How to Help Someone with Depression

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1. Dawn 13 Aug 2007 @ 7:00 pm

   One of the most painful things when I was depressed was being in a situation that I would have really enjoyed before I became sick and realizing that I could no longer enjoy it. Not sure how this directly translates into ways to support someone who is depressed, but I think that this is something that is hard to understand if you haven’t been there (i.e., I definitely didn’t want to hear “BUT why don’t you want to go? You used to love this!” or “What’s your problem? This is your favorite!” That definitely always made a bad situation worse.
   Trying new things did help a lot — I actually found a few forms of exercise that I liked (including yoga!).
   Everyone’s depression is different, so this might not be a universal sentiment. Nonetheless, it’s definitely how I felt. I’ve found it really helpful to interact with others who’ve faced depression and read their stories at http://www.experienceproject.com/group_profile.php?g=109 (see my website link). The best way to not feel alone is to correspond with someone who does know just how you feel. And there’s always someone who does!

2. Ways to Insult Someone with Depression | Finding Optimism 13 Aug 2007 @ 11:18 pm

   [...] Here is a list of the best things to say! [...]

3. PK 15 Aug 2007 @ 11:24 am

   Usually the best thing to say is say nothing. Keep your mouth shut.

   Sometimes the depression hits hard (even when medicated) for no apparent reason and there are no words in the World that will change the situation.

   The best move here is keep tabs on the person so no suicide idealisms come to the surface.
   If that’s not likely (or clearly noticeable) then just let it be.

   Sooner or later the person will come out of this depressive mood.

   Anger might be present, so potential harm is possible to the person or to others.

   At this point one should start talking. The main point is not let the anger take over completely. Try to defuse the anger if possible.

   That can be possibly achieved by the “good words”. If not, call 911. You are not capable of doing nothing more than you already did and that is NOT a shame unless your words triggered the anger. Then, my fried, you are an Idiot.
   At this point you better leave the place specially when other people is present to watch over the anger.

   True, some observations made by people that have no idea of what depression is can make the situation unbearable for the depressed person.

   Trying “good words” is valid but not always result in a mood change as fast as we would like to see.

   It all depends how “deep” the person is in the depressive mood.

   If suicide, anger, are not a factor, then the best is keep your mouth shut, wait patiently for the person “climb” out of that mood.

   And yes, the person can ‘climb” out on his/her own. It may take hours, it may take days.

   Also do not feel sorry for the depressed person and do not let the sorry, if present in you be seen by the depressed person. That won’t help either.

   BTW, I’m no M.D. I speak from my on experience dealing with my own depressive mood.

4. Christine 18 Aug 2007 @ 11:17 am

   I agree with PK. I absolutely hate to be molly-coddled…or felt sorry for during a serious depressive episode. I would prefer no attention drawn to my episode.

5. Ericka 21 Aug 2007 @ 3:24 am

   I went through a deep depression that lasted a few years. Finally a friend said two things to me,
   ‘If your car was running slowly, eating up gas, not performing, not starting, would you take it personally or take it to the shop?’
   And, my favorite, ‘Imagine your little sister going through what you’re going through now, what advice would you give her?
   The natural answer in my head was ‘why would I want better for her than myself?

6. Carnival of Positive Thinking 26 Aug 2007 @ 2:27 pm

   [...] Bishop presents Things to Say to Someone With Depression posted at Finding Optimism, saying, “Suggestions of things to say to a depressed person, that [...]

7. Amy 26 Aug 2007 @ 10:03 pm

   Thanks for starting a conversation about this. So many people think you can just snap out of depression. They don’t understand this is a disease. You can’t tell a diabetic to snap out of it and eat a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Same thing with depression. People need to talk about depression so more people understand what it is. And yes – support is HUGE. I hate to think what would have happened to me without friends and family around me as hard as my depression was for them.

8. The Personal Development Carnival, September 2, 2007 Edition | Personal Development for the Book Smart 2 Sep 2007 @ 11:44 am

   [...] Bishop presents Things to Say to Someone With Depression posted at Finding [...]

9. Caroline 6 Sep 2007 @ 12:19 pm

   Please do not make the depressed person feel that their depression is a burden on you. Their inability to “snap out of it” or at least to hide it and knowing it is hurting you exacerbates the depression. Even if you don’t say it, they can figure out that they are a burden to you. Find some support to help you handle it that does not involved the depressed individual.

10. Mary Harrow 6 Sep 2007 @ 4:47 pm

    As someone who has struggled with depression and also speaking as a friend to a depressed person; I find some of the best advice is to listen, listen, listen and then listen some more. If that person isn’t ready to talk then sometimes saying nothing IS the best thing. You could take a walk; and just walk. And always remember that part of being a friend and caring about someone it being there for them; even when you don’t necessarily feel like it. You will not always agree with decisions or choices that others make but part of being a friend is supporting them through those choices.

11. lora stillwell 17 Sep 2007 @ 9:54 am

    A lot of these replies are from depressed people, not from their caregivers. I have been a caregiver for nine years now. The person concerned will not take their meds, has been constantly angry, unable to work and so on. I cannot begin to describe how exhausting and debilitating this is. Depression has been called a ‘contagious’ illness and I can see why. The problem with how to help someone with depression is that you are not dealing with THEM – you are dealing with the mask that their illness provokes. Depression can seem like an incredibly selfish illness – particularly when there are only two of you in the household and there is no one to share the burden of care. What’s the answer? I wish I knew. The illness itself often prevents the person from getting the treatment they need and you, and they, are caught up in a vicious circle. No words can help when the depression is deep. When the anger accompanies it, its even worse. Like dealing with Atzheimers, I feel that the person I knew is long gone – surfacing once in a while to remind me of what they once were. Please can we hear from more caregivers on this site? This is a frustrating, sad, lonely role. L, Vt

12. Yen 19 Sep 2007 @ 5:16 pm

    As someone who has had to cope with bipolar disorder (primarily with major depression) since childhood, I can understand the feelings and frustrations that are common to depressed people. And as a caregiver to someone who also has bipolar disorder and many physical problems as a consequence of a nearly-successful suicide attempt ten years ago, I also understand from that angle. Depression has to be one of the most challenging problems that can confront a person and their loved ones. At times anything the patient cannot say or even think of anything positive, and the carers may feel that they cannot do or say anything that makes a positive difference. At these times regular contact with the members of a support group that is specifically concerned with these situations is VITAL!! I have had major help from the Depressive and Bipolar Support Alliance, and recommend that every concerned person get in touch with them and attend group sessions. Tell your esperience, ask questions, and listen to suggestions from those who have been where you are now.

13. Diana 28 Sep 2007 @ 9:19 pm

    This is wonderful. Sometimes even the most well meaning people don’t quite how to support a depressed person and would value from this information.

14. Laurie 1 Oct 2007 @ 3:22 pm

    I recently had surgery and have a small scar. A good friend asked if I was treating it with vitamin e to help it go away, and my response was no (thinking to myself why would I do that? What do I care? I don’t take care of myself anymore. Don’t excercise, poor sleeping habits, etc). But then she said “why not?” and I thought, she’s absolutely right! Why not? Take care of yourself! So I’ve been doing more of that, and it really helps. I also had a doctor tell me I had to watch the news, which I thought was crazy at the time, but he was right. It helps get me out of my head.

15. Josie 3 Oct 2007 @ 3:00 pm

    For myself, depression hit at puberty and is a daily fact of life. The “leave me alone” factor is so strong that sometimes hearing the positive phrases you mention (We’re in this together, I’m not gonna leave you, etc), while endearing, can induce strong guilt feelings. “Gee, this person is hitching themselves to a lead weight” “I’m gonna drag them down, this isn’t fair of them to do this.” “They are going to be mad at me when they fail to cheer me up.” are all thoughts I’ve had when friends and family have vowed to stick by me. Sometimes it hurts to be reassured that you’re not alone.

    The thing is, each depressed person is, before anything else, an individual. No two cases of depression are the same. What works for one will damage another, and there are no hard and fast rules for how to do it right. For me, when help is offered it usually amplifies the depression; for others it could be exactly the right thing. If you’re dealing with a depressive, you probably already know them. If you’re thinking how to help someone with depression, then tailor your approach to what you know of your friend/family member/co-worker.

    Possibly you can even ask them, on a less-depressed day (if they have one) what they find most comforting and what well-meaning actions are hurtful to them specifically. Perhaps they won’t answer; perhaps they will deny that anything helps. I had someone in my life who fought my depression tooth and claw; which made it soooo much worse. I didn’t know how to tell him that, and eventually it got so bad that I had to send him away permanently. He wasn’t able to understand that being helpful wasn’t helpful.

    I’d certainly never claim that this is true of most depressed people; I’ve only ever been myself, after all. My main point is to look at each case individually. If someone offered to take a walk with me, I’d be deeply hurt because I have a very bad back and anyone expecting a walk to make me feel better really would make things worse. For someone else, a walk could be great, get them outdoors, fresh air, grass, trees… life all around. It’s different for everyone, and the best thing I think a caregiver of a depressive can do is get to know the person as well as you can before you start trying to fix things.

    Because you can’t often “fix” things. Depression isn’t something that gets cured. It’s something you learn to live with through coping techniques and medications and lots of patience.

    In addition to dealing with my own depression, it runs in my family. My mother, two aunts, several cousin, grandfather, etc… People try to deny that illness in general can have a genetic factor, and they also don’t like to admit that depression is an illness at all. In my experience, it seems so self-evident. Again, as others here have said, an understanding of the facts about the disease (dis-ease, not at ease, an incredibly appropriate term for depression when you think about it) itself are vital to helping someone cope with it. Learn the general facts, learn the specific facts of the case you’re dealing with, and customize an approach to fit the situation at hand.

16. Amy 5 Jan 2008 @ 7:41 pm

    Laurie,
    I’m glad you found something that helped you. But in my case (and it has been many years since I was depressed) I found that *not* watching the news was helpful because the news tended to reinforce my view of the world as a cold and violent place.
    I think it’s important not to give the depressed person the idea that you’re trying to change him. He needs to know he is loved just as he is.

17. cassy 10 Jan 2008 @ 10:06 am

    People may say things about you but it’s never really true. I’ve been there i had friends that thought was friends but they made lies about me. ALL i’m saying is never stike out because your afraid.

18. cassy 10 Jan 2008 @ 10:07 am

    THANK YOU

19. Fruitloops67 20 Jan 2008 @ 2:01 am

    I have been depressed for over half of my life. It has caused countless situations and losses in my life. Mainly relationships.

    I would tell someone who knows someone who is depressed to ask them to a movie, a long walk with a picnic. Discuss their situation and ask them what you can do to help them. Then give them an alternative view that is unlike the one they have. Some things are better if a friend throws you a curve ball and gives you a differnet perpective than you already have. It takes people to get involved and help the depressed one to pull them up by their shoelaces..someone once told me..tie a knot in the rope and hold on when life is swinging you.

    I think most people who are depressed are pessimistic. There are changes that need to take place…goals to set and try to achieve. Groups who need volunteers…ect..

    Depression is a Killer. It will lead to Suicidal thoughts and actions.

    It comes from being idle. You have to fight it just like you fight Cancer.

20. G A 5 Mar 2008 @ 3:20 pm

    hi, been reading all your letters,wow!gave me a real eye opener. my friend has depression been addmitted into hospital and released with meds,home a couple of wks then decided she wasn’t depressed and is still now in denial and thats coming up for a year now and still no meds and still in denial, we ARE best friends but she doesn’t see it that way just now, i understand and i’m fine about it, i want to help her with everything i have inside me but sometimes i want to walk away my life would be so much easier and stress free, but i know who she is behind this mask she wears, she’s alive and well she’s the total opposite of the person thats infront of me today, help me please with what to say to help she wont talk about it at all

21. A N 9 Mar 2008 @ 12:39 pm

    I dont usualy leave comments on sites
    but depression is something i know well
    and i felt i should leave a couple something

    im 15
    started experiencing depression since i was 12
    badly
    the worst came when i was 14 though
    i ended up on meds and a visit for stitches
    but now im all better =]
    support and help that i hadnt before really helped
    but the reason i hadnt had help and support before was because id never said anything
    i kept everything to myself and things got worse
    which shows that telling someone is the best way to go if you suffer from depression
    its not something you should battle on your own
    because more than likely you wont win without reinforcement

    I would like to thank my brother
    even though he may never read this
    but he is and was always there for me
    and im there for him and he knows that

    Goodluck to all in there battles in life

22. TH 17 Mar 2008 @ 3:23 am

    I came to this site to find out what to say and what not to say to someone who is depressed. It was interesting reading the different stories ppl have shared in relation to their illness.
    I thank the person who wrote in as a caregiver. I too am a caregiver and live with my partner. It is draining…so draining. and all i seem to do is make the situations worse. I try to help, try to take his mind off things, wake him up in the morning, encourage him to get work. But i feel like i can’t do it anymore. I have a very important year coming up and i feel like he would benefit so much more with me as a friend. would love to hear someone else’s opinion; from a caregivers persepective especially.
    TH

23. G 18 Mar 2008 @ 8:30 am

    I had my first real depressive “breakdown” at 22, and finally got hospitalized at 25 (when enduring all the horrible physical effects of depression, such as not being able to eat, not being able to get up, cramps, etc.), after numerous attempts to find the right shrink.

    It was at the clinic that I realized I had had the depression in milder forms for probably about 10 years already.
    Ignorance about one’s own problems usually wards off the help of others, because one believes one is in a normal state of mind. (If you don’t know about your depression and it isn’t all that severe, then you start adapting to the alleged fact that this is simply what life feels like. Add a few people who give you the “shit happens, c’est la vie” -stuff, and you’re stuck in that mindset.)

    But also, it made me realize that most people are bad at detecting depressions and mental disorders; they are inclined to think that either one has a bad day or that one’s character is of a more “grouchy” kind of nature. The latter is the worst I’ve had to endure in terms of the social effects of a depression – being assigned the role of the asshole, coward, loser, lost thinker…you name it. While I agree that everyone seems to have specific personal experiences with their depression, this really being harrassed (or at least, the subjective perception thereof) seems to constitute a very general feature of a depression, and it HAS to be communicated to the ones around you that this is the very least you need.

    Depression is sometimes viewed from a more positive angle: it startles your reflection on important life issues, your own mistakes and those of friends and relatives; changes your perspective on the value of the little things in life; makes you reconsider whether your friends are really good company for you.
    My own experience is that this may sometimes be a fruitful attempt at looking at one’s illness, yet it is exactly during (cyclical upswings of) depression that one can’t and shouldn’t change one’s life all that drastically. Moreover, being told by the ones around you that “life can be so great” almost certainly undermines your self-respect because one usually takes these sentences to be directed against your lifestyle and the burden you impose on others. (Needless to say a depression blocks any real kind of lifestyle to begin with.)

    I am writing this because I feel it is paramount to stress the need for communication – among the depressed, but even more between the depressed and the caregivers. In my case, hardly anyone ever took note of the gravity of my situation – someone who always seemed to be so successful in such different areas of life. We usually don’t know much about each other, whether or not we are ill…
    As a remedy for the illness, apart from the right medication and a well-trained and experienced (!) therapist, there is nothing like a few people who really seem to love you and want to find out who you are, so you can “reconstitute yourself” (it really starts becoming a philosophical problem after a while.). So long as they avoid the pitfalls (above.)

24. Allyson 8 Apr 2008 @ 11:12 am

    Is it ever too late to do something? I didn’t have any help when my fiancée and I first started dating. I did all of the wrong things, and he finally said he needed space and left and decided to take a week away from me. That was the point that I realized that I didn’t know anything about the disease living in my home. Is it too late to do something? What can I do for him right now?

25. john 20 May 2008 @ 12:55 pm

    “Depression is a Killer. It will lead to Suicidal thoughts and actions.

    It comes from being idle.”

    This is soooo true. I would hazard a guess that 90% of depressed people lead the very definition of a sedentary lifestyle which means zero physical exercise, zero mental exercise or both. They get up and go to work… and that’s it.

    No social practice and no physical practice – eventually, the body and mind wear down to the brink of exaustion = critically bored with life.

    If I didn’t have a family: I would have flipped this world and this existence the bird LOOOOONG ago.

    I’ve seen a multitude of individual posts on this site that tote drugs as the ‘only’ true answer for someone who is clinically depressed.

    If one who is severely depressed well understands the effects of various mind altering drugs on the brain…. how can a DR. honestly expect this person (who already admits to him/herself that there is a chemical imbalance in their body) to injest such substances in their right mind?

    Fromgodknowswhere-X is MORE safe than the garbage they’re putting in depressed peoples mouths (I would haphazard a guess).

    I lost site with this post as I’m rambling now.

26. john 20 May 2008 @ 12:56 pm

    sight…. I’m not ‘that’ bad at spelling

27. peter 20 Jun 2008 @ 5:25 am

    who do you know if someone is depressed?
    What are the symptoms?

    My father says he had depression and he couldnt get out of his bed in the morning etc/
    My wife who I think has depression is able to get out of bed and focus on her job and our son only. I am told that being able to focus on your job and that alone is enough, anything more than that and they shut down.
    My wife has no labido, breaks down in into tears frequently, is always tired and exhausted. She works, goes to her parents house (she lives with them t the moment as they do everything for her), sees to our son, does work in preparation for the next day and then goes to bed early as she is exhausted.
    We have a son aged 19 months. All my wife thinks about is her work and our son. Nothing else and nothing else comes in the way of this. Yet when I can get her to go out to a gig or the park, she is a different person, like the old person I knew.
    She frequently tells me shes feeling low, shattered, exhausted, fed up, nothing to wear, getting old (aged 36), grey hair, lines on face, doesn’t believe she is beautiful and yet I have told her this for x10 years. She lives in a cacoon where she goes to bed early and alone and curls up in the corner of the bed.
    Now she wont let me see my son more than x1 night per week and it has to be at my parents and not back in our own house. Sometimes to look at her she is like a blank canvas and its as if the real person has been stolen from me.
    What can I do?
    She suffered from depression at the age of 19 and was put on beta blockers then by the Dr.
    She is on thyroxine now but is it the correct level?
    One minute shell phone me up crying that she needs help and she cant do something, and the next shell text me clinically back to her old cold self.

    help!

28. james 21 Jun 2008 @ 9:30 pm

    Anna has replied to this comment privately but please contribute if you would like to.

29. A..R. 22 Jun 2008 @ 4:29 pm

    The most dificult thing of being depress is when your couple does not care if you are or not

30. sh 23 Jun 2008 @ 12:41 am

    Ooooh this has been interesting reading. I love all the shareing of experiences. I have been a wife, exwife,carer and friend to a person suffering depression for the last 12 years (diagnosed) and i feel the pain and saddness of you all. What helps? All this,everything helps. Knowing there are heeps of people surviving, loving and striving for life and love. My strength is to support the children we have brought into this world who deserve all the knowledge of depression available. As adults its difficult to understand children seem to get it so lats teach them who knows what they can inturn teach us.
    Stength and optimism to you all

31. sue 23 Jun 2008 @ 5:32 am

    Peter hang in there read everything you can just remember it is the illness not your wife look after yourself and your son when you can as you are of the best support if you stay strong
    be patient understanding loving non judgmental all those other really positive attributes
    Good luck to you all

32. blanche 19 Jul 2008 @ 6:21 pm

    - /
    tomato, tomato, John. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. In my case, my prescription medicine has save my life. I’m also fortunate to have a significant other who has learned to practice most of the items in the post.

33. blanche 19 Jul 2008 @ 6:22 pm

    Ok, tomato, toMAHto

34. Marissa 29 Jul 2008 @ 9:35 pm

    I know. I am always depressed. The worst, though, is when someone acually wants to talk about it, when I finish saying something, they start talking about how they feel…It makes me think I can’t trust them.

35. A.J. 16 Aug 2008 @ 9:38 pm

    An excellent list. It’s very important for the friends and family of depressed persons to be aware of the ‘What Not to Say’ side of things just as much as this list, because in a depressed state, the most insignificant comments can ruin a person’s day.

    To everyone sharing their stories here, thank you, and keep holding on. Caregivers especially, I applaud you and your efforts.

36. Ali 29 Aug 2008 @ 9:53 am

    I am so heartened with the comments of the caregivers. I plan to print them and hand them to the depressed person I live with. Maybe it will help them see the damage they inflicte on the lives of the people they claim to love.

    It would be so helpful to hear from other caregivers who have solutions for keeping their sanity and joy in life. In many ways I have come to look at myslef as the, “home health care worker”. who just lives here. Maybe the question should be, “How do you live with a depressed person and not sink into the mire yourself? and at what point do you decide that you are worth living a life where there is not a constant drain on your spirit?” I’m not sure that anyone should be asked to surrender their inner spirit because someone else feels that sadness is the happiest way to be..

37. Bianka 31 Aug 2008 @ 1:54 am

    To the comment above me – I can not believe someone actually wrote that… that is the coldest thing I have ever heard.
    I found this site very helpful, I am currently going through a crazy time with my boyfriend who is for the past few months and especially weeks completely depressed. I always was aware of depression but I never had it hit this close to home and I have to say that before tonight I don’t think I knew what was really going on. I’ve been reading sites with depression information for the past 2 hours and everything is connecting. All the comments he makes and things he does and says that I took personally and cried over I see is the illness not the real him. I like the quote “don’t confuse the person with the illness” and that’s gotta be hard. We’re both young [20 years old] and we’ve been together for 2 years and up until tonight all I’ve thought about was how I can help him and what I can do for him but some of the caregiver paragraphs aren’t very encouraging. I feel strong right now and all I want to do is help my boyfriend but reading some of the sad stories of caregivers with depressed wives/husbands I’m scared that I won’t always be this strong. I guess I have a lot to think about so thank you everyone for posting, I wasn’t planning on saying anything but as I kept reading comments more and more things got clearer for me and I’m hoping someone reading this will realize something they didn’t know before too. If nothing else, you are not alone. I feel it’s important for a caregiver to hear that too.

38. Jane 8 Sep 2008 @ 4:53 pm

    In terms of Ali’s response above, I can vouch for how painful it is for the people closest to the one suffering from depression. It is a helpless feeling. Yes, her post was cold, but also understandable. I recommend a book by Anne Sheffield entitled “Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond”. She talks about a partner approach to healing, but also about how to set boundaries to preserve your own sanity, as the caregiver. Bianka, you sound like you are in this for the long haul and, having lived with a depressed husband for nearly 19 years, I can tell you it is not easy. Love is often a choice, an effort…but with both medical treatment and counseling, we are still together and will overcome.

39. Carl-Eric Dupuis 22 Sep 2008 @ 5:58 pm

    Listen, comprehend, support. Be the leg up they need but let them get on dont try and force them.

    And for the depressed, 3 words. Scream. It. Out. It doesnt solve anything, but i get a kick from it, might not work for everyone but i at least get a little inner peace.

40. priya 3 Oct 2008 @ 8:15 am

    i would say don’t judge support thats all.

41. phil 30 Oct 2008 @ 1:07 pm

    Re What to say to a depressed person… a reply aimed at caregivers.

    I feel sorry for the caregivers to my depressed brothers and sisters. Their plight is horrible, in my opinion, if they have lost their sense of individuality.
    In my opinion, I’ve been a poor caregiver to an ex-partner who is an alcoholic, (who has untreated alcoholism and depression) because I thought it was my job to make the person better. When the relationship ended in domestic violence, I had a breakdown. Through counselling and complimentary therapy I discovered that I hadn’t been taking care of myself: my dietary, social and exercise parts of my life had been neglected. More importantly, I had lost my identity as a person, because I was so wrapped up in the emotional, physical and psychological dramas of the alcoholic/depressive/angry behaviour. I’ve been treated for major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder ever since, although I feel that I have suffered depression from puberty. My caregiver (new) partner is also a depressed person, which I think ironically, is a good thing – we have the potential to understand each other, although there are times when we are both too ill to support each other. I am being cared for and I care for my depressed partner.

    I feel the suggestions given above are excellent guidelines for ways to communicate with depressed people, and as other commenters have said, I would agree that we have to listen to our depressed family and friends to find out how to help them if they want our help. The last paragraph in 4. Offer to Help , is the best advice for a carer, in my opinion.
    “…don’t let it totally consume YOUR life.”
    Most importantly for carers, I feel it is essential that they have enough time for themselves, that they get respite, have a outside life and maintain their sense of individuality. That way, they can be fit to help someone else.

    All the best

42. sassy 22 Nov 2008 @ 9:33 pm

    i have depression for the first time at age 41. not sure if it’s hormonal, preceeding empty nest, life, etc. it feels like everything. i think people live too long anyway. i am scared what i am going to do with life if i live another 30 years. it terrifies me. i think i have had mild depression 2 other times in my life. once at age 23 and again at age 31 or so, milestones of change, first year marriage, second when kids entered school first time now, them going off. i can’ t find any hobbies that i stick with or jobs that interest me enough t o get up for. my husband works so not a problem with that but i need things to fill my days and i feel SO LOST and BORED. everyone works and seems to have a life. strange. I don’t have severe depression but was told now i am bipolar. possible true my brother commited suicide at age 40 so maybe that is the age we tend to lose our minds in my family. my mom and sisters also have mental issues but not severe. mom is ocd sisters is moody and other sister is AdHD and depressive. Life is just weird.

43. Annie Bankss 27 Nov 2008 @ 4:11 am

    I think this articles is quite sensible. Caretakers need to be educated and counselled about the way they will be handling the depressed people. It is very difficult for a normal person who has not gone under depression to know how it feels. I have read many comments above given by depressed people I am sure it will be a good advice for other care takers as it has directly come from themouth of people who are depressed.

    Annie Bankss

44. Katie 4 Dec 2008 @ 3:10 pm

    How would you approached a loved one that has depression but will not admit it? I have noticed my other half to tick a lot of boxes suggesting he has depression however he is so irritable about his moods that I do not know how to advise him to go and see someone. We have talked a lot in the past about his moods and he has trouble pin pointing where his negative thoughts root from. I feel if i tell him that I think he is depressed he will take offense, he is a very proud person and likes to have a persona of a person in controll. I also think he may be verging on OCD is this a common symptom?

45. james 4 Dec 2008 @ 11:57 pm

    Thanks for the comment.

    I am not qualified to give you professional advice. I am not sure what is the best way to bring it up, but maybe you could use the word “feelings” rather than mood. It’s always good to put things as a question rather than a statement as this is less confronting. Maybe say something like, “Remember we discussed how you are feeling in the past? How do you feel about going to the doctor together so we can get some advice?”

    It’s very difficult, I know to talk to your partner. Make sure you pick a good time to do it. Maybe he will be relieved that you are taking the initiative in getting help. I hope it goes well.

46. Sarah 23 Dec 2008 @ 2:54 pm

    To be honest I never thought I’d write on one of these internet blogs but I’m having a very hard time today so here I am…. my partner is extremely plagued my depression and refuses to get any help. For example as of right now he’s been in bed for 20 hours and wont get up. It makes me so sad and helpless I just dont know what to do but I feel I cant talk to anyone about it as he would get upset with me. He wont talk to any friends at all anymore, doesnt work, wont see his family… and then what makes it worse is I cant admit to any of this and have to come up with excuses and I just dont know what to do anymore.. and to make it worse when he does go around his family, which is a big accomplishment for him, they just rag on him for not being around more and yell at me for “not making him”… ATTENTION FAMILY MEMBERS OF DEPRESSED PEOPLE!—-get off your ignorant self serving high horses!!!

47. Vicki 6 Jan 2009 @ 3:48 am

    I have been reading these posts and have had to print them to read when I get home (as I am now at work). I am struggling to know how to help my partner who is suffering severe depression. He is emotionally abusive towards me and I know it is the depression and not him. I love him but he is no longer accepting my love. After five years he has just told me I am better off without him and has pushed me away. Am I supposed to accept this and leave him alone – like his family have done? He now drinks every night and only leaves the house to buy food, alcohol or go to work. He spends all his time in front of the TV and this pains me to know this. Does he really want me to leave him alone? I don’t know. We used to hold each other for hours but now he won’t even accept a hug from me. I want to force him to accept my hug, but is this the right thing to do? I am now scared of saying the wrong thing.

48. annie 7 Jan 2009 @ 1:52 am

    I’ve had depression all my life. I hate to say a bad parent who says you are no good when your growing up can increase this problem, at least for me and have alot of anger inside because of that. I’ve been on alot of meds and like to be alone, always afraid of people hurting me by what they might say. What works for me is by helping others who are less fortunate than me and takes the me away and thinking about someone else-maybe that might help someone out there-thanks, annie

49. TygaIye 7 Jan 2009 @ 3:00 pm

    Iam a caregiver. I have been honing my caregiving skills since I was a child. First my mother then in most of the people I have been in relationships with. I just recently found out my partner suffers from depression and has a mother who is bi polar. Depression affects more people than you can imagine. All the advice I have read is very helpful and I can look back and see the mistakes I made caregiving. I will try to be a better caregiver this time around. Love is the only motivator I have for taken on this again. Sometimes I wonder will I ever be with someone that is not suffering or is everone suffering.

50. Vicki 7 Jan 2009 @ 8:53 pm

    I have been reading the information on this site over and over. I feel like i am failing at careing for my partner. Yesterday I arrived home from work to find him sitting at home having been drinking all day (he had taken the day off work). He didnt want to talk to me or let me touch him. He told me we wanted me to leave and return to my family (I have moved a long way to be with him and if I return home I may never see him again). He said asking me to move to be with him was a mistake and it would be easier for him if I left (which would mean he would have no one in his life). Said it would be better for everyone if he died in his sleep. I felt helpless and could’t help him. How can I leave someone I love to suffer and destroy their life? My health is suffering also, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make things worse for him but I don’t want to leave him alone – he has no friends and he does not speak to his family (who do not beleive in depression). I’m using this site to vent. As I have no one to vent to. I have exhausted my friends and I know it hurts my mum if I cry to her – she wants me to leave him for my own health. I am ow at work holding back the tears. Wondering what he is doing to himself. He is a good man, he can be funny, warm and makes me feel safe – we have had good times together and had planned a future together. I don’t see him as weak or mean (as my friends who don’t understand what he is going through do – of course their words will never stop me from loving him).
    Thank you to the people who organise this site. It helps to be able to vent and read advice and read the posts of others feeling the same emotions. Also good to hear from those suffering from depression as it helps to have an insight as to what he is feeling.
    Thanks again.

51. sammi 19 Jan 2009 @ 9:43 am

    to vicki above. i am going thro the same thing. my hubby and i were so in love, but over the last months he changed into this unloving person i didnt recognise. i kept loving him but got no return. he lost interest in everythin, just sat smoking staring at tv all night. i could feel him slippin thro my fingers but couldnt stop it happenin. he suddenly packed on new years day n left. he now says he wants a single life, living alone without me in it. he says really hurtful things that make me cry and i find this hard to accept as he never had a nasty streak. i dont speak, text or ring him cos he doesnt want me to, he says he needs space. i hurt and think abut him 24/7. my hubby left the house and died that day. now a stranger lives in his body…but i wont give up, i cant.

52. liz 21 Jan 2009 @ 9:23 am

    my fiance’ had a terrible year last year. He’s 22, and still lives at home. Family is important to him. Last year he found out his dad was cheating with someone he now lives with, his mother filed for divorce. He also lost a long standing trial for a malpractice suit he filed against a doctor that misdiagnosed him years ago. He’s been sad and lonely all year. I’ve tried going places with him and taking him new places. We’ve been together since I was sixteen and I’ll be 21 next month. Today is our 4 year anniversary, but yesterday he told me he needed a break. He’s depressed and he finally admits it. I knew he was depressed a long time ago, and I often encouraged him to speak to his mom’s psychiatrist; she is also depressed. I’m hurt and lonely, and most of all scared. I’m scared that things will never go back to being the same way, and that he’ll never want to be with me again. I want to help him, but he doesn’t want to talk to me. He knows I’m hurt and he says he wants to get help so that he doesn’t hurt me or himself anymore. He hasn’t been eating, and he’s been hardly drinking anything, and he never gets more than a few hours of sleep. I love him sooo much, but I don’t know how I should help him. Do I let him slip away and try to help himself? or do I not back down and try to be there for him even though he said he wants to be alone?

53. sammi 21 Jan 2009 @ 3:13 pm

    liz i feel the same as you. i’m scared that at the end of this he wont want to be with me again. its just a waiting game that we have to play to see if we win or loose. my husband wont speak to me either and thats so very hard. he has told me to leave him alone so i respect his wishes. its been a week now with no contact. i feel like i’m the one person who can help him thro this and he wont let me. i hae thinking of him going thro this alone, i just wanna go to where he is and cuddle him so tight and tell him i love him..but i cant, he needs space.
    he knows where i am when and if he needs me again.

54. liz 26 Jan 2009 @ 8:11 am

    Sammi, Chris told me yesterday that the reason he can’t be with me is because he pushed me away. He said that instead of being 110% in love with me he’s only maybe 40%. But I found out he’s been spending time a neighbor girl, he says he can talk to her because her mom was depressed. He can’t talk to me because his feelings are too personal to be shared with someone he was so close to. I’m trying to help him, but the big problem was that when he and i first started dating she wanted him, and he knew that. I’m just afraid he’ll turn to her instead of me, and then fall in love with her.
    I feel the same way about chris. I feel like I’m the only one who can help him through it too, but I can’t leave him alone. I call him to make sure he’s ok, and I quit telling him I love him when I say goodbye. I told him when he’s ready and if he’s ready to love me again. I”ll be here because no matter what he does I’ll always love him.

55. sammi 26 Jan 2009 @ 2:54 pm

    Liz,
    my husband also has turned to another woman 4 comfort. i did accuse him of havin an affair with her but he insists she’s just someone he can talk to in confidence, which could be very true as he can speak to women easier then men, so i have to give him the benifit of the doubt. i spoke to him on the phone last night. he’s still soundin arrogant and nasty altho he is still willing to give it two months to sort his head out. he says he gets sometimes when he does miss me and thinks he should return home, but he still needs time with minimum contact. i told him i love him and he said i know u do..i said do u love me and he said a little bit. it really hurts to have been so in love at one time only to be told he dont know if he loves me anymore. keep in touch liz, think we can help each other. chin up sweetie (altho sayin that makes no difference as i well know) :-)

56. liz 27 Jan 2009 @ 8:48 am

    sammi,
    Chris and I also had a similar conversation yesterday. I asked him if he ever thought he would be in love with me again and he said that in order to love me more he needs to start missing me. He needs to realize what he’s missing in his life by not being with me. I truly feel for you. I hope we can help one another through this. I feel like it’s starting to make me depressed and I know that can’t happen.

57. sammi 28 Jan 2009 @ 7:50 am

    two days later and he’s changed his mind AGAIN. now he doesnt love me anymore, doesnt want to try and is gonna see a solicitor. i begged him to think again but he’s adamant. he chops and changes his mind all the time, i dont know whats going on. i dont even know if he’ll see a solicitor or if thats just the ilness talking to get a reaction from me. he admits he often says things to get a reaction.
    i was starting to sort myself out agin but now i’m rock bottom. just spent all day crying. there is no logical explanation for how the love of my life has turned into this person i dont know anymore.

