How to Support Someone with Depression

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1. Amanda 18 Aug 2007 @ 1:03 pm

   Thank you for this (and your other) helpful, practical post about dealing with a depressed person. My husband (and, by extension, I) has been struggling for a while and today is the day I am finally telling him he needs professional help. I still don’t know exactly how he will handle it, but there are a few good phrases you suggest and an attitude I can adopt so I don’t somehow make things worse. I wish you speed and love in your healing process. Thank you for reaching out at what is surely not an easy time.

2. linda moss 6 Sep 2007 @ 2:30 pm

   there is one thing that needs to be added under the take care of yourself. Avoid feeling guilty when you can not always be understanding. To remember that some time you are going to get angry at the illness not the person. then you are going to feel bad because you got angry or frustrated. alway remember that is is the illness not the person saying some of the things that hurt or ignoring you when you are in need of support. as a child with a parent witn major depression for 30+ years I had to learn that she was not rejecting me when she was so wrapped up in her own pain that she did not see my needs. To remeber that we are not perfect we are going to get frustrated angry and think if not actual say hateful things.

3. Laurie 8 Sep 2007 @ 1:13 am

   This was my first time to this sight. For me I am the depressed one and a lot of problems with family members I think that should read this. Not only depression I have Hepatitis c and siroccos of the liver and ostiopenia. Many reasons among others for my depression I have copied and printed this to let my family know just what is going on with ME. I did also copied Things to say to someone with Depression and Ways to insult someone with depression. I am hoping that my Son, and Mom so they can advice other family and friends. I do believe this information should help a lot. Thank you.

4. Cheeseymomma 9 Sep 2007 @ 2:50 pm

   Depression to me is alot like the song by a group called, Super Tramp, “The Magical Song” ‘When I was young send that life was so magical, …. then they sent me away teach me how to be pratical…. teach me how to be cynical….’ In my family, if you are not cynical, you are weird, don’t belong, I have I guess no people skills and really don’t mix well with others. I have rarely ever felt like I belong anywhere, most people say I just think to much and feel sorry for myself too much. It doesn’t feel that way though, it feels like a deep black hole that I see no way out and no light at the end of the magical tunnel everyone professes there is.

5. Matthew 14 Sep 2007 @ 10:23 pm

   Thank you for this article. I agree with John’s post wholeheartedly. Most people don’t understand, especially when the only see me when I’m doing ok.

   Below is an excerpt from an email I sent my brother.

   Please read this ( http://www.findingoptimism.com/lifestyle/12-ways-to-care-for-a-depressed-person/ ) and related posts. I want you to better understand how difficult it is for me at times. Some days are better than other weeks. Most people don’t see when I am totally immobilized by this illness. Mind you things are getting better from the ongoing therapy (3x per week ++) I’ve been receiving at the Center for Concurrent Disorders. Finally people who understand.

6. james 14 Sep 2007 @ 11:06 pm

   Thank you for your excellent comments.

   When I’m deeply depressed my biggest problem by far is a raging irritability. My wife, who has been very loving and patient with me for years, becomes my chief outlet for angst. When I say “separate the person from the illness” that is really her speaking as the carer. She has learned to recognize when I’m ill, and allow for the fact that I’m a very different person. In particular she has knows how to diffuse situations that I try to create with my nasty, needling comments. She doesn’t take the bait.

   Depression is really a whole spectrum of mood disorders lumped together and people have different symptoms. For some a profound sadness dominates, for others it is anger, or irritability like for me. The advice in the post is general by necessity. And some people do need a good kick up the posterior – there might be nothing better for them than to get outside and on with life.

   I learned a powerful lesson when I first started to recover from depression. Since my teens I thought that I had all sorts of emotional problems, baggage tied up with my family and upbringing. As I became well I discovered that these issues went away, almost completely. I know that many people have very significant problems forming the basis of their depression, but it is an ugly illness that changes you and makes those thought processes so much worse.

7. james 14 Sep 2007 @ 11:36 pm

   There is a book by Julie Fast called either “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder” or “Loving Someone with Manic Depression”.

   While written for a carer of someone with bipolar, the planning and strategies that Julie Fast teaches are very transferable to unipolar depression. If you are having the problem that John is having above then this could be just the thing for you to read.

8. The Depression Dialogue 18 Sep 2007 @ 6:16 am

   [...] noticed from feedback that I’ve received, from two posts in particular (Helping Someone Through Depression and Things to Say to Someone with Depression), that issues and worries facing carers are a major [...]

9. Linda 17 Sep 2007 @ 10:33 pm

   Very moving information. Will print this off for myself, am bipolar, splitting up with husband, found someone else yet is the depressed one. Has taken it out on me, no longer wants to have a wife who is bipolar and care for me when needed but has depression that I think is not being treated by his doctor. He has taken his rage out on me and has called me weird and others say I’m weird too. Very hurtful when you are bioplar so see both sides, depression and bipolar. Not a very good combo. Compares my hospital bills, trying to commit sucide as making him broke, going to go into bankruptcy but charges car parts to equal my hospital bill and then says that we are equal. So unfair.

10. Jamie 17 Sep 2007 @ 11:32 pm

    My sister, who I love more than I can ever hope to express, has been suffering from depression for almost as long as I can remember. While we were never very close growing up, mostly due to the fact that I am 6 years her junior and as children we were both constantly fighting for love and attention from our depressed father and emotionally abusive mother; in recent years we have grown very close. She is my best friend. Four years ago she was diagnosed with ‘manic depression’ and at first that didn’t mean anything to me, but now I find it glaringly obvious how my sister struggles through daily life.

    She considers herself worthless, fat, ugly, ect. But when I look at her I see a woman who has survived through terrible physical, mental, and sexual abuse, who has been living on her own since she was 16, who made it through college and is now a researcher at Yale. I see a woman who has worked her way from a size 14 pant to a 9, who is so amazingly beautiful inside and out… and, while I hate to admit it, sometimes I am so frustrated that she doesn’t see these things as well.

    I hate that she won’t laugh with me anymore, I hate that she’s never happy, that I never say the right things, that I’m not enough to make her better… And I know, that she doesn’t choose to be depressed, that she would give anything to be ‘normal’. I don’t blame her or judge her… I understand that depression takes years of therapy and medication to overcome… if at all possible. But sometimes it’s just so hard… and I feel so guilty that sometimes I just need to leave the situation before I break down… that sometimes I need to leave her… I feel awful about it.

    I’m only 19… and while I’ve lived through a lot for my age, I don’t know how to care for her, like she needs me too; we really only have each other… I’m trying, as best I can.

    My sister often goes back to an un-healthy relationship she has been in, off-and-on, for about 10 years now. When they are off, this guy usually calls me and leaves messages on my voicemail to give to my sister. I never do, but a few days ago he left one saying that my sister told him her therapist wants her to be hospitalized… I can’t help but think I’m doing something wrong…

    I have a very accepting and forgiving nature, while my sister tends to hold things inside and break down… we deal with our struggles so differently…. I suppose that is why I have trouble caring for her and understanding what she needs from me.

    I just needed to get this all out. Thank you.

11. Yen 19 Sep 2007 @ 5:57 pm

    Jamie, I am a bipolar patient (primarily major depression) who was very touched by your post. Your sister is VERY fortunate that you are so caring about her. It is often the case that depressed people come from un-nurturing homes where they cannot develop normal self-esteem and where criticism and punishment are the primary means of correction, rather than teaching and encouraging. This was true for me, and it is only in the past few years (I am now 64) that I feel good about myself, thankful to be alive, and able to face ordinary problems without collapsing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
    Your sister may struggle with this disorder for her whole lifetime. She needs to be encouraged to stand up for herself to anyone who is disrespectful to her, to see her doctor and/or therapist regularly (and speak honestly to them!), to be faithful in taking her meds, and to connect with a good support group. I recommend the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance; they have helped many thousands of mood-challenged people and those who care about them over the past 30 or so years.
    Best wishes, dear. God bless you for your loving, caring heart!

12. Sharon Fifield 23 Sep 2007 @ 10:58 am

    I, too, suffer bipolar (prefer manic-depressive it describes so much better). Mainly, I suffer on the depression side. I relate to Yen so very much. What was said about and to Jamie were right-on. I am fortunate to have surrounded myself by loving and patient carers. I have broken down emotionally way too many times. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have thought about suicide and tried twice. At 62, I’m a bit better with my self-esteem. It is amazing how the emotional abuse of childhood can stay with us so long. I’m too fat, too stupid, too ugly, too lazy, too…….. All of this rooted in my childhood and the family that surrounded me.

    I’m grateful to have found this site and these marvelous people. I hope I can associate for as long as I need to (which will be the rest of my life).

    Hugs to all…

13. Ricky Bobby 6 Dec 2007 @ 9:00 am

    my wife suffers from bipolar disorder and has real bad mood swings and crazy thoughts i dont know what to do to make her happy.she is really good hearted person and all but sometimes says and does stuff she does not mean.i am doing and reading everything i can to learn all about bipolar disorder and what i have learned has helped this relationship a lot.

14. paul 16 Dec 2007 @ 1:36 am

    This is a really, really good post. I tried to write something similar, but your post is way more detailed. Thank you for posting this.

15. Deepak 3 Jan 2008 @ 12:10 am

    very nice advice indeed!

16. sarah 18 Jan 2008 @ 10:44 am

    I have sister whom I have never got along with our whole lives. She lives with an illness, poor academic marks, a weak social network and has nothing to look forward to amongst all of the signs of depression… meanwhile never really opens up to anyone because we’re always so f***ing judgemental. We selfishly exert our thoughts and opinions upon her, thinking that it will help her click out of it and take control of something but it’s all self interest, it only makes us feel better about ourselves in the end.
    My parents are exhausted and feel like failures. and this has made me realise that it is time for me to be a positive influence. All this time i have been reacting negatively to an illness, not her. The illness is present 95% of the time and she is believing that it is her herself.
    I refuse to believe this is a hopeless situation, the way my parents feel, they feel hopeless and helpless.
    I feel so profoundly guilty that I have been detached for so long and left her behind. I am the big sister i should be there i should have always been there.i really have no idea what it is like to be her. i have it so easy in comparison. the complexity of this problem is enormous. i know it will be hard for me to be a real carer but harder for her.
    There is a better future because things change, everything is changeable and transient, even if it is not always in our control.
    Thank you for this page.

17. James Sabo 23 Mar 2008 @ 2:59 pm

    Been in AAs 12 step program for 33 years now and what a good program it is for me. I noticed you have not mentioned AA JIM

18. Gihan 18 Apr 2008 @ 12:39 am

    This list surely look valuable for me, my girl friend is currently suffering from depression so
    this has given me the guidance to help her and bring back those pretty smiles back to her face.
    Thank you so much for this publication.

19. miffy 4 May 2008 @ 5:44 am

    Thank you for the comments.It helped me a lot especially that I’m living with a loved one who is depressed. Please do post more tips if you have helpful materials at hand. This is a big help to all others out there.

20. gracie 15 May 2008 @ 6:41 pm

    very helpful

21. jake 6 Jun 2008 @ 11:47 am

    Does anyone know what the right appoach would be to get the depressed person to seek help from a psychiatrist. There have been many attempts without any success…

22. HeartBroken in Attleboro 24 Jul 2008 @ 11:03 am

    I am a 30 year old man in love with a 25 year old woman who is fighting depression and anxiety. She and I dated for 3 years and recently broke up. She has since pushed me far away and abandoned me in all aspects of the word. The last year of our relationship was the worst. She did nothing but criticize me, belittle me and made me feel that I could never do enough for her. I literally became physically ill taking care of her and her illness. I did not fully understand the nature of this disease and how it effects a relationship. I hate the illness but not her but sometimes the two blur together. I am so heart-broken over this woman because I was going to propose to her within a year and was looking forward to spending my life with her. I think of myself as a real spiritual man and very optimistic. BUT when do you let go? When do you let the illness win and decide to take another step in your life. I know she is in love with me and I know she wants to be with me but her illness tells her something else. When we argued, no matter how simple they were, she called me abusive, neglectful, a batterer. Mind you, I never hit her. She took regular arguments where people raised their voices and made me look like a mad man. She gave me unreasonable demands, like sell my house, or quit my practice! She called me neglectful and said my name was loneliness. I am totally devasted and to the point where I believe I may need counselling. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should handle this? As of now, I have complied with her request and given her, her space to deal with this on her own. But at night, during the day and etc, I think only of her and why this illness has stolen my future wife!

23. Ajay 26 Sep 2008 @ 6:01 am

    Very informative

24. disturbed wife 7 Oct 2008 @ 2:05 pm

    I think my husband is suffering from Depression. I never knew tht actually hes having a prob. Sometimes I hated him and sometimes i blamed him and everyone for putting me ina relationship wit him. I have gone thro’ hell living with him. I don’t know whthere I shld take care of him or just leave him.

25. Christian John 26 Nov 2008 @ 3:13 pm

    hmm.. is this a good idea for a depressed introvert Friend of Mine? oh.. it seems so hard… T_T but thanks!!

26. Jo 17 Dec 2008 @ 2:46 pm

    I have “had” bipolar disorder since I was a teen . I am now 56 and have been without symptoms due to an expert doctor’s help with the RIGHT medicine…for over 25 yrs.!! There are things you can do to “undermine” health…like drink, not rest, pursue unhealthy vocations and activiites, stay in codependent relationshlps with awful people…IF IF IF….you are with someone who has this horrible neurological disease…It is my personal belief that they are due all of the love, compassion, help, patience and support you have and more IF IF IF THEY cooperate and strive to be as healthy as possible…seek help, seek better help if that is not good enough, research and DO what is best ….JUST like a person afflicted with diabetes MUST live with restrictions and diligently tend to their health…so must I. If someone you love is trying to do this then stop complaining about them, recognize that you have things they have to tolerate about you also…any relationship complicates YOUR life. Be sure you want a complicated, interesting, wonderful, full life…with others…before you get on board….children will give you another run for your money too !

27. james 17 Dec 2008 @ 5:48 pm

    Thanks for such a helpful comment!

28. Richard 8 Jan 2009 @ 12:18 pm

    Depression, the curse of western civilization.

