There are many ways to insult someone with depression, without even trying very hard. The best way is to give them some unsolicited advice. Something that you think is simple, yet profound, and potentially life changing. But said in ignorance. Nothing cuts deeper to someone with depression, than when their illness, which is serious, is trivialized by another who doesn’t understand it.
Here are the some of the terrible things that people say:
“This is what life is like. Get used to it.”
“Life isn’t meant to be easy.”
“Just snap out of it!”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Who said that life is fair?”
“You just have to get on with things.”
“At least it’s not that bad.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“You have so many things. What do you have to feel down about?”
“You just need to cheer up.”
“Quit trying to be a martyr.”
“Stop taking all those medicines.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve been depressed for whole days at a time.”
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it!”
These are my favorites:
“What you need is a good kick up the backside.”
“Go out and buy yourself some clothes. That will pick you up.”
“Are you sure you don’t have a mental problem?”
“How about I cook you a good meal. That will make things better.”
“Have you tried acupuncture?”
“Get a job!”
And the all time best:
“Why don’t you try not being depressed.”
debbie bellis 9 Aug 2007 @ 5:26 am
I loved reading the ways to insult someone with depression, ive had at least 10 of these said to me xxx
Stewart Hardlypie 9 Aug 2007 @ 12:28 pm
Wanting to insult the depressed is at least a healthy reaction as is evidenced by the wedding guest in the Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner when confronted with a sailor who wants to tell him everything that went wrong since he killed an albatross exclaims, “Unhand me you loon!”
When I was hospitalized on the Depression floor of my local hospital I never felt so at home watching westerns in the evening with a group of kindred spirits whose knowledge of the movies was no less than encyclopedic…some even knew the names of the Indians who were extras in a “cast of thousands”.
ed 12 Aug 2007 @ 8:30 am
Here’s one:
“At some point don’t you just have to admit you’re better?”
ugh.
dexter mcclane 12 Aug 2007 @ 10:17 am
All you need is a gun and some time alone.
Ollie 12 Aug 2007 @ 9:48 pm
I’ve ran into this suggestion more than once…
“You must not be living right.” implying that there must be sin in my life and God would allow me to be happy if I could straighten out my life.
Abra 13 Aug 2007 @ 7:20 am
It’s amazing to me to see the things I hear all the time are said to others like me as well. It’s really sad. I wish I could say it was funny. But it’s a little too close to home anymore. People never understand what this is like. Lucky for them!
lauren 13 Aug 2007 @ 7:58 am
My mother always says things like, “Yeah, I know how you feel, but that’s nothing… [story about something "so much worse" to try and give you perspective]…”
Tori 13 Aug 2007 @ 10:01 pm
When I read this page it really struck a cord. I suffer from moderate depression and anxiety and I actually went partially bald from supressed anxiety (which I’m told is just another form of depression). As a result I see a therapist twice a month and take two seperate types of medication. That being said, I have to say I was reading these and thinking that half of these things weren’t offensive to me at all. Not only that, but *I* say these things to people sometimes.
Of course, there were the obviously rude remarks, like the kick in the backside comment, but, on the whole I start to feel narcissistic and start getting on my *own* nerves when I obsess about the things that are bothering me or when I’m just plain depressed in general and know I have no real reasonfor it beyond this annoying illness. When that happens I do everything in my power to “get over myself” and overcome it. I sincerely mean no offense and by no means am I trying to insinuate that others don’t try to overcome their depression as well, it’s just that I’m not so sure that all of these are bad suggestions, and I felt the need to add my point of view. Then again I’ve always been just a little bit “crazy.” ;o)
james 13 Aug 2007 @ 11:37 pm
I’ve only been offended once, when someone told me that bipolar disorder is due to a psychological weakness and that medicine can’t help. The thing that was most offensive was his zeal in trying to convert me to his own theories on depression (which were based on a book that he read).
Emma 16 Aug 2007 @ 12:40 pm
In response to Tori, I think that there is a big difference between applying some of those attitudes internally and hearing them from somebody else.
I know that for me “just getting on with things” can be helpful… IF I can do it. On bad days kicking my own butt might only get me as far as out of bed. The insult comes when someone suggests that I’m not trying that, just because they can’t see the results.
I think the only one that really bothers me is when people talk about their own situation being so much worse. It isn’t a competition, is it? And using someone else’s distress as an opportunity to change the topic to themselves is extremely narcissistic.
Syl 18 Aug 2007 @ 2:30 pm
awful… just awful
Diana 21 Aug 2007 @ 8:58 pm
I completely agree with Emma.
I absolutely hate it when someone will be telling a heart wrenching and painful story about something they went through and then someone else chimes in with, “Oh, I’ve been through worse.” And then proceeds to dismiss the other person to tell their own story, thinking this is helpful the whole while.
Ugh.
Here’s the worst advice someone gave me once.
“If you’re really that miserable, just off yourself”.
This, from someone I once loved. Only someone truly miserable themselves, could ever say something so cold blooded to anyone else.
Andy 22 Aug 2007 @ 4:32 pm
Yep, I’ve heard nearly all of those
from my mum, I’ve also been on
anti-depressants since around 14
ten years later. Let me put it this
way, I do have depression, but thanks
to ever wanting to please people I did
whatever they wanted no matter how
bad things got.
I have two diplomas and qualifications in
business, an outstanding achievers award
and no job, why because for all that
for all the work and all the time,
I never heard these words from the people I needed to hear them from
“do what makes you happy”
I wish I was never born
but it really is very hard to kill yourself
and I sometimes envy those who have done it.
I value life, I just don’t want mine.
Dave 23 Aug 2007 @ 6:46 pm
I think one of the most important things in dealing with a depressed friend/family member is to not be patronizing or condecending. Just because someone is depressed dosen’t mean they are unaware.
Dave 23 Aug 2007 @ 6:53 pm
Hey Andy…
I spent most of my adult life living for the expectations of other people. I framed my worth around whether or not others would be pleased with my efforts. Thats’ no way to be Bro’, and it took months of the ‘right’ meds for me to get up the “cajones” to decide that “enough is enough”! I went out & got tattoos, bought myself some things I wanted, did some stuff for ME; and you know what I got?…MORE RESPECT! Don’t trivialize yourself by saying you don’t want your life…right now you don’t have your own life. It sounds like you’ve accomplished a great deal….reward yourself Brother!
MJ 26 Aug 2007 @ 9:20 am
An old boss who took me aside: “You just need to wake up in the morning and decide, ‘I’m going to be happy today!’”
After discussing how bad my depression was with a friend, when I mentioned that my house was a disaster and I just couldn’t make myself clean it, she said, “And you don’t even work – you have NO excuse not to have a clean house!”
dawson 27 Aug 2007 @ 11:54 am
While I am spiritual and, by weak faith, a Christian, one of the worst things for me to heat someone say is “Just pray” or quote the bible out of context, e.g. “God gives those He loves peace”. God is not so glib. The ‘Man of sorrows’ was “aquainted with grief”. Psalm 88 I tell them, read Ps 88 and get back to me….
losmilzo 28 Aug 2007 @ 3:47 am
You know, i heard all of this “insults” when i was depressed and they did work. the one that worked the magic was the “snap out of it” I thought then “why not?” of course it wasn’t easy and quick but i tried to change the way i think , the way i do things. They may seem insults but at the bottom of some of them there’s some truth. Start doing things that make you happy, pretend not to be depressed for at least 5 minutes, trick your brain and have faith in wathever is important for you. You are the center of your universe.
Ben Howes 28 Aug 2007 @ 5:26 am
“Try not being depressed?”
get a reality check you delusional loony.
You ever been depressed?
not just sad, you pansy.
you have no idea what depression is.
Life has some excellent things to it.
but overall it’s a pointless venture where everyone tries to rape and kill as much as they can..
lay off the meds.
take a walk through some homeless shelters.
optimist’s need to open their eyes.
the world isn’t full of sunshine farts.
Paul 28 Aug 2007 @ 5:52 am
Yes it all sounds so familiar… I was in a deep clinical depression for around a year and heard this kind of stuff from all corners, worst of all from my employer who thought I was nuts and some sort of threat to the kids at school! Hell he was lucky I was in the few weeks I managed to get into school and pretend to teach. I only did it out of duty. People seem to think that the depressed (I hate that term – sorry) are mad, bad or both. Depression happens when a deeply held belief about oneself or one’s life is shown to be incorrect in a deeply negative way, so the mind builds an isolative ‘prison’ to protect us from these inconsistencies that are bombarding us – the trouble is our subconcious then takes these inconsistencies and tortures us… I know this may not be everyones view of being depressed, but I know many who felt like this, and I’m writing it for the sake of those who feel like this and think they are alone – you are not the only one.