58. Paul 31 Jan 2009 @ 2:46 pm

    It seems to be mostly ladies here, but I’m going post from a male caregiver perspective.
    Sometimes depression can be imposed from the outside by events. Case in point, my wife of over 30 years. Three years ago our son was murdered. There is nothing worse for a parent to have one of their children taken from them in this was. We both became depressed. I’ve managed to learn to live with it and have basically climbed out of the hole I was in. My wife on the other hand has not for the most part been able to do that. She has a family history of depression, both her Mother and only Sister suffer from it. So I suppose she was prone to it all along, but kept it fairly well hidden. She has see a doctor for it and was prescribed anti-depressants, whicgh she now refuses to take because she says “I don’t need them” and “they are too expensive”. Now even little things drive her over the edge. She’ beat the dog the other day while I was gone because he got into the cat food and ate it. She yells and screams at her grandson just because he does things that a 4-year-old does. Living with her is like walking through a mine field. Miss the land mines and it OK. Step on one, and the anger boils to the surface. I’ve asked her why she’s so angry and all she will say is “I don’t know”.
    Now yesterday she went to buy some new jeans for a trip we are planning. She got home, put them on and they were to small. She flew off the handle, burned rubber down the street, and returned them. Since that time she has refused to eat, talk to me, or do anything except sit in front of the TV. She even refused to go with me last night on our weekly date with some close freinds. I went but was forced to make excuses for her.
    I guess I’m a care giver, or perhaps I’m an enabler, maybe a little of both, but I must tell you that there is nothing more stressful than living with a spouce who has this condition.

59. liz 3 Feb 2009 @ 7:44 am

    Sammi,
    As much as I loved Chris, Im done with him. He cheated on me and lied to me. He hurt me so much and says he doesn’t know what he wants. I can’t be with someone who would sleep with someone else and say its because they were confused and depressed. To me there’s no excuse. He put on his aol status that he’s falling for a girl and no one is gonna stop him and then he put her initials. I can’t anymore. I give up.

60. nikoh 12 Feb 2009 @ 5:58 am

    Thank you so much for the information. Im dealing with a boyfriend suffering from bipolar disorder for 11 years now… and there are times that im losing patience with his behavior and i feel that his depressive mood is being triggered by the way i act. Now i know how to deal with him. Thanks!

61. sammi 13 Feb 2009 @ 7:08 am

    Liz,
    I am so sorry, honestly i am. how could he cheat on you? its not fair to you his depresion as an excuse. i know how much you loved him and that you must be dying inside. i’m here for you if you need me x

62. Amber 19 Feb 2009 @ 2:24 am

    I have found all this information so very helpful, I am the carer for my 22 year old twin sister, Who has spent most of her life depressed But as of the past months slipped into a very severe depression, She is on a series of meds, But some days I just feel so defeated, all I want is My sister back, Sometimes I feel like I just cant take it, watching her waste away and not want to get out of bed and I would get angry and always wonder why she just couldn’t” snap out of it”, But reading your info I realized I was wrong, So now I will do my best to give her the proper care she needs, yes someday I just want to have a “normal” life, But then I realize that this is my sister and she is ill, and I am determined to not give up and hope my strength will give her strength. To all the carers out there, keep your head up, some days are worse then others, and remember that REAL friends and GOOD family will be there for you too.

63. Dottie 24 Feb 2009 @ 11:27 pm

    My husband is currently experiencing Mid Life Crisis depression. He has been verbally abusive to me intermittently for 25 years and I’ve built up a wall, not ever knowing when the next verbal backlash will come. He’s always worked hard and been a good provider and we’ve raised two wonderful productive kids. We’ve never had a friendship though. It’s been more of a business arrangement. In the past, I could not trust him at all with my feelings. If ever I was vunerable, or let my guard down, I left myself wide open for attack. Now, at age 52, he is pitiful and pathetic as he has lost interest in literally everything, is self loathing, wants to stay in bed and has no interest in anything at all. But what he does want is for me to pay attention to him and hug him and talk to and/or encourage him. I am trying to do this, but resenting him at the same time for all the years he was an unnecessary ars to me and I put up with it, mostly for the kids sake. Now, he’s reaching out to me for sympathy, which being a nurse is not that difficult, but this chip on my shoulder is a definite problem.

64. Dani 26 Feb 2009 @ 9:50 pm

    In response to Dotti and several other cargivers on this forum, I hear you. I understand its not easy for the depressive or the caregiver, I offer all the support the world could give him, he has the most loving parents and family anyone could ask for. But when you have that feeling of being taken for granted for your money, your lisence, your responsibility for getting up and going to work and you have to be his alarm clock, and you cook for him when he’s hungry and before even trying it throws an insult at a perfectly good meal, it tends to take its toll as well. Just last night we got back from a social gathering, nice dinner with friends, a few drinks, I asked him if I could go home because we both had work the next day and it was already dawning on 1am. One thing led to another and I find myself cowering in the feetal position in the shower because he’s just thrown a full bottle of multi purpose cleaner at me at lighting speed. How, as a caregiver, how long do you put up with the physical and verbal abuse when the depressive himself is not willing to listen or accept any form of help at all? I’m only 19, I moved from one side of the country to the other to be with him, and this is what I get? I love him! God knows I love him! Everyone says, just leave him…. WHY would I do that?! How could I just walk away from such a vicious and harsh disease that has taken over his beautiful and loving personality? I know its there, we’ve been so happy these last few weeks, then like a light switch, SNAP! And I nearly end up calling the police on him and an ambulance for myself. What do you do in these situations when personal safety is at steak?

65. james 27 Feb 2009 @ 8:02 pm

    Anna has sent a reply offline, but please continue to post helpful comments.

66. Shine 2 Mar 2009 @ 12:47 am

    Two simple, similar answers to two tough, different problems:

    To Dottie: you overcome your fear of facing this hard truth, and talk to your “business partner” about what you feel your relationship really is, how it prevents you from giving him sincere attention, and how you both can work together to change it. Good or bad, whatever it leads to, so be it because it will be what needs to happen. Not doing so will ultimately destroy you in the form of health problems due to the relentless stress.

    To Dani: you overcome your fear of facing this hard truth, and talk to your guy about how his abusive behavior makes you feel, that it can’t continue, depression or not, and how you both can work together to change it. Good or bad, whatever it leads to, so be it because it will be what needs to happen. Not doing so will ultimately lead to either you getting seriously injured (or worse), or the relentless stress will ruin your life. You’re way too young to be in this trap.

    Bottom line people, if you and your significant others can’t explore the farthest depths of your problems in a productive, positive way, then a deep, loving relationship you do not have.

    (Sorry this had nothing to do with dealing with depressive mates, but Dottie and Dani’s posts seemed to reach out more for relationship help.)

67. S 2 Mar 2009 @ 10:00 am

    I suffered from severe depression from the time I was about 15 to when I was 32. It was about feeling lonely, not being to relate to anyone, feeling judged everytime I told someone I needed help. It’s hard to make friends when you are depressed.

    When I met my husband, he listened and didn’t judge and accepted my situation. He just listened and didn’t walk away the way dozens of people before him had. He let me tell him the whole story. His friendship helped me get out of the very dark spot.

68. Jenny 2 Mar 2009 @ 7:02 pm

    My boyfriend is 18 years old and when ever we have a disagreement he always ends up sad and blames himself. He says things like “nobody cares about me.” “i’m stupid.” “I hate myself.” I don’t want to be like this.” I try to help but this keeps happening.

    Can someone give advice to make him feel better about himself?

69. jay 9 Mar 2009 @ 10:30 am

    first time on site, like the comments. ever since i lost my wife many years ago (i blame myself for her death ) , i have been suffering from various degrees of depression. sometime I come out of it and the sometimes it takes a long time to come out. Many nights I go to bed and start thinking that I dont want any friends and that noboby loves me even though I know that I do have a few friends. I did try dating once but I didnt like it becouse of my age (past 60 ) The reason why I dont like dating is because I dont want to get involved with someone and then that if that person dies , I dont know if I can go through that again. The reason that I blame myself for my wifes death is that secretly I was haveing and affair with someone else (not physically but only in my mind) I gues you can call it fantsizing. So because of all of the past happenings I have become what some people call a hermit. There are many times that I just dont want any friends or people in my life. I cant go to any doctors because I dont have any money or job. After reading some of the comments from other people I can concur with them also about my symptoms. I watch too much televison and like to sleep a lot I try to exercise when I feel like it. I do eat ok I guess that this about all I have to say right now. Thanks for listening to me I feel a little better that I said what I said. Oh by the way I did talk to a minister at one time and He said that I need to get involved with a support group. Might be hard to do that since I have no transportation.

70. Shirley Johnson 16 Mar 2009 @ 10:54 am

    I have been reading about all the people with deppression and can understand because I have had it all of my life. My first real bad spell was when I was twelve.Back then (I’m 58 now) no one new what was wrong with me including myself.I shut myself in my room for three years and would not come out . I have struggled with It to varying degrees over the years and have tried to kill myself more than once.I am on medication which helps some of the time but not always. The worst part has been the lack of understanding from my family and all my friends but one.I do understand how hard it is on the other people in my life but I don’t know what I can do . I just wish people would not be so judgemental and could still love me . I have been living alone for a long time now because I don’t feel anyone would stay with me for long and not end up leaving me so I won’t let myself love again.I see a psychiatrist and a therapist but I don’t know if things will ever be much better for me , because who will ever accept my illness and want to be with me anyway?

71. Peggy 22 Mar 2009 @ 2:06 pm

    What heart felt responses at this site. I am 48 and have been battling severe depression for the last 10 years. It has cost me much in life and as sick as I am of this demon it still seems to be such a close call every day as to who is winning. It has cost me my marriage – my ex-husband just couldn’t understand. His response to my pain was always “get over it” and “it’s just in your head”. Just what always helps right?!?! He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t communicate and just kept telling me to get help. I hope you read this Shirley Johnson, I would love to communicate with you. I feel your pain and feel the same as you. Depression has cost me so much in my life and I want and need help to beat this demon. I think we could help each other. I have bookmarked this page and I hope you have too.

72. Jen 23 Mar 2009 @ 11:14 am

    I would like to be the caregiver but my boyfriend of nearly 7 years keeps pushing me away and thinks therapy wouldn’t help…he wants to figure out on his own how to deal with his depression. he wants me to move on but I’ve been persistent at keeping our relationship going, barely, for the past two years. I’m not getting the love I need and it’s hard not feel rejected. It’s getting harder to keep trying at what’s left of “us”.

    I want to protect myself and my sanity, but I fear letting him go. I worry that without love and support he’ll get worse.

    I was wondering what the consensus of this discussion group would be: do you let the depressive retreat from you if that’s what they want?

73. Shine 1 Apr 2009 @ 2:40 pm

    Jen, have you thought about a compromise? What if you two agreed to separate for a short time and reconvene to see if feelings have changed? Perhaps he can have contact with you in case he needs to reach out during the break?

    When I read your post, I had three thoughts: 1) boyfriend of 7 years… no further commitment in sight? Was this ever an issue? 2) if he really wanted to break up, is using his depression a comfortable way for him to do it? Does he solve other problems in his life the same way, shutting himself away from them? 3) Do you smother him in your efforts to help, not leaving him enough room to try his ways to deal with it?

    I wish I could be more definitive in answering your last question, but it’s hard to know without knowing more, and from both sides. Hope any of this helps.

74. daisy 1 May 2009 @ 11:05 am

    I just found this forum while looking for advice on caring for a depressed parent. My father nursed his dad through death, and now 5 years later has done the same thing for his mother. He’s devoted the last seven years of his life to his parents and virtually neglected all other aspects including work, dating, and living on his own. What he has done is noble, but I also think it was an escape from his own reality of a failed business. He’s always equated career success with self worth and wants to leave a legacy for people, planet and family. He’s in his sixties now, and I worry about a full-on depression taking hold now that his preoccupation (parental care) is gone. I don’t want him to throw away what time he has left. I want to see him once again embrace life. He’s very proud and I could never get him to formal therapy. Does any one have advice on how to gently nudge him back out into the world? He is gregarious when he wants to be, an amazing cook, teacher, and formerly fearless entrepreneur. He’s been retreating for too long. I want my dad back.

75. seeker 5 May 2009 @ 12:23 pm

    My husband is back in the depths of depresion – in the well I can not understand because I don’t suffer, thank goodness, from clinical depression. We got some news that we’d really been hoping would be different and about which he’d maybe gotten his hopes up for. He drinks when he feels utterly hopeless now, (today was an episode) and I don’t know how to help one or both of us. When we were married the first time he drank (self-medicated) most of the time (we were married for 4 years, divorced for 11 and have been remarried for just over 2) and finally, we needed to not be together as my compassion meter was not yet installed. Most days now, I manage to step on the side of compassion but admit my reactions are not always supportive. The short of it is I struggle too – especially with our recent news – and get frustrated. He doesn’t work outside our home these days and as the primary caregiver and breadwinner, I am at a loss. He doesn’t believe the meds or therapy help and can’t find the way out. He often talks of suicide meaningfully and I just don’t know if going to the ER would actually help – if they would admit him or help in any way. How to keep life moving…

76. An observer 8 May 2009 @ 4:41 pm

    Reading through many of these posts, an interesting thing can be observed: not too many people are helping others, not too many are consistent with the title of this forum: Things to Say to Someone With Depression. A whole lotta one thing going on: “me me me.” So here’s my Thing to Say: maybe you’re mired in depression because you think too much about yourself, take yourself too seriously, make everything in life about you. Try thinking about others, helping others, and not making everything about you you you.

    Don’t like this piece of optimistic, helpful (albeit blunt) advice? Is it because you think helping someone else will somehow put them ahead of you in the game of life? Try it, and you’ll be surprised.

77. Dom 11 May 2009 @ 5:43 am

    My girlfriend has been going through depression for the past few years. We have been dating for 6 years since we were 16 years old. She keeps telling me that she doesn’t have friends, don’t look good, don’t know how to dress, and that everyone hates her. She doesn’t want to do anything and have no goals in life. She said she would want something in the future but she doesn’t want to work for it. Recently, we have been quarelling alot and she is becoming a little overbearing and easily angered. I really love her so much and don’t want her to be sad all her life. I want her to be happy again. So please, if anyone can help. Please give me advice on how to get her out of depression. Please.

78. Tom 12 May 2009 @ 11:49 am

    I have found this page and comments so helpful and really glad I found it now. I have so much respect for the carers. I’m getting to know someone who suffers from depression and find it difficult to know how to be a good friend to them, how much more difficult it must be for you. You are truly an amazing bunch of people!

79. Azuree 27 May 2009 @ 4:53 am

    When someone speaks of suicide – that is a cry for help. Forget about phony responses, and Get them professional help!
    Unless you are a trained professional – get them the help they need. If your loved one were seriously hurt physically, you wouldn’t hessitate to get them help. People who speak of suicide, especially often are desperate, and feel hopeless. Don’t try to be a hero, just call 911 if necessary.

80. seth 8 Jun 2009 @ 4:29 am

    So if I am to understand what everyone is saying, we (the people who are not in “depression”), should walk on egg shells around the depressed person. We should be very careful not to say anything that might possibly upset them because then we will make their problem worse. Does anyone see the lack of accountability here. Just like children, people will continue to do what gives them the kind of attention they seek (In this case, pity). I come from a place where being depressed is not optional and when you fall down, you take some time to dust yourself off, but then you get back up and keep going. I don’t say this to offend anyone. I think if more people thought of it this way and realized that they are in control of their mental state, we would have a lot less pills circulating.

81. Oxnardi 10 Jun 2009 @ 4:45 am

    No. I’ll not play into another’s self imposed victim status. Snap the hell out of it, go help someone with worse problems than your own. See a doctor about meds, but don’t expect me to baby you.

82. Kylie 13 Jun 2009 @ 12:17 am

    Spent ages reading all the blogs and figured it was the best place to get some advice!! My boyfriend of 6 months has been ‘absent’ for the last 2 months. By absent I mean absolutely no contact apart from a few days a couple of weeks ago when he came out of his shell. My only contact is with his Mom and I know this absences covers his family, kids, ex-wife, work. I don’t want to make it about me although I have spent many hours wondering what I have done and if it’s his way of telling me we are over. I know that’s not the case and feel particularly heartened reading the blogs from carers and sufferers alike. Any advice what to do? Its fine if you have contact to say/do all the right things but what if your contact just becomes one sided? The sentbox on my phone looks like some secret diary!! I miss him and I want him back, his Mom said the same this morning when she called me in tears and threatened to disown him!! How do you get someone to ask/seek help when they block everyone and everything out? How pushy should you be??

83. Scott M. Bruner 16 Jun 2009 @ 6:20 am

    I’m amazed at the number of comments here from people who say things like “I’ll not help your self-victim status,” or “stop thinking about yourself” or…on the ‘things not to say’ someone said depression is just being weak.

    The whole, people are worse off than you, so stop being depressed – does nothing but feed depression. I KNOW! I had to quit the Peace Corps in a country where people are insanely poor to come back and spent hundreds of dollars a week in therapy/psych bills to battle it.

    The guilt, though, isn’t going to help, nor is being angry at yourself for “being weak.” Those of us on depression already hate ourselves enough – we don’t need you to add things onto the self pity/loath fest we put ourselves through. If you really want to help us commit suicide, though, this is an excellent approach – knowing that OTHER PEOPLE THINK THE SAME THINGS WE THINK ABOUT OURSELVES if the fastest, most effective way for us to give up.

    So, put a cork in it, if you’ve never suffered from this. Seriously. There’s people on here going through – for whatever reason – something you don’t, and can’t, comprehend. I don’t know what it is, but I imagine there is some link between depression and the first world society most of us live in, a disconnect, a lack of connection with out worlds, I don’t know. What I do know, though, is that it’s real, tangible, and people that suffer from depression need real help, and often professional solutions.

    I can’t read, get up, exercist, be a good fiancee, work, understand, sympathize, or even relate to the world these days. The biggest problem with depression is that…you just don’t see the point in getting better.

    I am lucky enough to have great friends who neither insult me, nor condescend to me, but know that the best treatment for me is to find the people who can truly help me. Hopefully, in time, it will.

    much love to all the people on here who suffer from depression. don’t stop believing.

84. Sasha 16 Jun 2009 @ 9:10 am

    My advice to people trying to help others with depression: save yourselves. You have to have the patience of a Buddha to survive. You will be manipulated, you will feed into their perpetuating cycle of blame. Your attempts at help will be twisted around and you will be demonized by that person. A depressed, or bipolar person does not see you for who you are, they will not see you as an equal. They will use you to fill some fantasized role in their lives. They will project their own thought process onto you. You will be a demon and an angel to them, but never a friend. It’s impossible.

    I also think it’s dangerous to say that depression cannot be overcome, or has to be a lifelong battle. This sentiment is only coming from that same sick thought process. Mood swings and chemical imbalance are symptoms of unresolved inner conflicts. They’re not causes, they’re not genetically set in stone. Even the concept of depression as a disease displaces power away from the hands of the sufferer, rendering them perpetually helpless.

    What I’m saying may not be popular. I do not know how to help another person with depression. I only know what it was like to be depressed and to come out of it. I am sympathetic because I was clinically depressed for a good number of years. Deep dark pits, suicidal ideation, the works. This is why I also attracted individuals with the same emotional tendencies into my life. It took a deep personal journey to see the light. The depressed person has to take a dangerous step in order to look within. See their own innocence and forgive their own dark side. As long as they seek help from the outside, it will never come. To me, coming out of depression meant I had to hit rock bottom and choose between life and death, and I chose life.

    I realize now, depression-free, that no one else could have helped me back then. No other person, no amount of words. I had to look in the mirror alone, I had to realize that I was being evil to myself more than to any other person in the world. And realize that I loved myself and I wanted to live, that if I did not do this, I would die.

85. Sammy 25 Jun 2009 @ 9:20 pm

    I bought a lock today. A green MasterLock. On the back it says there is a sticker that explains how to unlock it. With it and the, much unused, “24 Hour Fitness” card I can go to the gym across the road and swim anytime I want. But it really isn’t about swimming. It is about survival.
    You see, I am depressed. Not your common or garden, just a little down ,sort of depressed, but the real kind. The kind that makes you feel that ending it all would be easier. But, and I know this is part of the cruel truth, I will not end it all. Seductive as the suicide fantasies are, through a chink in the wall of a prison of my own building I occasionally feel glimpses of a happiness I once knew. As long as that happiness exists as a possibility, it is worth pursuing.
    Buying the lock was a small step, and I am not sure if you will ever see it hanging on the door of a locker on the gym across the road… I still want to go there and swim, but for now, it just means I am still alive and hoping.
    At the moment every day is both a challenge and a gift. I want out. This may be only a small clawing step up the slope but I hope it inspires someone.

86. Anon1 27 Jun 2009 @ 3:42 am

    My boyfriend of 21 years and I broke up because I did not know how to communicate with him during his depression. He suffered his whole life with GAD and then last year, he was involved in a car accident. Someone hit him and soon after depression came. He struggled in the beginning greatly and it was very difficult to watch. I tried to encourage him to go to counseling. (He had been receiving medication from his family doctor instead.) Finally about 2 months later he agreed only to get his medication regulated by the psychiatrist. He told me he wouldn’t talk to anyone, he could talk to me. Still I tried to encourage it to no avail. They put him on Wellbutrin first and it seemed to make a marked change in his mood but it gave him heart palpitations so they had to change it. I forget the name of the second med, but it was bad. He told me he thought he was getting worse. I encouraged him to tell the psychiatrist and he did several times. They kept telling him he wasn’t on it long enough, wait. For the next two months he got progressively worse. During the last month we were together he started spending most of his time at home in his room, painting, cleaning, etc. During the last week we were together he started getting nasty and short with me. I felt awful like I did something wrong and unfortunately, I kept asking him if he was mad or what I did? He told me it was him not me but I just couldn’t accept that. He would call and I wouldn’t talk much because I didn’t think burdening him with my daily troubles would be good for him. When he asked I told him as much. When finally I did accept it, I thought perhaps if I gave him a couple days to himself he would be able to relax a little and things would get better. So, I told him that if he wanted to I would leave him alone for a couple of days and that his anger was not something that I needed right now. He then told me he would have to think about it. I asked him if there was anything I could do if he wanted me to call his doctor and see if I could push him to change the medication. He adamantly refused. He even told me that he had stopped talking to me about his depression because he didn’t want to burden me with it. He told me he had to trust they knew what they were doing. I texted him later that night feeling bad about the conversation telling him that I loved him and that when he hurt, I hurt, and on and on and that I just wanted to help. The next two days I called and he talked to me briefly but the conversations were short and during one I told him I missed him since we hadn’t done anything for about a month and he was angry about that. He stopped telling me goodnight and that he liked me. And the last day he spoke to me I called him and he was laying down so I offered to call him later and he was calm then I remember and he said okay that would be good. Later that night when I got back from the gym, I called, his mother answered, and he screamed angrier than I had ever heard him before in our 21 years. Tell her I willl call her back. Approximately half an hour later, he called and told me “It’s over, we’re done, I am breaking up with you.” When I asked why he said “You don’t deserve to know.” After a short silence he hung up. He has since avoided me like the plague. The day after I called his mom and she offered to talk to him about it. He told her that “She’s better off.” His mom also told me that the doctor had changed his medicine that day finally to Paxil. Now I don’t know what to do I love him with all my heart and he shut me out completely because I had no idea how to communicate with him or help him and I ended up pushing him away. Initially I tried sending him texts telling him I didn’t understand what he was going through but I would be there for him and I wasn’t going anywhere. I would call and he wouldn’t answer I even got him some information on Depression as I decided that I should have been trying to get some earlier on. I left copies on his doorstep. (I know that seems pushy but in my defense at the time his computer was broke and he always liked to look things up on the internet. In fact, earlier in his depression, he would come to my house and ask if we could look up his medications on the internet.) I had hoped that might somehow comfort him. Finally after about a month of that, I decided that it might somehow be easier for him if I just let him go. So I sent one last text on May 27 telling him that I agreed with the breakup and that I was sorry for calling his mom and texting and calling so much. I told him that things were going well for me for once and that hopefully one day I could tell him about it. Then I told him that right now I thought maybe it was best if we both had some space. I have in the interim been taking care of me and my own issues, but I miss him so much. I have been trying to give him some space. I even stopped waving when I see him, partly because he doesn’t wave back and partly because I said we both needed space. I don’t know if that is right because I don’t know what his mindset is. I stopped calling his mom because I am sure she has a lot to deal with now and I don’t want to invade his privacy. But the other day, I was on my way to the post office from work and I stopped at the Rite Aid which is right on my way for water and when I came out I saw him coming out of the counseling center. He was sooo thin. I had heard that he had gone back to work about mid-May and thought maybe he was finally on the way to recovery, but he hasn’t gone back to work since sometime in mid-June and I just wish I could do something for him. His job was always very important to him. How do you think he might respond to me trying to get in touch with him again just to let him know I care and that if he ever wants to talk I will be there? I have taken care of some of my own issues that I had been dealing with during his depression using advice he had given me during the course of our relationship and I have been seeking help with how to appropriately communicate with him, but I am afraid that reaching out to him could be too much for him at this stage. I was hoping to get some advice from people who have been through or who are going through depression, so that I can do what is best for him? Should I give him more time and wait and see? Or do you think it could be helpful for him if I reach out?

87. jane 29 Jun 2009 @ 9:18 pm

    My husband (who is depressed)and I have been going through a difficult time with finances lately. I feel that we can overcome them, however, he feels like a failure. He told me he had a thought of driving head on into a truck. He also said it would be easier for him to be on his own so he didnt have to be responsable for me and the kids and let us down. He is working away at the moment and does not like to come home. He tells me a week ago he doesnt know if he loves me anymore.
    I am trying to be supportive and I would do anything for him. I love him madly, but its hard to hear that you may not be loved anymore.
    I havent given up and am giving him his space. Am I doing the right thing ? Any suggestions ?

88. Anon2 29 Jun 2009 @ 11:38 pm

    So… how do you deal with a depressed spouse when you are dealing with depression in your own life? I have suffered on and off from depression since I was a teen. I am off medication right now but …. just barely. I discussed going back on it with my doctor. I have another appointment in 2 weeks to talk about how things are going for me.

    Unfortunately, I recently had a conversation with my sister (She has also been treated for depression as have my brother, my mother and my father) that made me realize all the things that are driving me nuts about my husband echoes my own symptoms. He is likely clinically depressed and likely has been so for quite some time. I have just been frustrated with why, when I most need support I am most on my own. Why, when I can barely get out of bed, is he not paying bills and instead spending all of our money on his own hobbies? Why do our lights and gas and phone keep getting shut off while he always has money to shoot bows, guns, chew tobacco, eat out every day twice a day etc? Why can he not even walk with me in the grocery store but instead just wanders aimlessly? But, of course, I saw this (and still struggle with seeing this) as proof I was dead weight and dragging him down. Proof that I was no good and completely worthless.

    Now he is having trouble with his job. His hours and pay were cut by 1/3 and the facility owner and investors keep coming in and having “meetings” with the company owner. He does get up and go to work and everything (albeit he used to be a great dresser and now he goes in with a grease and ketchup stained striped polo shirt with a wrinkled plaid shirt on top of it) but other than that he just sits. He tries to look for a new job but drives around for 8+ hours without applying for anything. He will pull into parking lots where jobs are posted and sit there for hours before pulling away. The problem is, he tells me I am wrong. He refuses to go to the doctor and I honestly don’t know if I can be the person to support him in this as I struggle so hard myself. And… my poor kids. THey are very aware, very well adjusted (I think) but…. how messed up are we making them???? (They are 13 and 15 at this point.) How do we deserve to be parents when our own lives are soooo messed up? How can I fix this mess when I can’t even fix myself?

89. Anon1 30 Jun 2009 @ 5:12 am

    Jane brings up a very good point. What is the right thing to do? I mean yes, he broke up with me told me I was better off. But I know that it was the depression talking. Most people I talk to say maybe I am better off; I should just move on. One person even suggested that maybe I was codependent, since I wanted to just give him space and wait and see and told me that I just need to get on with my life. I look at it like this though, would I leave him is he had cancer, would I leave his if he had heart disease? This is the same thing. In a world, where you let go of people simply because they are no longer healthy or able to care for themselves, where is the love? I know that I need to take care of me too, so I go to the gym, I have started eating healthier, I go out with the girls at least once or twice a week, etc. but I don’t see how if I love him I am supposed to give up on him? What is the right thing for him though? Generally speaking, I think when someone asks what they should do. Answers generally come bearing the best solution for the asker and not the person they are asking about. I wonder what would a psychiatrist or psychologist tell a depressed person about the people around them? Should I stay with them? Am I a burden? I suspect they are giving the opposite advice. Which make this really a catch 22! What do you think?

90. Judith 30 Jun 2009 @ 11:29 am

    I think that the issue that you raise is so very important. The difference between cancer or heart disease and someone with a mental illness, is that the mental illness can be destructive on a relationship and the others aren’t ( to speak in gross generalisations). Mental illness impairs the ability of the sufferer to relate with others, and often with the person that cares for them. So yes, I would say you should stay with the mentally ill person. However, there are a few things that you must make sure are in place. FIrst, care for yourself, which you appear to be doing. Secondly, ensure that the ill person is receiving treatment. And thirdly, the ill person needs to accept the help from you. I am thinking that that is where the problem is. If he refuses help from you, you can’t force it on him. It’s really hard.

91. past the troubles 4 Jul 2009 @ 2:38 am

    I wonder how many of you eat processed food, drink alcohol, smoke, do drugs,dont exercise, dont sleep and generally treat your body badly on a regular basis?

    I used to have anxiety and cut all that stuff out of my life and it made a HUGE difference. Porcessed foods and other chemicals and junk in our world make for toxic bodies and toxic minds.

92. Cam 5 Jul 2009 @ 6:42 pm

    Thank you so much for the insight you have all given to me. I feel for the people who are carers and also the ones that are suffering from this horrible disease.

    I have been with a man for the last 6 years on and off – i was the other woman – he jumped between his wife and myself. He has tourettes, OCD as well as his major ordeal depression. We have not had an easy road, but i love him.

    His now ex wife has moved to another country with his two children.and he has recently sunk deeper then he ever has before. We dont live together but are reasonably close. He has turned into a recluse drinking constantly. He has moments when he loves me, and sees me and its just like old times. However lately, and more frequently he is distant, doesnt speak to me for days on end, ignores my texts or calls. He spends his time hidden in his house watching tv and drinking. He has sucidal thoughts, but claims he is too lazy to do it. His doctor has prescribed him prozac, but he seems to be worse now then he ever was????

    he functions ok for work though, its only when he is at home that becomes this other person.

    I have no idea how to help him, or if i can help him at all. I would appreciate any ideas or advice that anyone could give.

93. how 5 Jul 2009 @ 10:17 pm

    i believe my boyfriend has depression as i’ve been doing research he seems to tick all the boxes on the symptons, at the moment he’s asked for time out which im giving him but im worried he has depression but am worried how to bring this up to his attention… he might just push me away further, would appreciate any help

94. Shirley Harmeyer 6 Jul 2009 @ 4:30 pm

    I 2 am depressed. So is my boyfriend. I am 46 and he is 38. He is an alcoholic and drug addit but won’t admit it. He is a functioning alcoholic as am I. But he wants to blame everything on me. According to him he does nothing wrong. His Mom is drug addicted and he compairs me 2 her. I’ve done everything this guy has asked me 2 do. I have gone to college gotten a degree, quit smoking, drinking, and seeing other men. Even had a tongue piercing he hated let it grow back together, belly button piercing I let grow back cause he hated it. Everything he has asked for I have done. But he still tells me that he wants no live in girlfriend and doesn’t want to be married again. Am I stupid for sticking around? or should I tell him to get lost? by the way his family is awesome. I love them like they were my own. Parents, sister, aunts, uncles. u name it I love them all.

95. Eddie 14 Jul 2009 @ 1:24 pm

    The truly sad thing is that all the advice for living with a depressed person points to a single logical conclusion: leave. I know that’s cold, but it’s calculated. Look at the advice, for example, the ‘right things to say’: “What can I do to help?”, “If you ever need a friend, I am here”. While those are certainly nice things to say to a depressed person, they are all about what the CAREGIVER should do, not the depressed person. And believe me, you’re gonna say and do those things hundreds of times with little to show for it. It’ll drive you nuts, and as such is unrealistic. As a caregiver, it takes a saint to endlessly offer such support knowing you are highly unlikely to get support in return at the times your own life becomes difficult. I can freely admit it: I’m no saint. It’s a one way street living with a depressed person: give, give, give support and then give some more while all the while likely receiving none in return. And then when you look for advice you’re told ‘that’s the way it is’. The depressed person can’t help it. I’m sure that’s true, but where does it leave the caregiver? Frankly it sounds like a recipe for a lost life. Cold as it may sound, you only get one life to live, and spending it in a one-way emotional relationship is not very appealing to most people. The unfortunate truth is that if you live with a severely and chronically depressed person you should consider leaving, or you’ll look back at a life of missed opportunities and likely resent the depressed person you vested yourself in. Speaking from experience.

96. kms 14 Jul 2009 @ 2:52 pm

    As a caregiver I am very torn. My sister is in a depression and nothing I do, other than agree, or do what she wants, helps. I feel like I am enabling rather than helping . She speaks very negatively about anyone who isn’t giving her the attention she “deserves” right now. She accuses me of not caring and not spending enough time with her.
    In the past my marriage has struggled because of the attention my sister needs. (she did not have severe signs of depression at this time and there is no family history) I stepped back some from my sister to help my marriage and also because as my children have grown they have kept me very busy so less time is available for my sister. We live a distance from each other but email regularly and talk usually weekly.
    This depression is new and hopefully situational. I want to be there for her but I can’t give her any more time than I already do without sacrificing my own family. When I do talk with her I end up getting frustrated because I’m not saying the right things or she is angry at me for something that I feel is very unfair…yet I bite my tongue. Healthy for me? no Helping her out? no So although I want to be a support person for her and I believe she is looking to me solely for that I am not good at empathisizing. I KNOW this is a disease but most people with a disease TRY to get help. My sister is not. I have offered to go with her, make the appt. for her, and yet she is not open to it.
    I have made an appt. for myself to talk to a therapist in hopes she can give me some good advice. I feel weak for not being able to help and for not being able to handle this better. Yet this isn’t about me is it? Or am I just as important? Any thoughts on this?