    Firstly I have been caring for my wife who suffers with depression for a number of years. I find that the depression is self fulfilling, although selfish, I find that love is good medicine. The dark corridors of the mind are a great interest for me. I find that depression affects intelligent people and can be totally paralysing. To know that the person is loved is only half the battle. I have looked at the holistic approach to care and identified that the past plays a significant part in the depression. Stress, a need to have what others have, jealousy, envy, this modern world that dictates how or what you will be. Unfortunately many people are molded by temperal needs rather than the long lasting even eternally lasting benefits of loving oneself. my advice is to love your whole being you are amazingly uniquely made and believe that you are loved and capable of giving love. Turn aside self fulfilling and listen to the inner self. You will be amazed by what you will see. Thankyou

29. Cheryl 16 Jan 2009 @ 6:33 pm

    Dear Fellow Caregivers… I first found this site about 6 months ago and would come back often to read the helpful advice of those caring for a depressed loved one. My partner has suffered from bouts of depression for as long as I have known him. Because I loved him, I was willing to take the journey with him through the dark times of this illness. He was stubborn and would tell me time and time again – it will pass…. “i’m just feeling down because this happened.” Or “it’s just because it’s been rainy so much.. it makes me feel down”… or any of a dozen things. I tried my best to help him. I read things here and in books and did my best to practice the “what to say and not say to a depressed person”… took all of the valuable advice to heart would force him out of his isolation and do things to build up his self esteem and make him laugh. Everything I knew how to do because I loved him. He often got angry and would try to push me away; and I thought I was doing the right thing to be understanding and encouraging and patient with him. Winter has always been a hard time for him; the dark cold days seemed to get him down. Many of the losses in his life of loved ones happend near the holidays and recently, he had a few setbacks in his work. Being a manic person, he would beat himself up when he failed. He started missing nights of sleep. He lost his appetite. He was weepy about things. I thought it was like the other winter doldrums we had gone through together. On December 15th, my companion of six years took his own life. I am no longer a caregiver; I am struggling to survive the anguish, the unanswered questions and the guilt I am left with. If you love someone who is suffering – they need help. YOU NEED HELP. Nothing I read, anywhere, told me that he might be suicidal and what to watch for. We had a beautiful, loving weekend together (one of those weekends where I thought he was going to be okay). I said goodbye to him and went to work Monday morning and he hung himself in the basement. Loving them isn’t enough. Being patient with them isn’t enough. Trying to say the right words isn’t enough. I’m telling you my story because I was where many of you probably are now… thinking I was doing the right things. Thinking we could figure it out together. Thinking my love and comfort would be enough for him to get past his depressed period. Please, don’t allow yourself the comfort that I thought I had of doing and saying the right things to help the man I loved. He was masking so much that I had no idea about and now he is gone. Forever. Educate yourself. MAKE THEM GET HELP!!! You are not enough for them. If I have said anything to scare you, I can’t say that I’m sorry. I would have given anything if someone had scared me. I wish you all the best. I lived wth it for years and know how hard it is but I’d take any of those hard days back now because having him gone is worse than our worst day.

30. sammi 18 Jan 2009 @ 4:55 pm

    my husband had been acting strange for a few months. very quiet and withdrawn, loosing interest in our kids and life in general. he kept telling me he couldnt handle family life and commitment to marriage. he often discussed moving out to try the single life. he had stopped showing me love and didnt know if he loved me anymore. suddenly to my total shock he packed his bags and left on new years day. its only been 2weeks but he says he’s not coming back, he doesnt love or want me. says not to contact him as he needs space. he says things that he knows will hurt me like he’s living this exciting fast life, out all day and night but i know its a lie. he’s living like a pig in a caravan and sittinin in there all night. told me he’d dumped his wedding ring, but its a lie. he has turned into this horrible bitter nasty man that i dont recognise. how will i ever get him back if he wont admit he’s got a problem. how could things have spiraled out of control in such a short space of time. i’m heartbroken, it hurts to have no contact with him but i have to give him space.

31. james 20 Jan 2009 @ 5:30 am

    Cheryl,

    I want to express my deepest sympathy to you. I can’t fathom the grief and pain that you are going through. I know that everyone who reads your message above will also feel very saddened.

    I want to acknowledge the solid advice that you’ve given here, to always try to get professional help. This isn’t always easy. The majority of people who are very mentally ill don’t think they need any help or aren’t willing to accept it if offered. But it is true that professional help is the best place to start whenever possible.

    On a different note, for other readers, I want to reiterate that I am writing from the perspective of someone with a mental illness (bipolar disorder), and Anna writes from the perspective of a carer. Neither of us are medically trained. In a past post I provided a large number of links on depression treatments, which are good resources from reputable mental health organizations.
    http://www.findingoptimism.com/sleep-relaxation/94-great-resources-for-treating-depression/

    James

32. Brenda 30 Apr 2009 @ 10:21 pm

    I suffer from something…I dont know what! Some call it depression,others call it Bipolar.I have tried medication,counceling,and anything I could to shake this worthless feeling.I dont know what to do anymore.I am pushing my family so far away…my husband is going out of his head not knowing from one day to the next what I am going to be like,,,explosive,crying,uncaring…..What do I do?

33. div 8 May 2009 @ 3:20 am

    i don`t know that may can affect the idependence of the depressed person she has to feel confident but by herself not for others like i say this make the depressed person more dependen of others

34. Kate 19 May 2009 @ 7:39 pm

    Hi all.
    Thank you for this site. The information is really useful. Sometimes when you are trying to care for someone who is severely depressed you get very drawn in also and cannot see the wood for the trees. My relative is 70 now. She has been treated for depression and anxiety professionally for 16 years. Her psychiatrist has her on medication and sees her for about 10 minutes a month and tells her she is doing great. In between she attacks her family verbally, has said she has to live with one of us or will commit suicide, demands constant attention and accuses us of not doing enough for her. Her entire family visit her every day barr one in a week to check she is ok, (no one can do a friday due to work commitments). She was always worst on a friday but now she is really poorly whenever she is on her own. No one can take her in. We have asked for help everywhere but the psychiatrist said that she is doing ok and he doesn’t need to do any more. She rang the crisis team one evening and they came out and gave her information on a group and told her that her family alone cannot deal with her illness and cannot be with her 24 hours a day. We accompanied her to try to get her help with this group (she has been saying for a long time she is lonely and wants to talk to others that understand). She went a couple of times with us and then said that she doesn’t want to mix with nutters and crackers. It frustrates us that she would view others who are struggling with the same issues as her in this way but I do understand she struggles to understand what anyone else is going through and she prefers to talk about herself therefore listening to others in a group is an issue for her. It is so hard for us too as we now don’t go on holiday anymore (we had to cut the last one short as she rang us persistently threatening suicide even though other family members were there to help her), we don’t plan things that will involve being away from her for a day as we know that her issues will escalate in the time leading up to it, We get no respite as a family and are trying to run our own lives and do our jobs as well as cope with this persistent need for attention that my relative has. She is so unhappy and we don’t know what else to do for her and I can see the rest of my family on the verge of cracking. This has gone on so long now with no respite and is actually worsening. My aunt who also cares for my relative that I am talking about is now on medication for depression herself as she is struggling to cope. I recently had a cancer scare and had major surgery and my family were struggling to visit me in hospital as my relative became more depressed as she felt that her illness was being neglected “just because they could not see it” and visiting hours were eating into the time that the family would be with her. She felt very suicidal every time anyone came to visit me. She was asked if she would like to visit me too so she would not be left on her own and she said no as sick people make her depression worse. Life can be really hard for carers too, especially when nothing you say or do helps and demands are made that you physically can’t meet, and when you can’t get any more professional help.

    Again, It is good to read this page to pull me back to the good practice for dealing with a depressed person that I know about but that sometimes goes out of the window when you are under so much pressure.

    Thanks again and best wishes to everyone who has contributed with messages whether suffering from this horrible illness or coping as a carer.

35. SHARYN 25 May 2009 @ 1:12 pm

    My 18 year old daughter suffers from depression which has affected her moods and behaviour her whole life. As a child she was demanding, naughty, defiant, hyperactive, and threw major tantrums where she would beat her head on the ground till it bled. She had problems sleeping and suffered from night terrors. Everyting terrified her. She was diagnosed with ADHD, and I read and learned everything I could on the subject. I tried everything possible to help her, from diet to medication, psychiatrists to music therapists, and most of all kept her busy! As a teenager she suffers from mood swings and feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and sadness. She always threatens suicide, and feels her life is not worth living. She is good at masking these feelings and often manages well even though she struggles with day to day activities. Last night she kicked in our windscreen while I was driving in heavy traffic. I pulled over and we sat while I comforted her until she “overcame” her meltdown. I was worried sick and was not sure if I would have to have her hospitalised. I listened to her abuse and claims that I just do not understand. I admitted that I struggled to understand and that I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to find solutions to her problems. When she had settled and I finally left her, I thought for a long time about the senselessness of it all. She would appear to others to have everything going for her: she has a stable family life with parents who love her and have always supported her. She is beautiful, smart and talented. We are not rich but she seems to get everything she wants. I finally realised that her constant demands are a way to make herself feel better. But what has just hit me is that nothing will make her feel better- no amount of money or attention, and nothing I say or do will make her feel better either. She is extremely demanding-and has everyone waiting on her and running her errands. She is oblivious to other people’s needs, as she feels hers are more important. If anyone dares say no to her, she becomes hysterical and often violent, and threatens suicide. Her perception on life is a negative one, and she believes she has had a terrible life, that life is unfair, and that she is hard done by. She tends to focus on only the negative things in her life, and on what she does’t have rather that all the good things in her life. I will never give up on her, although I am emotionally exhausted and financially drained. I discovered this site today and at least realise that the person, my daughter, and the illness are two different things. I have often experienced anger and resentment toward my daughter – maybe she is just a spoiled brat. But I know that she cannot help these feelings and her behaviour, and if she could change it she would. She is actually a beautiful person, but this illness brings out the worst in her. I guess now I need to understand what I need to do in the future as I maybe needed to care for her indefinitely. It doesn’t help when some family members who don’t understand just criticise. Any advice or comments would help.

36. Juha 28 May 2009 @ 6:36 pm

    Thank you very much for this valuable information.

37. kathbc 6 Jul 2009 @ 1:31 pm

    Cheryl, my deepest sympathy to you, My hsband also finds the holiday season very difficult, but here in the southern hemisphere it is summer. Winter can also be a problem for us. we experimented with alternative remedies as he is allergic to most of the drugs prescribed in the past. food works wonders, but it also helps for him to be really aware of how he is feeling and talking about it. We spend about an hour each day talking about how we each feel and supporting each other through our feelings – both good and not so good. being able to understand the cycles of his moods and the things which can trigger them helps. We have found instant coffee and cola drinks to be the worst triggers for the manic mood which is then followed by a deep depression. I now refuse to have them in the house. I also know that when his mood is beginning to slip that a good high protein and fat meal is required. This will sometimes help if I can get it to him soon enough.
    On the great positive side he has been fairly well now, with no meds, for about 6 years. Prior to this we were learning about his mood swings and through talking and spending a lot of time reprogramming how he thought about himself – this took about 6 years too. There were times when I wanted to commit him but it seems that within 3 days of me reaching my limit he would come right again.

38. Katie 17 Aug 2009 @ 2:19 pm

    I am very thankful for this article as it has provided much guidance for me in this time. My boyfriend suffers from depression and anxiety due in part to the death of his father when he was 16 (he is now 24). At first I was unsure of why he lashed out at me (and the world) the way he does from time to time and many times we have both gotten our feelings hurt. Now with the help of this and many other articles written specifically for care givers of those with depression, I have learned not to take his outbursts personally. It has given me great confidence and courage to continue on (with him)…not just for his sake but also for mine. I think that it has benefited him as well because we are both able to express our feelings, whatever they may be without having to worry or feel pressure to say the ‘right things’. I now know the right questions to ask and in the right ways without making him feel worse. Though this may be a lifelong battle for us, I feel like this article has bestowed much courage upon me to take his hand and continue to weather the storm no matter how severe.

39. Mike Ng 22 Aug 2009 @ 2:40 pm

    My spouse is depressed for as long as I know her even for about 1 year I get to know her. We plan to get married this coming 9th of September 2009 but her condition really drain out most of me as I am losing more and more patient to her and release my anger to her which every time make the situation get more worst. I know she has depression and I dont know how and what I should do to make her feel better. Her situation is very similar to what had Sharyn posted and it is very painful for me to watch her hurt herself every time. She would bang her head until bleed and she said that is the only thing that could relief her pain inside and is the only thing that she is happy to do. She hate everything else, everyone and sometimes including me because I dont know how to care for her and the only thing that I know is to get angry to her and lie to her ( I promised her everything and when i could not do it, she will get depressed and call me liar and start hurting herself). Her father died in an accident when she is young and she said that her father is the only one that love her while her mother does not care so much about her. Plus that she does not have a good environment during her teenage time, she decided not to go to school anymore and her most of her classmate were fighting in the class most of the time and chit chatting during teaching. Then last year we met and we were being together. For the 1st mth, we spend a lot of happy moment and as time goes by, she began to feel depress more and more as time goes by. I am scared that someday, she will commit suicide just like what Cheryl posted and I really want her to be cured. I love her very much and tried to persuade her to go to doctor but she refused every time and said ” I am not sick”. I am worn out from inside out, really feel exhausted. She is kind hearted and happy girl and this sickness make her become this way. Now I am working far away from her and start to think that whether is this the right move to take. I have been working outstation for 4 mths now and each day I am suffering inside until yesterday I search information about depression and realised that how I am treating her was not right at all. I argued with her everytime when she is depress. She have mild suicidal thinking and I know this is getting serious and I don’t want to loose her just like what Cheryl been thru. I really need tips on how to persuade her to go to doctor. Thanks Cheryl for your advice and thanks in advanced for you out there who is will to share with me tips to persuade my love one to get help.

40. MM 29 Dec 2009 @ 4:40 pm

    Do you ever wonder if your spouse/partner is really suffering from depression or just making poor choices? I wonder everyday!

41. Living with a depressed partner? | hbfd 27 Mar 2010 @ 6:55 pm

    [...] http://www.findingoptimism.com/blog/life… [...]

42. anon 16 Apr 2010 @ 2:50 pm

    cheryl you made me cry

43. anon 16 Apr 2010 @ 2:51 pm

    …thankyou, and i am so sorry for your loss.

44. shamro 12 May 2010 @ 6:52 am

    This is such a great article…Right now I m taking care of my mom who is under severe depression.She talks about different types of ilnesses 24/7.Its sad but have to cope up.

45. Neena 26 May 2010 @ 3:22 pm

    My 19 yr old daughter is going thru depression. She has generally been a very happy child but as an infant she suffered from meningitis, due to which her motor coordination has been a bit slow. Following this illness, she has always had problem in coping with her written work in school. But with some effort on her part and help of teachers, she managed to get thru her tests/exams. But, as she was a child who was always struggling to be up to date on her work, she had very little time to make friends, socialize. This has made her very depressed as she was unable to make/keep friends and she has become an introvert who loves to spend time in front of the tv. That has become her only outlet/means of entertainment.

    Now, as she sees other girls of her age going around with boys, she too wants the same. In fact she had a crush on a boy in her class, but he did not reciprocate. This has made her very very depressed and angry. She has very low self esteem and feels she is not good enuf and will never find anyone who will love her. She has been often talking of ending her life. I have to keep motivating her and encouraging her to think of happy thoughts, but at times i am also at a loss and emotionally drained. My husband does not treat her with love, as he feels she is a shirker, who only likes to sit in front of the tv and do nothing. She often complains abt his behaviour to me, but i am unable to do much. Pls help me as to how to improve her self esteem and the situation at home.

46. jenel 6 Jun 2010 @ 5:37 pm

    my husband has been suffering from what sounds like depression. he was diagnosed with cancer last year and the it reoccurred again this year. the treatments, medicines, doctor appts, test are enough to make anyone mad. he has been in the hospital for 2 months and just recently returned home. I try to be patient and understanding when he has an outburst, but to be honest I am having a hard time keeping sane myself.

