Things to Say to Someone With Depression

Tags: caring for someone with depression, loving someone with depression, overcoming depression, someone with depression

91 Responses

1. Dawn 13 Aug 2007 @ 7:00 pm

   One of the most painful things when I was depressed was being in a situation that I would have really enjoyed before I became sick and realizing that I could no longer enjoy it. Not sure how this directly translates into ways to support someone who is depressed, but I think that this is something that is hard to understand if you haven’t been there (i.e., I definitely didn’t want to hear “BUT why don’t you want to go? You used to love this!” or “What’s your problem? This is your favorite!” That definitely always made a bad situation worse.
   Trying new things did help a lot — I actually found a few forms of exercise that I liked (including yoga!).
   Everyone’s depression is different, so this might not be a universal sentiment. Nonetheless, it’s definitely how I felt. I’ve found it really helpful to interact with others who’ve faced depression and read their stories at http://www.experienceproject.com/group_profile.php?g=109 (see my website link). The best way to not feel alone is to correspond with someone who does know just how you feel. And there’s always someone who does!

2. Ways to Insult Someone with Depression | Finding Optimism 13 Aug 2007 @ 11:18 pm

   [...] Here is a list of the best things to say! [...]

3. PK 15 Aug 2007 @ 11:24 am

   Usually the best thing to say is say nothing. Keep your mouth shut.

   Sometimes the depression hits hard (even when medicated) for no apparent reason and there are no words in the World that will change the situation.

   The best move here is keep tabs on the person so no suicide idealisms come to the surface.
   If that’s not likely (or clearly noticeable) then just let it be.

   Sooner or later the person will come out of this depressive mood.

   Anger might be present, so potential harm is possible to the person or to others.

   At this point one should start talking. The main point is not let the anger take over completely. Try to defuse the anger if possible.

   That can be possibly achieved by the “good words”. If not, call 911. You are not capable of doing nothing more than you already did and that is NOT a shame unless your words triggered the anger. Then, my fried, you are an Idiot.
   At this point you better leave the place specially when other people is present to watch over the anger.

   True, some observations made by people that have no idea of what depression is can make the situation unbearable for the depressed person.

   Trying “good words” is valid but not always result in a mood change as fast as we would like to see.

   It all depends how “deep” the person is in the depressive mood.

   If suicide, anger, are not a factor, then the best is keep your mouth shut, wait patiently for the person “climb” out of that mood.

   And yes, the person can ‘climb” out on his/her own. It may take hours, it may take days.

   Also do not feel sorry for the depressed person and do not let the sorry, if present in you be seen by the depressed person. That won’t help either.

   BTW, I’m no M.D. I speak from my on experience dealing with my own depressive mood.

4. Christine 18 Aug 2007 @ 11:17 am

   I agree with PK. I absolutely hate to be molly-coddled…or felt sorry for during a serious depressive episode. I would prefer no attention drawn to my episode.

5. Ericka 21 Aug 2007 @ 3:24 am

   I went through a deep depression that lasted a few years. Finally a friend said two things to me,
   ‘If your car was running slowly, eating up gas, not performing, not starting, would you take it personally or take it to the shop?’
   And, my favorite, ‘Imagine your little sister going through what you’re going through now, what advice would you give her?
   The natural answer in my head was ‘why would I want better for her than myself?

6. Carnival of Positive Thinking 26 Aug 2007 @ 2:27 pm

   [...] Bishop presents Things to Say to Someone With Depression posted at Finding Optimism, saying, “Suggestions of things to say to a depressed person, that [...]

7. Amy 26 Aug 2007 @ 10:03 pm

   Thanks for starting a conversation about this. So many people think you can just snap out of depression. They don’t understand this is a disease. You can’t tell a diabetic to snap out of it and eat a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Same thing with depression. People need to talk about depression so more people understand what it is. And yes - support is HUGE. I hate to think what would have happened to me without friends and family around me as hard as my depression was for them.

8. The Personal Development Carnival, September 2, 2007 Edition | Personal Development for the Book Smart 2 Sep 2007 @ 11:44 am

   [...] Bishop presents Things to Say to Someone With Depression posted at Finding [...]

9. Caroline 6 Sep 2007 @ 12:19 pm

   Please do not make the depressed person feel that their depression is a burden on you. Their inability to “snap out of it” or at least to hide it and knowing it is hurting you exacerbates the depression. Even if you don’t say it, they can figure out that they are a burden to you. Find some support to help you handle it that does not involved the depressed individual.

10. Mary Harrow 6 Sep 2007 @ 4:47 pm

    As someone who has struggled with depression and also speaking as a friend to a depressed person; I find some of the best advice is to listen, listen, listen and then listen some more. If that person isn’t ready to talk then sometimes saying nothing IS the best thing. You could take a walk; and just walk. And always remember that part of being a friend and caring about someone it being there for them; even when you don’t necessarily feel like it. You will not always agree with decisions or choices that others make but part of being a friend is supporting them through those choices.