97. Pent up 17 Jul 2009 @ 7:43 am

    I am one of the “caregivers” feeling at a loss for how to best support my depressed spouse and simultaneously maintain my own strength and a healthy perspective on life. My husband suffers recurring bouts of depression. I don’t for a second blame him or downplay the reality and intensity of what he’s going through, but I never know what to say. I noticed the depressed commenters who mentioned that they prefer for people to just listen and say nothing. That makes sense to me. I’m exceptionally good at just listening, and I wish that was what my husband preferred. However, he wants the opposite. He has repeatedly told me that he feels totally alone–like he might as well just be talking to himself because I never say anything. I’ve tried the simple “I’m with you, and I love you.” or “I’ll do whatever I can to support you.” many times, but even though I mean it, it always sounds hollow compared to the magnitude of his despair and anger. He doesn’t want these little comfort phrases; he wants me to be able to talk intelligently with him for hours on end into the wee hours of the morning about the meaning (or senselessness) of life and human suffering and death. The thing is, since he thinks about these things so much, I can never add anything he hasn’t already thought about. I can’t offer any helpful insight. He thinks that I’m just ignoring him and abandoning him when I am simply at a loss for what to say. When I’ve told him that I’m terribly sorry that I never know what to say but I just hope he knows I love him, he gets upset and thinks I’m not trying. Whenever I do say something, he scoffs at it as being so typical, so superficial and shallow. We talk about our mutual faith sometimes, which is the key to me in the way I interpret everything about these issues he’s obsessed with. When he’s having a good day and even when he’s having milder bad days, we have really interesting conversations where we mostly agree on these things. But on the really bad days, he says things that totally contradict what he said the day before when he was feeling better. He says things like, “Actually, this is how I always feel and what I really believe. When you see me acting differently or saying something else, I’m just pretending. When I run out of energy to pretend, then all I can do is just be who I really am.” Then he’ll go on and on about how he’s totally alone, and when I try to reach out and say “I’m with you. I don’t know how you feel, but I’m with you,” he replies that “No. You’re not with me. How are you with me if you don’t even understand me. No one in my entire life has every understood me. I am totally alone.” He literally, physically turns away from me in anger because in his mind I’ve abandoned him even though I’m constantly agonizing over how to reassure him that I do love him and that even though I can’t understand what he’s going through I want to support him. I pray and beg God to give me the words to say that I can never seem to find when my husband is angry at me for having nothing useful to say and he needs me to talk to him. The exact same cycle of behavior and almost identical conversations where he feels angry and lonely and I can’t think of what to say repeat themselves every few weeks, last for anywhere from a day to a week, and then he’ll be fine again for a couple weeks, and then the cycle repeats. He’s really like 2 totally different people on a good day compared with a bad day. I feel so powerless. What can I do? What is the right thing to say when he says life is worthless and nothing but pain and points out all of the reasons why? I can’t argue with him because for him at that moment his life does feel worthless and miserable. I can’t agree with him either though because I don’t want to sound cold and like I’m agreeing that he should end it all… I’m screaming inside… You want me to say something, but what? What do you want me to say? What would be good for you if I said it? If I say the wrong thing, are you going to do something terrible?

98. Listen, distract, sweet gestures 1 Sep 2009 @ 6:23 pm

    When I am blue, the worst thing you can say to me is ‘Cheer up’. The best thing you can do for me is firstly listen if I feel like talking and secondly distract me. Distract me unobviously, which will ofcourse be different to the individual but get them to do something that just takes there mind to a different place long enough that they will see some light. For me, this might be as simple as ‘come outside and sit in the sun for five’, lets go for a walk etc………… and a little persitance pays. Thirdly do something small and sweet just to remind me someone out there truly does care.

99. Tammy 8 Sep 2009 @ 11:42 pm

    My mother who is terminally ill with cancer is severly depressed. She won’t get out of bed, barely eats anything, and is entirely focused on what little time she has left. She asked her oncologist how much time she had left and he told her 9 months. Now she regrets asking that question. I live several states away from her and it is killing me watching her deteriorate. What can I do or say to help her? She has been on an anti-depressant for about 2 1/2 weeks. My father is her caregiver and is struggling. I have sisters and a brother who visit regularly to assist him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

100. iRay 21 Sep 2009 @ 8:51 pm

     In a marriage, we make a vow to eachother. “I, _______, take you, ________, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”
     Most times sadly it’s for only better. Vow is not a contract, it’s a covenant promise you made. Never leave your partner in a fire. Together, find a way out!
     Unconditional Love is the answer. But how you may ask?! Your faith will be emotionally tested. Trust me, you will need Jesus for this faith.
     Study your spouse and work and learn them as if your trying to get your high school diploma, than college degree, than masters, than PHD and
     etc….That means hitting the books, study hard and learn the new
     language of depression. Your patience will be battled if you don’t learn how to control your emotional faith first.
     Try it! It just might work! But warning, your emotional faith will be tested and it will either make you or break you. Learn Your faith first during your studies.
     Neglecting will not help but leave them burning in fire.

101. Lost_Confused32 12 Oct 2009 @ 7:08 am

     Wow. I am a 32 yr old male who is starting to look into the mirror more carefully. I have had 3 failed relationship and its looking like I will have another. I never thought that I, a successful IT engineer would think I had depression. Honestly, I still don’t know. I know I have had a bout with being physically abusive to my partners, as well as, mentally abusive. I grew up with an abusive parents also with Lupus and bouts with being hospitalized constantly. I really don’t remember the last time I was happy. I mean, happiness last for hours or maybe a couple of days, then its back to this altered-ego who is never happy with anything anybody does. Simple confrontations usually stay longer they should and begin to multiply until explosion. I also can start something but never complete it. I’ve seen many counselors, some good and some not so, and I haven’t been able to continue my sessions. I’ve held on to so many things in my past and in my present the closest people seem to hurt me the most. Lately, I been diagnosed with fibromygilia (sp) and given some anti anxiety pills. They seemed to work earlier, but now I don’t think they do anything but decrease my libido. Also, i’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I mean, i’ve always had them in the back of my mind, but now I am looking for a sure way to complete this. I really don’t know where the anger originates from nor do I understand depression like I should, but after another fight with my partner, I am starting to see that it is me who pushes everyone away from me. Why? I have no one now. My mom has said things like “I wish you were dead”. How can someone say such a thing to me, but I act like it didn’t hurt, but it really does. Of course, this was years ago, but I still battle with those words. I have siblings, but no one even seems to care about if I live or die, so I’ve chosen the latter. I am so hurt internally that I just cry. Tried Jesus, but nothing. So I am wondering if I suffer from something now. I use to be so strong mentally and spiritually on the outside, but on the inside I am so fragile, but no one knows. Honestly, I am losing it. I have a great job, but its nothing to me. I even want to quite to get my life in order, but I can’t. The woman in my life has been so dependent on me as a man for financial and mental support that now when I break down she leaves and calls tells me derogatory things. I honestly don’t know where to turn and Couseling has never help. The crazy thing is I can imagine my life happy, but it’s much harder to do it than imagine it. Somewhere I got lost, but where? My memory is so bad from the drugs both recreational and prescribed that I don’t know whether I am going or coming. I can’t continue this way. I love people so much that I would rather kill myself then become a burden on them. Damn, what will my kids think?

102. Jennifer 16 Oct 2009 @ 10:04 pm

     Hi

     I think my husband may have depression and I’ve probably done all the wrong things as I am so frustrated and angry at having to deal with his lows, I’ve ended up telling him if it carry’s on I will have to go.

     The lows I can usually cope with, but sometimes he will just have an outburst and throw food usually everywhere! The act of this scares me because I’ve been in a violent relationship before and I’ve told him time and time again how much this upsets me. But he blames me and says that I just keep pushing and pushing, when the last time he did it I was simply crying about a situation we were both in.

     How do I encourage him to seek help when he’s rebelling against everything I say? When I try to talk to him about it he says I’m being ‘patronising’ and talking to him like a child.

     I really am loosing patience and not sure I can cope much longer. It doesn’t help that we work opposing hours and hardly see each other.

103. Lisa 3 Dec 2009 @ 3:32 am

     Jennifer-As someone who is depressed, I am acutely aware of the impact my mood swings have on my spouse. I know it must not be easy to deal with-the ups and downs. This article provides some nice suggestions about things to say to a person with depression. I also think it may help you to talk about your own feelings/frustrations with a professional. Consider finding a therapist of your own who can help you process your own thoughts. Healthpanda.com can help you find a therapist in the Philadelphia/PA area. Good luck

104. MM 29 Dec 2009 @ 4:06 pm

     My spouse has chronic depression. I don’t know what goes on inside his head when he’s out of it but he just does not care about anything or anyone. Says horrible things and is sucking the life out of me. I always ask GOD, “Why?” But I know the answer, I’m strong enough to help him get through this.

     I feel all the caregiver’s pain. I know you want to walk away and separate yourself from all this negativity; but we know that they are capable of loving when their state of mind is a little less foggy.

     The only hope I have is that he will get better. Try to get counseling for yourself while this is all happening because YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

105. Lisa 7 Jan 2010 @ 9:36 pm

     It is great to see people sharing their experiences on this site, I am trying to be a caregiver but it feels like I’m just chipping away at a brick wall to no avail, I have been with my boyfriend for two years now, he has been through so much in this time (people close to him have passed long before their time, he has lost his job, his house, his transport everthing), he kept his head up through it all and kept fighting I admired him so much for it! He said that what kept him going was me and the thought of me and him having a life together when this bad spell passed, I know he was depressed but who wouldnt be after all that happened but he seemed to be getting through it. Now last month he went drinking with the local drama group he’s in and ended up kissing another girl in a game of truth or dare, he told me and I flipped but eventually came round and tried to talk to him bout it but he won’t it’s like he cant forgive himself he said he wouldnt expect me to wait for him after what he’s done, I think he feels he’s lost the only person he can talk to and he’s slippin further and further down, I want to help but I don’t know what to do I’m just drained, he wont answer the phone or txt I’m not mad with him I just want him to get better what do I do?

106. ribbit 13 Jan 2010 @ 4:43 am

     for me, the best thing a person can do is be there. like, just sit and watch tv with me or invite me out (i might not go) or just chat about nonsense. helps the time pass, lifts the pain for a few minutes. if i want to talk about the depression, i know there’s someone who will listen, but i’d rather just get my mind off of things for a bit or just feel like someone knows i exist and has thought about me. hugs are good too, from time to time. but i don’t always want to be forced to confront my depression as a problem – i know it is a problem and i am getting professional and personal help. sometimes i just want to try to focus on something else and not feel like i have to discuss/explain/problem-solve. i guess i just need a break and the best thing a person can do is give me one.

107. ribbit 13 Jan 2010 @ 4:46 am

     another word for those caregivers, spouses and family members – this is from being on both sides of the equation. what it says above is true, you have to take care of yourself. there is middle ground between leaving someone and jumping in the black hole with them. space and perspective can help you help the person you love, and while they may be frightened that you are pulling away, you’ll be able to be there in the long run if you don’t burn out and destroy yourself. easier said than done, i know. but it’s good to try for.

108. bb 16 Jan 2010 @ 2:41 pm

     one thing i would like to stress to friends, family etc is don’t feel like a failure if overtures of help are not taken up. don’t try to hassle the person into accepting your help simply offer once a month that you are there when they decide they need you.

     i am like an injured animal – i need ot crawl away build walls around myself and lick my wounds – when i am at my lowest or even on my way down to that point i cannot accept help or even face talking about issues – if people try to help or offer help it makes me feel worse because it makes me feel that on top of my problems i am causing concern to loved ones. it doesn’t matter when people say they don’t mind or they want ot help it just makes me feel like more of a failure.

     simply make sure that they know they are loved and that you will be there for them when they decide they need your support.

109. Lisa 19 Jan 2010 @ 2:13 am

     Its been 20 days now since he even spoke to me, he wont answer the phone, txt me back or meet me how long is it going to last I dont think es a failure i just cant bear to think of him going through so much on his own, is this going to last the rest of his life and there is no way he will look for medical help I keep thinking the worst i could never forgive myself if it happened!

110. Louise 19 Jan 2010 @ 11:47 pm

     I beleive I understand a bit of both sides of the caregiver/depressed person coin. My best friend is clinicaly depressed. To be honest, this advice works really well for people in her inner friendship circle who don’t know how to deal with her. Those closer…well, they just need to understand more.
     Until I started my battle (completely unrelated trigger btw.) I was losing her, I just couldn’t be friends with someone who was trying to explain to me the difference between wanting to die and wanting to kill herself. Now? Well I’d equate it with having an arguement with a professor. When you first start in your freshman year, you’d sometimes be completely silenced by their arguements. By the time you get to the end of your degree, you have a lot more knowledge to combat with the professor.
     Now I have depression (or whatever) I sit and listen without shock to the things that she says, because I’ve thought most of them too. And I can argue her out of these thoughts through shear logic. (We are very alike.)
     The best things people have ever done for was to reassure me over and over and over and over that they are not angry with me. Seriously. I HATE being hugged when I am upset, and luckily most of my friends now know and respect that.
     Someone, said earlier that they did not know their husband could have such a ‘mean streak’. It’s not like that. I honestly have no control over the horrible and hurtful things I can do and say. It’s like watchng a bad movie and wanting to close my eyes at the cringeworthy parts but being unable to turn away. Deep down, I hope that the sweet person everyone says I was is still there and will come back.

111. Mary 24 Feb 2010 @ 9:29 am

     For all you caregivers you should check out this website.

     http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com

     It’s a forum where caregivers can offer support and advice to each other. It’s really helped me a lot.
     All of you caregivers please take a look at it. It helped me feel less alone. I saw my story told by 100s of different people. I think it might have saved my sanity.
     Good luck to everyone!

112. Alice 1 Mar 2010 @ 11:19 pm

     I really wish my mum would use this list but she says the opposite which makes everything worse. I really need here to be there but she just tells me to get a grip and to stop feeling sorry for myself when i’m not! i just really really want to get better now.

113. Amanda 27 Mar 2010 @ 8:49 pm

     I have just started seeing someone with Bipolar, he had depression at 18 and got through it. At 28 he had another bout of depression and ended up on meds. He is now 31 and has been having issues with his medication so has gone off it thinking he did it for 10 years before and was ok so he hopes that will happen again.

     We have only been seeing each other for about 6 weeks and I’m really not sure how to handle it. Do I just leave him alone? or should I send him the every-now-and-then text saying “was just thinking of you and hope you had a good day” or just call him and chat about everyday stuff and not mention how he’s going? and see each other as we normally would.. (a few times a week).

     He has said ‘I need to deal with this and it’s not fair on you’ but I really like him.

     From reading everyone’s posts above I’m getting really scared that his depression is just going to bring me down as well and I’m going to end up with my heart broken. I know it’s extremely early days but we really like each other.

     Can someone advise me on how to handle this? Is it worth just simply asking him “what should I do while you’re sorting yourself out? should I leave you alone or do you want my support and want to see me”. I am a pretty upbeat, happy person – would this help him or annoy him?

     So many questions!

114. AMANDA 18 Apr 2010 @ 1:17 pm

     I have battled with depression myself and also a caregiver. My depression started when I was 14 my dad got killed in a car accident i became a stranger in my own body became very angry did’nt love myself hated my life all the while knowing who i really was but how come i just could’nt get back to myself not really wanting to live but did and i had to live because i had two little ones and i did’nt want to miss out on their lives. depression is unexplainable to some extent.and it will totally swollow you up if you let it. The one thing i can say is i always rememberd the real me the person i truely was and i was’nt gonna settle for being this monster i turned into so with all that i tried 2 force me to return but i knew i was’nt me i prayed got on my knees and cried and begged but nothing this went on for 14 yrs and for the last 8months i have been me again so much weight and darkness is gone the number one thing i did for myself is change my negative to posotive and took a long look at the most wonderful blessings i’ve been given and at all i’ve missed being totally ingolfed in this disease called depression. Now my spouse who has always been happy go lucky loved life work nothing could get him down the person i know has turned into hating life finds it has no purpose sleeps constantly see’s none of the beauty in life just dreadfull to be around he’s depressed and yes i know exactly the dark miserable road he is walking on but don’t know what in the hell to do to help him. i do try to keep everything posotive tell him i love him never would walk out on him etc.etc. but am not getting anywhere! WHAT IN THE HECK DO I DO OR CAN I DO TO GET THROUGH TO HIM??????????????????

115. Vicky 19 Apr 2010 @ 9:36 am

     I am not writing to give advice because I feel completely out of my depth and I don’t know how to deal with my depressed boyfriend. We are both in our early twenties and have been together for over three years. We only see each other on weekends because we do not live near enough. He has admitted to having had depression only recently but says it is something he has coped with all his life. I feel so helpless that the one I love most in the world is suffering and is living in circumstances that can only increase his depression – on his own with no friends living nearby. All I could wish for the one I love is for him to be happy and it breaks my heart that I cant be there for him during the week. I feel like a selfish person for being sick with worry and taking his lack of communication so personally – the last thing he needs to know is that I worry about him but it is hard to hide…I find it hard to be able to separate which behaviours are to do with his depression and which behaviours are part of his personality… He does not keep in touch during the week and this silence deeply affects me – Am I selfish for feeling so rejected? He feels he does not deserve me, that he has no talent, no skills, nothing going for him, not enough friends, he spends all his spare time on the internet, does not exercise or involve himself in any activities… How can I convince him he is the wonderful person I know he is? He cant even talk to me about anything personal…. he clams up completely – sometimes I struggle to feel connected to him at all….It kills me that I cant fix this – He wont go to a doctor/counsellor! I love him so much but right now I feel trapped by my love – I could never leave him but my stomach is literally in knots with worry over him….

116. Katie 9 May 2010 @ 8:59 am

     I have had two friends who i believe suffer from depression.

     One of them was actually diagnosed it by doctors but the other friend hasnt, yet they both have the same kind of thought pattens, I did feel what could i do to help them as i always believed they were nice people. It bothers me that i have lost two friends to depression but i didn’t know what to do, especially the one friend i had i always listened to her and her thoughts but in the end as much as i cared a part of me felt i couldnt take it any more.. and even though i stayed the both friendships out as long as i could.. they both broke it up with me because how horrible they had become.

     I actually asked a friend of my partner who i was told suffered with depression at one point. I asked him how did he get over it? His reply was.. he never really did.. just got good at hiding his emotions and feelings.

     I also had a friend at school who i think in his way suffered with depression but the thing was he was a nice person.

     I think the only advice i could give, is the answer lies in to each and every person as and when they face up to things and find the strength in them to carry on. As people with depression do clamm up completely and you do feel like constantly banging your head up a brick wall trying your best to get though to them.

     I know if it was the other way round though that if i didn’t want somebody to get through to me i wouldnt totaly let them. Really whatever issue people with depression had to cause the depression they do have to deal with their issue by themselves.. i think people have to understand you can only get though to some one so much but that the person dealing with the depression on whatever their problem was needs to deal with their inner most demons inside themself.

     I say it helps to listen to therefore understand them,. so they feel that they at least have you for a friend and id say to include them in social situations. I used to be a bit like that, as i was shy and all that, sometimes they just need to be brought out of their shells but remembering they will only come out when they feel comfortable.. you cant force it, sometimes it does take patience but i think it also depends on the full depth of somones depression and i think as nice as you want to always be there for people you love and care that sadly you have to realize you help cant help everyone

117. Katie 9 May 2010 @ 9:06 am

     and i think it is best to not take things personally as people with depression can swing both ways.. they can be so angry one moment and then totaly break down and its not helping thme if you as a friend to them take things personally.

118. Katie 9 May 2010 @ 9:29 am

     i feel maybe twice in my life i have been depressed but i have got through it. i never thought over suicide or anything like that. I suppose its hard when your the one going through depression. Different people seam to want different things what they want people to do to help, but mostly most people prefer to deal with things alone.. sometimes it helps in a way. I remember running away from home just to be alone when i was in a very dark place in my own life. Its like i would carry on as normal but i would exclude myself away from people. I used to cry in my room as i would also feel very lonely but when someone would try to help i wouldnt want it as id feel like they were trying to sort me out and not understanding me. I did have a counciler at one point but all i did was talk, i didn’t always understand the point of having one but after a while i got quite used to talking.. and i freaked out when my parents was going to stop this for me and turned to self harm. I managed to get over quite a lot of this but i did most of it by myself, it helped by people bringing me out of my shell and everything.. I used to think if i could show people just how much i was hurting i might get some help but at one point i didn’t realise they couldn’t help me that i had to face the inner demons myself

119. Lee 9 May 2010 @ 10:35 am

     Ok as somebody that suffered with depression and was diagnosed by a doctor, i can tell you this

     Getting out of depression is hard, it requires self motivation, i know depression makes you feel alone, unwanted and like everything you try is destined to fail, I never truly got over depression, but i am no longer depressed, Why you may ask, Well i did something about it, instead of lying around feeling stupid suicidal and unloved, i decided this was no way to live, i pretended to be a confident person outside the house (which took A while to leave, going outside seemed pointless but it wasn’t) i said hello and good morning to total strangers, pretending to be this confident person i most defiantly was not, yet after a couple of weeks, the going outside for a good long stroll and talking with people became a regular thing, the whole confidence faking started to drift away and people were actualy talking to the real me, this made me eventualy feel like i wasnt the only person around, i wasn’t alone, even tho i had no girlfriend, no job and no real life, for that moment i was walking in the park and talking to mums playin with the kids, dads people walking there dogs etc.. it lifted my spirits for a short while,

     as soon as i got home things went back to hitting depression in a bad way, thaughts of suicide etc.. so instead of sitting around doing nothing, i took up jogging, just stuck my mp3 in my ears and went on a damn long run (like 3 – 4 hours) did this every day, and soon enough i started making friends, which seemed unlikley as i felt everybody was against me, people hated me, everything i would attempt would end in failure yet after a couple of weeks i made new friends, and i actually slowly started to feel good, a total of 3 months later i started sleeping regular hours, enjoyed hangin around with my new found friends and more importantly that feeling of self loathing and depression was fading away,

     The morale of this story is simple – Depression is hard to cure, its your own inner self that is destorying you,

     The way i cured it and 2 of my friends cured it was to take a different direction with our lifes, try something new, but really set your mind to it NO MATTER HOW POINTLESS it seems, and dont give up, after just a couple of weeks you will start to notice a difference,

     The cure to depression is not at the bottom of a pint glass, or in your bed, or even shouting at those closest to you (i know you dont even realise you do it) the cure is your own self belief,

     think of depression like your batteries need charging, the only way to charge them is to breathe life into them, Seriously join a Gym, go running, or just long walks with your mp3 player, Try listening to a different Genre of music too, i used to listen to dance / trance i switched to Rock when i went running and for long walks, and now im a strong willed and confident person, that wont let anything stand in my way. I seriously recommend a change in direction and you will see things will start to look up

120. Katie 9 May 2010 @ 9:16 pm

     If someone had have told me that i was depressed ages ago im not sure if id have believed them… as at one point i hadnt had experience with people who were depressed.
     I wouldnt say i always felt happy in my life even though i know i have been happy at times and moments.
     Id say lonliness was something that would slowly begin to depress me from a young age, i never seamed to fit in with anyone and i felt that not only at school but with my own cousins but at the same time id tell myself i was perfectly happy by myself.
     I used to get bullied and so i told myself not to bother with people as i hated getting bullied, as i got bullied from a very young age, from first school to a bit in high school. I really did loose all my confidence in that area of my life so much so that i managed to develop a speach problem and of course the bully’s would pick up on that so much so.. anyway my point is.. all through that part of my life i felt unwanted and unaccepted and everything like that and more than anything i just wanted to fit in.
     Oh id see people in their own groups in life hanging round with each other happily joiking around with each other and i would feel that i wanted something like that.
     Anyway im saying the loniness at times was too much to bare. But years ago maybe five to six years ago i got invited to a friends house party and from then on they all made me feel wanted and everything like that and always rang me up if they were going out and joining me in arrangments they made and im still friends with them all today.. but im saying that helped alot and id say one person in particular in high school helped me alot with my self confidence and i dont think he would ever imagine he had so much impact on me, because yet again he would get me to join in with things, telling me i was beautiful and sexy and made me feel so good about myself.. as he is to me such a great person and as he told me how sexy i was, i did fall for him, but i took comfort in the fact that im sure he felt the same way, even though we never were like boyfriend and girlfriend – but he treated me with respect and consideration and thought highly of me.
     Anyway, with the help of people getting me to come out of my shell and everything that was the best thing for me. And having people around me making me feel accepted and everything it threw the lonliness away and the depression that came with it ..

121. Sian 11 May 2010 @ 2:19 pm

     How can you help a person who is severly depressed, and has been for so long that it’s part of their world? They keep moving on to the next thing and then the next when something doesn’t work out. I have a daughter in her early 20′s. She’ll sleep 12 hours a day. She’s gained at least 80 pounds over the last two years. Nothing is ever right. She’s been involved with MEN and I mean 30 year old men who demean her and call her names. When I suggest therapy she gives me the “Why? Why am I the one who has to go?”. I try my best and just listen and try and be supportive, but at this point I am seriously worried. She has been putting herself in dangerous situations. I have reached out and called hotlines. I beg to know what to do or how to help her. She has never threatened to hurt herself, but alas she is doing just that every single day. The worse part now is she has not one friend. Not one. She has never been able to form solid relationships. It’s a sin for a beautiful, talented young lady to live this way. What do I do? My heart is breaking. What do I do?

122. breton kvetcher 11 May 2010 @ 9:24 pm

     I think this is not bad advice at all. What kills me (practically ! ) when I’m really depressed…is that no one can get through to me no matter what anyway. I think the best thing, the thing that helped, was just someone’s presence, on the phone, whatever… another thing that helped…repeating over and over (and over) that things were going to get better. Absolutely positively they were.
     You can never help anyone who doesn’t want to be helped. But just saying that you want to help, is already so helpful. After that, I think you can only just be there.

123. Katie 12 May 2010 @ 1:27 am

     that is true.. you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped. Also you should read some of the tips of the top of this page things not to say with someone with depression as i think you will get a bad reaction from a person suffering with depression if you use those words. Breton’s right it helps with the presence with someone around you but sometimes it depends on the issues first hand what the depressed person has had to deal with.

     Depression can happen after death of someone loved or the lonliness some people enounter and all the bad things that can happen to people in their lives.. i do personaly think if someone can face the trigger that caused the depression then it could be worked on.

     I would say reserch depression up more to understand it more and if your daughter wants to talk to let her talk. It is true you can only really be there for someone and the upsetting thing is you can never save someone from theirselves.

     At one point, as ive mentioned in my posts i never really had friends or really fitted in around people as it can be a confidence thing… and some people need to be brought out of their shells… If you want to be there for your loved ones.. as much as it hurts you shouldnt take things personaly as depressed people can swing from one extreme to the other..

     Ive said ive had at least two depressed friends at one point, but its possible that depressed people cant always hold on to their friendships and relationships they have had.. due to their mood swings.. as ive lost my two friends to that.. ive hated it, but as much as i was understanding, patient, caring, and always listening to them it was down to their mood swings that they always ended it… And i can understand how hard it is for a mother and a daughter living together or partners living together as you will want to do everything you can.
     Id say it would help if you yourself as the caregiver remain calm as im thinking if you start shouting it will make everything worse… worse for the sufferer and for you yourself. You have to know its nothing to do with you… its hard and sometimes hurtful but you cant take things personally.

     Its one thing to say that sufferes should tackle their problems they have had to start with, that begined their depressed cycle but its easier said than done as some people never face their problems they have had, as they dont want to, they cant, it hurts too much.. and its easier to put their head in the sand. Sadly to say those sufferes will never get over what ever their issue was, and that they take pills for their depression as they either think or believe it works or think at times that they shouldnt take the tablets as they are like any other normal person and we can all become depressed at anytime in life.

     I probably got angry and nasty in way when i was depressed too but when someone would say something back id feel it deeply and personaly. And id feel like no one cared and that i was all alone. I would feel like breaking down. I know i literaly would experience deep routed pain and anger at times and its like when i would try to express myself when i would feel it to certain family members they would see me and tell me that i was more or less abnormal that someone like my sister when she was expressing herself was acceptable.. i felt that people saw me as stupid and looking down on me – see like that – some depressed people have their own views on what they think people are thinking over them and things like that. They can tell themselves things that they end up believing like they have a different view of life that they believe is true.. the moment you tell them something isnt true the depressed person will bring up their defensive barriers because they cant face the real truth.
     I know id try to ask this one friend of mine questions getting her to question her own thoughts, not telling her whats what, but i found doing that worked… in ways i could see parts of my oldself in her thats why i wanted to help her more.

     Really how anyone is as a person their thoughts and behaviour pattens apply into any relationship forms, a relationship between their family, their friends and partners. Causing problems and emotions flying high.

     If you as a person are not happy with yourself then the people around you pick up on things like that too..

124. jenny middlesex 12 May 2010 @ 8:10 am

     I wish there were more help given to carers of depressed and also mentally ill individuals.I am currently trying to support two sons aged 20 and 21 both suffering in similar but different ways .My heart breaks for them and I wish I could take away their pain. My eldest had a breakdown in 2008 and I had to have him sectioned after he tried to jump off my balcony (third floor) after he became convinced we were trying to harm him. Tried to get him help but it took a few weeks by which time he had deteriorated further. This was really unhelpful and soul destroying. He spent a couple of months in hospital and was discharged supposedly to receive help from an early interventions team worker. The worker had little contact with him and he also resumed smoking cannabis skunk (which i am so against) this was partly his fault and partly the workers fault, like he couldn’t be bothered to pursue him. He also stopped taking all prescribed meds. Recently he became unwell again, again it took several weeks to get appropriate help. He deteriorated again and i know how bad it sounds he threatened his dad with a knife. He is normally the kindest most placid individual ever. He was then sectioned under section 3 but i didnt know how much power this gives the hospital over him. I am only finding out now after research. I am now having problems stopping them giving him injections and so forth against our will. My other son is now having panic attacks and feels guilty because he used to smoke skunk with his brother (consultant has indicated this could have been a factor in his mental health problem). He is also taking calmers and sleeping pills. They now look at us like dirt like we have two sons who are mad dirty looks etc. My sons consultant ignores me in the hospital foyer then expects me to sit in meetings with him and be trustful that he wants the best for my son. today he said my son has to be assessed by a forensic specialist to determine how dangerous he will be in the community. I am appalled that because he has threatened his dad he is now classed as violent. he is not violent, never has been. i could understand if he’d actually hurt anyone but he has never done so. Saying and doing are two very different things and this is where i feel frustrated with mental health stigma. If i said those things and lifted a knife but didnt use it noone would lock me up but because of his history they can do what they want and say what they want. I need support but i guess ill have to find it myself. I also have two younger children as well and school runs etc to cope with as well as all this. I pray I can find the strength to cope. Only god gets me through these tough times.

125. Katie 12 May 2010 @ 9:34 pm

     from reading some of these comments i can understand them from both the carer’s point and the depressed person.
     I remember all the arguments and fights with my mum which these days i am ashamed of but i can understand that there’s some sort of thing inside your body that takes over in extreme pressure and situations and for a vast majority you dont have any control over what you do and i know im not voilent or anything like that.

     The carers need to realise that as much as they care and want to always be there but that sometimes you need to pass the book to somebody else.

     Even though in ways i found in the end i couldnt quite cope with one of my old friends mood swings and breakdowns and put all my emtional needs and all of that on hold but i did do just that as i cared very much so for her.

     I believe that some people can be brought out of depression and it isnt through tablets, it can be through talking and the depressed persons belif that they can get over whatever it was that caused the depression to come, that their self motivation and self stength out powers their depressed side.

     In other peoples cases some can be really severly depressed. Not that i did walk away from my friends but if it got to a point and i did, that is another point i want to make as well.. i could have walked away though, i could of really had the choice to do just that.. obviously i didnt because i am the caring loving person i am, but, as well, the fact that i had a home to go home to which obviously didn’t include my friends. So in a way because i didnt live with them day in day out they would of had to cope on their own. Id wonder how this friend of mine could seriously cope with all her problems and live with them all the time. But she did have a deluded way of thinking that sometimes was easy for her to think like but when she had got something that she couldnt be more wrong about id tell her but in a beeting around the bush style way, using suttelty and all that and i did get the chance to make my points and tell her what was really happening and usualy she could be perfectly fine hearing what i had to say. Id understand her, maybe not always but i did mostly and i could say things like, i understand where you are coming from and so can you understand where im coming from? Sometimes she would turn around and say, well if id have known that i wouldnt have got so worked up and then had a laugh about it. I would use humour around her to bring her out of some of her dsepressed cycles and it generally did work. Compared to anyone else if they had, had a bad day, she she was to have had a bad day it would be alot worse for her. She would have set fixated ideas about things and people and half the time she could be so wrong.

     The other friend did manage to alienate herself from her family though to a great point that her family didn’t like her or wanted anything to do with her and her mother didn’t have good opinions of her daughter anyway.
     I know she would be so cruel and everything so in the end any friends she did make – she just managed to push every single friend away and that this particular girl would ring up depression hot lines for like a friend and someone to talk to.

126. Danielle 11 Jun 2010 @ 5:28 am

     The love of my life (well just love), is really depressed. He broke-up with me,because he didn’t want me to see that side of him. To be honest, I wouldn’t have cared, I love him and I wanted to help the best I could in any way. But he has been having a tough time. He won’t really talk to me that much,and it worries me. And sometimes when he tells me his problems I just really don’t know what to say about it… So maybe anyone could help me with this?…

     He has been around the whole drugs,gangs,fights,etc stuff. He used to hand out drugs,but he didn’t really know what it was,and when he did he stopped with it, right away. But with the gangs he was still in it…because people kept threatening him. So he did it. He has lost two of his best mates right in front of him..and each time before they died,they’ve called him “prick”, which is what he believes he is. It’s been a year later,and he’s been trying to get out of all that stuff,but it hasn’t really been easy. He still has people falling him,and everywhere he goes people who want him dead are there. He’s always running away for his life..and he’s just scared to go outside.. People treat him like crap all the time…and he doesn’t deserve any of it. He told me that he hates everyone in this world and just wants them to die,so that he can get them,before they get him. I’m scared to know how feels like that… He was depressed even before he met me and we dated for six months..and he said the whole time he was acting to be happy for me,because he liked me from the start. I’ve treated him like crap lately..because I didn’t know about it at all,and I’ve been trying to make-up for it,by trying to help. But..I can’t do that when he’s in another relationship or is finding someone else to fill that hole he left when he broke-up with me…My heart just breaks all the time now..But I keep pushing it aside,because right now he really matters and not me. He won’t let me in though…when I’m so close, he just pushes me away and shuts me out. I try so hard to help,but he keeps saying that everything I’m doing,I’m resenting him and I’m not doing anything. He tries to pick a fight with me each time,and that just makes my heart want to break even more. My feelings won’t die down..and each time he tells me that he likes someone, I get all jealous and just go away when he needs me.. I know I sound selfish and so cruel…but what should i do?.. My heart just keeps breaking and I’m trying so hard to help… so anyone have any ideas?

127. JJMolvik 16 Jun 2010 @ 3:56 am

     I want a list of responses depressed people can give to the insensitive people!

128. anouther 4 Aug 2010 @ 1:55 am

     For those that are depressed… look into SAMe and take it with a good B-100 complex. My girlfriend researched them and started taking them herself for multiple reasons (it helps your liver too) then suggested it to me for my depression. It has helped me tremendously! The only side effects where for the first week or so I had a bit of nausea but that vanished. Less than a month on it and I found myself just standing around trying to figure out what this odd feeling was… I was happy and not because of anything particular I was just simply happy. It’s not a cure all and it does not help everyone but it has given me back my world. I still have some bad days but not nearly as bad as it had been. I fell more stable and with it and can handle bad news with more maturity because I don’t instantly break down. If you’re on medications ask your doctor before adding SAMe.

129. Reid 7 Aug 2010 @ 5:20 am

     My girlfriend suffers from depression, badly at times. I often find myself confused about if it is me or her depression causing friction. From knowing her as long as I have known her, I have learned that in her case, listening, listening, listening is one of the best ways to help her and show her that she is not alone. I am still learning what helps in her case. Has anyone ever thought whether or not it is them or the depression at times? I understand that it can and will be either/or, but it drains me sometimes. Thanx.