    The verbal abuse has been going on for months. the criticism and hateful words are starting to effect my feelings towards him.and my self-esteem is at an all time low. I need to jave a support system to help me get through this..

    finding this web page has helped me understand tht this is a common pattern for depression. I value any input on defusing an arguement, things to say to help him seek help. we have been through so much together. i want the intimacy to return

47. Alex 22 Jun 2010 @ 7:43 am

    Thank you for this wonderful website and these enlightning comments!
    I am from Germany and moved to the States for the love of my life. I never realized how depressed he was until he got on a deployment. I tried to put up with his behavior and all made sense, the weird behavior before, the up to 14 h a day sleeping… I snapped when I lost our baby and forced him to the doctor – he had to take effexor, highest dosage… Things went amazing but the side effects were enormous, weight gain, no libido… He got off effexor for me. It’s been rough so far. The other meds have not quite been kicking in. I feel exhausted and ashamed that I am even mentioning this, but sometimes I don’t know what to do!! I feel I need so much help sometimes as I still have tons of problems as an immigrant… I don’t know how I can balance my problems with his, that makes me feel so worthless! I fear I could lose him because of this, but he’s so precious to me, he’s my husband and he’s all I got. He says he doesn’t understand my problems and when I break down crying for his help he can’t move… It’s breaking me… I really will try to follow these 12 points! Thank you for this wonderful insight!!

48. sumeet 20 Aug 2010 @ 11:15 pm

    sir ,my mom have that problum .she crying 2 day without any reason ..she remind those things in past which she feel that somone is there to remind that things which has done in past ..in my knwoledge there is nothing ,but is her own mind creation, even she fell some times to leave us ..tell how i handle her fellings ,what should i have to do ,this all her mind creation views…

49. sumeet 20 Aug 2010 @ 11:53 pm

    Hi everyone ,
    i am 18 y old boy , from INDIA , friends in all over world this problum is spread wide range , i take care my mom and always
    with him or motivat them i with u , i can do everything for my mom health , somtimes i feel stress ,this life is totaly stressful ,so dont mind
    be positivie
    my message to all suffer person or her family memaber to be cool ,life is so long this is not life to leave your family ,love , just be with them they loving u or care u …understanding u ,, they know ur problum ,,,just share it , i know its so hard to face that person , but never leave him always happy with them ,cares love friend and i am so small but , i telling u this because ..i face this problum bec i know ur pains ..after read ur problum ,,,i carying because i am also same like u ..friends ,take care, gudby

50. Nikki 4 Sep 2010 @ 9:09 am

    Good day!

    I am an experienced doctor of psychology and I am developing a program to help people who have chronic depression. I wish to help such people to find renewed meaning and purpose in their lives. As part of my research for this program I would like to interview people who have had chronic depression for some time. This will be a telephone interview lasting between 10 and 15 minutes.

    Nikki

51. ken opheim 20 Oct 2010 @ 9:13 am

    My wife has had depression for the last 25 years. we have gone thru just about every type of medication you can imagine. This includes ECT treatment 3 time a week. She is now takeing ablify with a MAOI drug similar to nardil. We have been seeing a pschic Dr. for the last year and one half . I am begining to lose hope, can you help us.
    I love her so much.

52. james 20 Oct 2010 @ 10:58 am

    Hi Ken,

    My heart goes out to you and your wife. Your suffering must be enormous.

    Can I suggest that your perseverance and love for your wife are the best possible things in this situation, as well as the treatment from your professional team. Also, are you looking after yourself? Do you have a network to support you so that you can look after your wife?

    Our experience was that it took more than medicines to get back to good health. The support of people around us, a great psychiatrist, and a helpful family doctor all played a significant role. We found that tracking moods and events in our daily life helped us to find other things that were contributing to the depression such as food and certain social situations.

    Keep going with your doctors as they are the only ones who are qualified to give you the best medical help.

    We will pray for you and your wife.

53. Aaron Mills 14 Nov 2010 @ 9:36 am

    I would just like to say thank you, this information helped me alot.

54. Desiree 15 Nov 2010 @ 5:11 pm

    I have been with my husband for 11yrs now and he is a very depressed person. I am always trying to to help him but he lets his pass life control him. I am not sure what happen when he was younger but it has messed with him big time. He wont get help! He says why have someone tell you what to do with your life when they dont know what you have been through. I plan to try going by these steps and be more understanding. I hope it works.

    Thanks D.E.

55. VanFruitje 23 Nov 2010 @ 1:22 pm

    I can’t stop crying when thinking about what my boyfriend is going through right now. We have been together for the past 2 almost 3 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs as every couple has. He had to now go back to Europe, due to financial difficulties and unfortunately couldn’t finish schooling. He was supposed to graduate from college next year. Ever since I have known him I knew he had depression and we briefly tried treatment while he was in school (free counceling in college) and it helped somewhat. Then throuhgout this whole time I have known him he has battled living on his own here, without family, and constantly under stress due to financial concerns. He is my hero, my bestest friend, the man that I insanely love. He has always been a fighter in his own way. Dealing with a big hurt in him due to his tough family situation of divorced parents and a mother with OCD. Now we are apart. About a month ago he went on antidepressant medication. And now he is a different person. We barelly talk, after talking almost daily and even multiple times in spite of the long distance intercontinental circumstances. In the past 4 weeks we have spoken only twice, decently, often I don’t hear anything from him indearing anymore. No “I love you”, no “I care about you”. Today it hit me, that I am going to crumble if I don’t get help and support to help him. This is not him and after reading that I need to separate him from the illness I feel so miserable. As if I have been failing him all along. And this medication that he is taking…is it going to completely take him away from me? How do I cope, how do I help, what do I say and not say? For months we were planning my visit to see him after being separated for 6 moths. Now, this is so hard to write, I don’t even think he will come to the airport to meet me. What do I do, I want to stop crying for starters and then I want to be of support and help in a proper way. Please help me.

56. Inspired By People 1 Dec 2010 @ 2:59 am

    Hello,

    As an Artistic therapist I work a lot with clients in London that deal with depression and other sorts of mental health and emotional issues. I agree it is not easy to find the right way to respons to someone who is depressed. It is important to recognise what they feel but try to find ways to draw their attention away from themselves and their situation.

    A few months ago I have co-founded a new charity Inspired By People and we are working in partnership with organisations in developing countries to support the most vulnerable people. This includes a wonderful project in West Nepal where we set up a trauma recovery centre and mental health outreach programme that supports people in remote villages.

    We recently organised a trek through the Himalayas visiting the working areas of our partnering organisation. With this we raised money for this project. We are still at the very start of it and will need to raise lots more. If you are interested in donating to us, reading more about our projects or perhaps join us on our next trek then please have a look at our website: http://www.inspiredbypeople.org

    I am looking forward to hearing from you!

57. W 19 Jan 2011 @ 10:07 am

    Hi everyone who cares.
    I need suggestions for my 25 year old son, who lives at home with his father and me, his mother. He comes from a very loving family. His 2 sisters love him, and his dad and I love him. He had a happy, stable childhood with lots of friends. In junior high he started to change, and become somewhat angry and quiet. Same thing with high school. He’s very smart, but a little anti-social and very shy. He is a handsome, tall guy. In 2008 he attempted suicide half heartedly. (Meaning he stopped midway) No one knew about this. He’s had 2 years of college. He told his parents about the suicide and depression in 2009. We were devastated and immediately set about to get him all the help he needed. He’s been in a hospital at UCLA, been an out patient at another hospital for months, and had lots of therapy. He’s been on Prozac and sleeping meds, and has a psychiatrist. We did 2 family counseling sessions to try and find out what the problem is …. rather, how to help our son. He never gave any concrete examples of why he is depressed. He dropped out of school and shows little interest in things that he was once interested in, like biking and playing basketball. He still likes to eat and he showers everyday. He loved our cat but she recently died of old age. That was hard. He does not seem to want to get better, and he is not getting better. He has been very hard to talk to for years–even his doctors told us that. We wish, as his parents, that we were better communicaters with him but we are not horrible at it. He just puts up a very thick wall between us. Nonetheless, he does know that we love him. This fine young man doesn’t date, has never had a real job, and doesn’t do anything to make himself feel better. He was successful at doing extra work on TV and in the movies and did that for about a year – that’s his only job he’s ever had. He was even a contestant on a popular TV show, and was a hit – but he was in costume, and did not have to show his real face ever. He has not told his sisters (who don’t live at home) that he has depression. We wanted him to do that, as it should be his personal decision. We are at our wit’s end with what we can do to help him. He is wasting his life. Honestly, I feel that it is not just depression that is doing this. I feel that his social awkwardness and extreme shyness are just as much to blame, and to me those things can be worked through. He just doesn’t try. He is in a horrible rut, and he is allowing his depression to define who he is. I am worried, and want my son to have a good life. Thoughts please……….

58. james 19 Jan 2011 @ 12:34 pm

    Hi Wendy. I’m very sorry to hear your story and how your son is struggling. I’m not a mental health professional so I can’t offer medical advice, but I can say that when I was getting nowhere with depression I sought out the best psychiatrist I could find and had a treatment review. He found that I was taking an inappropriate medicine for my condition, at a sub-therapeutic level. I’m not saying that this will solve your son’s depression, but in my case it literally changed the course of my life. It may be something worth considering. Best wishes.

59. W 20 Jan 2011 @ 6:25 am

    Thank you, James. We will do a treatment review. Bless you for caring.

60. VanFruitje 10 Feb 2011 @ 1:29 am

    Greetings to all,

    I have an update. I have written before here back in Nov.of 2010, and now it seems like it was a million of years ago. As I was searching in google on “how to help someone who suffers from depression” this website came in the search box once again. Hence, my return. I am back here to be amidst those who have a loved one, a precious loved one to be specific, who is suffering from depression and wants to find ways to help them.

    I will start where I left off – I was afraid that my time in Europe last winter would be a disaster – in my first post. I was wrong, my boyfriend showed up at the airport to meet me, which was the biggest shock for me b/c I as convinced that he wouldn’t come to see me at all. But he contacted me the night before my flight as if by destiny and asked when my plane arrives, and I said tomorrow morning. Which was correct, I was there in the morning in Europe and he was there waiting for me with open arms. Such went our reunion, we spent several weeks (on and off) together during my stay and I learned first hand how dire his condition was. It was the first time he was taking antidepressants to treat his depression I must add, and it wasn’t easy to watch to say the least. There is a great deal of struggle which he was going through. To make the story short then, I will forward to the present now, since that was in December and start of January and I am long ago back in U.S. already. The time together now seems like it was a mirage of a sort and not a reality.

    Three days ago he got off one of his antidepressants and the withdrawals were awful. Today he began a new antidepressant which was advised by the doctor. I must say that so far it has been an experimentation, and I am referring to his case only, in my opinion he has had an absolutely horrifying treatment so far. I am not sure if depression in general has a stigma in The Netherlands, and thus such poor treatment that he has been getting or it is simply a case of a bad doctor. And now I am here back again, seeking once more to find ways to help a him while being so far away and hearing words like “I feel nothing for you at all”, yet he is still talking to me therefore I know it is not really him who is telling me otherwise. It is the depression. An awful, cruel illness that rips apart a bond and drives people distant. Sorry, now that I wrote all this I am not sure why I wrote this here really…. I just want to make sense of things mostly I think and this helps me. Thank you for having the space to do this.

61. anon129873 10 Mar 2011 @ 8:51 am

    Thankyou for this it has helped me alot my sister is 17 and has depression, i am still in high school but have to help my mum look after her and its so hard to do as she is so unpredictable, sometimes i feel like walking out after her having a go but i know i can’t as i know how much it would hurt her when shes better and realizes it was her fault that i walked out. It breaks my heart watching my mum suffer the way she does and watching my sister cry scream go giddy for no reason at all, i wish i could just take the illness away from her as it has ruined her life so much i just want her to have a normal life again, be able to go out with her friends without her being scared of lashing out on them, be able to go out and have laugh and me not have to constantly worry about her and is she ok has her mates fallen out with her. Sometimes she says stuff to them that she doesn’t mean to say but they dont know about her illness so just fall out with her and shes dropping everything she hasn’t left the house for 2 weeks cause shes scared of loosing anyone else. I wanna do family stuff with her but my exams start soon so i don’t have any time to do anything which upsets her but i need my GCSEs and good grades i don’t know what to do anymore.

62. Cristina 11 Mar 2011 @ 10:10 am

    I am a nurse and was also very depresed, in the begining it was due to loss of job, after a while due to my husband”s neglet of duties and lack of care and many other things.
    No getting up, no cleaning, no cooking etc, all those I had. There were times I called friends to ask for help and company, never got anyone, all were too busy or never answered my calls. After I will walk over the house screaming and crying my loneliness. No family and nobody there to reach out.
    Thanks God Y went to a close by church, there were 2 nuns, so sweet and loving, they stopped what they were doing to be with me.
    Going to church helped me a lot, I found other people crying and we just hug each other, no comments, no talk, just a nice hug.
    The human touch is soo necessary, the warmth and feeling of company made miracles for me. I told the Lord my aches and pains and He heard me, no physical answer but the problems went away slowly and surely.
    A good confession, what a relief to find someone non judging, no interes, just listening and to be told we are good, and we are human, and find that we are forgiven, that no matter what we did or others did, is all in the past and we could start all new, right there. Some one who reminds us that we are not alone, no martter what, the priest does not care what took you where you are, but he will give you a routh where you can go: forward always ahead, no look back, in peace and joy with the Lord, He has always been there waitng for us, we just forgot he is there for us.
    I found a meeting bulletin and joined a group they had at the church and in those meetings found people with time to be with me and people who needed me to be there for them! I felt useful again, i felt needed and as a nurse, that to me was joy!
    Soon, I ws feeling better and in a few months I got a great job, the one I was waiting for, and it was thruogh one of those peoples in the meetings! they felt I was the great person they were looking for and made me feel so good to be apreciated.
    with time i went to therapy with my husband, he is still fighting his recovery, but me? I am in great shape after some time of looking for myself, of caring for myself, of learning about myself, I was a nurse for others for a long time and forgot the most impportant patient: myself.
    Look inside you and care for the child in you, surrender to the Lord, he will not judge you, he is the best listener and life is just now, you and Him that is all. Confession? It is a great therapy and does not cost anything, just go at a time when there is no line and the priest will be there for you. not a catholic, well try and see what happens when you get in to talk to that priest, he may be able to listen to you and give you some comfort, and maybe, help you find your way to the Lord.
    Not depresed anymore, just joyful to have this great life in front of me.

63. JD 22 Mar 2011 @ 6:19 pm

    I have a sister with depression, she’s in her 30s. I’ve always felt that I’ve been able to talk to her but over six months ago, she became involved in a relationship. There have been some problems with her partner and she is very defensive of him and suspicious of anything negative said or implied about him. I have been able to chat with her and we do laugh together but later on, when she gets into a dark mood, she often uses what I said in our conversations together against me. She’s accused me of looking down on her and her boyfriend and for a while, she barred me from talking to her and screamed at me and kicked me when I tried to get her to talk to me.
    She lives with my parents so in a way, I don’t have to bear with this on a daily basis but I’m extremely hurt that she has chosen to reject me in this manner. I know a part of it is due to the new experiences she’s going through and not being able to cope with too much at one time but it still hurts to face the rejection, especially when I’ve only ever had her best interests at heart.
    I can’t help but worry what it will be like in the future when our parents are gone. I’ve always assumed that I would care for her financially and provide some emotional support and perhaps naively, I never thought it would be a huge problem because we always got along so well. But I see now it will be a huge responsibility and often times, a thankless task as she may resent having to be “taken care of”, yet realistically, she will need some support because of her condition.
    It’s really not easy.

