually it got so bad that I had to send him away permanently. He wasn’t able to understand that being helpful wasn’t helpful.

I’d certainly never claim that this is true of most depressed people; I’ve only ever been myself, after all. My main point is to look at each case individually. If someone offered to take a walk with me, I’d be deeply hurt because I have a very bad back and anyone expecting a walk to make me feel better really would make things worse. For someone else, a walk could be great, get them outdoors, fresh air, grass, trees… life all around. It’s different for everyone, and the best thing I think a caregiver of a depressive can do is get to know the person as well as you can before you start trying to fix things.

Because you can’t often “fix” things. Depression isn’t something that gets cured. It’s something you learn to live with through coping techniques and medications and lots of patience.

In addition to dealing with my own depression, it runs in my family. My mother, two aunts, several cousin, grandfather, etc… People try to deny that illness in general can have a genetic factor, and they also don’t like to admit that depression is an illness at all. In my experience, it seems so self-evident. Again, as others here have said, an understanding of the facts about the disease (dis-ease, not at ease, an incredibly appropriate term for depression when you think about it) itself are vital to helping someone cope with it. Learn the general facts, learn the specific facts of the case you’re dealing with, and customize an approach to fit the situation at hand.

cassy 10 Jan 2008 @ 10:06 am

People may say things about you but it’s never really true. I’ve been there i had friends that thought was friends but they made lies about me. ALL i’m saying is never stike out because your afraid.

Fruitloops67 20 Jan 2008 @ 2:01 am

I have been depressed for over half of my life. It has caused countless situations and losses in my life. Mainly relationships.

I would tell someone who knows someone who is depressed to ask them to a movie, a long walk with a picnic. Discuss their situation and ask them what you can do to help them. Then give them an alternative view that is unlike the one they have. Some things are better if a friend throws you a curve ball and gives you a differnet perpective than you already have. It takes people to get involved and help the depressed one to pull them up by their shoelaces..someone once told me..tie a knot in the rope and hold on when life is swinging you.

I think most people who are depressed are pessimistic. There are changes that need to take place…goals to set and try to achieve. Groups who need volunteers…ect..

Depression is a Killer. It will lead to Suicidal thoughts and actions.

It comes from being idle. You have to fight it just like you fight Cancer.

A N 9 Mar 2008 @ 12:39 pm

I dont usualy leave comments on sites
but depression is something i know well
and i felt i should leave a couple something

im 15
started experiencing depression since i was 12
badly
the worst came when i was 14 though
i ended up on meds and a visit for stitches
but now im all better =]
support and help that i hadnt before really helped
but the reason i hadnt had help and support before was because id never said anything
i kept everything to myself and things got worse
which shows that telling someone is the best way to go if you suffer from depression
its not something you should battle on your own
because more than likely you wont win without reinforcement

I would like to thank my brother
even though he may never read this
but he is and was always there for me
and im there for him and he knows that

Goodluck to all in there battles in life

G 18 Mar 2008 @ 8:30 am

I had my first real depressive “breakdown” at 22, and finally got hospitalized at 25 (when enduring all the horrible physical effects of depression, such as not being able to eat, not being able to get up, cramps, etc.), after numerous attempts to find the right shrink.

It was at the clinic that I realized I had had the depression in milder forms for probably about 10 years already.
Ignorance about one’s own problems usually wards off the help of others, because one believes one is in a normal state of mind. (If you don’t know about your depression and it isn’t all that severe, then you start adapting to the alleged fact that this is simply what life feels like. Add a few people who give you the “shit happens, c’est la vie” -stuff, and you’re stuck in that mindset.)

But also, it made me realize that most people are bad at detecting depressions and mental disorders; they are inclined to think that either one has a bad day or that one’s character is of a more “grouchy” kind of nature. The latter is the worst I’ve had to endure in terms of the social effects of a depression – being assigned the role of the asshole, coward, loser, lost thinker…you name it. While I agree that everyone seems to have specific personal experiences with their depression, this really being harrassed (or at least, the subjective perception thereof) seems to constitute a very general feature of a depression, and it HAS to be communicated to the ones around you that this is the very least you need.

Depression is sometimes viewed from a more positive angle: it startles your reflection on important life issues, your own mistakes and those of friends and relatives; changes your perspective on the value of the little things in life; makes you reconsider whether your friends are really good company for you.
My own experience is that this may sometimes be a fruitful attempt at looking at one’s illness, yet it is exactly during (cyclical upswings of) depression that one can’t and shouldn’t change one’s life all that drastically. Moreover, being told by the ones around you that “life can be so great” almost certainly undermines your self-respect because one usually takes these sentences to be directed against your lifestyle and the burden you impose on others. (Needless to say a depression blocks any real kind of lifestyle to begin with.)

I am writing this because I feel it is paramount to stress the need for communication – among the depressed, but even more between the depressed and the caregivers. In my case, hardly anyone ever took note of the gravity of my situation – someone who always seemed to be so successful in such different areas of life. We usually don’t know much about each other, whether or not we are ill…
As a remedy for the illness, apart from the right medication and a well-trained and experienced (!) therapist, there is nothing like a few people who really seem to love you and want to find out who you are, so you can “reconstitute yourself” (it really starts becoming a philosophical problem after a while.). So long as they avoid the pitfalls (above.)

john 20 May 2008 @ 12:55 pm

“Depression is a Killer. It will lead to Suicidal thoughts and actions.

It comes from being idle.”

This is soooo true. I would hazard a guess that 90% of depressed people lead the very definition of a sedentary lifestyle which means zero physical exercise, zero mental exercise or both. They get up and go to work… and that’s it.

No social practice and no physical practice – eventually, the body and mind wear down to the brink of exaustion = critically bored with life.

If I didn’t have a family: I would have flipped this world and this existence the bird LOOOOONG ago.

I’ve seen a multitude of individual posts on this site that tote drugs as the ‘only’ true answer for someone who is clinically depressed.

If one who is severely depressed well understands the effects of various mind altering drugs on the brain…. how can a DR. honestly expect this person (who already admits to him/herself that there is a chemical imbalance in their body) to injest such substances in their right mind?

Fromgodknowswhere-X is MORE safe than the garbage they’re putting in depressed peoples mouths (I would haphazard a guess).

I lost site with this post as I’m rambling now.

peter 20 Jun 2008 @ 5:25 am

who do you know if someone is depressed?
What are the symptoms?

My father says he had depression and he couldnt get out of his bed in the morning etc/
My wife who I think has depression is able to get out of bed and focus on her job and our son only. I am told that being able to focus on your job and that alone is enough, anything more than that and they shut down.
My wife has no labido, breaks down in into tears frequently, is always tired and exhausted. She works, goes to her parents house (she lives with them t the moment as they do everything for her), sees to our son, does work in preparation for the next day and then goes to bed early as she is exhausted.
We have a son aged 19 months. All my wife thinks about is her work and our son. Nothing else and nothing else comes in the way of this. Yet when I can get her to go out to a gig or the park, she is a different person, like the old person I knew.
She frequently tells me shes feeling low, shattered, exhausted, fed up, nothing to wear, getting old (aged 36), grey hair, lines on face, doesn’t believe she is beautiful and yet I have told her this for x10 years. She lives in a cacoon where she goes to bed early and alone and curls up in the corner of the bed.
Now she wont let me see my son more than x1 night per week and it has to be at my parents and not back in our own house. Sometimes to look at her she is like a blank canvas and its as if the real person has been stolen from me.
What can I do?
She suffered from depression at the age of 19 and was put on beta blockers then by the Dr.
She is on thyroxine now but is it the correct level?
One minute shell phone me up crying that she needs help and she cant do something, and the next shell text me clinically back to her old cold self.

help!

A..R. 22 Jun 2008 @ 4:29 pm

The most dificult thing of being depress is when your couple does not care if you are or not

sue 23 Jun 2008 @ 5:32 am

Peter hang in there read everything you can just remember it is the illness not your wife look after yourself and your son when you can as you are of the best support if you stay strong
be patient understanding loving non judgmental all those other really positive attributes
Good luck to you all

blanche 19 Jul 2008 @ 6:22 pm

Ok, tomato, toMAHto

A.J. 16 Aug 2008 @ 9:38 pm

An excellent list. It’s very important for the friends and family of depressed persons to be aware of the ‘What Not to Say’ side of things just as much as this list, because in a depressed state, the most insignificant comments can ruin a person’s day.

To everyone sharing their stories here, thank you, and keep holding on. Caregivers especially, I applaud you and your efforts.

Bianka 31 Aug 2008 @ 1:54 am

To the comment above me – I can not believe someone actually wrote that… that is the coldest thing I have ever heard.
I found this site very helpful, I am currently going through a crazy time with my boyfriend who is for the past few months and especially weeks completely depressed. I always was aware of depression but I never had it hit this close to home and I have to say that before tonight I don’t think I knew what was really going on. I’ve been reading sites with depression information for the past 2 hours and everything is connecting. All the comments he makes and things he does and says that I took personally and cried over I see is the illness not the real him. I like the quote “don’t confuse the person with the illness” and that’s gotta be hard. We’re both young [20 years old] and we’ve been together for 2 years and up until tonight all I’ve thought about was how I can help him and what I can do for him but some of the caregiver paragraphs aren’t very encouraging. I feel strong right now and all I want to do is help my boyfriend but reading some of the sad stories of caregivers with depressed wives/husbands I’m scared that I won’t always be this strong. I guess I have a lot to think about so thank you everyone for posting, I wasn’t planning on saying anything but as I kept reading comments more and more things got clearer for me and I’m hoping someone reading this will realize something they didn’t know before too. If nothing else, you are not alone. I feel it’s important for a caregiver to hear that too.

Carl-Eric Dupuis 22 Sep 2008 @ 5:58 pm

Listen, comprehend, support. Be the leg up they need but let them get on dont try and force them.

And for the depressed, 3 words. Scream. It. Out. It doesnt solve anything, but i get a kick from it, might not work for everyone but i at least get a little inner peace.

phil 30 Oct 2008 @ 1:07 pm

Re What to say to a depressed person… a reply aimed at caregivers.

I feel sorry for the caregivers to my depressed brothers and sisters. Their plight is horrible, in my opinion, if they have lost their sense of individuality.
In my opinion, I’ve been a poor caregiver to an ex-partner who is an alcoholic, (who has untreated alcoholism and depression) because I thought it was my job to make the person better. When the relationship ended in domestic violence, I had a breakdown. Through counselling and complimentary therapy I discovered that I hadn’t been taking care of myself: my dietary, social and exercise parts of my life had been neglected. More importantly, I had lost my identity as a person, because I was so wrapped up in the emotional, physical and psychological dramas of the alcoholic/depressive/angry behaviour. I’ve been treated for major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder ever since, although I feel that I have suffered depression from puberty. My caregiver (new) partner is also a depressed person, which I think ironically, is a good thing – we have the potential to understand each other, although there are times when we are both too ill to support each other. I am being cared for and I care for my depressed partner.

I feel the suggestions given above are excellent guidelines for ways to communicate with depressed people, and as other commenters have said, I would agree that we have to listen to our depressed family and friends to find out how to help them if they want our help. The last paragraph in 4. Offer to Help , is the best advice for a carer, in my opinion.
“…don’t let it totally consume YOUR life.”
Most importantly for carers, I feel it is essential that they have enough time for themselves, that they get respite, have a outside life and maintain their sense of individuality. That way, they can be fit to help someone else.

All the best

Annie Bankss 27 Nov 2008 @ 4:11 am

I think this articles is quite sensible. Caretakers need to be educated and counselled about the way they will be handling the depressed people. It is very difficult for a normal person who has not gone under depression to know how it feels. I have read many comments above given by depressed people I am sure it will be a good advice for other care takers as it has directly come from themouth of people who are depressed.

Annie Bankss

Vicki 6 Jan 2009 @ 3:48 am

I have been reading these posts and have had to print them to read when I get home (as I am now at work). I am struggling to know how to help my partner who is suffering severe depression. He is emotionally abusive towards me and I know it is the depression and not him. I love him but he is no longer accepting my love. After five years he has just told me I am better off without him and has pushed me away. Am I supposed to accept this and leave him alone – like his family have done? He now drinks every night and only leaves the house to buy food, alcohol or go to work. He spends all his time in front of the TV and this pains me to know this. Does he really want me to leave him alone? I don’t know. We used to hold each other for hours but now he won’t even accept a hug from me. I want to force him to accept my hug, but is this the right thing to do? I am now scared of saying the wrong thing.

TygaIye 7 Jan 2009 @ 3:00 pm

Iam a caregiver. I have been honing my caregiving skills since I was a child. First my mother then in most of the people I have been in relationships with. I just recently found out my partner suffers from depression and has a mother who is bi polar. Depression affects more people than you can imagine. All the advice I have read is very helpful and I can look back and see the mistakes I made caregiving. I will try to be a better caregiver this time around. Love is the only motivator I have for taken on this again. Sometimes I wonder will I ever be with someone that is not suffering or is everone suffering.

sammi 19 Jan 2009 @ 9:43 am

to vicki above. i am going thro the same thing. my hubby and i were so in love, but over the last months he changed into this unloving person i didnt recognise. i kept loving him but got no return. he lost interest in everythin, just sat smoking staring at tv all night. i could feel him slippin thro my fingers but couldnt stop it happenin. he suddenly packed on new years day n left. he now says he wants a single life, living alone without me in it. he says really hurtful things that make me cry and i find this hard to accept as he never had a nasty streak. i dont speak, text or ring him cos he doesnt want me to, he says he needs space. i hurt and think abut him 24/7. my hubby left the house and died that day. now a stranger lives in his body…but i wont give up, i cant.

sammi 21 Jan 2009 @ 3:13 pm

liz i feel the same as you. i’m scared that at the end of this he wont want to be with me again. its just a waiting game that we have to play to see if we win or loose. my husband wont speak to me either and thats so very hard. he has told me to leave him alone so i respect his wishes. its been a week now with no contact. i feel like i’m the one person who can help him thro this and he wont let me. i hae thinking of him going thro this alone, i just wanna go to where he is and cuddle him so tight and tell him i love him..but i cant, he needs space.
he knows where i am when and if he needs me again.

sammi 26 Jan 2009 @ 2:54 pm

Liz,
my husband also has turned to another woman 4 comfort. i did accuse him of havin an affair with her but he insists she’s just someone he can talk to in confidence, which could be very true as he can speak to women easier then men, so i have to give him the benifit of the doubt. i spoke to him on the phone last night. he’s still soundin arrogant and nasty altho he is still willing to give it two months to sort his head out. he says he gets sometimes when he does miss me and thinks he should return home, but he still needs time with minimum contact. i told him i love him and he said i know u do..i said do u love me and he said a little bit. it really hurts to have been so in love at one time only to be told he dont know if he loves me anymore. keep in touch liz, think we can help each other. chin up sweetie (altho sayin that makes no difference as i well know) :-)

sammi 28 Jan 2009 @ 7:50 am

two days later and he’s changed his mind AGAIN. now he doesnt love me anymore, doesnt want to try and is gonna see a solicitor. i begged him to think again but he’s adamant. he chops and changes his mind all the time, i dont know whats going on. i dont even know if he’ll see a solicitor or if thats just the ilness talking to get a reaction from me. he admits he often says things to get a reaction.
i was starting to sort myself out agin but now i’m rock bottom. just spent all day crying. there is no logical explanation for how the love of my life has turned into this person i dont know anymore.

liz 3 Feb 2009 @ 7:44 am

Sammi,
As much as I loved Chris, Im done with him. He cheated on me and lied to me. He hurt me so much and says he doesn’t know what he wants. I can’t be with someone who would sleep with someone else and say its because they were confused and depressed. To me there’s no excuse. He put on his aol status that he’s falling for a girl and no one is gonna stop him and then he put her initials. I can’t anymore. I give up.

sammi 13 Feb 2009 @ 7:08 am

Liz,
I am so sorry, honestly i am. how could he cheat on you? its not fair to you his depresion as an excuse. i know how much you loved him and that you must be dying inside. i’m here for you if you need me x

Dottie 24 Feb 2009 @ 11:27 pm

My husband is currently experiencing Mid Life Crisis depression. He has been verbally abusive to me intermittently for 25 years and I’ve built up a wall, not ever knowing when the next verbal backlash will come. He’s always worked hard and been a good provider and we’ve raised two wonderful productive kids. We’ve never had a friendship though. It’s been more of a business arrangement. In the past, I could not trust him at all with my feelings. If ever I was vunerable, or let my guard down, I left myself wide open for attack. Now, at age 52, he is pitiful and pathetic as he has lost interest in literally everything, is self loathing, wants to stay in bed and has no interest in anything at all. But what he does want is for me to pay attention to him and hug him and talk to and/or encourage him. I am trying to do this, but resenting him at the same time for all the years he was an unnecessary ars to me and I put up with it, mostly for the kids sake. Now, he’s reaching out to me for sympathy, which being a nurse is not that difficult, but this chip on my shoulder is a definite problem.

S 2 Mar 2009 @ 10:00 am

I suffered from severe depression from the time I was about 15 to when I was 32. It was about feeling lonely, not being to relate to anyone, feeling judged everytime I told someone I needed help. It’s hard to make friends when you are depressed.

When I met my husband, he listened and didn’t judge and accepted my situation. He just listened and didn’t walk away the way dozens of people before him had. He let me tell him the whole story. His friendship helped me get out of the very dark spot.

jay 9 Mar 2009 @ 10:30 am

first time on site, like the comments. ever since i lost my wife many years ago (i blame myself for her death ) , i have been suffering from various degrees of depression. sometime I come out of it and the sometimes it takes a long time to come out. Many nights I go to bed and start thinking that I dont want any friends and that noboby loves me even though I know that I do have a few friends. I did try dating once but I didnt like it becouse of my age (past 60 ) The reason why I dont like dating is because I dont want to get involved with someone and then that if that person dies , I dont know if I can go through that again. The reason that I blame myself for my wifes death is that secretly I was haveing and affair with someone else (not physically but only in my mind) I gues you can call it fantsizing. So because of all of the past happenings I have become what some people call a hermit. There are many times that I just dont want any friends or people in my life. I cant go to any doctors because I dont have any money or job. After reading some of the comments from other people I can concur with them also about my symptoms. I watch too much televison and like to sleep a lot I try to exercise when I feel like it. I do eat ok I guess that this about all I have to say right now. Thanks for listening to me I feel a little better that I said what I said. Oh by the way I did talk to a minister at one time and He said that I need to get involved with a support group. Might be hard to do that since I have no transportation.

Peggy 22 Mar 2009 @ 2:06 pm

What heart felt responses at this site. I am 48 and have been battling severe depression for the last 10 years. It has cost me much in life and as sick as I am of this demon it still seems to be such a close call every day as to who is winning. It has cost me my marriage – my ex-husband just couldn’t understand. His response to my pain was always “get over it” and “it’s just in your head”. Just what always helps right?!?! He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t communicate and just kept telling me to get help. I hope you read this Shirley Johnson, I would love to communicate with you. I feel your pain and feel the same as you. Depression has cost me so much in my life and I want and need help to beat this demon. I think we could help each other. I have bookmarked this page and I hope you have too.

Shine 1 Apr 2009 @ 2:40 pm

Jen, have you thought about a compromise? What if you two agreed to separate for a short time and reconvene to see if feelings have changed? Perhaps he can have contact with you in case he needs to reach out during the break?

When I read your post, I had three thoughts: 1) boyfriend of 7 years… no further commitment in sight? Was this ever an issue? 2) if he really wanted to break up, is using his depression a comfortable way for him to do it? Does he solve other problems in his life the same way, shutting himself away from them? 3) Do you smother him in your efforts to help, not leaving him enough room to try his ways to deal with it?

I wish I could be more definitive in answering your last question, but it’s hard to know without knowing more, and from both sides. Hope any of this helps.

seeker 5 May 2009 @ 12:23 pm

My husband is back in the depths of depresion – in the well I can not understand because I don’t suffer, thank goodness, from clinical depression. We got some news that we’d really been hoping would be different and about which he’d maybe gotten his hopes up for. He drinks when he feels utterly hopeless now, (today was an episode) and I don’t know how to help one or both of us. When we were married the first time he drank (self-medicated) most of the time (we were married for 4 years, divorced for 11 and have been remarried for just over 2) and finally, we needed to not be together as my compassion meter was not yet installed. Most days now, I manage to step on the side of compassion but admit my reactions are not always supportive. The short of it is I struggle too – especially with our recent news – and get frustrated. He doesn’t work outside our home these days and as the primary caregiver and breadwinner, I am at a loss. He doesn’t believe the meds or therapy help and can’t find the way out. He often talks of suicide meaningfully and I just don’t know if going to the ER would actually help – if they would admit him or help in any way. How to keep life moving…

Dom 11 May 2009 @ 5:43 am

My girlfriend has been going through depression for the past few years. We have been dating for 6 years since we were 16 years old. She keeps telling me that she doesn’t have friends, don’t look good, don’t know how to dress, and that everyone hates her. She doesn’t want to do anything and have no goals in life. She said she would want something in the future but she doesn’t want to work for it. Recently, we have been quarelling alot and she is becoming a little overbearing and easily angered. I really love her so much and don’t want her to be sad all her life. I want her to be happy again. So please, if anyone can help. Please give me advice on how to get her out of depression. Please.

Azuree 27 May 2009 @ 4:53 am

When someone speaks of suicide – that is a cry for help. Forget about phony responses, and Get them professional help!
Unless you are a trained professional – get them the help they need. If your loved one were seriously hurt physically, you wouldn’t hessitate to get them help. People who speak of suicide, especially often are desperate, and feel hopeless. Don’t try to be a hero, just call 911 if necessary.

Oxnardi 10 Jun 2009 @ 4:45 am

No. I’ll not play into another’s self imposed victim status. Snap the hell out of it, go help someone with worse problems than your own. See a doctor about meds, but don’t expect me to baby you.

Scott M. Bruner 16 Jun 2009 @ 6:20 am

I’m amazed at the number of comments here from people who say things like “I’ll not help your self-victim status,” or “stop thinking about yourself” or…on the ‘things not to say’ someone said depression is just being weak.

The whole, people are worse off than you, so stop being depressed – does nothing but feed depression. I KNOW! I had to quit the Peace Corps in a country where people are insanely poor to come back and spent hundreds of dollars a week in therapy/psych bills to battle it.

The guilt, though, isn’t going to help, nor is being angry at yourself for “being weak.” Those of us on depression already hate ourselves enough – we don’t need you to add things onto the self pity/loath fest we put ourselves through. If you really want to help us commit suicide, though, this is an excellent approach – knowing that OTHER PEOPLE THINK THE SAME THINGS WE THINK ABOUT OURSELVES if the fastest, most effective way for us to give up.

So, put a cork in it, if you’ve never suffered from this. Seriously. There’s people on here going through – for whatever reason – something you don’t, and can’t, comprehend. I don’t know what it is, but I imagine there is some link between depression and the first world society most of us live in, a disconnect, a lack of connection with out worlds, I don’t know. What I do know, though, is that it’s real, tangible, and people that suffer from depression need real help, and often professional solutions.

I can’t read, get up, exercist, be a good fiancee, work, understand, sympathize, or even relate to the world these days. The biggest problem with depression is that…you just don’t see the point in getting better.

I am lucky enough to have great friends who neither insult me, nor condescend to me, but know that the best treatment for me is to find the people who can truly help me. Hopefully, in time, it will.

much love to all the people on here who suffer from depression. don’t stop believing.

