Hey, is depression meant to be sexy these days?

I’ve been browsing around stock image sites, searching on the word “depressed”. Here’s what I came up with.

I like to look like this when I’m depressed:

How about you?

I knew very little about bipolar disorder when my son was diagnosed. My knowledge was limited to the assumption that there were tremendous, manic highs…followed by deep moments of despair. I don’t know how I came upon this preconceived notion…but I’d never realized that depression could manifest itself in the form of annoyance and intense irritability.

Extreme, prolonged, intense irritability.

Yikes.

I’d written off T’s seething annoyance as everything from fatigue to hormones…and I still believe that a lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster. Or at minimum, it sets the stage for one hell of an argument.

I’ve learned over time that arguments with T are frequently dramatic, regularly intense and oftentimes draining. I used to panic at the depth of his anger…I’d have this sense that our relationship was on the brink of devastation and I’d fear that we’d never be the same again.

I’ve since realized that like a summer thunderstorm, his anger is powerful…but it blows over quickly. I also recognize that most of the time, my unconditional love makes me the perfect verbal punching bag for his frustration and mood swings.

And yet. This is the same guy who’s wickedly creative, with a wry sense of humor and the ability to deliver a joke with remarkable comedic timing. He’s charming, sensitive and will spend an inordinate amount of time helping a friend work through his problems, without any expectations or agenda. He cares deeply…about everything.

That intensity seems to be at the crux of his personality. There is no middle road with T…he moves at warp speed and lives his life with unbridled passion. You can’t help but to get caught up in his enthusiasm…to find yourself being swept up in the wave of emotions that make up a typical day in his life.

This spectrum of characteristics makes T one complicated guy. Being in a relationship with him can be exhausting…and exhilarating all at the same time. He challenges you to love him for who he is…and he has high expectations for himself and those around him.

If I said I didn’t have some concerns for his future, I’d be lying. T can be unrealistically impulsive…and he’s very much a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kinda guy. I’m not sure how that will translate into adulthood. I hope that with age, he may become a bit more practical…and a bit less reckless. But I hope he can maintain the qualities that make him the unique and extraordinary person I’ve grown to love.

As I’d expect, there may not be a middle of the road…for it’s all or nothing in the world, according to my amazing, complex boy.

–
This is the second of two posts written by Kathryn on loving someone with bipolar. The first post is Your Mood Swings are Giving Me Whiplash.

Many readers have similar experiences – living with and loving someone who has bipolar. I would love to turn this post into an ongoing conversation. Please leave your comments below!

I love my children.

It’s ironic how I feel the need to open with a disclaimer…but parenthood has not turned out to be the fairytale experience I’d imagined. Maybe it’s never wise to go into any situation with pre-conceived ideas of how it should go…you’re just setting yourself up for a whole lot of confusion.

I’d always wanted children, so after two surgeries to correct infertility and two unexplained back-to-back miscarriages, I’d begun to wonder if motherhood was something I’d ever get to experience.

The irony that our first-born son was diagnosed at 2 ½ with autism is not lost on me. Neither is the quirk of fate that led me to discover I’d become pregnant with our second-born son right around the same time.

The night T was born, he lay on the table as they cleaned him up and he screamed as if in excruciating pain. It was alarming. I remember asking the nurse if something was wrong and she replied, “No honey…nothing’s wrong. He just wants to be picked up. You are going to have your hands full with this one.”

Truer words were never spoken.

T has always been a willful child. I’d chalked most of his mood swings up to being a second-born, especially since his brother required quite a bit of attention. It wasn’t until around age 10 that we first heard the word bipolar. By this time, he’d become obstinate, irate and at times, downright belligerent. I remember wondering how a child so young could feel everything so…deeply. And, if he had to feel angry and upset…then so did I. He gave new meaning to the phrase “you always hurt the one you love”. I felt like I walked around with a permanent knife sticking out of my back…with a sign that said “twist here whenever you like! I’m here for you, babe!” He’d perfected early on the ability to use his words like weapons. That, combined with his above average IQ meant a whole lot of hurtful words that almost always hit their mark.