130. San 19 Aug 2010 @ 12:36 pm

     I feel I’m only enabling my friend my trying to help him. And I am out of positive things to say to him. He gets state help, but usually will not get out and do things to get out of his apt. What should/shouldn’t I do ?
     San

131. Elise 1 Sep 2010 @ 9:05 pm

     I have been depressed since I was 13 when I had my first experience with death. Ever since then it’s been like a sequence of making friends and moving to different groups after losing them. My ex boyfriend left me because I was depressed for a week. Right now I have a partner who is the least bit understanding. He pretends tocare when he’s wih me but as soon as he’s gone he doesn’t answer hardly any texts I send him ven when he’s doing nothing. I know I can’t help my outbursts but he just gets angry and has called me a suicidal bitch when I got to my worst. He’s hardly ever here to support me and just edges towards his friends evey time. He says he’s tried to help me but he hasn’t made one move to support me at all and just gets pissed and doesn’t answer. Is amazing how unsupportive someone can be when you try to explain to them over and over why you do this and how much you hate yourself by having these rages. Yet they continue to abuse you telling you this is why you have no friends. I just feel so alone in this, like I have sinkers attached to my ankles in a sea. He was the only one who knew and the only one I trusted. So much for thinking someone is different. So to all those people with depression who have this problem. Learn from my mistake. Get help. Don’t rely on one person to support you. Your family will always be there and be available to get you help. Don’t suffer in silence.

132. Things to Say to Insult Someone with Depression 10 Sep 2010 @ 12:25 pm

     [...] post on How to Help Someone with Depression lists some of the best things you can [...]

133. Jules 24 Sep 2010 @ 5:50 am

     My fiance at first did not know how to support me so I had to let him know these tips. If someone doesn’t know share this with them.

134. Leslie 13 Nov 2010 @ 9:50 am

     My boyfriend has seasonal affective disorder. He just got diagnosed with it about a month ago but has been battling it every winter for a very long time. His mother and brother are both bi-polar so chances are that is a part of it too. Anyway, right before he was diagnosed he ended our relationship because he felt unworthy of my love and could see that this was hurting me and he didnt want to continue hurting me. We had planned to get married. So i was very upset and angry at first. but now i am starting to realize that this is not about me. I have to set my emotions aside to help him because he is in a downward spiral to disaster. He has no feeling, no love, happiness, saddness, or anything. he cannot feel any emotion. he is on medicine and is trying his best. he feels pressure from a lot of people. when someone you love struggle with this you have to put all of your feelings and emotions aside and try not to take any of it personal.. just makes sure they know you love them and support them 10000000%

135. Claire 20 Nov 2010 @ 8:14 am

     This is all new to me. I met a wonderful man in August 2010. We started seeing each other at the begininng of October and it was instant chemistry to the point of planning things as a couple with no termination date. Last week I noticed that he seemed a bit off. I thought he wasn’t feeling well. He blamed it on a medication he was taking. He then admitted to being diagonosed with clinical depression. When I asked what he was doing about it he said nothing and not going to do anything. The next night he broke up with me over an incident most guys would have chuckled at shared shared withtheir buddies. He really blew the whols thing out of proportion and tried to lay the blame on me. I know he has really bad nightmares too. I don’t know if that’s a symptom or not. But, even though it had been a quick romance I’m hurt and left wondering if any of what he told me was true about his feelings or just part of a cycle. I still want to be with him and have told him so, but he won’t comunicate.

136. Sherri 30 Nov 2010 @ 5:48 am

     My husband and I have been married almost 21 years. We have on daughter who is 15. I have struggled with my weight for all my life and my husband has told me over the years that he would like me to lose weight but that he would love me no matter what. I guess I banked on that for so long and I assumed that he would always be there. We don’t fight or argue, we love our daughter more than life itself and we are not in debt and have good jobs. He tells me that he still loves me. My husband does work shift work though which can be hard. He works 4 days on and 4 days off and often when I am home on the weekends, he is working and vice-versa. He told me last week that he wants a separation as he feels that we have drifted apart over the years and that he doesn’t feel loved. I love him and my daugther more than life itsefl and think now that maybe I have not shown him enough affection. He is also currently in the state of severe depression, can’t get out of bed most of the time(except for work and that is becoming difficult). He’s been to his GP and he has increased his depression medication but I think it will take a couple of weeks or so before this kicks in. He says his thoughts are all over the place and he’s not sure what to do. He said he will stay now and try works things out but is it possible when he feels this way? Is there any hope? I want him to stay as does my daughter…. any help anyone can share would be greatly appreciated.

137. Missy 1 Dec 2010 @ 9:44 am

     I have known my fiance and been friends for 7 yrs and have been together know for 6mths. He and I have led very similiar lives including bouts of depression and tend to see things the same way. We both have trust issues and desire for the truth. We are living in different states at the time and I was moving to VA to be with him in 3 mths. I know he had been having a rough time lately. Work, not being able to see his kids, me living across the states and money. I know all of this had started to get to him and has been obvious in his increase in drinking. We had a silly fight Fri/Sat morning. We had planned to video chat and I ended up falling asleep before it happened. I am a very heavy sleeper and did not hear the phone ring. When I awoke at 5am and saw these nasty texts and mean voicemails I called him. He apologized, said he had been drinking and his mind went to the worst case scenario. We discussed how the distance is hard and we just have a couple more months to deal. Plus I already had a non refundable ticket to come visit him. Well that was the last time we actually spoke. He ignored me Sat into Sun and I just got upset, leaving msgs and texts demanding answers. I immediately thought he was just being an asshole instead of something being wrong. Sun his phone was disco’d. I immediately thought he changed his # on me and could not understand what was going on. I started writing emails, a few a day. Demanding he tell me why. Then a lightbulb went off and thought maybe something happened. I received an email late Wed night, very vague saying he doesn’t feel like living and he needs to cut this off. We went back and forth with the emails for a little and at the end all I could get was he had an accident, he is alone and has no family or friends there for support, his phone was turned off and he still wanted me there to visit badly. The next day was Thanksgiving. I sent an email asking him to check in with me. Didn’t need to talk but just something so I can make sure he was ok. I received nothing. By Fri I was incredibly worried, had sent emails to some family and a friend of his, saying I was concerned and just wanted to know he was ok. Nothing. I eventually had a friend of mine go by to make sure he was ok and he was not home at the time. I was very worried and sent a few emails stating that. On Sat I realized he had deleted me off his friends on Xbox, we would play togetehr sometimes and I was hurt. I let my hurt take over and expressed it in email. Then the next day I saw he had reinstated his deactivated facebook and removed me and changed his status to single. I was devestated. I once again sent an email, this time it was nasty. Begging him to make me hate his so I could move on amongst other things. I did receive a response to that. He said he can’t do this anymore, there is more going on than he wants to explain and for me to have a good life, he knows I will. I was crushed, begging for answers. I asked if his one friend was in the accident too since he had gone MIA ironically at the same time of this accident. He did not respond. I sat and thought and thought and thought. And I had a wave of clarity. I realized that this is classic depression, He was displaying the same signs as I have previously displayed during my bouts. Pushing away those who care, not giving answers, not responding. I started to think about how I would have reacted to my demanding emails when I was in that state and realized I would have reacted the same way. I wrote him one final email explaining my realizations and apologizing for my aggressive demanding behavior. I expressed that I do understand and I would always be there is he needs me. My question though is my plane ticket is to leave in 2 days. It is non-refundable. I still think I want to go and when I see him merely say, “We do not have to talk, I just thought you could use a friend and a hug.” Will this upset him and make him unreceptive? I don’t want to antaganize the situation. However he has expressed that when he went through a milder case of depression since we have been togther and stopped communicating with me, he realized that I did love him and I stuck by him and it meant the world to him. I’m just confused as to if I go or not. I do love him and do understand and want to do whatever I need to even if it is backing off completely. Any advice?

138. Ken 4 Dec 2010 @ 3:24 am

     i have a friend who is right in the thick of depression and im trying my best but it’s like she is testing me at every turn. i notice she is down, or even more “down” than usual and i ask her about it and she says shes fine… i know shes not fine and she knows i know but she expects me to know exactly what is going on… she gets frustrated and im left hurting that i don’t know her as well i should. i understand that she has trouble talking about her emotions, and that the depression/anxiety is whats getting her down, i just don’t know what to do. she wont be consoled with encouragement, she wont be cheered up. she says im not trying hard enough, so im feeling defeated and left questioning…

     basically i want to know if anyone knows how i can help her better.

139. Brd 6 Dec 2010 @ 4:12 pm

     I came looking on here tonight after a horrible day with my mother… something that has been going on for several weeks. I can’t believe it took me until now to think “depression?”, I’m in med school for goodness sake! I guess you just never want to see this in someone you love. Thanks so much for all of these posts, because the stress in our home is simply through the roof and I needed to read something where others were dealing with this and had learned how to best cope.

140. someone 14 Dec 2010 @ 1:16 pm

     my friend is hurting cuz her parents divorced…….love doesnt love her……..no one treats her right……..no one understands HER pain………and she doesnt realize that i love her…………i want to help her cuz shes moving to arizona in 2-3 weeks……..but i dont know how to make her happy :(

141. negative nancy 16 Dec 2010 @ 10:01 am

     I am a female who suffers from depression. It runs in my family. I have read the majority of these blogs and there is no reason anyone should be bashing or being ugly about any of this. There are many types and many reasons for depression. To call it a “pity party” is completely uncalled for however, and keep in mind I currently and have suffered from depression for 3 years now, depression is only as bad as let it get. I am on anti-depressants and I still find myself falling into a pit sometimes. But there is nothing that is making you stay in that dark spot but yourself. I found that I love to be outdoors and I love to workout. Both of these things release me and save me from myself. I will feel myself slipping and I will pull myself out. No one can save you but yourself. Not to say that having someone be there to encourage and comfort you isnt neseccary because it most certainly is. I put negative nancy as my name because people refer to me as that often and they are right. I have a tendency to be negative and I really dislike that. I am dating a wonderful man who at times I put through HELL but he loves me enough to support me and do what I need to get balanced again. I hate when I hurt people I love and I can even tell you when I do it but it doesnt mean that it isnt going to. All you can do is try to be positive and look on the bright side of everything. For those of you who suffer from depression, try to appreciate those who are there for you and you “care givers” thank you for everything you do. God Bless.

142. james 16 Dec 2010 @ 11:45 am

     Thanks Nancy! That was a very positive contribution, even though you see yourself as negative.

143. Inspired By People 17 Dec 2010 @ 2:54 am

     Hello,

     As an Artistic therapist I work a lot with clients in London that deal with depression and other sorts of mental health and emotional issues.

     A few months ago I have co-founded a new charity Inspired By People and we are working in partnership with organisations in developing countries to support the most vulnerable people. This includes a wonderful project in West Nepal where we set up a trauma recovery centre and mental health outreach programme that supports people in remote villages.

     We recently organised a trek through the Himalayas visiting the working areas of our partnering organisation. With this we raised money for this project. We are still at the very start of it and will need to raise lots more. If you are interested in donating to us, reading more about our projects or perhaps join us on our next trek then please have a look at our website: http://www.inspiredbypeople.org

     I am looking forward to hearing from you!

144. negative nancy 18 Dec 2010 @ 6:13 am

     No problem James. Im glad to help. I am working on this negative thing as well. Even verbally saying positive things leave me feeling a lot better all around.

145. luvuguupu 22 Dec 2010 @ 2:40 pm

     i just met this girl on cht a month before and we fall in luv with each other.but yesterday she told me tht she is leaving when i asked her why is it tht u are saying like this she told me she has got a disease called lupus and it somehow not curable.she will be admited to a hostital today and she told me tht in case she doesnt come back by 2nd of january
     thtn
     i shud forgive her
     so all u people who ever luv someone
     plz pray for my sona.for her long life.
     guppu

146. Michelle 7 Jan 2011 @ 11:39 am

     I’m so glad to hear of other caregiver in the same position.

     I have been with my depressed boyfriend for almost six years. He is everything I want and more… When he isn’t in an episode. It’s so bad that I can pinpoint the week it’s going to start, and it happens 3 times a year and it’s severe.

     He’s the type that completely shuts down all emotion. He still goes to work, the gym, is productive outside of the home. But he comes home and wont do anything. It’s so so hard to not get frustrated. It feels like he’s being incredibly selfish.

     He doesn’t care about anything, myself included. He doesn’t care what he eats, watches, does or feels. He doesn’t talk, and hates when I say any of the above tips. He doesn’t care that it hurts me when he’s like this and refuses help or to even consider anything. He doesn’t care that he’s hurting, even though he realizes he is. He doesn’t care that I love him or if I’m there for him or not. Nothing. He just turns into a complete shell of himself.

     This has usually led to a breakup, and then, when his episode is over, he comes back saying he loves me and wants to change. But nothing ever changes. I still know he’s going to go back to this again.

     All I seem to get from the other comments that would be relevant is that I should just leave him alone till it’s over. But it honestly kills me for the weeks he’s like this. So there’s nothing I can do? Nothing at all except hurt and wait for it to end and I get the real him back? I love him so much and I don’t want him to be like this forever. I’m so lost. I wish someone could just give me an answer.

147. Anna 8 Jan 2011 @ 8:03 pm

     Hi Michelle,

     It sounds like you are in a tough position. All I can suggest is that when he comes back and says that he wants to change, that you confront him then with the need for long term change. He needs to commit to getting treatment and seeing it through. It might be that you have to make that a condition of getting back together.

     I really hope that things improve for you.

148. debbie 9 Jan 2011 @ 6:19 am

     My boyfriend is depressed. He is afraid of going to a psychologist. Actually he is afraid of a lot of things. I just found out he is not working. He hasn’t been for 4 months. He does not know I know this. He keeps going through the charade of working. I popped in on him earlier this week (he works at home) during the day and he was watching tv, perusing the internet. He has 2 children (late teens) he has never disciplined, his ex is not in the picture. Should I call his Mom and one of his friends to see if they could help me help him?

149. Heather 21 Jan 2011 @ 8:37 am

     I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and he has been depressed for pretty much all of that time. I have mild bipolar disorder, but it’s under control as long as I take my meds. The problem is, although he’s there for me the few times I spiral out of control, I have to be there for him every single day. And by this point, it’s started to take its toll. I’m not ungrateful – he’s a wonderful person – but he has become my life, which means that I have no-one to share the burden of caring with. So whenever I fail, I feel completely inadequate. In all honesty, I wish I could walk away, and yes, I know how selfish that sounds. I wish with all my heart that I could walk away from him and his problems. But I love him. So I won’t. Yet I really can’t see how we can keep on going for much longer…

150. Christie 30 Jan 2011 @ 6:01 pm

     I am a well managed bipolar – for years I was not, and suffered predominantly from mania, but the depressions were few but hard, once resulting in a near successful suicide attempt.

     Now I have a partner is is having a major depressive episode, and it has been hell to deal with. WHy? i mean I’ve been there I know how awful depression is. What I had forgotten is that his depression is not about me. My depression was not about other people. and I have been making it about me, about how sad he is making me, how mean he is to me, me, me, me, me, me. Selfish. It has nothing to do with me. It’s about him. He is sad. He is feeling alone. He is feeling lost.

     in the midst of my depressionI was mean and nasty and pushed people away, lost a marriage because of it. It wasn’t about me hating them or not loving them. The feelings I had about myself I projected onto others. Io didn’t believe people could love me, I didn’t believe that I was worth it.

     Finally today I got it, I remebered how it felt down in that deep dark endless pit, and all I ever wanted was someone to stand at the top, shine a light and say I’m not going anywhere and when you reach up I’ll help pull you out.

     I haven’t been handling my partners depression because I made it about me, and not about him, I am taking things personally, and they are not personal. I will take care of myself. I can take care of myself. That is what I will do so that when he finally reaches up I will be strong enough to help him out.

     And I will tell him daily that I will love him enough for both of us till he learns to love himself again. That I will never blame him for having a disease that he cannot control. That I will never hold this against him. That I will be there. That I will hold on till he can. Because someone once did that for me, and it is what got me through. and because I love him, I love him come what may.

151. Maureen 8 Feb 2011 @ 6:09 am

     Wow, your insight is amazing.

     I suffer with depression and it is something I fight everyday. Some days I am really good and other days I want to kill myself. My depression came after the murder of my husband of 30 years. He was killed by his nephew who had a psychotic break, tried to kill himself but when my husband tried to stop him, the nephew thought he was the devil and told me he must be killed and stabbed him eight times in front of me. Then the neighbor shot the nephew and killed him also. I struggle every day trying to make sense of a senseless situation. If has been three years but I am still consumed by the pain. My doctors will not let me work and I feel I don’t have anyone to turn to. Today I wish I was dead and could stop all the misery.

152. james 8 Feb 2011 @ 12:30 pm

     Maureen, your story is horrific. What a tragedy. Our hearts go out to you.

153. Annabelle 9 Feb 2011 @ 12:00 pm

     I am senior in high school, and I have absolutely no idea how to help my friend who I think has serious mental health issues.

     We were best friends in middle school. During high school we grew apart as I made other friends, got involved, etc. But she still considers me her “best friend”. She is obsessed with getting into the perfect college (Harvard/Yale/etc) and joined a ton of clubs and took on way too much. At first I just thought the stress of all of her activities and trying too hard to be perfect was getting to her. But I started realizing that she was crying all the time, joining even more activities even though she’s already overwhelmed, having extreme trouble making friends, etc. when she should be enjoying senior year. She has made her entire focus appearing perfect and is putting so much weight on getting into prestigious schools that I am seriously worried what will happen if she doesn’t get into her “dream school”.

     Today I heard her crying in the bathroom after she WON an academic award… I worry that she puts so much on academics/college thinking it will help her feel “happy” but when it doesn’t, she just breaks down??

     After class when I asked her if she was ok she said she has been feeling really depressed and has been having trouble getting out of bed. I didn’t know what to say and just gave a generic answer of like, “Oh, it’s just senioritis, everyone wants to just graduate and have summer vacation already.” But now I am worried she thinks I blew her off….

     I am really worried but the thing is, being her friend all these years has completely worn me down. She has done a lot of hurtful things and a lot of times I feel she is just manipulating my emotions to get attention, etc., part of the reason we grew apart in the first place. I’m not sure I’m ready to be the “best friend” she needs, but I am really worried she has no support system.

154. Sol 11 Feb 2011 @ 10:27 pm

     Hi there everyone,

     Firstly, thank you everyone for all the comments, it was good to get some insight from other people’s perspectives on depression. Also, good that people can vent here. I am going insane with my loved one.

     So we have been together for around 4-5 years, since i was 19 and he was 21. He was my first boyfriend and I was the love of his life. For the last 4 years he has suffered from very bad depression. Although, I only discovered that this is what it actually was maybe a year ago. One of the first things that went, was our very avid sex life. He went from wanting me so badly to pushing me away and avoiding sex at all costs. When he would have sex with me it would only be to “make me happy” and seemed to never be about him…he hasn’t kissed me while having sex for years and refuses to. The other thing that really hurt me, was the pushing away, he would rather spend time with his “friends” than see me and when he would see me on our “date” nights we would just play playstation the whole night or sleep. He used to smoke marijuana like crazy, sometimes 5-6 times a day and even sells. He works extremely crazy, crazy hours as a chef and he say’s he enjoys it but i really think it’s an excuse to forget.

     One day while having a HUGE bust up, he told me that something had happened to him as a child and he would never, ever tell me what had happened to him and I was never to ask. To my mind, it seemed like he had been sexually assulted, raped, molested, not sure of the correct terminology. He told me he suffers from depression and had been to the doctor once before in his home country and that the doc had told him there’s noting wrong with him…and I was to never ask him to go to the doctor ever again.

     Since that bust up, he has tried to sort this “on his own”. He has admitted to having a problem, but won’t seek help. He went away to Indonesia last year for a month, to stop smoking, as you def can’t smoke there, and came back really happy and free. He hadn’t smoked for about 6 months and was definately having much more happier and positive days, although there were bad days but lesser. He was trying really hard and even talked to my girlfriends even though he knew they were not fond of him, for me. He would tell me he loved me again and send me sweet text messages and call…and now

     He has started smoking again and I really, really can’t understand why. He is un-appreciative, un-loving, un-attentive. He DOESN’T TALK TO ME. when we are together he tells me to be quiet and that i talk too much. I am at a loss. I love this guy so much, i feel that I can’t help him anymore, i am so hurt, so lost. And all my friends say that I am an attractive, smart girl and I can get others. When i was single, I had guys falling all over me, and yet I want to be with him. i feel betrayed that my friends would even think this. Yes i am young and attractive but i care about him and I really don’t feel like I am wasting my time. He is my life, my heart and soul…it pains me greatly to feel like everything could be lost…

155. victoria 19 Feb 2011 @ 6:17 am

     i dont know where to start. the day my best friend told me she had depression i didnt know what to say. i know along the way i said the wrong things..but things were good at first. so i thought. it got worse she started taking it out on me..but i never and still never even thought were not bestfriends anymore will ever get mad at her for everything she has done to me. i will always be there for her but she doesnt want me to be there for her anymore i think. we have classes together but no hello no nothing anymore. we used to talk all the time. i want that back. i know what she is now is only a mask. how can i bring out the old her. i miss it badly. nothing i do works nothing. being politle everything, offering advice etc. everything ive tryed even giviing space when she said she needs space. we got into fights but i never knew they had an impact on her. they were stuipd like texting a the word “k” and she would get mad. i dont know what to do. i dont want to lose her. she is so focus on school too that i feel forgotten. i really wana talk to her, but everytime i offer to talk to her she saids she busy. i miss her. we were best friends then we became friends now were strangers how do i make things better?

156. Wendy 11 Mar 2011 @ 12:49 am

     I think my husband has depression. Things have taken a bad turn in our life. We have a lot of debt and he has ended up with no job and doesn’t really have any friends. He is a very proud man and this has hit him very hard. He can’t admit what he is going through to anyone and prefers that we don’t talk to anyone about it.

     For the last six months he has been trying to stay positive but I watch every day as he sinks further and further into depression.

     I just don’t know what to do or say to bring him comfort. What is the best way for me to help him? I love him so much and hate to see him suffer in this way.

     I work full-time and worry about him when I am not there. I work from home on a Friday and this does seem to help raise his spirits but come Sunday night he sinks back again. I cannot bear to see him suffer like this. I do get very upset but try not to show it.

     He said last week that he feels as if he doesn’t exist and is not interested in anything or anyone. What shall I do? I know there are no magic words but I want to say things to him that will comfort and help him. Maybe it is time to see a doctor about it.

     Any advice would be gratefully received. I have never felt so useless to help someone.

157. anna 11 Mar 2011 @ 3:26 pm

     Hi Wendy,

     They are tough times for you both. You have all my sympathies.

     I’ll give you some thoughts in the hope they will give you some ideas.

     It sounds like a trip to the doctor would be helpful, but also maybe you need to put together an action plan with him for getting a job. I’m sure he is trying to find one, but if you work as a team it may help. Also, don’t forget to tell him how much you appreciate him. Be specific. For example, tell him you appreciate how much he looks after you when you are tired, or something like that. For someone who gets his self worth from his job this may help to rebuild his self esteem.

     Hope it all improves.

158. jarheadwife 24 Mar 2011 @ 3:05 pm

     How does depression come on with someone? Is it sudden or does it just hit like a ton of bricks?

159. RK 7 Apr 2011 @ 6:17 am

     I can explain the kind of relief i am feeling after getting to know that its not only me who is facing this worse situation of dealing with a partner suffering from depression. I want to help him but sometimes his negative thoughts overshadows my positive thinking and i feel helpless in cheering my mood up. This, in turn, affects him as my bad mood shows up on my face. I try a lot to be or at least show that i am happy in front of him, but i am unable to do it all the time. I think i need someone to share the problems i am going through. This would help me to help him in a better way but he doesn’t want any other family member or outsider to know about his condition. I need help….please advice,……. I love him and want to help him, but i feel so bad when i couldnt prevent myself from being sad in front of him..

160. WhatDoIDo 10 Apr 2011 @ 6:20 am

     I am a thirteen year old girl.My mom keep saying she is depressed. I know it’s mostly my fault. I have questions because I feel really bad about what I have done to my mom. I want to know if a depressed person knows they’re depressed. Can someone really diagnose themselves “depressed”. Will she let me help her even though I’m the cause of her depression? Last night after a fight between her and I she said that she was suicidal and on the edge.It scares me because she the person in my life i care about the most. I also feel bad because I think it isn’t fare because I hurt too. I’ve wanted to kill myself and I’ve hurt myself. It’s like she inconsiderate of me and my feelings. Even though I don’t think she can really help it. What do I do?

161. WhatDoIDo 10 Apr 2011 @ 6:33 am

     I forgot to mention that she also has a mental problem she won’t tell me about except for it makes her cry alot. family tell my that alot of are problem is that she “programed” her brain to think teenagers are horrible and It got really bad right before I turned thirteen and worse the night after my 13th birthday.

162. james 10 Apr 2011 @ 6:17 pm

     WhatDoIDo,

     Your situation is really awful. I feel so sorry for you.

     I want to explain a few things. When a person is depressed they can be very angry with other people and blame them for their problems. That happened with me when I was depressed; I blamed my wife for everything that was wrong. This was not the reality of the situation. It was the illness making me think she was making my life miserable, when in fact she was doing everything she possibly could do to help.

     The depression is probably making your mom say things that she wouldn’t even think if she was healthy. That is the illness speaking and it’s not your fault. It seems unlikely that you are the cause of her depression. Try really hard to not feel responsible. You obviously love her very much.

     Sometimes people who are depressed know that they are depressed; other times they won’t have a clue, or even will deny that anything is wrong at all.

     Do you have an adult in your family or a family friend who cares about your mom and who you can talk to about this? I think you need to get an adult who is close to your mom to get involved and help her access the help that she needs.

163. Michala 13 Apr 2011 @ 4:58 am

     I have been dealing with depression for the last couple years. The first time I realized I was at my all time low was right around Christmas time/New Years and I was extremely depressed enough that I couldn’t control myself in crying continously and nothing I did was working. I went to the doctor and got put on depression – come to find out I had to get off of the medication because I wasn’t able to be accepted by an insurance company because now I was a “threat”.

     I am at an all-time low right now. My boyfriend has been wonderful through all of this and even says things like “I will never leave you” “I am on your side” etc… But like someone else mentioned above I feel bad that I am putting him through this portion of my life. I was no where like this when we were first dating (a year ago) and it surprises me everyday that he has stuck by my side. My family is wonderful too, because my dad has depression and other forms of it as well. He has given me advice. It’s hereditary and honestly – it sucks!!

     I have never had the feeling where I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning – although I frequently have tough mornings where I am immediately down in the dumps. I try things to think positive – but it doesn’t always help.

     Lately – my depression is affecting friendships and I’m blaming them for things that I get upset about. Which now, after reading this information, I have learned that not everything is there fault – I am to blame as well.

     I’m extremely thankful I found this web-site to share with my boyfriend and family to help me. My friends are having a difficult time understanding me and how I am. No one is understanding what I am going through and I feel like I am at such a lower state than what normal people are dealing with??? Maybe I’m wrong!!

     Please, please, please offer me some advice!! I’m not sure what to do anymore. I am fearful of ruining my relationship with my boyfriend and it will devastate me!!

164. Fea 17 Apr 2011 @ 4:14 pm

     I need urgent help
     I am living abroad, visiting home for 3 weeks….1 week already gone!
     I am Mom to daughter with severe depression (has been for some years) and we all have been burring our heads in the sand, not knowing how to help and living abroad doesn’t allow for us to be there for her except by phone.
     She has 3 kids (one with a disability of his own)
     Her husband works long hours, the two days off a week is a constant battle for him.
     The whole family is depressed
     She developed epilepsy a few years ago. Her seizures get her down too.
     They live in a rural area so no supporting groups nearby and due to her epilepsy she cannot drive so is stuck and cannot join any groups.
     As we are here for only 3 weeks there is not enough time to help her except for taking the kids off her hands but that only allows her more time to spend in bed.
     I am taking her away for 2 days to spend time together before we have to leave again.
     I am sure, if I do broach the subject she will clam up, won’t talk, says all is fine.
     I don’t want to mention all the negative aspects of her life i.e. the unhealthy living conditions at home, her un-kept appearance etc as that, I think would just not be helpful.
     What can I do?? What can I say?? How can I help her??

165. Janaki 5 May 2011 @ 5:01 am

     Hi,

     I am writing this to bring back from sister from a Mental depression, she was depressed once she is out of college, I was being too close to her till I was getting involved in to my work. And I got a friend who is too close in my work place and he helped me and being a well wisher till now. But last year my sister was started blaming me and my friend for all her failure and she got a job because of my friend and she had some issues in the job and quit the job and telling me I made her to join that office to spoil her life, and she is telling so many thing which is not at all relevant to anything, and sometimes speaking to wall and after she was fighting with me ferociously
     Hence I left home staying in my friend’s home, but she started blaming my father for all her failure and telling him he is trying to kill her and to separate her from the family and after she left the home went somewhere else, but till now she is having issues with all of her friends and continuos the same thing, and on a shorter note, my mother also had this problem. Please assist me in getting back to her and I want settle her like I am not able to be happy, even I am having everything I need, but still she is not well I can’t be able to be happy.
     She is not with me or my family, my father is also scared to speak with her, and her friends also feels the same.

166. helpless both way 7 May 2011 @ 9:41 pm

     I have been through lots in my life personally from a parent dying at the age of 11, self abuse, substance abuse, rape, you name it i can say iv’e had my hand in it – almost. My biggest challenge over the last 6 years has been my relationship. I am 23 now and feel as though i could be fifty. A bright young aspiring actress. I have given up all of me and almost everything in my life friends and career wise.

     My partner has suffered severe depression/anxiety and this has been the most horrible feeling ever. On a daily basis i get to see a part of the young man i fell in love with, an aniety ridden person who can’t do the simplest of tasks such as get milk from a grocer, to a full headed abuse episode at myself threatening to punch my face in and just wacking me or hours of taunts of how shit i am as a person and telling me everyone thinks i’m anoying and why am i so confident? Truth is my self esteem isn’t so good. Every time i smile or laugh at st simple things in life i am questioned and tormented when an episode arises about how i can still be so happy?

     I cry almost every day now and i dont know how many years longer i can continue to suffer in my own way. The worse are these conspiracies that arise where i end up totally clueless about some plot i have against him. All i have ever wanted is to help so we can be happy again.

     Some days when the hours of abuse and telling me he wants t kill himself begins i sometimes think it would make me be able to live again. I feel like such a horrible person for thinking this. Even to write this makes me ill but i am just so lost for what i can do.
     Some days i think i am the one who needs help again.
     Oh and not to mention all the questioning about questions i have no answers to. Man when that starts i get so helpless because he gets sooo angry that i dont have the answer. I just want to scream. But i don’t. I never do.

167. Charlie 9 May 2011 @ 4:47 pm

     I found this site while browsing for articles about helping a depressed person.
     I have been married for four years to my high school sweet heart…and until recently I was convinced that we were happy. An argument led to my husband telling me that he was extremely depressed…and I am still trying to accept this in my mind. If you asked me two weeks ago what I thought of my marriage I would have described the picture perfect relationship because I always thought that we had that. I feel like such an awful person for not being able to tell that the man I love so much is suffering so.
     I sat down with him, and tried to talk to him about this. I asked when this started, if something had brought it on, and asked him to tell me how he was feeling. He refused to talk; he became angry and told me that he didn’t want to talk about it. I asked him how I could help him, and again he just told me that he did not want to talk about it. I felt like I had let him down, and I sat there wondering what on earth this meant for our relationship.
     I think that the worst feeling in the world is that of losing a loved one, and I have felt that way since he told me that he was depressed. He finally told me that he didn’t know who he was, and didn’t know what he wanted out of life. I asked him about our relationship and he shrugged, as if to say that he was unsure of that as well. I am heartbroken, I know this isn’t my husband saying these things but the depression, yet I feel like I don’t know the man I am looking at.
     We had recently talked about buying a home, staring a family, and he seemed so happy to look forward to life. Now he doesn’t say two words to me in a day and avoids me at all cost. I ask him every day, “how are you feeling today, can I help out with anything?” and the only response I get is, “no.”
     I have been reading up on depression, and most articles suggest seeking medical help. How do you get medical help for someone who won’t see the doctor to start with? Seeing a therapist is completely not an option according to my husband, and the idea of needing medicine only makes him more frustrated.
     Maybe I am not approaching this right, but I feel hopeless. I feel as if all I can do is keep smiling as I watch my marriage fall apart before my eyes without an explanation.
     I am going to keep hoping that this will pass over time. I haven’t told our family just yet, I am unsure of how he will take that.
     If he doesn’t want help, what do I do?
     I just feel awful watching him go through this, and not even knowing why.
     Any advice would be wonderful. Thank you.

168. Harrogate 13 May 2011 @ 5:15 am

     Lora Stillwell, I just read your post and as another carer of someone with depression, I can really see where you are coming from – it leaves me feeling so helpless (and hopeless) sometimes. People say how important it is for carers to ‘take time out’ and ‘do your own thing’, but even when I am doing this I am aware that he is still somewhere else, suffering. I’m faced with his anger and his sadness and I do not know what to say, even though i’m trained in mental health myself. It’s so painful knowing that I feel angry with him because of his condition, and because he won’t get treatment, while knowing at the same time he doesn’t deserve this anger and would never want me to suffer.

     It really surprises me that there are not more support groups for carers of people with depression. If anyone knows of any (online or in the UK) I would really appreciate the details as I want to be strong for my other half but am finding it so hard at the moment.

169. Jill 1 Jun 2011 @ 6:01 pm

     I have loved someone with depression for years…did not know that I was dealing with depression for the first 12 years of our marriage…thought it was something I was causing…well, that is what I was told, by my husband. After much therapy that I have gone through, to solve this, I am not sure I want to keep dealing with this. I sought the therapy…my husband won’t. I am not up for spending my time trying to deal with someone elses depression…when they won’t even acknowledge it. My kids don’t deserve it and I don’t, either….I love
     him but I want to have a normal life. And I deserve that.

170. Noelle Page 13 Jun 2011 @ 6:13 pm

     I was facing many issues all at once. Broken heart, overwhelming work responsibilities, family criticism and slander. It all became too much. I smiled, on the surface, and dealt with all issues. But on the inside, I was numb with pain and sorrow. Nobody really looked at me nor did they offered a helping hand. I was drowning and falling into deep depression. Nobody looked into my eyes. They were all blind or simply did not care. I read about depression on Internet. It is recorded as “mental illness.” What could be more depressing. I just wanted somebody to help me deal with my workload and give me a hug.
     Instead, I was being told that I am a superwoman and very strong. Nobody was leaving any room for me to be human. My family delighted in humiliating me at every turn. They have taken my life’s work and destroyed it. I was depressed. The image I’ve created was now killing me. I quickly dismissed my accomplishments, as I was convinced that somebody had to see the real me. The pain, desperation and fear.
     What helps depression is being loved and having somebody whom you can love. That’s where we get our strength. When people are constantly tearing you apart, it is hard to pull it all together. And when they see you crumbling, they’ll take away any power still left in you and will take delight in seeing you helpless.
     Find a friend who will understand you, so you will not feel so alone. You will regain yourself…even if it’s for just a little while. Do it little by little. Get away from your location of depression. Do not be alone. Do not share your depression with people who expect you to be “fun” all the time. They are not interested in you. Only in the fun that you contribute. Do not open yourself to “that’s crazy” reprimand. What you need is compassion. Do all you can to get out into the fresh air. Walk to the mail box. Drive to a nice spot. Get out of the house. Talk only to people who understand. You are not alone. You are brave to talk about it, and that’s a step toward feeling better.

