“…you do not need to be defeated by anything…you can have peace of mind, improved health, and a never ceasing flow of energy…your life can be full of joy and satisfaction…of this I have no doubt at all…”
Norman Vincent Peale, The Power of Positive Thinking
Genuine Hope or Cruel Hoax?
I’ve read plenty of motivational, self help, get rich books. So many, in fact, that not long ago I wanted to write my own book about these books.
Only recently it dawned on me why I’ve been so captivated by them. I was reading them before I knew that I was mentally ill and I was very unhappy with life. They provided an escape. I dreamed of a better life; they gave me hope that things would change. They promised me that everything I wanted would be mine if I purposefully set out to realize my goals. A powerful promise for someone who is depressed. Something that is impossible to put into action for someone who is depressed.
I spent many years keeping lists of things to do and goals to achieve. I revised them, laminated them onto cards, tried different applications to sort and present them in different ways. If I could get it all done and reach all my goals then surely my life would better. But it never materialized. There was a lot of hoping and dreaming, but hardly any action. This kind of compulsive goal-setting was always a recipe for disappointment.
If you are like this, constantly dwelling on the future but paralyzed with inaction, then like me you will probably experience disappointment.
An article on PsychCentral, Giving Up on Goals can be Helpful?, quotes recent research that found that letting a life goal go can be physically and mentally beneficial in some circumstances.
That has been my experience over the last few years. As I’ve stopped setting life goals (and sub-goals) I’ve focused more on my core values, and on living in the here and now. I think I’ve coped better with life.
Jay, writer MemberSpeed.com 28 Dec 2007 @ 9:32 pm
People have their own way of dealing with things. Of living life. While you say that these motivational books have only given you disappointment, I also think that it provided you with the answer to what the right path is for you. Everything must be seen as an opportunity to learn and to change. Best of luck to the path that has opened up to you.
Pat 3 Jan 2008 @ 11:42 am
Thanks for your comments. I just descovered your site over the weekend and will be interested in going through the pages over coming days and weeks. My wife is bipolar and although I have not had any clinical diagnoses – over the years I seem to relate to some of what she has describes in some of my own moods and behaviors…
I saw one of you comments about converting the boardroom to a bedroom. My wife sleeps alot but this seems to be related to some of here highs and lows… I found hopefullness in that comment… I hope that you have found a balance or at least some optimized place of relationships, income, and challenges.
I can appreciate your perspective on goal setting. I have read a number of things on time management, goals, strategies. Somehow this information has integrated itself into my life – but certainly no nervana :) We have four Kids (15 down to 8) the youngest with special needs. Getting through laundry is nearly impossible let alone discussing what we would do when we retire or if we getting out to dinner for our annaversary :)
Alinda 19 Jan 2008 @ 11:57 pm
Thanks for putting into words what I ‘discovered’ through my clinical depression. I have given up setting rigid goals and/or changing them with every change in wind. My life now revolves around one criteria: Does it feel organic? Yes, and I go forward. No, and I look elsewhere. As you can see by my website I found my ‘saving grace’ in rabbits. It feeds my soul and that’s perfect.
Thanks for your writing. I’ll check back often.
Fred 21 Jan 2008 @ 8:01 pm
I like your article and experience up there.
I can relate what your tying to do. Its true that it is hard to do in action than thinking, dreaming and hoping about what are you going to with your life to make you happy. I think it is all in the mind. Our minds create a negative thinking that our body response could not move or do anything.
We should think nothing for be able to our body response calmly but it is hard to do. We have jobs and think anything for our daily lives. What makes you disappoint of your goal is that you think and expect much of the outcome and you make yourself force to do what you dont want to do in action. Just be calm and go with the flow and act confidently just the way you are. I thinks that is a very hard to do. Whahahahaha……
Momof5 12 Aug 2008 @ 2:34 am
Aah, I just found your site tonight and have found it so helpful and encouraging . . until I came across this post. My husband suffers from depression, and I came in to our relationship 20 years ago a list-making fiend: goals every day, able to tell you at the end of the day what I had accomplished to the minute. OK, that might have been a bit more extreme than necessary, but it worked for me.
Now, because I don’t know what my husband’s moods will be from day to day, and perhaps because I’ve “caught” some of symptoms from the stress of raising a family in this situation, I find myself only occasionally making lists of things to do, and rarely able to tell you at the end of the day where my time went or whether I accomplished anything at all. That in itself makes me feel hopeless, which is an unfortunate position to be in as a carer.
As some of your other posts — on exercise, what works, etc — point out the positive effects of accomplishing small goals (getting out in the sunshine, drinking those 10 glasses of water, whatever), it is surprising to me to see you here embracing a list-less-ness, because lists seem like such a neat and tidy way to note those small accomplishments: last night I wrote “take walk” on my list, and today I checked it off! Much better than wondering if anyone will ever get off the couch.
So I’m wondering if I’ve misread you here: is this about life goals? At some point we just give up on the lake house or the travel and live with what we’ve got? If so, where’s the hope?
Or is it that the day-to-day tracking of goals and time and accomplishments is just not effective? If not, how are we to measure any change?
Thank you for your posts –
james 12 Aug 2008 @ 7:15 pm
I’m also a list making fiend; I usually have over 100 action items, sometimes 200, in my own custom version of a GTD type system. For me to stay healthy I need to do a lot of stuff (keep busy) and keep the information sufficiently well structured that I don’t ever feel out of control (in a box).
In the post I was writing about long-term goal setting; especially setting goals that will have the effect of changing your life into something it isn’t now, but are realistically unattainable. I should have been clearer – there is nothing as important for someone with an illness than to actively work towards goals along the road to better health. But there is a lot of stuff out there that says everything you want is attainable and can be yours. Setting unrealistic life goals is unlikely to help if they just lead to disappointment.
BTW, congratulations on raising 5. I envy you.