I guess the real battle is one of reasoning – but it’s an internal process working out that you are not bad, unworthy, evil and worthless or whatever evidence your mind is feeding you with. It is possible to get out of it – please believe me when I say this. You just have to be open minded with the thoughts that constantly pop into your head and give the ‘good’ ones equal space too. Allow the same analysis that you’ve done a million times in your head to prove you are worthless work on those other thoughts. You’ll often find that the ‘good’ thoughts still lead to the conclusion that your shit – but for some, such as me, just one came to a more positive conclusion and a crack appeared in my isolative prison wall. Once the crack appears please don’t turn your back on it – try to entertain the idea that you can get out of this prison and work towards it. Don’t know how antidepressants get you thorough things – they turned me into a lethargic zombie; took my first dose then embarked on a 150 mile journey – they kicked in whilst I was on the motorway, not good. I’m of course not advocating people throwing away medication prescribed – you should always take then if prescribed, but before you go on them, realise that a pill will not correct the false impressions in your mind and get you in touch with the reality beyond those impressions. Ask, no insist on a referral for Coqnitive Behavioural Therapy, or buy a book on the subject and do it yourself. For most people the prison will not come down until you reason that all the negatives you currently know to be true are false, or at least could be false.
I send my love to everyone out there who is feeling this way, knowing that I cannot do anything for you really to ease this torment, and this is my poor attempt at assitance, such as it is, but I will end in saying that you can beat it – I did and I’m friends with others that have; support networks are out there – be brave and use them, I’ve yet to meet someone who didn’t benefit from them.
gc 29 Aug 2007 @ 5:37 pm
the problem with depression, is no one can see the wheel chair or the crutches. If they could, they’d likely be more careful about what they say.
G
David 2 Sep 2007 @ 3:36 am
Gc got it right. I find a lot of the time people with depression want to be understood about as little as people tend to understand them anyway.
So many people use the shield of “You Wouldn’t Understand Anyway” and “It’s a Disease” and then have the nerve to blame the actions of others. I don’t know about you, but if I had, say, cancer, I wouldn’t find someone telling me to “harden up” insulting in the least; I’d just find it retarded.
Don’t get up in arms over it. Explain, calmly, as much as you can. If someone doesn’t, and by definition can’t understand what you are going through, you can’t blame them for that. What might help, is just flat out saying “Hey, it really hurts me that you say something like that. Don’t think I don’t try.”
While it’s mercifully avoided me, enough people in my immediate family and close friends of mine have suffered from major depression that I am still quite familiar with it, enough to be able to know that if someone _can’t_ understand something that works in the same way that you _can’t_ snap out of it. So chill out.
lulu 5 Sep 2007 @ 8:17 pm
My favourite has always been: “L. thinks she’s going to live forever and has time to be depressed.”
Yeah, that really helped a lot. That was more than 25 years ago and I still remember it. Especially now when I look back on those years and wonder why I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the migraines, depression and fibromyalgia to marry, raise a family and have a career.
Professors and employers used to tell me I had potential. Clearly I’ve misplaced it.
fawnalisa 6 Sep 2007 @ 2:03 pm
The worst come back in the mists of depression, is “YOU LET THEM”. It magnifies the guilt weighing down the regret of that momment that has me marinating in the memories I regret the most.
Yeah boo hoo, but its true. You reach out to what you hope are trusted ears and you get, well “YOU LET THEM”. Creates a deeper ache.
bob 7 Sep 2007 @ 6:34 am
I’ve gone through deep depressions several times in my life. After the first time I realized some things that I considered profound…
1) In a suicidal depression, when you’re right on the verge… you can kill yourself. A simple action, and you can have total, undeniable control over absolutely every aspect of your life. Understanding this truth at such a personal level for me was profound. If I could control that with my choices; I could take back control over anything, even with simple actions.
2) Although depression can be hell to go through; it can actually be an opportunity. When you go through a depression something very real is happening to you. Your brain actually shrinks; you lose connections. Emerging out of a depression, you have the ability to reshape your brain in a way that someone that has not gone through a depression can’t… by rebuilding those connections in new ways. It’s hard work, but you have an ability to change yourself like no one else can through arriving at deeper understandings. Go with it. Let yourself be depressed if you need to (but don’t force it), understand and become a better person.
John 7 Sep 2007 @ 8:06 am
My father said a variety of these things to me with enough frequency to seriously damage our relationship. My father is no longer my friend, and we are both much happier of we do not speak to each other. I’ll guarantee that, now!
I give as good as I get and I don’t hesitate a second to tell the bully what a coward he has continually proven himself to be.
Mary 7 Sep 2007 @ 1:38 pm
Some of the best things on this comment page were written by Paul. He says:
“It is possible to get out of it – please believe me when I say this. You just have to be open minded with the thoughts that constantly pop into your head and give the ‘good’ ones equal space too. Allow the same analysis that you’ve done a million times in your head to prove you are worthless work on those other thoughts. You’ll often find that the ‘good’ thoughts still lead to the conclusion that your shit – but for some, such as me…..”
Torture is a good word to describe what we do to ourselves. Sometimes, let’s face it, a lot of times, we let ourselves get totally consumed by our depression.
As for all those things you don’t want to say to a depressed person, I agree with the majority of them except the one about pulling yourself together. Having someone who cares about you suggest that you need to pull yourself together, if presented in the right way, can be very helpful. Especially if they can give you something else to focus on besides your own grief. Sometimes, it CAN work!
Julie 9 Sep 2007 @ 5:30 pm
I’ve been told “I can’t help you” from a family member, and ignored! That’s even more insulting than words!
SandyVC 13 Sep 2007 @ 10:28 am
These statements are direct quotes from my family; which, despite the massive public campaigns to educate people on the subject, still thinks I do this on purpose to get attention. I have not even talked about my challenges in at least 30 years, yet they still think I am about to launch into some tale of woes. The first indication that I had issues came when I was 18 months old. My parents were told repeatedly over the years to get me help. My mother, a born-again-Christian said if I were truly born-again I would be fine. When she was angry she told me I was demon possessed. Now, at 59, they tell my 25 year old son that I am not ill and that he should get away from me. “We will take you in.” He can barely tolerate being in the same city with them. He also suffers from Depression and Anxiety but not from Borderline Personality Disorder and phobias as I do. He has watched me struggle and overcome much. He is supportiing me in the Post Traumatic Stress I suffer from a very long run of losing homes and jobs. Without medications, day-by-day effort and the practice of mindfulness I would not be alive despite the support of my friends. I have spent 40 plus years working to be whole and healthy and made a great deal of progress, yet I know I can never be without medication. My family seems to waffle back and forth between blaming me and blaming the meds. My only contact with my family is out of compassion for them and it is rare. My son thinks I should just walk away. As a Buddhist, I know that it is the negativity and lack of support that drove me to learn what I have and become what I am. I understand that the nasty, ignorant, and downright stupid things people say to me come from a place of fear and helplessness. After all, “If you have a brain you can have a mental illness.” (Unknown)
Still…I can only take so much and I have to flee and recover. The subconscious and the parasitical toxic emotions do grab hold of this stuff to torture us with. It is a full time job just to shut off the ruminations. It took me most of my adult life, to date, to accept that I am physically ill and cannot pull myself up by my boot straps. I wish I had not spent so much time out of it because I did not want to use the drugs, which for so long was the goal of psychotherapy. No, it appears, the goal is to plug you full of drugs and send you back into the fray that triggers the whole mess again.
AntiqueSandy
Holli 17 Sep 2007 @ 12:05 am
I’ve had people tell me to “up my dosage” ask if my medication was “working” or if I had been taking it. The saddest part, I’ve heard everyone of those at least twice! I want to give a copy of this to everyone of my co-workers!!!!
Doris 17 Sep 2007 @ 10:57 pm
I think people who say these things are at a loss of knowing what to say. They may have never personally experienced depression and don’t understand how horrendous it can be. I went through depression and although I had a family who loved and supported me, I had to work really hard with God’s help to change the way my mind was telling me to feel and act. I relied on God’s word and stayed in close communication with Him. I had to stay away from negative people and what they would say negative. Also, anything that brought me down such as the news on tv. I don’t think anyone can say they truly understand what you’re going through in a time of depression, unless they’ve gone through it themself. Sometimes someone’s hand on my shoulder was enough to strengthen me even though they may not have realized it. Thank God I am no longer depressed and never want to go back with God’s help. I pray for each one knowing they can make it through this hard time!
Jeff 18 Sep 2007 @ 7:13 am
I can’t believe how tired I am of hearing: “Just do this–just do that,” as if all of life’s problems can be solved for a depressed person at the whimsical snap of the fingers. It drives me nuts.
It isn’t unwise to understand the source of depression, either. In our society, we constantly strive to press natural beings into an artificial existence. As a rule, we are required to destroy our environment, pollute our air and waters, and take away the resources from future generations. Not only that, but in our modern world, we are so busy trying to live up to ideals–fabricated concepts by which we define ourselves–and to try to earn money that we deify, that we don’t know our true selves any longer. Depression actually vanishes for me when living in nature–I’m not talking about a mere hike in the park, but actually existing in the way we are supposed to as natural beings. In society, however, I’m bipolar. When is everyone going to wake-up and see that this system just simply doesn’t work on so many levels?
Errant Thoughts » Blog Archive » Mental Illness Myths 26 Sep 2007 @ 6:01 am
[...] to add: A fantastic page I stumbled on, Ways to Insult Someone with Depression—all those things NOT to say to someone who’s [...]
Josie 3 Oct 2007 @ 4:46 pm
I’ve always broken depression into two camps: Causal (or Situational) and Chemical (or Clinical).