171. dee 19 Jun 2011 @ 2:53 pm

     normal life? What is a normal life. Single parent for a long time, not fun. Plus Bipolar Depression last 7 years. Be grateful someone there for you.

     Other person in a marriage getting help for steps in helping the family is courageous. Keep up Jill. Make sure the depression is not due to drugs or alcoholism – be honest with your counselor. I will pray your husband receives help. Don’t give up. It is genetic or chemical imbalance.

     My son going thru depression and I am there for him even if he thinks otherwise or doesn’t think I understand. I have been there, I know. Just being there for him….

172. dee 19 Jun 2011 @ 2:56 pm

     Lora:
     We should start on online. E-mail me any time. I know it is difficult for you.

173. dee 19 Jun 2011 @ 2:57 pm

     Harrogate:
     We should start one online, depression support – e-mail me any time.
     I understand. healing can happen!

174. Sab.C 21 Jun 2011 @ 3:52 pm

     THANKYOU SOOOO MUCH!!! This has really helped me!!! I have recently been told by my friend, that he is depressed. I didn’t know how to act around him, and when he started pushing me away i got frustrated. Thanks to this site, and after reading some of the excellent comments, I now how to approuch the situation :) and have a much better understading of depression :)

175. Kaylanna 28 Jun 2011 @ 12:52 pm

     Im a teenager going through depression and Im giving my mom all the tools she needs to help me get the type of therapy that I need to feel better but she just ignores my feelings..

176. Maria 5 Jul 2011 @ 2:08 am

     Hello. I am new to posting online. This is my first time. I am so thankful for all the insight that your experiences have given me. I am currently in tears as I write this… part of them because I have finally come to accept (after reading your posts ect…) all the complexities of my fiance’s depression. I never thought depression was so complex. I work as a paramedic on a major city’s fire department so I deal with a lot of drama as well as many sicknesses, but again I never realized depression causes what I call his “Alter Persona.” Before I went thru the paramedic program I had a double major, one being psych. It is quite amazing that they never mention the “bi-polar” aspect of depression. Again I thank you all again for sharing your experiences. I’m still in the beginning of the learning process.

     So, here’s my situation and any and all advice would be helpful. My fiance is a paramedic also and wants to get on the same fire department as I am. He began the academy, but got kicked out about 5 months ago due to his grades. Since then he has been so difficult to be around. We live together and are planning a wedding in fall of this year. The night he was terminated he didn’t come home. He goes out to forget why he is depressed, then drinks to deal with his social anxiety according to him. In addition, he has “hooked up with” women from the bars then often drives home intoxicated. Some times he comes home in about 6am. That’s when he becomes verbally abusive at times. He is on 2 different meds. SInce I am a care giver by profession I really want to help him. I have allowed myself to become a “ball of tangled nerves.” I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him when he goes thru this. When he is hung over, depression really hits him. Often he puts up walls, turn into an uncaring, verbally mean person… nothing at all like his usual self. After reading these posts, I have realized I have not understood his illness. If anyone has insight/advice for me I would greatly appreciate it. In all sincerity I thank you!

177. 1LOVE 5 Jul 2011 @ 5:17 am

     I have a feeling my boyfriend is depressed and refuses to seek help. He is convinced that he can help himself but is getting worse. Im worried about him. He quits jobs and stopped going to school. He uses weed to escape. He would leave me, ignore me for days or weeks at a time then come back. Telling me the old him is gone and I should leave him because he’s such a disappointment and is only gonna hurt me. I suffer from low self-esteem so it’s been rough for me. It’s been very painful and I often think its me and not the depression.
     I was in the hospital and he couldn’t face me. He told me the thought of me in the hospital, he just curled into a ball and passed out. He told me I didn’t deserve this. Now he barley responds to me. He told me I should leave him because Im giving love to the wrong person. I just got diagnosed with lymphoma and he doesn’t even know yet. I know I will get through this but it doesnt make things easier. I don’t know how to deal with this. A part of me just wants to forget about him but when I calm down I know that I am his partner and I need to be there for him. I just don’t know how. Please Help!

178. Maria 10 Jul 2011 @ 12:33 am

     Hi.
     My friend tonight finally showed me a youtube link to a beyond blue advert about a girl who hated herself, hated her hair, her face, didnt have any personality and nothing makes her happy anymore. The girl in the Ad doesnt know whats going on with herself. Tonight my friend showed me this and told me that she wants to scream cause this is exactly how she feels. She then called herself a dickhead….. I want to help her, I have known that there is something wrong for a long time now, but she has always been shut off from me, she wouldnt tell me anything and tonight she finally came out. I want to help her. I have had deep depression myself, and i know what its like to go through, but i dont know how to help her personallly. I cant get her to open up to me fully and i dont know wht to say. Please help. She is an amazing person, and im soo worried because shes already harming herself.HELP!

179. Ellie anonymous 14 Jul 2011 @ 6:10 am

     All well and good. However, my experience is that friends aren’t there for those who are depressed. Everyone is too busy, no one wants to deal, and most people are more concerned about setting boundaries and effectively cutting the depressed person out of their lives in any meaningful way. It’s clear to me that I really don’t matter and people won’t be there for me. There’s no room for me in anyone’s life and not because of who I am (i’m only recently depressed, and depressed primarily because I came to the realization that people just don’t make room for others. There’s no real community, not many real friendships, and many selfish people. Friendship has become a commodity and everyone is out for themselves.

180. LizzieLou 26 Jul 2011 @ 9:41 pm

     My mum has severe depression, but also suffers from extream agitation. Im 16 years old, and im having to do all the housework now that i have left school. My mum has spent the last few months in a psychiatric unit to try and sort it out, but so far nothing has worked. We are going to Jamacia on Saturday and im really scared that she will be increadiably overwhelmed and wont be able to cope. When she gets into these periods of agitation i find myself completely helpless and i never know what to do to help. she paces or shouts or subconciously scratches her hands and arms. This has been going on for a couple of years now, and last year she even attempted suicide. I need to talk to someone who understands as she doesnt want me to tell any of my friends due to the obvious sterotypes and stigmas around.

181. Anna 26 Jul 2011 @ 10:31 pm

     Hi LizzieLou,

     I’m sad to hear that life is so hard for you and your mum. I think that you are right in needing to find support for you. Only when you are taking care of yourself will you be able to care for your mum. Have you thought about joining a carers group? At a carers group you will get support from people who are in a similar position to yourself as well as learn skills for you to help your mum. Alternatively, you could join an online support group. Have a look around until you find a group that suits you as they are all very different.

     Anna

182. Amber 29 Jul 2011 @ 8:56 pm

     Jill your comments ring so true for me. My husband has not been wonderful to live with for years. I have been forever trying to do what will make him happy and believing I am somehow lacking. We started a home improvement project and as things get tough he now comes out and says he’s depressed and needs help. I love him but I am so tired of giving. Now, it’s not just that I’m not getting a loving response, but I’m getting hateful meanness so I’m having a really hard time.

183. rosetta guzzi 1 Aug 2011 @ 10:28 am

     sad and confuse
     i’m maried for +20 years two mounth ago my husband went to the doctor he told my husband that he had tumor in his bluder thinking that he had cancer he come down with deprecion it is know 3 mounth and with all the med he taking it semed like he going deper and deper in i was just wondering is it normal for to seat on the soffa in the dark.
     please help!!!!
     .

     hua

     cancer since that day he has not been the same he seats on the soffa and he wont talk to me i been to the hocspital 5times evrytime we
     they tell us that he is depressed they give med and send us home

184. Tim 2 Aug 2011 @ 4:43 am

     these are very true statements they cant just snap out of it, its worse than any drug addiction. Because they have to deal with this life long. Its a chemical imbalance in the brain without treatment and support , it will resort in a very tragic outcome. i was an idiot and abandoned my wife in her time of need. She’s getting help and were going though a divorce. i have finally open my eyes to see the reality of it all. To make matters worse im also her best friend. Be the first to offer help and assistance!!

185. marie 10 Aug 2011 @ 1:47 am

     I suffered from depression four months ago and i guess i know how that feeling is like. My daugher suffered from depression too many years back. It’s will be helpful just being there for someone who is depressed. We used to travel by buses from one point to another whenever she is depressed. We don’t talk a lot..just being there for each other. Holding each other hand, hugging when she wanted..and assuring her frequently i love her no matter what will happens, i will be there for her. No lies, no promises, no feeling sorry for her..just silently accepting her. She is doing well now but once awhile, she will still look up to me to give her the assurance. I send phone messages to her every day to tell her i love her and let her know what a wonderful daughter she is and i meant it from my heart. I am recovering from depression caused by an over active thyroid which was earlier diagnosis as depression. With proper medication, i am slowly recovering. I felt very depressed and sucidal at times, but i am very lucky to have a good friend who was always there for me. People who goes into depression feels they are a burden to their loved ones and will drive their loved ones away thinking that will make the care giver feels better. Actually, i think it is desperate cry from them that they need the support more than anything. Looking at a positive way, i think depression do brings out the best and worst in a person. I find that after going through her depression, she has become a much stronger person and now she tells me there are lots of possibilities in life for her! I believe too, sometimes, we as sufferers should learn to help ourselves (even though i know how difficult it can be) cause loving oneself is perhaps the greatest love we can heap on ourselves. I always told her..do what you feel you want to do to make youself happy, it’s okay to love yourself and not to worry too much what others think. I wish you all good luck and good health!

186. USHA IYER 18 Aug 2011 @ 1:05 am

     it’s ok to write pages on helping depression; but when you are in it only god can pull u out

187. Jason 20 Aug 2011 @ 2:44 am

     I have had depression for 10 years now. Been on and off meds the whole time.
     For me it all started when we were expecting our first child and my wife was really sick the whole 9 months. I went into therapy and that did help me alot. Then it got bad again when we had our second child and my wife was sick again the whole time. Then about a year after our son was born I started to have seizuers and that made things worse for me. We had also moved in and out of my parents house twice because of all my problems. Then in Feb 2010 My wife comes up to me and says she no longer wants to be married and walks out on me and our children. So I have to deal with the divorce and raiseing both of our children since she only has visitation right to them. In all for me it has been one big nightmare for a long time for me. I have now gone back on to my meds and will be back into therapy again soon.

188. RGB 22 Aug 2011 @ 2:12 pm

     I hate to be a party-pooper, but having been bi-polar since 1991, and buying into the healthcare industry for the following 14 years, all I can say is if you want to feel “normal” then you have to do what normal people do. Eat well, get outside, make a schedule, clean yourself and your home, stay away from emotional triggers including unrealistic relationships, and quit being solitary or around other self-absorbed people (esp if you’re the sympathy type because misery enjoys company). And get to a qualified shrink, one with a Psy D or PhD or similar, preferably, that you can’t run rings around.

     Easier said than done. But how many times have you sucked it up in order to present yourself as “normal” in situations, say like at a job, party, doctor’s office, infront of police, or some other affair?

     So it’s quite do-able. It’s just easier to avoid the effort and keep making excuses. Sorry, I no longer buy into this disease as hopeless.

189. sara 22 Aug 2011 @ 4:49 pm

     Hi, im 16 and im a caregiver to my boyfriend of about two months. Ive known him longer obviously, and he suffers from depression. He recently attempted suicide an is in the hospital getting his meds and state of mind assesed, an i was just wondering, every post on this website relationship wise all say that the caregiver is either annoyed, or doesnt want to deal with the depression anymore. I believe i can be there for him and id never leave him because of what he cant control… Ive been through sort of the same thing he has, but his is on a much larger scale. I believe this will help me relate a bit and i just want to know if i have a chance of staying with this boy, and if a person with depression, who is on the right meds can live a somewhat normal life?

190. nikiha 26 Aug 2011 @ 4:32 pm

     Depression is all about losing control of yourself and your surrounding. Your life is very precious and you shouldn’t let anything ruin it. I know sometimes a situation becomes so terrible, then also you have to work it out for yourself and the person who love you. Sometimes sadness also comes to me and i fear “am i going to depression ?” the other moment my heart says no you are a strong gal and depression cant invade you. So again i rise for me and the people who love me. there is lots of love inside you and around you, recognize it and live it. You should take good things from others but never let the people or situation to let you to depression, be strong, love yourself, love everyone, everything and in return you will get lots of love which will help for the extinguishing deprssion fron this world. Stay happy and keep smiling. Every morning look at the mirror and say to yourself “i love you”, “You are the best” and see it really works. take care

191. nikki 28 Aug 2011 @ 6:17 am

     hi i wondered if anyone can give me any advice i have a sister who is really shy and recently i have noticed that she isnt eatin properly,she stays in her room 24/7 and doesnt leave the house unless im with her and she has recently started throwing her feaces out of her bedroom window i asked why and she said she doesnt like leaving her bedroom,i have tried on numerous occasions to try get her to go to the doctors and havent got anywhere im gettin worried now can anyone give me any advice please

192. james 28 Aug 2011 @ 9:51 pm

     This sounds very serious and I can see why you’re worried. Is it possible to call a mental health service or team to the house to see her? Perhaps a place to start is ringing your local hospital and ask them what services are available in your area for this kind of help.

193. nikki 29 Aug 2011 @ 3:59 am

     if i did phone them she wouldnt talk to them she only talks to me and my son she doesnt even talk to our own dad that much.i said to her if she doesnt stop she will have to go to the doctor because it isnt normal behaviour.do u have any ideas what it could be.

194. Jessica 31 Aug 2011 @ 2:02 pm

     My mother in law has been depressed for about 1 year now, she lost her son who was only 41 years old unexpectedly,thats when itstarted getting bad…….but let me start from the begining, I have been with my husband for 9 years now and she has lost 2 sisters, her brother, her brother in law, her son and she had to put down her dog (that was like a child to her) a month after her son died. We wil call her she does not answer the phone, she finally opened up to me alot tonight and I told her I will do anything to help her. She stayes in her appt. all the time when we have stuff planed she always cancels…what can I do for her?????please someone help…I don’t know how I would be after all the deaths she has had to go through, but she does have 4 other children that love her and try so hard to help her and she pushes everyone away….should we just go there and get her or talk to her even if she tells us not to, she admited that she is depressed and is on medication but was not taking it regulary and now she says that she is going to.

195. rob 1 Sep 2011 @ 1:56 pm

     Most thanks here go to everyone who wrote below and commented, i have a girlfriend going through depression (hence why i’m on this site) i’ve been there myself into depression, but her pain is absolutely destroying me and the comments put below and in the article have certainly given me things to think about and take with me into helping her further. Hopefully you have helped me help her – i could help but add my comment to say thanks (sorry if you actually read this the whole way through – i need to vent stuff)

196. Trudy Katona 22 Sep 2011 @ 6:38 pm

     My younger sister is bipolar. We were estranged for a number of years, during which time she was diagnosed. I have 3 sisters and one brother, and I was the closest to her. So the rift between us was extremely painful. We reconnected a year ago, and instantly became as close as ever. Right after our reconnection, her husband of 8 yrs walked out. He left her for another woman. She and her entire family thought they were very happy. Imagine the shock. And imagine what it did for her illness. She fell into a horrible deep depression. Here is what I have done for her.

     Her house was in a shambles. (one of the things her husband stated as a problem) She had birds at one time and they had not only used her home as a bathroom but tore several items to shreds. I knew that living in that environment had to be depressing in itsself. So I systematically started at one end of her house and worked my way to the other end, cleaning, scouring, and organizing the entire place. It was amazing what It did for her. ( not a cure of course) I continue to clean for her every week.

     She began having financial problems, as is common with bipolar people. So I did a budget for her. Organization is key. I keep an eye out to make sure she is staying on track.

     I check every day to be sure she is taking all prescribed med. Crucial! Also when I feel she is not doing as well as I think she should be doing, I make sure she has a scheduled appt with her shrink. A godsend.

     And I touch base with her each and every day. I want her to know that I am always here. There is nothing I would not do for her within reason.

     And yes, I assure her she is important to myself and the rest of her family. I would be devastated if anything were to happen to her.

     I cant stop her from overmedicating. But I made sure after her husband left, that all weapons were removed from the home. Better safe than sorry.

     I try never to push her to do anything. She cant cope with anyone nagging. That never works with anyone. But I encourage her to join me for walks or outings. She usually wont go, but she at least knows I value her company enough I want her to go with me.

     Above all: Love love Love

197. Wolf 23 Sep 2011 @ 9:35 am

     I’m so glad I found this site. I have fallen head over heels in love with an amazing man, who admitted, when we first met two months ago, that he had depression and was on meds. This last week he has been in what he calls ‘his dark place’ – or as Churchill said ‘his black dog’. It’s been strange seeing the man I know withdraw, become isolated, negative, distant but tonight he asked me to ‘consider, before we make any long-term plans, what his depression might do to our relationship’. Compared to some others on here I am lucky as he is self-aware and I know he is protecting my emotions before he does the ‘pushing away’ that seems so common.

     So I turned to the internet – to look for ‘coping with depression in my boyfriend’ and found this thread. It’s been invaluable. Even if I don’t actually know how to handle the situation, just reading all the comments has made me understand what he might be thinking and what he is going through.

     Right now, as of today, I feel like I could cope as I see a wonderful man who is so full of fun and life and love. But who knows what will happen two months/years down the line? I want to be there for him, to support and care, to love and nurture, but my own emotional well being is also important. That might sound selfish but I’m 37 with a small child so know that my number 1 priority is always to her.

     Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to post here – this is all very useful information.

198. niki 25 Sep 2011 @ 9:39 pm

     I’m like many others posting on this site dont usually leave posts on the internet, but i really need some input, and the people that reply genuinely care.

     I went to a small highschool with a boy who i am now going through my first year of university with. Hes the happiest, and the funniest person i’ve met in my life, or so appeared. We’ve been recently hanging out together during breaks at school, and texting. A couple days ago, we were talking through texts, and he completely opened up to me. He made me promise not to tell anyone, because even his best friend had no idea that he was completely depressed. He said that the only reason why he hadnt killed himself was because he “didnt even have the balls”. It was such a shock for me because he hid it so well. I feel that I am probably one of the only people that know about this maybe apart from his mom. I suggested that we should hang out, and he seemed to think it was a good idea, but im not sure im prepared. I’m just going to learn about him, and try to figure him out. Maybe he just needs a friend that understands him on a deeper level?

     If you have any suggestions i will appreciate it soo much. These posts are touching and have already helped me out. It really moves me that so many people care about one another, and take the time to get help for them, and share their experiences.

199. wstcstskirmish 1 Oct 2011 @ 12:53 pm

     I’ve been with my wife for ten years and I have tried everything, I’ve now given up. I can’t see the point if she doesn’t want to help herself for any reason. If someone pisses in my Cheerios, I get another bowl. Everyday above ground is a good one. I think I’ve been just wanting to have a relationship with someone who is just fine with themself and the world at large. Someone please find the words to help me find the courage and strength to either keep on or move on.

200. Danielle 8 Oct 2011 @ 9:08 am

     I don’t post my personal life on the internet, and I don’t expect much. I read a few posts and find myself thinking that maybe my boyfriend whom I hope someday I can proudly call my husband may have some continuing issues of depression. We both come from divorces with children, yet in the aftermath of both our own healing from those ordeals we were able to rekindle the love that we had when we knew each other from high school. I felt an ‘inner’ calling that he needed me…and so after living thousands of miles away, I picked up everything I had and moved to be with him. Now only a few months shy of living with him…It has been revealed to me that the love of my life is not happy. He has reassured me that he loves me and is so appreciative and happy i am here..but in general he says that the weight of his past, the fact he doesn’t see his kids daily,and the stress of his job are just some of things that makes him feel so unhappy. He worries that he will never be happy or that he can’t ever be optimistic again. It is like he has lost his ability to dream, to enjoy his life….and it saddens me so deeply. I went through a depressing spell with my own divorce, but with counseling I healed. Seeing the man I love so much describe his unhappiness…reminds me of what I was feeling during my own depression. I feel Iike I want to save him…but I know that everyone will say…you can’t, only he can save himself. I think sometimes he feels he is not deserving of happiness, not deserving of love or that his life can improve,yet in the midst of his thoughts..he did reach out for me. I continue to reassure him on a daily basis how I am here to listen and help him in any way and how much I appreciate him. I’ve never had to live with or deal with someone else being or feeling so unhappy before. I try to make him understand that he can not dwell and continue to be sad about things he can not change, but that all he can do is make the best of what he has now. I wonder if anyone out there has any suggestions for me to help get my boyfriend come to peace with things that can’t be changed or undone, and to be able to accept that happiness can and does exist.

201. Helpless 8 Oct 2011 @ 11:03 pm

     I looked on this site to find help for my sister. This summer, her best friend jumped in front of a semi truck with the words on her suicide note, “it was time”. And before that, she was on the phone with her saying that “i love you and im very sorry but i just can’t take it anymore”.
     It wasn’t a complete shock, i hate to say it. She had suffered through her depression for a few years but it was still very hard. After she died, my sister got to thinking about what was on her mind when her bff jumped. She thought about her pain.
     And started cutting. And developed symptoms of bipolar. And starving herself because thats what her friend did.
     I didn’t realize that she was hurting that badly until i was told about her arms by a teacher who had seen them. I didn’t know what to do. So i confronted her about it. And she told me why she does it and that she’s getting better. I belived her and i don’t think she told the truth.
     My best friend also has bipolar symptoms and has started cutting herself because my sister does.
     I don’t know what to do.
     But one thing they tell me is that i will never understand thier pain and if i dwell on it, i will become depressed too. I need some help!

202. Helpless 8 Oct 2011 @ 11:09 pm

     I know I’m not the most experienced with this, i probably need more help with this then anyone else but one thing that i do know is LISTEN. They will tell you eventually about thier pain and if you start crying, they’ll feel bad and/or yell at you. So listen, and ask them if they know how you can help them. And don’t ever be mad at them. They will crawl deeper and stop talking to you.
     I need advice on what else to do.
     Should i tell on them even though they will hate me for it.
     Oh and for good measure, my sis is 18, and my friend is 15.

203. RPM 10 Oct 2011 @ 10:54 pm

     I am slowly on the mend.

     I have accepted that I have been dealing with depression for longer than 10 years. It has came to a head in the last 12 to 18 months.

     To most people I would seem to be a ‘Jack the Lad’, I now know that this was a coping mechanism to help me deal with some of the incredibly cruel things that have been thrown at me over the years.

     I also know I use this to prevent others from knowing enough about me in order hurt me.

     My persona is a layer of protection.

     I am an incredibly private person, and I know people close to me (there are not many) find it tough to deal with.

     I am highly intelligent and solve problems very quickly. My impatience when people could not catch up troubled me deeply, though I never verbalised it.

     I fret about poor manners and expect high standards of myself. Unfortunatly, not everyone has the high moral code that I apply to my life and actions. I find this tough to understand.

     I still carry around a heavy burden of guilt for actions against others, most people would perceive this to be minor. I think it’s a big deal.

     I question my judgement, even though I know it’s right and proper.

     I had trouble sleeping, I used to have a highly developed sense of ‘deja vue’. I had carried out the following days tasks the night before. I had encountered the challenges, solved the propblem in my sleep, so when it came to the daytime, there was no stimulus.

     I used alcohol as a sleeping pill, fortunately beers and lagers and not strong spirits.

     A can of beer is the only trigger that my mind and body uses as a switch to relax.

     I have been very fortunate to have been referred to an excellant shrink who has been out of this world. I was seeinghim every week, now I go periodically. I find his support invaluable.

     I cannot see me living the rest of my life with seeing a shrink once every six months. It’s the only true personal honest spaces I have.

     Like many of you, I was and still feel incredibly islolated and alone, even though I am a young married man with a child.

     My wife is superstar, I would have left me by now. Yet, she seems to hang in there and say the right things and tell me off when I need it.

     I live a long way from my parents, but they have been very supportive.

     In social situations, I feel like I am looking from the outside in. It’s not as bad as it used to be.

     I am involved and committed to a sports club (martial arts) and these guys have been great and very supportive.

     When I was getting the adrenaline rush from my AD’s, my instructor would take the hits I was dishing out, never allowin gme to lose control or focus and to prevent others having to manage it.

     I will always thank him for that. He must have been black and blue, mind you so was I. The only emotion I could feel was pain.

     I have tried to be very honest and upfront about what is going on, whether I am or not I do not want to be seen to be ashamed of what is happening to me.

     I feel my honesty in some cases, has backfired and is being used as an excuse to punish me. In hindsight, I would not have shared so readily.

     I have been off the AD’s for a coulpe of months now, and feel ok.

     I have took the chance to write some of this down, not for comment, but for my own benefit.

     If I see it in print, I can deal with it.

     If it helps someone to help themselves or others, all the better.

204. Danielle 11 Oct 2011 @ 12:34 am

     I am comforted to know that we are not alone in this world, and that so many are going through the same things I do, or have similar feelings. I find so many wonderful fine qualities about my boyfriend…whom suffers from bouts of depression. The fact that he is opening up to me about the pains of his past and occasionally shares with me current things that bothers him…tells me he is making effort to reach out for my help. I find that I have to be very careful of my choice of words. I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing that will make him feel more overwhelmed than he already is. I don’t want it to escalate into a situation where he pushes me away, cause this would hurt me greatly. Ironically he is helping me when I am down. When it seems like I have too much on my plate…he knows just what to say or do for me to ‘snap’ me out of my worrysome state. I share and feel his pain and sorrow and his worries. I think he feels mine too. In part, to me, this just describes part of how deep our connection and the importance of it to each other is. Another comment…noted to Listen. I agree, listening to each other….then just take a deep breath..absorb what they have said before you respond is a good idea. I have become a better listener and my boyfriend actually is helping me become a better person period. I thought I was this excellent communicator…when only after a few short weeks…I realized…gosh..I really don’t communicate well at all. The musician Rihanna notes on one of her songs..’life is too short to be sitting around miserable’. It’s hard not to be…when around us negative things lurk. We all struggle to obtain the ‘ideal’ life…or our concept of what ‘ideal’ is. I’ve learned to accept that I can’t have everything I want….but I can still chase the dream and try to get close to it…and the effort and experiences along the way are worth the battle. So I say….Battle the bad with every breath you got. I battle every day. Some days I win the round, other days I don’t. To be continued…

205. Sue 12 Oct 2011 @ 2:50 am

     Hi there, first off i would like to say thank you to all of you who posted information as I am not battling with depression personally however, someone I know is and i have learned a great deal on this illness through your comments.
     I was in a long distance relationship with someone who after a month or so decided to inform that she had been taking anti depressants for over 20 years. I would have never guessed it initially as she seemed to be functioning quite normally.
     After a few months i did observe questionable behaviour as far as indecisive, bad body image and self esteem issue’s. Not that im condoning her behaviour however, she finally opened up somewhat to me and indicated she has self harmed herself and had suicidal thoughts related to abuse and not ever feeling loved and as a result has no idea how to be in relationship wth someone, as she has alway ran from getting close to others. I really love this woman and i realize i can not “fix” her, however, its really difficult standing by and not being able to do anything.
     I have managed to still be on talking terms with her. I really wish i could do more and let her know that im willing to support and understand her illness and not hurt her or walk away from her like she thinks everyone will do anyways.
     Its very frustrating for the person without the illness and to the person battling the depression.

206. elizacook 12 Oct 2011 @ 5:58 am

     Hi I am so glad I have come across this site. My boyfriend is suffering with depression. I have been done everything possible for him in the last few months and suddenly he has turned against me saying he wants space and wants room to breath. I realise now that the man I love is still in there and maybe I am the selfish one why keep on at him all the time thinking my threats to walk or that i dont love the person he is now will make him think. All i am doing is pushing him further away everyday. Why dont I stop thinking about myself and realise he is suffering with a serious illness and that he needs my support whether it be a hug, a shoulder to cry on or simply just to take his anger out on. It is so hard watching the man that you love change into a stranger. I dread him coming in on a night from work because the man that walks through the door is not the man I fell in love with. But he is still in there somewhere and maybe me putting up with his erratic moods for a few months of our life together is alot less pain than what he is feeling. Lately he says he just feels numb and that nothing matters to him. He doesnt care that his hair is falling out or that he has wore the same shirt for work for 3 days, so what gives me the right to think he should be there for me and make sure that I am ok. I have been so inconsistant with him. Yes i will be there for you, no I cant cope with you. He is already all over the place, maybe my stupid attitude is making him worse. I have supported him through a lot over the last 3 years and because he doesnt show that he needs me like he used to does not mean that deep down he doesnt need me to be supportive. Reading all the messages on here i agree it is hard being there for someone with depression as you still have the same feelings and your day is still the same,but how bad must it feel to wake up in the morning and have had 4 or 5 nightmares in the night then not be bothered to wash,brush your teeth and watch your hair fall out because you feel so anxious. My boyfriend is staying at his mates at the moment because he doesnt ask questions. He says me bombarding him with questions about how do you feel today? Are your tablets working? Do you want to go for a drink? just do not help him. He says he loves him home and he loves me but i am pushing him away with my constant nagging. I know that I do it and when I read the things that people have wrote I think I need to get a grip and realise that the man I love is still there and by allowing him to sit in our bedroom for 5 hours while he loses himself in a computer game isnt really a bad thing. If that what he wants to do what gives me the right to tell him to come and sit downstairs with me. I ask him everyday if his feelings have come back or does he still feel numb to everything around him. I need to stop!!! I need to get on with my life but make sure i am constantly there for him in the way he wants me to be. Lay off the texts the phone calls and the constant questions and wait. Thank you everyone who has posted on this site, been a really help.

207. Danielle 12 Oct 2011 @ 6:39 am

     To elizacook – I feel and see what you are going through and I realize too that your only trying to help, trying to do anything possible to ease his pain and his suffering. I know that if he asked you to tell him you love him every minute of every day you’d do that if asked…cause it appears to me that you do care. you have a right to want to be loved and supported and cared for and of course us women are rightfully deserving of those things. unfortunately when we love someone with depression..we take on their illness too. We are a part of it…whether we like it or not. So in reality you are taking upon yourself some of his depression too..without even knowing that you are. I think that maybe giving him just that space as hard as it is….I mean really hard..cause I know exactly what your saying when you ask him questions about how he’s feeling and stuff..its not to be nagging, its just your way of caring. What I found that worked for me, is just saying…I’m here if and when you need me and then I walk away. I have found that in time and extreme patience..that he does come around. If it only starts out being like 5 or 10 minutes..it is a start. The only other things I say is …I love you and appreciate you. That’s it. If you find something that he enjoys..plug into that. Find his strengths. At night when I go to bed…I look at the man across from me and I think…how blessed I am to be in his life this moment and him in mine regardless of what he is going through. Let the day go, let the stress of that day just wash away. I start each morning fresh and just take a deep breath. It seems like you already know the answers…so trust your instincts. He will come around.

208. elizacook 13 Oct 2011 @ 9:41 am

     Hi Danielle. Thank you so much for your kind words. I was so happy to day as he said he was coming home tonight. I feel like i unfortunately ruined that. I phoned him on my lunch today and he told me he was staying out again the weekend and he was coming home tonight to just go to bed. I started getting defensive and longing for the man i once knew. Within 10 minutes he told me he wasnt coming home and I was pushing him to the point of no return. I have since spent my day in tears and feel so unhappy. If I could turn back the time I would never have phoned him. I just wanted to hold a normal conversation with him. I start off ok then start to ask him if he has someone else. He gets so angry with me for asking these questions. I dont know why I do it. I have had a lovely evening at my friends house and she has said leave him along like he has asked and he will return home tomorrow like he said he will. I know I need to do that but the pain of my memories kill me more than anything. I remember the man he was and just how happy he used to be. I believe deep down he needs me and I know he is a poorly man. I have made a promise to myself not to text or phone him and wait for him tomorrow night with a smile on my face. It may be false but having him back home with me nobody how distant he is must be better than this.I know I may have months of this. Its so hard for all involved. He has an illness he cant control and i still have all the feelings for him that I had the day I met him.

209. Robin 15 Oct 2011 @ 3:01 pm

     THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!!!!!! I am just beginning work on healing my depression following a full-blown breakdown accompanied by a TIA (essentially a short-lived stroke), and will soon be figuring out how to share this invaluable counsel to those with whom I communicate most often. Thank you, thank you!!

210. DA 25 Oct 2011 @ 12:03 am

     I’ve been married for four years and have a lovely wife and beautiful young daughter. But my mood tends to dip when my mother-in-law is around, which is quite a lot due to a breakdown in her own marriage. It’s as if I can’t help myself since I feel my every action is being monitored in my own home by a woman other than my wife, and it’s got to the point where my moods are negatively affecting my wife and I wish that wasn’t the case. I really do. I don’t want my child growing up in a home where Dad is the grouch, but that’s exactly what I’ve been for most of the past year. My wife is very, very close to her mother – she’s told me she can’t see any flaw in her mother, so I am effectively under the same roof for most of every year with God. I am therefore bound to fail. How can I not? I’ve been to a Counsellor regularly, and I’ve found the benefit of talking very helpful most of the time, but I feel no closer to finding a way to regulate my mood, no matter how hard I try. My mother-in-law is the ultimate authority as far as my wife is concerned – what she says and does goes. And don’t get me wrong – she’s a good person, but I’ve seen more of her in a year than most sons/daughters-in-law see of their MIL in five to six years. And I think I’ve had enough of it. Her being around so much, and the constant allying which my wife does with her (blood’s always thicker than water) has got me to the point where I feel I would be better off leaving my marital home. I have no interest in other women or anything of the sort, but I’ve had enough of feeling bad, of being made to feel small and of making life uncomfortable for other people. Is it better to be a good every second weekend Dad or a down in the dumps, day-in, day-out father in the same company as a dominant matriarch? I do not wish to be a part-time Dad, but don’t see how I can retain my sanity without doing so. Suggestions?

211. Debbie 26 Oct 2011 @ 9:09 am

     Hi….I am in an intimate relationship with a 57 year old man who has been struggling with depression. I have been seeing him for about a year now. He went into a really bad spell about 10 months ago and I thought he would do major harm to himself. He had a bad divorce and children were involved and that was about 11 years ago. I am an RN and a friend, but we ended up being intimate. He has told me numerous times that he does not want a relationship and nor do I…I just divorced a year ago. We get together on his terms when he is in the right frame of mind. I love getting together with him and I try to bolster his spirits with all the right words and phrases. I do not expect overly much from him. Like the above stories he goes to work and that is about it. I managed to get him into my Doctor when he was at his lowest and he is now on Wellbutrin, going to work and not missing much time. A great number of times he has pushed me away and not wanted to get together. I have a difficult time with rejection and have to tell myself that it is the depression. I am not someone who wants to walk away from him, but is there a time when one should? I care very much for this man. Everyone in his life have walked away. I am not searching for marriage and have told him this. Do I deal with my rejection differently and respect his down times? I worry sometimes about adding to his depression if I get angry….which I never have ever….I sometimes cry and I know that does not help. Has anyone had to leave someone they cared for or do I hang on and help? I have offered to just be a friend and not be intimate, but we both know that will be impossible. Does anyone have any advice at all for me? Even a similar story would help. Thank you so much

212. Debbie 26 Oct 2011 @ 9:34 am

     Hi again, I need to add a little more to the above post!! All of our friends think I should run and not walk away from this man….they think he is using me for the sex and company and it is apparent to them that it is only on his terms. Is he using me or is this the depression? To add I am very confused and don’t know what to do. Once again thank you, Debbie

213. Rachel 2 Nov 2011 @ 12:12 pm

     My best friend has depression, I hate seeing her upset and sometimes I don’t know what to do or how to help. And sometimes there is nothing I can do. I came to the conclusion that all I can do it stay by her side, give her a hug, and a reassuring smile. I worry about her because she’s secretive and cuts. She takes medicine to help her depression but lately it doesn’t work. It’s been weeks and she gets worse and worse everyday. Seeing her hurt makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, but I have to stay strong for her. No matter what.