64. SunnyB 9 Apr 2011 @ 3:49 am

    I don’t know how to help my Momma. She has ALWAYS been a very strong woman. In her late 30′s started an ELITE breeding program for Bully American Bulldogs. It’s been said she is a living legend. LOL! makes me proud anyway. Getting more to the point. She was in a very severe motorcycle accident August 28th, 2010. She used to be on top of her game and NEVER allowed people to take advantage of her. Very proud and self confident woman, she found out she had Cancer a couple of years ago and we heard very little about it. If that tells you anything. She is no longer the same person, as she is temporarily in a wheelchair.. Just recently had what we hope to be her last surgery after many and many. We nearly lost her a few times. I know i carry on to much. I WANT TO HELP MY MOM, without getting frustrated myself, without getting so winded that I avoid her conversation and company. I stay with her to help. It’s like the newness has worn off, nobody calls, visits, or even really mentions it. PLEASE HELP. if anyone has any more personalized advice to my direct situation. She and I have never been close. That has changed dramatically since a few months before the accident. I’m not looking for a medal or recognition for helping her. I just want to know i am not doing something to make it worse, and how to build her back up, to give her more hope… to get her… It’s Ms. BITCH to you… ATTITUDE BACK.

65. Owen 9 Apr 2011 @ 4:36 am

    My wife suffers with severe depression, she has done since she was about 13 and while up and down since then, has been on a massive downward slope since her father committed suicide last year (also due to mental health problems). I love her dearly and want to help her as much as I can but I also am trying to juggle a very stressful work life as well. In the early years of our relationship she had her ups and downs but we worked through them.

    I like to think I am a strong, patient and tolerant person but it has become really difficult lately. My work has gotten even more stressful with many deadlines and although in the past I have always worked from home as much as possible, or gone in late in the evening after Holly and the children have gone to bed, I have lots of projects at the moment that require working with other people or access to facilities that are only available in waking hours. To be fair to my wife she has always said that I should go in when I need to go in, and do what I need to do – but I find it very difficult because I know how much she is struggling. If I ever need to work outside of our normal “arrangement” of times, I will get 2-3 texts asking when am I coming home, telling me she’s having a very hard day, the kids are being difficult etc. I appreciate she is venting her frustrations but I cannot bring myself to put myself first and ignore those quiet requests for help! So I abandon my work and come home to help, stressful but OK, but every few weeks we end up having an argument as she says when I do come home I am no help, she has to do everything herself and I might as well stay at work until I am 100% finished with it. I feel I have no real outlet for my own frustrations as I don’t have any particular time just for myself ever – sometimes I stay up late after she has gone to sleep and simply read the internet, but that’s the only time, and to get that I have to sacrifice some precious sleep! The other thing I enjoy is working on my car, which I try to do occasionally but not very often, however it almost always leads to an argument – I think she is frustrated because she has no passion or outlet of her own. I had a major breakdown yesterday and today and after some soul searching I decided that it was the illness talking one more time, and to talk to her about me having some personal time maybe one evening a week. To which I get an angry reply that she has never told me I can’t (which is true) and that she never gets to have a break from her illness, and all my efforts to help and be her carer are useless as I don’t do anything to actually help her. She also insists that I don’t love her, or the children, or I would help her more, and she doesn’t know why I am still here. I try my best to be reasonable and I never lose my temper but it is very hard trying to convince someone you don’t secretly hate them. She can be very irrational and uncaring but never in an obvious way so I have to work very hard to tell myself that it’s not how she really feels. In addition there is definitely a part of me that resents it, the part that wants to just run away and not have responsibilities anymore, and I worry that part is starting to show through above the rest. The past few times

    I struggle to differentiate between what is actually her talking and what is the depression. For the past few months I have been having to actively tell myself to ignore this comment or that argument, because it’s just the illness talking, but it’s getting harder and harder. The past few times after an argument when I’ve tried to patch things up and convince her that I do love her in reality, I have found myself feeling resentful even of that, feeling like I’m only even working at the relationship for her benefit.

    She is very good at being aware of her illness, never misses a beat with her medication and is seeing a counselor etc. But I find it very hard to keep separate what is her and what is just her illness, and still juggle work/children/marriage/domestic stuff etc, all of which still carries on with the rest of the world regardless of her mood that particular day.

    Sorry for the ramble but reading these comments has given me strength to carry on and try to make things work.

66. Stephanie Grow 11 Apr 2011 @ 9:37 am

    My sister is suffering from depression and anxiety and it has been going on for many years and she is on so many pills that she is no longer the sister I used to know.She is so far gone that I get mad at her when she calls and talks alot of nonsence,she does’nt remember alot of things and she likes to pick a fight or tell me that I sound angry.She is losing it and it gets worse everytime she calls.She takes alot of pills and I’m afraid someday she might take them all at the same time.She lives in Seattle and I live in Nevada,so I don’t see her alot.She gets all her meds for free and I feel that that is all she does,she does’nt work right now and she can’t hold a job.All I want is to understand a little about what she is going threw.Can anyone help me see how serious this is or is it all in my head?I love my sister and I just want to see her get better and perhaps smile for the first time in her life.She will be 50 years old in July and I feel that it might be her breaking point.I hope someone out there might shed some light for me.
    Thankyou,
    Stephanie

67. Claudia 23 Apr 2011 @ 4:17 am

    My mother has been dealing with depression for over 30 years since her first episode in the 70s. At first she was given medication that appeared to dull her senses but enabled her to go through the motions of keeping the home going and being a mother, she continued with these drugs for over 10 years, there but not there, emotionally detached.

    When my mother retired she managed to come off her medication with specialist medical supervision as it was no longer needed but addictive and for the first time since I could remember she became totally well and eventually drug free. Her personality and her sense of humour began to show through which was truly wonderful and we began to really enjoy life and she dared to live it. I think as a family we all thought the bad old days were over and in retirement with fewer stresses she and we could put the past behind us. However, clincial depression can be episodic and she had lapses after 7, 4 and now 8 years. Happily, medical knowledge has moved on so much more now and with the right medication, specialist care, a lot of patience and support it is possible to recover fully between episodes and I firmly believe she will again despite the fact she is now 75.

    Depression has a devastating effect on the family. It is important to realise that not only do you have to separate the person from the illness but also to recognise that it is their illness not yours. Right now I realise I might have to step away for a brief while to look after myself so I can go the distance for her something she’s not happy about but something I must do (I’m talking seeing her just a little less each week, moving back to my own home keeping up with my own life to give me strength to support her). However much energy you put into willing your patient well, only they can actually follow advice, take medication and the steps to getting themself well and you can’t hurry it.

    This illness has affected me deeply all my life and has had a serious impact on the relationships I have built as an adult as care can be so all consuming drains your emotions and your energy and eventually you do emotionally shut down while you deal with the crisis. However, it has affected my mother more and I am so proud of how she continues to fight this devastating illness and know that she will find the will to win again.

    It is never too late, but depression is a serious illness and it needs specialist care occasionally requiring a hospital stay so that the patient can be appropriately assessed and the right medication prescribed. Like anything, the earlier it and its severity is diagnosed the easier it can be treated. Look after yourself, get help, lose weight, eat healthily, take exercise and try not to take too many pills unless they are properly prescribed.

    With love

68. April 25 Apr 2011 @ 9:28 am

    Thank you so much for this article. It has eased my heart at least for the moment. My partner is SO supportive of me, but now she is very angry at me because she feels I am not actively trying to get better. That makes me feel worse. It shuts me down. She wants to be talk but I have NOTHING to say. I can’t. There is NOTHING worse than when she gets angry with me. Depression is such a living hell. There never seems to be a way out. I wish all the best to all of you and commend your bravery. I suppose things will get better.

69. Angellic 6 May 2011 @ 1:57 pm

    Hi, my boyfriend has ocd, because of that now he´s got depression. I´m so sad and I don´t want to show it to him because I know that, that would not help him. At first he wanted to push me away but I told him that those kind of actions will not help him at all, he understand. I love him so much, I really want to help him but sometimes I feel so weak, or I don´t know how to control my feelings like today that I felt so frustrated and desperate because he started feeling so bad and I asked him how could I help him? and he answered me in a very rude way. My reaction was almost cry and he asked me why do I have to do things so hard and difficult? Now with these ideas I have some help but I think I need more. Now he´s under medication and therapies, and I would like to know when will he be recovered I want him back, I want him as he used to be. Please help us!

70. Janine 26 May 2011 @ 12:04 pm

    I’ve tried everything to help my friend. None of this helps. She continuously tells herself she doesn’t deserve to live and that she’s ugly with no life and wasn’t meant to be born. I remind her that everyone was meant to be born and that she’s beautiful, but it just doesn’t help. I think she suffers from BDD, and I’ve told her this, and she’s just like “Great another thing wrong with my life” or, “No I really am ugly and fat.” She won’t go to therapy, she continuously says she wants to die and do suicide, and she won’t do anything to even try to help her depression. To make it all worse she’s only 13. And her mom is no support either. She only tells me about this, no one else, because she claims no one will care. I pray to God everynight for her to get better. But it gets worse. She also continuously says she’ll never be good for anything or ever have a job. She won’t take any medicine either. PLEASE HELP!!!

71. james 27 May 2011 @ 12:36 am

    Hi Janine,

    It may be a good idea to step back a bit. Your friend needs to get some professional help and it is really beyond you to do this alone.

    I have a few suggestions.

    You could see a health professional yourself to get some confidential advice about the best steps forward, and perhaps some strategies on how you can cope as well.

    It would be a good idea to speak with an adult who you trust about this. If she really is thinking about suicide then her mom would definitely want to know. It is only fair that she know. Can you ask your own mom for some help?

    Thirdly, you could ring a mental health hotline and ask for some ideas about where to go for help and what you should do.

    I hope that helps.

    James

72. Janine 29 May 2011 @ 3:52 pm

    Thanks James. I tried to get her to tell her mom, but she says “She just doesn’t care anymore.” And I asked if I could tell my mom but she said she doesn’t want anyone to try to help her. And if I can’t tell my own mom, then I can’t really ask permission to call a professional. And I asked her if she would please try to tell her parents so she could try therapy, but she won’t. She won’t even realize she’s not ugly or fat, but she constantly tells herself this. Do you have any other suggestions? Do you have an email of a specialist I could talk to myself instead of calling or seeing?

73. Me 15 Jul 2011 @ 6:48 pm

    My partner and I recently broke up. During our relationship she experienced a very bad tragdy involving the loss of an ex partner Since then she has been diagnosed with depression and is seeking professional help. When we were togeher our communication broke down and she ended up treating me very badly and saying extremely hurtful things. She is unable to deal with any criticism or normal everyday problems. I am a nurse and it’s just so natural in my nature to want to help and love and support, it’s not enough. I am powerless and it’s the most frustrating and saddening thing to watch her breakdown. At the same time I’m feeling guilty and a crap person for letting my feelings get involved…I feel like I make her worse. I’ve tried everything for the last 2months (perhaps this sounds selfish) but it’s hard to forget those hurtful things she has said to me. She says she wants time, but doesn’t want me to wait for her. She says she wants to be with me but I make it worse as she has to face things when I am around. I need to consider my mental health too I just dont know when or if to just stop…

74. smito 26 Jul 2011 @ 8:22 pm

    it is a helpful writing…….

75. Daisy 28 Jul 2011 @ 7:43 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me in May because of his depression. He’s very good at hiding it and bottles up his feelings. He kept saying that I’m better off without him. Things were absolutely perfect last year, that’s the saddest thing. I told him that I am here for him. There’s been sporadic contact throughout the time we have been apart and he only seems able to open up to me in his texts. He has confessed to just feeling lost at the moment and making these grand statements that society serves no purpose. He seems to want to get happy and rests these life-changing things on it. First he broke up with me because he said he’s got to be on his own and can’t worry about two people. Now he’s hoping that he’ll feel happy after he’s finished writing his novel. He’s resting his happiness on these huge milestones and I know he’ll be disappointed. I’ve been consistent throughout this, he’s made me feel absolutely rubbish about myself but I haven’t said a bad word to him or against him. I have always said that the door is open and I am here for him if he wants me.

    He’s very good at putting on a brave face – he came round the other week and we just chatted over a cup of tea, he stayed for 3 hours. We didn’t talk about anything serious, it was kind of the elephant in the room though.

    I think I’m going to contact him tomorrow and ask whether he would like to come for a walk with me. I’m going to ask him how he’s feeling. I know that he can’t use words to express how he is feeling but I want to let him know that I am still here for him, I am prepared to get hurt for a few months yet. I am convinced that he hasn’t told any friends or family about how he is feeling as he is good at suppressing it. I just want to ask him whether he has had someone to confide in then maybe suggest that he sees a doctor. I have suggested this many a time but I am going to try and take the calm approach. No one talks to him about his depression and obviously I don’t want to bring his mood down by bringing it up but I also want to show him that I’m not afraid of his depression and if we talk about it, it doesn’t seem so scary.

    It’s horrible seeing a loved one go into depression, there’s sometimes no getting through to them – maybe he’ll just chuck it back in my face tomorrow but I need to do all that I can.

76. relly 63 29 Jul 2011 @ 1:09 pm

    hi out there reading all these articles is so sad as i am struggling with my 33 year old daughter who is going through depression. she has 3 beautiful children but htey are suffering too. my problem is that i have supported my daughter and my grandchildren for fifteen years through domestic violence, marriage breakups, drugs, and everyway possible you can think of and every negative part of life that can happen. she has now moved away to another area and come off the drugs and alcahol but due to her past behaviour and social environment now finds herself very alone from family and any good friends she did have due to her aggression and selfishness of all about her, now she has changed some things for the good she is lost and going throught depression in a bad way.as i am the only grandmother and now 63 i have many health issues and suffer from anxiety when she has a problem so i cannot offer her physical help. i have suggested she go to a doctor and get help and also offered to take her away for the weekend to get her out but she wont and now i dont know what to do there is no one else to help her or me.she has been in a bad relationship again and at the moment it is over but i see that her lonliness and despair might make her go back to him which is not good for her or the children. i am doing all i can to support her but i am so burnt out from the previous history of her and i beleive she has borderline personality disorder which i mentioned to her previously but she doesnt want to know. my dilemma now is what to do i cannot physically take on the children anymore and i feel bad about this and i get so stressed myself and it affects my health conditions in a dramatic way,i will continue to contact her and let her know i love her but other than do this and suggest the doctors help i dont know what to do anyone got any suggestions or advice as this girl has impacted on our lives so greatly in a devastating way that now when she needs support again i cannot be there like i was in the past and i am very worried for her and the children.

77. JessicaM 5 Aug 2011 @ 6:11 am

    i’m really grateful for your post. Thank you, this helped me understand what my sister’s going through a little bit more. I understand how she feels but somehow feel useless with help her and i want to make things easier for her because i know she would do the same for me. I will do some of the suggested but im sort of worried she won’t take me seriously because i’m a lot younger. She talked with me about it before but i don’t think she’ll let me actually try and help her properly. She has already been to a psychiatrist which gave no help and she doesn’t have anyone to talk to except me and a friend of hers. I know i can’t just heal her but I hope this will help her a little.