One day, around his 11th birthday I was taking him for a “Part 3” of a psych evaluation. He initially refused to get out of the car. When I finally cajoled him into entering the medical center, he refused to follow any of the doctor’s directions. He then made a crucial mistake: he casually announced to me that he’d rather kill himself and me…than ever deal with any of this again. He’d said it so matter-of-factly. If this was a mood swing, we’d hit rock bottom.

The doctors took his threat seriously and sent him to a psychiatric hospital for an unprecedented (by today’s insurance get ‘em in, get ‘em out as quick as possible practice) 7 ½ weeks of treatment. During that time, they tried an array of medications, talk-therapy (the doctors and parents talked, T simply sat there and dozed) and group therapy. In the end, he was released with a diagnosis of bipolar and was on several medications for the mood swings, including lithium.

Today, T is almost 18 years old. He graduates from high school in June and plans to go to college. Medication and diagnosis are always in the background, but he’s still done well in school, has a circle of a few very good friends and even has a serious girlfriend.

Still, the mood swings persist. I’d say 80% of the time he’s a fun-loving, witty, dynamic, creative, fabulous kid. But if he’s tired (and he often has trouble sleeping), he makes Jekyll and Hyde look like Bambi and Thumper. He’ll become challenging and combative and will argue circles around you…seemingly reveling in the experience of the argument more so than looking to make an actual point. His frustration and sense of entitlement are palpable…and intense. Arguments with him leave me feeling bloody, exhausted and immeasurably concerned for his future.

And then, it passes. Hours later, he’s calm…will probably have gotten in a long nap…and he’s apologizing for the outburst. My witty, loving son has returned. It’s like the sun peeking through the clouds after a surprise, intense thunderstorm…and the air is fresh and sweet…and full of…hope.

I’ve got a good feeling that he’ll be okay. As for me, my love for him allows me to practice the parental-refined art of selective amnesia when it comes to healing the emotional scars left by his razor-sharp words. That, and a lifetime supply of antibiotics…and I hope to be just fine as well.

–
This is the first of a couple of guest posts on loving someone with bipolar. The second post is Loving Someone with Bipolar. Thank you Kathryn!

After speaking at a recent mental health conference I left behind some business cards, so that anyone wanting more information about our Optimism products would feel free to contact me.

The next day I received a note which said, ‘Dear Mr. Bishop, I would very much like your help. I’m aware that the new DSM is coming out and I do not wish to be in it. Your guidance would be appreciated.’ I asked her to come in so we could discuss this further. The following is the transcript from our ‘meeting’”:

James: “Good morning…I’m sorry. Does…is your name Midge? It sort of looks like ‘Smidge’ here…”

Interviewee: “No, it’s ‘Smidge’. My mother claims she gained a ‘smidge’ more weight than any of her friends whilst I gestated and I apparently arrived in this world a ‘smidge’ earlier than she’d have liked. Evidently, there was a Bob Hope special on that night that she’d been looking forward to for months. Hence, the name.”

James: “Huh. Well. Welcome. It says here you’re a single mother of two?”

Smidge: (Confused) “It says where? What are you reading? (Eyes grow wide) Have you been following me?”

James: “No! No…of course not! You filled out this form…(waves paper in front of her)…the other day?…at the conference?….”

Smidge: “I don’t think so…I mean, I know I’m busy…I’ve got a full plate…many balls in the air…but I’m sure I’d remember filling out an entire form! (Frowns…trying to remember). For the record, I’d like it to be known that the only reason I went to that ‘Winter Mixer’ last week with my brother was because I needed a designated driver. I’m not pathetic, or anything. Is that on the form? Write that down…”

James: “Um. Okay….(scribbles on bottom of sheet). So, do you live with your brother?”