Sammy 25 Jun 2009 @ 9:20 pm

I bought a lock today. A green MasterLock. On the back it says there is a sticker that explains how to unlock it. With it and the, much unused, “24 Hour Fitness” card I can go to the gym across the road and swim anytime I want. But it really isn’t about swimming. It is about survival.
You see, I am depressed. Not your common or garden, just a little down ,sort of depressed, but the real kind. The kind that makes you feel that ending it all would be easier. But, and I know this is part of the cruel truth, I will not end it all. Seductive as the suicide fantasies are, through a chink in the wall of a prison of my own building I occasionally feel glimpses of a happiness I once knew. As long as that happiness exists as a possibility, it is worth pursuing.
Buying the lock was a small step, and I am not sure if you will ever see it hanging on the door of a locker on the gym across the road… I still want to go there and swim, but for now, it just means I am still alive and hoping.
At the moment every day is both a challenge and a gift. I want out. This may be only a small clawing step up the slope but I hope it inspires someone.

jane 29 Jun 2009 @ 9:18 pm

My husband (who is depressed)and I have been going through a difficult time with finances lately. I feel that we can overcome them, however, he feels like a failure. He told me he had a thought of driving head on into a truck. He also said it would be easier for him to be on his own so he didnt have to be responsable for me and the kids and let us down. He is working away at the moment and does not like to come home. He tells me a week ago he doesnt know if he loves me anymore.
I am trying to be supportive and I would do anything for him. I love him madly, but its hard to hear that you may not be loved anymore.
I havent given up and am giving him his space. Am I doing the right thing ? Any suggestions ?

Anon1 30 Jun 2009 @ 5:12 am

Jane brings up a very good point. What is the right thing to do? I mean yes, he broke up with me told me I was better off. But I know that it was the depression talking. Most people I talk to say maybe I am better off; I should just move on. One person even suggested that maybe I was codependent, since I wanted to just give him space and wait and see and told me that I just need to get on with my life. I look at it like this though, would I leave him is he had cancer, would I leave his if he had heart disease? This is the same thing. In a world, where you let go of people simply because they are no longer healthy or able to care for themselves, where is the love? I know that I need to take care of me too, so I go to the gym, I have started eating healthier, I go out with the girls at least once or twice a week, etc. but I don’t see how if I love him I am supposed to give up on him? What is the right thing for him though? Generally speaking, I think when someone asks what they should do. Answers generally come bearing the best solution for the asker and not the person they are asking about. I wonder what would a psychiatrist or psychologist tell a depressed person about the people around them? Should I stay with them? Am I a burden? I suspect they are giving the opposite advice. Which make this really a catch 22! What do you think?

past the troubles 4 Jul 2009 @ 2:38 am

I wonder how many of you eat processed food, drink alcohol, smoke, do drugs,dont exercise, dont sleep and generally treat your body badly on a regular basis?

I used to have anxiety and cut all that stuff out of my life and it made a HUGE difference. Porcessed foods and other chemicals and junk in our world make for toxic bodies and toxic minds.

how 5 Jul 2009 @ 10:17 pm

i believe my boyfriend has depression as i’ve been doing research he seems to tick all the boxes on the symptons, at the moment he’s asked for time out which im giving him but im worried he has depression but am worried how to bring this up to his attention… he might just push me away further, would appreciate any help

Eddie 14 Jul 2009 @ 1:24 pm

The truly sad thing is that all the advice for living with a depressed person points to a single logical conclusion: leave. I know that’s cold, but it’s calculated. Look at the advice, for example, the ‘right things to say’: “What can I do to help?”, “If you ever need a friend, I am here”. While those are certainly nice things to say to a depressed person, they are all about what the CAREGIVER should do, not the depressed person. And believe me, you’re gonna say and do those things hundreds of times with little to show for it. It’ll drive you nuts, and as such is unrealistic. As a caregiver, it takes a saint to endlessly offer such support knowing you are highly unlikely to get support in return at the times your own life becomes difficult. I can freely admit it: I’m no saint. It’s a one way street living with a depressed person: give, give, give support and then give some more while all the while likely receiving none in return. And then when you look for advice you’re told ‘that’s the way it is’. The depressed person can’t help it. I’m sure that’s true, but where does it leave the caregiver? Frankly it sounds like a recipe for a lost life. Cold as it may sound, you only get one life to live, and spending it in a one-way emotional relationship is not very appealing to most people. The unfortunate truth is that if you live with a severely and chronically depressed person you should consider leaving, or you’ll look back at a life of missed opportunities and likely resent the depressed person you vested yourself in. Speaking from experience.

Pent up 17 Jul 2009 @ 7:43 am

I am one of the “caregivers” feeling at a loss for how to best support my depressed spouse and simultaneously maintain my own strength and a healthy perspective on life. My husband suffers recurring bouts of depression. I don’t for a second blame him or downplay the reality and intensity of what he’s going through, but I never know what to say. I noticed the depressed commenters who mentioned that they prefer for people to just listen and say nothing. That makes sense to me. I’m exceptionally good at just listening, and I wish that was what my husband preferred. However, he wants the opposite. He has repeatedly told me that he feels totally alone–like he might as well just be talking to himself because I never say anything. I’ve tried the simple “I’m with you, and I love you.” or “I’ll do whatever I can to support you.” many times, but even though I mean it, it always sounds hollow compared to the magnitude of his despair and anger. He doesn’t want these little comfort phrases; he wants me to be able to talk intelligently with him for hours on end into the wee hours of the morning about the meaning (or senselessness) of life and human suffering and death. The thing is, since he thinks about these things so much, I can never add anything he hasn’t already thought about. I can’t offer any helpful insight. He thinks that I’m just ignoring him and abandoning him when I am simply at a loss for what to say. When I’ve told him that I’m terribly sorry that I never know what to say but I just hope he knows I love him, he gets upset and thinks I’m not trying. Whenever I do say something, he scoffs at it as being so typical, so superficial and shallow. We talk about our mutual faith sometimes, which is the key to me in the way I interpret everything about these issues he’s obsessed with. When he’s having a good day and even when he’s having milder bad days, we have really interesting conversations where we mostly agree on these things. But on the really bad days, he says things that totally contradict what he said the day before when he was feeling better. He says things like, “Actually, this is how I always feel and what I really believe. When you see me acting differently or saying something else, I’m just pretending. When I run out of energy to pretend, then all I can do is just be who I really am.” Then he’ll go on and on about how he’s totally alone, and when I try to reach out and say “I’m with you. I don’t know how you feel, but I’m with you,” he replies that “No. You’re not with me. How are you with me if you don’t even understand me. No one in my entire life has every understood me. I am totally alone.” He literally, physically turns away from me in anger because in his mind I’ve abandoned him even though I’m constantly agonizing over how to reassure him that I do love him and that even though I can’t understand what he’s going through I want to support him. I pray and beg God to give me the words to say that I can never seem to find when my husband is angry at me for having nothing useful to say and he needs me to talk to him. The exact same cycle of behavior and almost identical conversations where he feels angry and lonely and I can’t think of what to say repeat themselves every few weeks, last for anywhere from a day to a week, and then he’ll be fine again for a couple weeks, and then the cycle repeats. He’s really like 2 totally different people on a good day compared with a bad day. I feel so powerless. What can I do? What is the right thing to say when he says life is worthless and nothing but pain and points out all of the reasons why? I can’t argue with him because for him at that moment his life does feel worthless and miserable. I can’t agree with him either though because I don’t want to sound cold and like I’m agreeing that he should end it all… I’m screaming inside… You want me to say something, but what? What do you want me to say? What would be good for you if I said it? If I say the wrong thing, are you going to do something terrible?

Tammy 8 Sep 2009 @ 11:42 pm

My mother who is terminally ill with cancer is severly depressed. She won’t get out of bed, barely eats anything, and is entirely focused on what little time she has left. She asked her oncologist how much time she had left and he told her 9 months. Now she regrets asking that question. I live several states away from her and it is killing me watching her deteriorate. What can I do or say to help her? She has been on an anti-depressant for about 2 1/2 weeks. My father is her caregiver and is struggling. I have sisters and a brother who visit regularly to assist him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Lost_Confused32 12 Oct 2009 @ 7:08 am

Wow. I am a 32 yr old male who is starting to look into the mirror more carefully. I have had 3 failed relationship and its looking like I will have another. I never thought that I, a successful IT engineer would think I had depression. Honestly, I still don’t know. I know I have had a bout with being physically abusive to my partners, as well as, mentally abusive. I grew up with an abusive parents also with Lupus and bouts with being hospitalized constantly. I really don’t remember the last time I was happy. I mean, happiness last for hours or maybe a couple of days, then its back to this altered-ego who is never happy with anything anybody does. Simple confrontations usually stay longer they should and begin to multiply until explosion. I also can start something but never complete it. I’ve seen many counselors, some good and some not so, and I haven’t been able to continue my sessions. I’ve held on to so many things in my past and in my present the closest people seem to hurt me the most. Lately, I been diagnosed with fibromygilia (sp) and given some anti anxiety pills. They seemed to work earlier, but now I don’t think they do anything but decrease my libido. Also, i’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I mean, i’ve always had them in the back of my mind, but now I am looking for a sure way to complete this. I really don’t know where the anger originates from nor do I understand depression like I should, but after another fight with my partner, I am starting to see that it is me who pushes everyone away from me. Why? I have no one now. My mom has said things like “I wish you were dead”. How can someone say such a thing to me, but I act like it didn’t hurt, but it really does. Of course, this was years ago, but I still battle with those words. I have siblings, but no one even seems to care about if I live or die, so I’ve chosen the latter. I am so hurt internally that I just cry. Tried Jesus, but nothing. So I am wondering if I suffer from something now. I use to be so strong mentally and spiritually on the outside, but on the inside I am so fragile, but no one knows. Honestly, I am losing it. I have a great job, but its nothing to me. I even want to quite to get my life in order, but I can’t. The woman in my life has been so dependent on me as a man for financial and mental support that now when I break down she leaves and calls tells me derogatory things. I honestly don’t know where to turn and Couseling has never help. The crazy thing is I can imagine my life happy, but it’s much harder to do it than imagine it. Somewhere I got lost, but where? My memory is so bad from the drugs both recreational and prescribed that I don’t know whether I am going or coming. I can’t continue this way. I love people so much that I would rather kill myself then become a burden on them. Damn, what will my kids think?

Lisa 3 Dec 2009 @ 3:32 am

Jennifer-As someone who is depressed, I am acutely aware of the impact my mood swings have on my spouse. I know it must not be easy to deal with-the ups and downs. This article provides some nice suggestions about things to say to a person with depression. I also think it may help you to talk about your own feelings/frustrations with a professional. Consider finding a therapist of your own who can help you process your own thoughts. Healthpanda.com can help you find a therapist in the Philadelphia/PA area. Good luck

Lisa 7 Jan 2010 @ 9:36 pm

It is great to see people sharing their experiences on this site, I am trying to be a caregiver but it feels like I’m just chipping away at a brick wall to no avail, I have been with my boyfriend for two years now, he has been through so much in this time (people close to him have passed long before their time, he has lost his job, his house, his transport everthing), he kept his head up through it all and kept fighting I admired him so much for it! He said that what kept him going was me and the thought of me and him having a life together when this bad spell passed, I know he was depressed but who wouldnt be after all that happened but he seemed to be getting through it. Now last month he went drinking with the local drama group he’s in and ended up kissing another girl in a game of truth or dare, he told me and I flipped but eventually came round and tried to talk to him bout it but he won’t it’s like he cant forgive himself he said he wouldnt expect me to wait for him after what he’s done, I think he feels he’s lost the only person he can talk to and he’s slippin further and further down, I want to help but I don’t know what to do I’m just drained, he wont answer the phone or txt I’m not mad with him I just want him to get better what do I do?

ribbit 13 Jan 2010 @ 4:46 am

another word for those caregivers, spouses and family members – this is from being on both sides of the equation. what it says above is true, you have to take care of yourself. there is middle ground between leaving someone and jumping in the black hole with them. space and perspective can help you help the person you love, and while they may be frightened that you are pulling away, you’ll be able to be there in the long run if you don’t burn out and destroy yourself. easier said than done, i know. but it’s good to try for.

Lisa 19 Jan 2010 @ 2:13 am

Its been 20 days now since he even spoke to me, he wont answer the phone, txt me back or meet me how long is it going to last I dont think es a failure i just cant bear to think of him going through so much on his own, is this going to last the rest of his life and there is no way he will look for medical help I keep thinking the worst i could never forgive myself if it happened!

Mary 24 Feb 2010 @ 9:29 am

For all you caregivers you should check out this website.

http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com

It’s a forum where caregivers can offer support and advice to each other. It’s really helped me a lot.
All of you caregivers please take a look at it. It helped me feel less alone. I saw my story told by 100s of different people. I think it might have saved my sanity.
Good luck to everyone!

Amanda 27 Mar 2010 @ 8:49 pm

I have just started seeing someone with Bipolar, he had depression at 18 and got through it. At 28 he had another bout of depression and ended up on meds. He is now 31 and has been having issues with his medication so has gone off it thinking he did it for 10 years before and was ok so he hopes that will happen again.

We have only been seeing each other for about 6 weeks and I’m really not sure how to handle it. Do I just leave him alone? or should I send him the every-now-and-then text saying “was just thinking of you and hope you had a good day” or just call him and chat about everyday stuff and not mention how he’s going? and see each other as we normally would.. (a few times a week).

He has said ‘I need to deal with this and it’s not fair on you’ but I really like him.

From reading everyone’s posts above I’m getting really scared that his depression is just going to bring me down as well and I’m going to end up with my heart broken. I know it’s extremely early days but we really like each other.

Can someone advise me on how to handle this? Is it worth just simply asking him “what should I do while you’re sorting yourself out? should I leave you alone or do you want my support and want to see me”. I am a pretty upbeat, happy person – would this help him or annoy him?

So many questions!

Vicky 19 Apr 2010 @ 9:36 am

I am not writing to give advice because I feel completely out of my depth and I don’t know how to deal with my depressed boyfriend. We are both in our early twenties and have been together for over three years. We only see each other on weekends because we do not live near enough. He has admitted to having had depression only recently but says it is something he has coped with all his life. I feel so helpless that the one I love most in the world is suffering and is living in circumstances that can only increase his depression – on his own with no friends living nearby. All I could wish for the one I love is for him to be happy and it breaks my heart that I cant be there for him during the week. I feel like a selfish person for being sick with worry and taking his lack of communication so personally – the last thing he needs to know is that I worry about him but it is hard to hide…I find it hard to be able to separate which behaviours are to do with his depression and which behaviours are part of his personality… He does not keep in touch during the week and this silence deeply affects me – Am I selfish for feeling so rejected? He feels he does not deserve me, that he has no talent, no skills, nothing going for him, not enough friends, he spends all his spare time on the internet, does not exercise or involve himself in any activities… How can I convince him he is the wonderful person I know he is? He cant even talk to me about anything personal…. he clams up completely – sometimes I struggle to feel connected to him at all….It kills me that I cant fix this – He wont go to a doctor/counsellor! I love him so much but right now I feel trapped by my love – I could never leave him but my stomach is literally in knots with worry over him….

Katie 9 May 2010 @ 9:06 am

and i think it is best to not take things personally as people with depression can swing both ways.. they can be so angry one moment and then totaly break down and its not helping thme if you as a friend to them take things personally.

Lee 9 May 2010 @ 10:35 am

Ok as somebody that suffered with depression and was diagnosed by a doctor, i can tell you this

Getting out of depression is hard, it requires self motivation, i know depression makes you feel alone, unwanted and like everything you try is destined to fail, I never truly got over depression, but i am no longer depressed, Why you may ask, Well i did something about it, instead of lying around feeling stupid suicidal and unloved, i decided this was no way to live, i pretended to be a confident person outside the house (which took A while to leave, going outside seemed pointless but it wasn’t) i said hello and good morning to total strangers, pretending to be this confident person i most defiantly was not, yet after a couple of weeks, the going outside for a good long stroll and talking with people became a regular thing, the whole confidence faking started to drift away and people were actualy talking to the real me, this made me eventualy feel like i wasnt the only person around, i wasn’t alone, even tho i had no girlfriend, no job and no real life, for that moment i was walking in the park and talking to mums playin with the kids, dads people walking there dogs etc.. it lifted my spirits for a short while,

as soon as i got home things went back to hitting depression in a bad way, thaughts of suicide etc.. so instead of sitting around doing nothing, i took up jogging, just stuck my mp3 in my ears and went on a damn long run (like 3 – 4 hours) did this every day, and soon enough i started making friends, which seemed unlikley as i felt everybody was against me, people hated me, everything i would attempt would end in failure yet after a couple of weeks i made new friends, and i actually slowly started to feel good, a total of 3 months later i started sleeping regular hours, enjoyed hangin around with my new found friends and more importantly that feeling of self loathing and depression was fading away,

The morale of this story is simple – Depression is hard to cure, its your own inner self that is destorying you,

The way i cured it and 2 of my friends cured it was to take a different direction with our lifes, try something new, but really set your mind to it NO MATTER HOW POINTLESS it seems, and dont give up, after just a couple of weeks you will start to notice a difference,

The cure to depression is not at the bottom of a pint glass, or in your bed, or even shouting at those closest to you (i know you dont even realise you do it) the cure is your own self belief,

think of depression like your batteries need charging, the only way to charge them is to breathe life into them, Seriously join a Gym, go running, or just long walks with your mp3 player, Try listening to a different Genre of music too, i used to listen to dance / trance i switched to Rock when i went running and for long walks, and now im a strong willed and confident person, that wont let anything stand in my way. I seriously recommend a change in direction and you will see things will start to look up

Sian 11 May 2010 @ 2:19 pm

How can you help a person who is severly depressed, and has been for so long that it’s part of their world? They keep moving on to the next thing and then the next when something doesn’t work out. I have a daughter in her early 20′s. She’ll sleep 12 hours a day. She’s gained at least 80 pounds over the last two years. Nothing is ever right. She’s been involved with MEN and I mean 30 year old men who demean her and call her names. When I suggest therapy she gives me the “Why? Why am I the one who has to go?”. I try my best and just listen and try and be supportive, but at this point I am seriously worried. She has been putting herself in dangerous situations. I have reached out and called hotlines. I beg to know what to do or how to help her. She has never threatened to hurt herself, but alas she is doing just that every single day. The worse part now is she has not one friend. Not one. She has never been able to form solid relationships. It’s a sin for a beautiful, talented young lady to live this way. What do I do? My heart is breaking. What do I do?

Katie 12 May 2010 @ 1:27 am

that is true.. you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped. Also you should read some of the tips of the top of this page things not to say with someone with depression as i think you will get a bad reaction from a person suffering with depression if you use those words. Breton’s right it helps with the presence with someone around you but sometimes it depends on the issues first hand what the depressed person has had to deal with.

Depression can happen after death of someone loved or the lonliness some people enounter and all the bad things that can happen to people in their lives.. i do personaly think if someone can face the trigger that caused the depression then it could be worked on.

I would say reserch depression up more to understand it more and if your daughter wants to talk to let her talk. It is true you can only really be there for someone and the upsetting thing is you can never save someone from theirselves.

At one point, as ive mentioned in my posts i never really had friends or really fitted in around people as it can be a confidence thing… and some people need to be brought out of their shells… If you want to be there for your loved ones.. as much as it hurts you shouldnt take things personaly as depressed people can swing from one extreme to the other..

Ive said ive had at least two depressed friends at one point, but its possible that depressed people cant always hold on to their friendships and relationships they have had.. due to their mood swings.. as ive lost my two friends to that.. ive hated it, but as much as i was understanding, patient, caring, and always listening to them it was down to their mood swings that they always ended it… And i can understand how hard it is for a mother and a daughter living together or partners living together as you will want to do everything you can.
Id say it would help if you yourself as the caregiver remain calm as im thinking if you start shouting it will make everything worse… worse for the sufferer and for you yourself. You have to know its nothing to do with you… its hard and sometimes hurtful but you cant take things personally.

Its one thing to say that sufferes should tackle their problems they have had to start with, that begined their depressed cycle but its easier said than done as some people never face their problems they have had, as they dont want to, they cant, it hurts too much.. and its easier to put their head in the sand. Sadly to say those sufferes will never get over what ever their issue was, and that they take pills for their depression as they either think or believe it works or think at times that they shouldnt take the tablets as they are like any other normal person and we can all become depressed at anytime in life.

I probably got angry and nasty in way when i was depressed too but when someone would say something back id feel it deeply and personaly. And id feel like no one cared and that i was all alone. I would feel like breaking down. I know i literaly would experience deep routed pain and anger at times and its like when i would try to express myself when i would feel it to certain family members they would see me and tell me that i was more or less abnormal that someone like my sister when she was expressing herself was acceptable.. i felt that people saw me as stupid and looking down on me – see like that – some depressed people have their own views on what they think people are thinking over them and things like that. They can tell themselves things that they end up believing like they have a different view of life that they believe is true.. the moment you tell them something isnt true the depressed person will bring up their defensive barriers because they cant face the real truth.
I know id try to ask this one friend of mine questions getting her to question her own thoughts, not telling her whats what, but i found doing that worked… in ways i could see parts of my oldself in her thats why i wanted to help her more.

Really how anyone is as a person their thoughts and behaviour pattens apply into any relationship forms, a relationship between their family, their friends and partners. Causing problems and emotions flying high.

If you as a person are not happy with yourself then the people around you pick up on things like that too..

Katie 12 May 2010 @ 9:34 pm

from reading some of these comments i can understand them from both the carer’s point and the depressed person.
I remember all the arguments and fights with my mum which these days i am ashamed of but i can understand that there’s some sort of thing inside your body that takes over in extreme pressure and situations and for a vast majority you dont have any control over what you do and i know im not voilent or anything like that.

The carers need to realise that as much as they care and want to always be there but that sometimes you need to pass the book to somebody else.

Even though in ways i found in the end i couldnt quite cope with one of my old friends mood swings and breakdowns and put all my emtional needs and all of that on hold but i did do just that as i cared very much so for her.

I believe that some people can be brought out of depression and it isnt through tablets, it can be through talking and the depressed persons belif that they can get over whatever it was that caused the depression to come, that their self motivation and self stength out powers their depressed side.

In other peoples cases some can be really severly depressed. Not that i did walk away from my friends but if it got to a point and i did, that is another point i want to make as well.. i could have walked away though, i could of really had the choice to do just that.. obviously i didnt because i am the caring loving person i am, but, as well, the fact that i had a home to go home to which obviously didn’t include my friends. So in a way because i didnt live with them day in day out they would of had to cope on their own. Id wonder how this friend of mine could seriously cope with all her problems and live with them all the time. But she did have a deluded way of thinking that sometimes was easy for her to think like but when she had got something that she couldnt be more wrong about id tell her but in a beeting around the bush style way, using suttelty and all that and i did get the chance to make my points and tell her what was really happening and usualy she could be perfectly fine hearing what i had to say. Id understand her, maybe not always but i did mostly and i could say things like, i understand where you are coming from and so can you understand where im coming from? Sometimes she would turn around and say, well if id have known that i wouldnt have got so worked up and then had a laugh about it. I would use humour around her to bring her out of some of her dsepressed cycles and it generally did work. Compared to anyone else if they had, had a bad day, she she was to have had a bad day it would be alot worse for her. She would have set fixated ideas about things and people and half the time she could be so wrong.

The other friend did manage to alienate herself from her family though to a great point that her family didn’t like her or wanted anything to do with her and her mother didn’t have good opinions of her daughter anyway.
I know she would be so cruel and everything so in the end any friends she did make – she just managed to push every single friend away and that this particular girl would ring up depression hot lines for like a friend and someone to talk to.

JJMolvik 16 Jun 2010 @ 3:56 am

I want a list of responses depressed people can give to the insensitive people!