214. Rich 9 Nov 2011 @ 2:39 am

     I must just say that this is a great thread to read. My girlfriend suffers from depression. It has not been prominent in our relationship until recently, but it has not slowed my love for her and how much I want to be there.

     She does try push me away a lot, and I do not know how to handle this all the time, so reading these comments has helped a lot.

     I have made some of the mistakes mentioned, but I am trying to be very mindful of the fact that I can say something very small and turn her day from good to bad. I do not always get this right, and it affects me terribly, as a minute after saying something I realise it was the wrong thing, and I suddenly see what I should have said instead…

     However, I feel much more equipped after reading this.Thanks to all the contributors above, you have all helped so much!!

215. Concerned Friend 11 Nov 2011 @ 2:58 am

     This has been a very helpful blog for me. I am trying to determine whether or not I should try to help a dear friend, or even if I am the best person to help. I am aware depression hits people differently but I am hoping someone can share their experience with me. In 2005 my best friend of 19 years completely isolated herself from me (said she wanted me out of her head) and said that she needed a year or two to collect herself and that she didn’t want to be a burden. After a few emails back and forth, it was clear she wanted no help from me. So now, 3 years later her daughter asked that I surprise her at dinner one night and intuitively I knew that was a bad idea but I agreed to start communicating with her again, which I did. It’s only been a month and I see her depression still very strong. I am afraid my reappearance may have made things worse. I am by no means perfect but I know that I remind her of what she (thinks) she wants in life, her past mistakes, and the other people she isolated. She has a lot of hate, resentment and jealousy (these are her words) and doesn’t know how to “fix” it. I also know that until I came back into the picture she was doing better, she found hobbies, new friends, she travels. In the past she got very upset for suggesting she was depressed and suggesting a few books she might relate to. So here I am now, wondering if I should go see her, what to say if I do, am I just making it worse?? Thoughts anyone?

216. Danielle 12 Nov 2011 @ 4:41 am

     Well here I am again. The first words out of my boyfriends mouth when I came down stairs in the morning to greet him..was…” I need to go see a doctor…i’m tired of living this way.” He sits at a table with a coffee in his hand and all I want to do is hold him and help him. I look into his eyes and I see the pain inside, I see a man that just wants answers. He keep saying..i wish there was a book that could tell me what’s wrong with me. He says..I’ve been on medication for anxiety..but the doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with me. Easier for them to just prescribe something…but it doesn’t help. My boyfriend physically feels ill getting up in the morning, trying to do all he can to go to work in a job he truly hates. At first..I thought he was like anyone else that dislikes their job..with the stresses that comes with sometimes. More and more..though…how he described his mornings, I began to see it was more than that. I feel helpless. I feel like all i want to do is become this PH.D expert on depression so I can heal him, and help him. I want him to be happy and feel happiness again. He says…all I want is to just be happy, but when I come home I feel mentally and physically just drained and I have nothing left. He says..I deserve better than this. He doesn’t understand that I am patient, and caring..and to me he is worth the wait…and I will do anything in my abilities to stand by his side through all of this..if in the end he finds happiness. I feel like I am slowly starting to share his depression and feel his pain too. He is the most loving and caring person I have ever known and when he holds me close I think to myself…when I die…I want it to be just like this. With tears welling up..he says…It’s been so long since I’ve been happy…where I can get out of bed refreshed. It breaks my heart as I say to him hugging him…” I will stand by you,do anything for you and I love you” I know that he knows I will..but inside he knows I can’t fix him and he still is searching for that ‘fix’. I do not try to analyze him,question him, or push him to share. I find the best medicine is just to reassure, be there and hold him when he needs me. This seems to comfort him the most. hang in there elizacook..it can get better. have faith.

217. Concerned about a friend 16 Nov 2011 @ 5:33 pm

     I met a new friend about 3 months ago. At the time she seemed upset about a break up but I didn’t think much of it but now I am realizing that she is actually depressed and is constantly pining away about the guy.

     I asked her if she would get some therapy but she is adamant that she won’t because about 10-15 years ago she saw a therapist and it didn’t help her. Moreover she felt at that time that her family was pushing her away and forcing her to just see the therapist and keep away from her. As I suggested therapy this time she broke down that I am trying the same thing as everyone else and am trying to push her away.

     I tried to contact the guy she broke up with but he doesn’t want anything to do with her and is not even willing to talk or give her closure. He even threatened to get the cops involved if I contacted him again and me being locked up is not going to help anyone.
     I did this without her knowledge so she doesn’t know this happened. I am wondering if telling her this will help her change her opinion about him and get some closure or if I should just keep it to myself. She may ask me to contact him and I am not sure what to do if that situation arises.

     I will be meeting her in a few days and I am not sure what can I do. I talk to her every night about everything. She seems to constantly talk about the breakup but after a while I think it wasn’t healthy for her to keep talking about it so I try to actively change the topic and she plays along for the most part.

     I want my friend to be well again and look to the future with a little optimism. Any advice would be appreciated.

218. Danielle 17 Nov 2011 @ 1:42 am

     I don’t know why I come back to this blog, but I think it helps me cope. It’s hard for me to see the love of my life not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Today I sorta took it personally. I wanted him to go to a local town cafe to just have coffee…just because I guess I wanted to show him off a little. That is how proud of him I am, and how much I love him. I just want others to see us as a couple and I thought it would help him get out of bed or do him some good to have some fresh air. Of course I am dissapointed and sad that he won’t come. I read into things like….that he doesn’t want to be seen with me or have others see that we are a couple…but I really don’t think that is it at all. I think that it is because of his depression. I have been used to doing things alone for several years now so I guess I am programmed to not let this bother me. That’s all for now.

219. Sammy 17 Nov 2011 @ 2:10 am

     My hubands friend died a few months ago and he is struggling he was talking about suicide last night and is distant with me and is taking everything out on me i dont know what to do any advice please help
     Sammy

220. amy 17 Nov 2011 @ 2:00 pm

     this for paul you wife may have been depress before your child was born worsen after she suffer from post pardon depression the best help is walk it off, dont get lazy you body wont wear down this way. she may want to talk but dont force her to, i know this from experience there will be a point she will break out of this. but its a hard difficult road but NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

221. amy 17 Nov 2011 @ 2:07 pm

     sammy
     make sure u watch the sign for suicidal giving stuff away ect.. get him to distrack himself. go walk often dont pressure him to talk. get him med it may help. but mainly excersise help i dont mean work out either got for a walk each night for half hour. dont let him sit there and wonder make sure he knows your there to support him. he may feel alone unwanted useless which is not the case. but if he wants to talk liscend and dont put him down be very supportive, he will be moody angry weird outburst out of his norm its to be expected but he NEED HELP find out why he feels this way see if he open up to but dont force it either. get to see a doctor they take 6 weeks to make full effect but u should see a difference within 2 weeks. Good luck and dont give up, he break threw when he does DONT PUT HIM DOWN OR JUDGE HIM EITHER OR PITTY HIM THAT THE WORSE YOU CAN DO.
     good luck hope it helps but keep a close eye to him dont leave him alone too long if you think hes gonna be suicidal change lifestyle can help and enviroment or can be some peers too as in negative ppl

222. amy 17 Nov 2011 @ 2:10 pm

     oh anger is one of the side effect of depression get to meet knew ppl its hard i know. but dont make my mistake dont ignore the sign informed yourself of symptom of depression and major sign o depression. one clue he give away his most important possetion hope this help

223. amy 17 Nov 2011 @ 2:15 pm

     about your friend and the break up get her out go to a movie change her mind keep her distracted dont force her to talk to a shrink tell her to go see her physician see if he can give her med to ge-ive her a bost but change her enviroment and lifestyle will help her alot

224. Concerned about a friend 17 Nov 2011 @ 4:39 pm

     Thanks for your response Amy. Problem is that I live in a different state. Her friends around her aren’t helping much it seems.

     I am not forcing her to see a shrink. I do ask her to incorporate changes like hikes or walks and healthier food but she is resistant to it … which is probably expected, I guess. She has been down for a few months now and is just not getting much better. I think I will take a week off and visit her but I am not sure if it is such a good idea … I don’t want her to nose-dive again after I leave.

225. mf 19 Nov 2011 @ 12:35 am

     My fiance had uterine cancer and a history of some depression. Despite the uterine cancer, we got pregnant. She was from England and I from California where we lived together. She went back to england once pregnant and in a short few weeks broke up with me. Pregnant with my child, wearing my ring, fighting cancer, she told me what a let down I was and that she couldn’t count on me as I tried to figure out how to move to england with no legal ability to work there so I could be by her side. “Leave me alone.” was her only solution as I begged her not to alienate me. She refused any contact through her entire high-risk pregnancy and even forbid me from attending the birth. as I begged for her to include me in the events, it drove her further away. After the baby and she were safe, I asked again to be included (for our child’s sake.) Refusing mediation, insisting that the courts would decide what role I could play in our son’s life, I filed court papers in England and did as she asked. She has now skipped our court hearing, but agreed that I should be allowed to spend time with my son…under her strict supervision though, as she has never been away from him for even a few minutes. he’s 7 months now and I’ve only got one picture she was finally willing to send. A mediation scheduled for next week will be the first time we’ve seen each other in over a year. She’s told child/fam services that she’s been diagnosed with depression and that she holds me responsible! She was on anti depressants before we ever met and during our romance while fighting cancer. She revealed that she was deathly afraid that i would try to take our son from her. i reassured her I would never dream of it, but that she needed to finally begin including me in his life. Any advice on how to help her stop alienating me? Its an incredible struggle. I’ve always been sweet to her but she treats me like garbage and makes decisions no one can understand. Everyone thinks she’s just a huge A-hole but I know she must be struggling. I tell her I mean her no harm but her only choices seem to be isolating herself and telling me to leave her alone over and over. She might crawl out of her shell now that courts are involved in making sure our child gets to have a loving father (even if I live in Cali) It seems just too much for her to bring herself to do the “Right thing” she clearly knows…I’m struggling with tears and depression ever since she ended it a year ago and alienated me from her pregnancy, the birth and now his first 7 months. It’s so frustrating,I get angry and exhausted and cry all the time, have lost lots of weight, etc. Now my friends worry about me!
     mf

226. Eng eng 20 Nov 2011 @ 12:02 am

     Hi, just call me Eng(not my real name), i will try my best to express myself in English, Thank you. I can’t read all of your comments. I just read some comments in random, comments that really strikes me. I am 27 male, i guess i have this kind of illness, let me share what are my daily routine with this kind of depression. I can’t sleep at night most of the time, i am just lying in bed staring at the ceiling and not even aware how long i stared at the ceiling. During those moments i am just thinking about my life, chances that i’ve wasted, my failures, and problems. Anxiety, i think this is the brother of depression, i always feel so worried, even though i know there is a solution on a particular situation. Pessimist, it did kill myself confidence to do good, to create good ideas and visualize things. I just found out that during this kind of depression, i always make impulsive decision, which leads me to resigning from a company without making sure that i will have the next job once i resigned, this was what really exactly happened to me, i made many bad impulsive decision. And i’m just staying at home for several months now, and i’m just connected with few friends that i know i can deal with, but i am still in denial on what i’ve been going through. Health checking, i am under weight, because i don’t eat to much, sometimes i lose my appetite, and even worst i sometimes skip meals. I also feel some body cramps. I always think about what people say about me. i always feel that they have their eyes on me and that’s why i always hide myself if there is a chance. Once i failed to hide myself, i always smile at them so that they will not have any idea what i’ve been going through. Selective memories. i am not sure if this is an advantage or not, but i can still remember events, first and last name of a friend or classmate in 1st grade or past several years, my teachers, most of them, but it always lead to regretting those past with those people and fantasizing something better should have happen that is more beneficial to me. What i am trying to do now since i found out that i just have a mild depression but i have no basis on that, thank you for sharing you experiences here, I WILL ALWAYS TRY TO OPEN UP AND NOT HIDE MYSELF, I WILL ALWAYS TRY TO NOT TO SEPARATE MYSELF FROM MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND ALWAYS DO GOOD THINGS EVERYDAY. I AM STILL DISCOVERING THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY FOR ME TO DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF DEPRESSION, I WONT TAKE ANY DRUGS BECAUSE I DO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS STILL SOME OTHER OPTION, I JUST HAVE TO BE MORE VIGILANT TO WHAT IS COMING IN IN MY MOUTH. I WILL ALWAYS HAVE FAITH IN GOD, HAVE FAITH IN ME, AND TRUST ALL THE PEOPLE AROUND ME, BECAUSE I BELIEVE THEY WANT THE BEST IN ME AND LOVE ME. MY ADVANTAGE IS THAT I’M AM STILL IN CONTROL AT THIS MOMENT, YOU HELPED ME DISCOVER IT SOON ENOUGH BEFORE I GET OUT OF CONTROL OF MYSELF. THANK YOU AND I AM ALSO HOPING THAT ALL OF US CAN SURVIVE AND RECOVER FROM THIS GRAVE. GOD BLESS TO ALL.

227. Iain 20 Nov 2011 @ 4:35 am

     WOW I don’t think I’ve seen this much content on one page for a while! There’s some brilliant reading here. It’s great to read about how many people have also managed to turn their stories and their lives around. This makes for very inspirational reading. Thanks

228. Eng eng 20 Nov 2011 @ 2:32 pm

     p.s
     i’ve been smoking since i was 16 y/o and right now i am managing to stop smoking. What i’ve notice when i abruptly stop smoking for 2 weeks, i feel so comfortable, healthier than before and i am gradually getting back on my groove, i read from an article that smoking can slow down your reasoning, lose focus, and mood, so what i did, i tried to stop it and i am happy to say that it made me feel better, but after two weeks, i just smoke 1 stick a day, i just cant help it, after 1 week, i only smoke 1 stick every other day, after another week, i sometimes forget to smoke and also prevent my self to smoke once i crave for it. It’s mind over matter, that’s what i am thinking, i always keep reminding myself that this will improve my health, once i stop, i can think normally, all the good effects once you stop smoking. Smoking can trigger depression, that’s what i think, and people sometimes smoke because they are depress or stress, some people are just doing it for social interaction and do it occasionally. In my case i have both, so i am managing to balance this. Joining a group of volunteers, like organization from a church, firemen volunteers something like that is really helpful. Because in my case, i am a member of a religious fraternity from our church. The good effect of this, being a member is that it will somehow prevent you to have some idle time, it will keep you busy, while helping others and watching them getting happy from a small present that you give to them, it will somehow change you. You will somehow inherit from them how to appreciate small things and make it as substance for you to look a good life, realize that you are luckier than them because you have something that they don’t have and need the most. Let me honestly say to you guys that i’m not consistent, i am still trying my best to recover, i have not ask anybody to watch over me and check what i am doing… all the things that i wrote in here are… (dont know the best word to describe it) somewhat have some doubt. I will stop here, i will try my best to get back to you guys, already bookmarked this page and have this on my email. (now swinging) my goodness…..

229. hopee 29 Nov 2011 @ 4:55 pm

     I am so stuck with a problem. We are 4 (one brother and 3 sisters).We have lost our parents one after the other .My mother died of cancer 6years ago. My parents gave us many things but did not teach how to take a stand for Self Respect. We were not to say any thing to any elder either from my mother’s or father’s family for the wrong they did to us physically or especially mentally. It was they who brought about serious inferiority complexes in our life one way or the other.

     This problem actually relates to my youngest sister A. Just because of some unavoidable reasons such as bad attitudes of relatives and friends etc. She has developed a serious inferiority complex cum depression. As they all said that she is not beautiful at all. Bye the way she has now completed L.L.B., but all the way she had n has this problem.
     The inferiority complex about her looks extends to superiority complex in a certain way too as you know it is the process. For the last six years she had a very bad relation with us, her only three caring elders in the whole world initially she used to say that she is not like us which grows into a situation that she refused to talk to us. Especially she is very very hateful towards me.

     On the other side we love her so much. We take care of her; provide her the things as possible under our means. Even we do shopping for her as she refused to go any where (and if she go she has only complains) cook food. Whatever we can do to show that we love her.

     I tried my level best to make up the situation but she even doesn’t want to see my face while we are living together.
     For the last 4 years I made countless attempts to make up with her but she did not moved.
     She has made ridiculous objection over my personality. For example, why I used to wear lipstick. She even tries to make my character scandalous without any reasons.
     She refused to do any thing, literally she stayed idle. She doesn’t want to meet any one. She is not happy at all, but very stubborn and disrespectful even towards her only three blood relations in the entire world.
     I know you would suggest a psychiatrist. But understand my problem. She doesn’t even talk to us what to listen us and go to a psychiatrist.
     And of course how can I forgot back in 2000,when she was a little more cute girl towards me I took her to the renowned psychiatrist Haroon Rashid. One of his assistant see her and she (psychologist) made the sitation more worse(in those days my mother was alive and A had some respect for us)
     The problems turns into a monstrous situation. I don’t know how to solve it. My mind is empty I cannot think anymore. We as a family of four are completely Paralyzed.
     Please do some thing. I cannot see her self destruction.
     What to do?
     Worried sister. please reply

230. patience 29 Nov 2011 @ 10:42 pm

     my father got into an accident two months ago and he got stroke…his recovering bt wat worries me a lot is that his depressed, low self esteem, unhappy, this is so hard for me..we try (as a family) to give him support and to show that we love him…he feels useless and wants to go back to work in this condition..he speak so low and u have to ask several time to get what his sayn..doctor said he doesnt have a probl;em and needs to boost his self confidence and stop worryn abt his recovery..it pains to see him suffer lyk this…we try to cheer him up, chat abt thinks thats not depressing and encourage him..

231. Anna 30 Nov 2011 @ 9:24 pm

     Hello hopee,
     You are in a really complex and difficult situation, and you have my full sympathy. Have you discussed this in depth with your other siblings? It sounds like you all need to agree on a plan and stick to it. I can see that your sister is not willing to see a mental health professional. However, I think it may be good for you to see one, so that you can get some help for your stress levels and some specific advice on what would work with helping your sister. Looking after yourself will help you look after your sister better. Getting some professional advice could make all the difference. I hope this helps.

232. hopee 2 Dec 2011 @ 7:31 pm

     thanks ! Anna i tried to make up with my sister.i really need new ideas as she refused to talk to any one and specially to me inspite of my best effort.we three are all agree but what to do? she is really wasting her life.i often think when time will change and i can be able to see her in confidentally participating in life.but first question at the moment is how we instigate her to start talking to us.
     i really need new ideas?

233. aaron 4 Dec 2011 @ 5:57 am

     I’m in between a rock and a hard place. My wife suffers with severe manic depression along with bipolar and slight personality disorders. Although I know I’m not perfect by a long shot, she won’t stop insisting that I too suffer with many personality and bipolar issues. I even gave my wife the benefit of the doubt and enrolled myself in some local programs to evaluate and treat any mental issues that I may have and all that was found out was that I may not fit in to the norm of society but I don’t need medicated and do not have disorders. Is it common for some one whom suffers with these problems to believe that others also have the same problems because she also mentions about just about every body we know that they to have bipolar as well?

234. Dennis 5 Dec 2011 @ 12:57 am

     I have been both a caregiver, and a sufferer of depression. I have read through many of the comments here, but do not have time for all of them. The majority of the advice is very sound and should be considered. “feeling your way” is definitely important because everyone is an individual.
     However, I have not seen any comments stating a few things which have helped me a lot in both positions.

     Some of the things that I found were helpful as a caregiver, and a sufferer of depression were exercise, sunlight, and healthy food. Proper sleep was also highly helpful. Exercise and healthy food release dopamine in your brain and can make you feel better.

     My mother has probably had mild depression most of her adult life, and does not have many friends which she can talk to. My father also has chronic depression, but will not admit it and is very antisocial. He will not talk about his feelings. When I was 14 my next last older sibling moved away from home, and my mother started talking to me when she was depressed. During the 4 years that this went on I steadily became more and more depressed trying to help her. I finally saw a doctor about my depression during my senior year of highschool. I was prescribed medication, but I hated taking them and did not find that they helped me.(Not saying that medication can’t help some people. It just didn’t work for me.)

     I have almost conquered my depression on my own through introverted reflection and changing of mindset. I used to see the world as a bitter, bleak place full of death and misery(which was not helped by mainstream media). Now I am learning to enjoy everything about life and all of its glory.

     Even when I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I found it very helpful to know that people were there for me and I could talk to them if I needed to. I sometimes reacted aggressively in a verbal manner, but they still supported me and I appreciated their gesture later when I thought about it.

     My family is very prone to depression, substance abuse problems, and various other mental disorders so I have dealt with a number of issues people have had. Most of the time letting someone know you are there for them and giving them room is the best option in my experience.

     This is far from my whole story, but I can’t write much more at this time. Feel free to ask any questions, keeping in mind I am not a professional, and I will do my best to give a helpful answer as a caregiver and a sufferer. If you or one you love is suffering depression please just talk about it. Silence and a blind eye won’t cure it.

235. Cindy 7 Dec 2011 @ 6:51 am

     I need help. I have been talking to a guy for almost two months, and he had warned me that the holidays were depressing to him… Each day it gets tougher and tougher trying to not say the wrong thing…I really want to see where it can go but I just don’t want to push him away by saying wrong thing.. Can someone give some good advice? And he won’t talk on phone but will in text, if I sent words off a card would that be ok?

236. Rhonda 11 Dec 2011 @ 1:10 pm

     I wrote this for the love of my life – a wonderful, caring, smart, funny, sexy man who also happens to have depression. I don’t think that I will share this with him because he is going through a difficult time right now and sharing this will likely lead to increased feelings of guilt and stress. Poetry and writing are how I cope, and how I attempt to make sense of this illness and its debilitating effects.

     ***

     Standing on the outside, looking in. I press my palm against your pain and leave my dirty prints upon the alter of your solitude. I intrude .

     I lift my gaze and see the shadow of your brow, and long to bury deep the hurt that hides behind your eyes. Your disguise.

     Winter winds sweep clear the glass that holds your soul and I bare mine, though the chill cuts through me. Into me.

     And the night stands vigil at my side as I wait for time to mend what I cannot. What time forgot.

     Slow the beating of these broken wings with gentle touch and quiet these anxious stirrings with song.
     You are my song. We belong.

237. shari 15 Dec 2011 @ 9:59 am

     This blog is titled “How to Help Someone With Depression”. As the significant other of someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, at what point does the depressed party have a responsibility to own his actions, regardless of his feelings?

     I have learned that by communicating as noted in the blog, that I am able to guide my loved one away from the crass, curt responses. I do my best not to take his anger, accusations, and sometimes blunt meanness personally – he is pretty good about warning me that he is feeling depressed or anxious. However, if I have had a rough day or if the communication tips aren’t working I might actually respond to his surliness in the same manner as I would expect someone to respond to me if I spoke to them in such a manner.

     Am I completely off base to expect a grown man to be able to segregate his emotions and feelings from his intellect and then modify his behavior accordingly? Isn’t this something we all do regularly, as soon as we emerge from childhood? Therefore, while more difficult for someone with depression, isn’t it still possible?

     I liken it to someone who is physically handicapped – the handicap requires some modification of society in order to accommodate the handicapped, but that person does not get a “free ride” as far as eschewing all responsibility to be a productive member of society and an equal partner in a relationship.

     What are some tools, if any, that have worked for people in the past as far as developing that ability to segregate the (unfounded, except from a chemical standpoint) negative emotions from the reality of the actual situation?

238. Jessica 17 Dec 2011 @ 4:02 am

     I’m in the same situation as Shari. My boyfriend has always said he’s a “grouch” and just bitter… but most days are fine, then he’ll have a few bad days… he says some mean “jokes” but then apologizes for them the next day. I tell him I know he doesn’t mean them and it’s ok, but he’s adamant that it’s not ok. Anyways… long story short, I’m depressed too, but I know how to pull myself out of it, or cope when I have some bad days. And just being around him makes me feel better. He doesn’t seem to have any coping mechanisms and most of them time, he just wants to shrug it off. I don’t know how else to help him… he knows i’m here for him, and that I’m going through it too sometimes, but I also don’t want him to feel like he’s “dragging me down with him”. I know that’s a concern for people suffering from depression… I need to know some good techniques, or ideas of things we can do/try. Most of the time it’s good, but even when it’s good, it’s still in the back of his mind… He’s even had suicidal thoughts, planned it out even, but he also has a baby girl and I think that’s the only reason he hasn’t gone through with it yet…. And then I’m hurt that he doesn’t care about me enough to stay for me…. I’m so confused, please help.

239. How to help someone with depression 17 Dec 2011 @ 4:49 pm

     This really works.. So amazing.. I almost gave up on my brother. We already took him to a lot of doctors as well as herbal medical expert. They didn’t work. But after reading this post, i was thinking ” what do i have to lose, i’m gonna try this”. Well it did work !!! My brother’s condition is getting better and better.. Yeah now i believe the most important thing to do to help someone who suffer from depression is the sacrifices from their family.. sacrifice to be patient, sacrifice to be supportive, sacrifice to listen though to be honest it’s very boring, sacrifice to accompany though we’re bloody tired, etc. the best medications start from their own closest family as well as friends.. so i wanna thank to the writer of this post.. whoever you are, you are a blessing to my family. thanks again. And for all of you who has read this post, you should read and learn carefully, and take actions, just do it.. it really work. and also i wanna share another source that i learn from as well:
     http://www.howtohelpsomeonewithdepressions.com/how-to-help-someone-with-depression

     That’s another excellent tips as well..
     You just learn all of them, and do it.. They worked amazingly..
     Once again thank you to all these tips..

240. Derrick 22 Dec 2011 @ 7:35 am

     Even I, only being a young adult, find it hard to deal with depression. My mother pretty much told me I HAD to get a counsellor. This was 6 months ago. I still go to that counsellor. Even if it was somewhat forced on me, I thank her all the time. It’s really helped. Even tough love is a good way. You can’t constantly cater to a good side. Sometimes being blunt is the best way to help. Of course it depends on the person. But my mother’s bluntness helped a lot. So don’t be afraid to use tough love.

241. Santo Tudor 1 Jan 2012 @ 10:58 pm

     Occasionally you stumble upon some information that encourage further thought – the right article at the best time! Interesting

242. a friend 8 Jan 2012 @ 1:40 pm

     Thank you for the advice. My very close friend is going through this, and I want to be there for support. It is pretty bad, and we are very young. I’m just worried about her. I want to be there for her, but not push the boundaries. This was helpful. I think I have been doing the right thing by asking her “you looked a little down, do you want to talk” and also giving her space and letting her know that it is ok if she doesn’t want to talk. I tell her that I care. I hope I am handling this well because I know this is hard for her.

243. Anon 12 Jan 2012 @ 5:42 am

     I have just been reading this but am still struggling to come to terms with how im meant to be there for my (now ex) boyfriend. He broke up with me over something that i would never break up with him over as i was just protecting him, but to him it is a very big thing as he says the trust is now gone, but then he also says things like hes trying to do what is best for both of us and that he doesnt want to burdon me, so im confused as to whether he has broke up with me because of depression or not ( i am aware that nobody can answer this) All i want to do is runaway but in my heart I know this isnt really him talking and that he is just pushing me away to save me although he wont admit this, he says its because of the trust thing. Is this normal for depressed people to think they cant trust someone who loves them even though they are only keeping something from them to protect them?
     Thanks

244. Cathy52 14 Jan 2012 @ 11:53 pm

     I had cancer last year and i feel sometimes down when it goes through my head thinking about the treatment ect , This week i got very down , and had a little falling out with my daughter over something very small , it was i just wanted her to stand up for her mother , and i dont think if im been truthful it was that , i think i was pushing the boundary to see if she loved me enough to do that , the day before my birthday my daughter had a meeting along with my other three siblings , and decided to come up and confront me together , they walked into my house and said we need to talk , first it was we see you are down and getting worst , would you not go to a doctor and get stronger tablets , and then it was also we think u need bigger help , they told me i was staying in my pjs to much during the day , i should go for a cup of tea more with someone of my own age , i asked them and this is all over asking my daughter to stand up for her mother? they said no , you turned on us before , i asked when? because i try not to tell my family in any way how to run there lives , my daughter answered last year when you were in hospital and you were going through treatment and u had a few words with me because i did not get up to see you that week , i rem the week well , i was very very sick and my daughter had phoned , i was very upset and afraid and was trying to tell her how afraid i felt and how sick i felt , when she answered i wont be able to get up to see you this week because im going house hunting , can som eone tell me because im down at the moment is this the right way for a family to act when you are feeling low , or am i seeing it wrong because i am down? ive tried looking at it every way , but everytime i think about it i just get hurt and cry over it x

245. Annie 16 Jan 2012 @ 7:43 pm

     Cathy52,

     I’m struggling with the same thing. I have an inoperable brain tumor and the radiation left me with a dead pituitary gland. It’s been 6 years since the radiation and the tumor hasn’t grown, but finding the right balance of meds has been really hard. Unfortunately, many of the meds directly effect my mood. I learned last week that the tumor could also alter my personality, because it’s pushing on brain tissue. Anyway, my husband and I live in Seattle, and my boys live in Tulsa, OK. We have no family here and have no friends because we just moved here last year. All this to say, I think those of us who fight cancer are warriors. Our family doesn’t see our illness, and they want to believe we are the same person. We face our cancer or the effects of it, every day. I take 10 medications, 20 pills and 1 injection, every day. My illness is constantly in my face. Plus, I see it when I look in the mirror at my eyes. They are dark and sunken. I have slowly, this year sunk into a depression that is compounded by my medication. Cancer requires work to stay healthy, and only you can do it. I think your family is out of touch and ignorant of your pain and what you are going through. Counseling for all of them would be a good idea, BUT counseling for you is a must. Setting down your burdens to a non-family member makes your load lighter, and leaves your family out of the “gloom.” It’s hard for them too. My husband is working so hard to help me, but he’s depressed as well because of me. You can only do so much. Educate your family as much as possible. Knowledge is power. Get into a counselor to help you overcome your depression and respond appropriately to your family. No, it’s not the right way for your family to act, but they don’t know what else to do.

     Be well, my friend.

246. andy 17 Jan 2012 @ 9:29 am

     im trying to help my gf find a therapist but she wants to go for the fact i say it will help but she doesn’t think it help her feel better because she has losed all hope with anything to help her feel better and she told many times that’s impossible for her to be happy i have tried many things but it just made things worse if someone has any suggestions or advice to help me help her

247. Jef 20 Jan 2012 @ 11:41 am

     These are almost exactly what I need from my family and what I’ve been trying to tell them for years.

248. Olivia 24 Jan 2012 @ 4:57 am

     I think my boyfriend is currently depressed. I’m trying to be supportive and I’m trying to help but I only seem to say things that make him angry and now he’s started saying that I used to be the one good thing he had in his life but I don’t make him happy anymore or excite him. I know it’s probably the depression talking but I am really scared that he will break up with me and I really don’t know who to turn to for advise or help and I was hoping maybe somebody over here could help me or give me some advise?

249. Faith Dwyer 24 Jan 2012 @ 1:01 pm

     Olivia—-get out before it’s too late.

250. Lucky0806 1 Feb 2012 @ 8:39 am

     I have appreciated reading all of the comments that have been posted. I agree with several comments about how individuals suffering from depression are different and each case is different. My current boyfriend suffers severly from depression, anxiety and PTSD. He is unlike a lot of sufferers mentioned, in that he is neither an alcoholic, violent or abusive towards me or anyone else he is close to. He is actually a very caring and extremely loyal person. He has always been very open with me about his depression and what he has gone through to bring him to this point. He is very encouraging to me and supportive when i need it. He is the reason i sought help myself for depression, though i do not believe i suffer as severly as he does. I am knew to this all the way around, both as a patient and as a carer. I am currently battling how to be the carer and maintain focus on myself as well. My boyfriend from time to time will go into “funk” modes where he will hide in his room and not respond to texts or phone calls. No communication. Then a few days later he is “back to normal”. I have found great advice on this blog, and now realize that some things i have said recently have problably contributed to his current “funk” mode that he is in. He sees a doctor regularly and takes prescribed medicine for his conditions. He is very responsible about his situation and attempting to take care of himself, however it is hard for me to not want to speak up when i think he is doing something that is unhealthy for himself and only going to take him back into the bad times that he is trying so hard to get past. I realize that the way i have gone about speaking my opinion has been somewhat harsh and probably giving him the mindset that he is “not good enough”, or that he is “failing” as a man, an adult. Because the main part of his battle comes from the home, his mother and step father’s home. I hate to be personal but i believe his particular case warrants knowing the details of his situation, in order to hopefully have some specific advise on how i should approach things, but he was sexually molested by his step father. The very step father that his mother chose to remain with because she needs someone to rely on. She has lyme disease and is not a healthy individual herself. He will go home to them and stay there (he was forced to move in with them when a roommate moved out, he had nowhere else to go). He says some days he is fine and can deal with it and in some amazing way has forgiven his step father for what he did. But i can see where it is still a very hard thing for him to get past. I want to be the person that finally gives him the happy and growing life and future that he deserves, but i have no idea how to deal with his dedication to his mom, regardless of what his life has brought him because of her decisions. His personality is very similar to mine, in that we both are “people pleasers”. We’ve both gone through our lives doing and being for others in hopes that those people would return our love and dedication, but only to stomp on our prides and treat us like crap. I can understand why he wants to still remain in an accesible way for his mother, but i see so much of that house baring down on him as a human being, as a man. How many 40 year old men have their mom constantly texting them and calling them wondering where or why they are not calling or responding. Texting and calling wanting to know if they’re still where they said they were going, or are you ok? True yes, he has attempted suicide, by the unfortunate reaction to steriods prescribed for back problems, not because he hates life that much and wants to end it all. I understand a mother’s worry, but it is, in my opinion, overly done. Not even my mother coddles me that much, and believe me that is something to say. I grew up in a protective bubble, barely able to go and do anything until i was my own adult and could drive. I am going off on tangents now, but i know i need to be careful how i express things to him, but do i have a valid reason to worry? Am i being too harsh and too objective towards and about his mother and step father? I believe too my constant joy in having him live with me, is pushing him away. He is “gun shy” as he expressed in his own words, after being married twice and divorced twice. I can understand that too. Perhaps i am being too expectant of him? I would love some specific feedback to this. But again, i am so glad i came across this site, it has given me a deeper insight to how he must feel at times, and how i must be presenting myself to him.