11. lora stillwell 17 Sep 2007 @ 9:54 am

    A lot of these replies are from depressed people, not from their caregivers. I have been a caregiver for nine years now. The person concerned will not take their meds, has been constantly angry, unable to work and so on. I cannot begin to describe how exhausting and debilitating this is. Depression has been called a ‘contagious’ illness and I can see why. The problem with dealing with a depressed person is that you are not dealing with THEM - you are dealing with the mask that their illness provokes. Depression can seem like an incredibly selfish illness - particularly when there are only two of you in the household and there is no one to share the burden of care. What’s the answer? I wish I knew. The illness itself often prevents the person from getting the treatment they need and you, and they, are caught up in a vicious circle. No words can help when the depression is deep. When the anger accompanies it, its even worse. Like dealing with Atzheimers, I feel that the person I knew is long gone - surfacing once in a while to remind me of what they once were. Please can we hear from more caregivers on this site? This is a frustrating, sad, lonely role. L, Vt

12. Yen 19 Sep 2007 @ 5:16 pm

    As someone who has had to cope with bipolar disorder (primarily with major depression) since childhood, I can understand the feelings and frustrations that are common to depressed people. And as a caregiver to someone who also has bipolar disorder and many physical problems as a consequence of a nearly-successful suicide attempt ten years ago, I also understand from that angle. Depression has to be one of the most challenging problems that can confront a person and their loved ones. At times anything the patient cannot say or even think of anything positive, and the carers may feel that they cannot do or say anything that makes a positive difference. At these times regular contact with the members of a support group that is specifically concerned with these situations is VITAL!! I have had major help from the Depressive and Bipolar Support Alliance, and recommend that every concerned person get in touch with them and attend group sessions. Tell your esperience, ask questions, and listen to suggestions from those who have been where you are now.

13. Diana 28 Sep 2007 @ 9:19 pm

    This is wonderful. Sometimes even the most well meaning people don’t quite how to support a depressed person and would value from this information.

14. Laurie 1 Oct 2007 @ 3:22 pm

    I recently had surgery and have a small scar. A good friend asked if I was treating it with vitamin e to help it go away, and my response was no (thinking to myself why would I do that? What do I care? I don’t take care of myself anymore. Don’t excercise, poor sleeping habits, etc). But then she said “why not?” and I thought, she’s absolutely right! Why not? Take care of yourself! So I’ve been doing more of that, and it really helps. I also had a doctor tell me I had to watch the news, which I thought was crazy at the time, but he was right. It helps get me out of my head.

15. Josie 3 Oct 2007 @ 3:00 pm

    For myself, depression hit at puberty and is a daily fact of life. The “leave me alone” factor is so strong that sometimes hearing the positive phrases you mention (We’re in this together, I’m not gonna leave you, etc), while endearing, can induce strong guilt feelings. “Gee, this person is hitching themselves to a lead weight” “I’m gonna drag them down, this isn’t fair of them to do this.” “They are going to be mad at me when they fail to cheer me up.” are all thoughts I’ve had when friends and family have vowed to stick by me. Sometimes it hurts to be reassured that you’re not alone.

    The thing is, each depressed person is, before anything else, an individual. No two cases of depression are the same. What works for one will damage another, and there are no hard and fast rules for how to do it right. For me, when help is offered it usually amplifies the depression; for others it could be exactly the right thing. If you’re dealing with a depressive, you probably already know them. Tailor your approach to what you know of your friend/family member/co-worker.

    Possibly you can even ask them, on a less-depressed day (if they have one) what they find most comforting and what well-meaning actions are hurtful to them specifically. Perhaps they won’t answer; perhaps they will deny that anything helps. I had someone in my life who fought my depression tooth and claw; which made it soooo much worse. I didn’t know how to tell him that, and eventually it got so bad that I had to send him away permanently. He wasn’t able to understand that being helpful wasn’t helpful.

    I’d certainly never claim that this is true of most depressed people; I’ve only ever been myself, after all. My main point is to look at each case individually. If someone offered to take a walk with me, I’d be deeply hurt because I have a very bad back and anyone expecting a walk to make me feel better really would make things worse. For someone else, a walk could be great, get them outdoors, fresh air, grass, trees… life all around. It’s different for everyone, and the best thing I think a caregiver of a depressive can do is get to know the person as well as you can before you start trying to fix things.

    Because you can’t often “fix” things. Depression isn’t something that gets cured. It’s something you learn to live with through coping techniques and medications and lots of patience.

    In addition to dealing with my own depression, it runs in my family. My mother, two aunts, several cousin, grandfather, etc… People try to deny that illness in general can have a genetic factor, and they also don’t like to admit that depression is an illness at all. In my experience, it seems so self-evident. Again, as others here have said, an understanding of the facts about the disease (dis-ease, not at ease, an incredibly appropriate term for depression when you think about it) itself are vital to helping someone cope with it. Learn the general facts, learn the specific facts of the case you’re dealing with, and customize an approach to fit the situation at hand.

16. kimberly 3 Jan 2008 @ 9:12 pm

    I am fifteen years old and I was first diagnosed with depression when i was thirteen years old. From personal experience i believe the first and most important thing for those around you to acknowledge is that they know its not an exageration. Think of someone having a heart attack. If you tell them “O it’ll be fine. Just keep your chin up and your heart will start” that wont help at all. Depression is the same. The brain is incapable of functioning normally. The fact that the people around realize this is a disease and not a pity party is probablly biggest comfort you can give them. And nurture them. The human touch is always comforting. Let them know time and time again you love them and your with them!