Reid 7 Aug 2010 @ 5:20 am

My girlfriend suffers from depression, badly at times. I often find myself confused about if it is me or her depression causing friction. From knowing her as long as I have known her, I have learned that in her case, listening, listening, listening is one of the best ways to help her and show her that she is not alone. I am still learning what helps in her case. Has anyone ever thought whether or not it is them or the depression at times? I understand that it can and will be either/or, but it drains me sometimes. Thanx.

Elise 1 Sep 2010 @ 9:05 pm

I have been depressed since I was 13 when I had my first experience with death. Ever since then it’s been like a sequence of making friends and moving to different groups after losing them. My ex boyfriend left me because I was depressed for a week. Right now I have a partner who is the least bit understanding. He pretends tocare when he’s wih me but as soon as he’s gone he doesn’t answer hardly any texts I send him ven when he’s doing nothing. I know I can’t help my outbursts but he just gets angry and has called me a suicidal bitch when I got to my worst. He’s hardly ever here to support me and just edges towards his friends evey time. He says he’s tried to help me but he hasn’t made one move to support me at all and just gets pissed and doesn’t answer. Is amazing how unsupportive someone can be when you try to explain to them over and over why you do this and how much you hate yourself by having these rages. Yet they continue to abuse you telling you this is why you have no friends. I just feel so alone in this, like I have sinkers attached to my ankles in a sea. He was the only one who knew and the only one I trusted. So much for thinking someone is different. So to all those people with depression who have this problem. Learn from my mistake. Get help. Don’t rely on one person to support you. Your family will always be there and be available to get you help. Don’t suffer in silence.

Jules 24 Sep 2010 @ 5:50 am

My fiance at first did not know how to support me so I had to let him know these tips. If someone doesn’t know share this with them.

Claire 20 Nov 2010 @ 8:14 am

This is all new to me. I met a wonderful man in August 2010. We started seeing each other at the begininng of October and it was instant chemistry to the point of planning things as a couple with no termination date. Last week I noticed that he seemed a bit off. I thought he wasn’t feeling well. He blamed it on a medication he was taking. He then admitted to being diagonosed with clinical depression. When I asked what he was doing about it he said nothing and not going to do anything. The next night he broke up with me over an incident most guys would have chuckled at shared shared withtheir buddies. He really blew the whols thing out of proportion and tried to lay the blame on me. I know he has really bad nightmares too. I don’t know if that’s a symptom or not. But, even though it had been a quick romance I’m hurt and left wondering if any of what he told me was true about his feelings or just part of a cycle. I still want to be with him and have told him so, but he won’t comunicate.

Missy 1 Dec 2010 @ 9:44 am

I have known my fiance and been friends for 7 yrs and have been together know for 6mths. He and I have led very similiar lives including bouts of depression and tend to see things the same way. We both have trust issues and desire for the truth. We are living in different states at the time and I was moving to VA to be with him in 3 mths. I know he had been having a rough time lately. Work, not being able to see his kids, me living across the states and money. I know all of this had started to get to him and has been obvious in his increase in drinking. We had a silly fight Fri/Sat morning. We had planned to video chat and I ended up falling asleep before it happened. I am a very heavy sleeper and did not hear the phone ring. When I awoke at 5am and saw these nasty texts and mean voicemails I called him. He apologized, said he had been drinking and his mind went to the worst case scenario. We discussed how the distance is hard and we just have a couple more months to deal. Plus I already had a non refundable ticket to come visit him. Well that was the last time we actually spoke. He ignored me Sat into Sun and I just got upset, leaving msgs and texts demanding answers. I immediately thought he was just being an asshole instead of something being wrong. Sun his phone was disco’d. I immediately thought he changed his # on me and could not understand what was going on. I started writing emails, a few a day. Demanding he tell me why. Then a lightbulb went off and thought maybe something happened. I received an email late Wed night, very vague saying he doesn’t feel like living and he needs to cut this off. We went back and forth with the emails for a little and at the end all I could get was he had an accident, he is alone and has no family or friends there for support, his phone was turned off and he still wanted me there to visit badly. The next day was Thanksgiving. I sent an email asking him to check in with me. Didn’t need to talk but just something so I can make sure he was ok. I received nothing. By Fri I was incredibly worried, had sent emails to some family and a friend of his, saying I was concerned and just wanted to know he was ok. Nothing. I eventually had a friend of mine go by to make sure he was ok and he was not home at the time. I was very worried and sent a few emails stating that. On Sat I realized he had deleted me off his friends on Xbox, we would play togetehr sometimes and I was hurt. I let my hurt take over and expressed it in email. Then the next day I saw he had reinstated his deactivated facebook and removed me and changed his status to single. I was devestated. I once again sent an email, this time it was nasty. Begging him to make me hate his so I could move on amongst other things. I did receive a response to that. He said he can’t do this anymore, there is more going on than he wants to explain and for me to have a good life, he knows I will. I was crushed, begging for answers. I asked if his one friend was in the accident too since he had gone MIA ironically at the same time of this accident. He did not respond. I sat and thought and thought and thought. And I had a wave of clarity. I realized that this is classic depression, He was displaying the same signs as I have previously displayed during my bouts. Pushing away those who care, not giving answers, not responding. I started to think about how I would have reacted to my demanding emails when I was in that state and realized I would have reacted the same way. I wrote him one final email explaining my realizations and apologizing for my aggressive demanding behavior. I expressed that I do understand and I would always be there is he needs me. My question though is my plane ticket is to leave in 2 days. It is non-refundable. I still think I want to go and when I see him merely say, “We do not have to talk, I just thought you could use a friend and a hug.” Will this upset him and make him unreceptive? I don’t want to antaganize the situation. However he has expressed that when he went through a milder case of depression since we have been togther and stopped communicating with me, he realized that I did love him and I stuck by him and it meant the world to him. I’m just confused as to if I go or not. I do love him and do understand and want to do whatever I need to even if it is backing off completely. Any advice?

Brd 6 Dec 2010 @ 4:12 pm

I came looking on here tonight after a horrible day with my mother… something that has been going on for several weeks. I can’t believe it took me until now to think “depression?”, I’m in med school for goodness sake! I guess you just never want to see this in someone you love. Thanks so much for all of these posts, because the stress in our home is simply through the roof and I needed to read something where others were dealing with this and had learned how to best cope.

negative nancy 16 Dec 2010 @ 10:01 am

I am a female who suffers from depression. It runs in my family. I have read the majority of these blogs and there is no reason anyone should be bashing or being ugly about any of this. There are many types and many reasons for depression. To call it a “pity party” is completely uncalled for however, and keep in mind I currently and have suffered from depression for 3 years now, depression is only as bad as let it get. I am on anti-depressants and I still find myself falling into a pit sometimes. But there is nothing that is making you stay in that dark spot but yourself. I found that I love to be outdoors and I love to workout. Both of these things release me and save me from myself. I will feel myself slipping and I will pull myself out. No one can save you but yourself. Not to say that having someone be there to encourage and comfort you isnt neseccary because it most certainly is. I put negative nancy as my name because people refer to me as that often and they are right. I have a tendency to be negative and I really dislike that. I am dating a wonderful man who at times I put through HELL but he loves me enough to support me and do what I need to get balanced again. I hate when I hurt people I love and I can even tell you when I do it but it doesnt mean that it isnt going to. All you can do is try to be positive and look on the bright side of everything. For those of you who suffer from depression, try to appreciate those who are there for you and you “care givers” thank you for everything you do. God Bless.

Inspired By People 17 Dec 2010 @ 2:54 am

Hello,

As an Artistic therapist I work a lot with clients in London that deal with depression and other sorts of mental health and emotional issues.

A few months ago I have co-founded a new charity Inspired By People and we are working in partnership with organisations in developing countries to support the most vulnerable people. This includes a wonderful project in West Nepal where we set up a trauma recovery centre and mental health outreach programme that supports people in remote villages.

We recently organised a trek through the Himalayas visiting the working areas of our partnering organisation. With this we raised money for this project. We are still at the very start of it and will need to raise lots more. If you are interested in donating to us, reading more about our projects or perhaps join us on our next trek then please have a look at our website: http://www.inspiredbypeople.org

I am looking forward to hearing from you!

luvuguupu 22 Dec 2010 @ 2:40 pm

i just met this girl on cht a month before and we fall in luv with each other.but yesterday she told me tht she is leaving when i asked her why is it tht u are saying like this she told me she has got a disease called lupus and it somehow not curable.she will be admited to a hostital today and she told me tht in case she doesnt come back by 2nd of january
thtn
i shud forgive her
so all u people who ever luv someone
plz pray for my sona.for her long life.
guppu

Anna 8 Jan 2011 @ 8:03 pm

Hi Michelle,

It sounds like you are in a tough position. All I can suggest is that when he comes back and says that he wants to change, that you confront him then with the need for long term change. He needs to commit to getting treatment and seeing it through. It might be that you have to make that a condition of getting back together.

I really hope that things improve for you.

Heather 21 Jan 2011 @ 8:37 am

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and he has been depressed for pretty much all of that time. I have mild bipolar disorder, but it’s under control as long as I take my meds. The problem is, although he’s there for me the few times I spiral out of control, I have to be there for him every single day. And by this point, it’s started to take its toll. I’m not ungrateful – he’s a wonderful person – but he has become my life, which means that I have no-one to share the burden of caring with. So whenever I fail, I feel completely inadequate. In all honesty, I wish I could walk away, and yes, I know how selfish that sounds. I wish with all my heart that I could walk away from him and his problems. But I love him. So I won’t. Yet I really can’t see how we can keep on going for much longer…

Maureen 8 Feb 2011 @ 6:09 am

Wow, your insight is amazing.

I suffer with depression and it is something I fight everyday. Some days I am really good and other days I want to kill myself. My depression came after the murder of my husband of 30 years. He was killed by his nephew who had a psychotic break, tried to kill himself but when my husband tried to stop him, the nephew thought he was the devil and told me he must be killed and stabbed him eight times in front of me. Then the neighbor shot the nephew and killed him also. I struggle every day trying to make sense of a senseless situation. If has been three years but I am still consumed by the pain. My doctors will not let me work and I feel I don’t have anyone to turn to. Today I wish I was dead and could stop all the misery.

Annabelle 9 Feb 2011 @ 12:00 pm

I am senior in high school, and I have absolutely no idea how to help my friend who I think has serious mental health issues.

We were best friends in middle school. During high school we grew apart as I made other friends, got involved, etc. But she still considers me her “best friend”. She is obsessed with getting into the perfect college (Harvard/Yale/etc) and joined a ton of clubs and took on way too much. At first I just thought the stress of all of her activities and trying too hard to be perfect was getting to her. But I started realizing that she was crying all the time, joining even more activities even though she’s already overwhelmed, having extreme trouble making friends, etc. when she should be enjoying senior year. She has made her entire focus appearing perfect and is putting so much weight on getting into prestigious schools that I am seriously worried what will happen if she doesn’t get into her “dream school”.

Today I heard her crying in the bathroom after she WON an academic award… I worry that she puts so much on academics/college thinking it will help her feel “happy” but when it doesn’t, she just breaks down??

After class when I asked her if she was ok she said she has been feeling really depressed and has been having trouble getting out of bed. I didn’t know what to say and just gave a generic answer of like, “Oh, it’s just senioritis, everyone wants to just graduate and have summer vacation already.” But now I am worried she thinks I blew her off….

I am really worried but the thing is, being her friend all these years has completely worn me down. She has done a lot of hurtful things and a lot of times I feel she is just manipulating my emotions to get attention, etc., part of the reason we grew apart in the first place. I’m not sure I’m ready to be the “best friend” she needs, but I am really worried she has no support system.

victoria 19 Feb 2011 @ 6:17 am

i dont know where to start. the day my best friend told me she had depression i didnt know what to say. i know along the way i said the wrong things..but things were good at first. so i thought. it got worse she started taking it out on me..but i never and still never even thought were not bestfriends anymore will ever get mad at her for everything she has done to me. i will always be there for her but she doesnt want me to be there for her anymore i think. we have classes together but no hello no nothing anymore. we used to talk all the time. i want that back. i know what she is now is only a mask. how can i bring out the old her. i miss it badly. nothing i do works nothing. being politle everything, offering advice etc. everything ive tryed even giviing space when she said she needs space. we got into fights but i never knew they had an impact on her. they were stuipd like texting a the word “k” and she would get mad. i dont know what to do. i dont want to lose her. she is so focus on school too that i feel forgotten. i really wana talk to her, but everytime i offer to talk to her she saids she busy. i miss her. we were best friends then we became friends now were strangers how do i make things better?

RK 7 Apr 2011 @ 6:17 am

I can explain the kind of relief i am feeling after getting to know that its not only me who is facing this worse situation of dealing with a partner suffering from depression. I want to help him but sometimes his negative thoughts overshadows my positive thinking and i feel helpless in cheering my mood up. This, in turn, affects him as my bad mood shows up on my face. I try a lot to be or at least show that i am happy in front of him, but i am unable to do it all the time. I think i need someone to share the problems i am going through. This would help me to help him in a better way but he doesn’t want any other family member or outsider to know about his condition. I need help….please advice,……. I love him and want to help him, but i feel so bad when i couldnt prevent myself from being sad in front of him..

WhatDoIDo 10 Apr 2011 @ 6:33 am

I forgot to mention that she also has a mental problem she won’t tell me about except for it makes her cry alot. family tell my that alot of are problem is that she “programed” her brain to think teenagers are horrible and It got really bad right before I turned thirteen and worse the night after my 13th birthday.

Michala 13 Apr 2011 @ 4:58 am

I have been dealing with depression for the last couple years. The first time I realized I was at my all time low was right around Christmas time/New Years and I was extremely depressed enough that I couldn’t control myself in crying continously and nothing I did was working. I went to the doctor and got put on depression – come to find out I had to get off of the medication because I wasn’t able to be accepted by an insurance company because now I was a “threat”.

I am at an all-time low right now. My boyfriend has been wonderful through all of this and even says things like “I will never leave you” “I am on your side” etc… But like someone else mentioned above I feel bad that I am putting him through this portion of my life. I was no where like this when we were first dating (a year ago) and it surprises me everyday that he has stuck by my side. My family is wonderful too, because my dad has depression and other forms of it as well. He has given me advice. It’s hereditary and honestly – it sucks!!

I have never had the feeling where I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning – although I frequently have tough mornings where I am immediately down in the dumps. I try things to think positive – but it doesn’t always help.

Lately – my depression is affecting friendships and I’m blaming them for things that I get upset about. Which now, after reading this information, I have learned that not everything is there fault – I am to blame as well.

I’m extremely thankful I found this web-site to share with my boyfriend and family to help me. My friends are having a difficult time understanding me and how I am. No one is understanding what I am going through and I feel like I am at such a lower state than what normal people are dealing with??? Maybe I’m wrong!!

Please, please, please offer me some advice!! I’m not sure what to do anymore. I am fearful of ruining my relationship with my boyfriend and it will devastate me!!

Janaki 5 May 2011 @ 5:01 am

Hi,

I am writing this to bring back from sister from a Mental depression, she was depressed once she is out of college, I was being too close to her till I was getting involved in to my work. And I got a friend who is too close in my work place and he helped me and being a well wisher till now. But last year my sister was started blaming me and my friend for all her failure and she got a job because of my friend and she had some issues in the job and quit the job and telling me I made her to join that office to spoil her life, and she is telling so many thing which is not at all relevant to anything, and sometimes speaking to wall and after she was fighting with me ferociously
Hence I left home staying in my friend’s home, but she started blaming my father for all her failure and telling him he is trying to kill her and to separate her from the family and after she left the home went somewhere else, but till now she is having issues with all of her friends and continuos the same thing, and on a shorter note, my mother also had this problem. Please assist me in getting back to her and I want settle her like I am not able to be happy, even I am having everything I need, but still she is not well I can’t be able to be happy.
She is not with me or my family, my father is also scared to speak with her, and her friends also feels the same.

Charlie 9 May 2011 @ 4:47 pm

I found this site while browsing for articles about helping a depressed person.
I have been married for four years to my high school sweet heart…and until recently I was convinced that we were happy. An argument led to my husband telling me that he was extremely depressed…and I am still trying to accept this in my mind. If you asked me two weeks ago what I thought of my marriage I would have described the picture perfect relationship because I always thought that we had that. I feel like such an awful person for not being able to tell that the man I love so much is suffering so.
I sat down with him, and tried to talk to him about this. I asked when this started, if something had brought it on, and asked him to tell me how he was feeling. He refused to talk; he became angry and told me that he didn’t want to talk about it. I asked him how I could help him, and again he just told me that he did not want to talk about it. I felt like I had let him down, and I sat there wondering what on earth this meant for our relationship.
I think that the worst feeling in the world is that of losing a loved one, and I have felt that way since he told me that he was depressed. He finally told me that he didn’t know who he was, and didn’t know what he wanted out of life. I asked him about our relationship and he shrugged, as if to say that he was unsure of that as well. I am heartbroken, I know this isn’t my husband saying these things but the depression, yet I feel like I don’t know the man I am looking at.
We had recently talked about buying a home, staring a family, and he seemed so happy to look forward to life. Now he doesn’t say two words to me in a day and avoids me at all cost. I ask him every day, “how are you feeling today, can I help out with anything?” and the only response I get is, “no.”
I have been reading up on depression, and most articles suggest seeking medical help. How do you get medical help for someone who won’t see the doctor to start with? Seeing a therapist is completely not an option according to my husband, and the idea of needing medicine only makes him more frustrated.
Maybe I am not approaching this right, but I feel hopeless. I feel as if all I can do is keep smiling as I watch my marriage fall apart before my eyes without an explanation.
I am going to keep hoping that this will pass over time. I haven’t told our family just yet, I am unsure of how he will take that.
If he doesn’t want help, what do I do?
I just feel awful watching him go through this, and not even knowing why.
Any advice would be wonderful. Thank you.

Jill 1 Jun 2011 @ 6:01 pm

I have loved someone with depression for years…did not know that I was dealing with depression for the first 12 years of our marriage…thought it was something I was causing…well, that is what I was told, by my husband. After much therapy that I have gone through, to solve this, I am not sure I want to keep dealing with this. I sought the therapy…my husband won’t. I am not up for spending my time trying to deal with someone elses depression…when they won’t even acknowledge it. My kids don’t deserve it and I don’t, either….I love
him but I want to have a normal life. And I deserve that.

dee 19 Jun 2011 @ 2:53 pm

normal life? What is a normal life. Single parent for a long time, not fun. Plus Bipolar Depression last 7 years. Be grateful someone there for you.

Other person in a marriage getting help for steps in helping the family is courageous. Keep up Jill. Make sure the depression is not due to drugs or alcoholism – be honest with your counselor. I will pray your husband receives help. Don’t give up. It is genetic or chemical imbalance.

My son going thru depression and I am there for him even if he thinks otherwise or doesn’t think I understand. I have been there, I know. Just being there for him….

dee 19 Jun 2011 @ 2:57 pm

Harrogate:
We should start one online, depression support – e-mail me any time.
I understand. healing can happen!

Kaylanna 28 Jun 2011 @ 12:52 pm

Im a teenager going through depression and Im giving my mom all the tools she needs to help me get the type of therapy that I need to feel better but she just ignores my feelings..

1LOVE 5 Jul 2011 @ 5:17 am

I have a feeling my boyfriend is depressed and refuses to seek help. He is convinced that he can help himself but is getting worse. Im worried about him. He quits jobs and stopped going to school. He uses weed to escape. He would leave me, ignore me for days or weeks at a time then come back. Telling me the old him is gone and I should leave him because he’s such a disappointment and is only gonna hurt me. I suffer from low self-esteem so it’s been rough for me. It’s been very painful and I often think its me and not the depression.
I was in the hospital and he couldn’t face me. He told me the thought of me in the hospital, he just curled into a ball and passed out. He told me I didn’t deserve this. Now he barley responds to me. He told me I should leave him because Im giving love to the wrong person. I just got diagnosed with lymphoma and he doesn’t even know yet. I know I will get through this but it doesnt make things easier. I don’t know how to deal with this. A part of me just wants to forget about him but when I calm down I know that I am his partner and I need to be there for him. I just don’t know how. Please Help!

Ellie anonymous 14 Jul 2011 @ 6:10 am

All well and good. However, my experience is that friends aren’t there for those who are depressed. Everyone is too busy, no one wants to deal, and most people are more concerned about setting boundaries and effectively cutting the depressed person out of their lives in any meaningful way. It’s clear to me that I really don’t matter and people won’t be there for me. There’s no room for me in anyone’s life and not because of who I am (i’m only recently depressed, and depressed primarily because I came to the realization that people just don’t make room for others. There’s no real community, not many real friendships, and many selfish people. Friendship has become a commodity and everyone is out for themselves.

Anna 26 Jul 2011 @ 10:31 pm

Hi LizzieLou,

I’m sad to hear that life is so hard for you and your mum. I think that you are right in needing to find support for you. Only when you are taking care of yourself will you be able to care for your mum. Have you thought about joining a carers group? At a carers group you will get support from people who are in a similar position to yourself as well as learn skills for you to help your mum. Alternatively, you could join an online support group. Have a look around until you find a group that suits you as they are all very different.

Anna

rosetta guzzi 1 Aug 2011 @ 10:28 am

sad and confuse
i’m maried for +20 years two mounth ago my husband went to the doctor he told my husband that he had tumor in his bluder thinking that he had cancer he come down with deprecion it is know 3 mounth and with all the med he taking it semed like he going deper and deper in i was just wondering is it normal for to seat on the soffa in the dark.
please help!!!!
.

hua

cancer since that day he has not been the same he seats on the soffa and he wont talk to me i been to the hocspital 5times evrytime we
they tell us that he is depressed they give med and send us home

marie 10 Aug 2011 @ 1:47 am

I suffered from depression four months ago and i guess i know how that feeling is like. My daugher suffered from depression too many years back. It’s will be helpful just being there for someone who is depressed. We used to travel by buses from one point to another whenever she is depressed. We don’t talk a lot..just being there for each other. Holding each other hand, hugging when she wanted..and assuring her frequently i love her no matter what will happens, i will be there for her. No lies, no promises, no feeling sorry for her..just silently accepting her. She is doing well now but once awhile, she will still look up to me to give her the assurance. I send phone messages to her every day to tell her i love her and let her know what a wonderful daughter she is and i meant it from my heart. I am recovering from depression caused by an over active thyroid which was earlier diagnosis as depression. With proper medication, i am slowly recovering. I felt very depressed and sucidal at times, but i am very lucky to have a good friend who was always there for me. People who goes into depression feels they are a burden to their loved ones and will drive their loved ones away thinking that will make the care giver feels better. Actually, i think it is desperate cry from them that they need the support more than anything. Looking at a positive way, i think depression do brings out the best and worst in a person. I find that after going through her depression, she has become a much stronger person and now she tells me there are lots of possibilities in life for her! I believe too, sometimes, we as sufferers should learn to help ourselves (even though i know how difficult it can be) cause loving oneself is perhaps the greatest love we can heap on ourselves. I always told her..do what you feel you want to do to make youself happy, it’s okay to love yourself and not to worry too much what others think. I wish you all good luck and good health!