Smidge: “Uh-huh. And my mother and my dad and my aunt. Do you know she puts ketchup on everything? Don’t you think that’s odd?”

James: “What? Who are we talking about? Ketchup? Well, I guess it would depend. Does she put ketchup on food items only….or literally, everything??”

Smidge: “Ew. That would be really gross. Auntie puts ketchup on everything from oatmeal to roast beef….Mom buys the ketchup in those 12-packs from the bulk store. You know the ones I mean? And we live in one of those two-family, side-by-side units….me and my boys on one side and my brother, parents and ‘ole ketchup-lover there on the other. I refuse to share a bathroom with my brother ever again, after the unfortunate hamster debacle of 2005.”

James: “……. …….. ……… ……… ……….. …………”

Smidge: “Hel-lo? Are you okay there, buddy? I think I lost you for a minute. You look hungry. Do you want half of my scone? I think I have some extra ketchup packets in here…(rummages around in her bag, muttering to herself). Now I’m sure I’m going to wind up in that ‘Deeply Scatterbrained Menagerie’. I’m hopeless…”

James: “The what? The ‘Deeply’…what?”

Smidge: “The ‘D.S.M.’ (Rolls eyes) Haven’t you heard of it?”

James: “You know what? I’ve just remembered a prior engagement. I want to thank you for stopping by…”

Smidge: “But. Don’t you want to know what happened to Harvard?”

James: (Confused) “Harvard? The school in Massachusetts?”

Smidge: “Nooooo…Harvard the Hamster. I’m not sure you were listening. My brother? The bathroom? 2005??”

James “I thought I was…(rising)…but I’m afraid we’re out of time.”

Smidge: “Shall I stay and jot down some of my questions?”

James: “Um. How much paper would you need? I’m guessing Harvard the Hamster is just the tip of the iceberg here…”

Smidge: “Oh, you have no idea….”

I read two kinds of books. Quick, enjoyable, check-the-brain-out, junky fiction, and books that need to be read slowly, thought about, re-read and then considered some more.

Therese Borchard’s new book, “Beyond Blue”, is in the second category.

Personal accounts of mental illness have formed their own genre in recent years, and for many people there isn’t much room left on the bookshelf. But “Beyond Blue” is different.

Therese has sewn helpful and factual information seamlessly through the book, without being narrow or preaching. Her chatty, humorous, self-deprecating writing style makes this heavy topic easier to read and, in my own words, more digestible.

In the first part of the book Therese recounts her story thus far. It is intense. Perhaps for this reason she inserts “Sanity Breaks” in every second chapter. An excerpt from a poem, a collection of tips (“9 Ways to Stop Obsessing”) or a different angle on a topic (“30 Ways Motherhood Is Like a Mental Illness”).

A sanity break for her or us? I’m not sure.

Something that really sticks out is the succession of psychiatrists she saw in a brief period, who failed to treat her adequately. Number 6, “Pharma King”, tried 14 different medications in 3 months! Thankfully number 7 helped get her out of the psych ward and on the road to recovery.

In the second section of the book Therese takes us for a tour inside her brain.

“I introduce you to some of the demons that live there rent free. I share some techniques I’ve used to evict the cheap guys, and how I go about erecting all those damn boundaries in my life…so I can continue down Recovery Lane.”

The section also contains plenty of factual info, sound advice and of course Therese’s trademark wit in good measure.

If I was disappointed by anything, I was left wondering how the kids are faring now. I also wanted a chapter from husband Eric at the end. But they are small complaints!

Therese is never slow to point out her faults, making her easy to relate to and far from aloof. Her recount of tragedy and great sense of humor somehow fit hand in hand. The book’s subtitle is “Surviving Depression & Anxiety & Making the Most of Bad Genes”. As a reflection of the content and writing style it couldn’t be more apt.

I would definitely recommend “Beyond Blue”, especially if you are interested in mental health, don’t mind a bit of intensity, and enjoy a dry, witty sense of humor.