251. Scared- 2 Feb 2012 @ 2:42 am

     My boyfriend of 8 years is suffering with severe depression. A few years ago he was injured at work at since then has been in this state. He didn’t get any compensation, and lost his job. When it first happened I didn’t understand the magnitude of how sad he was, and I didn’t help him. I didn’t know, how could I not know? He feels like I wasnt there for him, what he needed was someone to force him out that funk. I thought he needed me to be strong and wait until he was ready. I was wrong! Now he feels like there is no reason to go on, to do the daily tasks that make a life. How can I help him? I only want for him to be happy, more than anything.
     -

252. Lucky0806 2 Feb 2012 @ 4:46 am

     Scared –

     I had never thought about helping my boyfriend out of his funk. I assumed he wanted to be alone and needed that time, but after reading your post and giving it some thought, i think i am doing the wrong thing too. He says he could sit in his room forever and watch movies and never go anywhere, but i wonder if i tried to visit him and tried to talk and reconnect if it would help him back out of his funk? I still haven’t heard from him. I continue to send supportive and loving text messages, but i have no idea if i’m hurting or helping him.

253. jake rose 4 Feb 2012 @ 3:38 pm

     i have no personal experiences with depression nor am i someone who can help you. I just need help. I know this girl and two weeks ago we started to get to know each other. she told me she liked me and i like her too. just today she told me she used to be in a emotional abusive relationship with one of my friends and she has been cutting since grade 5 (now we’re grade 9). then today she texted me and told me that she wasn’t ready for me and told me to stop talking to her. of coarse i said “I’ll give you all the time you need because i want what is best for you. I will always be here if you ever need any help.” and i agreed to leave her alone. First of all, was this the right thing to do? I dont know what to do, i have no idea how to help her, and i dont want to stop talking to her but i promised her i would. i know i only really started to know her two weeks ago but i care so much for her and i feel like God is just saying “be there for her”. to make it worse i feel as if i try to talk to her to help her i will be betraying her. i would go to the ends of the earth for this girl. i just need some help. she needs my help.

254. Lost 12 Feb 2012 @ 3:52 pm

     I’m extremely concerned about my boyfriend. We recently found out that I was pregnant and since breaking the news to him, he’s shut down and made the decision to stop taking his prescription medications for his heart when he was hospitalized a few days ago for stress (he says that me becoming pregnant isn’t what’s caused him to shut down and that it’s been a long time in the making). He refused to be admitted so the hospital kept him there until his vitals were back to normal. He’s told me that he’s dreamt of his death many times and it’s always the same dream, but lately it’s gotten more and more defined. With him having known this, he says he’s been living with pain from his guilt of knowing that he can’t be around for his children to help raise and support them. He doesn’t see the point in taking his medications anymore because he wants to let life make his path for him and is sticking by “everything happens for a reason” – he feels that by him taking his medications, he is just cheating the system. He has a heart condition and just recently got a splint put in after I had added him to my insurance and should be on blood thinners. Because of his shut down, I have been a mess for the past few days worrying that he can go any day now. I find myself having bad anxiety attacks when I don’t hear from him throughout the day and I had a hard time leaving for work this morning with him being the only one at home. He has an amazing 3 year old daughter and now another one on the way and he can’t find happiness in his life, in his words, he’s “drained”. He also thinks that his suffering is causing the people around him to suffer. Since he started not taking his pills, he isn’t’ able to hold down any food, feels dizzy, and gets shaky. I’ve tried telling him that I need him and his kids need him but all he responds with is, “why?”. When I told him i loved him, he told me that I should because he isn’t worth it. I feel I’ve tried every option and I’m now lost. I’m now at the point of just being there for him. I don’t know if I should reach out to his family. I want to know how I can help him get through this.

255. Scared 15 Feb 2012 @ 3:49 am

     My partner and i have only been together for 6 months and we are very much in love. I know this never changes but when he gets into a depression flunk he gets very difficult to be around, verbally and phyiscal abusive. Dont get me wrong he has never punched or hit me but being thrown from furniture to the floor or being shoved out the door onto my knees is scary enough. He has had a very difficult upbringing with his mum leaving at around 9 yrs old leaving his dad and sisters for another man. My partner getting into drugs and drink very young and his dad throwing him out at 16. This lead to him living in hostels for at least 5 years as NONE of his family would take him in. He has recently got a steady good job which he enjoys, most days, he rents his own house and he is off drugs and drink. I am so proud of him. But when he gets upset over money or his family( who he now speaks to) i seem to get the brunt of it all. I try to be helpful but it is so hard wen someone u love so much calls you names and hurts u so bad everytime. it always seems to end with we are breaking up but then he wont let me leave. and all of a sudden he is sorry. How long do i put up with this? he scares me so much sometimes i feel like calling the police wen im hiding in the corner.. Some one please help me? he wont take any medication unless he talks about smoking marjana again to help him out of his head which i dnt want him to do.

256. Marla Jo Zeller 15 Feb 2012 @ 9:29 pm

     I used to be in an abusive relationship and he finally left me which I thought at the time was the worse thing that could happen to me but years later I realized was the best thing that could have happened to me. I am not saying give up on him. He obviously needs love and help. He has been through a lot. but you have to watch out for yourself too. I found that I was not the one to help my husband. I had to let him go and it was someone else that got through to him. Now I have a wonderful husband who is my prince charming in every way. You are not his savior. Don’t forget that. I wish I had words to make you feel better. At least you are loving him and trying to help him. Give yourself that. Reach out to a preacher or someone like that, someone with some experience and advice. You may need them someday. I did. I thought I would die with the pain of loosing him but he hasn’t changed and now I am happy. Thank God he left me. Good luck and God bless.

257. echos 16 Feb 2012 @ 7:35 am

     Thank you so much. My mum is sick. As a naturally strong and happy person, i am having great difficulty relating to the seriousness of her condition. But i don’t want to make things worse by trivialising her pain at every turn. Your words are very helpful, thank you.

258. Depression Girl from New York 23 Feb 2012 @ 11:04 am

     Thank you for this post. It is really hard to deal with depression when you have unsympathetic family members who don’t understand the disease. My mother loves to tell me to snap out of it. Of course, this makes me feel even worse. She’ll say, “My life was hard, but I was too busy working to dwell on depression.” That makes me sad because she thinks I’m weak willed and lazy. Everyone should have to suffer from depression for a few days so they would understand how devastating depression can be.

259. JYM 28 Feb 2012 @ 10:28 am

     When I was 15 I attempted suicide twice, and once again when I was 35. No-one knows this about me. I am now 58. Things were good for a while, but my mother died and I have been depressed for 5 years. There are days when I don’t get out of bed,don’t get out of my pyjamas, don’t have a shower,don’t want to talk to anyone, hate myself, hate my life, hate the world. If I know I am going to have a visitor, I do the minimal amount of housework, have a shower, put a nice dress on,maybe some lipstick,I put a smile on my face and ask how they are. Then I sit and listen to all of their probems & never mention mine. No-one knows I have depression, I never let any-one see. Friends and family come to me for advice, they think I am grounded, wise, happy, I make THEM feel good. There is no way in a million years any of them would believe I was depressed. If only they knew. I spent a month in a mental health facility, they all thought I was having health tests. I am lonely, but I want to be alone, I don’t cry any more, I don’t listen to love songs and I don’t watch romantic movies.
     Once, when my son got cancer, I allowed some-one to see my sadness and that person said to me “How long are you going to wallow in your own self pity.”
     The only true thing I know about depression is that it can become a habit, and that no matter what any-one says, it is up to me to deal with it.
     So, I give myself one active thing a day to do…sweep the floor, fold towels,make a healthy meal, paint my toenails, spend 3 minutes on the exercise bike…whatever, then I allow myself to go back to bed and not feel guilty because I have actually accomplished ONE positive action for the day. Once this becomes a habit, maybe I will give myself 2 positive actions to do for the day, in the meantime I will keep on fooling my family and friends, because I do not want to be a burden on them. It is MY depression and I don’t want anyone else to suffer because of it. I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I don’t know where I will end up, and I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow, all I know is that I don’t want to make someone elses life a mysery because I can’t cope with my own, so I will just keep smiling and act like I am the sanest person on the planet.

260. james 28 Feb 2012 @ 11:04 am

     I feel sad for you that you’ve lived with such a burden for so long without anyone to discuss it with. You are obviously a good listener for many and they must appreciate you very much. Surely friendships and family relationships are a two-way street. I imagine they would feel devastated to know what you have gone through and not being able to offer a shoulder to cry on.

     Good on you for bringing positive action into each day. May you reach your goal of 2 quickly!

261. JYM 28 Feb 2012 @ 11:51 am

     Thankyou for your kind thoughts James ,I have made a few attempts over the years to broach the subject with friends, but as soon as I see their eyes go blank and they start to look away and change the subject, I realise that it is all too much for them to comprehend. When I worked I was a Massage Therapist and Beauty Therapist, one of my clients was a Psychologist, she used to cry and offload onto me and throw her arms around me and thank me for listening. It was then that I realised that depression has no bounds. I didn’t judge her, I am sure that she was very good at her job, but I have yet to find that person who won’t judge me. I am not sure where you come from, but in Australia the Mental Health system is a joke. The month I spent in a facility was a real eye opener. The nurses drug you until you can bearly walk, they let you lay around in your PJs and don’t talk to you, unless the Doctors are visiting, THEN they make you get up and get dressed. You get 10 minutes with the Doc, who generally just ups your meds and says see you next week. I was confiding my deepest thoughts to one of the Doctors, he was silent when I finished talking, the silence continued, I coughed, he jumped with a start and said “Oh,sorry, I was just thinking about taking my motorbike out for a ride this weekend.”
     If you refuse meds, security guards come in the middle of the night and take you to a “more secure” facility. Sometimes you are lucky enough to have a nurse that wants to help and will actually sit and listen or take you for a walk. These people are TRAINED to deal with depression, but they are jaded and stale and they have heard it all before, so their empathy and compassion has gone out the window and been replaced with indifference. One of the nurses even confided in me that they still use electric shock treatment in some cases, that really scared me, so I made sure that I watched my P’s and Q’s. It was really sad to watch and know that there was nothing that I could do to change the system. When I came out of there I was even more determined to hide my depression. What upsets me the most is that there were people in there much, much worse than me and they were being treated so coldly.
     So, basically what I am trying to say is,that if professionals that have been trained in Psychology don’t have a caring attitude, then WHO will listen, and thats all it is really, someone to listen.
     So, thanks for listening…lol…and have a really great day.

262. Helplessfriend 28 Feb 2012 @ 1:27 pm

     Please sum 1help me…!!!!!!!!! Im lost. My boyfriend says he is depressed but I asked him wit wat n he keeps saying “Nothing”, d only full answer I could get out of him was that he “didnt want to involve me”…im lost as to waht 2 do about it, I assured him dat Im here if he needs me but he says he doesnt want me to do anything..he eventually said he was depressed because of life…the only times he texted me were to say good nite and then he’d put off his phone…What do I do, what do I say??? I am lost and its starting to take a toll on me too nad our relationship…this depression I dont have any experience in the area…We do not live togeather but separate in our parents homes but have been together for 11 months…

263. james 28 Feb 2012 @ 4:33 pm

     You haven’t had a good experience with the health system, that’s for sure.

     I think there are still good people out there, even if they’re hard to find. I live in Sydney and received great help from the Black Dog Institute in the last 10 years. If you are in Sydney then you might want to take a look at their clinic – http://bit.ly/xFY0gl.

     I know that melancholic depression is treated differently to the much more common non-melancholic form of depression. I don’t think a whole lot of mental health professionals understand the differences. They tend to treat depression as being a single illness that only varies in severity. Here’s a good resource on it: http://bit.ly/AqNMq5.

     Sorry to be suddenly sending you links, but my psychiatrist once said to me that all depression is treatable and full recovery is achievable; finding a suitable treatment is the hard part. I’ve experienced this hard part myself, but I believe what he said is right.

     Was your hospital admission a long time ago? I think mental health has come a long way in the last 5 years or so in Australia, although obviously there’s still quite a way to go.

264. Andrea 28 Feb 2012 @ 7:20 pm

     How to heal from depression if no support is given? If you are totally alone in it?

265. JYM 28 Feb 2012 @ 8:53 pm

     Thanks James for the links, I was in Hospital 5 years ago. I am well on the road to recovery now, but it has been a slow process. Understanding myself was the major hurdle, and then right smack, bang in the middle of it, Menopause hit. I don’t take medication, I do take a few vitamin and mineral supplements and have a really healthy diet.Depression is SO complex, there are so many factors involved and it is also individual. My daughter was studying Psychology for 2 years at Newcastle Uni, but she hated the “text bookness” of it. She switched to Naturopathy which is more hands on, and she feels that it is a more caring profession. Thanks for the help, much appreciated.

266. Carly 2 Mar 2012 @ 3:52 pm

     I need help. My friend is clinically depressed and I have no idea what to do. She’s normally such a sweet and kind person, but when she’s off her meds she bites my head off. She keeps saying that that’s the “real” her and now she’s mad at me because she’s an “emotional sim”, that is, she gives me what she thinks I want. I’m just so confused, I don’t know which one is the real her, the mask, the illness or what’s underneath. I love her so much but she’s fed up and I’m at the end of my rope.

267. karfern 6 Mar 2012 @ 12:59 am

     We have someone in our life recently that is depressed. I admit I feel very little compassion on someone that has never thought of anyone other than himself. He was not around for his children, and now expects them to help because he can’t (won’t) work, and he feels such low self worth he can’t do anything. Everything about life is a choice. I believe that you have to WANT to get better before anything will happen. Obviously from previous posts, there is no way to help someone. Some want to be babied, some need a shove. I think it comes down to choosing and then taking the steps. If you feel guilty, seek forgiveness and then make the move to do things differently.

268. Carly 6 Mar 2012 @ 3:58 pm

     Hello. I posted a few days ago and I’m slightly less confused. I’ve been thinking back to difficult points in my life and my plan is to treat her as I would’ve wanted. My worry is that will backfire on me…It’s just so horrible because she must be in so much pain and I have no way to let her know I support her.

269. Mark 8 Mar 2012 @ 5:05 am

     I came here because my fiance has depression. She even admits it herself, but will not seek treatment. It has come and gone for the seven years we have been together. Lately it seems to be worse. For Christmas I even got her a puppy knowing research has shown this can be an excellent cure for depression. She had a dog for many years, I had a dog for many years, my son got a puppy last year and I dog sat for weeks. I could see the joy she had around the puppy and the dogs from the past so I’m thinking win-win right? Wrong. The puppy has become a nuisance and she yells at him constantly. I finally said something this week and got my head tore off. From what I’ve read here, keeping my mouth shut and going about the business of taking care of the household chores, etc. is the way to go. I tend to be a very positive person, but I’ve even notice it starting to drain me. I’m hoping spring around the corner will help… It’s been a long winter.

270. Carly 8 Mar 2012 @ 6:06 pm

     Yeah, winter makes everything worse. Some people are even diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder because it just gets so out of control. Its March, so I’m doing a lot better, but last month I went on three crying binges and had a panic attack. As for my friend, I’ve done all I can do and she still doesn’t trust me. My mantra is “one day at a time”.

271. EG 8 Mar 2012 @ 7:02 pm

     @ JYM “hug”

     I have been depressed for over a decade now and I’ve hidden it from my family. The reason I don’t confide in them is because when I was a child they would use my emotions against me, teasing me with emasculating insults because I cried and was a male. Even though I know this is a serious problem, I don’t want to burden them or anyone with my problems. The best I could do right now with no insurance is rationalize my emotions to the point that I become numb and don’t feel anything. I would describe my situation right now as functionally depressed by not having suicidal thoughts, working out regularly , not having any addictions(besides electronics),the occasional cry , and when the bad thoughts sneak in numbing myself emotionally. My family knows something is wrong with me but they don’t know what, ironically my mother and brother openly take anti-depressants but they have no clue what’s wrong with me. I have a lingering concern in the back of my mind that one day I will crack under my depression, not sure what to plan for that.

272. JYM 8 Mar 2012 @ 7:30 pm

     EG… Hugs back.
     Cracking under the strain of depression is not something you can plan for,recognising that you need help when and if it does happen is the most important issue. It must have been awful as a child to be subjected to that kind of torture. Sometimes the people around us don’t know what to do , so they make light of the situation. They think that if they acknowledge that you have a problem it will make you worse. When I finally cracked and had no one to turn to I checked in voluntarily to a Mental Health Unit at the local Hospital. It was an eye opener, but personally I would not recommend it as they force you to take medication. I have never in my life been able to take anything stronger than a Panadol, so medication sent me off my head. They changed the meds 4 times, but I just got worse. In the end I had to pretend to take it and spit it out later. My deression was “situational”, once I got out of the “situation” I felt a lot better. I felt sorry when you said that you just cut yourself off and become numb although I do understand that it is different for a man to deal with as opposed to a woman, I am actually able to work through my feelings now.
     Keep smiling, it makes you feel better.

273. F 10 Mar 2012 @ 10:16 pm

     Thanks for publishing this, I have a friend struggling with depression at the moment and this article has given me a completely new perspective on how best to go about trying to help her.

274. Dano 12 Mar 2012 @ 6:38 pm

     After a series of traumatic events, which I seemed to cope with pretty well considering they were severe, the most recent one 10 years ago finally rendered me “not okay”.
     I was forever changed physically and emotionally. As such, I was required to finally accept medication as treatment.
     I’ve been on various anti anxiety and anti-depressants. In hindsite, I’ve noticed that while my life hasn’t improved, I’ve traced a change in behavior to the start of medication (and not the actual trauma – since the medication came later) I’ve changed dosages and types – and I seem okay for a while, but then a smaller ‘trauma’ triggers an extreme change in mindset.
     I’m starting to think that in my particular case, I need to consider weaning off of antidepressants (under supervision)
     I’ve never had impulse control or any type of angry outbursts prior to medication… nor have I had any serious sucidal ideations. Granted, I’m not sure if ‘trauma build up’ (new small traumas atop old) would have caused the same outcome… but one thing is for sure. I’m not improving. More importantly, I’m seeing my behavior become more erratic compared to my ‘healthy self’.
     The smallest trauma (a break up, a flat tire, a bump in the road) is enough to make me have suicidal thoughts.
     I voice them to those closest to me – usually my mate – and that is often accepted by the law as ‘abuse’ or ‘coersion’. To some degree, I understand how that can be the surface appearance. Sadly, it’s a very unfair, inaccurate and damaging one.
     Someone pleading out desperately in pain should never be taken as manipulation – especially when there is a clearly known history of treatment and trauma. It hurts when others think – be it a partner or an authority figure – make such a claim. For me, it’s actually lead me to make suicidal gestures and nearly succeed… and it seems to get more and more ‘real’ each time. I think: “If I actually do it, I’ll prove that this wasn’t a ploy” or “Now I’ll finally be taken seriously”.
     I’ve been told “You’re milking this trauma thing for a long time now” (Milking? – as if I chose to give up a productive, happy and lucrative life, in exchange for depleting my bank account on treatment, screwing up my body chemistry with medication and basking in the luxurious lifestyle of living in a shell )
     More recently, when I’ve shown concern about a persons alcohol or drug use, it was met with “You have your meds, i have mine”. THAT one hurt the most.
     Unless you’ve been on these meds, which mess with your moods… make you feel dependant, cost you time and money – and have side effects that cause other issues – a person really shouldn’t comment on such a thing. It’s irresponsible and dangerous.
     It lead to further desperation and feeling hopeless…which lead to extreme responses like overmedicating or stopping medication altogether – due to feeling perceived as ‘weak’.
     I’m actually being criminally charged with coercion for reaching out to my best friend, for reaching out asking for help.
     This said, I’m looking into weaning off of the antidepressants at least… to give my body a break from toxins… and to reach a point where I feel the appropriate response to an event. (laugh at jokes, cry at funerals…etc.)
     I’ve accepted my disability at this point – and don’t expect to be my old self, as I’ll never get my place in life before my accidents/trauma… but it’s reached the point where those I love don’t know how to deal with my changes in mood
     “You seemed very happy at the concert…why are you suddenly ‘blue’ when I want you to come out with my friends?” – another gut wrencher! They don’t understand that we don’t control the how/when/why/where of it all. It’s a personal hell – and I thank all of you for sharing your experiences.
     One issue is short term memory, so I forget the name of the poster who mentioned (I’m paraphrasing) that since others don’t see crutches or a wheelchair, then they think we’re not seriously injured. That is so true. I’ve been dressed up for a wedding… or tanned from the summer and told “but you look fine”.
     It’s frustrating – but I admit, I didn’t buy into depression until it hit me. I’ve always been ‘strong’ at dealing with trauma… but after getting shot, then injured in a building explosion (shortly after 9/11) and losing my career…. well, that was the straw that broke the camels back.
     I’ve suffered through the frustrated friends and family who give unsolicited “duh” advice… “Suck it up”. “Oh get over it” or “Don’t think about it”… or even what could be a well-intended “I know what you’re going through” …but in this case, I’m being legally held accountable for my depression and post traumatic stress disorder. In doing so, I’m trying to be insightful and AM realizing that certain impulses or short-fuse responses… really can be traced to starting after I started treatment.
     I want to be healthier – but not at the risk of side effects worse than the disorder.

     Reading forum posts… and responding so openly is pretty new to me, but all of you have inspired me to take back my life… and be healthier for myself and those around me. I don’t want to be a burden or worry to my loved ones and would rather have one less suspect reason like medication.
     Depression is a tough nut…. it’s difficult to trace cause/effect because it’s hard to tell if meds are a factor or just simply ‘added trauma’ (loss of job, physical pain, being lied to, betrayed, cheated on, etc.) being a trigger to an already fragile mindset.

     I want to own my reactions and feelings – but also don’t want to take on added burden of something manufactured chemically if that’s the case.

     I vow to come back when I have more time to devote, and read each of your stories individually.

     I’m sorry if this comment is a long rant – but I’m typing on the fly and the emotions are flooding.

     I wish you all well… continued health… and good luck with fighting the good fight. You really aren’t alone.

     Thanks,
     d.

275. Mark 15 Mar 2012 @ 5:53 am

     Dano, you have given me insight to my fiance and may allow me to be a bit more patient. It’s difficult when I am continuously accused of doing something I’m not (cheating, lying, treating her poorly, etc.) I think much of it comes from her previous marriage who cheated on her, but it’s been 7 years. She needs to take your approach and take her life back. I’m just not sure if I’ll be able to hold on long enough for her to do that… But that is my battle.

276. Me V 15 Mar 2012 @ 10:55 pm

     Well, I am a caregiver and this role is a difficult one. I always knew that my husband (a very positive and jovial self) had depression and mental issues in his family. He only shows this face to me. He can turn on a dime and laugh with a friend one minute and then treat me badly another minute. But since losing his photo studio and having to work from home is the challenge that has brought him to this state full on. I’m constantly affirming him that he is still the great photographer with or without a physical studio. But now, I am not always in his face since the statements of “get away from me” are spoken more. I pick my battles to step away or speak and it’s working a little. It truly is day by day. One day, he is productive and content and then yesterday, he was asleep most of the day. Medication? He has tried it before. And being on other medications for his heart is the priority to him. I told him his mind needs medication too like his heart but he and his family ironically think that mental instability is a “no-no” and holds a negative stigma. I am not equipped to handle this all by myself and yet he doesn’t want professional outside help because there isn’t a problem. I know that any problem to solve, that person needs to REALIZE that there is a problem in the first place. There is no way of solving it if he/she don’t realize that there is one. So I battle on with positive activities, positive sayings, stay clear when it’s bad, and cry silently in the dark so that he doesn’t get upset. I battle on…

277. Carly 16 Mar 2012 @ 1:02 pm

     Hi. I’m happy to say that winter is finally over where I am, and I’m slowly earning her trust back. I plan on going into therapy soon, so I’m hoping things will get better.

278. Marci 17 Mar 2012 @ 1:14 pm

     Can someone please give me some advice? I recently started dating a man in his mid forties. We fell in love after a short period of dating. We began to open up to each other about our finances and other personal circumstances. He is a single father of a college age boy and is having a difficult time paying for his schooling among other things. My boyfriend works two jobs to support himself and his son and recently began to complain of being stressed, being tired all the time and overall began to speak negatively about almost every subject. About a month ago out of the blue the just seemed to shut down. We didn’t have any kind of argument or fight, he just stopped taking calls or returning messages of any kind, including text messages. On the rare occasion he does respond he says that he loves me but that he simply has to work through this on his own and doesn’t want to impact me as I am already overloaded with my own circumstances. I love him very, very much. From what I can tell, he only goes to work and immediately retreats back home with little or no interaction with the public. We’ve been dating for just under a year and he’s never spoken of any friends, but I always assumed he didn’t have friends because he works such a hectic schedule. He doesn’t hang out, drink or do drugs but seems to have totally slipped into a depressive state. I don’t know how to begin to help if he won’t return calls or messages. Should I expect that one day he will simply feel better and call? I have no idea to help or be there for the man I love.

279. Alfred 19 Mar 2012 @ 4:31 pm

     @Marci. Difficult life situations can lead to anxiety and stress which in turn can lead to depression. In your friend’s case it probably goes deeper.

     From what you say, if he’s working two jobs and is always tired and stressed chances are that he is not having the proper nourishing meals that would give his body the strength to cope better.

     If you think you can get some good quality Multivitamins or a strong Vitamin B complex to him, this could help. As well as these there are herbs that will help with anxiety and stress.

     Let me know if you want more help with this. I am currently updating my website.

280. spencer 22 Mar 2012 @ 1:12 am

     Hello, I know this post is for people with depression and I am not going through depression nor have I ever been depressed. I am commenting on this post because of my girlfriend. She is currently suffering from depression. She is always sad and sick, she was recentlay enrolled into school after being out of it for a year and a half and has missed numerous days. She always feels like she can’t do it and feels like she’s not good enough for anyone. I’m really trying my best to support her and to try to make her happy. Its just really hard for me to see her like this and to feel So helpless because no matter what I do or say doesn’t help. She’s only 16 and I’m 17 and already she’s tried to kill herself. I love her so much and I don’t want her to do something stupid. Also I’m her only support right now. Her mom and dad are going through a devorce and she’s living with her mom And boyfriend. Her mom doesn’t really care about her and just pushes her aside. The point that I’m getting at her is that I just don’t know what to do anymore I’m trying to urge her to get help but she’s only 16 like I said so its hard for her to get help. I feel like I’m losing her sometimes especially when she gets really bad and I don’t want to lose her! Anyone reading this if you could please message me somehow I would greatly appreciate talking to someone who has overcome depression so I can learn more and understand it better. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. -Spencer

281. McKenzie 28 Mar 2012 @ 11:49 pm

     I am still going through a depressive state of mind and i hate when people keep asking me what is wrong that i need to talk to someone. but everytime i talked to someone they all just magically disappeared so now i dont talk at all. For me i just need my friends to talk to maybe thats what your friend or loved one wants just ask if you can do anything to help if she says yes do what she needs the most be there for her or him no matter what happends because thats what friends or family does or if he or she says no just leave them alone for awhile but dont completely leave them they will still need the support of a loved one.

282. McKenzie 28 Mar 2012 @ 11:57 pm

     Spencer,
     I can relate to your girlfriend she actually sounds like she has my life completely she is probably depressed because her parents are not together anymore i know thats how i felt when mine got divorced. She probably doesnt want her mom to have this boyfriend because he ignores her and dosent care about her that is how i felt when my mother had her two boyfriends and they put me outside because they didnt like me. your girlfriend definetly needs you at this point stay with her she will need that love and trust me she will get better im 16 and i am getting through it it took alot and hospitalization but i am working on it if she needs anything just make sure you are there for her. if there is questions just email mckenzief.ohs@hotmail.com i will answer back

283. tough times 13 Apr 2012 @ 11:03 am

     Hi Spencer,

     Your girlfriend needs to get help urgently. Naturally, you didn’t say where you live but if you are in the UK in most cities there are youth counselling agencies which are free. All the ones I know, I am a youth worker so I know a lot of them, you can self-refer. Since she has tried to kill herself already there may be services involved. I also think that you need support too. Being emotionally involved with someone suffering with depression is incredibly difficult, as you can probably tell from the previous posts. A counsellor for yourself, to help you support her and look after your own needs and emotions is important. I don’t know if you know about counsellors but I know many people feel scared and foolish about seeing them for the first time. I still feel foolish and I have seen many counsellors. Don’t worry. If you or girlfriend feels uncomfortable with one, find another one. The right one will make you feel okay about talking to them about anything or even not talking. Its difficult to offer more advice than this after one email as it sounds like your girlfriend is living with a difficult situation and there are so many things I don’t know, such as how she will respond to being advised to go to a counsellor. She might hate the suggestion. Generally, if you listen to people they will come up with what they need but often don’t know how to go about getting it – that’s the best time to suggest things, such as counselling. Counselling would be helpful because it would help her realise she is normal to be unhappy in her situation. It will also help her to realise that she is not responsible for the way her mother is treating her, often it is more about their pain, and she is still a valuable lovely person. I know you are trying to tell her this but when your own mother is acting otherwise, its very difficult to believe, unless you can really see that this is their stuff. Lots of people fail to realise that their whole lives and take responsibility for other people’s psychological issues, so if you can learn to do it at 16 and 17 that would be great. I hope this makes sense and is helpful. If nothing else, keep looking for help and you’ll find it.

284. adr 19 Apr 2012 @ 2:05 am

     i’m writing this as a caregiver. i’ve been dating my partner for about a year and a half now. we were very close friends and often more for about 7 years prior to dating. i’ve always known she’s had real trauma in her childhood (she’s 42 now) and other things in life that have happened to her. her father basically has left her life due to his current wife and other situations. so, to her, she feels she’s lost one parent, and many ways, she has. the depression has really started to get worse as she’s been in therapy now for about a month. i commend her for recognizing and now dealing with all of her past issues that keep her from real happiness and trust in her later years. sometimes i get so frustrated that i can’t “fix” her problems, i know i can’t, but i want to help her in anyway i can. i’m also in therapy, mainly to learn how to help her and myself through this. i know i have to take care of me in order to be strong for her. but when she pushes me away sometimes, it just makes it that much harder. i’ve told her i would not leave her because of all of this, and i mean that. but as a caregiver, sometimes it feels like “am i wasting my time by being there for her” when one day, when she climbs out of this hole she may not want me anymore. she is beginning medication today, in fact. she has refused it for a while now, but finally realizes she needs it. i just need some help on how to help her, how to get her out and doing things she use to love to do. i’ve read a lot of your post, and they are helpful! but i still feel like theres something i’m missing. i guess sometimes i have weak moments and i take things personally when i shouldn’t. like, “i just need to take some time for me”, etc….its hard when all you want to do is wrap your arms around them and hold them. it saddens me that she is so sad. maybe there isnt much more i can do than what i’ve been doing,maybe i just needed to vent? i dont know, i just get so frustrated and feel so helpless at times. like i said before, i told her i wont leave her until she wants me to, and she hasn’t said that she does, but i know its hard for her show me she loves me at times and that hurts. i guess i need to keep reminding myself its the depression, not her.

285. ntomboxolo 19 Apr 2012 @ 4:01 pm

     I recently found out that my partner suffers from depression,I didn’t knw how to reach out to him.everytime I tried talking to him he kept pushing me away.I then read this article now I’m hopeful that I can be of much help to him.this article helped me with understanding how I can help him through this difficult time

286. cheryl 20 Apr 2012 @ 5:02 am

     I was worried about saying the wrong thing, reading this has made me realise I am saying the right things, thank goodness. Thank you

287. Shari Thurer 22 Apr 2012 @ 4:00 am

     As a shrink I’d like to add that psychotherapy often works…especially the deep kind where the therapist is empathic and smart. So, yes, be optimistic!!!
     Shrinkrapper

288. Don 28 Apr 2012 @ 4:01 am

     Please Help Me.

     My wife is finally in therapy for her depression, She finally admitted she has a problem and needs treatment. I am hoping she finds the tools to help herself because she certainly doesn’t seem to want me to help. I don’t know who she will be from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. Small things can set her off in a rage that may last from minutes to hours, with a lingering seethe that may last days. When she picks fights with me for seemingly no reason, I try to stay quiet and hold my tongue, for fear that any comment I make will enrage her more and make the arguement last. That battering leaves scars on my heart, as I feel betrayed that someone I trust and love so much would inflict such rage on me. If I do say something, the WAY I said it trumps WHAT I said. I want my wife back.

     We have been married for 26 years, 3 wonderful children with our 9 year old remaining in the house. For all 3 children I have seen the pain in their faces during her drunken or drug induced rants, and I have done all I can to protect and shield the children by staying close and showing them that I would never treat them like that – I am trying to remain a foundation of stability. Things have been so bad lately that sometimes the only reason I stay is for my daughter. I will never leave her. I want my wife back.

     My wife is wonderful in so many ways, she has chosen to be a Stay At Home Mom and I have supported her. She cares (when sober or “normal”) for the children like a lioness to her pride. The house is always well maintained, clothes washed, and she is a master chef in the kitchen providing fantastic sit-down-at-the-table meals for us. She is BEAUTIFUL with the softest skin, warmest eyes, gleaming smile, and laughs with her whole body. Even though she has let herself go lately, put on a lot of weight (which I know she hates), I can’t tell her that it turns me off sexually for fear of what it would do to her ego. Our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing for 2 years, her frequent drunk/depression induced rages turn me off completely and prevent me from being happily intimate. I want my wife back.

     We first went to counseling 2 years ago mainly for our troublesome daughter’s performance in high school, which turned into couples counseling. Late last year we tried a marriage counselor, on our first appointment she was drunk and couldn’t make a coherant sentence. I want my wife back.

     Please Help Me.

     I’m trying to get past my pain and focus on helping her heal. Even though she tells me, “I Hate you. I don’t want you. I don’t love you, I love someone else. You don’t protect me. You don’t protect the children. You don’t make enough money.” it hurts everytime and spins me into anger that I try to qwell. Last summer, on the way to a camping trip with our 9yo daugher and her friend, she told me that she had an affair with my best friend 20 years ago, and that our middle daughter might not be mine. We separated for 2 weeks, her and our 9yo staying with my oldest son. I bought a drugstore DNA test for me and my middle daughter, the results were positive, thankfully I am the father. Even though I told her I forgave her and we can work on our relationship, that still hurts. I want my wife back.

     Please Help Me.

289. Alfred 28 Apr 2012 @ 12:00 pm

     Don

     It seems from your post that you are reaching out for help to deal with the backlash that you are experiencing as well as seeking a solution that will help your wife.

     It is very hurtful when a relationship that has lasted so long takes a turn like that. The fact that your wife has admitted that she has a problem is a good thing because in therapy she will be able to talk with someone who will not be hurt by what she says..

     Your wife must be going through a mid-life crisis that is made worse because of the depression. This must be very deeply disturbing for her.

     It appears that she has reached a stage in her life when she is evaluating where she is at and comparing it with what it could be or what it could have been.

     As you said, she has been a wonderful wife and mother and that part of her will always be there, though it’s presently lost among turmoil and confusion.

     The anger you feel is understandable and it must be hard to hold it within when she tells you, “I Hate you. I don’t want you. I don’t love you, I love someone else. You don’t protect me. You don’t protect the children. You don’t make enough money.”

     These words come more from her turmoil and unhappiness rather than a direct attack at you.

     At the same time you may need to take some time out for yourself to evaluate where you are at. Is there anything about yourself that you think could need improving?

     Your inner reaction to her words are understandable, but they are your reaction, and your reaction could instead be one of love, understanding and compassion. Remember the old cliche? “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

     So if you react to her words and criticism with love and compassion, you will feel better within yourself. At the same time, if there is anything about yourself you think should change, then go ahead and change it.