Jason 20 Aug 2011 @ 2:44 am

I have had depression for 10 years now. Been on and off meds the whole time.
For me it all started when we were expecting our first child and my wife was really sick the whole 9 months. I went into therapy and that did help me alot. Then it got bad again when we had our second child and my wife was sick again the whole time. Then about a year after our son was born I started to have seizuers and that made things worse for me. We had also moved in and out of my parents house twice because of all my problems. Then in Feb 2010 My wife comes up to me and says she no longer wants to be married and walks out on me and our children. So I have to deal with the divorce and raiseing both of our children since she only has visitation right to them. In all for me it has been one big nightmare for a long time for me. I have now gone back on to my meds and will be back into therapy again soon.

sara 22 Aug 2011 @ 4:49 pm

Hi, im 16 and im a caregiver to my boyfriend of about two months. Ive known him longer obviously, and he suffers from depression. He recently attempted suicide an is in the hospital getting his meds and state of mind assesed, an i was just wondering, every post on this website relationship wise all say that the caregiver is either annoyed, or doesnt want to deal with the depression anymore. I believe i can be there for him and id never leave him because of what he cant control… Ive been through sort of the same thing he has, but his is on a much larger scale. I believe this will help me relate a bit and i just want to know if i have a chance of staying with this boy, and if a person with depression, who is on the right meds can live a somewhat normal life?

nikki 28 Aug 2011 @ 6:17 am

hi i wondered if anyone can give me any advice i have a sister who is really shy and recently i have noticed that she isnt eatin properly,she stays in her room 24/7 and doesnt leave the house unless im with her and she has recently started throwing her feaces out of her bedroom window i asked why and she said she doesnt like leaving her bedroom,i have tried on numerous occasions to try get her to go to the doctors and havent got anywhere im gettin worried now can anyone give me any advice please

nikki 29 Aug 2011 @ 3:59 am

if i did phone them she wouldnt talk to them she only talks to me and my son she doesnt even talk to our own dad that much.i said to her if she doesnt stop she will have to go to the doctor because it isnt normal behaviour.do u have any ideas what it could be.

rob 1 Sep 2011 @ 1:56 pm

Most thanks here go to everyone who wrote below and commented, i have a girlfriend going through depression (hence why i’m on this site) i’ve been there myself into depression, but her pain is absolutely destroying me and the comments put below and in the article have certainly given me things to think about and take with me into helping her further. Hopefully you have helped me help her – i could help but add my comment to say thanks (sorry if you actually read this the whole way through – i need to vent stuff)

Wolf 23 Sep 2011 @ 9:35 am

I’m so glad I found this site. I have fallen head over heels in love with an amazing man, who admitted, when we first met two months ago, that he had depression and was on meds. This last week he has been in what he calls ‘his dark place’ – or as Churchill said ‘his black dog’. It’s been strange seeing the man I know withdraw, become isolated, negative, distant but tonight he asked me to ‘consider, before we make any long-term plans, what his depression might do to our relationship’. Compared to some others on here I am lucky as he is self-aware and I know he is protecting my emotions before he does the ‘pushing away’ that seems so common.

So I turned to the internet – to look for ‘coping with depression in my boyfriend’ and found this thread. It’s been invaluable. Even if I don’t actually know how to handle the situation, just reading all the comments has made me understand what he might be thinking and what he is going through.

Right now, as of today, I feel like I could cope as I see a wonderful man who is so full of fun and life and love. But who knows what will happen two months/years down the line? I want to be there for him, to support and care, to love and nurture, but my own emotional well being is also important. That might sound selfish but I’m 37 with a small child so know that my number 1 priority is always to her.

Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to post here – this is all very useful information.

wstcstskirmish 1 Oct 2011 @ 12:53 pm

I’ve been with my wife for ten years and I have tried everything, I’ve now given up. I can’t see the point if she doesn’t want to help herself for any reason. If someone pisses in my Cheerios, I get another bowl. Everyday above ground is a good one. I think I’ve been just wanting to have a relationship with someone who is just fine with themself and the world at large. Someone please find the words to help me find the courage and strength to either keep on or move on.

Helpless 8 Oct 2011 @ 11:03 pm

I looked on this site to find help for my sister. This summer, her best friend jumped in front of a semi truck with the words on her suicide note, “it was time”. And before that, she was on the phone with her saying that “i love you and im very sorry but i just can’t take it anymore”.
It wasn’t a complete shock, i hate to say it. She had suffered through her depression for a few years but it was still very hard. After she died, my sister got to thinking about what was on her mind when her bff jumped. She thought about her pain.
And started cutting. And developed symptoms of bipolar. And starving herself because thats what her friend did.
I didn’t realize that she was hurting that badly until i was told about her arms by a teacher who had seen them. I didn’t know what to do. So i confronted her about it. And she told me why she does it and that she’s getting better. I belived her and i don’t think she told the truth.
My best friend also has bipolar symptoms and has started cutting herself because my sister does.
I don’t know what to do.
But one thing they tell me is that i will never understand thier pain and if i dwell on it, i will become depressed too. I need some help!

RPM 10 Oct 2011 @ 10:54 pm

I am slowly on the mend.

I have accepted that I have been dealing with depression for longer than 10 years. It has came to a head in the last 12 to 18 months.

To most people I would seem to be a ‘Jack the Lad’, I now know that this was a coping mechanism to help me deal with some of the incredibly cruel things that have been thrown at me over the years.

I also know I use this to prevent others from knowing enough about me in order hurt me.

My persona is a layer of protection.

I am an incredibly private person, and I know people close to me (there are not many) find it tough to deal with.

I am highly intelligent and solve problems very quickly. My impatience when people could not catch up troubled me deeply, though I never verbalised it.

I fret about poor manners and expect high standards of myself. Unfortunatly, not everyone has the high moral code that I apply to my life and actions. I find this tough to understand.

I still carry around a heavy burden of guilt for actions against others, most people would perceive this to be minor. I think it’s a big deal.

I question my judgement, even though I know it’s right and proper.

I had trouble sleeping, I used to have a highly developed sense of ‘deja vue’. I had carried out the following days tasks the night before. I had encountered the challenges, solved the propblem in my sleep, so when it came to the daytime, there was no stimulus.

I used alcohol as a sleeping pill, fortunately beers and lagers and not strong spirits.

A can of beer is the only trigger that my mind and body uses as a switch to relax.

I have been very fortunate to have been referred to an excellant shrink who has been out of this world. I was seeinghim every week, now I go periodically. I find his support invaluable.

I cannot see me living the rest of my life with seeing a shrink once every six months. It’s the only true personal honest spaces I have.

Like many of you, I was and still feel incredibly islolated and alone, even though I am a young married man with a child.

My wife is superstar, I would have left me by now. Yet, she seems to hang in there and say the right things and tell me off when I need it.

I live a long way from my parents, but they have been very supportive.

In social situations, I feel like I am looking from the outside in. It’s not as bad as it used to be.

I am involved and committed to a sports club (martial arts) and these guys have been great and very supportive.

When I was getting the adrenaline rush from my AD’s, my instructor would take the hits I was dishing out, never allowin gme to lose control or focus and to prevent others having to manage it.

I will always thank him for that. He must have been black and blue, mind you so was I. The only emotion I could feel was pain.

I have tried to be very honest and upfront about what is going on, whether I am or not I do not want to be seen to be ashamed of what is happening to me.

I feel my honesty in some cases, has backfired and is being used as an excuse to punish me. In hindsight, I would not have shared so readily.

I have been off the AD’s for a coulpe of months now, and feel ok.

I have took the chance to write some of this down, not for comment, but for my own benefit.

If I see it in print, I can deal with it.

If it helps someone to help themselves or others, all the better.

Sue 12 Oct 2011 @ 2:50 am

Hi there, first off i would like to say thank you to all of you who posted information as I am not battling with depression personally however, someone I know is and i have learned a great deal on this illness through your comments.
I was in a long distance relationship with someone who after a month or so decided to inform that she had been taking anti depressants for over 20 years. I would have never guessed it initially as she seemed to be functioning quite normally.
After a few months i did observe questionable behaviour as far as indecisive, bad body image and self esteem issue’s. Not that im condoning her behaviour however, she finally opened up somewhat to me and indicated she has self harmed herself and had suicidal thoughts related to abuse and not ever feeling loved and as a result has no idea how to be in relationship wth someone, as she has alway ran from getting close to others. I really love this woman and i realize i can not “fix” her, however, its really difficult standing by and not being able to do anything.
I have managed to still be on talking terms with her. I really wish i could do more and let her know that im willing to support and understand her illness and not hurt her or walk away from her like she thinks everyone will do anyways.
Its very frustrating for the person without the illness and to the person battling the depression.

Danielle 12 Oct 2011 @ 6:39 am

To elizacook – I feel and see what you are going through and I realize too that your only trying to help, trying to do anything possible to ease his pain and his suffering. I know that if he asked you to tell him you love him every minute of every day you’d do that if asked…cause it appears to me that you do care. you have a right to want to be loved and supported and cared for and of course us women are rightfully deserving of those things. unfortunately when we love someone with depression..we take on their illness too. We are a part of it…whether we like it or not. So in reality you are taking upon yourself some of his depression too..without even knowing that you are. I think that maybe giving him just that space as hard as it is….I mean really hard..cause I know exactly what your saying when you ask him questions about how he’s feeling and stuff..its not to be nagging, its just your way of caring. What I found that worked for me, is just saying…I’m here if and when you need me and then I walk away. I have found that in time and extreme patience..that he does come around. If it only starts out being like 5 or 10 minutes..it is a start. The only other things I say is …I love you and appreciate you. That’s it. If you find something that he enjoys..plug into that. Find his strengths. At night when I go to bed…I look at the man across from me and I think…how blessed I am to be in his life this moment and him in mine regardless of what he is going through. Let the day go, let the stress of that day just wash away. I start each morning fresh and just take a deep breath. It seems like you already know the answers…so trust your instincts. He will come around.

Robin 15 Oct 2011 @ 3:01 pm

THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!!!!!! I am just beginning work on healing my depression following a full-blown breakdown accompanied by a TIA (essentially a short-lived stroke), and will soon be figuring out how to share this invaluable counsel to those with whom I communicate most often. Thank you, thank you!!

Debbie 26 Oct 2011 @ 9:09 am

Hi….I am in an intimate relationship with a 57 year old man who has been struggling with depression. I have been seeing him for about a year now. He went into a really bad spell about 10 months ago and I thought he would do major harm to himself. He had a bad divorce and children were involved and that was about 11 years ago. I am an RN and a friend, but we ended up being intimate. He has told me numerous times that he does not want a relationship and nor do I…I just divorced a year ago. We get together on his terms when he is in the right frame of mind. I love getting together with him and I try to bolster his spirits with all the right words and phrases. I do not expect overly much from him. Like the above stories he goes to work and that is about it. I managed to get him into my Doctor when he was at his lowest and he is now on Wellbutrin, going to work and not missing much time. A great number of times he has pushed me away and not wanted to get together. I have a difficult time with rejection and have to tell myself that it is the depression. I am not someone who wants to walk away from him, but is there a time when one should? I care very much for this man. Everyone in his life have walked away. I am not searching for marriage and have told him this. Do I deal with my rejection differently and respect his down times? I worry sometimes about adding to his depression if I get angry….which I never have ever….I sometimes cry and I know that does not help. Has anyone had to leave someone they cared for or do I hang on and help? I have offered to just be a friend and not be intimate, but we both know that will be impossible. Does anyone have any advice at all for me? Even a similar story would help. Thank you so much

Rachel 2 Nov 2011 @ 12:12 pm

My best friend has depression, I hate seeing her upset and sometimes I don’t know what to do or how to help. And sometimes there is nothing I can do. I came to the conclusion that all I can do it stay by her side, give her a hug, and a reassuring smile. I worry about her because she’s secretive and cuts. She takes medicine to help her depression but lately it doesn’t work. It’s been weeks and she gets worse and worse everyday. Seeing her hurt makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, but I have to stay strong for her. No matter what.

Concerned Friend 11 Nov 2011 @ 2:58 am

This has been a very helpful blog for me. I am trying to determine whether or not I should try to help a dear friend, or even if I am the best person to help. I am aware depression hits people differently but I am hoping someone can share their experience with me. In 2005 my best friend of 19 years completely isolated herself from me (said she wanted me out of her head) and said that she needed a year or two to collect herself and that she didn’t want to be a burden. After a few emails back and forth, it was clear she wanted no help from me. So now, 3 years later her daughter asked that I surprise her at dinner one night and intuitively I knew that was a bad idea but I agreed to start communicating with her again, which I did. It’s only been a month and I see her depression still very strong. I am afraid my reappearance may have made things worse. I am by no means perfect but I know that I remind her of what she (thinks) she wants in life, her past mistakes, and the other people she isolated. She has a lot of hate, resentment and jealousy (these are her words) and doesn’t know how to “fix” it. I also know that until I came back into the picture she was doing better, she found hobbies, new friends, she travels. In the past she got very upset for suggesting she was depressed and suggesting a few books she might relate to. So here I am now, wondering if I should go see her, what to say if I do, am I just making it worse?? Thoughts anyone?

Concerned about a friend 16 Nov 2011 @ 5:33 pm

I met a new friend about 3 months ago. At the time she seemed upset about a break up but I didn’t think much of it but now I am realizing that she is actually depressed and is constantly pining away about the guy.

I asked her if she would get some therapy but she is adamant that she won’t because about 10-15 years ago she saw a therapist and it didn’t help her. Moreover she felt at that time that her family was pushing her away and forcing her to just see the therapist and keep away from her. As I suggested therapy this time she broke down that I am trying the same thing as everyone else and am trying to push her away.

I tried to contact the guy she broke up with but he doesn’t want anything to do with her and is not even willing to talk or give her closure. He even threatened to get the cops involved if I contacted him again and me being locked up is not going to help anyone.
I did this without her knowledge so she doesn’t know this happened. I am wondering if telling her this will help her change her opinion about him and get some closure or if I should just keep it to myself. She may ask me to contact him and I am not sure what to do if that situation arises.

I will be meeting her in a few days and I am not sure what can I do. I talk to her every night about everything. She seems to constantly talk about the breakup but after a while I think it wasn’t healthy for her to keep talking about it so I try to actively change the topic and she plays along for the most part.

I want my friend to be well again and look to the future with a little optimism. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sammy 17 Nov 2011 @ 2:10 am

My hubands friend died a few months ago and he is struggling he was talking about suicide last night and is distant with me and is taking everything out on me i dont know what to do any advice please help
Sammy

amy 17 Nov 2011 @ 2:07 pm

sammy
make sure u watch the sign for suicidal giving stuff away ect.. get him to distrack himself. go walk often dont pressure him to talk. get him med it may help. but mainly excersise help i dont mean work out either got for a walk each night for half hour. dont let him sit there and wonder make sure he knows your there to support him. he may feel alone unwanted useless which is not the case. but if he wants to talk liscend and dont put him down be very supportive, he will be moody angry weird outburst out of his norm its to be expected but he NEED HELP find out why he feels this way see if he open up to but dont force it either. get to see a doctor they take 6 weeks to make full effect but u should see a difference within 2 weeks. Good luck and dont give up, he break threw when he does DONT PUT HIM DOWN OR JUDGE HIM EITHER OR PITTY HIM THAT THE WORSE YOU CAN DO.
good luck hope it helps but keep a close eye to him dont leave him alone too long if you think hes gonna be suicidal change lifestyle can help and enviroment or can be some peers too as in negative ppl

amy 17 Nov 2011 @ 2:15 pm

about your friend and the break up get her out go to a movie change her mind keep her distracted dont force her to talk to a shrink tell her to go see her physician see if he can give her med to ge-ive her a bost but change her enviroment and lifestyle will help her alot

mf 19 Nov 2011 @ 12:35 am

My fiance had uterine cancer and a history of some depression. Despite the uterine cancer, we got pregnant. She was from England and I from California where we lived together. She went back to england once pregnant and in a short few weeks broke up with me. Pregnant with my child, wearing my ring, fighting cancer, she told me what a let down I was and that she couldn’t count on me as I tried to figure out how to move to england with no legal ability to work there so I could be by her side. “Leave me alone.” was her only solution as I begged her not to alienate me. She refused any contact through her entire high-risk pregnancy and even forbid me from attending the birth. as I begged for her to include me in the events, it drove her further away. After the baby and she were safe, I asked again to be included (for our child’s sake.) Refusing mediation, insisting that the courts would decide what role I could play in our son’s life, I filed court papers in England and did as she asked. She has now skipped our court hearing, but agreed that I should be allowed to spend time with my son…under her strict supervision though, as she has never been away from him for even a few minutes. he’s 7 months now and I’ve only got one picture she was finally willing to send. A mediation scheduled for next week will be the first time we’ve seen each other in over a year. She’s told child/fam services that she’s been diagnosed with depression and that she holds me responsible! She was on anti depressants before we ever met and during our romance while fighting cancer. She revealed that she was deathly afraid that i would try to take our son from her. i reassured her I would never dream of it, but that she needed to finally begin including me in his life. Any advice on how to help her stop alienating me? Its an incredible struggle. I’ve always been sweet to her but she treats me like garbage and makes decisions no one can understand. Everyone thinks she’s just a huge A-hole but I know she must be struggling. I tell her I mean her no harm but her only choices seem to be isolating herself and telling me to leave her alone over and over. She might crawl out of her shell now that courts are involved in making sure our child gets to have a loving father (even if I live in Cali) It seems just too much for her to bring herself to do the “Right thing” she clearly knows…I’m struggling with tears and depression ever since she ended it a year ago and alienated me from her pregnancy, the birth and now his first 7 months. It’s so frustrating,I get angry and exhausted and cry all the time, have lost lots of weight, etc. Now my friends worry about me!
mf

Iain 20 Nov 2011 @ 4:35 am

WOW I don’t think I’ve seen this much content on one page for a while! There’s some brilliant reading here. It’s great to read about how many people have also managed to turn their stories and their lives around. This makes for very inspirational reading. Thanks

hopee 29 Nov 2011 @ 4:55 pm

I am so stuck with a problem. We are 4 (one brother and 3 sisters).We have lost our parents one after the other .My mother died of cancer 6years ago. My parents gave us many things but did not teach how to take a stand for Self Respect. We were not to say any thing to any elder either from my mother’s or father’s family for the wrong they did to us physically or especially mentally. It was they who brought about serious inferiority complexes in our life one way or the other.

This problem actually relates to my youngest sister A. Just because of some unavoidable reasons such as bad attitudes of relatives and friends etc. She has developed a serious inferiority complex cum depression. As they all said that she is not beautiful at all. Bye the way she has now completed L.L.B., but all the way she had n has this problem.
The inferiority complex about her looks extends to superiority complex in a certain way too as you know it is the process. For the last six years she had a very bad relation with us, her only three caring elders in the whole world initially she used to say that she is not like us which grows into a situation that she refused to talk to us. Especially she is very very hateful towards me.

On the other side we love her so much. We take care of her; provide her the things as possible under our means. Even we do shopping for her as she refused to go any where (and if she go she has only complains) cook food. Whatever we can do to show that we love her.

I tried my level best to make up the situation but she even doesn’t want to see my face while we are living together.
For the last 4 years I made countless attempts to make up with her but she did not moved.
She has made ridiculous objection over my personality. For example, why I used to wear lipstick. She even tries to make my character scandalous without any reasons.
She refused to do any thing, literally she stayed idle. She doesn’t want to meet any one. She is not happy at all, but very stubborn and disrespectful even towards her only three blood relations in the entire world.
I know you would suggest a psychiatrist. But understand my problem. She doesn’t even talk to us what to listen us and go to a psychiatrist.
And of course how can I forgot back in 2000,when she was a little more cute girl towards me I took her to the renowned psychiatrist Haroon Rashid. One of his assistant see her and she (psychologist) made the sitation more worse(in those days my mother was alive and A had some respect for us)
The problems turns into a monstrous situation. I don’t know how to solve it. My mind is empty I cannot think anymore. We as a family of four are completely Paralyzed.
Please do some thing. I cannot see her self destruction.
What to do?
Worried sister. please reply

Anna 30 Nov 2011 @ 9:24 pm

Hello hopee,
You are in a really complex and difficult situation, and you have my full sympathy. Have you discussed this in depth with your other siblings? It sounds like you all need to agree on a plan and stick to it. I can see that your sister is not willing to see a mental health professional. However, I think it may be good for you to see one, so that you can get some help for your stress levels and some specific advice on what would work with helping your sister. Looking after yourself will help you look after your sister better. Getting some professional advice could make all the difference. I hope this helps.

aaron 4 Dec 2011 @ 5:57 am

I’m in between a rock and a hard place. My wife suffers with severe manic depression along with bipolar and slight personality disorders. Although I know I’m not perfect by a long shot, she won’t stop insisting that I too suffer with many personality and bipolar issues. I even gave my wife the benefit of the doubt and enrolled myself in some local programs to evaluate and treat any mental issues that I may have and all that was found out was that I may not fit in to the norm of society but I don’t need medicated and do not have disorders. Is it common for some one whom suffers with these problems to believe that others also have the same problems because she also mentions about just about every body we know that they to have bipolar as well?

Cindy 7 Dec 2011 @ 6:51 am

I need help. I have been talking to a guy for almost two months, and he had warned me that the holidays were depressing to him… Each day it gets tougher and tougher trying to not say the wrong thing…I really want to see where it can go but I just don’t want to push him away by saying wrong thing.. Can someone give some good advice? And he won’t talk on phone but will in text, if I sent words off a card would that be ok?

shari 15 Dec 2011 @ 9:59 am

This blog is titled “How to Help Someone With Depression”. As the significant other of someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, at what point does the depressed party have a responsibility to own his actions, regardless of his feelings?

I have learned that by communicating as noted in the blog, that I am able to guide my loved one away from the crass, curt responses. I do my best not to take his anger, accusations, and sometimes blunt meanness personally – he is pretty good about warning me that he is feeling depressed or anxious. However, if I have had a rough day or if the communication tips aren’t working I might actually respond to his surliness in the same manner as I would expect someone to respond to me if I spoke to them in such a manner.

Am I completely off base to expect a grown man to be able to segregate his emotions and feelings from his intellect and then modify his behavior accordingly? Isn’t this something we all do regularly, as soon as we emerge from childhood? Therefore, while more difficult for someone with depression, isn’t it still possible?

I liken it to someone who is physically handicapped – the handicap requires some modification of society in order to accommodate the handicapped, but that person does not get a “free ride” as far as eschewing all responsibility to be a productive member of society and an equal partner in a relationship.

What are some tools, if any, that have worked for people in the past as far as developing that ability to segregate the (unfounded, except from a chemical standpoint) negative emotions from the reality of the actual situation?

How to help someone with depression 17 Dec 2011 @ 4:49 pm

This really works.. So amazing.. I almost gave up on my brother. We already took him to a lot of doctors as well as herbal medical expert. They didn’t work. But after reading this post, i was thinking ” what do i have to lose, i’m gonna try this”. Well it did work !!! My brother’s condition is getting better and better.. Yeah now i believe the most important thing to do to help someone who suffer from depression is the sacrifices from their family.. sacrifice to be patient, sacrifice to be supportive, sacrifice to listen though to be honest it’s very boring, sacrifice to accompany though we’re bloody tired, etc. the best medications start from their own closest family as well as friends.. so i wanna thank to the writer of this post.. whoever you are, you are a blessing to my family. thanks again. And for all of you who has read this post, you should read and learn carefully, and take actions, just do it.. it really work. and also i wanna share another source that i learn from as well:
http://www.howtohelpsomeonewithdepressions.com/how-to-help-someone-with-depression

That’s another excellent tips as well..
You just learn all of them, and do it.. They worked amazingly..
Once again thank you to all these tips..