17. Amy 5 Jan 2008 @ 7:41 pm

    Laurie,
    I’m glad you found something that helped you. But in my case (and it has been many years since I was depressed) I found that *not* watching the news was helpful because the news tended to reinforce my view of the world as a cold and violent place.
    I think it’s important not to give the depressed person the idea that you’re trying to change him. He needs to know he is loved just as he is.

18. cassy 10 Jan 2008 @ 10:06 am

    People may say things about you but it’s never really true. I’ve been there i had friends that thought was friends but they made lies about me. ALL i’m saying is never stike out because your afraid.

19. cassy 10 Jan 2008 @ 10:07 am

    THANK YOU

20. Fruitloops67 20 Jan 2008 @ 2:01 am

    I have been depressed for over half of my life. It has caused countless situations and losses in my life. Mainly relationships.

    I would tell someone who knows someone who is depressed to ask them to a movie, a long walk with a picnic. Discuss their situation and ask them what you can do to help them. Then give them an alternative view that is unlike the one they have. Some things are better if a friend throws you a curve ball and gives you a differnet perpective than you already have. It takes people to get involved and help the depressed one to pull them up by their shoelaces..someone once told me..tie a knot in the rope and hold on when life is swinging you.

    I think most people who are depressed are pessimistic. There are changes that need to take place…goals to set and try to achieve. Groups who need volunteers…ect..

    Depression is a Killer. It will lead to Suicidal thoughts and actions.

    It comes from being idle. You have to fight it just like you fight Cancer.

21. G A 5 Mar 2008 @ 3:20 pm

    hi, been reading all your letters,wow!gave me a real eye opener. my friend has depression been addmitted into hospital and released with meds,home a couple of wks then decided she wasn’t depressed and is still now in denial and thats coming up for a year now and still no meds and still in denial, we ARE best friends but she doesn’t see it that way just now, i understand and i’m fine about it, i want to help her with everything i have inside me but sometimes i want to walk away my life would be so much easier and stress free, but i know who she is behind this mask she wears, she’s alive and well she’s the total opposite of the person thats infront of me today, help me please with what to say to help she wont talk about it at all

22. A N 9 Mar 2008 @ 12:39 pm

    I dont usualy leave comments on sites
    but depression is something i know well
    and i felt i should leave a couple something

    im 15
    started experiencing depression since i was 12
    badly
    the worst came when i was 14 though
    i ended up on meds and a visit for stitches
    but now im all better =]
    support and help that i hadnt before really helped
    but the reason i hadnt had help and support before was because id never said anything
    i kept everything to myself and things got worse
    which shows that telling someone is the best way to go if you suffer from depression
    its not something you should battle on your own
    because more than likely you wont win without reinforcement

    I would like to thank my brother
    even though he may never read this
    but he is and was always there for me
    and im there for him and he knows that

    Goodluck to all in there battles in life

23. TH 17 Mar 2008 @ 3:23 am

    I came to this site to find out what to say and what not to say to someone who is depressed. It was interesting reading the different stories ppl have shared in relation to their illness.
    I thank the person who wrote in as a caregiver. I too am a caregiver and live with my partner. It is draining…so draining. and all i seem to do is make the situations worse. I try to help, try to take his mind off things, wake him up in the morning, encourage him to get work. But i feel like i can’t do it anymore. I have a very important year coming up and i feel like he would benefit so much more with me as a friend. would love to hear someone else’s opinion; from a caregivers persepective especially.
    TH

24. G 18 Mar 2008 @ 8:30 am

    I had my first real depressive “breakdown” at 22, and finally got hospitalized at 25 (when enduring all the horrible physical effects of depression, such as not being able to eat, not being able to get up, cramps, etc.), after numerous attempts to find the right shrink.

    It was at the clinic that I realized I had had the depression in milder forms for probably about 10 years already.
    Ignorance about one’s own problems usually wards off the help of others, because one believes one is in a normal state of mind. (If you don’t know about your depression and it isn’t all that severe, then you start adapting to the alleged fact that this is simply what life feels like. Add a few people who give you the “shit happens, c’est la vie” -stuff, and you’re stuck in that mindset.)

    But also, it made me realize that most people are bad at detecting depressions and mental disorders; they are inclined to think that either one has a bad day or that one’s character is of a more “grouchy” kind of nature. The latter is the worst I’ve had to endure in terms of the social effects of a depression - being assigned the role of the asshole, coward, loser, lost thinker…you name it. While I agree that everyone seems to have specific personal experiences with their depression, this really being harrassed (or at least, the subjective perception thereof) seems to constitute a very general feature of a depression, and it HAS to be communicated to the ones around you that this is the very least you need.

    Depression is sometimes viewed from a more positive angle: it startles your reflection on important life issues, your own mistakes and those of friends and relatives; changes your perspective on the value of the little things in life; makes you reconsider whether your friends are really good company for you.
    My own experience is that this may sometimes be a fruitful attempt at looking at one’s illness, yet it is exactly during (cyclical upswings of) depression that one can’t and shouldn’t change one’s life all that drastically. Moreover, being told by the ones around you that “life can be so great” almost certainly undermines your self-respect because one usually takes these sentences to be directed against your lifestyle and the burden you impose on others. (Needless to say a depression blocks any real kind of lifestyle to begin with.)