With Causal depression, you are depressed for a reason, and you can get over it. With a great deal of work and effort and faith and patience, you can get over it. “Just snap out of it” tends to work for Causal depression. Not quickly, of course, but I’ve seen a few posts here, such as Paul’s, who enumerate a cause for depression and suggest things to alleviate it. I am glad that your depression can abate, that you can heal and be whole again. I truly am. But that is not every depressant’s situation, as you say. I know and am glad that you acknowledge that not everyone perceives depression the way you do, because it’s very very true.
With Clinical depression, you are depressed for absolutely no reason at all. Nothing is wrong, no one has run over your dog or altered your perception of yourself. Your brain simply is not and will not create or is not and will not receive enough of the chemicals it needs to maintain a healthy state of mind. It’s source physical, not situational, and this is when medication is often not only helpful, but vital. Separating emotional sources from the physical brain structure is a fine line and a very difficult one to diagnose and treat. This is where “just snap out of it” falls flat on its face and becomes hurtful.
A friend of mine likened Causal depression to a radio station. Imagine that there is a little DJ sitting in your head playing records. The records all have titles like “You’re A Loser” and “There’s No Reason to Smile” and “Why Bother?” and so on. I imagine we’ve all heard these songs. Depression’s Greatest Hits.
She suggests that when you hear these songs you should fire the DJ. He’s poison in your brain. Instead, try “You Can Do It!” and “Up And At ‘Em, Tiger!” and “I Believe In You!” – these are all good songs to switch to. Positive reinforcement, essentially. And for some people, they work wonders.
For the Clinically depressed, however, they can make matters worse. Because you feel guilty when the songs don’t work. Ugh. Rainbows and butterflies and inspirational platitudes can really make you want to toss the furniture around the room if they don’t help. Which is why a carer really needs to understand the source of a particular person’s situation. We’re all so vastly different.
Having suffered from both Causal and Clinical depression, I’ve learned to tell one from the other. I can feel the difference. I know when I’m sad because my brain is just not working right, and when I’m sad because my goldfish or grandmother or cactus died.
There’s also the question of Clinical depression occasionally being the source of Causal depression. “My brain chemistry has made me depressed. That fact makes me even sadder.” Ooh, that’s a nasty one. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. In a situation like that, firing the DJ can really help, at least with half of the problem, so you can pull yourself together enough to deal with the other half.
On a side note (pun intended), while we’re speaking of DJs, I’ve found that listening to music is a powerfully helpful coping technique for me. I’ve got a friend who is both a musician and a biochemist. He is actually studying the way that music (and other sounds, of course) actually change the structure of the brain itself. Heavy Metal or soft ballads? Rap or gentle harp music? Trumpet or flute? A crying baby or a purring cat? A crack of lightning or the gentle patter of raindrops on the grass? Voice of a loved one or the voice of your boss(or other stressor)? Fascinating work, he’s doing.
Ishkabibble 3 Oct 2007 @ 10:09 pm
How about: “Smile and you’ll feel better”
Bootstraps anyone?
DiAnna 8 Oct 2007 @ 2:38 pm
How about this one? “It’s a matter of MIND OVER MATTER: If you DON’T MIND, it DON’T MATTER!”
I heard that over and over when I went thru my period of post-partum depression, my second real clinical depression.
I’ve heard most of the things at the top, so many times. Especially from my mother, who also suffers from depression.
Josie 9 Oct 2007 @ 5:22 pm
“I can’t pick myself up by my bootstraps. I have no bootstraps, my shoes are worn down to the SOUL.”
ottosz 11 Oct 2007 @ 12:43 pm
Josie, your DJ analogy is fantastic!
“Depression’s Greatest Hits”, lol… now that made me smile.
tochol 16 Oct 2007 @ 12:45 pm
Thanks so much for this post.
I’d also like to add one of the things told me by a fine, loving, devout sister, after 30 years of dealing with chronic depression.
“Are you sure there isn’t some unconfessed sin in your life that’s causing this separation from God’s love.”
Yikes!! Talk about hurt. Now I’m sinful, banned from God’s love and a jerk for letting it go on so long! Sigh… She did mean well, but “ouch.”
meilat 9 Nov 2007 @ 6:15 pm
i have read all of your insights on this.. and i am astonshied.
in my opinion, depression can only beovercome if we ourselves can reach outfor the support we are getting and pull through. i have gotten most of the comments made above and it kills me to know that there are people making such careless comments on such significant issues. the insluts can be taken very differently between diferent individuals. so i guess its how an individual interprets among the information received.
my mom doesnt understand my depression at all. she thinks im just lazy .. but i keep trying to tell her that its a real problem and im trying my best to get out of the situation as mush as i can. but i cant change her mind.
what intrigued me the most is that my close friends and family think that im crazy or of that sort….
anyways im seeking treatment . isnt that good enough of an improvement for them to see that im trying my best.
Paul i was intrigued by what you wrote …. thats exactly how i feel
Kylie 10 Nov 2007 @ 12:51 am
While I have been through depression also and have friends who have been through worse, sometimes people say those things to us to genuinely try and help. When you see someone who keeps coming to work depressed and you want to help them, what can you say?
Sududtoday 22 Nov 2007 @ 12:59 pm
Even when you know the person saying it is trying to be helpful, it still hurts. It’s like saying you’re the way you are because you didn’t do a, b, c, d…. Does anyone need that? Especially when you’re already down? Especially when you already know that there are no situations that is making you feel the way you do? BTW, medications are not supposed to make you a zombie but to create a chemical balance that was missing in your brain.
cassie 24 Nov 2007 @ 2:53 pm
the one i hear all the time is snap out of it does that help me know because if i could snap out if dont you think i would. they think they understand what your going trough when they dont and they think by saying snap out of it everytings going to be fine well its alot easier said than done.
bignose 24 Nov 2007 @ 5:49 pm
Thanks for the list of things *not* to say.
However, this doesn’t really move us toward better behaviour; there are countless more “worst things to say” that could be listed.
How about a list of things that *should* be said in this situation?
james 24 Nov 2007 @ 8:02 pm
Here is the one that you’re after. I hope it helps.
http://www.findingoptimism.com/healthy-mind/ways-to-build-up-someone-with-depression/
Ruth 26 Nov 2007 @ 3:33 pm
Just thought I’d add…as a person who currently can’t afford the therapy or the medication…who is married to someone else who can’t afford the therapy or the medication…
Once, my husband was told…by a mental health professional(!) that his panic disorder and obsessiveness was something common among housewives. Never mind what this says about homemakers, never mind what this says about his mental state at the time…how could any professional be so immasculating, and egotistical, so rude and unfeeling to say something like this!?
What is our recourse when we have to try, try and try again for the “right fit” both med and therapy in this world. PLEASE VOTE WISELY!
Almeda 1 Jan 2008 @ 11:17 pm
As a depressive of more than 10 years, my favorite has to be (from my parents, both of whom have unsuccessfully battled depression my whole life while insisting that’s not what’s going on):
“If you’d just stop thinking like a victim, you’d get over this. You control your life! Act like it!”
zoem 7 Feb 2008 @ 5:59 am
I agree that some parts of depression can be dealt with, using CBT or other therapy… but that doesn’t make it trivial…
I have been diagnosed as bipolar for about 4 years, and as depressive for 10 years over that – and I have heard all of these over time. I am fortunate that my family and closest loved ones are informed, and have been very supportive… Though my mom has on a few occasions said, “Well, at least you’re not schizophrenic” which has to be the most bizarre.
But there’s little I can do to avoid these from friends, or even my employer.
My boss said to me, “Sounds like a personal problem. Deal with it.”
I guess people don’t realize how debilitating it can be to not be able to sleep, to sleep all day, to be constantly sick from changing medications.. and that’s not even to touch on the true emotional and mental impact.
Years ago I didn’t think of myself as ill. I probably believed many of these things myself. I have come to the point where I know that I *am* sick. It’s not a personal failure. And I hope that I’ll get better.
Steph 14 Feb 2008 @ 10:49 pm
One sad day I broke down to my doctor and my therapist as I could not cope with “it” alone anymore, since then I have felt labelled as vulnerable and weak. ALL my so called friends have no time for me, they probably find my failures amusing. My family refuses to believe the severity of my condition. I have aquired the taste for alcohol and cigarettes. A new insult; “at least you have your health!” Are thoughts of suicide healthy?
Jackal 27 Feb 2008 @ 5:07 pm
sigh
G 18 Mar 2008 @ 8:44 am
“You know, life’s like the weather: sometimes it rains, then the sun comes out.”
What a great advice – always sounds to me like ‘Forest Gump’. As is the case with most of these retarded sayings. Which says way more about the people throwing that crap at you than about yourself.
Yet, worst for me has been that most of the people who seem to have taken several classes on “Ways to insult a person with depression” really want to encourage you, but have not developed any kind of empathy or at least rhetorical abilities to make that happen. Hard for me to see how one can walk through life without getting a sense of at least treating a person decently – as a person.
etta 22 Mar 2008 @ 7:05 am
Excellent post and replies. This is something I have constantly run into during my seven years of depression and have constantly worked to educate people about. The problem with depression is that it is not only an illness, but it is also a feeling. Therefore, everyone around us thinks they understand what we are going through even though they don’t have a clue!