Santo Tudor 1 Jan 2012 @ 10:58 pm

Occasionally you stumble upon some information that encourage further thought – the right article at the best time! Interesting

Anon 12 Jan 2012 @ 5:42 am

I have just been reading this but am still struggling to come to terms with how im meant to be there for my (now ex) boyfriend. He broke up with me over something that i would never break up with him over as i was just protecting him, but to him it is a very big thing as he says the trust is now gone, but then he also says things like hes trying to do what is best for both of us and that he doesnt want to burdon me, so im confused as to whether he has broke up with me because of depression or not ( i am aware that nobody can answer this) All i want to do is runaway but in my heart I know this isnt really him talking and that he is just pushing me away to save me although he wont admit this, he says its because of the trust thing. Is this normal for depressed people to think they cant trust someone who loves them even though they are only keeping something from them to protect them?
Thanks

Annie 16 Jan 2012 @ 7:43 pm

Cathy52,

I’m struggling with the same thing. I have an inoperable brain tumor and the radiation left me with a dead pituitary gland. It’s been 6 years since the radiation and the tumor hasn’t grown, but finding the right balance of meds has been really hard. Unfortunately, many of the meds directly effect my mood. I learned last week that the tumor could also alter my personality, because it’s pushing on brain tissue. Anyway, my husband and I live in Seattle, and my boys live in Tulsa, OK. We have no family here and have no friends because we just moved here last year. All this to say, I think those of us who fight cancer are warriors. Our family doesn’t see our illness, and they want to believe we are the same person. We face our cancer or the effects of it, every day. I take 10 medications, 20 pills and 1 injection, every day. My illness is constantly in my face. Plus, I see it when I look in the mirror at my eyes. They are dark and sunken. I have slowly, this year sunk into a depression that is compounded by my medication. Cancer requires work to stay healthy, and only you can do it. I think your family is out of touch and ignorant of your pain and what you are going through. Counseling for all of them would be a good idea, BUT counseling for you is a must. Setting down your burdens to a non-family member makes your load lighter, and leaves your family out of the “gloom.” It’s hard for them too. My husband is working so hard to help me, but he’s depressed as well because of me. You can only do so much. Educate your family as much as possible. Knowledge is power. Get into a counselor to help you overcome your depression and respond appropriately to your family. No, it’s not the right way for your family to act, but they don’t know what else to do.

Be well, my friend.

Jef 20 Jan 2012 @ 11:41 am

These are almost exactly what I need from my family and what I’ve been trying to tell them for years.

Faith Dwyer 24 Jan 2012 @ 1:01 pm

Olivia—-get out before it’s too late.

Scared- 2 Feb 2012 @ 2:42 am

My boyfriend of 8 years is suffering with severe depression. A few years ago he was injured at work at since then has been in this state. He didn’t get any compensation, and lost his job. When it first happened I didn’t understand the magnitude of how sad he was, and I didn’t help him. I didn’t know, how could I not know? He feels like I wasnt there for him, what he needed was someone to force him out that funk. I thought he needed me to be strong and wait until he was ready. I was wrong! Now he feels like there is no reason to go on, to do the daily tasks that make a life. How can I help him? I only want for him to be happy, more than anything.
-

jake rose 4 Feb 2012 @ 3:38 pm

i have no personal experiences with depression nor am i someone who can help you. I just need help. I know this girl and two weeks ago we started to get to know each other. she told me she liked me and i like her too. just today she told me she used to be in a emotional abusive relationship with one of my friends and she has been cutting since grade 5 (now we’re grade 9). then today she texted me and told me that she wasn’t ready for me and told me to stop talking to her. of coarse i said “I’ll give you all the time you need because i want what is best for you. I will always be here if you ever need any help.” and i agreed to leave her alone. First of all, was this the right thing to do? I dont know what to do, i have no idea how to help her, and i dont want to stop talking to her but i promised her i would. i know i only really started to know her two weeks ago but i care so much for her and i feel like God is just saying “be there for her”. to make it worse i feel as if i try to talk to her to help her i will be betraying her. i would go to the ends of the earth for this girl. i just need some help. she needs my help.

Scared 15 Feb 2012 @ 3:49 am

My partner and i have only been together for 6 months and we are very much in love. I know this never changes but when he gets into a depression flunk he gets very difficult to be around, verbally and phyiscal abusive. Dont get me wrong he has never punched or hit me but being thrown from furniture to the floor or being shoved out the door onto my knees is scary enough. He has had a very difficult upbringing with his mum leaving at around 9 yrs old leaving his dad and sisters for another man. My partner getting into drugs and drink very young and his dad throwing him out at 16. This lead to him living in hostels for at least 5 years as NONE of his family would take him in. He has recently got a steady good job which he enjoys, most days, he rents his own house and he is off drugs and drink. I am so proud of him. But when he gets upset over money or his family( who he now speaks to) i seem to get the brunt of it all. I try to be helpful but it is so hard wen someone u love so much calls you names and hurts u so bad everytime. it always seems to end with we are breaking up but then he wont let me leave. and all of a sudden he is sorry. How long do i put up with this? he scares me so much sometimes i feel like calling the police wen im hiding in the corner.. Some one please help me? he wont take any medication unless he talks about smoking marjana again to help him out of his head which i dnt want him to do.

echos 16 Feb 2012 @ 7:35 am

Thank you so much. My mum is sick. As a naturally strong and happy person, i am having great difficulty relating to the seriousness of her condition. But i don’t want to make things worse by trivialising her pain at every turn. Your words are very helpful, thank you.

JYM 28 Feb 2012 @ 10:28 am

When I was 15 I attempted suicide twice, and once again when I was 35. No-one knows this about me. I am now 58. Things were good for a while, but my mother died and I have been depressed for 5 years. There are days when I don’t get out of bed,don’t get out of my pyjamas, don’t have a shower,don’t want to talk to anyone, hate myself, hate my life, hate the world. If I know I am going to have a visitor, I do the minimal amount of housework, have a shower, put a nice dress on,maybe some lipstick,I put a smile on my face and ask how they are. Then I sit and listen to all of their probems & never mention mine. No-one knows I have depression, I never let any-one see. Friends and family come to me for advice, they think I am grounded, wise, happy, I make THEM feel good. There is no way in a million years any of them would believe I was depressed. If only they knew. I spent a month in a mental health facility, they all thought I was having health tests. I am lonely, but I want to be alone, I don’t cry any more, I don’t listen to love songs and I don’t watch romantic movies.
Once, when my son got cancer, I allowed some-one to see my sadness and that person said to me “How long are you going to wallow in your own self pity.”
The only true thing I know about depression is that it can become a habit, and that no matter what any-one says, it is up to me to deal with it.
So, I give myself one active thing a day to do…sweep the floor, fold towels,make a healthy meal, paint my toenails, spend 3 minutes on the exercise bike…whatever, then I allow myself to go back to bed and not feel guilty because I have actually accomplished ONE positive action for the day. Once this becomes a habit, maybe I will give myself 2 positive actions to do for the day, in the meantime I will keep on fooling my family and friends, because I do not want to be a burden on them. It is MY depression and I don’t want anyone else to suffer because of it. I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I don’t know where I will end up, and I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow, all I know is that I don’t want to make someone elses life a mysery because I can’t cope with my own, so I will just keep smiling and act like I am the sanest person on the planet.

JYM 28 Feb 2012 @ 11:51 am

Thankyou for your kind thoughts James ,I have made a few attempts over the years to broach the subject with friends, but as soon as I see their eyes go blank and they start to look away and change the subject, I realise that it is all too much for them to comprehend. When I worked I was a Massage Therapist and Beauty Therapist, one of my clients was a Psychologist, she used to cry and offload onto me and throw her arms around me and thank me for listening. It was then that I realised that depression has no bounds. I didn’t judge her, I am sure that she was very good at her job, but I have yet to find that person who won’t judge me. I am not sure where you come from, but in Australia the Mental Health system is a joke. The month I spent in a facility was a real eye opener. The nurses drug you until you can bearly walk, they let you lay around in your PJs and don’t talk to you, unless the Doctors are visiting, THEN they make you get up and get dressed. You get 10 minutes with the Doc, who generally just ups your meds and says see you next week. I was confiding my deepest thoughts to one of the Doctors, he was silent when I finished talking, the silence continued, I coughed, he jumped with a start and said “Oh,sorry, I was just thinking about taking my motorbike out for a ride this weekend.”
If you refuse meds, security guards come in the middle of the night and take you to a “more secure” facility. Sometimes you are lucky enough to have a nurse that wants to help and will actually sit and listen or take you for a walk. These people are TRAINED to deal with depression, but they are jaded and stale and they have heard it all before, so their empathy and compassion has gone out the window and been replaced with indifference. One of the nurses even confided in me that they still use electric shock treatment in some cases, that really scared me, so I made sure that I watched my P’s and Q’s. It was really sad to watch and know that there was nothing that I could do to change the system. When I came out of there I was even more determined to hide my depression. What upsets me the most is that there were people in there much, much worse than me and they were being treated so coldly.
So, basically what I am trying to say is,that if professionals that have been trained in Psychology don’t have a caring attitude, then WHO will listen, and thats all it is really, someone to listen.
So, thanks for listening…lol…and have a really great day.

JYM 28 Feb 2012 @ 8:53 pm

Thanks James for the links, I was in Hospital 5 years ago. I am well on the road to recovery now, but it has been a slow process. Understanding myself was the major hurdle, and then right smack, bang in the middle of it, Menopause hit. I don’t take medication, I do take a few vitamin and mineral supplements and have a really healthy diet.Depression is SO complex, there are so many factors involved and it is also individual. My daughter was studying Psychology for 2 years at Newcastle Uni, but she hated the “text bookness” of it. She switched to Naturopathy which is more hands on, and she feels that it is a more caring profession. Thanks for the help, much appreciated.

karfern 6 Mar 2012 @ 12:59 am

We have someone in our life recently that is depressed. I admit I feel very little compassion on someone that has never thought of anyone other than himself. He was not around for his children, and now expects them to help because he can’t (won’t) work, and he feels such low self worth he can’t do anything. Everything about life is a choice. I believe that you have to WANT to get better before anything will happen. Obviously from previous posts, there is no way to help someone. Some want to be babied, some need a shove. I think it comes down to choosing and then taking the steps. If you feel guilty, seek forgiveness and then make the move to do things differently.

Mark 8 Mar 2012 @ 5:05 am

I came here because my fiance has depression. She even admits it herself, but will not seek treatment. It has come and gone for the seven years we have been together. Lately it seems to be worse. For Christmas I even got her a puppy knowing research has shown this can be an excellent cure for depression. She had a dog for many years, I had a dog for many years, my son got a puppy last year and I dog sat for weeks. I could see the joy she had around the puppy and the dogs from the past so I’m thinking win-win right? Wrong. The puppy has become a nuisance and she yells at him constantly. I finally said something this week and got my head tore off. From what I’ve read here, keeping my mouth shut and going about the business of taking care of the household chores, etc. is the way to go. I tend to be a very positive person, but I’ve even notice it starting to drain me. I’m hoping spring around the corner will help… It’s been a long winter.

EG 8 Mar 2012 @ 7:02 pm

@ JYM “hug”

I have been depressed for over a decade now and I’ve hidden it from my family. The reason I don’t confide in them is because when I was a child they would use my emotions against me, teasing me with emasculating insults because I cried and was a male. Even though I know this is a serious problem, I don’t want to burden them or anyone with my problems. The best I could do right now with no insurance is rationalize my emotions to the point that I become numb and don’t feel anything. I would describe my situation right now as functionally depressed by not having suicidal thoughts, working out regularly , not having any addictions(besides electronics),the occasional cry , and when the bad thoughts sneak in numbing myself emotionally. My family knows something is wrong with me but they don’t know what, ironically my mother and brother openly take anti-depressants but they have no clue what’s wrong with me. I have a lingering concern in the back of my mind that one day I will crack under my depression, not sure what to plan for that.

F 10 Mar 2012 @ 10:16 pm

Thanks for publishing this, I have a friend struggling with depression at the moment and this article has given me a completely new perspective on how best to go about trying to help her.

Mark 15 Mar 2012 @ 5:53 am

Dano, you have given me insight to my fiance and may allow me to be a bit more patient. It’s difficult when I am continuously accused of doing something I’m not (cheating, lying, treating her poorly, etc.) I think much of it comes from her previous marriage who cheated on her, but it’s been 7 years. She needs to take your approach and take her life back. I’m just not sure if I’ll be able to hold on long enough for her to do that… But that is my battle.

Carly 16 Mar 2012 @ 1:02 pm

Hi. I’m happy to say that winter is finally over where I am, and I’m slowly earning her trust back. I plan on going into therapy soon, so I’m hoping things will get better.

Alfred 19 Mar 2012 @ 4:31 pm

@Marci. Difficult life situations can lead to anxiety and stress which in turn can lead to depression. In your friend’s case it probably goes deeper.

From what you say, if he’s working two jobs and is always tired and stressed chances are that he is not having the proper nourishing meals that would give his body the strength to cope better.

If you think you can get some good quality Multivitamins or a strong Vitamin B complex to him, this could help. As well as these there are herbs that will help with anxiety and stress.

Let me know if you want more help with this. I am currently updating my website.

McKenzie 28 Mar 2012 @ 11:49 pm

I am still going through a depressive state of mind and i hate when people keep asking me what is wrong that i need to talk to someone. but everytime i talked to someone they all just magically disappeared so now i dont talk at all. For me i just need my friends to talk to maybe thats what your friend or loved one wants just ask if you can do anything to help if she says yes do what she needs the most be there for her or him no matter what happends because thats what friends or family does or if he or she says no just leave them alone for awhile but dont completely leave them they will still need the support of a loved one.

tough times 13 Apr 2012 @ 11:03 am

Hi Spencer,

Your girlfriend needs to get help urgently. Naturally, you didn’t say where you live but if you are in the UK in most cities there are youth counselling agencies which are free. All the ones I know, I am a youth worker so I know a lot of them, you can self-refer. Since she has tried to kill herself already there may be services involved. I also think that you need support too. Being emotionally involved with someone suffering with depression is incredibly difficult, as you can probably tell from the previous posts. A counsellor for yourself, to help you support her and look after your own needs and emotions is important. I don’t know if you know about counsellors but I know many people feel scared and foolish about seeing them for the first time. I still feel foolish and I have seen many counsellors. Don’t worry. If you or girlfriend feels uncomfortable with one, find another one. The right one will make you feel okay about talking to them about anything or even not talking. Its difficult to offer more advice than this after one email as it sounds like your girlfriend is living with a difficult situation and there are so many things I don’t know, such as how she will respond to being advised to go to a counsellor. She might hate the suggestion. Generally, if you listen to people they will come up with what they need but often don’t know how to go about getting it – that’s the best time to suggest things, such as counselling. Counselling would be helpful because it would help her realise she is normal to be unhappy in her situation. It will also help her to realise that she is not responsible for the way her mother is treating her, often it is more about their pain, and she is still a valuable lovely person. I know you are trying to tell her this but when your own mother is acting otherwise, its very difficult to believe, unless you can really see that this is their stuff. Lots of people fail to realise that their whole lives and take responsibility for other people’s psychological issues, so if you can learn to do it at 16 and 17 that would be great. I hope this makes sense and is helpful. If nothing else, keep looking for help and you’ll find it.

ntomboxolo 19 Apr 2012 @ 4:01 pm

I recently found out that my partner suffers from depression,I didn’t knw how to reach out to him.everytime I tried talking to him he kept pushing me away.I then read this article now I’m hopeful that I can be of much help to him.this article helped me with understanding how I can help him through this difficult time

Shari Thurer 22 Apr 2012 @ 4:00 am

As a shrink I’d like to add that psychotherapy often works…especially the deep kind where the therapist is empathic and smart. So, yes, be optimistic!!!
Shrinkrapper

Alfred 28 Apr 2012 @ 12:00 pm

Don

It seems from your post that you are reaching out for help to deal with the backlash that you are experiencing as well as seeking a solution that will help your wife.

It is very hurtful when a relationship that has lasted so long takes a turn like that. The fact that your wife has admitted that she has a problem is a good thing because in therapy she will be able to talk with someone who will not be hurt by what she says..

Your wife must be going through a mid-life crisis that is made worse because of the depression. This must be very deeply disturbing for her.

It appears that she has reached a stage in her life when she is evaluating where she is at and comparing it with what it could be or what it could have been.

As you said, she has been a wonderful wife and mother and that part of her will always be there, though it’s presently lost among turmoil and confusion.

The anger you feel is understandable and it must be hard to hold it within when she tells you, “I Hate you. I don’t want you. I don’t love you, I love someone else. You don’t protect me. You don’t protect the children. You don’t make enough money.”

These words come more from her turmoil and unhappiness rather than a direct attack at you.

At the same time you may need to take some time out for yourself to evaluate where you are at. Is there anything about yourself that you think could need improving?

Your inner reaction to her words are understandable, but they are your reaction, and your reaction could instead be one of love, understanding and compassion. Remember the old cliche? “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

So if you react to her words and criticism with love and compassion, you will feel better within yourself. At the same time, if there is anything about yourself you think should change, then go ahead and change it.

This blog is not a place for advertising, so I can’t really say I have something that may help you or your wife. I hope the words i provided here will bring some temporary comfort. If you click on the link, you will find something else.

Kristine 3 May 2012 @ 6:57 am

My partner of nearly 6 years suffers from depression. I realise this now for sure after reading what everyone else has said on this site. He does not believe that he has a problem and yet I constantly see him sinking into a dark hole and it takes him a long time for him to get out of it again. He has been going through these dark patches for the whole time that we have been together. He has told me that he has never seen the point in lots of things, like going out for dinner, going shopping or going to the cinema although these are things that until recently we did all the time. He has reached the worst point that I have ever seen him at, last night he told me that he wants me to leave him because he cant give me what I need. I cant leave him though, I love him too much and I have invested too much of my life into him to give up on him now. I dont know how to approach the subject of depression with him as any time that I have ever suggested he should see a doctor he shoots me down and tells me that it isnt something that can be cured and that he isnt depressed, but everything points to him being depressed. How can I help him if he cant recognise that his problem needs treatment and is not something that he just has to live through? Has anyone been through this with their partner, refusing to seek help and rejecting me? Thanks x

Anjayla Stafford 22 May 2012 @ 7:56 am

I am suffering from depression and I do like to be left alone and not be bothered with anyone. I do sleep all day and all night. I have a friend who is a good friend to me and cares about me a lot,the only thing is she wants to be with me everyday of the week and sometimes that annoys me because I want to be alone all the time and she insists on being with me a lot. I appreciate her support but as I said I want to be alone but knowing that she cares enough about me to come visit me,and call me,and invite me to go out with her does make me feel good to know someone cares about me. I tell her when I want to be alone but she is determined not to let me be alone.She doesn’t push me to do a lot of things,and she offers to help run errands,or help clean up around the house,she offers to walk my dog and feed my cat for me especially on days when I am too exhausted to get out of bed or if I’m to exhausted to do anything.She even offered to go with me to get help and I feel truly grateful to have a wonderful friend such as she is.

pasadena psychologist 28 May 2012 @ 5:36 pm

The most loving thing you can do for a depressed loved one is find a good psychologist or therapist and take them to their first session. People who are chronically depressed need help— it’s not an illness that should be managed without help. If your depressed loved one refuses help, then you should let them know that their decision to remain untreated is hurting you and that you can’t hang in there if they refuse to take care of themselves.

Genniphur 30 May 2012 @ 4:47 pm

My husband has been dealing with depression for just over a year, and I have finally decided that I need help, which is why I am here. We have been together for 10 years, and married for 3. He has never had an issue with depression in the past. In fact, I went through a depressive state and was extremely suicidal about 5 years ago, and he was the one who convinced me to go into counseling. I did, and the work that my counselor and I did together helped me tremendously, and I have been depression free ever since.

He has been in and out of work for the past year, working well under his qualifications, doing work that he has no passion for. I believe this to be the source of his depression, for a number of reasons. He always talks about how “this isn’t where I saw myself at this age” and “you must be so dissapointed that you married me”. I have a great job that brings in more than enough money for our family, and although he tries to be relaxed about the fact that his wife is the bread winner, I know that he feels completely inadequate.

We get in fights all the time, and he is very hurtful to me (verbally). If I say something nice to him, like “Thanks for working so hard for us” he assumes im being sarcastic and tells me that I’m rubbing it in that he brings in only a little money. OR, he will turn it into something negative, and say “Yea I worked 8 hours, but it’s only about a sixth of what you brought in from your day”.

If he is in an obviously depressed mood, I feel like I have tried every approach, and failed. I learned quickly that pushing a positive outlook on the situation would just make him mad. I have also tried sympathizing, and he turns defensive and tells me that I have no idea what he is dealing with. Or he will cry, and just say over and over that I don’t deserve him. I feel like if I’m nice, it makes him feel more guilty and depressed. If I am realistic, and try to shed a realistic light on the situation, he gets mad and says Im being mean, and that I need to be more supportive. If I try to distract him with something else, or make light of a situation, he tells me I don’t care about him. If I do nothing, and give him time alone, he tells me that I must not care about him, and that I’ve made things worse.

I have asked him what he needs from me, and every day its something different. One day he needs one thing from me, and the next day that same approach will set him off and he will be screaming at me, and telling me I’m doing everything wrong.

I am a nurse, and I have been trained to deal with people who are hurting like this. For the past year I have endured countless unwarranted attacks from him, and I have kept my cool and done the best that I can do to be therapeutic towards him.

I am starting to feel like I can’t take it anymore. My patience is getting shorter, and I’m starting to want to tell him to just ‘snap out of it”, which I obviously know would be a step in the wrong direction.

He refuses to go to counseling, he refuses to talk to friends or family about his depression. He acknowledges that he is depressed, but is unwilling to look for help.

I just don’t know what to do! My husband is such a wonderful person, and I know that this too, shall pass. However I feel like I have to start taking care of myself, and I don’t know how to do that while simultaneously helping him. I will take time to be with friends, I work out, I do fun activities to try and keep myself sane… but it’s starting to take a toll on me.

This board has already offered me with a lot of insight on his situation… but my heart hurts for him, and I want to help him like he helped me years ago, and I’m at a loss as to how.

Lisa 20 Jun 2012 @ 10:58 pm

I am new to dealing with someone with depression and have never had any contact with the illness before. My boyfriend of a few months and I have had a whirlwind romance up until his ex killed herself last week and left a note stating that it was because she knows he is now in a new relationship. My boyfriend has had depression before and has a family history of it. This event has sent him spiralling into depression, he is not sleeping or communicating at all. We live 200 miles apart so I feel totally helpless, he has said he needs to be on his own for a couple of weeks to deal with this. He has seen the doctor and is seeing a counsellor this week. What do I do? I don’t know how to help him? Do I just wait it out? This is hard when we normally have so much contact and I cannot help but feel rejected. I need some advice as to how to handle this and help him through it. He is racked with guilt and feels it is all his fault.

Dontwanttoburden 5 Jul 2012 @ 2:11 pm

I have been struggling with depression since I was 13 I am now 25. I have been in a relationship for 3 1/2yrs after reading most of the post by the caregivers I really realize how much of a burden i am…it was never my intention to make him hurt or make him feel anything close to what I feel. I kind of new it though, he always tells me he loves me no matter what…but if I’m hurting him is love worth it? I already hurt constantly, and I don’t want to be the reason his smile is starting to fade. I love him with all my heart, but maybe its better to let him go. I’ve always thought I was supposed to b alone, but ive always been told that my thoughts are distorted but you guys confirmed that some of my thoughts are true so maybe me supposing to be alone is true too.

Jill 21 Jul 2012 @ 5:11 pm

I wonder why I stay. It gets better then horrible again. My husband is sooooo agitated at everything I do. If I don’t say anything it doesn’t make it better. If I say something it doesn’t make it better. Tell me why I should put up with being treated like this? This is a one sided problem. I can see it but can’t I can’t help him. I have to cover his depression for the kids…really? Let’s face it, they see it. I am drained beyond belief. It is awful but my best advice to someone dealing with this is get get out while you can. I am sorry, but I regret that I didn’t get out before we had kids.

Alfred 27 Jul 2012 @ 1:42 pm

To ANNA

You have been helpful and supportive to the same man for two years even though he refused to make any kind of real commitment to you. That indicates to me that you have a lot of strength and love within you.