    I am writing this because I feel it is paramount to stress the need for communication - among the depressed, but even more between the depressed and the caregivers. In my case, hardly anyone ever took note of the gravity of my situation - someone who always seemed to be so successful in such different areas of life. We usually don’t know much about each other, whether or not we are ill…
    As a remedy for the illness, apart from the right medication and a well-trained and experienced (!) therapist, there is nothing like a few people who really seem to love you and want to find out who you are, so you can “reconstitute yourself” (it really starts becoming a philosophical problem after a while.). So long as they avoid the pitfalls (above.)

25. Allyson 8 Apr 2008 @ 11:12 am

    Is it ever too late to do something? I didn’t have any help when my fiancée and I first started dating. I did all of the wrong things, and he finally said he needed space and left and decided to take a week away from me. That was the point that I realized that I didn’t know anything about the disease living in my home. Is it too late to do something? What can I do for him right now?

26. john 20 May 2008 @ 12:55 pm

    “Depression is a Killer. It will lead to Suicidal thoughts and actions.

    It comes from being idle.”

    This is soooo true. I would hazard a guess that 90% of depressed people lead the very definition of a sedentary lifestyle which means zero physical exercise, zero mental exercise or both. They get up and go to work… and that’s it.

    No social practice and no physical practice - eventually, the body and mind wear down to the brink of exaustion = critically bored with life.

    If I didn’t have a family: I would have flipped this world and this existence the bird LOOOOONG ago.

    I’ve seen a multitude of individual posts on this site that tote drugs as the ‘only’ true answer for someone who is clinically depressed.

    If one who is severely depressed well understands the effects of various mind altering drugs on the brain…. how can a DR. honestly expect this person (who already admits to him/herself that there is a chemical imbalance in their body) to injest such substances in their right mind?

    Fromgodknowswhere-X is MORE safe than the garbage they’re putting in depressed peoples mouths (I would haphazard a guess).

    I lost site with this post as I’m rambling now.

27. john 20 May 2008 @ 12:56 pm

    sight…. I’m not ‘that’ bad at spelling

28. peter 20 Jun 2008 @ 5:25 am

    who do you know if someone is depressed?
    What are the symptoms?

    My father says he had depression and he couldnt get out of his bed in the morning etc/
    My wife who I think has depression is able to get out of bed and focus on her job and our son only. I am told that being able to focus on your job and that alone is enough, anything more than that and they shut down.
    My wife has no labido, breaks down in into tears frequently, is always tired and exhausted. She works, goes to her parents house (she lives with them t the moment as they do everything for her), sees to our son, does work in preparation for the next day and then goes to bed early as she is exhausted.
    We have a son aged 19 months. All my wife thinks about is her work and our son. Nothing else and nothing else comes in the way of this. Yet when I can get her to go out to a gig or the park, she is a different person, like the old person I knew.
    She frequently tells me shes feeling low, shattered, exhausted, fed up, nothing to wear, getting old (aged 36), grey hair, lines on face, doesn’t believe she is beautiful and yet I have told her this for x10 years. She lives in a cacoon where she goes to bed early and alone and curls up in the corner of the bed.
    Now she wont let me see my son more than x1 night per week and it has to be at my parents and not back in our own house. Sometimes to look at her she is like a blank canvas and its as if the real person has been stolen from me.
    What can I do?
    She suffered from depression at the age of 19 and was put on beta blockers then by the Dr.
    She is on thyroxine now but is it the correct level?
    One minute shell phone me up crying that she needs help and she cant do something, and the next shell text me clinically back to her old cold self.

    help!

29. james 21 Jun 2008 @ 9:30 pm

    Anna has replied to this comment privately but please contribute if you would like to.

30. A..R. 22 Jun 2008 @ 4:29 pm

    The most dificult thing of being depress is when your couple does not care if you are or not

31. sh 23 Jun 2008 @ 12:41 am

    Ooooh this has been interesting reading. I love all the shareing of experiences. I have been a wife, exwife,carer and friend to a person suffering depression for the last 12 years (diagnosed) and i feel the pain and saddness of you all. What helps? All this,everything helps. Knowing there are heeps of people surviving, loving and striving for life and love. My strength is to support the children we have brought into this world who deserve all the knowledge of depression available. As adults its difficult to understand children seem to get it so lats teach them who knows what they can inturn teach us.
    Stength and optimism to you all

32. sue 23 Jun 2008 @ 5:32 am

    Peter hang in there read everything you can just remember it is the illness not your wife look after yourself and your son when you can as you are of the best support if you stay strong
    be patient understanding loving non judgmental all those other really positive attributes
    Good luck to you all

33. blanche 19 Jul 2008 @ 6:21 pm

    - /
    tomato, tomato, John. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. In my case, my prescription medicine has save my life. I’m also fortunate to have a significant other who has learned to practice most of the items in the post.

34. blanche 19 Jul 2008 @ 6:22 pm

    Ok, tomato, toMAHto

35. Marissa 29 Jul 2008 @ 9:35 pm

    I know. I am always depressed. The worst, though, is when someone acually wants to talk about it, when I finish saying something, they start talking about how they feel…It makes me think I can’t trust them.

36. A.J. 16 Aug 2008 @ 9:38 pm

    An excellent list. It’s very important for the friends and family of depressed persons to be aware of the ‘What Not to Say’ side of things just as much as this list, because in a depressed state, the most insignificant comments can ruin a person’s day.