I wrote a similar post in January after an experience I had in a support group for recovering alcoholics. http://depressionmarathon.blogspot.com/2008/01/looney-tunes.html
Thanks for the great conversation!
C. 26 Mar 2008 @ 4:12 pm
It’s always fun to ask the people who say these kinds of things how well it works when they tell a quadriplegic to quit being so lazy and get up and do something: “No? You mean your advice isn’t actually helpful for people suffering from major illnesses?” (Bat eyelashes in puzzlement.)
Carol Ann 27 Mar 2008 @ 3:01 am
Wow…talk about fate (or circumstance) and finding, in a COMPLETELY round-about way, just what you needed to hear. As has been already spoken by others, I wish I could print this out and post it on the employee bulletin board in my office (then somehow FORCE every employee to read ALL the comments, which are stunningly veracious and obviously written by many of us who are not only educated, but unfortunately, suffer this disease.
I feel that in most cases, also aforementioned, these comments are born of ignorance and not cruelty. Not to state that most people are basically ignorant (though, I admit having said that a time or 202), but uneducated on major clinical depression. Sadly, the majority of them not only are uneducated, but do not care to BE educated, instead, they go about spouting these inane comments about something that I believe, NO ONE can truly understand unless they have experienced it. A bigger person would admit that.
I have found that what helps me the most is not what my loved ones SAY, but what they don’t say, that is, that they are willing to LISTEN and have no compulsion to retort with “helpful” advice such as is listed here. They are able to do this and to KNOW it’s what I need, because they CARED enough to educated themselves. In doing so, they also know when I just want them there but do not feel like talking or conversation and, perhaps most importantly of all, understand when I just want to be left alone and do so without drama or childishness that I certainly do not need to add to my already overflowing plate at this time.
That being said, the MOST hurtful words spoken to me during my treatment-resistant depression were the ones I never heard from so-called friends who suddenly became too busy with an unending list of excuses why they could not find the two minutes it takes to send an e-mail or a text message and just say “Hey! I’m thinking of you and I just wanted you to know that I am and that I love you.”
I could have received ten of those supportive messages in the time it took them to type out 14 excuses why I had heard NOTHING from them.
Number 51. That hurt.
R.S.S. 29 Mar 2008 @ 11:26 am
HERE IS A GOOD ONE…”DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH A CRAZY F…… BITCH EVERYDAY?!” OR “WHY CANT IT JUST BE OK?” “YOU NEED TO JUST GET OVER IT” THOSE ARE THE FEW FAVORITES THAT IVE HEARD UPON ADDRESSING MY SEVERE DEPRESSION TO THE ONE I LOVE.
Amy 8 Apr 2008 @ 2:46 pm
I have read nearly every reply and find myself as the author of each. My husband, a nurse, told me that he understands my disease, but that it’s very difficult to live with someone who brings him down all the time and that our life is perfect and why can’t I see the beauty of life instead of being so angry all the time…doesn’t sound like he understands it to me.
Nothing could make me feel worse than having someone tell me that my disease brings them down, but at least he can get away from me. I can’t.
Medications help. It has nothing to do with circumstances in my life and I cry even on the most beautiful days God created. I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Iain 14 Apr 2008 @ 4:25 am
“After everything we have sacrificed for you.” I was a Pound Pup until I no longer made “My Carers.” look good. Yet suffered the burden of want. A child. Constantly sacrificed emotionally. Each step forward a trap lay in wait. Anyone would find themselves lost. Sick, sad at the sound of peoples laughter. What’s funny anymore? What is left to give or receive. When the guts have been ripped out. Adopted at five days old now dismissed at 54. Depression can be a symptom of abuse & threats, directed to serve only empty predators to amuse.
Kari 14 Apr 2008 @ 9:01 am
“You need to get your act together! You’ve let your life go as far as it needs to go. You better spend the day thinking about your life. I’m upset with you, but I’m worried about you.” Then she told me she had things to do and hung up on me.This comes from a woman who can’t bother to talk to me, unless I unplug my phone for a few days, then she wants to bring the cops and break down my door.
I can go for weeks without talking to anyone, until they want to talk to me, then it’s an emergency and threats ensue. Whatever.
Hi 16 May 2008 @ 1:00 pm
Thank you for this.
john 20 May 2008 @ 12:20 pm
“I Dream of Death”
What is death? Is it a wasteland of eternal torment and carnage or is it a place of never ending bliss and enlightenment. What is death? Is it the end of all time or is it the beginning of a new saga? What is death? Does it reside in the realm of mortals or does it pay homage to fallen angels?
I dream of death on a constant basis. I imagine it’s calm, seducing worlds of never ending white as the cleanest of all places. It’s not a land plagued by disease, deceit, or destruction. It is a place where all creatures are created equal, where all men and women are free of all obligations, and where all imagination ceases to exist.
I dream of death because it knows not of political correctness. No one cares when your skin is non existent. I dream of this fantastic world free of mans most basic necessities – shelter, food, and the need to procreate. This place doesn’t put limits on who it accepts. All wouldbe adventurers are welcome with open arms… whether you’re a house burglar that was shot upon breaking and entering or a policemen shot in the line of fire, death welcomes you with open arms and no bias of any kind. Whether you were Hitler in WWII or an advocate for racial peace in the sixties, death cares not.
It doesn’t discriminate against the elderly or the weak and disabled. It makes no difference to death what religion you once believed in. It matters not that all creatures of this universe are guilty of sin in one form or another. None of this has any bearing on gaining entry to the wonderful, complacent, and utterly quiet existence that is death.
Man has always stated that it is wrong to end the gift that is life by ones own accord. Why is this wrong? Is is truly wrong? Does death care? Does the inventor of life truly care? Did the creator of all life in fact create death? If so, why make it impossible to say goodbye to life if one is disgusted with the world around him? Who makes these rules? Surely, death has it’s own set of rules. Surely, they aren’t always obeyed. Who is going to punish those who don’t obey these rules?
Life for most starts out as a wonderful experience strife with new possibilities and endless combinations. Anything is possible… the imagination being the only limiter in this equation. All of this is truly beautiful until you factor in the innumerable negative factors that man has created for himself over the course of time.
Considering that life only brings in a fraction of joy compared to the overwhelming negative heartaches of everyday life as it’s been since mans inception, it’s a true miracle that someone hasn’t ended our existence with the push of a button in recent decades.
I dream of death
james 20 May 2008 @ 5:22 pm
John,
Thanks for making such an effort with this post. As a Christian I’ll put my hand up and say that I disagree with almost everything that you’ve said : ), but it’s helpful on a site like this to have a cross-section of views and room for discussion.
Cheers.
Isa 16 Jun 2008 @ 3:38 am
James,
Self-righteous much?
james 16 Jun 2008 @ 3:42 am
Isa, you’ll need to clarify for me. James.
Merri Ellen 18 Jun 2008 @ 1:41 pm
The worst is when you say those things to yourself. That’s when hope has left.
So, for me I had to surround myself with people who saw hope for my future and leave those who didn’t give me hope.
Merri Ellen 21 Jun 2008 @ 11:05 am
James,
I think you may have come across, in your comment to John above, as “there, there – good for you – nice effort – but I know better.”
But, I think and hope you rather want to listen, as Jesus himself did, to those who expressed pain and frustration and then guided them to hope rather than condemning them. After all, it was the religious priests of the day who condemned – not Jesus. Simply reading his story again will make this obvious.
James, I don’t think that was your initial intent – especially with this blog – you are hoping to bring hope to those who are seeking it. You yourself have raised your hand to show others you are not perfect just by telling your story.
I trust and hope your visitors will forgive you for your unintended comment.
james 21 Jun 2008 @ 9:21 pm
Merri Ellen, thanks for bringing this to my intention. You are right in saying that I have come across poorly. That was certainly not my intention and I apologize to John and other readers. I was trying to express my gratitude to John for obviously putting a lot of time into writing the “comment”, while making the point that as a Christian I believe in God’s mercifulness. Jesus is full of empathy and compassion and I am trying to reflect this in my writing. Obviously, I need to work on it more, and this is a good case in point.
Judi Marie 22 Jun 2008 @ 8:54 am
I’m 29 years old, and I’ve suffered from depression since I was about 5 years old, I believe. My family hit me with almost every one of the “insults” on the list at some point or another. But my personal favorite was the one that essentially prevented me from getting the help that I needed until I was 23 years old. It was: “Pray.” *sigh*
I’m a devout Catholic, and I would be wrong if I didn’t admit that my faith in God is probably the only thing that kept alive until I finally saw a doctor. But to tell a depressed person to “pray,” “just trust God for healing,” or “stop blocking God from sending healing by not thinking positive and seeing yourself well” while ignoring that God’s answer could be in the therapist down the street is not only insulting, it’s depressing.
Thanks for this. Your blog is amazing.
Merri Ellen 24 Jun 2008 @ 12:02 am
Thanks James – Thanks for your apology and for being real.
blanche 19 Jul 2008 @ 6:20 pm
Amen
Lynne 26 Jul 2008 @ 7:20 am
Hello to all fellow travelers
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It helps knowing we are not alone in our struggle. I’m convinced I acquired my depression through a defective gene that my father and his sister also have. I am so grateful that we now have many choices of helpful medication. Therapy helped me a lot and I eventually grew the courage to make a series of major life changes to solve my situational depression. I am very happy but vulnerable to the fear of tumbling into the abyss. And no one knows that besides me and my doctor. No one else understands because depression is so taboo. The platitudes are hurtful and the repercussions of disclosure so damaging I choose never to talk about this chronic condition I have and successfully live with. Warm caring thoughts to all of you and wishing you strength to carry on and realize some of your dreams.