78. Lost star 8 Aug 2011 @ 6:12 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me last weekend because he was feeling lost. He’d been sleeping a lot, sex drive completely gone and he couldn’t see the future any more. I’m devastated but reading a lot about it to try to get an understanding of how he could be feeling.

    I’m trying to be hopeful that he’ll come back to me when his head is in a better place. He hadn’t been diagnosed last week but I know he went to the doctor last week so I’m praying that he asked for help, he already has had one councelling session that i know of.

    It’s very hard to know what to do or if should even do anything at all. It’s such a horrible situation.

79. Betty 9 Aug 2011 @ 1:48 am

    Most of the posts are sympathetic but I can relate to the one asking whether it is just poor choices. I mean, I would also like to just be taken care of by someone else, sleep and rest all the time, have lots of therapy, and not take responsibility for any housework or other work, too. But I can’t, someone has to take care of everyone else. So I take the responsibility and my husband takes the ease, diagnosed with severe depression. I just can’t feel much sympathy for him, I feel anger and resentment. I am sure his fears are real to him but how many people are lucky like him to have a job, family, financial security? sure he can’t just snap out of it – but I have to, I am not allowed to rest or be depressive.

80. Amanda 10 Aug 2011 @ 12:58 pm

    My sister has had depression for awhile, but her meds have worked wonders, and she was so happy. Just a couple days ago her meds seem to stop working over night. She amazingly smart, incredibly beautiful, and hard-working. Even in her ‘depression modes’ (as we like to call it), she is super kind and just an amazing person. But, she always wants to sleep. She never wants to do anything, and since shes my best friend and sister i can’t help but think that anything i say or do will just make it worse. Thanks for this article, i hope that now i can play my part in helping her get the perfect life she deserves.

81. shauna 13 Aug 2011 @ 11:21 pm

    My husband and I have been together for over 30 years and he has had bouts of depression on and off for most of that time. We have both trained as therapists in the past and I myself went through a period of depression about 25 years ago so I understand what it´s like. Despite -or perhaps because of – this he has little faith in therapists. Both of us had therapy at the time.

    We are British and moved to a new country some years ago. I have made some new friends but he hasn´t. As we are self employed we are together much of the time.

    I can relate to a lot of what has been said here. He ccan be fine for a while but his mood swings are sudden and unpredictable. He says he feels furious a lot of the time and can be very verbally abusive when he´s angry. At other times he just says he sees no point in life and wishes he was dead.I really feel for him and know that nothing I do or say will make it better for him. I love him very much and try not to respond to his insults. I know what is meant by separating the person from the depression, but sometimes it feels so patronising to dismiss what he says as a symptom. He often says it´s him, not me and that I get the rough end of it because I´m there. Of course we´re all human and like everyone else I know I can be irritating at times. But we can´t have everyday rows like ordinary people because they inevitably escalate

    I really don´t know what to do. I feel very lonely and don´t like talking to my new friends about this as it feels like a betrayal of him. They like him – he´s very funny, intelligent and charming in company most of the time (although he an be very rude to me on occasion when we´re with old friends). He´s a good man, but the insults and lack of closeness at the moment is making me very unhappy, I´m losing my confidence and starting to feel resentful and ill. I know I shouldn´t rise to the bait when he´s like this. Most of the time I can do this, but sometimes I get upset and feel that I have no self-respect when I don´t stand up for myself.

    I know there´s no answer, but it´s useful to be able to get it off my chest with people who understand.

    Thanks

82. ME 17 Aug 2011 @ 9:11 pm

    I feel for u. A friend of mine is into the same situation as u at this moment. Men in this state of mind tend to belittle their loved ones. They see u as the cause of most of their problems. They hardly appreciate the love and care u show to them. In extreme cases may even fall for another younger lady or other female.
    I will suggest that since u understand his problem, u shld try and develop thick skin. It may be a sort of mid-life crisis (read about this). Find other means of happiness like hobbies, visits to places of interest, spending time with good ladies etc, and avoid spending too much time together with him.
    Cherish yourself or he will drag u down with him. If there is any immediate reason for that like loss of job, death of a loved one etc, try and help him find answers to these areas of lack. be a comforter by listening to him alot and talking less.
    Best of luck and i hope to get postings regarding this topic.
    All the best!!!

83. varun 21 Aug 2011 @ 8:07 am

    A friend of mine lost her mother a few months ago and i supported her in every way i could to help her recover but with every passing day her condition is deteriorating and it has now become really hard for me to help her come out of this. Also she now thinks that she is more of a burden on me and wants me to leave her the way she is. i have tried what all I could but it has all been of a little or no help. Please help me come out of this problem, I’ll be really great full to you.

84. Felicia 26 Aug 2011 @ 10:04 am

    I’m 21 and severely depressed. I just had a baby and my life has seemed to suck since I was 8 years old. And has gotten worse. Maybe my bf can help me now with my depression. I really don’t like to talk to people though.

85. Tara 28 Aug 2011 @ 4:53 pm

    I am crying as I read everyones stories. My partner has been diagnosed with depression as well as bi-polar disorder. Some months are good, acutally great. Then there are the times when the days seem to run into each other because the pain will not end. The countless hours I spend trying to get her out of bed, get her to take her meds (because as a bi-polar patient they will take the meds until they feel better and then stop), change her way of thinking… so many things. I always refer to myself as a quote from a song, I am her favorite little punching bag. I take it all. All the hurtful words, all the pain of her telling me she is fading away. I print numerous articles, letters, poems, anything that may help her feel better. She sees her therapist and he gives her the medicine. Recently it has spiraled out of control because her sister passed away 3 weeks ago, trouble at work, and her daughters and remaining sister causing drama. Should she not talk to those who cause her drama until she can work on her? She will not get any anger out…. she changes the subject or hangs up the phone. I am at a loss. I am hurting for me and for her. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I love her and want to care for her, but my own health cannot take much more.

86. anonymous 29 Aug 2011 @ 5:25 am

    My boyfriend is 16 (and i am also 16) and he struggles with manic depression. The smallest things can completely change his mood and lead up to a possible attack. He used to cut himself but ive convinced him to stop taking out his anger on himself. But now he takes it out on me. he gets Jealous if i hang out with any other friends besides him. and sometimes i feel like he is isolating me from everyone, my friends, even my family. Its really hard because he says really hurtful things to me, but i know its not his fault. it still hurts that he says these things. Ive noticed wile reading other peoples comments that the depression usually comes from a trauma in their past. His older sister has struggled with bipolar disorder and drugs…(could that be a possible reason, or maybe is genetic?) I really do love him and care about him, and its so sad when he says stuff like “im a horrible person” or “i wish i was never born”. i came here to better understand manic depression and try to find a way to cope with it. it was helpful because i don’t always know what to say when he has a panic attack, i usually just say “sorry sorry” but it’s never enough. Well anyways, thanks. and to all of you other people in a relationship with a person who has depression, or those who actually have it, hang in there. your not alone.
    -anonymous

87. Ted 17 Sep 2011 @ 9:44 am

    I am so grateful for this website and the many comments. Having read so many accounts of bravery and inner strength might just give me the impetus to carry on.
    I have been with my partner for over 30 years, good and bad times. Her depression and anxiety have always been a feature in our relationship but the good times in between have helped to make life bearable. However, the last two years have been a nightmare: my partner’s depression has worsened including the need to go into hospital, receive ECT and try a myriad of differing medications. All to no avail. She is now so severely depressed that medication seems to do very little and she spends all day in bed. In order to cope, I resigned from work (thank God we can manage financially) and run the household and garden. I find time for sport and exercise but, otherwise, feel completely isolated and lonely. My partner takes no interest in what I am doing, we never have a conversation except about her own ill health and, in the evenings, when I am exhausted, she sits in front of the telly and drinks spirits to numb her pain. This, in turn, makes me feel very angry and resentful. I withdraw to another room and read or listen to music. She often tells me that she feels bored but, when I make the effort of organising an outing, she feels too anxious and disinterested to enjoy the activity. She hardly ever accompanies me on the weekly shopping or on my daily walks. This evening I felt my ability to cope was being stretched to breaking point. I told her that I felt she could, at least, show some interest in me, to demonstrate she still cared. She told me she loved me but was trying to hold it together and so had little capacity left to show me appreciation. I am afraid I responded badly and said I wanted to get out, to be free again and able to live a full life. Now I regret having said this and more and feel terribly guilty. But, truthfully, I am desperately in need of conversation, feedback, appreciation, understanding, in other words, true partnership. Will I really be able to go on indefinitely without joint holidays, enjoyable outings, stimulating friends or simply doing things together? My partner’s doctor is suggesting Deep Brain Stimulation as a possible way forward as everything else has failed. She now worries about this and her anxiety is getting even worse. I dread to think that this situation could go on indefinitely, with no end in sight. And I am aware of the statistics, the chances of suicide are high. So, what do I do? For better or worse, in sickness and in health…promises, so easily made but so hard to keep.

88. Jackie 20 Sep 2011 @ 10:06 am

    My husband has been suffering with depression and anxiety for many years. (well before I met him six years ago) He has been on medication which seems to have helped. Due to a job loss, the cost of the medication has become unaffordable. He suffers from mood swings and bouts of anger that have affected our entire family. I have a daughter living with us (from a previous marriage) and I find he has focused his anger on her . She can’t seem to do anything satisfactory, is lazy and will not socialize with us (his words, not mine) I know she feels as though he does not like her and wants her to move out (she is 19, works full-time and often helps support the family – without asking) He has been unemployed for awhile and has had difficulty ‘finishing’ any job. He has lost interest in sex, normal activities and is very difficult to live with. He constantly blames others for his bad-luck and hardships. I work 3 jobs and struggle to ‘keep the peace’ in our household. I am a very up-beat and positive person who has overcome many obstacles to succeed (I was a single mother for ten years, have my own business and work 2 part-time jobs) I am at a loss… do I leave my husband to preserve my own (& my daughter’s) sanity or do I continue? I love my husband dearly, but he is no longer the man I fell in love with 6 years ago. I want to help him but I do not know how. I am pulled between this man I love and my child (who is now beginning to feel depressed because of the situation at home).
    I know my husband has ‘looked into’ extramarital relationships (he associates me with all that is wrong in his life) I can not stay at home and ‘babysit’ the situation – but I feel real stress everyday – not knowing what his mood will be when I come home.
    In anger he has asked me for a divorce on several occasions and is very hurtful to both myself and my daughter. I am on the brink of leaving him but do not want to abandon this man who has been wonderful in the past. I realize he needs help, but also realize he has to want help. Where do I draw the line? The man I fell in love with six years ago seems to have disappeared… do I find him, or do I find myself?

89. Patti 22 Sep 2011 @ 7:17 am

    I’ve read these posts and most I can completely agree with – I’ve been living with depression for over 15 years and There are so many times I fall back into a very depressive mood – sometimes day’s or weeks, because of things others have said or done in the name of “helping” While I appreciate my mom’s general “Chin up” I just wish she would realize that is not what I need at the moment – a hug, and time to myself would work far batter. Many people don’t realize how difficult life can be as a single mother of 3 sons…. Add depression – medicated even – and life’s hurdles can feel not only difficult, but impossible as well. I try to take my prosac on a regular basis, but on those day’s and weeks things are going well…. It’s hard to remember how much I need them (and my counselor God bless her wonderful soul) On day’s I’m down…. those are the day’s I DONT forget them because I know logically the feelings I’m experiencing are likely overblown, out of proportion etc and I know that the meds are there for me for a reason. So, I take them and feel better. When I’m in those down times – that’s when Mom reminds me to take them but I’m already doing that! It’s when I’m in a “Good” place – the times I forget I have depression – that’s when I need to be reminded. Today is a good day. I’ve had a run of good days for the past few weeks, and realized today that I’ve missed 7 days pills in the past 3 weeks…. It’s going to affect me negatively, I know but all I can do now is take my meds as prescribed and hope the “down” time passes quickly (tho it never does – insomnia sucks!) Anyway, I’ve really appreciated many of the comments on here, and for those of you who care for someone with depression – your friendship, love and compassion shown during difficult times means far more that you can ever imagine.

90. Michel 23 Sep 2011 @ 4:18 am

    I also deal with anxiety and depression I had it under control but recently i relapsed, Im waiting for my apointment soon so I can talk to a doctor and see what I can do. Do any of you ever blame your spouse for being depressed? I do that alot without trying. We had a harsh back round when we dated years ago, he cheated but we broke up and later got back together. We talked to a therapist often and then became a happy couple again. I realised why he did it and he realised what he did to me. But even if its years n years ago and now we are happily married I feel so distant when im depressed like i hate him then when im ok im fine. So annoying. Also hes about to become a doctor and hes always bussy, Its hard because right now im not working I start school in a few more months and I cant take being here alone, my family lives far away and all I can do it get out and walk you know do something! I do try im not the type to sit at home, ill go down town and browse or go for a run or grocery store just anything. It helps but lately my anxiety was nutts i cant stay still and like I said i blame my husband I dont think its fair because hes such a hard worker hes always been so smart and focuses on becoming a better person, Hes a great doctor too! But im bored! I just feel like I need some insight.

91. Michel 23 Sep 2011 @ 4:30 am

    Jackie, I also blame my husband alot for my depression like he does to you but i donot tell him. I am aware that I am depressed and I respect that it is not his fault yet in my head i do feel it. The problem I see is that he needs more of your time. He is missing affection and although you might not see that, its true. You also need that. Working all day means bringing home the ham but not happiness. It is clear he needs medical attention asap. His illness can be very scary and progresses fast. Things will get very ugly if you guys donot put a stop to this. If it means seeing a therapist of just getting him the medication something here must be done. Now remember you are a human being who deserves respect and so does your daughter. If you feel it had come to it end then see a therapist even alone and see what she recomends. You are not alone jackie. Many of us here are either depressed, or living with a depressed one. Donot be scared. There is a soolution.

92. Randall Scott Redman 26 Sep 2011 @ 2:06 pm

    I’m bi-polar, suffer from depression and have a really bad cold. I don’t have many friends. I feel I’m in a hopeless situation. I feel like I’ve let my family down and they no longer want anything to do with me. I’ve been handcuffed by the police, stripped naked and that killed any dignity I had of myself. I was around smokers which I never did. I’ve never been one to abuse drugs. I am on medications. It seems like I always make the wrong choices in life or maybe they have been made for me. Like gossip and stuff. Right now, I’m ready to give up because I don’t think my doctors are listening to me. I’ve never ever would consider taking my own life by suicide. I believe in natural death not forced death. Sometimes I wonder if God really cares about me and if he doesn’t maybe him and his son aren’t so great. I guess good luck with the saints.

93. Charles 30 Sep 2011 @ 12:48 pm

    I had to take my wife to the emergency room today because her depression was getting worse. She got out of bed and cut off her long beautiful hair and threw it in the trash. I guess that’s when I lost it because I felt that I was losing my wife at that point. She made me promise her that I wouldn’t hospitalize her, but I felt I had no choice because I was afraid she was going to hurt herself and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I feel so guilty that I had to betray her and I’m finding it difficult to justify it to myself, although her therapist had advised me to do it. I feel like she is going to hate me and I may loose my wife, which is second to her life, but I can’t stop thinking about it and how my little 5 year old girl will feel. I can’t take the thought of my little girl growing up in a broken family and how that would change her life.

    I am also angry, sad, hurt and lonely. I just want my wife back and I just need her to be the beautiful person and mother that she is again.