    To everyone sharing their stories here, thank you, and keep holding on. Caregivers especially, I applaud you and your efforts.

37. Ali 29 Aug 2008 @ 9:53 am

    I am so heartened with the comments of the caregivers. I plan to print them and hand them to the depressed person I live with. Maybe it will help them see the damage they inflicte on the lives of the people they claim to love.

    It would be so helpful to hear from other caregivers who have solutions for keeping their sanity and joy in life. In many ways I have come to look at myslef as the, “home health care worker”. who just lives here. Maybe the question should be, “How do you live with a depressed person and not sink into the mire yourself? and at what point do you decide that you are worth living a life where there is not a constant drain on your spirit?” I’m not sure that anyone should be asked to surrender their inner spirit because someone else feels that sadness is the happiest way to be..

38. Bianka 31 Aug 2008 @ 1:54 am

    To the comment above me - I can not believe someone actually wrote that… that is the coldest thing I have ever heard.
    I found this site very helpful, I am currently going through a crazy time with my boyfriend who is for the past few months and especially weeks completely depressed. I always was aware of depression but I never had it hit this close to home and I have to say that before tonight I don’t think I knew what was really going on. I’ve been reading sites with depression information for the past 2 hours and everything is connecting. All the comments he makes and things he does and says that I took personally and cried over I see is the illness not the real him. I like the quote “don’t confuse the person with the illness” and that’s gotta be hard. We’re both young [20 years old] and we’ve been together for 2 years and up until tonight all I’ve thought about was how I can help him and what I can do for him but some of the caregiver paragraphs aren’t very encouraging. I feel strong right now and all I want to do is help my boyfriend but reading some of the sad stories of caregivers with depressed wives/husbands I’m scared that I won’t always be this strong. I guess I have a lot to think about so thank you everyone for posting, I wasn’t planning on saying anything but as I kept reading comments more and more things got clearer for me and I’m hoping someone reading this will realize something they didn’t know before too. If nothing else, you are not alone. I feel it’s important for a caregiver to hear that too.

39. Jane 8 Sep 2008 @ 4:53 pm

    In terms of Ali’s response above, I can vouch for how painful it is for the people closest to the one suffering from depression. It is a helpless feeling. Yes, her post was cold, but also understandable. I recommend a book by Anne Sheffield entitled “Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond”. She talks about a partner approach to healing, but also about how to set boundaries to preserve your own sanity, as the caregiver. Bianka, you sound like you are in this for the long haul and, having lived with a depressed husband for nearly 19 years, I can tell you it is not easy. Love is often a choice, an effort…but with both medical treatment and counseling, we are still together and will overcome.

40. Carl-Eric Dupuis 22 Sep 2008 @ 5:58 pm

    Listen, comprehend, support. Be the leg up they need but let them get on dont try and force them.

    And for the depressed, 3 words. Scream. It. Out. It doesnt solve anything, but i get a kick from it, might not work for everyone but i at least get a little inner peace.

41. priya 3 Oct 2008 @ 8:15 am

    i would say don’t judge support thats all.

42. phil 30 Oct 2008 @ 1:07 pm

    Re What to say to a depressed person… a reply aimed at caregivers.

    I feel sorry for the caregivers to my depressed brothers and sisters. Their plight is horrible, in my opinion, if they have lost their sense of individuality.
    In my opinion, I’ve been a poor caregiver to an ex-partner who is an alcoholic, (who has untreated alcoholism and depression) because I thought it was my job to make the person better. When the relationship ended in domestic violence, I had a breakdown. Through counselling and complimentary therapy I discovered that I hadn’t been taking care of myself: my dietary, social and exercise parts of my life had been neglected. More importantly, I had lost my identity as a person, because I was so wrapped up in the emotional, physical and psychological dramas of the alcoholic/depressive/angry behaviour. I’ve been treated for major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder ever since, although I feel that I have suffered depression from puberty. My caregiver (new) partner is also a depressed person, which I think ironically, is a good thing - we have the potential to understand each other, although there are times when we are both too ill to support each other. I am being cared for and I care for my depressed partner.

    I feel the suggestions given above are excellent guidelines for ways to communicate with depressed people, and as other commenters have said, I would agree that we have to listen to our depressed family and friends to find out how to help them if they want our help. The last paragraph in 4. Offer to Help , is the best advice for a carer, in my opinion.
    “…don’t let it totally consume YOUR life.”
    Most importantly for carers, I feel it is essential that they have enough time for themselves, that they get respite, have a outside life and maintain their sense of individuality. That way, they can be fit to help someone else.

    All the best

43. sassy 22 Nov 2008 @ 9:33 pm

    i have depression for the first time at age 41. not sure if it’s hormonal, preceeding empty nest, life, etc. it feels like everything. i think people live too long anyway. i am scared what i am going to do with life if i live another 30 years. it terrifies me. i think i have had mild depression 2 other times in my life. once at age 23 and again at age 31 or so, milestones of change, first year marriage, second when kids entered school first time now, them going off. i can’ t find any hobbies that i stick with or jobs that interest me enough t o get up for. my husband works so not a problem with that but i need things to fill my days and i feel SO LOST and BORED. everyone works and seems to have a life. strange. I don’t have severe depression but was told now i am bipolar. possible true my brother commited suicide at age 40 so maybe that is the age we tend to lose our minds in my family. my mom and sisters also have mental issues but not severe. mom is ocd sisters is moody and other sister is AdHD and depressive. Life is just weird.