Kay 6 Aug 2008 @ 7:36 pm
There was a billboard I used to pass all the time….20% of Canadians suffer from depession…the other 80% suffer from ignorance…
Rebecca 7 Aug 2008 @ 10:51 pm
My favorite? “Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.”
Kala 8 Aug 2008 @ 3:01 pm
“Are you sure you don’t have a mental problem?”
Isn’t this the whole point that you’re trying to make? That it’s a psychological problem and not just the blues?
I do think Depression is used as an excuse by a lot of people.
Bleh 12 Aug 2008 @ 8:37 pm
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
Ugh, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard that one. Nice post!
And Kala, it’s very obvious that someone with depression is suffering from a mental problem. That’s the whole irony of the line, “Are you sure you don’t have a mental problem?” It’s like the person who doesn’t understand depression doesn’t realize that it’s a genuine problem that needs to be treated by a professional. It’s also sad to me that you seem to be one of “those people” who has no idea what depression is like, just based off the fact that you think people use it as an excuse. You obviously have no idea how crippling depression can be in some cases. I’m sure there are some people who don’t suffer from it who use it as an excuse to be lazy, but anyone who really does suffer from it has to cope with how emotionally and physically draining it can be.
Derlin 18 Aug 2008 @ 3:00 am
I get really tired of people treating sadness like it’s a disease caused by chemical imbalances, when it’s usually just an indication that your life isn’t going well.
patrick 19 Aug 2008 @ 7:42 am
You know what sucks about dealing with depression?
Dealing with friend/ co-worker/ family member who is depressed, because no matter what you say to them, you lose, even simple deconstructed advice like, “right now, it’s okay”. At that point all they are doing is robbing energy because your advice is either repeatedly micro-analyzed to the point of paranoia, or it is dismissed all together. After 5-6 scenarios and encounters of this nature they become destructively repetitive to this person and I feel like I am just an anchoring point for this to manifest itself.
I have been depressed, it’s a wild cycle that is unpredictable, and the cycle becomes Pavlovian, external stimulus will manifest this result.
Why?
Because you are essentially conditioning yourself to feel this way, that’s right, you’re hypnotizing yourself.
What is the source of this pain?
It doesn’t matter.
I agree with much of the research involving physical activity and most depression. The mind certainly fights the body, but people with depression rarely use the body aerobically to fight the mind, consider it your metabolic equivalent of fast forward.
At this point when I person tells me they are depressed I ask them to go for a long walk, it ALWAYS works.
YogaforCynics 23 Aug 2008 @ 4:34 pm
This list is beautiful- in a completely awful way–or maybe completely awful in a beautiful way….I’ve heard many of these from other people, but tend to say all of them to myself….
Liz 30 Aug 2008 @ 2:25 am
My former boss used to say “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.” I also had a nervous breakdown partly caused by a temporary campaign job he forced me to take. I’ve since wised up, but I’ve never gotten over his words.
Anonymous 5 Sep 2008 @ 5:41 pm
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it!”
How is this an insult? Someone wants you to get help. At the end of the day, no one can help your depression if you don’t take steps. That line there is simply asking you to take the first step because at the end of the day, no one can help you if you will not be helped. If you don’t like the way you feel, get some fucking help and work to change it.
I think this list was compiled by someone too wrapped up in his own universe to see what someone is saying. Sure, some of the above is insulting but a lot of it shouldn’t be and wouldn’t be if you weren’t so goddamned sensitive.
Carl-Eric Dupuis 22 Sep 2008 @ 5:53 pm
“Just think about something else, you’ll be better in no time.”
The only thing i want to answer cant be said in pretty much any forum.
phil 30 Oct 2008 @ 3:59 pm
These insults are saddening. My heart goes out to everyone who has suffered the ignorance of the people who said these things. They don’t mean to insult, they’re frustrated and don’t understand the illness. I was one of them once. I have major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder.
The family and friends, that I speak with, are very supportive. I exercise my choices wisely. How people behave, what they say, determines whether I think its healthy for me to be in their presence. So far I’ve only ever had naive, ignorant comments from doctors, who I had no choice but to speak with (not my GP, thankfully).
e.g. “You have to fight for your life”
(If I had stopped fighting for my life, I wouldn’t hear that now, would I?)
Obviously, it’s not just me who has bad days, doctors have them too!
What I would like to ask people who trivialise depression (I used to be one of them):
Can you “snap out of” insufficient oxygen? No.
So how can you “snap out of” depression = insufficient serotonin?
(serotonin is the mood altering chemical we have to make ourselves from protein)
When depression is viewed as a lack of a specific chemical in the brain, the insults/suggestions people give you, just demonstrate a lack of understanding.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, you’re feeling sorry for yourself.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, go for a long walk.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, just change the way you feel.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, what you need is a good kick up the backside.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, get a job.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, are you sure there isn’t some unconfessed sin in your life that’s causing this separation from God’s love?
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, lay off those selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.
Maybe we shouldn’t even say we have “depression”, maybe we have to make a distinction e.g. “I have Insufficient Serotonin”. People say very casually, “I’m depressed” when they really mean they feel disappointed/sad/bored/worried. They are not saying they have chronically low serotonin levels.
I might give some credit to the “insult” about “cooking me a good meal”, it wouldn’t make me necessarily feel better but I believe that good nutrition combined with changes in thinking are ways to better health. I also believe that it’s up to the individual whether they choose to use medication and/or holistic methods to treat their illness.
I thought the comments were great, here’s a few:
very interesting Paul @ 22 about depression being due to inconsistencies in our thinking. (if I have summarised that right) This rings true with me, loudly.
Bob @ 27 about depression being an opportunity are inspiring. I like his two profound ideas. 1) we’re in control, even at our lowest and 2) we get a new brain!
Amy @59 that’s so sad. I empathise with you. I’ve been like your husband and now I’m like you. I’ve been both sides of the coin.
John @ 63 very creative work, that took some effort and was beautiful in its “execution”, just like life in my opinion. But the catch 22 is we can’t create masterpieces like yours to share with others if we’re dead. I think I got your irony. Genius.
James, thanks for your post.
lucy moore 6 Nov 2008 @ 8:22 pm
One time a friend called me and said, “how’re ya doin’? and I said, “to be honest, not good…I feel like I want to kill myself ” (not in a joking way). He said, “oh, so other than that, how are ya?”
F 8 Nov 2008 @ 2:10 am
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder this September.
I agree with so many of the posts here.
My mother refused to believe that I have a problem,she said the reason I’m like this is because ” I’m not close to God.”
(On the other hand, my dad called me “broken trash” and didn’t want to be seen in the clinic,though he did go with me.Reason:Bad for his rep if someone saw such an accomplished surgeon in ’such a place.’ I suppose I understand. *shrugs*)
I think God should be added to the list of well-intended insults.
Meg 8 Nov 2008 @ 5:59 am
“Just get over it” – this came from my boyfriend in response of one of my depressive episodes. Some boyfriend, huh? And worst of all, he should know better; he’s has been the sole confidant to his sister who has been dealing with severe bi-polar disorder for over 8 years now.
Erin 16 Nov 2008 @ 6:35 pm
My father passed away a few weeks ago and it’s been hard. My mother-in-law came to visit from out-of-town and in the midst of talking about a thousand other things, she interjected “Oh, by the way, I am sorry about your Dad, but it was God’s will.” It was so insensitive on so many levels. First, I wondered how she knows what God’s will is. Second, my father was not even a particularly religious man, so he would probably have scoffed at that. Last and most important, it was as though she had decided and it was a “closed case” so I felt like there was nothing I could even say. It would have been infinitely better if she had left it at “I’m sorry about your Dad” and not included the editorial remarks about God. People are amazingly thoughtless at times.
Julie 16 Nov 2008 @ 7:44 pm
I’ve had many of these said to me. People with often the best intentions can say things they think will make you feel better, but they just don’t understand.
My father has told me to go to the gym, not realizing that by saying that every time I see him, he’s only making my self-consciousness worse, lessening any likelihood of my going to the gym.
My other half has told me to “cheer up” and has tried “cheering me up” by trying to get me to laugh, which, I realize he has the best of intentions, but when you’re having an exceptionally bad day, the last thing you want is someone who doesn’t understand trying to get you to “cheer up.” All you want is someone to listen and just be there for you.
As soon as I hear one of those trivializing or misunderstanding statements I realize that they will never understand, and that I have one less person to talk to in the world about my problems.
the watcher 28 Nov 2008 @ 4:59 pm
y would u insult someone with depression? being depressed sucks donkey balls…
Wes 3 Dec 2008 @ 7:29 pm
This is a wonderful site, just what I need. I have had depression for over 20 years and it seems to get worse with time. I have heard all of this great ideas many times. All I can say is I have 2 real support friends, one is my wife and my best friend.