    Thank you for your posts.

94. James 30 Sep 2011 @ 12:55 pm

    Charles, your circumstances are very tragic. For what it’s worth I think you did the right thing in taking her to hospital; she needs immediate help and you haven’t betrayed her. You have to ensure that she gets well again, for the sake of all 3 of you.

95. Flea 3 Oct 2011 @ 2:39 pm

    It’s comforting to know you’re not alone in feeling guilty or feeling like everything you do is wrong when it comes to supporting a loved one with depression. My sister, whose 24 now, has had depression since she was a teenager. We are only 11 months apart in age so we grew up together and we are very close. We were brought up the same, parents divorced when we are young; we’ve moved far away from our home and had to start a new life somewhere else. Both of us were raised by parents who love and care for us dearly and would do anything for our happiness. But with the same experiences and lives, we are like night and day. She is incredibly shy, quiet and very introverted and I’m the complete opposite. She is extremely smart and intelligent; I mean you have to be to teach Algebra 2 to high school students. She has such a great potential to be a brilliant educator to these students. And this disease is taking away that potential.

    I’m so angry with this disease which has taken my joyful sister away from me. And I find it so hard not to be angry with her, for not fighting it hard enough. Because I feel she gives into it. Our 22 year old brother has Autism. He likes things his way and if he doesn’t get his way, he will have a tantrum. It’s not his fault because he doesn’t know any other way to communicate how he feels, and lately my sister has little to no patience with him. And out of everyone until this point, she has had the best relationship with him. And to me this is a big indication that something is different this time around. I feel the worse can happen easily.

    I love my sister but I’m at the point of emotional and mental exhaustion. It may sound selfish but I have my own personal struggles at the moment and I’m feeling guilty for it. I feel as if I have to be the strong and happy one 24-7. I am the middle child of 4 and I’m kind of the glue who keeps everything together. I’m planning on moving to a different state by next March for career purposes. And I am terrified about what might happen to my sister when I leave. So when is it ok, to stop feeling guilty for wanting to live your life and not be held back by a loved one’s disease? How do I handle this separation?

96. Joe 5 Oct 2011 @ 6:56 pm

    Flea,

    I am in a similar situation as yourself. My brother has some sort of mental disorder which I assume to be depression and/or bipolar disorder (I don’t know what it is since he refuses to go to the doctor).
    He is actually my twin brother, so we are quite close.
    We also moved far away from our home when we were young and our parents are divorced.
    He is very very shy, and while I am also shy, I know how to make friends and “turn it on” when necessary.

    Anyway, I just graduated college, and I feel like I cannot leave him, because he has no friends and i am pretty much the only person he has in his life. This is one of the things that makes him depressed, that he has no friends, and he thinks he has a speech problem, so he never talks in public.

    I too am conflicted on whether I should leave him and just live my own life, or whether I should do my best to get a job around here and stick with my family until he gets better.

    I actually do not have an answer to your question. I too am very conflicted about what to do, and just wanted to know that there are also other people in your same scenario. I just want to get him professional help, and that is my number one concern. Because I just want to make sure I did everything I could to help him.

    If you have already gotten help for him, I would say its time to start living your own life. Personally, I would at least be at a certain level of peace with the fact that I know I did whatever I could to help. But I hope someone who has already experienced what we are going through can help us with a better answer.

    I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

97. Dena Self 13 Oct 2011 @ 10:18 am

    I have been reading all the comments on this page and my heart goes out to all. I too, am combating a grown daughter who has recently been diagnosed with major depression. Most likely she has suffered with this disease since her early teens. What brought it on? Who knows. I certainly don’t. I know she has always struggled with relationships since a small child. Just could never “keep” a friend. She will be 37 shortly and has a non verbal autistic 12 year old child with other developmental delays . We also discovered he had type I diabetes 2 year ago. I have him 50% of the time and know she cannot take care of him unless I am involved. She says she cannot give him showers or brush his teeth if he refuses and that he gets up in the night and she cannot get him back to sleep. I don’t have these problems. He pinches and pulls her hair yet I don’t have these problems to the extent she does. Do you feel that she cannot take care of her child because of this disease? She receives his SSI and gets in home support for supposedly taking care of him. I really feel I would be watching him all the time if she didn’t receive money as that is her only income. She lives with a total verbal abuser both to her and to her son. I can’t understand. As her mother and grandmother of the child I don’t know what to do. I tell her to have her son drink from a cup; sit on the toilet etc. because I do when he is here. She only says, “What are you trying to do? Make it hard on me?” I just want my grandson to be able to grow into a young man! Oh what do I do?

98. Natalie 14 Oct 2011 @ 1:10 pm

    This site is fantastic! I helped my boyfriend through severe depression for several months last year, and without knowing it I had done exactly the things mentioned on this site to help him. Today he is a much happier person and has the strength to put his life back together. Now, the tables have turned and I am the one experiencing depression. My boyfriend is finding it hard to understand how I feel and has gotten very frustrated with me at times (ironic, I know!). In turn, I get frustrated with myself because I want to be able to tell him how to help me. And that’s exactly the tool that this site has given me! Having experienced being the care-giver and seen how effective the points on this site are, it gives me the hope that I was so desperately lacking before. So, thank you!! :)

99. Frosa 20 Oct 2011 @ 11:38 pm

    Ohhh wow! Somewhere I can finally talk openly about our problem dealing with a person with many problems. She is my sister almost 40 years old now with a 11 months old son and pregnant again! She has not been diagnosed with any illness as she was never able to reach someone professionally to talk about her problems. She was always running from one country to another, leaving jobs after arguing with someone, and always asking money from my pensioner parents. Today she lives to a shed with no electricity or water asking money and food from the church in North Greece. The people there are asking my parents to take her home but how , we have no money to support private counselling and my parents are old and really don’t know how to deal with her in their own house. I live in London and just don’t know how to help what to do, I am worried soooo much about my little nephew, he state but will soon be worried for both my parents that they old and with their own health problems. Can someone help with I am advise , I am just so stack .Thank you!!

100. Jo 29 Oct 2011 @ 2:49 pm

     Hi all
     I’ve been reading the posts with great interest as my fiancé has had another set back. He has anxiety and depression, and now he has been diagnosed with hyper vigilance too.
     His meds are plateauing I feel and his counselling is taking an age to come through.
     Today I found more inappropriate texts to random females on his phone…. He said he’d screwed up again, didn’t mean it etc etc – I know in my heart it’s a coping strategy to get a quick self esteem boost and ignore reality but it’s so disrespectful.
     I want so much to be supportive and overlook his transgressions but it is like I’ve become his mother not his fiancée…,
     I just wanted to say to those that care for spouses – dont feel guilty for being hurt/angry, it’s a healthy response to how the illness treats you. But realising the illness is causing you the pain makes it easier to live with the person currently behind it

101. Australia2405 1 Nov 2011 @ 10:54 pm

     I have lived with my wife for 24 years she has been the reason for me to continue my journey in life.She gave me three beautiful daughters and for the last 12 years She has being suffering from depression I mean severe depression,She tried threee times to kill herself and my daughters found her lying on the floor now my 23 years old daughter suffer from same illness and she also tried to kill herself.For me is have been too much to handle lately I have being caring for all of them but now I ran out of hope and energy to continue this battle. I just want every to know that the love for my wife always is gonna be a special one.I learnt to love with her she showed me how to care for others and Ill never forget the day I met her she meant the whole world to me but this time im overwhelmed with all this I just pray every day to God to give me strength and wisdom to take the right decision in my life. Whoever is going through this I want you to know that no matter what keep helping them until you had enough and you cant continue anymore caring for others and forgetting about yourselves.

102. Jessica 4 Nov 2011 @ 7:54 am

     this is not much help i have already done all of this with my brother but he wont tell anyone about his depression and what causes it he just gets mad and blows up at everyone and blames everyone and everything for his short comings i dont know how to deal with this because he cuts me down and belittles me and then i just walk away before i explode and snap

103. Help 9 Nov 2011 @ 12:11 am

     Hi,

     My husbandof past 8 years has suddenly gone into emotional detachment. At times I can see and urge from his side to get back to normal but then again he forces himself into negative thoughts. He is verbally abusive and bitter. I tried talking and listening but that did not help. Its been 1 month and I have no clue whether this is depression or self pity or merely his stubborness. He blames me for every wrong in his life. What can I do?

104. Lisa 9 Nov 2011 @ 7:31 am

     Hi, I know exactly how you feel. I have been going throught his with my boyfriend of 5 years for the last 11 months. It is a living nightmare.
     Everything i say seems to annoy my boyfriend…last year we got engaged and were planning for future plans and he was so happy….now its like i have someone different that im spending my life with and someone i do not recognise anymore.
     Have you tried suggesting he goes to speak to someone…even if it is a mutual friend to start off with. Men very often get bitter as they do not how to deal with their thoughts or feelings

105. Colin 12 Nov 2011 @ 1:21 am

     Right now I’m going through a severe depression.
     It started this Wednesday.
     I don’t know why or how, just suddenly I felt uncomfortable or insecure while I was at my office desk. And didn’t want to face people or show face in public places. I haven’t had such feeling for quite a long time. The last time I suffered this depression is this earlier this June when I was turned down by a girl. But before that, I also got depressed often, always no exact reason and need a very long time to recover from it. Currently, I can’t think clearly or remember vividly. I can’t even understand people or communicate with them. I’m depressed even when I’m with my best friends.
     And the thing is I’m in China. Here people don’t think of this as an illness. People say it’s just kind of bad mood or even personality shortcomings. There’re quite few professional doctors in this mental disorder area here and the expenditure for personal cure is very very expensive. I have been to a big hospital in my hometown a few years ago, the doctor didn’t even pay attention to what I had to say and just asked me to buy quite a lot medicine.
     Even my families do not understand me. Especially my sister who thinks I’m just being lazy and stupid. Every time I tried to explain the state of my mind to her, she shouted to me and laughed at me. And when I tell my mom that I don’t feel normal and depressed, she’d be very angry and criticized me. Since I can’t talk to my friends about this, I have to stand all this all by myself.
     I think I must be a very little poor pathetic person to my colleagues.
     And I don’t know how to walk out of this unexpected and serious depression.
     Right now I can’t remember, think clearly and can’t communicate with people like normal people do. It’s been very painful…
     What should I do to get rid of this mental disorder?
     Should I get a book for this?
     Please help me.

106. carole 13 Nov 2011 @ 8:48 am

     hi colin i’m srry to hear how alone you are.Unfortunately the biggest problem when you have a mental illness is those closest to you dont want to accept it.it sounds like you need some medication too.i have bipolar AND WITHOUT MY MEDS I’M A BIG MESS!!
     hang i there there is a light at the end of the tunnel

107. Jessica 16 Nov 2011 @ 12:06 pm

     Hello everyone I’m going through depression :-( I’m a 25 year old woman and been through a lot. I got married at 16 and divorced at 22 my ex husband use to beat me and cheat I walked in on him and another woman :-( that pain hurt so bad ! I’m now dating a man who says he’s depressed his gram past 1 year ago and he hasn’t gotten over it and in the mean time he pushes me away. We hit rock bottom he says he don’t have those feelings for be and the drive to want to make me happy ! We haven’t had sex in 2.5 months he’s 31! He says some hurt full tjhingd like I’m annoying when I try to tell him he hurting me :-( he don’t want to here it he says stuff my feelings and that he’s going through a lot and don’t care bout what I’m going through when he’s the cause of it! I don’t know what to do I’m beautiful Im a fitness model and no I can get anyone I want but I can’t seem to shake this guy:( he says he lost those feelings for me and not sure he will get them back ! It hurts to know this please tell me what you think thanks god bless

108. Christine 17 Nov 2011 @ 5:19 am

     I have been trying to help my husband for several years now with his handling depression with alcohol,, everything I try doesn’t work, and any suggestion anyone has I have tried, We have been to many professionals and nothing works for long. It gets depressing to live with as well, I have gone downhill as much as I try to be positive and healthy, it affects everyone, including our children this whole thing is ruining our family, Its a new roller coaster way of life I fear will never stop with his denial. I wish there was a way to help someone that doesn’t yet want it, He says he doesn’t want to go on an anti depressant for the side effects, any side effect is far better than this I am thinking? I speak from experience myself. I had a horrible reaction from one, at least I got over that in time, but I was willing to accept help and new how to ask ?

109. Iain 20 Nov 2011 @ 4:37 am

     Another fantastic series of posts! Having depression is difficult enough but I can image how hard it must be for someone close to someone with this condition if they do not know how to help (because of course, they will!).

     I wrote a Squidoo lens recently on how to Beat Depression http://www.squidoo.com/coping-resources-for-depression

     Thanks

     Iain

110. Mel 20 Nov 2011 @ 9:48 am

     Hi.

     I’ve been reading your posts & finally understand a friend’s deep depression. I cried my eyes out today & felt like she dumped all her negativity on me. She has said some strange things like “please don’t visit next spring break” or “I think you should just be with your family for Christmas.” in a rude way. She doesn’t fully read into people’s problems correctly & does not want to go into counseling when I suggested it to her.

     I have gone through forms of depression myself (mainly because I wasn’t always treated right) & went through therapy. Being a little different doesn’t bother me so much, and my boyfriend is different too. My friend though is pushing me & lots of others away and it really makes me cry. She lives 5 hours away from me, whereas when I met her 7 years ago, she lived 5 minutes from me & we both played violin together. I talked to her nana the other day, & her nana said her apartment was heavily hoarded, she needs to break off the relationship for a while & we will be close again. It could be a six months for all I know & my friend is like a sister to me & her family is like a second family to me. It just breaks my heart to see her go through this.

     Today, i finally understood how to separate her from her depression. Severe depression is not easy to detect, & I am in tears writing about this. Now I know why she keeps her car like it’s a purse (as her step-dad days) & why she is unpredictable. She’s a very good friend & she says i’m one of the better friends she’s ever had. She’s had a very horrible life & has thyriod problems, so that explains why she’s so depressed. She’s had rough emotional times as her nana said & she even dropped all her classes & plans to change her major in the spring. I probably won’t be able to see her this Christmas & that makes me cry really bad, even my boyfriend had to hold me last night & a professor hugged me the other night I was so sad. She goes through depression off & on, & once blamed my difference for why she cannot understand me, but I told her it’s I’ve never been in her situation & not to blame my difference.

     This October was bad for me & I didn’t mean to blow her off as well as other friends. I had 4 mid-terms in one week & it was so stressful, at least I passed them all. Now I socially came back around & am trying to visit others around Christmas as well as give her the space she needs. She has rudely before requested me to get help, which I then was, & has seen me twice talk to my therapist on the phone when I was up visiting her.’

     I feel really bad for her & want her go get all the help she needs, so we can be close again. I’ve been very devastated for the past 2 days & now I have been asking lots of others to pray for her & I feel like I am losing my sisterly friend.

     I chose to carry on by myself after my therapist moved away & it’s gotten easier. A wonderful teacher I had in high school, moved 6 months ago & that was also hard for me, & I kept up with her as much as she could until she retired this year.

     When my friend went to school part time & work full time, she was perfectly fine. She got worse when she went to university & was working full time & school full time. She was so exhausted & burned out it was no joke. I didn’t realize part of my forms of depression was from her rough life.