44. Annie Bankss 27 Nov 2008 @ 4:11 am

    I think this articles is quite sensible. Caretakers need to be educated and counselled about the way they will be handling the depressed people. It is very difficult for a normal person who has not gone under depression to know how it feels. I have read many comments above given by depressed people I am sure it will be a good advice for other care takers as it has directly come from themouth of people who are depressed.

    Annie Bankss
    Get Rid Of Your Depression

45. Katie 4 Dec 2008 @ 3:10 pm

    How would you approached a loved one that has depression but will not admit it? I have noticed my other half to tick a lot of boxes suggesting he has depression however he is so irritable about his moods that I do not know how to advise him to go and see someone. We have talked a lot in the past about his moods and he has trouble pin pointing where his negative thoughts root from. I feel if i tell him that I think he is depressed he will take offense, he is a very proud person and likes to have a persona of a person in controll. I also think he may be verging on OCD is this a common symptom?

46. james 4 Dec 2008 @ 11:57 pm

    Thanks for the comment.

    I am not qualified to give you professional advice. I am not sure what is the best way to bring it up, but maybe you could use the word “feelings” rather than mood. It’s always good to put things as a question rather than a statement as this is less confronting. Maybe say something like, “Remember we discussed how you are feeling in the past? How do you feel about going to the doctor together so we can get some advice?”

    It’s very difficult, I know to talk to your partner. Make sure you pick a good time to do it. Maybe he will be relieved that you are taking the initiative in getting help. I hope it goes well.

47. Sarah 23 Dec 2008 @ 2:54 pm

    To be honest I never thought I’d write on one of these internet blogs but I’m having a very hard time today so here I am…. my partner is extremely plagued my depression and refuses to get any help. For example as of right now he’s been in bed for 20 hours and wont get up. It makes me so sad and helpless I just dont know what to do but I feel I cant talk to anyone about it as he would get upset with me. He wont talk to any friends at all anymore, doesnt work, wont see his family… and then what makes it worse is I cant admit to any of this and have to come up with excuses and I just dont know what to do anymore.. and to make it worse when he does go around his family, which is a big accomplishment for him, they just rag on him for not being around more and yell at me for “not making him”… ATTENTION FAMILY MEMBERS OF DEPRESSED PEOPLE!—-get off your ignorant self serving high horses!!!

48. Vicki 6 Jan 2009 @ 3:48 am

    I have been reading these posts and have had to print them to read when I get home (as I am now at work). I am struggling to know how to help my partner who is suffering severe depression. He is emotionally abusive towards me and I know it is the depression and not him. I love him but he is no longer accepting my love. After five years he has just told me I am better off without him and has pushed me away. Am I supposed to accept this and leave him alone - like his family have done? He now drinks every night and only leaves the house to buy food, alcohol or go to work. He spends all his time in front of the TV and this pains me to know this. Does he really want me to leave him alone? I don’t know. We used to hold each other for hours but now he won’t even accept a hug from me. I want to force him to accept my hug, but is this the right thing to do? I am now scared of saying the wrong thing.

49. annie 7 Jan 2009 @ 1:52 am

    I’ve had depression all my life. I hate to say a bad parent who says you are no good when your growing up can increase this problem, at least for me and have alot of anger inside because of that. I’ve been on alot of meds and like to be alone, always afraid of people hurting me by what they might say. What works for me is by helping others who are less fortunate than me and takes the me away and thinking about someone else-maybe that might help someone out there-thanks, annie

50. TygaIye 7 Jan 2009 @ 3:00 pm

    Iam a caregiver. I have been honing my caregiving skills since I was a child. First my mother then in most of the people I have been in relationships with. I just recently found out my partner suffers from depression and has a mother who is bi polar. Depression affects more people than you can imagine. All the advice I have read is very helpful and I can look back and see the mistakes I made caregiving. I will try to be a better caregiver this time around. Love is the only motivator I have for taken on this again. Sometimes I wonder will I ever be with someone that is not suffering or is everone suffering.

51. Vicki 7 Jan 2009 @ 8:53 pm

    I have been reading the information on this site over and over. I feel like i am failing at careing for my partner. Yesterday I arrived home from work to find him sitting at home having been drinking all day (he had taken the day off work). He didnt want to talk to me or let me touch him. He told me we wanted me to leave and return to my family (I have moved a long way to be with him and if I return home I may never see him again). He said asking me to move to be with him was a mistake and it would be easier for him if I left (which would mean he would have no one in his life). Said it would be better for everyone if he died in his sleep. I felt helpless and could’t help him. How can I leave someone I love to suffer and destroy their life? My health is suffering also, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make things worse for him but I don’t want to leave him alone - he has no friends and he does not speak to his family (who do not beleive in depression). I’m using this site to vent. As I have no one to vent to. I have exhausted my friends and I know it hurts my mum if I cry to her - she wants me to leave him for my own health. I am ow at work holding back the tears. Wondering what he is doing to himself. He is a good man, he can be funny, warm and makes me feel safe - we have had good times together and had planned a future together. I don’t see him as weak or mean (as my friends who don’t understand what he is going through do - of course their words will never stop me from loving him).
    Thank you to the people who organise this site. It helps to be able to vent and read advice and read the posts of others feeling the same emotions. Also good to hear from those suffering from depression as it helps to have an insight as to what he is feeling.
    Thanks again.