If it were not for their support and unfailing love I would be dead. The hardest time for me is when I am alone and there is no one to talk to. This blog is a great help. Keep up the good work.
A 10 Dec 2008 @ 7:31 pm
Let’s not forget: “It is all in your head” a personal favorite of mine. Or the most recent one “I cant do it anymore, you feel miserable and you are making me feel miserable as well” (needless to say it didnt really help. but i dont think it was meant to)
I have recurrent episodes of major depression. So I would have a couple of moths in hell and then some ok short periods. I think this is just confusing the people around me even more. I find medication trully helpful. Antidepressants helped me get out of bed and stop crying (not a very cool thing when u are in an important meeting or driving, or better yet on a date)
I also believe in therapy. It is important and REBT helped me a great deal. But, since depression is still lets be honest a mystery in terms of how it works and what are the causes (everything I read in here and in literature are just theories that are build today and destroyed tomorrow) I think its important to treat it in a personalized way. For some medication does wonders and Im happy to be in that group, for some CBT or any kind of therapy or support group is way better.
I personally like the “Let me cook you something and you will feel better” that sounds caring and healthy during major episodes:)
Daphne 12 Dec 2008 @ 3:28 am
@ Paul, Doris, Anonymous and others: Your statements are true for (I think) the majority of depression sufferers. CBT has a high success rate in treating depression, and conquering negative thinking is an important step. However, please understand that there are some of us who cannot be helped by trusting in God or our therapist. I have suffered from psychotic depression for nearly 10 years. It is an uncommon form of depression that couples severe depressive symptoms with periods of delusions and hallucinations. I was misdiagnosed with major depression for years and ran the gamut of treatments, from CBT to antidepressants to long hospitalizations. Nothing has helped, because my problems do not lie as much in thinking I’m worthless, etc. as they lie in being emotionally numb, unable to perform basic daily living functions (showering, cooking, etc), constant suicidal ideation, and more. Plus, when my television is reading my thoughts and sending me messages, it is difficult to convince myself to cheer up.
Thanks all for all of your comments, especially James for being a respectable human being for admitting and apologising for his unintentional insult. I hope and pray for all of you that you will make it through this.
As to the subject of the article, I am REGULARLY told by complete strangers (always men): “Smile! It can’t be that bad!” and the even more insulting “I bet you’re a lot prettier when you smile.” This happens a lot on buses and sidewalks. Why would anyone ever think this was an appropriate approach to a stranger??
Darrel 20 Dec 2008 @ 7:42 pm
I have lists of what to/not say to a depressed person but my list of DON”Ts is longer and DO’s is much shorter. Am I more depressed than you or just being negative?
Jake 25 Dec 2008 @ 7:10 pm
I’ve had pretty much all these comments said to me at one point or another.
I think the main problem is because psychologists defined depression as being “episodic” people think that there’s normal inbetween, and it’s impossible for someone to be depressed ALWAYS. I’m 18/m. I’ve been depressed since I was 12/13. I’ve been on a steadily downward going slope, eventually failing high school (though I passed my Advanced Calculas course), and proceeding to do nothing for a year and a half.
THE WORST THING I find is like a pattern of victimization. I was always blamed for everything, school, home, etc. Even still now, people try to walk me through basic skills like cooking pasta or something, like I’m mentally retarded, or blame me for all the things they do to me. Just today, my sister snaps at me when I try to help her scan a document, she apologizes but says she was justified in yelling. I mean wtf, what happened to something being your fault.
Another thing is people always assume their must’ve been a cause. Like a “troubled childhood” a “bad outlook” etc. Nothing pisses me off more than having someone say “well it must not be that bad”. It’s like “I can’t function. I fail at almost everything, and never get better at ANYTHING despite days/weeks/months of effort at something. I’ve even been getting worse at everything over the years. Why CAN’T you understand that?” The response is always just a shrug or something, they NEVER think they could be wrong.
Betty 27 Dec 2008 @ 2:29 pm
I’ve suffered from severe depression for most of my life. Mine is due to a hormone imbalance associated with PCOS/PMDD and diabetes and is worse at certain times of the month, but I always have it to some degree and it’s debilitating. I’ve coped by escaping into my artwork. My adult son, also an artist, suffers from it as well and he doesn’t cope as well as I do. And often, he’s downright rude to the rest of the family and uses his depression as an excuse. For instance, I bought him a sandwich the other day and he wouldn’t sit at the table with me to eat it–he will never sit at the table with any of us. He went upstairs to his room to eat alone as usual. He griped at Christmas because I didn’t have breakfast on the table fast enough for him, and after I’d spent two days in the kitchen cooking for the holidays and was exhausted. And he complained that he disliked the tie I got him, said the fabric looked cheap. He’s totally inconsiderate to others. He goes around slamming doors and breaking things. One morning, he was so angry that he couldn’t find a hairbrush that he brushed his hair with a fork and nearly hurt himself. It’s getting very hard to live with him. And though I understand that he suffers from depression, I do think he uses it as an excuse for his poor manners and behavior and takes it out on the rest of the family. When he does this, it’s very hard not to resort to the old cliches such as “snap out of it,” even though I know that is ridiculous and the cause is physical. I think sometimes people just don’t know what else to say. I did tell him this morning that he needs to learn to cope with it better, and that made him mad–everything makes him mad. Sometimes I fear that he’s going to hurt one of us. AndI don’t really know what to do.
Jake 27 Dec 2008 @ 4:33 pm
Dear Betty
From what you said, it doesn’t sound like depression. I won’t say depressed people don’t get angry or irritable, but usually depressed people have very low ability to act on their anger. The second thing is depressed people usually don’t have a distorted sense of what’s good/bad (so they usually don’t complain irrationally), it’s just bad feelings last much longer than good ones, making life suck alot, even if they have good things happen. And if his cause was “physical,” most endogenous (inside caused) depression is dopamine based, resulting in lower creativity andin ability to care whether or not something happens (like eating in places with lots of people). I would assume either something happened/is happening to provoke depression, or he doesn’t have it, and just has some sort of “oppositional defiance disorder” or some anger/antisocial issues.
james 27 Dec 2008 @ 6:50 pm
I would argue the point on this one. Depression describes a variety of mood disorders that present themselves in different ways for different people. Many people with severe depression detach from reality. Anger and irritability are the primary symptom of depression for many people, with or without sadness.
David 27 Dec 2008 @ 11:41 pm
Those so called insults are not insults, they are true. Feeling sorry for yourself leads to depression when not nipped in the bud. When you dwell on problems you have no choice but to get depressed! Are Americans some sort of specially evolved homo sapien? Other humans living in ravaged countries like parts of Africa and the Middle East don’t sit around and stay in bed feeling sorry for themselves; they get up and do what they have to do in order to survive. Those people live in extreme poverty and chaos but yet they get on with their lives. People in America break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend or lose their job and they fall off the deep end. “I need drugs, I have a chemical imbalance!” Depression is a joke to most other parts of the world; they laugh at the things people in America get depressed about. We are a boo-hoo-poor-pitiful-me weak society.
David 27 Dec 2008 @ 11:51 pm
My mother passed away this year; I lost my job; my home is in foreclosure; I have credit card debt now when I’ve had perfect credit all my life; my son is confused about a career path; my father is 80 years old and partially disabled and I spend most of my time caring for him; all the women I date seem to have some sort of personality disorder; and on and on…. 99% of the people in this country would be suicidal. “Poor me, I need someone to talk to, someone to support me.” If I had that frame of mind I wouldn’t accomplish anything. What good would that do me? I’m strong and I have pride. I will work through these setbacks and restore my life. No drugs or sympathy needed.
anomia 4 Jan 2009 @ 10:05 am
Well, it is true that we all are ignorant in some way, and if saying the wrong thing sometimes is proof, then there’s a lot of it when it comes to mental health.
However there is a difference between malicious intent, no empathy and just not knowing, which is really where most people fall.
It may be hard to care about those differences when depression is happening, but, know that someone somewhere cares, and just ’cause someone says a dumb thing doesn’t mean they don’t care or can’t help OK?
BTW all you psuedo physicians with your idiotic advice, mind your own business, and let the caregivers and patients alone to heal.
You wouldn’t think Cancer is the persons own fault would you?
It is a broad variety of ILLNESS, some get it and some don’t, what happens in life is ancillary to the ILLNESS.
Jenn 5 Jan 2009 @ 12:57 pm
I completely agree with David, and I WAS depressed for several years. Then I realized I needed to pull myself together. These aren’t insults; those who are depressed only take them as insults because they get defensive and can’t see the truth behind them. When friends come to you complaining about how miserable their life is, what is there to say other than these aforementioned “insults”? They are just trying to help. Go get the help you need and stop complaining about it if you don’t want to hear what they have to say (and I know that not every depressed person complains, but many do). In that depressed state, it’s very hard to accept the help that you are given. You tend to distort others’ words and actions. I have been there and I now realize that I was incredibly selfish. I feel as if I have no right to be depressed. Life goes on. I know how to keep myself happy and pull myself up, and I wish I had been told me more of these “insults” when I was cutting myself and attempting suicide. Through sexual and physical abuse, poor living conditions, and my parents’ alcoholism, I’m happy. We all just need to learn how to accept help.