You did things together and spent a lot of time together but he never called you his girlfriend. He probably needed a friend and you were there for him.

I would say you have been a very good and devoted friend, and that is very positive.

He told you his heart had been broken by a woman he was in a relationship with for 5 years but she started to see him again. He should have told you but was he too needy and depressed to see clearly enough to do that.

You want to be there for him and that’s very noble of you. Nobility is a worthwhile quality to have, however you need to consider your own wellbeing.

It is very difficult to break through to someone who is caught up in depression no matter what the cause. Very likely your energy will be drained then you will need rescuing yourself.

He must find his way out of the depression without you taking any more emotional hurt. You will have to become bullet-proof if you want to maintain this friendship.

You must consider your own worth and wellbeing first. You have to be there for yourself first otherwise you are not there for anyone, especially after the way you feel you have been treated.

Take a break from the situation and reassess it, with special emphasis on your self, your wants, your needs and peace of mind.

I believe peace of mind is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Make a decision now to accept this gift for yourself.

Amanda 8 Aug 2012 @ 10:37 pm

For a while now me and my partner have not been getting on. we have been together nearly 2 years and to begin with we had a fantastic relationship. The last few months have been hell. He got himself in a bit of debit and was struggling to pay bills etc. He never had any money and this used to get him down alot. However he would never tell me and when i did find out he would not let me help him. He was private renting a house and the end of the tenancy was coming up and we had planned to get somewhere together. However he said he couldnt afford to and decided to declare himself homeless. After weeks and weeks of worry at where he might be put he has eventually been given a nice 2 bedroom flat. However as all this has been happening i have noticed that he is not the same. He doesnt hold me like he used to, he doesnt kiss me, he doesnt want to have sex. I honestly thought it was something i has done and we would argue about it all the time. I would ask him what was wrong and he would say nothing. over the weekend he got us at the crack of down and slept on the couch. He never moved from the couch all weekend. I questioned him again about what was wrong and it just turned into and argument. Yesterday i had finally had enough so told him we needed to sit down and talk. Thats when he has admitted to me that he is depressed and he feels that he is losing it. He now says he doesnt know if he wants to be with me but he still loves me. He wont tell me to leave but he also says he doesnt want me to help him. This is breaking my heart and i have no idea what to do. I am 29 years old and have never delt with anything like this. He says he wont go to the doc and he feels that he will be put in hospital. What do i do? i cant lose him but i am finding very difficult to understand and to take all the negative things he is saying.

Beetle 12 Aug 2012 @ 8:02 pm

I don’t think I can handle my partners depression any Longer! He won’t take his meds he won’t listen to anyone and nothing I seem to do is helping, he refuses to see a doctor and it’s crushing both of us! I want to help but I’m utterly helpless I can’t stand the abusive language and his mood swings! What do I do?

Emily 3 Sep 2012 @ 9:01 am

I’m in the same situation as above, but with my mother and not my partner. She does take medication, but as she’s also an alcoholic (and alcohol is a depressant for those who may be wondering why this would affect it) they don’t help. She’s been depressed since before I was born. I’m 21 now and when I was younger, she was always doing things as a cry for help. She took me and my sisters to a refuge and tried to kill herself and divorce my Dad, because she blames him for it, although in the last 3 months or so I found her depression originally stemmed from an ex she had more than 30 years ago who she never let go of. About 5 years ago, she seemed to calm down – she was still depressed but seemed to accept it rather than to make those cries of help as she did when I was younger. Her blame on Dad caused a lot of arguments and some situations that bordered on violence, and although he isn’t a great listener, he never stopped financially supporting her and they are still married. Having had this upbringing, I also suffered from depression from a very young age up until around a year ago. I never had counselling – well, I had one counselling session, but the counselor kept cancelling…Not very useful…And I never went on anti-depressants after seeing that they did not help my mum at all. I fought it myself, I decided that wasn’t who I wanted to be and I broke out of it somehow. High school was hell for me and I still find it very difficult to get very close to people having had my trust broken many times, but somehow I got rid of the person I’d been for years in order to make a life for myself. My mum, however, is now almost 52. She has any number of health problems due to her drinking and what she perceives as a stressful life which brings me to my current problem. After finding out her depression was stemmed from the ex she never let go of (after he rang up out of the blue) I decided this would be the perfect turning point for her. My younger sister (20) is currently studying Psychology at University and having been through quite severe depression myself I understand part of what it takes to snap out of it. We’re very mentally mature for our ages, so having identified what the depression stemmed from, for the last 3 months we’ve been working like never before to get her off her feet some more. Our house is a dump site and she rarely goes out and exercise is good for depression, so we started going through large areas of the house to clear up and I took her to the shops more often which is a nice short walk. It was going very well and she seemed a lot more positive until two weeks ago. I went to visit a friend for a while, but spoke to my sister on the phone to make sure the tidying was still going on but she said no, mum seemed more depressed than ever, and when I came home three days ago she was still very very depressed. Her mum passed away just over a year ago, but my Mum heavily grieved then, and still was not quite in the state that she is in now. The only other things that could have sparked it is my dad having been laid off work suddenly just before I went to visit my friend, but my dad has been out of work for a couple of years previously throughout the recession, and she didn’t get anything like this then. When I was younger and mum had her cries for help, I hated her for making our lives hell. I didn’t quite understand depression then to the extent that I do now, but in effect, it was down to her depression that her and Dad argued as much as they did, it was down to it that they both drank heavily, it was down to it that I was depressed, it was down to it that I was bullied at school and a number of other things. Now, after straining my own mentality to pick her up off her feet, she’s acting as though something is seriously wrong and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hate her – I don’t love her, but in time that may have come about – but I cannot deal with this. As stated before, I am 21, by this point in my life, I feel that I should have a job and my own place to live. I’m currently in the process of searching for a job, but her moods wind me up so much I end up in tears from anger which obviously stops my productivity. Just earlier today, I said “I think I’d like to go traveling when I’ve got some money together” and she replied with “I think I’d like to be 6 foot under.”
It’s very hurtful that’s somehow with seemingly no trigger, she’s stopped caring about my life or my sisters and I don’t know how to handle it.

Lily 10 Sep 2012 @ 8:47 pm

Hi I have been with my partner near a year now and he has a sick child and to start with our relationship was great but after 6 weeks things started to change his mood went from being real happy to all of a sudden change real rapidly with no explanation, for the past 6 months every few weeks his mood changed and he says i deserve better as he is worthless and finds life difficult, he looks at it as the world is on his shoulders and everybody is against him, things got really bad when we moved in with each other 8 weeks ago and for the last 5 weeks things have got worse, he tells me he doesnt love me and that he has no feelings for me and then he wants to make it work then he doesnt and then he feels hes about to have a nervous break down and changes his mind constantly as to what he wants in life, he says at the moment i am not the one for him but his moods are constantly changing, one minute he is on a high the next he is on a real low. it almost seems like he has bipolar, but he is having difficulty letting go of the past with his ex wife and finds it hard to let people in and trust them as he has major paranoia problems and trust issues, he feels all i do is slag him off but i merely confide in my friends as I cant talk to him as he only hears what he thinks hes hearing which is negative things rather than what the person is actually saying, he is rather negative about life but when he is happy he is completely different but lately he isnt happy and has turned to drinking at the weekends which has lead to anger and lashes out at me. I dont know what I can say or do anymore to help him? and I am desperately looking for answers? as he is completely unrecognosiable to when I first met him? whatever problems we have he confides in his ex wife and she even cuddled him the other day as he near broke down in tears which in my eyes isnt right? but hes so messed up right now? I dont know how or what I can do to help him anymore? am I best letting this man go out of my life? or do I stay and hope by me telling him almost every day that he is worth more than living in the past? and that i love him? will change things cause at the moment that isnt working and all i keep getting back is you deserve someone who loves you? as I am just going to drag you down with me? he says he cant see himself ever loving me? but i dont know if hes just saying these things as he is so depressed he feels i deserve more? he has threatened suicide a couple of times when hes been drinking which is a worry, but I am at the end of my teather and not sure where to turn anymore? please someone give me advice?

Amber 17 Sep 2012 @ 2:06 pm

Oh and PS he has already said he thinks he needs professional help, but the VA is very hard to talk with! He keeps trying to call to set up an appt and just gets the answering machine every time. Then when they do eventually call back, it’s inevitably when he is at work, and thus continues the game of phone tag. It’s horribly frustrating! He wants the help and can’t get to it!

Sam 25 Sep 2012 @ 7:12 am

My girlfriend has been very depressed for about 4 weeks now ever since she has started college and she hasnt seen me at all (both 18), she thinks that her leaving me is better for the both of us, but i dont want to lose her, i worry about her all the time, i even wake up early in the morning to say “have a nice day at college” and she leaves in a happy mood, then when she comes back shes very depressed and says she has alot of coursework to do which i think is either an excuse not to burden me with her depression and she he in that state, but then there is times where i would say something and she would go back to her old self for just a few seconds then when i bring up her not seeing me she gets all upset again, I dont know what to do, i dont want to ever leave her shes the only thing that i love in this world and the only thing i cannot live without, I know that she has self harmed in the past and im afraid she might do it again, she was gona leave college but her photography teacher convinced her not too, i dont know what to do i just wana get her back to her old self and see me, she doesnt ever seem to like going out and when i’ve asked to see her one weekend she always says no coming up to it, I’ve done some of the things other people on here have said and she seems okay, as soon as i mention her not seeing me she gets upset, shes had counsellors but they dont seem to work neither does medication she just sits in her room and does coursework, I really dont want her to leave me and if i lost her i’d end up doing something very stupid….

I just wana know if there is anything i can do to help her its been like this for 4 weeks.

daniel 28 Sep 2012 @ 4:08 am

i really appreciate the effort of this article, but let’s remember that depression is still a medical condition and like all medical conditions, it manifests different on different people. Like someone mentioned before me, sometimes saying nothing is the best thing to do.

this actually works for me. sometimes being talked to is what triggers it, simply because i feel harassed by the sympathy they try to offer and somehow guilty for not responding as they expect me to.

so i guess it’s safe to say that sometimes the best thing to say to someone with depression is “Are you ok?” and unless the response is vast, leave them the f. alone.

Thomas Andrews 9 Oct 2012 @ 10:43 am

Perpetually scolded, you are told that you are strong, you are healthy, you do not have the right to neglect your duties. One distant evening you climb to the very top of a frighteningly tall building and jump. No more petty and worthless feelings, no more insults and feeling like human trash. It’s over, peace at last.

Alfred 9 Oct 2012 @ 2:40 pm

THOMAS ANDREWS

Are you very depressed and is that why you are “neglecting your duties”? People do not understand depression and they have no right to criticize what they do not understand.

Please do not let yourself feel worthless or like human thrash because of the scolding from other people.

You are a unique human being so gather the strength to be yourself and you will find the true spirit within you.

Amanda 18 Aug 2007 @ 1:03 pm

Thank you for this (and your other) helpful, practical post about dealing with a depressed person. My husband (and, by extension, I) has been struggling for a while and today is the day I am finally telling him he needs professional help. I still don’t know exactly how he will handle it, but there are a few good phrases you suggest and an attitude I can adopt so I don’t somehow make things worse. I wish you speed and love in your healing process. Thank you for reaching out at what is surely not an easy time.

Laurie 8 Sep 2007 @ 1:13 am

This was my first time to this sight. For me I am the depressed one and a lot of problems with family members I think that should read this. Not only depression I have Hepatitis c and siroccos of the liver and ostiopenia. Many reasons among others for my depression I have copied and printed this to let my family know just what is going on with ME. I did also copied Things to say to someone with Depression and Ways to insult someone with depression. I am hoping that my Son, and Mom so they can advice other family and friends. I do believe this information should help a lot. Thank you.

Matthew 14 Sep 2007 @ 10:23 pm

Thank you for this article. I agree with John’s post wholeheartedly. Most people don’t understand, especially when the only see me when I’m doing ok.

Below is an excerpt from an email I sent my brother.

Please read this ( http://www.findingoptimism.com/lifestyle/12-ways-to-care-for-a-depressed-person/ ) and related posts. I want you to better understand how difficult it is for me at times. Some days are better than other weeks. Most people don’t see when I am totally immobilized by this illness. Mind you things are getting better from the ongoing therapy (3x per week ++) I’ve been receiving at the Center for Concurrent Disorders. Finally people who understand.

Linda 17 Sep 2007 @ 10:33 pm

Very moving information. Will print this off for myself, am bipolar, splitting up with husband, found someone else yet is the depressed one. Has taken it out on me, no longer wants to have a wife who is bipolar and care for me when needed but has depression that I think is not being treated by his doctor. He has taken his rage out on me and has called me weird and others say I’m weird too. Very hurtful when you are bioplar so see both sides, depression and bipolar. Not a very good combo. Compares my hospital bills, trying to commit sucide as making him broke, going to go into bankruptcy but charges car parts to equal my hospital bill and then says that we are equal. So unfair.

Yen 19 Sep 2007 @ 5:57 pm

Jamie, I am a bipolar patient (primarily major depression) who was very touched by your post. Your sister is VERY fortunate that you are so caring about her. It is often the case that depressed people come from un-nurturing homes where they cannot develop normal self-esteem and where criticism and punishment are the primary means of correction, rather than teaching and encouraging. This was true for me, and it is only in the past few years (I am now 64) that I feel good about myself, thankful to be alive, and able to face ordinary problems without collapsing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Your sister may struggle with this disorder for her whole lifetime. She needs to be encouraged to stand up for herself to anyone who is disrespectful to her, to see her doctor and/or therapist regularly (and speak honestly to them!), to be faithful in taking her meds, and to connect with a good support group. I recommend the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance; they have helped many thousands of mood-challenged people and those who care about them over the past 30 or so years.
Best wishes, dear. God bless you for your loving, caring heart!

Ricky Bobby 6 Dec 2007 @ 9:00 am

my wife suffers from bipolar disorder and has real bad mood swings and crazy thoughts i dont know what to do to make her happy.she is really good hearted person and all but sometimes says and does stuff she does not mean.i am doing and reading everything i can to learn all about bipolar disorder and what i have learned has helped this relationship a lot.

Deepak 3 Jan 2008 @ 12:10 am

very nice advice indeed!

James Sabo 23 Mar 2008 @ 2:59 pm

Been in AAs 12 step program for 33 years now and what a good program it is for me. I noticed you have not mentioned AA JIM

miffy 4 May 2008 @ 5:44 am

Thank you for the comments.It helped me a lot especially that I’m living with a loved one who is depressed. Please do post more tips if you have helpful materials at hand. This is a big help to all others out there.

jake 6 Jun 2008 @ 11:47 am

Does anyone know what the right appoach would be to get the depressed person to seek help from a psychiatrist. There have been many attempts without any success…

Ajay 26 Sep 2008 @ 6:01 am

Very informative

Christian John 26 Nov 2008 @ 3:13 pm

hmm.. is this a good idea for a depressed introvert Friend of Mine? oh.. it seems so hard… T_T but thanks!!

Cheryl 16 Jan 2009 @ 6:33 pm

Dear Fellow Caregivers… I first found this site about 6 months ago and would come back often to read the helpful advice of those caring for a depressed loved one. My partner has suffered from bouts of depression for as long as I have known him. Because I loved him, I was willing to take the journey with him through the dark times of this illness. He was stubborn and would tell me time and time again – it will pass…. “i’m just feeling down because this happened.” Or “it’s just because it’s been rainy so much.. it makes me feel down”… or any of a dozen things. I tried my best to help him. I read things here and in books and did my best to practice the “what to say and not say to a depressed person”… took all of the valuable advice to heart would force him out of his isolation and do things to build up his self esteem and make him laugh. Everything I knew how to do because I loved him. He often got angry and would try to push me away; and I thought I was doing the right thing to be understanding and encouraging and patient with him. Winter has always been a hard time for him; the dark cold days seemed to get him down. Many of the losses in his life of loved ones happend near the holidays and recently, he had a few setbacks in his work. Being a manic person, he would beat himself up when he failed. He started missing nights of sleep. He lost his appetite. He was weepy about things. I thought it was like the other winter doldrums we had gone through together. On December 15th, my companion of six years took his own life. I am no longer a caregiver; I am struggling to survive the anguish, the unanswered questions and the guilt I am left with. If you love someone who is suffering – they need help. YOU NEED HELP. Nothing I read, anywhere, told me that he might be suicidal and what to watch for. We had a beautiful, loving weekend together (one of those weekends where I thought he was going to be okay). I said goodbye to him and went to work Monday morning and he hung himself in the basement. Loving them isn’t enough. Being patient with them isn’t enough. Trying to say the right words isn’t enough. I’m telling you my story because I was where many of you probably are now… thinking I was doing the right things. Thinking we could figure it out together. Thinking my love and comfort would be enough for him to get past his depressed period. Please, don’t allow yourself the comfort that I thought I had of doing and saying the right things to help the man I loved. He was masking so much that I had no idea about and now he is gone. Forever. Educate yourself. MAKE THEM GET HELP!!! You are not enough for them. If I have said anything to scare you, I can’t say that I’m sorry. I would have given anything if someone had scared me. I wish you all the best. I lived wth it for years and know how hard it is but I’d take any of those hard days back now because having him gone is worse than our worst day.

div 8 May 2009 @ 3:20 am

i don`t know that may can affect the idependence of the depressed person she has to feel confident but by herself not for others like i say this make the depressed person more dependen of others

SHARYN 25 May 2009 @ 1:12 pm

My 18 year old daughter suffers from depression which has affected her moods and behaviour her whole life. As a child she was demanding, naughty, defiant, hyperactive, and threw major tantrums where she would beat her head on the ground till it bled. She had problems sleeping and suffered from night terrors. Everyting terrified her. She was diagnosed with ADHD, and I read and learned everything I could on the subject. I tried everything possible to help her, from diet to medication, psychiatrists to music therapists, and most of all kept her busy! As a teenager she suffers from mood swings and feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and sadness. She always threatens suicide, and feels her life is not worth living. She is good at masking these feelings and often manages well even though she struggles with day to day activities. Last night she kicked in our windscreen while I was driving in heavy traffic. I pulled over and we sat while I comforted her until she “overcame” her meltdown. I was worried sick and was not sure if I would have to have her hospitalised. I listened to her abuse and claims that I just do not understand. I admitted that I struggled to understand and that I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to find solutions to her problems. When she had settled and I finally left her, I thought for a long time about the senselessness of it all. She would appear to others to have everything going for her: she has a stable family life with parents who love her and have always supported her. She is beautiful, smart and talented. We are not rich but she seems to get everything she wants. I finally realised that her constant demands are a way to make herself feel better. But what has just hit me is that nothing will make her feel better- no amount of money or attention, and nothing I say or do will make her feel better either. She is extremely demanding-and has everyone waiting on her and running her errands. She is oblivious to other people’s needs, as she feels hers are more important. If anyone dares say no to her, she becomes hysterical and often violent, and threatens suicide. Her perception on life is a negative one, and she believes she has had a terrible life, that life is unfair, and that she is hard done by. She tends to focus on only the negative things in her life, and on what she does’t have rather that all the good things in her life. I will never give up on her, although I am emotionally exhausted and financially drained. I discovered this site today and at least realise that the person, my daughter, and the illness are two different things. I have often experienced anger and resentment toward my daughter – maybe she is just a spoiled brat. But I know that she cannot help these feelings and her behaviour, and if she could change it she would. She is actually a beautiful person, but this illness brings out the worst in her. I guess now I need to understand what I need to do in the future as I maybe needed to care for her indefinitely. It doesn’t help when some family members who don’t understand just criticise. Any advice or comments would help.

kathbc 6 Jul 2009 @ 1:31 pm

Cheryl, my deepest sympathy to you, My hsband also finds the holiday season very difficult, but here in the southern hemisphere it is summer. Winter can also be a problem for us. we experimented with alternative remedies as he is allergic to most of the drugs prescribed in the past. food works wonders, but it also helps for him to be really aware of how he is feeling and talking about it. We spend about an hour each day talking about how we each feel and supporting each other through our feelings – both good and not so good. being able to understand the cycles of his moods and the things which can trigger them helps. We have found instant coffee and cola drinks to be the worst triggers for the manic mood which is then followed by a deep depression. I now refuse to have them in the house. I also know that when his mood is beginning to slip that a good high protein and fat meal is required. This will sometimes help if I can get it to him soon enough.
On the great positive side he has been fairly well now, with no meds, for about 6 years. Prior to this we were learning about his mood swings and through talking and spending a lot of time reprogramming how he thought about himself – this took about 6 years too. There were times when I wanted to commit him but it seems that within 3 days of me reaching my limit he would come right again.

Mike Ng 22 Aug 2009 @ 2:40 pm

My spouse is depressed for as long as I know her even for about 1 year I get to know her. We plan to get married this coming 9th of September 2009 but her condition really drain out most of me as I am losing more and more patient to her and release my anger to her which every time make the situation get more worst. I know she has depression and I dont know how and what I should do to make her feel better. Her situation is very similar to what had Sharyn posted and it is very painful for me to watch her hurt herself every time. She would bang her head until bleed and she said that is the only thing that could relief her pain inside and is the only thing that she is happy to do. She hate everything else, everyone and sometimes including me because I dont know how to care for her and the only thing that I know is to get angry to her and lie to her ( I promised her everything and when i could not do it, she will get depressed and call me liar and start hurting herself). Her father died in an accident when she is young and she said that her father is the only one that love her while her mother does not care so much about her. Plus that she does not have a good environment during her teenage time, she decided not to go to school anymore and her most of her classmate were fighting in the class most of the time and chit chatting during teaching. Then last year we met and we were being together. For the 1st mth, we spend a lot of happy moment and as time goes by, she began to feel depress more and more as time goes by. I am scared that someday, she will commit suicide just like what Cheryl posted and I really want her to be cured. I love her very much and tried to persuade her to go to doctor but she refused every time and said ” I am not sick”. I am worn out from inside out, really feel exhausted. She is kind hearted and happy girl and this sickness make her become this way. Now I am working far away from her and start to think that whether is this the right move to take. I have been working outstation for 4 mths now and each day I am suffering inside until yesterday I search information about depression and realised that how I am treating her was not right at all. I argued with her everytime when she is depress. She have mild suicidal thinking and I know this is getting serious and I don’t want to loose her just like what Cheryl been thru. I really need tips on how to persuade her to go to doctor. Thanks Cheryl for your advice and thanks in advanced for you out there who is will to share with me tips to persuade my love one to get help.

Living with a depressed partner? | hbfd 27 Mar 2010 @ 6:55 pm

[...] http://www.findingoptimism.com/blog/life… [...]

anon 16 Apr 2010 @ 2:51 pm

…thankyou, and i am so sorry for your loss.

Neena 26 May 2010 @ 3:22 pm

My 19 yr old daughter is going thru depression. She has generally been a very happy child but as an infant she suffered from meningitis, due to which her motor coordination has been a bit slow. Following this illness, she has always had problem in coping with her written work in school. But with some effort on her part and help of teachers, she managed to get thru her tests/exams. But, as she was a child who was always struggling to be up to date on her work, she had very little time to make friends, socialize. This has made her very depressed as she was unable to make/keep friends and she has become an introvert who loves to spend time in front of the tv. That has become her only outlet/means of entertainment.

Now, as she sees other girls of her age going around with boys, she too wants the same. In fact she had a crush on a boy in her class, but he did not reciprocate. This has made her very very depressed and angry. She has very low self esteem and feels she is not good enuf and will never find anyone who will love her. She has been often talking of ending her life. I have to keep motivating her and encouraging her to think of happy thoughts, but at times i am also at a loss and emotionally drained. My husband does not treat her with love, as he feels she is a shirker, who only likes to sit in front of the tv and do nothing. She often complains abt his behaviour to me, but i am unable to do much. Pls help me as to how to improve her self esteem and the situation at home.