52. sammi 19 Jan 2009 @ 9:43 am

    to vicki above. i am going thro the same thing. my hubby and i were so in love, but over the last months he changed into this unloving person i didnt recognise. i kept loving him but got no return. he lost interest in everythin, just sat smoking staring at tv all night. i could feel him slippin thro my fingers but couldnt stop it happenin. he suddenly packed on new years day n left. he now says he wants a single life, living alone without me in it. he says really hurtful things that make me cry and i find this hard to accept as he never had a nasty streak. i dont speak, text or ring him cos he doesnt want me to, he says he needs space. i hurt and think abut him 24/7. my hubby left the house and died that day. now a stranger lives in his body…but i wont give up, i cant.

53. liz 21 Jan 2009 @ 9:23 am

    my fiance’ had a terrible year last year. He’s 22, and still lives at home. Family is important to him. Last year he found out his dad was cheating with someone he now lives with, his mother filed for divorce. He also lost a long standing trial for a malpractice suit he filed against a doctor that misdiagnosed him years ago. He’s been sad and lonely all year. I’ve tried going places with him and taking him new places. We’ve been together since I was sixteen and I’ll be 21 next month. Today is our 4 year anniversary, but yesterday he told me he needed a break. He’s depressed and he finally admits it. I knew he was depressed a long time ago, and I often encouraged him to speak to his mom’s psychiatrist; she is also depressed. I’m hurt and lonely, and most of all scared. I’m scared that things will never go back to being the same way, and that he’ll never want to be with me again. I want to help him, but he doesn’t want to talk to me. He knows I’m hurt and he says he wants to get help so that he doesn’t hurt me or himself anymore. He hasn’t been eating, and he’s been hardly drinking anything, and he never gets more than a few hours of sleep. I love him sooo much, but I don’t know how I should help him. Do I let him slip away and try to help himself? or do I not back down and try to be there for him even though he said he wants to be alone?

54. sammi 21 Jan 2009 @ 3:13 pm

    liz i feel the same as you. i’m scared that at the end of this he wont want to be with me again. its just a waiting game that we have to play to see if we win or loose. my husband wont speak to me either and thats so very hard. he has told me to leave him alone so i respect his wishes. its been a week now with no contact. i feel like i’m the one person who can help him thro this and he wont let me. i hae thinking of him going thro this alone, i just wanna go to where he is and cuddle him so tight and tell him i love him..but i cant, he needs space.
    he knows where i am when and if he needs me again.

55. liz 26 Jan 2009 @ 8:11 am

    Sammi, Chris told me yesterday that the reason he can’t be with me is because he pushed me away. He said that instead of being 110% in love with me he’s only maybe 40%. But I found out he’s been spending time a neighbor girl, he says he can talk to her because her mom was depressed. He can’t talk to me because his feelings are too personal to be shared with someone he was so close to. I’m trying to help him, but the big problem was that when he and i first started dating she wanted him, and he knew that. I’m just afraid he’ll turn to her instead of me, and then fall in love with her.
    I feel the same way about chris. I feel like I’m the only one who can help him through it too, but I can’t leave him alone. I call him to make sure he’s ok, and I quit telling him I love him when I say goodbye. I told him when he’s ready and if he’s ready to love me again. I”ll be here because no matter what he does I’ll always love him.

56. sammi 26 Jan 2009 @ 2:54 pm

    Liz,
    my husband also has turned to another woman 4 comfort. i did accuse him of havin an affair with her but he insists she’s just someone he can talk to in confidence, which could be very true as he can speak to women easier then men, so i have to give him the benifit of the doubt. i spoke to him on the phone last night. he’s still soundin arrogant and nasty altho he is still willing to give it two months to sort his head out. he says he gets sometimes when he does miss me and thinks he should return home, but he still needs time with minimum contact. i told him i love him and he said i know u do..i said do u love me and he said a little bit. it really hurts to have been so in love at one time only to be told he dont know if he loves me anymore. keep in touch liz, think we can help each other. chin up sweetie (altho sayin that makes no difference as i well know) :-)

57. liz 27 Jan 2009 @ 8:48 am

    sammi,
    Chris and I also had a similar conversation yesterday. I asked him if he ever thought he would be in love with me again and he said that in order to love me more he needs to start missing me. He needs to realize what he’s missing in his life by not being with me. I truly feel for you. I hope we can help one another through this. I feel like it’s starting to make me depressed and I know that can’t happen.

58. sammi 28 Jan 2009 @ 7:50 am

    two days later and he’s changed his mind AGAIN. now he doesnt love me anymore, doesnt want to try and is gonna see a solicitor. i begged him to think again but he’s adamant. he chops and changes his mind all the time, i dont know whats going on. i dont even know if he’ll see a solicitor or if thats just the ilness talking to get a reaction from me. he admits he often says things to get a reaction.
    i was starting to sort myself out agin but now i’m rock bottom. just spent all day crying. there is no logical explanation for how the love of my life has turned into this person i dont know anymore.