Robert Hollander 7 Feb 2009 @ 5:23 pm
Geez, quit whining! Can’t y’all snap to manic, already?
Eddie 9 Feb 2009 @ 6:24 pm
If I had a dime for…
bluegreen 23 Feb 2009 @ 9:05 am
Sorry guys, but a lot of those are spot on. I’ve had depression, had treatment, and been back into depression again. All of it has taught me one thing: No-one else can sort your head out for you. You absolutely HAVE TO look after yourself. You HAVE to think positive and get out and do the things you know will make you feel better – run around, eat well, sleep as much as you need. God knows, I know it’s tough, but some of that above is good advice. You have to get off your arse and get moving.
Play at being happy, even if you’re not. It works. And if someone wants to cook you a good meal – fantastic!
David Marcus 1 Mar 2009 @ 11:52 pm
I’d like to throw my hat into the ring, next to these marbles referred to as insults. The ones offering a temporary solution like “go buy some clothes” are indeed insulting and useless, so let’s kick those out as myopic “advice” from people who’ve never meditated or explored the inner depths of their minds.
But when people offer “just snap out of it” or “pull yourself together,” they’re usually shooting a marble with two layers. The first, on the outside, is the wish that you’d just overcome the depression and return to a happier life because they’re frustrated that they can’t (or don’t know how to) do anything else to help. So while it might sound blunt, there’s usually care behind it. The second hidden layer is the true meaning behind the statement. “Just pull yourself together” means: recognize your depression; recognize that it can be overcome; lock yourself in solitude; shut down with whatever technique works; dive down inside yourself, inside your mind; lose all fear, go back in time and dig through your dark forest of problems; find the roots and expose them to yourself; kill the roots with positive explanations if they didn’t already wither in the sunlight of exposure; then emerge from yourself victorious.
In other words, “snap out of it” means “I want you to find the cause of this problem and solve it because I care about you and think you can do it.”
Granted, it might not work when the problem is purely brain physiology, but if the chemical flows have been altered because the roots of the problems have twisted themselves around the controls, then you kill the roots.
Here’s one example — for quick, illustrative purposes only — as the roots can be much harder to rip out and I am not trying to trivialize anyone’s problems: if your journey inwards down the tree, through the branches, finally reveals that the root of depression is physical abuse suffered as a child, then expose the root as what it might really be: the abuse happened not because of who you were or what you did, but because the abuser felt a need to control or intimidate, and you happened to be there. An object to absorb the anger at their own problems. That it never really was personally against you, but a reaction by the abuser to his/her own insecurities. The root is exposed, and you emerge from yourself with this new truth. What to do with it is up to each person. Some might find it even more helpful to take that new truth and confront the abuser with it. For example, “What you did to me all those years ago, I now realize it wasn’t because of me personally. I was innocent, I didn’t deserve what you did, and what you did damaged me for a long time. I also realize that you did it because you’re so weak and afraid that you can’t even confront your own insecurities. You’re still an angry child, but I’ve grown up and I now stand taller than you ever will.”
While not depression-inducing, here’s another example: think about the emotions we feel when someone pulls out in front of us in traffic. We create an insidious root inside our minds that says, “That person did that to me,” emphasizing the “me”. We feel like it was personal. Then we add branches by getting into a road rage with them, yelling, gesturing, maybe even doing vengeful things to them with our own cars. Later, looking back, we see all these branches, the irrational behaviors, and feel guilty or ashamed that we let our anger get the best of us. But what that driver did still gives us stress. We don’t explore it further because we think it’s the branches that bother us. The branches cover our view of the root, which is, guess what, that the driver didn’t do it as a personal attack, but merely to be selfish and opportunistic. Once we realize that, we can admit our behavior was wrong, and the entire tree dies. The stress disappears. And the next time it happens, we can react differently. A shake of our head at their foolishness. A simple honk to let the driver know that his selfishness wasn’t appreciated. He may have “won” on the road that day, but we won’t make any unnecessary roots and trees.
Dive down into yourself until you hit the roots, cutting through the branches in the way.
Years ago, Dr. John Sarno in New York revealed that migraines, back pain, etc. are usually manifestations of one very simple thing: not allowing inner rage to reach your conscious mind. I suffered the auras and migraines for years until I followed the advice in his book. It took all of about four seconds. I dove into myself and allowed myself to feel any rage that my unconscious was hiding from my conscious mind. I said to myself, open the door and let me feel it, I’m not afraid of it. Four seconds to say that. I didn’t even feel the rage, just gave myself the permission to do so. The struggle between my unconscious and conscious minds immediately ended. I have been absolutely migraine-free since February 10, 2006.
We hide from the roots of our problems, just like we’re afraid to go see what made that noise in the night, and we suffer needlessly by doing so. Take up the flashlight, dive into your darkness, and “pull yourself together” by tearing out the roots.
Lisi 20 Mar 2009 @ 12:54 pm
I had a psychiatrist tell me — “Maybe you should accept that this is the best you can do. You can get up, you can go to work. I have patients who can’t get out of bed.” Needless to say, I’ve given him more time to work with those patients, as I’m no longer one.
So, even doctors don’t know the right things to say.
james 20 Mar 2009 @ 1:03 pm
That’s bound to destroy someone’s hope. My psychiatrist once said that there is no reason why someone with a mental illness shouldn’t enjoy a normal life and do anything that they put their mind to. The starting point is marrying the right diagnosis with the right treatment.
Scratch 22 Mar 2009 @ 10:55 pm
I don’t mind the dumb-ass ignorance. It’s not a crime not to know something. What I really hate is being told I am BAD and LAZY and HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE DEPRESSED. Oh my God!
Scratch 22 Mar 2009 @ 11:05 pm
Betty, he’s a spoilt little brat. He doesn’t have a life, so he gets all his jollies throwing his weight around and being horrible to you. We all need a sense of power in our lives, and that’s how he gets his. Every time you back down, you reinforce this. Just quietly stand up to him once and it will tip him off his throne. Life’s tough and he needs to face that. I recommend a therapist to sort him out
Tajha 23 Mar 2009 @ 12:19 pm
Depression sucks… It sucks to feel like your body and mind are betraying you because consciously and logically you know that you’ve really got no reason to be sad, but you just can’t make it stop.
Anyway, the worst line I’ve gotten was, “You shouldn’t use medication to control your mood.” I don’t remember what I said to him, or if I just walked away.
Tajha 23 Mar 2009 @ 12:28 pm
(Sorry for posting twice, but I thought about this after I’d hit the submit button, well and after reading the “best things to say”)
One of the biggest problems I have in wanting to talk about my depression is that people are going to think I’m just trying to get attention. Hell, when I went to my primary care doctor to get a rewrite for my prescription he said, “You don’t look depressed to me.” Can you believe that? A doctor… Then again, he was a military doctor…
Annie 20 Apr 2009 @ 2:30 am
No one ever suggested acupuncture to me, but I tried it anyway. The results for refractory depression have been no worse than meds were….so far.
Conclusion: It ain’t THAT much of an insult (if you’ve got an awesome acupuncturist).
DJ 1 May 2009 @ 7:59 am
Hey,
Imagine having Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Obssisive Compulsive Disorder, Temporal Lobe Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder all in one go. IMAGINE all the comments I get! I hardly ever leave my house…
Tommy 4 Jun 2009 @ 5:16 am
The best thing that really helped me was
Let Go…Let Go. Let your troubled mind become peaceful. You dont have to try just let Go…
And it became my single prayer every morning Today i will Let Go of worries or antything that displeases me……
Things happen and finally with time you have a new life
al 28 Jun 2009 @ 10:44 pm
brother told me “just suck it up”
Ellen de Jonge 8 Jul 2009 @ 2:15 pm
If you are having a depression it is hard, anxiety attacks so big that you think you are getting grazy, not able to breath, no peace and stillness in the mind……..you don’t wish this to your worst enemy.
I have been there, I have struggled and I am happy that somebody came in my life who introduced me to Yoga. And YES, already after the first class I felt a difference, a possibility of breathing better and having some release in my ever ongoing madness.
Now I am 6 years further and I am a yoga teacher, I chose to teach this to help people who are dealing depression and anxiety because I know how raw this can be.
So maybe something to try or think about. Body and mind go together, to open your body will give your stuff the change to leave your system. With stimulating the fire inside of us we can burn rubbish, I could………..you can!!!!!!!!!
Take care, Namaste
ellen
Anonymous 14 Jul 2009 @ 5:27 am
I am currently off work sick with horrible depression (the second job this has happened to me in), have permanent black cloud, suicidal thoughts the lot – I just fell out (permanently) with two friends who I’ve had a 20 year friendship with and during a row, one of them told me ‘when I get like that, I pull myself out of it’… great, I never knew it was that simple, and there was me getting signed off sick!?? People really don’t understand, there’s feeling a bit low and problems getting you down, and there’s not being able to get out of bed and feeling like you want to end it all even if you do!! Slightly different I’d say…
Anonymous 14 Jul 2009 @ 5:31 am
P.S. In response to some of the comments about these ignorant remarks making sense; I do have stuff to be depressed about that try as I might do not change in my life and it’s hard to keep positive about, and I don’t literally just sit and feel sorry for myself, I do try really hard to concentrate on other things, go out, carry on with life (even though work became too much) but it’s always THERE – it’s not a conscious thing, so I can’t tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself or that my life is great so snap out of it… it’s just not as simple as that for me or people in similar situations.
keith nightingale 16 Jul 2009 @ 8:29 pm
Hey Anonymous
sorry to hear of your situation.
i have had 13 years of repreive after my suicide attempt .