That’s my only resolution.

Do you think someone can “resolve” to be well? More so, someone with a chronic mental illness that is alive and kicking? If 2009 is my benchmark then my chances look slim.

I have good reasons to be motivated.

• Other people are better off when I’m well. My wife and kids are much happier, and very relieved. I can communicate calmly with my business partners. I get on better with my parents and friends.
• Being depressed is miserable. Hypomania is great for a while – I get a lot of mowing done – but it ends in misery too. For everyone, not just myself.
• When I’m well I’m physically healthier. I’m more sociable and people like me more.
• Being well costs less.

I receive a lot of great feedback from people using Optimism. It has genuinely helped them to achieve better health. There is a simple reason – they are being more proactive. There is nothing magical about the software. It is just a helpful tool. The secret is the attitude of the person using it. They are determined to make progress. Many people use Excel spreadsheets and journals in the same way to the same effect.

That’s my message to myself this year – be proactive. Exercise. Go to bed before midnight. Manage stress better. Drink less coffee. Drink more water. Go outside. Manage my medicines better. And the list continues on.

I’ve been tracking my moods for a long time now. I almost always know what has caused an episode of illness, and what I could have done to avoid it. Having that knowledge makes mood swings much more predictable.

There’s no guarantee that I’ll be well for a year, just because I resolve to be. But it’s not a bad resolution.

Anyone else?

I’m guessing that you’re reading this post in a feed reader, and this is one of many blogs that you subscribe to. I’m always looking for new, helpful, funny or interesting blogs to try, and I’m sure you are too. Here is a list of my favorites. Please add yours in the comments!

My Medicated Cartoon Life.
This has been my favorite blog for over 2 years, but sadly it’s slowing to a crawl. Perhaps the Bitter Animator has less to be bitter about. I hope so. I also hope he continues to share his life in new (and old) ways. In the meantime I might snap up another t-shirt!

My favorite in waiting is Dilbert. I’ve spent a good chunk of my life in a cubicle. Dilbert is a daily reminder of what I now miss.

Mental Health – Beyond Blue.
Therese Borchard is a prolific writer. I can’t keep up with the pace but I read regularly, and the posts are always fresh, original and helpful. Something to make you laugh, cry, or nod your head and say “Yes!”

Humor – Andy Borowitz.
“Obama to Iran: Abanon Nukes or We’ll Defriend You on Facebook”.
The headline alone is worth subscribing for.

Sport – A Cultured Left Foot.
I’m an Arsenal tragic. There are lots of good blogs, but this one brings intelligent insights to a fairly unintelligent game. (If you live in the U.S., Arsenal is a soccer team.)

Productivity – Empty.
There is a space in my feed reader reserved for a good productivity blog. I like MakeUseOf.com but it feels like a placeholder.

Design – Smashing Magazine.
The standard is very high. Most posts are interesting and remind me of how little I know.

Self-monitoring – The Quantified Self.
If you’re into self-monitoring then the enthusiasts are here. People are monitoring all kinds of stuff, using some amazing, inventive methods.

Please add your favorites and why they make your list. Don’t plug your own blog!

It’s widely believed that mentally ill folk make a special contribution to the creative arts. I have to say I subscribe to that view. :)

Unfortunately the number of communities online, in this particular “space”, are few and far between. More importantly there is always more room for us to help one another, break down barriers, and engage with the world.

There is a site called Divinest Sense that has just launched, which looks like it could fill a good chunk of this vacuum.

The following text is a contribution from Meg LeDuc, the founder and co-ordinator of the site. Please take the time to read it and visit the site.

“I’m creating an online journal/blog called Divinest Sense as a forum for people with mental illness to express themselves through poetry, personal essays, fiction, and graphic art. I believe this site will break down barriers, both between people with mental illness, who are often very isolated, and between people with mental illness and the larger world. In such a forum, I believe we can demonstrate the richness of our lives and our community through creativity, a force people with mental illness so often turn to in order to make sense of themselves, their illnesses, and their place in society. Furthermore, I think that, by starting this forum, I will simply have the great opportunity to showcase some beautiful and profound art. 
 