     Another friend of mine, had a depressed brother, & he committed suicide right before my 25th birthday & it was so hard on her & her family. I check to see how they are doing when I can & she appreciates all my help & I was one of a few who came out to help her when all this happened.

     Sorry I am out of order a little bit, but I really needed to express my feelings for I am once of the better friends people say, & I hate it when others are rude. Now I can see where my friend is coming from after all these years & it will now be easier to deal with when we get close again.

     please take care guys & your posts have really touched me,
     Mel

111. joy parekh 20 Nov 2011 @ 10:48 am

     to help those person who are suffer depression you all don’t need to do anything just give them a advice to do meditation half an hour in a day he or she can get rid out of depression in a couple of month believe me friends its a best treatment to get rid out of depression quickly in the majority of the person who suffers depression by the causes of fear , lack of confidence, worst past and loneliness, so its my advice to to meditation regularly to get your confidence back.give unconditional love to your past.. to the all the persons to whom you have ever met before and. enjoy the happy and healthy life….

112. Sandi 22 Nov 2011 @ 8:13 am

     My mom has had nerve problems for 40+ years. Over the years it has been adjust the meds and she is down for a week or so and then back on her feet. She is 83. She has been in the psych ward 6 out of the last 9 weeks. The first time she came out her meds were not working. This time she was great in the ward, looking forward to coming home and saying and doing all the right things. Her meds seem to calm her 200% and she is lucid and speaking without a problem. When she found out she is coming home…she starts with the panic. I really think the problem is not her depression and anxiety as much as lonliness and getting older and giving up driving etc. I don’t think she belongs in the psych ward, but she is spiraling downward right now at home. She is talking suicide, “sleeping til its over”, etc. etc. She gave up driving on her own…and now she is regretting it although it was a good thing(she drove across a bridge into traffic on the wrong side of the bridge)…so she really can’t drive. My sister and brothers all are by her side. Constantly offering to take her out etc. She is turning everyone down. She seems to be more and more confused. They did take a catscan and didnt reveal a problem? I am lost. I don’t know what to say, nothing I say seems to be the right thing. I have been her best friend forever…we always do stuff together. But now she says I don’t love her and I yell at her. (I did have words with her…she seems to only remember that incident and nothing else). I really think she would be better off in a controlled environment, independent living with 24 hour staff that makes sure she eats etc. She is resisting? I am lost??? What do I do??

113. chris 23 Nov 2011 @ 6:38 am

     my girlfriend found out she is on the wrong meds. now she just got a good doc and new meds. she has been so wishy washy and we have been off and on. i love her and we used to be great together . my question is once she gets the meds in her system and she gets her blood work done will we go back to the same happy couple or is it going to be like now when she is unsure and not sure im the right one when she never used to feel this way????

114. Victoria 24 Nov 2011 @ 8:26 am

     Want to say thanks to everybody who post here. You helped me a lot with my puzzles and confusion…

115. Derek 27 Nov 2011 @ 4:40 pm

     Many thanks for all the comments.

     Where is the line between being a helpful supportive person to… being an enabler?

     Would appreciate your comments
     Love to all

116. Outdoorgirl 28 Nov 2011 @ 1:08 pm

     I appreciate all of your comments….it is a tough road to travel…don’t give up, you can beat it! Love and prayers….the mom of a son with depression.

117. hopee 29 Nov 2011 @ 12:39 am

     worried sister
     ,I am so stuck with a problem. We are 4 (one brother and 3 sisters).We have lost our parents one after the other .My mother died of cancer 6years ago. My parents gave us many things but did not teach how to take a stand for Self Respect. We were not to say any thing to any elder either from my mother’s or father’s family for the wrong they did to us physically or especially mentally. It was they who brought about serious inferiority complexes in our life one way or the other.

     This problem actually relates to my youngest sister A. Just because of some unavoidable reasons such as bad attitudes of relatives and friends etc. She has developed a serious inferiority complex cum depression. As they all said that she is not beautiful at all. Bye the way she has now completed L.L.B., but all the way she had n has this problem.
     The inferiority complex about her looks extends to superiority complex in a certain way too as you know it is the process. For the last six years she had a very bad relation with us, her only three caring elders in the whole world initially she used to say that she is not like us which grows into a situation that she refused to talk to us. Especially she is very very hateful towards me.

     On the other side we love her so much. We take care of her; provide her the things as possible under our means. Even we do shopping for her as she refused to go any where (and if she go she has only complains) cook food. Whatever we can do to show that we love her.

     I tried my level best to make up the situation but she even doesn’t want to see my face while we are living together.
     For the last 4 years I made countless attempts to make up with her but she did not moved.
     She has made ridiculous objection over my personality. For example, why I used to wear lipstick. She even tries to make my character scandalous without any reasons.
     She refused to do any thing, literally she stayed idle. She doesn’t want to meet any one. She is not happy at all, but very stubborn and disrespectful even towards her only three blood relations in the entire world.
     I know you would suggest a psychiatrist. But understand my problem. She doesn’t even talk to us what to listen us and go to a psychiatrist.
     And of course how can I forgot back in 2000,when she was a little more cute girl towards me I took her to the renowned psychiatrist Haroon Rashid. One of his assistant see her and she (psychologist) made the sitation more worse(in those days my mother was alive and A had some respect for us)
     The problems turns into a monstrous situation. I don’t know how to solve it. My mind is empty I cannot think anymore. We as a family of four are completely Paralyzed.
     Please do some thing. I cannot see her self destruction.
     What to do?
     Worried sister. please reply me at my e mail as early as possible.

118. hopee 29 Nov 2011 @ 12:41 am

     reply even on this post.

119. Anna 30 Nov 2011 @ 9:23 pm

     Hello hopee,

     You are in a really complex and difficult situation, and you have my full sympathy. Have you discussed this in depth with your other siblings? It sounds like you all need to agree on a plan and stick to it. I can see that your sister is not willing to see a mental health professional. However, I think it may be good for you to see one, so that you can get some help for your stress levels and some specific advice on what would work with helping your sister. Looking after yourself will help you look after your sister better. Getting some professional advice could make all the difference. I hope this helps.

120. K 3 Dec 2011 @ 10:36 pm

     My boyfriend of a year also suffers from depression. He’s currently in his late twenties and he has said that his twenties has been a downward slide and every year has been progressively worse. I’ve only known him for a year, but the him I know is a vibrant and gregarious person when he’s not in his moods.

     When he gets in his moods, he’ll be extremely irritable and critical. He’ll focus on little details and get very vocal. In the past I would respond back and I still usually do, because I view a lot of the stuff as nitpicking, it irritates me to no end because I’m the one doing the majority of the chores and to have him standing behind me and basically nit pick drives me nuts! Having read the articles above, and through experience and numerous fights i have learned to fall less for the bait but it’s still hard. I still have hopes of him being an equal and respectable partner, so it’s hard for me to bite my tongue. I have to keep in mind it’s the illness that’s speaking, not him.

     Sometimes the exchanges becomes heated; he
     has struck me on a number of occasions. During these moods he’ll blame me for everything, he’ll call me names and attack me, say I’m dumb and thoughtless, he’ll say I never have anything to say, he’ll say things haven’t gone well for months. He’ll find an opening and if I take the bait it’ll escalate to that point.

     I’m upset by all of this, I’m upset I can’t communicate with him like an adult without him going nuts. I love him but sometimes I wonder if he’s better off without me, if I enable him. He’s currently unemployed and living off his credit card, and I pay for most groceries, except dinner. Dinner is his domain, and everything else is mines, and I’m happy with that arrangement, but lately he’s been asking me to get dinner as well. Arguements have ensured!

     Should I leave him? I feel I’m a pretty healthy individual, I love him, and I’ve been through depression myself. He’s great when he’s not in his moods and I accept his depression, and I truly just want to be there for him. But he has hit me in the past and it’s likely he will again. He’s on meds but he refuses to get therapy.

     Maybe it’s time I moved out?

121. michaela 5 Dec 2011 @ 6:47 pm

     Hi there I suffer with depression. I’m a lot like most of what you said above, my fiance is at breaking point with me for the way I am I don’t want to lose him, could u please send me leaflets about how to care for a person with depression I really want him to see my point.of view b4 its to late and I lose him. Also I do not take my citolapram 20mg (think I do not know how to spell it correctly) as I have a young child to look after and they make me drowsy I want to get better but how can I if I can’t take my medication?? Please help me on both my problems thank u sooo much xx.

122. Cheryl 7 Dec 2011 @ 7:41 am

     I have read lots of these comments and really it doesn’t make me feel any better. My brother is currently in a psychiatric hospital as he tried to take his life about 4 weeks ago. I live 3 hours away from him and to make things worse have 2 children and my husband works away so i am on my own all week, which makes it really difficult to visit him.

     We had a terrible childhood and my mother abandoned us and left us with an abusive man, when she returned 4 years later we never really felt like she was there for us.

     My brother has had 2 broken marriages and a string of broken relationships. He gets into lots of debt and just makes poor decisions in life. I am his main support network and its me he calls when he needs cash or his relationships breakdown. I have always been here for him and this has now been going on for about 15 years. Things are now absolutely terrible all he says to us is that he is in a dark place and he wants to kill himself, He was released from hospital for a week and he didn’t try anything again but continually told us he wanted to take his life. I read all these sites and have tried to try and understand this illness as much as possible I am trying to show him love and support but he just seems so selfish at the moment he doesn’t think this illness is effecting anyone but him, we are all absolutely devastated but just dont no how much more I and we can cope with. He seems to be relishing in all the attention I no this sounds terrible because I feel terrible saying it, I have sobbed to him and told him how much I love him and don’t no what else to do and were to go. We had bad words on the phone tonight and he put the phone down on me, I am at my wits end please somebody HELP!!!!!!!!!

123. angela 10 Dec 2011 @ 3:42 am

     Cheryl, I am the one that is depressed and suicidal. I can tell you from experience that is is not a selfishness when someone wants to commit suicide. I’m not talking about the depression from, ‘oh, my parents yelled at me a few times’. I;m talking about repeated chronic episodes in life whether physical or mental or both that take away your soul. It sounds as your brother has had some of these. It’s hard to explain the overwhelming crippling feelings of anguish, anger, frustration, depression, etc., etc., etc. It is the soul and spirit dying. I don’t have any answers for you but just trying to explain where your brother may be coming from. I have no answers myself and just keep having to endure this daily minute by minute second by second. It’s no way to live but the only way I have so I have to endure it, I have no choice and that is how your brother probably feels, too…..

124. hopee 12 Dec 2011 @ 10:51 pm

     Dear angela & chreyl
     I have deep sympathy for both of you in my heart.But listen one thing “In tough times u will find two hands eagerly waiting to help u and those two hand will be at the ends of your own arms”.
     Please change the perspective of your understanding of life.Try to explore life.Read new books.Autobiographies of self-made people will help you to think that life is something else than we ordinarily take it to be.
     Angela this is not a sermon but think for a while why Almighty has taken the pain to create you?There must be a high place you have in his plan of life on planent Earth.You should try to open your eyes and transcend yourself over this temporary phase of depression.He The Merciful will surely help you.
     Chreyl !
     Please take good care of yourself.Give your brother some space.Just keep in touch with him.He is free to make any decision about his life no one can obstruct him at this time.I took the impression as he is very imotional and used to take you forgranted.Help him but only in approaching real picture of world and worldly affairs.Try to divert his attention in constructive hobbies.
     I pray for all of you.Good time will surely come.
     If Winters come
     can Spring be far behind ?

125. Caireen Taylor 14 Dec 2011 @ 10:52 am

     Hi can someone please give me advice what to do my son I’s 19 he has completely lost his confidence has no friends and won’t go out of the house Ive got him to go to a therapist but he always ends up not wanting to see them I’ve tried to get him to go to the gym and I said I would go with him but he has made excuses not to go he’s so good looking tall but hates himself and says people look at him when he goes out and just wants to be invicible I’m scared to go out as I am single and would love to have a life but scared to leave him as somedays he threatens suicide
     I’m such a positive happy person but as sometimes he punches doors and kicks things I don’t know what to do I’m so exhausted by it all I just don’t know where else to turn it’s like living with a monster and other days he’s laughing and joking it’s a rollercoster of a life,

126. Marie 16 Dec 2011 @ 11:13 am

     Caireen, I think you need to take the time and take your son to a doctor or hospital. Your son is an adult and needs help. I do not know his history but has he been doing drugs? He is talking about killing himself, he needs medication if for a short time. Also if he is making holes in doors and walls this is rage which may require a short hospital stay for his own well being. Don’t wait until its too late. Been through this with my child and he is now doing excellent. Good luck!

127. LEE 20 Dec 2011 @ 11:58 am

     I found the biggest problem solver. My son would forget to takes his meds all the time. This would start to spiral out of control. We bought a MED-Q Pill box. The dialy box lights up and beeps at the time he set. It’s been great. He never forgets any more. It costs less than 40 dollars but has been PRICELESS. Google MEDQ Piiibox

     Lee

128. catherine 5 Jan 2012 @ 2:35 am

     Living in a home with more than one depressed person can be truly exhausting,Loving them no matter how strong you are still eventually takes a toll on you as well and you feel as though you can run away and just never look back.

     But thats a temporary feeling since when you truly love your family you pray,you hope and you hold on and give all the support you can no matter the off balance state,

129. SM 5 Jan 2012 @ 11:00 pm

     I am at the end of my tether. My partner or 23 years wa ssexually abused a s child and has been very possesive and jealous of men for the last 3 years since he was attacked when on holiday. He says that it brought it all back to him.

     Anyway within the last year he has been getting worse and more paranoid about many things (even our daughter has no freedom because he thinks she may get attacked. I can’t go out for a walk on my own because he thinks something will happen to me.
     Because this caused so many problems n our relajtionship he said he would get help and start with reporting the man who abused him. After having to give statements to the police his behavour got even worse and I think he has depression. The mental health unit that he has been taken to each time say he has an alcohol problem and they see no sign of depression.

     He has tried to commit suicide at least 5 times, sometimes when on his own and I have either found him, my 11 year old daughter found him unconscious with tablets lying around so I know it has been serious.

     His moods can go up and down. Some days he is on top of the world and has all these great plans other days he thinks everybody hates him, he is worthless, he has a very bad temper and has smashed up furniture, windows and items in the house, cups etc. Anything that is special to me I am afraid to put it on display and have several items packed away so they can’t get broken.

     He does drink a lot and thinks it makes him feel better even thought I have tried to explain its only temporary. As soon as he gets drunk he can either be in a really good mood or bad depending how his day has went. One wrong remark from me can start him off. He can be really nasty to me at times and very verbally abusive

     He hates crowds and going out in public at the moment and when help is suggested to boost his confidence he uses the excuse that he can’t go into rooms with people in them as he would feel stupid. He has worked for most of his life and is in no way stupid having had a few good jobs in his lifetime. If I go places with him he isn’t too bad but I have a business and this is suffering because he demands I shut my shop as he doesn’t want to be alone. Obviously the business is suffering but I am selfish and only care about my shop and not him even though this is getting us into debt and rent arrears

130. Marla Jo Zeller 10 Jan 2012 @ 3:16 am

     I agree with the mental health unit that he has seen. He is an alcoholic. He may be depressed as well because alcoholics become depressed but the first thing he must do is quit drinking. I drank for a few years very much. I was out of control. I quit cold turkey. I knew I had to quit and I did n’t want to go to a hospital so I did it on my own. Not everyone should do it like that. It can be dangerious. But I am a nurse and new what to do. I backed off slowly. I was already a depressant. So I then had to deal with that. But while I drank I had a nasty attitude too. So I know what you are going through. My husband drank too. We both quit. I have a blog now that may help you… expressionsofdepression.com . May he find the courage to get off the booze and may you have the find the courage to see him through. God bless you.