Would be happy to chat with you through this awful time.
keithnightingale@hotmail.com
53 yo man western australia
on face book if you want to check me out.
California 1 Sep 2009 @ 3:34 pm
I have had what I would consider severe depression since I was 16, and that was many years ago. A lot of it stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family. For most of my life I have not talked about my depression with anyone because I don’t want to hear a lot of bad advice or judgments. Lately I have been trying to talk about it to some people I know, but no one really understands. I know they think if I was really so unhappy with my life for all these years I would have made changes. Every day I regret I have not, but it is hard when you were raised and conditioned by your family to have low self esteem and be taught to be afraid of the world. It is hard to just up and leave that all behind the day you turn 18. You hear these stories about a kidnap victim who is held for years and never escapes, even when there is an opportunity? It’s kind of like that IMO. Anyway I would like to get back on topic with what to say/not to say. I hate it when someone tries to trivialize my feelings by implying that it is easy to change my life or that all the years I have wasted not doing anything to change my circumstances, which is the cause of my depression, suddenly won’t matter if/when I start to make changes. Or when someone tries to give me a list of things I should do that will magically make everything better. What I would most like to hear sometimes is “I’m sorry you feel bad.” That sounds so simple, but it seems hard for most people for some reason. Sometimes that’s all I want, is for someone to show a little empathy. I have to partially disagree with those that say it is bad when someone starts telling you how bad they felt at one time or of something bad that happened to them. To me it is worse to talk to “happy” people that cannot relate to your pain. It is not necessarily one-upping someone to tell them about your own hurt and problems. For once I would like to talk with people (and yes I know about “support groups”, but I mean people who claim to be my friend and care about me) who can tell me they know how it feels. Certainly I don’t want anyone telling me that I should kill myself, but my fantasy conversation would be for someone to say yeah, if they were in my situation, they would probably hate their life too, they would probably want to kill themselves too. It would be nice to have my feelings justified. That would not help or hinder me getting out of my situation, it would just show me someone out there knows how it feels and that it is okay for me to feel that way sometimes myself. If any of you reading this find my attitude to be self-centered or self-pitying, I really don’t care. You don’t know my life or what I would have liked it to have been.
Freeborn 20 Oct 2009 @ 2:04 am
California, what you say is so true, too many people try to “fix” the problem instead of just listening and comiserating. Unfortunately, I have been the person trying to “fix” a friends problem when all they want to hear is “I’m sorry you feel bad”. At this point, undergoing my own little depression bout, I am learning how important that is. Reading what you wrote is a reminder to me of how important it is to just relate to someone else once in a while. And I really am sorry that anyone ever feels this bad. It makes it so hard to clean, work, cook, go out, or do anything. It seems so simple, like it can be fixed with the snap of some fingers, or like you can just say to yourself (which does not work by the way), tommorrow I can handle it and begin again. Sadly when tommorrow arrives it just becomes today again. Its so hard to get out of the redundant cycle.
Chris 2 Nov 2009 @ 11:43 am
I dont have depression but I have been married to my beautiful wife for 27years and she has suffered from depression on and off for twenty years and I can tell you that it has taken a toll on our marrage yes I know people change over the years but when she gets down as I call it it is so hard,I have learned alot about depression and I am still learning about it and I can say that I have said 90 percent of the list of how to insult someone with depression and for that as I have learned more about this horrible desease I am truely sorry ,I can tell you that it comes not from not respecting or loving the person affected but comes from pure ignorance of the illness and of how it affects others and I can honestly say that living with someone who has depression is and can be extremely difficult,but I can safely say that as I learn more I will never say things like that again good luck on your journey to control this hiddeous problem kind regards Chris
Ben 7 Dec 2009 @ 1:12 am
While I agree that you have touched on an important issue (even 2 years later!) about the power of language and its impact on emotion.
However, as someone who has had several people in his life suffering with depression, there are times when I have desperately wanted to help and gotten frustrated at my powerlessness to help.
I haven’t actually said these things (or I hope not!) but I know the source of the words.
But heck, that’s just my $.02.
Ben
abraham lincoln 7 Dec 2009 @ 2:01 pm
you cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. you cannot strenghten the weak by weaking the strong. you cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. you cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the the wage payer down, you cannot futher the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. you cannot build characte and courage by taking away people’s initiative an independence. you cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
james 7 Dec 2009 @ 2:10 pm
I’m confused by the last sentence. Did Abraham Lincoln have the mentally ill in mind, or is that your subjective interpretation and he was actually speaking in general terms?
Roy 21 Dec 2009 @ 12:35 pm
“Have you tried acupuncture?”
You know I get this one often, and they mean well. But it makes me feel like I’m not “working on” my problems and that I just need a little “magic” to cure me.
Su 4 Jan 2010 @ 1:34 am
Hi everyone – I’ve been down for three years with a breakdown and I think I might be recovering. You know what the sad thing is? I’ve heard most of the things “I think you’re making it up” “You just don’t want to get well/ get a job”. The one that has hurt me the most – moreso because for two solid months after I was in such a fragile state of mind I believed it utterly was “Maybe something really bad has to happen before you can finally get up and take control of yourself” – from someone who has suffered from clinical depression her entire life as well.
And the faces people make when I say I can’t work or even think about applying.
But the past couple of days I’ve been above water and I see it from their point of view and I know that it seems logical to them.
Honestly, they will NEVER be able to tell what it’s like, even if they’ve had it when they are now recovered and it was always different from what you are experiencing. They always think they pulled themselves out of it… could be, but as we know each case is so radically different and something that works for one just DOESN’T for another….for example, 18 months of medication haven’t worked, made it worse. CBT didn’t work, 26 sessions of it. I didn’t know what it was like until, and as such I still don’t know how you are feeling about it.
I never want to be like that; at the same time I want to be healed. Is it possible to be empathic without suffering? I have no idea.
Th worst thing is that you think they are right. I’ve always thought they were right: you just need to be positive….but it can’t work for clinical depression, not really. I don’t know. I’m really hoping we all get well – seriously I do……..
Su 4 Jan 2010 @ 3:59 pm
I wanted to add that I’ve tried yoga, it’s helped minimally then not at all. Tried Reiki, helped in the beginning, but then life situation and coping skills are bad. Am currently on homeopathy – the suggestion for acupressure isn’t really bad,but unfortunately we might be in such a low place that we feel well that’s just another waste of money on something someone says may work, but it won’t work for me if the pills and the CBT and the yoga and the vitamins and the diet and the positive thinking haven’t….and there are some people who say change the way you think – it’s difficult. It is. Especially when you and everyone else thinks in pretty much the same patterns…or you are completely lost- it is different for everyone, everyone is in a different stage, everyone can only see from their own point of view… you yourself don’t understand whether it’s you or the depression – really…. and you try and some days it works and most days it doesn’t. and people in other countries do get depressed, the stigma is so strong that it’s not announced. The depressed people in Africa and Asia are hidden. It’s as simple as that. Hidden. Invisible. That’s the curse. I was ok in June, then went down in July – and only resurfaced again now.
I’ve felt ok for a week now and showering – but I honestly I’ve had really bad nutrition and haven’t been able to walk unless absolutely necessary for two months. We don’t know what will work or how things just “stop”. And now I see I don’t have any friends, and family relations are severed – all be cause I couldn’t keep up and they weren’t bothered either – all because it seems so easy for an outsider for you NOT to be like that….oh and rage and anger can definitely be part of depression. You can get highly sensitive to things, people not putting things back in the right place every single day, just being unable to take other people and wanting to eat alone because they talk so loudly and put the television on so loudly…. I wish they weren’t but they are, it’s the anger inwards gone outwards. And it can also be side effects of the SSRIs. It was for me. I just didn’t realise it.
ribbit 13 Jan 2010 @ 4:34 am
I have heard these all. A good friend of mine went to a psychiatrist who yelled at her for crying, pointed out how her life wasn’t bad and told her she should just snap out of it. Um, yup. Nothing like a supposed mental health professional telling you you feel the wrong way and it’s all your fault to cheer you up!
Maxy 21 Feb 2010 @ 6:43 pm
I’ve heard all these above statements. I’m not lazy, i never was. But, due to all these symptoms, it’s hard to pick myself up and just snap out of it! My family knows it all that i take anti-depressants and why i quit my job. But, still they choose to insult me every day. God, if i was stronger like before i would never let anyone hurt me like this.
Teresa 24 Feb 2010 @ 4:29 am
Thanks for all your comments. I have suffered from depression on and off for many years and am having trouble now for a few weeks again. I am actively trying to get through it but my husband doesn’t understand I just can’t snap out of it. He tries but….I know it isn’t pleasant for him to live with but then again it isn’t pleasant for me either and I am trying to change it. I find that exercize works for me better than any antidepressants. I don’t like medication and find that exercize is a much better antidepressant than any pharma. I wish you all well with your recoveries.