Contributions will be published on the blog associated with Divinest Sense. That will give writers and artists the immediate gratification of being able to share their work with everyone on the web. I am considering taking the best of the blog and publishing a more traditional online anthology that may come out every several months (provided I get enough contributions). My plans for this journal are still in the early phases.
 
For those of you with mental illness who have hesitated when it comes to really stepping out into the larger world, this could be the opportunity for you to be a pioneer. I understand the drive to isolate ourselves that we with mental illnesses often feel, but don’t give in. The world will only be enriched by our dynamic presences, by our unique creative voices. Live confidently. Live largely.

For more information on the project, check out Divinest Sense . A full explanation of the project is posted there. There is also information about me. Most importantly, there is also a link to the blog. Check out the first entry! It is a powerful poem by an advocate for people with mental illness who is in recovery from schizoaffective disorder-bipolar type. 
 
So please, write, paint, draw, take photographs, engage in art, and submit the results to Divinest Sense! If you have questions or would like to submit something, contact me at divinestsense.media@gmail.com
 
- Meg LeDuc”

The things you can figure out by monitoring your health!

I recently discovered that I get really bad night sweats if I drink a lot of milk before bed. By a lot of milk I mean half a liter (about a pint for the rest of you).

I don’t usually drink a pint of milk before bed, so this wasn’t easy to pick. But today I Googled it, and sure enough there is a little bit of anecdotal evidence. It’s not common, but I have company.

And apparently it’s not all milk, just pasteurized milk. So I have some more testing to do.

I’m a great believer in self-tracking, which is why I spend most of my time developing health monitoring software. Which is a nice segue to a brief advertisement. :)

Optimism 3.0 will be out very soon! But updates are free for life so don’t wait. For a short time there is also a 10% discount at the checkout. Tell your friends!

I’ve found other unusual connections. The big one is that certain foods make me depressed. Not immediately depressed, but after a 2 to 3 day delay and lasting for about a week. Preservatives and indulgent amounts of sugar are the biggest culprits. It took about 2 years to discover the link.

Another interesting one is sleep. Normal amounts of sleep will produce normal mood, other things being equal. If I have less than 5 hours a night for a week I’m not pleasant to be around. That’s also pretty normal. But there’s a sweet spot for me – 5 or 6 hours a night – that after a week will leave me fully charged and ready to go. That’s not totally uncommon, but it’s counter-intuitive and took me some time to discover.

Do you have stories to tell? It’s helpful and interesting to hear them so put them in the comments! I’ll be adding a forum to the site soon so that software users and others can also share their flaws.

The majority of visitors to this blog don’t come in the front door. They bypass all of my content and go straight to the 5% or so that my wife Anna wrote. Her content receives more than half of all traffic.

Why?

She would say my writing is lousy. I think it’s because she writes from the perspective of a caregiver. Some of her posts have struck a chord with other caregivers, of which there are an awful lot, and gone viral. Well, mini-viral.

Looking after yourself as a caregiver is a big, often unacknowledged issue. Depending on the source, somewhere between 1/5 and 1/3 of caregivers for people with chronic illnesses have mild to severe depression. I have no doubt that the range is higher for the caregivers of mentally ill folk.

There is a good set of slides on Beliefnet written by Therese Borchard, called 12 Depression Busters for Caregivers . If you are caring for someone I recommend it as an easy, humorous and very helpful read.

Here is an excerpt from “Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask”:
It always goes back to the ten-second spiel you get right before your plane takes off. “In the event of an emergency, an oxygen mask will drop from the compartment above you. Please fasten your own mask before assisting others.” Or, on Southwest airlines, they say, “Now would be a good time to choose your favorite kid.”

Click to read more of 12 Depression Busters for Caregivers.