131. jay 11 Jan 2012 @ 12:37 am

     27year old women got depression.These symptoms she had:
     1.lack of sleep
     2.anger
     3.too much of worsen words talking
     anger times
     4.she knows art very well(she is not doing anything)
     5.she is not affectionate even husband and kid

132. jeremy 12 Jan 2012 @ 9:36 am

     ive dealt with depression almost all my life.. and what ive found is that very very few people within your family are going to understand. thats it.. get it through your head and believe it cause its true. what you have to do is realize that they have lives that they live and nothing youre going to say to them is going to stop them from living it the way they want.. so thats YOUR right too! if you have a brother or sister that makes you feel suicidal after you get done talking to them..STOP talking to them! its not worth it..and throw guilt away. you have the right to feel anyway you feel, just like they do. find the people who make you feel safe and good and STICK with them! theyre your yellowbrick road! its not your fault that you are the way you are. love yourself and let yourself know that you love and understand your situation.. sit down in front of a mirror and get it out and have an honest one on one with yourself and tell yourself that you care and you love you! its important.. look yourself square in the eyes and say I LOVE YOU! and watch things begin to change. do it as many times as it takes… YOUR WORTH IT! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE AND LOVE! your worthy! because God made you a marvelous creation! and he wants you to know that your special and that you dont have to feel guilty and ashamed of how you feel.. no matter what you feel. Love yourself..and say it! say it loud and say it proud! and stick close to the ones who really love you ..and let the ones who dont GO! for your sake..because you dont deserve to be abused! you deserve LOVE LOVE LOVE..just like everybody else!

133. heather 14 Jan 2012 @ 3:18 am

     I am glad I found this article with all of these posts from caregivers as well as those suffering from depression. I grew up with a father who suffered (still does) from depression. I remember always wondering how my mom was dealing with it. I always said if I was with someone like that there is no way I could deal with it. but guess what…now I am married to someone who suffers from an extreme bipolar disorder and I am trying to deal with it…now I see where my mom was coming from not wanting to give up and putting up with the horrible things because she truly loved my dad. This is one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I dont feel like I am doing a good job! We have been married 6 months now…here lately things have been so bad…I cant tell you how many times he has threatened to leave and divorce me and then two days later “he would never leave me, because I am the best thing ever”. He says meaner things to me than anyone ever has my entire life….it hurts…I try to tell myself that it is the bipolar coming thru and that he loves me but it is very hard to do…this last 2weeks he has been off one of his meds for depression…they have been awful he goes off on me if I say anything at all…wont talk to me…makes me feel like I mean nothing…I try to tell him he really needs to get his meds but he doesnt think he really needs them. I truly love my husband ofcourse thats why I married him…I just dont know what to do anymore. I am a good person and feel like I deserve love and to be emotionally supported to but we are too busy catering to his moods I’ve just given up on my feelings and am just trying to find a way to make our marriage work. The comments on here have started to help me have a little insight…it helps to know that this is common…and not just my husband “hating” me…but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with. Im going to finish reading comments and will continue to check this site. I saw the wqebsite that was posted for help and plan on researching it also.

134. tommy 19 Jan 2012 @ 5:57 am

     I have been with my wife for 14 years although we have only been married for 7. We have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. My wife was sexually abused by a family member when she was young and was never allowed to deal with it. No counseling.no mentioning it to any one, and made to live in the same house with that person while growing up. I myself didn’t even find out about it until 6 years after we had been together. I knew that she acted a little withdrawn from people even when we first got together. She is a wonderful person and I have done everything that I can think of to help her. We took a job together in a tourist business that had her mingling with people for 8-10 hours a day and she really got better and became more out going. Well that job ended and we moved back down closer to her family when the baby was born. Everything was going great for a while and I noticed that she started losing interest in lots of things. Her moods were up and down, ahe didn’t want to go out or do things as a family, and I sugested that she see some one and see if there was a problem.She refused and said that there was nothing wrong with her. Well, three years later , her problemed has worsened. She says hurtful things to others and feels that she doesn’t need to apologize. I have had to call hher down for getting on the little girl like a drill seargent on new recruits, she feels no remorse for any of this and when I mention counseling she goes off and screams that there is nothing wrong with her and the other day told me that she wants me to move out that she can handle all of this by herself. She says that I am playing mind games with her and that I think that she is crazy. I tell her that I think no such thing but I think that there is a problem that needs to be taken care of and that the problem is not her fault. She will not listen to reason. I love her with all my heart and want to help her. What do I do next!

135. Faith Dwyer 24 Jan 2012 @ 12:55 pm

     What about when it’s a Major Depressive Disorder WITH
     psychosis. After 6 months of trying to deal with the psychosis I found it entirely too difficult, and, in fact, dangerous. I live with a HUGE amount of guilt for not being able to deal with it and sending the love of my life back to the town of his origin all alone and more depressed than ever. I wish we’d never hooked up. i feel like i’ve caused him even MORE pain than he ever deserved in his life.

136. ash 29 Jan 2012 @ 9:07 pm

     I don’t even eat right anymore at al. also I’m bipolar I wass once told Ihad a.d.d ontop of that borderline personalty disorder. wow am crazy? help me I sometimes like now feel ashamed. he’s so quiet I annoy him I feel lol I talk a lot. lol ill be talkn to him and he wont hear me. I just wannabe alone a lot or sleep. I don’t want to take medication…the lady precribed me ahhh I’m very/ extremly tired

137. ash 29 Jan 2012 @ 9:22 pm

     I don’t even eat right anymore at al. also I’m bipolar I wass once told Ihad a.d.d ontop of that borderline personalty disorder. wow am crazy? help me I sometimes like now feel ashamed. he’s so quiet I annoy him I feel lol I talk a lot. lol ill be talkn to him and he wont hear me. I just wannabe alone a lot or sleep. I don’t want to take medication…the lady precribed me lithium ahh I’m very/ extremly tired right now. your gonna laugh at me but ohwell only reason I’m up is because I spent along time tonight slowly reading and listening to quite a few of u. I feel I belong here.. ;-( u seem to describe me. I do have. my good days but I cant keep the good days I’m very moody at times god plz help me. I seem to name call

138. ash 29 Jan 2012 @ 10:08 pm

     I don’t even eat right anymore at al. also I’m bipolar I wass once told Ihad a.d.d ontop of that borderline personalty disorder. wow is that crazy? help me I sometimes like now feel ashamed. he’s so quiet I annoy him I feel lol I talk a lot. lol ill be talkn to him and he wont hear me. I just wannabe alone a lot or sleep. I don’t want to take medication…the lady precribed me lithium ahh I’m very/ extremly tired right now. your gonna laugh at me but ohwell only reason I’m up is because I spent along time tonight slowly reading and listening to quite a few of u. I feel I belong here.. ;-( u seem to describe me. I do have. my good days but I cant keep the good days I ‘m very moody at times god plz help me with advice… I’m not understood and he tells me the way I am and preaches at me on how I should be. I cant help it. Its hard very……..I now days just wanna run and hide….I am very helpful I’m good hearted. I love everybody. I give my last, I feel like just melting in a hole but I’m very thankful I love my family. I’m thankful for my sweetheart…yes the one who preaches at me:)…. erik…if it wasn’t for him being at my side and helping me through the times of guilt..anxiety…mood changes….anger …. etc he must love me right:) he’s strong minded :) god gave us eachother. I stay home and wait on my best friend or text been sleeping during day while he’s at work. I feel that he’s the only one that accepts me I love this site.

139. ash 29 Jan 2012 @ 10:16 pm

     we been together 7 yrs.

140. Magpie 31 Jan 2012 @ 11:40 am

     Having read a lot of the posts here was wondering if anyone had some advice for me?
     My husband and I have been married now for just over a year and are expecting a baby in a few months. He has been told he is suffering from depression by well meaning people but i get to the point where i think he over thinks so much it makes him depressed… i sometimes feel he likes being this way. I try to be supportive but it gets to the point where i feel completely alone in dealing with my older daughter from another relationship and preparing for new arrivals.
     He has been to the doctors a few times and is on long term meds which have just been changed due to not being effective. He sits in tears some days. i dont understand it as much as i try. I try and point out the positives in his life and he will come back negative… It is almost as if he isnt happy unless the rest of us are miserable. This might sound awful to someone suffering from depression, but i find it very difficult to cope with my own issues and hormones without trying to help him too. It may seem selfish and i often feel guilty. when he is at his worst i often feel like how dare he be like that! he never stops moaning about everything but do nothing to help out and my daughter is suffering from his short temper verbaly. This may sound like a jumbled mess but i need help understanding him as he is driving me crazy.

141. Cameron 3 Feb 2012 @ 3:49 pm

     My girlfriend struggles with depression and it kills me to see the pain she is going through…. I find myself in tears almost daily now… my one goal in life is to see her happy again, and for her to find peace in God again. I will never give up on her. I will fight this disease and satan until my heart stops beating and they bury me in the ground!

142. amy 7 Feb 2012 @ 6:38 am

     I understand all of this is a disorder depression. I’ve had it myself but i’ve always been quite shy of admitting i’ve ever had a problem adiment i’ll fight it and i have. It was never me- it was my surroundings the people, they way i was taught, my thoughts and what i didn’t know. I’ve never blamed anyone for how i feel but understanding why things affect you is important so you can deal with it next time and keep yourself in top form. However you have to realise look at people who have made it…. who have the success you want. If they can do it so can you. Depression is just a by product of a situation thats making you feel helpless or out of control. Jumping and taking a risk is the first stage! Do something to make yourself happy listern to some music eat, drink, see friends… get support… All we need in life is to furfll our basic spiritual and physical needs.. If we could just learn nothing is instant. Things develop so develop patients for yourself and notice as you take new steps what helps and what doesn’t – you will get closer and one day you will be totally happy. For the meantime it seems quite normal even humanlike to have on and off days down periods e.t.c… Having to many down periods can’t be good but realise things come in 3′s and there will be an amazing time to make up for it. Everything in life is about balance. Although realise there is no differnce between later and now… and you can let good happen by letting go of the negative! Face your fear and your demons! Stop thinking I’ll do something later.. when later comes you will think later… Start thinking ‘now’ Your life will change- Trust me mine has. Holding onto hope is a massive achievement. Know how lucky you are when you have this! Everybody has this. Nothing is wrong with any of you people, change your perception- try it- You will soon see.

143. Maya 15 Feb 2012 @ 9:14 pm

     My mom has been depressed for years. All of the symptoms sound exactly like her. I don’t know what to do. I think I have been doing everything wrong. She says she feels hollow inside, that there is no point or purpose to her life, and that she has no energy for anything. She says she doesn’t know what to hold onto and that there seems to be no hope…and that she just has to “get back up a d keep going.”

     When and how should I suggest “getting help?” what does that even mean? When do change from saying that the circumstamces of your life are hard to saying that maybe you should see a doctor? Isnt it kind of like saying that “normal” people could handle this but you can’t because you’re depressed? I don’t want to hurt her. My mom doesn’t really believe in taking medicine; she doesn’t even like taking Advil when she has a headache.

     I am so sad for her. And I’m tired. And I feel like a giant failure.

144. Marla Jo Zeller 15 Feb 2012 @ 9:43 pm

     There are a lot of people who are offended when you suggest they need help but they may need to hear it to think about it. and some people, I have a daughter, refuse to take meds for years for fear of the side effects. My daughter finally went to a fibro doctor this week and got some pain meds and she’s been in pain for 20 years! You just have to love them through it and be patient with them. Do what you can for them and be understanding. Suggest what you can and let them think about it. Sooner or later things will change for them one way or another.You will see. It is their life. It is their decisions and their sufferings and their pains. You can’t life it for them. Do what y ou can and live your own life in your happiness.

145. nik 17 Feb 2012 @ 7:24 am

     there is a girl who is 23yr old and listining everybody but not talking……….but when somebody ask/tell her she only says “what is”

     is it sign of depression?

     has somebody symptom of this problem?
     please tell me as soon as possible and
     how you overcome from this problem?

146. niks 17 Feb 2012 @ 7:27 am

     there is a girl who is 23yr old and listining everybody but not talking……….but when somebody ask/tell her she only says “what is”

     is it sign of depression?

     has somebody symptom of this problem?
     please tell me as soon as possible and
     how you overcome from this problem?

147. Judy 21 Feb 2012 @ 6:16 pm

     Thank you for the interesting article.
     I have been having great difficulty the past few months. I just can’t seem to pick myself up from this dark hole I’m in.
     14 months ago I had a little boy born without the left side of his heart called HLHS he has undergone 2 open heart surgeries and several other procedures.
     The year before that I was in a horrible abusive relationship. I left the relationship when my special son was born and went through this pretty much by myself. My 16 year old daughter was there to help me when she could. I was jobless and homeless.
     I was given a apartment from a racehorse trainer and after Noah got out of the hospital I worked when I could for the trainer.
     I never had time to stop!
     I met a wonderful man, we recently moved in together.
     Then it just hit me. He just pushes and pushes and gives me ultimatums. I tell him I don’t know what is wrong. I try to open up when I can only for it to be not good enough and I just don’t snap out of things as he thinks I should.
     I am growing to resent him for this. Every day it is these huge talks and just so stressful. I just want to scream.
     Iam in the process of getting help. My I just feel like I’m going to explode. I just want to run away from it all sometimes. No one seems to understand And I don’t know how to fix it.
     Thank you for letting me talk.

148. Joao 21 Sep 2012 @ 8:50 am

     Thanks for all the thoughtful contributions here. Very intersting and some very helpful stuff. I note that the article is old and many comments. I find myself wondering (hopeing) everyone has grown in dealing with the depression….or depressed person…in their lives. I was touched reading Cameron’s post from early this year—-your girl friend is blessed to have you in her life. I’m praying for you both. Add an update if you can.

149. Claudia 4 Oct 2012 @ 6:20 am

     Hi everyone,

     My fiance has had what appeared to be a very sudden bout of depression. He has been dealing with alcohol issues since he was fourteen, and he said he used to be depressed before we were together. Long story short, I am away with family, and before I left he told me he no longer loved me and that he wanted to call off the engagement. We went to couples counselling and he started his antidepressants, but they seemed to make things worse. He would only feel numb. Now that I’m away, he’s skipped meetings with the psychologist, thrown out his medication and started to drink and cheat on me to ‘feel something’ and ‘stop feeling numb.’ I want to help him – I KNOW this is not who he really is, but it is so hard when he says he doesn’t want to be with me, doesn’t miss me, and might have feelings for a coworker (which were never there before the depression). Please help – I want help him but it’s so hard when he doesn’t even want me around. He doesn’t have any friends that are willing to not encourage him to drink and perpetuate the situation. I feel such a weight to take care of him because nobody else will and because I need to save him from this. I know it will be a long journey but I just want him to take the first steps… He has now stopped drinking and sleeping around but I hope he can hold out until I get back home in a week. But then I need to find somewhere else to live and get back to uni… Please help!