Alex 22 Jun 2010 @ 7:43 am

Thank you for this wonderful website and these enlightning comments!
I am from Germany and moved to the States for the love of my life. I never realized how depressed he was until he got on a deployment. I tried to put up with his behavior and all made sense, the weird behavior before, the up to 14 h a day sleeping… I snapped when I lost our baby and forced him to the doctor – he had to take effexor, highest dosage… Things went amazing but the side effects were enormous, weight gain, no libido… He got off effexor for me. It’s been rough so far. The other meds have not quite been kicking in. I feel exhausted and ashamed that I am even mentioning this, but sometimes I don’t know what to do!! I feel I need so much help sometimes as I still have tons of problems as an immigrant… I don’t know how I can balance my problems with his, that makes me feel so worthless! I fear I could lose him because of this, but he’s so precious to me, he’s my husband and he’s all I got. He says he doesn’t understand my problems and when I break down crying for his help he can’t move… It’s breaking me… I really will try to follow these 12 points! Thank you for this wonderful insight!!

sumeet 20 Aug 2010 @ 11:53 pm

Hi everyone ,
i am 18 y old boy , from INDIA , friends in all over world this problum is spread wide range , i take care my mom and always
with him or motivat them i with u , i can do everything for my mom health , somtimes i feel stress ,this life is totaly stressful ,so dont mind
be positivie
my message to all suffer person or her family memaber to be cool ,life is so long this is not life to leave your family ,love , just be with them they loving u or care u …understanding u ,, they know ur problum ,,,just share it , i know its so hard to face that person , but never leave him always happy with them ,cares love friend and i am so small but , i telling u this because ..i face this problum bec i know ur pains ..after read ur problum ,,,i carying because i am also same like u ..friends ,take care, gudby

ken opheim 20 Oct 2010 @ 9:13 am

My wife has had depression for the last 25 years. we have gone thru just about every type of medication you can imagine. This includes ECT treatment 3 time a week. She is now takeing ablify with a MAOI drug similar to nardil. We have been seeing a pschic Dr. for the last year and one half . I am begining to lose hope, can you help us.
I love her so much.

Aaron Mills 14 Nov 2010 @ 9:36 am

I would just like to say thank you, this information helped me alot.

VanFruitje 23 Nov 2010 @ 1:22 pm

I can’t stop crying when thinking about what my boyfriend is going through right now. We have been together for the past 2 almost 3 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs as every couple has. He had to now go back to Europe, due to financial difficulties and unfortunately couldn’t finish schooling. He was supposed to graduate from college next year. Ever since I have known him I knew he had depression and we briefly tried treatment while he was in school (free counceling in college) and it helped somewhat. Then throuhgout this whole time I have known him he has battled living on his own here, without family, and constantly under stress due to financial concerns. He is my hero, my bestest friend, the man that I insanely love. He has always been a fighter in his own way. Dealing with a big hurt in him due to his tough family situation of divorced parents and a mother with OCD. Now we are apart. About a month ago he went on antidepressant medication. And now he is a different person. We barelly talk, after talking almost daily and even multiple times in spite of the long distance intercontinental circumstances. In the past 4 weeks we have spoken only twice, decently, often I don’t hear anything from him indearing anymore. No “I love you”, no “I care about you”. Today it hit me, that I am going to crumble if I don’t get help and support to help him. This is not him and after reading that I need to separate him from the illness I feel so miserable. As if I have been failing him all along. And this medication that he is taking…is it going to completely take him away from me? How do I cope, how do I help, what do I say and not say? For months we were planning my visit to see him after being separated for 6 moths. Now, this is so hard to write, I don’t even think he will come to the airport to meet me. What do I do, I want to stop crying for starters and then I want to be of support and help in a proper way. Please help me.

W 19 Jan 2011 @ 10:07 am

Hi everyone who cares.
I need suggestions for my 25 year old son, who lives at home with his father and me, his mother. He comes from a very loving family. His 2 sisters love him, and his dad and I love him. He had a happy, stable childhood with lots of friends. In junior high he started to change, and become somewhat angry and quiet. Same thing with high school. He’s very smart, but a little anti-social and very shy. He is a handsome, tall guy. In 2008 he attempted suicide half heartedly. (Meaning he stopped midway) No one knew about this. He’s had 2 years of college. He told his parents about the suicide and depression in 2009. We were devastated and immediately set about to get him all the help he needed. He’s been in a hospital at UCLA, been an out patient at another hospital for months, and had lots of therapy. He’s been on Prozac and sleeping meds, and has a psychiatrist. We did 2 family counseling sessions to try and find out what the problem is …. rather, how to help our son. He never gave any concrete examples of why he is depressed. He dropped out of school and shows little interest in things that he was once interested in, like biking and playing basketball. He still likes to eat and he showers everyday. He loved our cat but she recently died of old age. That was hard. He does not seem to want to get better, and he is not getting better. He has been very hard to talk to for years–even his doctors told us that. We wish, as his parents, that we were better communicaters with him but we are not horrible at it. He just puts up a very thick wall between us. Nonetheless, he does know that we love him. This fine young man doesn’t date, has never had a real job, and doesn’t do anything to make himself feel better. He was successful at doing extra work on TV and in the movies and did that for about a year – that’s his only job he’s ever had. He was even a contestant on a popular TV show, and was a hit – but he was in costume, and did not have to show his real face ever. He has not told his sisters (who don’t live at home) that he has depression. We wanted him to do that, as it should be his personal decision. We are at our wit’s end with what we can do to help him. He is wasting his life. Honestly, I feel that it is not just depression that is doing this. I feel that his social awkwardness and extreme shyness are just as much to blame, and to me those things can be worked through. He just doesn’t try. He is in a horrible rut, and he is allowing his depression to define who he is. I am worried, and want my son to have a good life. Thoughts please……….

W 20 Jan 2011 @ 6:25 am

Thank you, James. We will do a treatment review. Bless you for caring.

anon129873 10 Mar 2011 @ 8:51 am

Thankyou for this it has helped me alot my sister is 17 and has depression, i am still in high school but have to help my mum look after her and its so hard to do as she is so unpredictable, sometimes i feel like walking out after her having a go but i know i can’t as i know how much it would hurt her when shes better and realizes it was her fault that i walked out. It breaks my heart watching my mum suffer the way she does and watching my sister cry scream go giddy for no reason at all, i wish i could just take the illness away from her as it has ruined her life so much i just want her to have a normal life again, be able to go out with her friends without her being scared of lashing out on them, be able to go out and have laugh and me not have to constantly worry about her and is she ok has her mates fallen out with her. Sometimes she says stuff to them that she doesn’t mean to say but they dont know about her illness so just fall out with her and shes dropping everything she hasn’t left the house for 2 weeks cause shes scared of loosing anyone else. I wanna do family stuff with her but my exams start soon so i don’t have any time to do anything which upsets her but i need my GCSEs and good grades i don’t know what to do anymore.

JD 22 Mar 2011 @ 6:19 pm

I have a sister with depression, she’s in her 30s. I’ve always felt that I’ve been able to talk to her but over six months ago, she became involved in a relationship. There have been some problems with her partner and she is very defensive of him and suspicious of anything negative said or implied about him. I have been able to chat with her and we do laugh together but later on, when she gets into a dark mood, she often uses what I said in our conversations together against me. She’s accused me of looking down on her and her boyfriend and for a while, she barred me from talking to her and screamed at me and kicked me when I tried to get her to talk to me.
She lives with my parents so in a way, I don’t have to bear with this on a daily basis but I’m extremely hurt that she has chosen to reject me in this manner. I know a part of it is due to the new experiences she’s going through and not being able to cope with too much at one time but it still hurts to face the rejection, especially when I’ve only ever had her best interests at heart.
I can’t help but worry what it will be like in the future when our parents are gone. I’ve always assumed that I would care for her financially and provide some emotional support and perhaps naively, I never thought it would be a huge problem because we always got along so well. But I see now it will be a huge responsibility and often times, a thankless task as she may resent having to be “taken care of”, yet realistically, she will need some support because of her condition.
It’s really not easy.

Owen 9 Apr 2011 @ 4:36 am

My wife suffers with severe depression, she has done since she was about 13 and while up and down since then, has been on a massive downward slope since her father committed suicide last year (also due to mental health problems). I love her dearly and want to help her as much as I can but I also am trying to juggle a very stressful work life as well. In the early years of our relationship she had her ups and downs but we worked through them.

I like to think I am a strong, patient and tolerant person but it has become really difficult lately. My work has gotten even more stressful with many deadlines and although in the past I have always worked from home as much as possible, or gone in late in the evening after Holly and the children have gone to bed, I have lots of projects at the moment that require working with other people or access to facilities that are only available in waking hours. To be fair to my wife she has always said that I should go in when I need to go in, and do what I need to do – but I find it very difficult because I know how much she is struggling. If I ever need to work outside of our normal “arrangement” of times, I will get 2-3 texts asking when am I coming home, telling me she’s having a very hard day, the kids are being difficult etc. I appreciate she is venting her frustrations but I cannot bring myself to put myself first and ignore those quiet requests for help! So I abandon my work and come home to help, stressful but OK, but every few weeks we end up having an argument as she says when I do come home I am no help, she has to do everything herself and I might as well stay at work until I am 100% finished with it. I feel I have no real outlet for my own frustrations as I don’t have any particular time just for myself ever – sometimes I stay up late after she has gone to sleep and simply read the internet, but that’s the only time, and to get that I have to sacrifice some precious sleep! The other thing I enjoy is working on my car, which I try to do occasionally but not very often, however it almost always leads to an argument – I think she is frustrated because she has no passion or outlet of her own. I had a major breakdown yesterday and today and after some soul searching I decided that it was the illness talking one more time, and to talk to her about me having some personal time maybe one evening a week. To which I get an angry reply that she has never told me I can’t (which is true) and that she never gets to have a break from her illness, and all my efforts to help and be her carer are useless as I don’t do anything to actually help her. She also insists that I don’t love her, or the children, or I would help her more, and she doesn’t know why I am still here. I try my best to be reasonable and I never lose my temper but it is very hard trying to convince someone you don’t secretly hate them. She can be very irrational and uncaring but never in an obvious way so I have to work very hard to tell myself that it’s not how she really feels. In addition there is definitely a part of me that resents it, the part that wants to just run away and not have responsibilities anymore, and I worry that part is starting to show through above the rest. The past few times

I struggle to differentiate between what is actually her talking and what is the depression. For the past few months I have been having to actively tell myself to ignore this comment or that argument, because it’s just the illness talking, but it’s getting harder and harder. The past few times after an argument when I’ve tried to patch things up and convince her that I do love her in reality, I have found myself feeling resentful even of that, feeling like I’m only even working at the relationship for her benefit.

She is very good at being aware of her illness, never misses a beat with her medication and is seeing a counselor etc. But I find it very hard to keep separate what is her and what is just her illness, and still juggle work/children/marriage/domestic stuff etc, all of which still carries on with the rest of the world regardless of her mood that particular day.

Sorry for the ramble but reading these comments has given me strength to carry on and try to make things work.

Claudia 23 Apr 2011 @ 4:17 am

My mother has been dealing with depression for over 30 years since her first episode in the 70s. At first she was given medication that appeared to dull her senses but enabled her to go through the motions of keeping the home going and being a mother, she continued with these drugs for over 10 years, there but not there, emotionally detached.

When my mother retired she managed to come off her medication with specialist medical supervision as it was no longer needed but addictive and for the first time since I could remember she became totally well and eventually drug free. Her personality and her sense of humour began to show through which was truly wonderful and we began to really enjoy life and she dared to live it. I think as a family we all thought the bad old days were over and in retirement with fewer stresses she and we could put the past behind us. However, clincial depression can be episodic and she had lapses after 7, 4 and now 8 years. Happily, medical knowledge has moved on so much more now and with the right medication, specialist care, a lot of patience and support it is possible to recover fully between episodes and I firmly believe she will again despite the fact she is now 75.

Depression has a devastating effect on the family. It is important to realise that not only do you have to separate the person from the illness but also to recognise that it is their illness not yours. Right now I realise I might have to step away for a brief while to look after myself so I can go the distance for her something she’s not happy about but something I must do (I’m talking seeing her just a little less each week, moving back to my own home keeping up with my own life to give me strength to support her). However much energy you put into willing your patient well, only they can actually follow advice, take medication and the steps to getting themself well and you can’t hurry it.

This illness has affected me deeply all my life and has had a serious impact on the relationships I have built as an adult as care can be so all consuming drains your emotions and your energy and eventually you do emotionally shut down while you deal with the crisis. However, it has affected my mother more and I am so proud of how she continues to fight this devastating illness and know that she will find the will to win again.

It is never too late, but depression is a serious illness and it needs specialist care occasionally requiring a hospital stay so that the patient can be appropriately assessed and the right medication prescribed. Like anything, the earlier it and its severity is diagnosed the easier it can be treated. Look after yourself, get help, lose weight, eat healthily, take exercise and try not to take too many pills unless they are properly prescribed.

With love

Angellic 6 May 2011 @ 1:57 pm

Hi, my boyfriend has ocd, because of that now he´s got depression. I´m so sad and I don´t want to show it to him because I know that, that would not help him. At first he wanted to push me away but I told him that those kind of actions will not help him at all, he understand. I love him so much, I really want to help him but sometimes I feel so weak, or I don´t know how to control my feelings like today that I felt so frustrated and desperate because he started feeling so bad and I asked him how could I help him? and he answered me in a very rude way. My reaction was almost cry and he asked me why do I have to do things so hard and difficult? Now with these ideas I have some help but I think I need more. Now he´s under medication and therapies, and I would like to know when will he be recovered I want him back, I want him as he used to be. Please help us!

Me 15 Jul 2011 @ 6:48 pm

My partner and I recently broke up. During our relationship she experienced a very bad tragdy involving the loss of an ex partner Since then she has been diagnosed with depression and is seeking professional help. When we were togeher our communication broke down and she ended up treating me very badly and saying extremely hurtful things. She is unable to deal with any criticism or normal everyday problems. I am a nurse and it’s just so natural in my nature to want to help and love and support, it’s not enough. I am powerless and it’s the most frustrating and saddening thing to watch her breakdown. At the same time I’m feeling guilty and a crap person for letting my feelings get involved…I feel like I make her worse. I’ve tried everything for the last 2months (perhaps this sounds selfish) but it’s hard to forget those hurtful things she has said to me. She says she wants time, but doesn’t want me to wait for her. She says she wants to be with me but I make it worse as she has to face things when I am around. I need to consider my mental health too I just dont know when or if to just stop…

Daisy 28 Jul 2011 @ 7:43 am

My boyfriend broke up with me in May because of his depression. He’s very good at hiding it and bottles up his feelings. He kept saying that I’m better off without him. Things were absolutely perfect last year, that’s the saddest thing. I told him that I am here for him. There’s been sporadic contact throughout the time we have been apart and he only seems able to open up to me in his texts. He has confessed to just feeling lost at the moment and making these grand statements that society serves no purpose. He seems to want to get happy and rests these life-changing things on it. First he broke up with me because he said he’s got to be on his own and can’t worry about two people. Now he’s hoping that he’ll feel happy after he’s finished writing his novel. He’s resting his happiness on these huge milestones and I know he’ll be disappointed. I’ve been consistent throughout this, he’s made me feel absolutely rubbish about myself but I haven’t said a bad word to him or against him. I have always said that the door is open and I am here for him if he wants me.

He’s very good at putting on a brave face – he came round the other week and we just chatted over a cup of tea, he stayed for 3 hours. We didn’t talk about anything serious, it was kind of the elephant in the room though.

I think I’m going to contact him tomorrow and ask whether he would like to come for a walk with me. I’m going to ask him how he’s feeling. I know that he can’t use words to express how he is feeling but I want to let him know that I am still here for him, I am prepared to get hurt for a few months yet. I am convinced that he hasn’t told any friends or family about how he is feeling as he is good at suppressing it. I just want to ask him whether he has had someone to confide in then maybe suggest that he sees a doctor. I have suggested this many a time but I am going to try and take the calm approach. No one talks to him about his depression and obviously I don’t want to bring his mood down by bringing it up but I also want to show him that I’m not afraid of his depression and if we talk about it, it doesn’t seem so scary.

It’s horrible seeing a loved one go into depression, there’s sometimes no getting through to them – maybe he’ll just chuck it back in my face tomorrow but I need to do all that I can.

JessicaM 5 Aug 2011 @ 6:11 am

i’m really grateful for your post. Thank you, this helped me understand what my sister’s going through a little bit more. I understand how she feels but somehow feel useless with help her and i want to make things easier for her because i know she would do the same for me. I will do some of the suggested but im sort of worried she won’t take me seriously because i’m a lot younger. She talked with me about it before but i don’t think she’ll let me actually try and help her properly. She has already been to a psychiatrist which gave no help and she doesn’t have anyone to talk to except me and a friend of hers. I know i can’t just heal her but I hope this will help her a little.

Betty 9 Aug 2011 @ 1:48 am

Most of the posts are sympathetic but I can relate to the one asking whether it is just poor choices. I mean, I would also like to just be taken care of by someone else, sleep and rest all the time, have lots of therapy, and not take responsibility for any housework or other work, too. But I can’t, someone has to take care of everyone else. So I take the responsibility and my husband takes the ease, diagnosed with severe depression. I just can’t feel much sympathy for him, I feel anger and resentment. I am sure his fears are real to him but how many people are lucky like him to have a job, family, financial security? sure he can’t just snap out of it – but I have to, I am not allowed to rest or be depressive.

shauna 13 Aug 2011 @ 11:21 pm

My husband and I have been together for over 30 years and he has had bouts of depression on and off for most of that time. We have both trained as therapists in the past and I myself went through a period of depression about 25 years ago so I understand what it´s like. Despite -or perhaps because of – this he has little faith in therapists. Both of us had therapy at the time.

We are British and moved to a new country some years ago. I have made some new friends but he hasn´t. As we are self employed we are together much of the time.

I can relate to a lot of what has been said here. He ccan be fine for a while but his mood swings are sudden and unpredictable. He says he feels furious a lot of the time and can be very verbally abusive when he´s angry. At other times he just says he sees no point in life and wishes he was dead.I really feel for him and know that nothing I do or say will make it better for him. I love him very much and try not to respond to his insults. I know what is meant by separating the person from the depression, but sometimes it feels so patronising to dismiss what he says as a symptom. He often says it´s him, not me and that I get the rough end of it because I´m there. Of course we´re all human and like everyone else I know I can be irritating at times. But we can´t have everyday rows like ordinary people because they inevitably escalate

I really don´t know what to do. I feel very lonely and don´t like talking to my new friends about this as it feels like a betrayal of him. They like him – he´s very funny, intelligent and charming in company most of the time (although he an be very rude to me on occasion when we´re with old friends). He´s a good man, but the insults and lack of closeness at the moment is making me very unhappy, I´m losing my confidence and starting to feel resentful and ill. I know I shouldn´t rise to the bait when he´s like this. Most of the time I can do this, but sometimes I get upset and feel that I have no self-respect when I don´t stand up for myself.

I know there´s no answer, but it´s useful to be able to get it off my chest with people who understand.

Thanks

varun 21 Aug 2011 @ 8:07 am

A friend of mine lost her mother a few months ago and i supported her in every way i could to help her recover but with every passing day her condition is deteriorating and it has now become really hard for me to help her come out of this. Also she now thinks that she is more of a burden on me and wants me to leave her the way she is. i have tried what all I could but it has all been of a little or no help. Please help me come out of this problem, I’ll be really great full to you.

Tara 28 Aug 2011 @ 4:53 pm

I am crying as I read everyones stories. My partner has been diagnosed with depression as well as bi-polar disorder. Some months are good, acutally great. Then there are the times when the days seem to run into each other because the pain will not end. The countless hours I spend trying to get her out of bed, get her to take her meds (because as a bi-polar patient they will take the meds until they feel better and then stop), change her way of thinking… so many things. I always refer to myself as a quote from a song, I am her favorite little punching bag. I take it all. All the hurtful words, all the pain of her telling me she is fading away. I print numerous articles, letters, poems, anything that may help her feel better. She sees her therapist and he gives her the medicine. Recently it has spiraled out of control because her sister passed away 3 weeks ago, trouble at work, and her daughters and remaining sister causing drama. Should she not talk to those who cause her drama until she can work on her? She will not get any anger out…. she changes the subject or hangs up the phone. I am at a loss. I am hurting for me and for her. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I love her and want to care for her, but my own health cannot take much more.

Ted 17 Sep 2011 @ 9:44 am

I am so grateful for this website and the many comments. Having read so many accounts of bravery and inner strength might just give me the impetus to carry on.
I have been with my partner for over 30 years, good and bad times. Her depression and anxiety have always been a feature in our relationship but the good times in between have helped to make life bearable. However, the last two years have been a nightmare: my partner’s depression has worsened including the need to go into hospital, receive ECT and try a myriad of differing medications. All to no avail. She is now so severely depressed that medication seems to do very little and she spends all day in bed. In order to cope, I resigned from work (thank God we can manage financially) and run the household and garden. I find time for sport and exercise but, otherwise, feel completely isolated and lonely. My partner takes no interest in what I am doing, we never have a conversation except about her own ill health and, in the evenings, when I am exhausted, she sits in front of the telly and drinks spirits to numb her pain. This, in turn, makes me feel very angry and resentful. I withdraw to another room and read or listen to music. She often tells me that she feels bored but, when I make the effort of organising an outing, she feels too anxious and disinterested to enjoy the activity. She hardly ever accompanies me on the weekly shopping or on my daily walks. This evening I felt my ability to cope was being stretched to breaking point. I told her that I felt she could, at least, show some interest in me, to demonstrate she still cared. She told me she loved me but was trying to hold it together and so had little capacity left to show me appreciation. I am afraid I responded badly and said I wanted to get out, to be free again and able to live a full life. Now I regret having said this and more and feel terribly guilty. But, truthfully, I am desperately in need of conversation, feedback, appreciation, understanding, in other words, true partnership. Will I really be able to go on indefinitely without joint holidays, enjoyable outings, stimulating friends or simply doing things together? My partner’s doctor is suggesting Deep Brain Stimulation as a possible way forward as everything else has failed. She now worries about this and her anxiety is getting even worse. I dread to think that this situation could go on indefinitely, with no end in sight. And I am aware of the statistics, the chances of suicide are high. So, what do I do? For better or worse, in sickness and in health…promises, so easily made but so hard to keep.

Patti 22 Sep 2011 @ 7:17 am

I’ve read these posts and most I can completely agree with – I’ve been living with depression for over 15 years and There are so many times I fall back into a very depressive mood – sometimes day’s or weeks, because of things others have said or done in the name of “helping” While I appreciate my mom’s general “Chin up” I just wish she would realize that is not what I need at the moment – a hug, and time to myself would work far batter. Many people don’t realize how difficult life can be as a single mother of 3 sons…. Add depression – medicated even – and life’s hurdles can feel not only difficult, but impossible as well. I try to take my prosac on a regular basis, but on those day’s and weeks things are going well…. It’s hard to remember how much I need them (and my counselor God bless her wonderful soul) On day’s I’m down…. those are the day’s I DONT forget them because I know logically the feelings I’m experiencing are likely overblown, out of proportion etc and I know that the meds are there for me for a reason. So, I take them and feel better. When I’m in those down times – that’s when Mom reminds me to take them but I’m already doing that! It’s when I’m in a “Good” place – the times I forget I have depression – that’s when I need to be reminded. Today is a good day. I’ve had a run of good days for the past few weeks, and realized today that I’ve missed 7 days pills in the past 3 weeks…. It’s going to affect me negatively, I know but all I can do now is take my meds as prescribed and hope the “down” time passes quickly (tho it never does – insomnia sucks!) Anyway, I’ve really appreciated many of the comments on here, and for those of you who care for someone with depression – your friendship, love and compassion shown during difficult times means far more that you can ever imagine.