     This blog is not a place for advertising, so I can’t really say I have something that may help you or your wife. I hope the words i provided here will bring some temporary comfort. If you click on the link, you will find something else.

290. Trying to help 3 May 2012 @ 4:58 am

     I have a close friend that has been battling anxiety/depression for years now. She’s well aware of her condition, but is convinced that she will never get better, that no doctor will help her and that nobody understands her. I am not sure what to say to her anymore or how to help. I feel that she needs appropriate medical attention, but I cannot forcefully make her go. Any advice is much appreciated. cureiouslypink@gmail.com

291. Kristine 3 May 2012 @ 6:57 am

     My partner of nearly 6 years suffers from depression. I realise this now for sure after reading what everyone else has said on this site. He does not believe that he has a problem and yet I constantly see him sinking into a dark hole and it takes him a long time for him to get out of it again. He has been going through these dark patches for the whole time that we have been together. He has told me that he has never seen the point in lots of things, like going out for dinner, going shopping or going to the cinema although these are things that until recently we did all the time. He has reached the worst point that I have ever seen him at, last night he told me that he wants me to leave him because he cant give me what I need. I cant leave him though, I love him too much and I have invested too much of my life into him to give up on him now. I dont know how to approach the subject of depression with him as any time that I have ever suggested he should see a doctor he shoots me down and tells me that it isnt something that can be cured and that he isnt depressed, but everything points to him being depressed. How can I help him if he cant recognise that his problem needs treatment and is not something that he just has to live through? Has anyone been through this with their partner, refusing to seek help and rejecting me? Thanks x

292. jean 8 May 2012 @ 4:43 am

     Hi, my partner of 2 years suffers from depression due to health problems that happened to him when he was younger. He has a daily battle with his health which effects day to day life. He was very honest about his health from the begining and we’ve been through a lot together, which has made us stronger. He was diagnosed with depression properly about 6 months ago and goes to counselling once a week. I have been very stupid and not realised how much hes been suffering. I didn’t know a lot about it and just thought he would get better. I have only just read up on it properly and have realised i have not been there for him as i should of been. We are getting married in 4 months but i’m scared i have ruined everything. We had a major arguement which was fueled by alcohol. Everything came out as it does and i said some horrible things i didn’t mean. He is so upset with me and i fear i have made his depression worse instead of helping. Why didn’t i research it before and understand more! I’ve been so caught up with work and not been supportive enough. I’ve been very stupid, i just hope i haven’t ruined the best thing in my life. If you have a partner who is suffering from depression research everything you can and support them 100%. Don’t underestimate depression.

293. Anjayla Stafford 22 May 2012 @ 7:56 am

     I am suffering from depression and I do like to be left alone and not be bothered with anyone. I do sleep all day and all night. I have a friend who is a good friend to me and cares about me a lot,the only thing is she wants to be with me everyday of the week and sometimes that annoys me because I want to be alone all the time and she insists on being with me a lot. I appreciate her support but as I said I want to be alone but knowing that she cares enough about me to come visit me,and call me,and invite me to go out with her does make me feel good to know someone cares about me. I tell her when I want to be alone but she is determined not to let me be alone.She doesn’t push me to do a lot of things,and she offers to help run errands,or help clean up around the house,she offers to walk my dog and feed my cat for me especially on days when I am too exhausted to get out of bed or if I’m to exhausted to do anything.She even offered to go with me to get help and I feel truly grateful to have a wonderful friend such as she is.

294. McKenzie 23 May 2012 @ 11:07 pm

     To anyone that is suffering from depression.
     HI i recently suffered from depression and on top of that i was abused and all i wanted to do was crawl into a dark corner and sit there and i did for awhile but it doesnt help to be alone and my best friend notice that she was there everyday talkin to me and askin me how i felt and most of the time i said not so great but she kept trying and she got me doing things that i love to do so much i went back to my high school the next week and people were there to support me and i am so thankful to have a friend that cares enough about me to do that. if you have a friend who wants to be there let them you never know what they are going to do for you and you might just get better. go out and have some fun dont dwell on the problems it will just make it worse. i may be no expert but i do know what i am talking about because i recently suffered and i do still have my days but everyone that cares and loves me helps me through it by making me laugh or they sit and talk to me. Just let friends and family do everything they can to help you because they dont want you to be alone they want to be there for someone they truly care about you.

295. pasadena psychologist 28 May 2012 @ 5:36 pm

     The most loving thing you can do for a depressed loved one is find a good psychologist or therapist and take them to their first session. People who are chronically depressed need help— it’s not an illness that should be managed without help. If your depressed loved one refuses help, then you should let them know that their decision to remain untreated is hurting you and that you can’t hang in there if they refuse to take care of themselves.

296. H 28 May 2012 @ 10:50 pm

     Hi

     I just want to say thank you for writing this article. My boyfriend is suffering from quite severe depression and I desperately want to help him and this has helped me realise that I am doing things right and has given me hope that we can work through it together.

     Thank you for sharing.
     H

297. Genniphur 30 May 2012 @ 4:47 pm

     My husband has been dealing with depression for just over a year, and I have finally decided that I need help, which is why I am here. We have been together for 10 years, and married for 3. He has never had an issue with depression in the past. In fact, I went through a depressive state and was extremely suicidal about 5 years ago, and he was the one who convinced me to go into counseling. I did, and the work that my counselor and I did together helped me tremendously, and I have been depression free ever since.

     He has been in and out of work for the past year, working well under his qualifications, doing work that he has no passion for. I believe this to be the source of his depression, for a number of reasons. He always talks about how “this isn’t where I saw myself at this age” and “you must be so dissapointed that you married me”. I have a great job that brings in more than enough money for our family, and although he tries to be relaxed about the fact that his wife is the bread winner, I know that he feels completely inadequate.

     We get in fights all the time, and he is very hurtful to me (verbally). If I say something nice to him, like “Thanks for working so hard for us” he assumes im being sarcastic and tells me that I’m rubbing it in that he brings in only a little money. OR, he will turn it into something negative, and say “Yea I worked 8 hours, but it’s only about a sixth of what you brought in from your day”.

     If he is in an obviously depressed mood, I feel like I have tried every approach, and failed. I learned quickly that pushing a positive outlook on the situation would just make him mad. I have also tried sympathizing, and he turns defensive and tells me that I have no idea what he is dealing with. Or he will cry, and just say over and over that I don’t deserve him. I feel like if I’m nice, it makes him feel more guilty and depressed. If I am realistic, and try to shed a realistic light on the situation, he gets mad and says Im being mean, and that I need to be more supportive. If I try to distract him with something else, or make light of a situation, he tells me I don’t care about him. If I do nothing, and give him time alone, he tells me that I must not care about him, and that I’ve made things worse.

     I have asked him what he needs from me, and every day its something different. One day he needs one thing from me, and the next day that same approach will set him off and he will be screaming at me, and telling me I’m doing everything wrong.

     I am a nurse, and I have been trained to deal with people who are hurting like this. For the past year I have endured countless unwarranted attacks from him, and I have kept my cool and done the best that I can do to be therapeutic towards him.

     I am starting to feel like I can’t take it anymore. My patience is getting shorter, and I’m starting to want to tell him to just ‘snap out of it”, which I obviously know would be a step in the wrong direction.

     He refuses to go to counseling, he refuses to talk to friends or family about his depression. He acknowledges that he is depressed, but is unwilling to look for help.

     I just don’t know what to do! My husband is such a wonderful person, and I know that this too, shall pass. However I feel like I have to start taking care of myself, and I don’t know how to do that while simultaneously helping him. I will take time to be with friends, I work out, I do fun activities to try and keep myself sane… but it’s starting to take a toll on me.

     This board has already offered me with a lot of insight on his situation… but my heart hurts for him, and I want to help him like he helped me years ago, and I’m at a loss as to how.

298. Paddy Gorman 6 Jun 2012 @ 9:16 am

     I am suffering from depression and have attempted suicide. I am now coming out the other side. It is hard as people do not understand the feeling of being alone in your head. I do not want to let my family down, I do not want my freinds to think I am crazy, what if kids say to my kids your Dad is mad, what if my wife thinks I am not a real man. Thease are the thoughs of a depressed man, to help him make him talk. Tell him you understand and will support him and most of all hug him and hold him for now he needs you more than ever. I am alive today and will be at my sons wedding because of people support and not silence about my illness.

299. Lisa 20 Jun 2012 @ 10:58 pm

     I am new to dealing with someone with depression and have never had any contact with the illness before. My boyfriend of a few months and I have had a whirlwind romance up until his ex killed herself last week and left a note stating that it was because she knows he is now in a new relationship. My boyfriend has had depression before and has a family history of it. This event has sent him spiralling into depression, he is not sleeping or communicating at all. We live 200 miles apart so I feel totally helpless, he has said he needs to be on his own for a couple of weeks to deal with this. He has seen the doctor and is seeing a counsellor this week. What do I do? I don’t know how to help him? Do I just wait it out? This is hard when we normally have so much contact and I cannot help but feel rejected. I need some advice as to how to handle this and help him through it. He is racked with guilt and feels it is all his fault.

300. Paige Lucas 22 Jun 2012 @ 1:13 pm

     Thank you soo much. My boyfriend is majorly depressed, he will get up, he will come to school, but he use to have a 95% average in school and now he has 62%.. I was so unsure of what to do, this helps a lot. I kind of have an idea now, once again, thank you!

301. Dontwanttoburden 5 Jul 2012 @ 2:11 pm

     I have been struggling with depression since I was 13 I am now 25. I have been in a relationship for 3 1/2yrs after reading most of the post by the caregivers I really realize how much of a burden i am…it was never my intention to make him hurt or make him feel anything close to what I feel. I kind of new it though, he always tells me he loves me no matter what…but if I’m hurting him is love worth it? I already hurt constantly, and I don’t want to be the reason his smile is starting to fade. I love him with all my heart, but maybe its better to let him go. I’ve always thought I was supposed to b alone, but ive always been told that my thoughts are distorted but you guys confirmed that some of my thoughts are true so maybe me supposing to be alone is true too.

302. annasun 11 Jul 2012 @ 7:46 am

     I’ve recently been very hurt by someone I love. I was seeing the same man for two years and he refused to make any kind of reel commitment to me. Although we would do things together and spend a lot of time together he would nevwr call me his girlfriend.He had his heart broken by a woman he was in a relationship for five years with. I was always very paranoid about this woman as she would often try make contact with him when we were together. I asked him about her several times and he denied he still had any feelings towards her.

     After several months I confronted her asking her to stop contacting him when she broke down and told me that she had been seeing him for the last 11 months and that he had told her we were finished. I was absolutely heart broken and extremely down about it. I was trying to get over him and deal with the hurt he has caused when he would not stop contacting me explaining how it was the biggest mistake he had ever made and that he loved me and she tricked him with her manipulative behaviour
     I refused to go back there and he has since turned to me and told me he was diagnosed with clinical depression a few years ago and he has never told anyone before but the reason he told me is because of how much I have been affected by his actions. I want to be there for him but I’m still feeling worthless after how he has treated me and don’t know whether I can be of help. I also think it was the break up with this person that triggered this depressio so i’m also afraid fort this reason. please someone give me some advice.
     Thank you,
     ANNA

303. Jill 21 Jul 2012 @ 5:11 pm

     I wonder why I stay. It gets better then horrible again. My husband is sooooo agitated at everything I do. If I don’t say anything it doesn’t make it better. If I say something it doesn’t make it better. Tell me why I should put up with being treated like this? This is a one sided problem. I can see it but can’t I can’t help him. I have to cover his depression for the kids…really? Let’s face it, they see it. I am drained beyond belief. It is awful but my best advice to someone dealing with this is get get out while you can. I am sorry, but I regret that I didn’t get out before we had kids.

304. kat98 27 Jul 2012 @ 11:19 am

     I am 15 and my mum has depression, I think it was brought on because her back and neck, arms etc are really bad and she had to give up her job and can’t really do much and is in chronic pain all the time.

     I help around the house as much as I can but I don’t really know what is best to do. Recently my mum got really really bad, the worst I have seen and I felt so so awful, and selfish for thinking it but it was at a really bad time – lots of exam, my dad promised if there was anything he could do to help he would and he thanked me for everything I was doing but he never really did anything. Now school has finished I’m not sure why but I expected my mum to be better but she is just worse, maybe because my sister is away this week. She keeps saying that she feels she is putting too much on me and that I shouldn’t help as much – I should be a teenager but I have to help, I love my mum so much, and my dad can talk the talk to me but i don’t think he would ever go on a site like this, or realise just how ill my mum is, and I don’t think he would ever be understanding, and not talk about himself when my mum tries to tell him things, but she is terrified that their marriage will break up, and I am too. Sometimes I think it would be better if they did but then I realise how much we need my dad and I do love him, just not like him all the time.

     Sometimes I feel that she is being really self-centred and childish but I know that is the depression and not her at all. Sometimes we talk a lot and she is ok ish but other times she just can’t and it is hard not to be hurt that she doesn’t/can’t talk to me and it is even harder because I know that if it was her she would never be like this.

     I don’t want my mum to know that I think of myself as her carer as I know she doesn’t want to burden me, but she has had depression for six years I think and I have to help her, I don’t think she can get out of this alone. She says that she feels that there isn’t much left of what makes her herself, and that she feels she is falling apart and I just don’t know what to say.

     I just needed to say that and get that out, I never post on these types of things but I really need to say this. It is nice to say it as i don’t think I could ever say this to someone who would really understand, but it seems that there are lots of other care givers out there.

305. Alfred 27 Jul 2012 @ 1:42 pm

     To ANNA

     You have been helpful and supportive to the same man for two years even though he refused to make any kind of real commitment to you. That indicates to me that you have a lot of strength and love within you.

     You did things together and spent a lot of time together but he never called you his girlfriend. He probably needed a friend and you were there for him.

     I would say you have been a very good and devoted friend, and that is very positive.

     He told you his heart had been broken by a woman he was in a relationship with for 5 years but she started to see him again. He should have told you but was he too needy and depressed to see clearly enough to do that.

     You want to be there for him and that’s very noble of you. Nobility is a worthwhile quality to have, however you need to consider your own wellbeing.

     It is very difficult to break through to someone who is caught up in depression no matter what the cause. Very likely your energy will be drained then you will need rescuing yourself.

     He must find his way out of the depression without you taking any more emotional hurt. You will have to become bullet-proof if you want to maintain this friendship.

     You must consider your own worth and wellbeing first. You have to be there for yourself first otherwise you are not there for anyone, especially after the way you feel you have been treated.

     Take a break from the situation and reassess it, with special emphasis on your self, your wants, your needs and peace of mind.

     I believe peace of mind is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Make a decision now to accept this gift for yourself.

306. Hails 8 Aug 2012 @ 9:37 pm

     Every website I go to doesn’t actually help me help my friend. I keep looking for answers but then realise that there isn’t any. But what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t try to help, however impossible the situation is?

307. Amanda 8 Aug 2012 @ 10:37 pm

     For a while now me and my partner have not been getting on. we have been together nearly 2 years and to begin with we had a fantastic relationship. The last few months have been hell. He got himself in a bit of debit and was struggling to pay bills etc. He never had any money and this used to get him down alot. However he would never tell me and when i did find out he would not let me help him. He was private renting a house and the end of the tenancy was coming up and we had planned to get somewhere together. However he said he couldnt afford to and decided to declare himself homeless. After weeks and weeks of worry at where he might be put he has eventually been given a nice 2 bedroom flat. However as all this has been happening i have noticed that he is not the same. He doesnt hold me like he used to, he doesnt kiss me, he doesnt want to have sex. I honestly thought it was something i has done and we would argue about it all the time. I would ask him what was wrong and he would say nothing. over the weekend he got us at the crack of down and slept on the couch. He never moved from the couch all weekend. I questioned him again about what was wrong and it just turned into and argument. Yesterday i had finally had enough so told him we needed to sit down and talk. Thats when he has admitted to me that he is depressed and he feels that he is losing it. He now says he doesnt know if he wants to be with me but he still loves me. He wont tell me to leave but he also says he doesnt want me to help him. This is breaking my heart and i have no idea what to do. I am 29 years old and have never delt with anything like this. He says he wont go to the doc and he feels that he will be put in hospital. What do i do? i cant lose him but i am finding very difficult to understand and to take all the negative things he is saying.

308. Alfred 10 Aug 2012 @ 11:17 am

     To Amanda,

     This is a very difficult time for you too. I have been through depression myself and I realize how it must have affected those around me.

     Your boyfriend is depressed and will not go to the doc and does not want you to help him. You are helping by just being there for him.

     If you can prepared healthy, nourishing meals for him, encourage him to go on walks, maybe go with him. Good nutrition and excercise always helps.

     Helping depressed people is something I now do professionally. This is not the place to advertize my services but you could find something that will help both of you if you click above on my name.

     All the best to you Amanda.

     Yours sincerely,
     Alfred

309. Beetle 12 Aug 2012 @ 8:02 pm

     I don’t think I can handle my partners depression any Longer! He won’t take his meds he won’t listen to anyone and nothing I seem to do is helping, he refuses to see a doctor and it’s crushing both of us! I want to help but I’m utterly helpless I can’t stand the abusive language and his mood swings! What do I do?

310. Alfred 13 Aug 2012 @ 3:38 pm

     To Beetle,

     Depression can affect not only the depressed person but also those around that person.

     If you think you can’t handle your partner’s depression any longer and nothing you seem to do is helping then you need to loo after yourself first!

     If both of you are crushed then you won’t be able to help anymore anyway.

     Your partner is not listening to anyone, not taking meds and is refusing to see a doctor. It is possible he could have given up and believes nothing will help any more. Despair and hopelessness are symptoms of depression.

     The abusive language indicates hee could have a lot of anger within and it is hard to deal wit it.

     You may think you’re utterly helpless but just being there could be helpful in itself.

     If you really want to help and can’t stand the abusive language and his mood swings any longer, maybe you should leave him to himself. He will have to take responsibllity at some stage in his life.

     If you think he might harm himself or others, then you should seek local help. Your church, community centre, a doctor or maybe even the police.

     Alfred

311. Emily 3 Sep 2012 @ 9:01 am

     I’m in the same situation as above, but with my mother and not my partner. She does take medication, but as she’s also an alcoholic (and alcohol is a depressant for those who may be wondering why this would affect it) they don’t help. She’s been depressed since before I was born. I’m 21 now and when I was younger, she was always doing things as a cry for help. She took me and my sisters to a refuge and tried to kill herself and divorce my Dad, because she blames him for it, although in the last 3 months or so I found her depression originally stemmed from an ex she had more than 30 years ago who she never let go of. About 5 years ago, she seemed to calm down – she was still depressed but seemed to accept it rather than to make those cries of help as she did when I was younger. Her blame on Dad caused a lot of arguments and some situations that bordered on violence, and although he isn’t a great listener, he never stopped financially supporting her and they are still married. Having had this upbringing, I also suffered from depression from a very young age up until around a year ago. I never had counselling – well, I had one counselling session, but the counselor kept cancelling…Not very useful…And I never went on anti-depressants after seeing that they did not help my mum at all. I fought it myself, I decided that wasn’t who I wanted to be and I broke out of it somehow. High school was hell for me and I still find it very difficult to get very close to people having had my trust broken many times, but somehow I got rid of the person I’d been for years in order to make a life for myself. My mum, however, is now almost 52. She has any number of health problems due to her drinking and what she perceives as a stressful life which brings me to my current problem. After finding out her depression was stemmed from the ex she never let go of (after he rang up out of the blue) I decided this would be the perfect turning point for her. My younger sister (20) is currently studying Psychology at University and having been through quite severe depression myself I understand part of what it takes to snap out of it. We’re very mentally mature for our ages, so having identified what the depression stemmed from, for the last 3 months we’ve been working like never before to get her off her feet some more. Our house is a dump site and she rarely goes out and exercise is good for depression, so we started going through large areas of the house to clear up and I took her to the shops more often which is a nice short walk. It was going very well and she seemed a lot more positive until two weeks ago. I went to visit a friend for a while, but spoke to my sister on the phone to make sure the tidying was still going on but she said no, mum seemed more depressed than ever, and when I came home three days ago she was still very very depressed. Her mum passed away just over a year ago, but my Mum heavily grieved then, and still was not quite in the state that she is in now. The only other things that could have sparked it is my dad having been laid off work suddenly just before I went to visit my friend, but my dad has been out of work for a couple of years previously throughout the recession, and she didn’t get anything like this then. When I was younger and mum had her cries for help, I hated her for making our lives hell. I didn’t quite understand depression then to the extent that I do now, but in effect, it was down to her depression that her and Dad argued as much as they did, it was down to it that they both drank heavily, it was down to it that I was depressed, it was down to it that I was bullied at school and a number of other things. Now, after straining my own mentality to pick her up off her feet, she’s acting as though something is seriously wrong and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hate her – I don’t love her, but in time that may have come about – but I cannot deal with this. As stated before, I am 21, by this point in my life, I feel that I should have a job and my own place to live. I’m currently in the process of searching for a job, but her moods wind me up so much I end up in tears from anger which obviously stops my productivity. Just earlier today, I said “I think I’d like to go traveling when I’ve got some money together” and she replied with “I think I’d like to be 6 foot under.”
     It’s very hurtful that’s somehow with seemingly no trigger, she’s stopped caring about my life or my sisters and I don’t know how to handle it.

312. Alfred 3 Sep 2012 @ 11:50 am

     Hi Emily,

     It seems to me that there is too much to deal with here. Therefore I believe the primary responsibility should be toward yourself.

     Your mother may recover and improve in a hospital under professional care and this could be costly.

     She could also try Alcoholics Anonymous as a support group.

     I know you are wanting to do the right thing by being helpful and supportive but maybe you should consider your own sanity first and simply get out of there.

313. Lily 10 Sep 2012 @ 8:47 pm

     Hi I have been with my partner near a year now and he has a sick child and to start with our relationship was great but after 6 weeks things started to change his mood went from being real happy to all of a sudden change real rapidly with no explanation, for the past 6 months every few weeks his mood changed and he says i deserve better as he is worthless and finds life difficult, he looks at it as the world is on his shoulders and everybody is against him, things got really bad when we moved in with each other 8 weeks ago and for the last 5 weeks things have got worse, he tells me he doesnt love me and that he has no feelings for me and then he wants to make it work then he doesnt and then he feels hes about to have a nervous break down and changes his mind constantly as to what he wants in life, he says at the moment i am not the one for him but his moods are constantly changing, one minute he is on a high the next he is on a real low. it almost seems like he has bipolar, but he is having difficulty letting go of the past with his ex wife and finds it hard to let people in and trust them as he has major paranoia problems and trust issues, he feels all i do is slag him off but i merely confide in my friends as I cant talk to him as he only hears what he thinks hes hearing which is negative things rather than what the person is actually saying, he is rather negative about life but when he is happy he is completely different but lately he isnt happy and has turned to drinking at the weekends which has lead to anger and lashes out at me. I dont know what I can say or do anymore to help him? and I am desperately looking for answers? as he is completely unrecognosiable to when I first met him? whatever problems we have he confides in his ex wife and she even cuddled him the other day as he near broke down in tears which in my eyes isnt right? but hes so messed up right now? I dont know how or what I can do to help him anymore? am I best letting this man go out of my life? or do I stay and hope by me telling him almost every day that he is worth more than living in the past? and that i love him? will change things cause at the moment that isnt working and all i keep getting back is you deserve someone who loves you? as I am just going to drag you down with me? he says he cant see himself ever loving me? but i dont know if hes just saying these things as he is so depressed he feels i deserve more? he has threatened suicide a couple of times when hes been drinking which is a worry, but I am at the end of my teather and not sure where to turn anymore? please someone give me advice?

314. Amber 17 Sep 2012 @ 1:59 pm

     Reading all of these comments has given me some insight into depression, but I’m still at a loss in my own situation. As many people have stated, when you’re caring for somebody that is depressed it’s hard not to take certain things personally.

     Let me start out by saying that I am with the love of my life, he is the most amazing man I have ever met and is so strong and steadfast in his beliefs. I am 22, he is 23, and we are 7 months pregnant. I had a really rough life growing up. When I was young my parents were never really involved in anything that had to do with my life, but I had a lot of potential, I knew from a very young age that I was never going to be handed anything in life, that I was going to have to work for it if I ever wanted to get out of this cycle my family was in, so I threw myself into school work. By the time high school rolled around I was in something called the IB program, International Baccalaureate, I had full ride scholarships lined up, I had college credits for math, english, and history in 10th grade. I was in a good place mentally, I was ready to get out of my situation and start making a life for myself. I was hopeful. When I was 16 I was forced to move out on my own due to an incident with my stepfather – after which my mother decided to stay with him and I had nowhere to go. I lived in my car (that I had purchased myself from my own hard earned money) for 3 months. All the while I was trying to continue my schooling and work so that I could pay for a place to live. I finally got an apartment of my own at 17, but the bills and rent were so hard to maintain that I was working nonstop and had no time for school. I ended up dropping out of IB first, but continued going to school in general classes. Long story short, no matter how hard I tried it was too much for me and I ended up falling 3 credits short of graduating. After this I fell into a deep depression. I figured all my hopes and dreams had gone out the window and I really had nothing left for myself, I had no family, no real friends, I was all alone and had no hopes of climbing out of that hole. So I gave in to drugs and alcohol – just distractions from my real life. Something to pull me away from having to deal with what was going on around me. I had a bf at the time that I had been with since I was 16 and that was really all I had, and then one day I found out he’d been cheating on me. With my cousin. For nearly 2 yrs of our relationship. I was 20 at the time and completely devastated. For a couple of weeks I wallowed in my own self pity, wondering what I was going to do with myself, where I was going to go (we had been living together, I had no vehicle – he had wrecked it) and finally I just snapped out of it. One day I realized that I was never going to get anywhere if I just kept taking a backseat in my own life, I needed to start working again like I had when I was young or else I truly had no hope at all…my only savior would be myself. I was all I had. So I stopped smoking marijuana, stopped drinking and started picking up as many shifts as I could at work. I pulled myself out of my shell and decided that the only way I could have a better life in the long run is if I did SOMETHING for myself right now. I saved up enough money and moved to NY where I lived with my dad for a few months before getting a job and finding my own place to live.

     During this time I had met a man online (yes the one I have aforementioned) and we talked for 6, 7, 8 hrs a night on the phone. He was in the army getting ready to leave once his contract was up in the next couple of months and he was just perfect, I couldn’t have possibly asked for a better man. Hearing his voice every night put a smile on my face that I couldn’t wipe off. In our many conversations he had admitted to me that he suffered from depression in the past and had been on medications but that it was a while ago and he was much better and hadn’t been on medications for some time. That like me, something had just clicked and he pulled himself out of it. After he returned to NY we moved in together and started a new life, together. Because we both had decided it was exactly what we needed, a new life. Everything was fine for the most part…every once in a while he would be a little down or a little blue for a few days but it was never anything serious and he always came out of it. Well, I got pregnant, and it was a surprise…which he’s taken fine to! He’s excited about our son and can’t wait to see him the day he’s born, I can see the love in his eyes when he rubs my belly and feels our little baby kicking him. But despite all of that, things have taken a turn for the worse. He has a steady job, which he doesn’t hate, but he’s gotten depressed again and it’s gone on for a good couple of weeks now. Since I got pregnant he’s had a couple of melt downs and I’m afraid he’s going to have another and I don’t know what to do. It has nothing to do with the baby he says, just life in general.

     Because I’m pregnant, part of me feels like I can’t be as strong for him as I need to be. With the hormones, and my already bad past, sometimes he says things and I can’t help but get angry, or break down in tears. It’s hard not to take it personally when he says he’s not happy because I’m doing everything I can in my power to make him happy…he is what I live for. I cook, I clean, I pack his lunches for work, I wash his clothes…I’m a shoulder to cry on, I listen when he needs to talk, I give him alone time when he needs it (even though these days it seems to be all the time) and he’s still not happy. None of it is making a difference and I’m at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope and that maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m not the right one, if I can’t make him happy. Maybe I’m the one causing all the issues. I’m starting to feel like I’m going to break down. I’m just a little 1 ton truck carrying 5 tons worth of manure, and my driver wants me to make it all the way across the country without a break. Also, we live in CO now where I have no acquaintances even to go out to lunch with just to get out of the house every once in a while and he’s always got the car with him at work so I’m stuck here doing nothing but cooking and cleaning all day long. Any advice would be very well appreciated at this point!

315. Amber 17 Sep 2012 @ 2:06 pm

     Oh and PS he has already said he thinks he needs professional help, but the VA is very hard to talk with! He keeps trying to call to set up an appt and just gets the answering machine every time. Then when they do eventually call back, it’s inevitably when he is at work, and thus continues the game of phone tag. It’s horribly frustrating! He wants the help and can’t get to it!

316. simon 23 Sep 2012 @ 4:58 am

     This is a difficult topic. Depression does seem like a selfish, hopeless disease. For some, it is.

     I’ve suffered from major Depression since childhood. I’ve gone through various therapies and medications and found no relief. Neither has anyone else in my life.

     My mother, in particular has had the most difficult time empathizing, so she has chosen not to. From childhood to early adulthood my problem was exacerbated by having to live with someone who couldn’t provide a any sort of understanding and didn’t want to. Depression sufferers who are raised in such households can develop into serious self-haters, angry and incapable of truly caring for themselves. When we are shown ‘sympathy’ by someone, we reject it outright. We weren’t raised with it, so we are not able to accept it.

     I’ve often told my friends/family when I am in a dark, depressive state to just leave me alone, don’t use treacly language, don’t try to dig me out of it. Go off about your day and leave me to mine. I know it is hard for someone who may care about you to see you in a terrible state, to worry if you’ll attempt something, but there really is no such thing as safety. Some suicides, I’m sorry, cannot be prevented. This is the darkest truth. You might be able to drag someone into a hospital and they might be able to help for a bit, but I can attest, I’ve had suicidal thoughts all my life and I have made two serious attempts. I may make another. I don’t know. I do know, if I get so down again that suicide seems like the only option, I won’t be expressing a need for attention, I will make it happen and there’s nothing anyone around me can do (barring locking me up). It is a dark truth. It’s better to face that than to think you have the power to wish it all away. It’s better not to take the blame for it.

     It is also true that I have spent more years not contemplating suicide. It is true that getting out, staying active somehow, can help in the way no drug or therapy can. A friend who is willing to go out with you and share some activity is the greatest friend you can find. Preaching, coddling, pitying, even sympathizing, are not going to work. If you know someone in the grip of a depressive mood and they’re not responding to you, leave them alone. Keep an eye if you must, but don’t hold up your own life. Nothing makes depression even worse (if that’s possible) than knowing you are the reasons someone else isn’t having a life. Wait for the right moment, when the mood is lifting (yes, they DO), and offer an activity, something you can share doing, like taking a hike somewhere, going to a show, something that gets that person out of the house. It can be a gift.

     The best advice I can give to someone caring for a person with depression is to have your own life. Set the example. Recognize there isn’t much you can change, but you can take care of yourself. If this is someone you love, if they love you, there will be a point where that connection is made that might make the big difference. Don’t expect a pill to do it or a therapist. These might help, maybe for a short time, maybe for a long time or not at all. There’s nothing anyone can predict. Don’t hate yourself for it. Love yourself and take care of yourself.

317. Sam 25 Sep 2012 @ 7:12 am

     My girlfriend has been very depressed for about 4 weeks now ever since she has started college and she hasnt seen me at all (both 18), she thinks that her leaving me is better for the both of us, but i dont want to lose her, i worry about her all the time, i even wake up early in the morning to say “have a nice day at college” and she leaves in a happy mood, then when she comes back shes very depressed and says she has alot of coursework to do which i think is either an excuse not to burden me with her depression and she he in that state, but then there is times where i would say something and she would go back to her old self for just a few seconds then when i bring up her not seeing me she gets all upset again, I dont know what to do, i dont want to ever leave her shes the only thing that i love in this world and the only thing i cannot live without, I know that she has self harmed in the past and im afraid she might do it again, she was gona leave college but her photography teacher convinced her not too, i dont know what to do i just wana get her back to her old self and see me, she doesnt ever seem to like going out and when i’ve asked to see her one weekend she always says no coming up to it, I’ve done some of the things other people on here have said and she seems okay, as soon as i mention her not seeing me she gets upset, shes had counsellors but they dont seem to work neither does medication she just sits in her room and does coursework, I really dont want her to leave me and if i lost her i’d end up doing something very stupid….

     I just wana know if there is anything i can do to help her its been like this for 4 weeks.

318. Lillian 26 Sep 2012 @ 9:21 pm

     Im really worried about my boyfriend. Ive been able to get him off lors and alcohol with xaanax now that I cant get him the xaanax he gets angry because he feels that he needs to drink to keep him normal which again makes him out of control. He’s so normal in the morning but when he starts thinking about life he starts losing it and wants to numb himself. I dont know what to do anymore. He wont get help. His childhood has been hard and obviously transfered into adulthood. I want to help him anyway I can but I dont know how. We live in vegas and Im not stupid he enjoys gambling but its now becoming his comfort zone which if i dont take control of it will take over his and my life. I dont want to enable him. I just want to help him and myself in the process. WHAT DO I DO?? I feel so lost and confused. Dont get me wrong. Im no angel, no one is. But Ive never dealt with this. Im confused worried and dont know what to do. Please Help!!!!

319. daniel 28 Sep 2012 @ 4:08 am

     i really appreciate the effort of this article, but let’s remember that depression is still a medical condition and like all medical conditions, it manifests different on different people. Like someone mentioned before me, sometimes saying nothing is the best thing to do.

     this actually works for me. sometimes being talked to is what triggers it, simply because i feel harassed by the sympathy they try to offer and somehow guilty for not responding as they expect me to.

     so i guess it’s safe to say that sometimes the best thing to say to someone with depression is “Are you ok?” and unless the response is vast, leave them the f. alone.

320. David 5 Oct 2012 @ 3:40 pm

     My dad has been getting very seldom sleep.
     Last night he only got three hours of sleep
     and is always tired.

     He over indulges with eating.
     After meals he has 4 or 5
     slices of bread and maybe 2 bowls of cereal.

     He said once that “he feels like everyone
     thinks he is a bad father.” He also said
     “if he suffocates and no one knows cpr (oh well.)

     I told him today that I want him to live for a long time
     because I care and he is my dad. I would never
     forgive myself if I didn’t do anything or waited
     until the last minute.

     It makes me depressed to see other family members
     hurting or suffering. What else can I do to help?
     He denies he has a problem. Help me please!

321. Thomas Andrews 9 Oct 2012 @ 10:43 am

     Perpetually scolded, you are told that you are strong, you are healthy, you do not have the right to neglect your duties. One distant evening you climb to the very top of a frighteningly tall building and jump. No more petty and worthless feelings, no more insults and feeling like human trash. It’s over, peace at last.

322. Alfred 9 Oct 2012 @ 2:32 pm

     DAVID

     Is there someway you could learn CPR, maybe a local hospital, school or neighborhood centre? There is no guarantee, but this may demonstrate to your dad that you really do care.

323. Alfred 9 Oct 2012 @ 2:40 pm

     THOMAS ANDREWS

     Are you very depressed and is that why you are “neglecting your duties”? People do not understand depression and they have no right to criticize what they do not understand.

     Please do not let yourself feel worthless or like human thrash because of the scolding from other people.

     You are a unique human being so gather the strength to be yourself and you will find the true spirit within you.