Michel 23 Sep 2011 @ 4:30 am

Jackie, I also blame my husband alot for my depression like he does to you but i donot tell him. I am aware that I am depressed and I respect that it is not his fault yet in my head i do feel it. The problem I see is that he needs more of your time. He is missing affection and although you might not see that, its true. You also need that. Working all day means bringing home the ham but not happiness. It is clear he needs medical attention asap. His illness can be very scary and progresses fast. Things will get very ugly if you guys donot put a stop to this. If it means seeing a therapist of just getting him the medication something here must be done. Now remember you are a human being who deserves respect and so does your daughter. If you feel it had come to it end then see a therapist even alone and see what she recomends. You are not alone jackie. Many of us here are either depressed, or living with a depressed one. Donot be scared. There is a soolution.

Charles 30 Sep 2011 @ 12:48 pm

I had to take my wife to the emergency room today because her depression was getting worse. She got out of bed and cut off her long beautiful hair and threw it in the trash. I guess that’s when I lost it because I felt that I was losing my wife at that point. She made me promise her that I wouldn’t hospitalize her, but I felt I had no choice because I was afraid she was going to hurt herself and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I feel so guilty that I had to betray her and I’m finding it difficult to justify it to myself, although her therapist had advised me to do it. I feel like she is going to hate me and I may loose my wife, which is second to her life, but I can’t stop thinking about it and how my little 5 year old girl will feel. I can’t take the thought of my little girl growing up in a broken family and how that would change her life.

I am also angry, sad, hurt and lonely. I just want my wife back and I just need her to be the beautiful person and mother that she is again.

Thank you for your posts.

Flea 3 Oct 2011 @ 2:39 pm

It’s comforting to know you’re not alone in feeling guilty or feeling like everything you do is wrong when it comes to supporting a loved one with depression. My sister, whose 24 now, has had depression since she was a teenager. We are only 11 months apart in age so we grew up together and we are very close. We were brought up the same, parents divorced when we are young; we’ve moved far away from our home and had to start a new life somewhere else. Both of us were raised by parents who love and care for us dearly and would do anything for our happiness. But with the same experiences and lives, we are like night and day. She is incredibly shy, quiet and very introverted and I’m the complete opposite. She is extremely smart and intelligent; I mean you have to be to teach Algebra 2 to high school students. She has such a great potential to be a brilliant educator to these students. And this disease is taking away that potential.

I’m so angry with this disease which has taken my joyful sister away from me. And I find it so hard not to be angry with her, for not fighting it hard enough. Because I feel she gives into it. Our 22 year old brother has Autism. He likes things his way and if he doesn’t get his way, he will have a tantrum. It’s not his fault because he doesn’t know any other way to communicate how he feels, and lately my sister has little to no patience with him. And out of everyone until this point, she has had the best relationship with him. And to me this is a big indication that something is different this time around. I feel the worse can happen easily.

I love my sister but I’m at the point of emotional and mental exhaustion. It may sound selfish but I have my own personal struggles at the moment and I’m feeling guilty for it. I feel as if I have to be the strong and happy one 24-7. I am the middle child of 4 and I’m kind of the glue who keeps everything together. I’m planning on moving to a different state by next March for career purposes. And I am terrified about what might happen to my sister when I leave. So when is it ok, to stop feeling guilty for wanting to live your life and not be held back by a loved one’s disease? How do I handle this separation?

Dena Self 13 Oct 2011 @ 10:18 am

I have been reading all the comments on this page and my heart goes out to all. I too, am combating a grown daughter who has recently been diagnosed with major depression. Most likely she has suffered with this disease since her early teens. What brought it on? Who knows. I certainly don’t. I know she has always struggled with relationships since a small child. Just could never “keep” a friend. She will be 37 shortly and has a non verbal autistic 12 year old child with other developmental delays . We also discovered he had type I diabetes 2 year ago. I have him 50% of the time and know she cannot take care of him unless I am involved. She says she cannot give him showers or brush his teeth if he refuses and that he gets up in the night and she cannot get him back to sleep. I don’t have these problems. He pinches and pulls her hair yet I don’t have these problems to the extent she does. Do you feel that she cannot take care of her child because of this disease? She receives his SSI and gets in home support for supposedly taking care of him. I really feel I would be watching him all the time if she didn’t receive money as that is her only income. She lives with a total verbal abuser both to her and to her son. I can’t understand. As her mother and grandmother of the child I don’t know what to do. I tell her to have her son drink from a cup; sit on the toilet etc. because I do when he is here. She only says, “What are you trying to do? Make it hard on me?” I just want my grandson to be able to grow into a young man! Oh what do I do?

Frosa 20 Oct 2011 @ 11:38 pm

Ohhh wow! Somewhere I can finally talk openly about our problem dealing with a person with many problems. She is my sister almost 40 years old now with a 11 months old son and pregnant again! She has not been diagnosed with any illness as she was never able to reach someone professionally to talk about her problems. She was always running from one country to another, leaving jobs after arguing with someone, and always asking money from my pensioner parents. Today she lives to a shed with no electricity or water asking money and food from the church in North Greece. The people there are asking my parents to take her home but how , we have no money to support private counselling and my parents are old and really don’t know how to deal with her in their own house. I live in London and just don’t know how to help what to do, I am worried soooo much about my little nephew, he state but will soon be worried for both my parents that they old and with their own health problems. Can someone help with I am advise , I am just so stack .Thank you!!

Australia2405 1 Nov 2011 @ 10:54 pm

I have lived with my wife for 24 years she has been the reason for me to continue my journey in life.She gave me three beautiful daughters and for the last 12 years She has being suffering from depression I mean severe depression,She tried threee times to kill herself and my daughters found her lying on the floor now my 23 years old daughter suffer from same illness and she also tried to kill herself.For me is have been too much to handle lately I have being caring for all of them but now I ran out of hope and energy to continue this battle. I just want every to know that the love for my wife always is gonna be a special one.I learnt to love with her she showed me how to care for others and Ill never forget the day I met her she meant the whole world to me but this time im overwhelmed with all this I just pray every day to God to give me strength and wisdom to take the right decision in my life. Whoever is going through this I want you to know that no matter what keep helping them until you had enough and you cant continue anymore caring for others and forgetting about yourselves.

Help 9 Nov 2011 @ 12:11 am

Hi,

My husbandof past 8 years has suddenly gone into emotional detachment. At times I can see and urge from his side to get back to normal but then again he forces himself into negative thoughts. He is verbally abusive and bitter. I tried talking and listening but that did not help. Its been 1 month and I have no clue whether this is depression or self pity or merely his stubborness. He blames me for every wrong in his life. What can I do?

Colin 12 Nov 2011 @ 1:21 am

Right now I’m going through a severe depression.
It started this Wednesday.
I don’t know why or how, just suddenly I felt uncomfortable or insecure while I was at my office desk. And didn’t want to face people or show face in public places. I haven’t had such feeling for quite a long time. The last time I suffered this depression is this earlier this June when I was turned down by a girl. But before that, I also got depressed often, always no exact reason and need a very long time to recover from it. Currently, I can’t think clearly or remember vividly. I can’t even understand people or communicate with them. I’m depressed even when I’m with my best friends.
And the thing is I’m in China. Here people don’t think of this as an illness. People say it’s just kind of bad mood or even personality shortcomings. There’re quite few professional doctors in this mental disorder area here and the expenditure for personal cure is very very expensive. I have been to a big hospital in my hometown a few years ago, the doctor didn’t even pay attention to what I had to say and just asked me to buy quite a lot medicine.
Even my families do not understand me. Especially my sister who thinks I’m just being lazy and stupid. Every time I tried to explain the state of my mind to her, she shouted to me and laughed at me. And when I tell my mom that I don’t feel normal and depressed, she’d be very angry and criticized me. Since I can’t talk to my friends about this, I have to stand all this all by myself.
I think I must be a very little poor pathetic person to my colleagues.
And I don’t know how to walk out of this unexpected and serious depression.
Right now I can’t remember, think clearly and can’t communicate with people like normal people do. It’s been very painful…
What should I do to get rid of this mental disorder?
Should I get a book for this?
Please help me.

Jessica 16 Nov 2011 @ 12:06 pm

Hello everyone I’m going through depression :-( I’m a 25 year old woman and been through a lot. I got married at 16 and divorced at 22 my ex husband use to beat me and cheat I walked in on him and another woman :-( that pain hurt so bad ! I’m now dating a man who says he’s depressed his gram past 1 year ago and he hasn’t gotten over it and in the mean time he pushes me away. We hit rock bottom he says he don’t have those feelings for be and the drive to want to make me happy ! We haven’t had sex in 2.5 months he’s 31! He says some hurt full tjhingd like I’m annoying when I try to tell him he hurting me :-( he don’t want to here it he says stuff my feelings and that he’s going through a lot and don’t care bout what I’m going through when he’s the cause of it! I don’t know what to do I’m beautiful Im a fitness model and no I can get anyone I want but I can’t seem to shake this guy:( he says he lost those feelings for me and not sure he will get them back ! It hurts to know this please tell me what you think thanks god bless

Iain 20 Nov 2011 @ 4:37 am

Another fantastic series of posts! Having depression is difficult enough but I can image how hard it must be for someone close to someone with this condition if they do not know how to help (because of course, they will!).

I wrote a Squidoo lens recently on how to Beat Depression http://www.squidoo.com/coping-resources-for-depression

Thanks

Iain

joy parekh 20 Nov 2011 @ 10:48 am

to help those person who are suffer depression you all don’t need to do anything just give them a advice to do meditation half an hour in a day he or she can get rid out of depression in a couple of month believe me friends its a best treatment to get rid out of depression quickly in the majority of the person who suffers depression by the causes of fear , lack of confidence, worst past and loneliness, so its my advice to to meditation regularly to get your confidence back.give unconditional love to your past.. to the all the persons to whom you have ever met before and. enjoy the happy and healthy life….

chris 23 Nov 2011 @ 6:38 am

my girlfriend found out she is on the wrong meds. now she just got a good doc and new meds. she has been so wishy washy and we have been off and on. i love her and we used to be great together . my question is once she gets the meds in her system and she gets her blood work done will we go back to the same happy couple or is it going to be like now when she is unsure and not sure im the right one when she never used to feel this way????

Derek 27 Nov 2011 @ 4:40 pm

Many thanks for all the comments.

Where is the line between being a helpful supportive person to… being an enabler?

Would appreciate your comments
Love to all

hopee 29 Nov 2011 @ 12:39 am

worried sister
,I am so stuck with a problem. We are 4 (one brother and 3 sisters).We have lost our parents one after the other .My mother died of cancer 6years ago. My parents gave us many things but did not teach how to take a stand for Self Respect. We were not to say any thing to any elder either from my mother’s or father’s family for the wrong they did to us physically or especially mentally. It was they who brought about serious inferiority complexes in our life one way or the other.

This problem actually relates to my youngest sister A. Just because of some unavoidable reasons such as bad attitudes of relatives and friends etc. She has developed a serious inferiority complex cum depression. As they all said that she is not beautiful at all. Bye the way she has now completed L.L.B., but all the way she had n has this problem.
The inferiority complex about her looks extends to superiority complex in a certain way too as you know it is the process. For the last six years she had a very bad relation with us, her only three caring elders in the whole world initially she used to say that she is not like us which grows into a situation that she refused to talk to us. Especially she is very very hateful towards me.

On the other side we love her so much. We take care of her; provide her the things as possible under our means. Even we do shopping for her as she refused to go any where (and if she go she has only complains) cook food. Whatever we can do to show that we love her.

I tried my level best to make up the situation but she even doesn’t want to see my face while we are living together.
For the last 4 years I made countless attempts to make up with her but she did not moved.
She has made ridiculous objection over my personality. For example, why I used to wear lipstick. She even tries to make my character scandalous without any reasons.
She refused to do any thing, literally she stayed idle. She doesn’t want to meet any one. She is not happy at all, but very stubborn and disrespectful even towards her only three blood relations in the entire world.
I know you would suggest a psychiatrist. But understand my problem. She doesn’t even talk to us what to listen us and go to a psychiatrist.
And of course how can I forgot back in 2000,when she was a little more cute girl towards me I took her to the renowned psychiatrist Haroon Rashid. One of his assistant see her and she (psychologist) made the sitation more worse(in those days my mother was alive and A had some respect for us)
The problems turns into a monstrous situation. I don’t know how to solve it. My mind is empty I cannot think anymore. We as a family of four are completely Paralyzed.
Please do some thing. I cannot see her self destruction.
What to do?
Worried sister. please reply me at my e mail as early as possible.

Anna 30 Nov 2011 @ 9:23 pm

Hello hopee,

You are in a really complex and difficult situation, and you have my full sympathy. Have you discussed this in depth with your other siblings? It sounds like you all need to agree on a plan and stick to it. I can see that your sister is not willing to see a mental health professional. However, I think it may be good for you to see one, so that you can get some help for your stress levels and some specific advice on what would work with helping your sister. Looking after yourself will help you look after your sister better. Getting some professional advice could make all the difference. I hope this helps.

michaela 5 Dec 2011 @ 6:47 pm

Hi there I suffer with depression. I’m a lot like most of what you said above, my fiance is at breaking point with me for the way I am I don’t want to lose him, could u please send me leaflets about how to care for a person with depression I really want him to see my point.of view b4 its to late and I lose him. Also I do not take my citolapram 20mg (think I do not know how to spell it correctly) as I have a young child to look after and they make me drowsy I want to get better but how can I if I can’t take my medication?? Please help me on both my problems thank u sooo much xx.

angela 10 Dec 2011 @ 3:42 am

Cheryl, I am the one that is depressed and suicidal. I can tell you from experience that is is not a selfishness when someone wants to commit suicide. I’m not talking about the depression from, ‘oh, my parents yelled at me a few times’. I;m talking about repeated chronic episodes in life whether physical or mental or both that take away your soul. It sounds as your brother has had some of these. It’s hard to explain the overwhelming crippling feelings of anguish, anger, frustration, depression, etc., etc., etc. It is the soul and spirit dying. I don’t have any answers for you but just trying to explain where your brother may be coming from. I have no answers myself and just keep having to endure this daily minute by minute second by second. It’s no way to live but the only way I have so I have to endure it, I have no choice and that is how your brother probably feels, too…..

Caireen Taylor 14 Dec 2011 @ 10:52 am

Hi can someone please give me advice what to do my son I’s 19 he has completely lost his confidence has no friends and won’t go out of the house Ive got him to go to a therapist but he always ends up not wanting to see them I’ve tried to get him to go to the gym and I said I would go with him but he has made excuses not to go he’s so good looking tall but hates himself and says people look at him when he goes out and just wants to be invicible I’m scared to go out as I am single and would love to have a life but scared to leave him as somedays he threatens suicide
I’m such a positive happy person but as sometimes he punches doors and kicks things I don’t know what to do I’m so exhausted by it all I just don’t know where else to turn it’s like living with a monster and other days he’s laughing and joking it’s a rollercoster of a life,

LEE 20 Dec 2011 @ 11:58 am

I found the biggest problem solver. My son would forget to takes his meds all the time. This would start to spiral out of control. We bought a MED-Q Pill box. The dialy box lights up and beeps at the time he set. It’s been great. He never forgets any more. It costs less than 40 dollars but has been PRICELESS. Google MEDQ Piiibox

Lee

SM 5 Jan 2012 @ 11:00 pm

I am at the end of my tether. My partner or 23 years wa ssexually abused a s child and has been very possesive and jealous of men for the last 3 years since he was attacked when on holiday. He says that it brought it all back to him.

Anyway within the last year he has been getting worse and more paranoid about many things (even our daughter has no freedom because he thinks she may get attacked. I can’t go out for a walk on my own because he thinks something will happen to me.
Because this caused so many problems n our relajtionship he said he would get help and start with reporting the man who abused him. After having to give statements to the police his behavour got even worse and I think he has depression. The mental health unit that he has been taken to each time say he has an alcohol problem and they see no sign of depression.

He has tried to commit suicide at least 5 times, sometimes when on his own and I have either found him, my 11 year old daughter found him unconscious with tablets lying around so I know it has been serious.

His moods can go up and down. Some days he is on top of the world and has all these great plans other days he thinks everybody hates him, he is worthless, he has a very bad temper and has smashed up furniture, windows and items in the house, cups etc. Anything that is special to me I am afraid to put it on display and have several items packed away so they can’t get broken.

He does drink a lot and thinks it makes him feel better even thought I have tried to explain its only temporary. As soon as he gets drunk he can either be in a really good mood or bad depending how his day has went. One wrong remark from me can start him off. He can be really nasty to me at times and very verbally abusive

He hates crowds and going out in public at the moment and when help is suggested to boost his confidence he uses the excuse that he can’t go into rooms with people in them as he would feel stupid. He has worked for most of his life and is in no way stupid having had a few good jobs in his lifetime. If I go places with him he isn’t too bad but I have a business and this is suffering because he demands I shut my shop as he doesn’t want to be alone. Obviously the business is suffering but I am selfish and only care about my shop and not him even though this is getting us into debt and rent arrears

jay 11 Jan 2012 @ 12:37 am

27year old women got depression.These symptoms she had:
1.lack of sleep
2.anger
3.too much of worsen words talking
anger times
4.she knows art very well(she is not doing anything)
5.she is not affectionate even husband and kid

heather 14 Jan 2012 @ 3:18 am

I am glad I found this article with all of these posts from caregivers as well as those suffering from depression. I grew up with a father who suffered (still does) from depression. I remember always wondering how my mom was dealing with it. I always said if I was with someone like that there is no way I could deal with it. but guess what…now I am married to someone who suffers from an extreme bipolar disorder and I am trying to deal with it…now I see where my mom was coming from not wanting to give up and putting up with the horrible things because she truly loved my dad. This is one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I dont feel like I am doing a good job! We have been married 6 months now…here lately things have been so bad…I cant tell you how many times he has threatened to leave and divorce me and then two days later “he would never leave me, because I am the best thing ever”. He says meaner things to me than anyone ever has my entire life….it hurts…I try to tell myself that it is the bipolar coming thru and that he loves me but it is very hard to do…this last 2weeks he has been off one of his meds for depression…they have been awful he goes off on me if I say anything at all…wont talk to me…makes me feel like I mean nothing…I try to tell him he really needs to get his meds but he doesnt think he really needs them. I truly love my husband ofcourse thats why I married him…I just dont know what to do anymore. I am a good person and feel like I deserve love and to be emotionally supported to but we are too busy catering to his moods I’ve just given up on my feelings and am just trying to find a way to make our marriage work. The comments on here have started to help me have a little insight…it helps to know that this is common…and not just my husband “hating” me…but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with. Im going to finish reading comments and will continue to check this site. I saw the wqebsite that was posted for help and plan on researching it also.

Faith Dwyer 24 Jan 2012 @ 12:55 pm

What about when it’s a Major Depressive Disorder WITH
psychosis. After 6 months of trying to deal with the psychosis I found it entirely too difficult, and, in fact, dangerous. I live with a HUGE amount of guilt for not being able to deal with it and sending the love of my life back to the town of his origin all alone and more depressed than ever. I wish we’d never hooked up. i feel like i’ve caused him even MORE pain than he ever deserved in his life.

ash 29 Jan 2012 @ 9:22 pm

I don’t even eat right anymore at al. also I’m bipolar I wass once told Ihad a.d.d ontop of that borderline personalty disorder. wow am crazy? help me I sometimes like now feel ashamed. he’s so quiet I annoy him I feel lol I talk a lot. lol ill be talkn to him and he wont hear me. I just wannabe alone a lot or sleep. I don’t want to take medication…the lady precribed me lithium ahh I’m very/ extremly tired right now. your gonna laugh at me but ohwell only reason I’m up is because I spent along time tonight slowly reading and listening to quite a few of u. I feel I belong here.. ;-( u seem to describe me. I do have. my good days but I cant keep the good days I’m very moody at times god plz help me. I seem to name call

ash 29 Jan 2012 @ 10:16 pm

we been together 7 yrs.

Cameron 3 Feb 2012 @ 3:49 pm

My girlfriend struggles with depression and it kills me to see the pain she is going through…. I find myself in tears almost daily now… my one goal in life is to see her happy again, and for her to find peace in God again. I will never give up on her. I will fight this disease and satan until my heart stops beating and they bury me in the ground!

Maya 15 Feb 2012 @ 9:14 pm

My mom has been depressed for years. All of the symptoms sound exactly like her. I don’t know what to do. I think I have been doing everything wrong. She says she feels hollow inside, that there is no point or purpose to her life, and that she has no energy for anything. She says she doesn’t know what to hold onto and that there seems to be no hope…and that she just has to “get back up a d keep going.”

When and how should I suggest “getting help?” what does that even mean? When do change from saying that the circumstamces of your life are hard to saying that maybe you should see a doctor? Isnt it kind of like saying that “normal” people could handle this but you can’t because you’re depressed? I don’t want to hurt her. My mom doesn’t really believe in taking medicine; she doesn’t even like taking Advil when she has a headache.

I am so sad for her. And I’m tired. And I feel like a giant failure.

nik 17 Feb 2012 @ 7:24 am

there is a girl who is 23yr old and listining everybody but not talking……….but when somebody ask/tell her she only says “what is”

is it sign of depression?

has somebody symptom of this problem?
please tell me as soon as possible and
how you overcome from this problem?

Judy 21 Feb 2012 @ 6:16 pm

Thank you for the interesting article.
I have been having great difficulty the past few months. I just can’t seem to pick myself up from this dark hole I’m in.
14 months ago I had a little boy born without the left side of his heart called HLHS he has undergone 2 open heart surgeries and several other procedures.
The year before that I was in a horrible abusive relationship. I left the relationship when my special son was born and went through this pretty much by myself. My 16 year old daughter was there to help me when she could. I was jobless and homeless.
I was given a apartment from a racehorse trainer and after Noah got out of the hospital I worked when I could for the trainer.
I never had time to stop!
I met a wonderful man, we recently moved in together.
Then it just hit me. He just pushes and pushes and gives me ultimatums. I tell him I don’t know what is wrong. I try to open up when I can only for it to be not good enough and I just don’t snap out of things as he thinks I should.
I am growing to resent him for this. Every day it is these huge talks and just so stressful. I just want to scream.
Iam in the process of getting help. My I just feel like I’m going to explode. I just want to run away from it all sometimes. No one seems to understand And I don’t know how to fix it.
Thank you for letting me talk.

Claudia 4 Oct 2012 @ 6:20 am

Hi everyone,

My fiance has had what appeared to be a very sudden bout of depression. He has been dealing with alcohol issues since he was fourteen, and he said he used to be depressed before we were together. Long story short, I am away with family, and before I left he told me he no longer loved me and that he wanted to call off the engagement. We went to couples counselling and he started his antidepressants, but they seemed to make things worse. He would only feel numb. Now that I’m away, he’s skipped meetings with the psychologist, thrown out his medication and started to drink and cheat on me to ‘feel something’ and ‘stop feeling numb.’ I want to help him – I KNOW this is not who he really is, but it is so hard when he says he doesn’t want to be with me, doesn’t miss me, and might have feelings for a coworker (which were never there before the depression). Please help – I want help him but it’s so hard when he doesn’t even want me around. He doesn’t have any friends that are willing to not encourage him to drink and perpetuate the situation. I feel such a weight to take care of him because nobody else will and because I need to save him from this. I know it will be a long journey but I just want him to take the first steps… He has now stopped drinking and sleeping around but I hope he can hold out until I get back home in a week. But then I need to find somewhere else to live and get back to uni… Please help!