59. Paul 31 Jan 2009 @ 2:46 pm

    It seems to be mostly ladies here, but I’m going post from a male caregiver perspective.
    Sometimes depression can be imposed from the outside by events. Case in point, my wife of over 30 years. Three years ago our son was murdered. There is nothing worse for a parent to have one of their children taken from them in this was. We both became depressed. I’ve managed to learn to live with it and have basically climbed out of the hole I was in. My wife on the other hand has not for the most part been able to do that. She has a family history of depression, both her Mother and only Sister suffer from it. So I suppose she was prone to it all along, but kept it fairly well hidden. She has see a doctor for it and was prescribed anti-depressants, whicgh she now refuses to take because she says “I don’t need them” and “they are too expensive”. Now even little things drive her over the edge. She’ beat the dog the other day while I was gone because he got into the cat food and ate it. She yells and screams at her grandson just because he does things that a 4-year-old does. Living with her is like walking through a mine field. Miss the land mines and it OK. Step on one, and the anger boils to the surface. I’ve asked her why she’s so angry and all she will say is “I don’t know”.
    Now yesterday she went to buy some new jeans for a trip we are planning. She got home, put them on and they were to small. She flew off the handle, burned rubber down the street, and returned them. Since that time she has refused to eat, talk to me, or do anything except sit in front of the TV. She even refused to go with me last night on our weekly date with some close freinds. I went but was forced to make excuses for her.
    I guess I’m a care giver, or perhaps I’m an enabler, maybe a little of both, but I must tell you that there is nothing more stressful than living with a spouce who has this condition.

60. liz 3 Feb 2009 @ 7:44 am

    Sammi,
    As much as I loved Chris, Im done with him. He cheated on me and lied to me. He hurt me so much and says he doesn’t know what he wants. I can’t be with someone who would sleep with someone else and say its because they were confused and depressed. To me there’s no excuse. He put on his aol status that he’s falling for a girl and no one is gonna stop him and then he put her initials. I can’t anymore. I give up.

61. nikoh 12 Feb 2009 @ 5:58 am

    Thank you so much for the information. Im dealing with a boyfriend suffering from bipolar disorder for 11 years now… and there are times that im losing patience with his behavior and i feel that his depressive mood is being triggered by the way i act. Now i know how to deal with him. Thanks!

62. sammi 13 Feb 2009 @ 7:08 am

    Liz,
    I am so sorry, honestly i am. how could he cheat on you? its not fair to you his depresion as an excuse. i know how much you loved him and that you must be dying inside. i’m here for you if you need me x

63. Amber 19 Feb 2009 @ 2:24 am

    I have found all this information so very helpful, I am the carer for my 22 year old twin sister, Who has spent most of her life depressed But as of the past months slipped into a very severe depression, She is on a series of meds, But some days I just feel so defeated, all I want is My sister back, Sometimes I feel like I just cant take it, watching her waste away and not want to get out of bed and I would get angry and always wonder why she just couldn’t” snap out of it”, But reading your info I realized I was wrong, So now I will do my best to give her the proper care she needs, yes someday I just want to have a “normal” life, But then I realize that this is my sister and she is ill, and I am determined to not give up and hope my strength will give her strength. To all the carers out there, keep your head up, some days are worse then others, and remember that REAL friends and GOOD family will be there for you too.

64. Dottie 24 Feb 2009 @ 11:27 pm

    My husband is currently experiencing Mid Life Crisis depression. He has been verbally abusive to me intermittently for 25 years and I’ve built up a wall, not ever knowing when the next verbal backlash will come. He’s always worked hard and been a good provider and we’ve raised two wonderful productive kids. We’ve never had a friendship though. It’s been more of a business arrangement. In the past, I could not trust him at all with my feelings. If ever I was vunerable, or let my guard down, I left myself wide open for attack. Now, at age 52, he is pitiful and pathetic as he has lost interest in literally everything, is self loathing, wants to stay in bed and has no interest in anything at all. But what he does want is for me to pay attention to him and hug him and talk to and/or encourage him. I am trying to do this, but resenting him at the same time for all the years he was an unnecessary ars to me and I put up with it, mostly for the kids sake. Now, he’s reaching out to me for sympathy, which being a nurse is not that difficult, but this chip on my shoulder is a definite problem.

65. Dani 26 Feb 2009 @ 9:50 pm

    In response to Dotti and several other cargivers on this forum, I hear you. I understand its not easy for the depressive or the caregiver, I offer all the support the world could give him, he has the most loving parents and family anyone could ask for. But when you have that feeling of being taken for granted for your money, your lisence, your responsibility for getting up and going to work and you have to be his alarm clock, and you cook for him when he’s hungry and before even trying it throws an insult at a perfectly good meal, it tends to take its toll as well. Just last night we got back from a social gathering, nice dinner with friends, a few drinks, I asked him if I could go home because we both had work the next day and it was already dawning on 1am. One thing led to another and I find myself cowering in the feetal position in the shower because he’s just thrown a full bottle of multi purpose cleaner at me at lighting speed. How, as a caregiver, how long do you put up with the physical and verbal abuse when the depressive himself is not willing to listen or accept any form of help at all? I’m only 19, I moved from one side of the country to the other to be with him, and this is what I get? I love him! God knows I love him! Everyone says, just leave him…. WHY would I do that?! How could I just walk away from such a vicious and harsh disease that has taken over his beautiful and loving personality? I know its there, we’ve been so happy these last few weeks, then like a light switch, SNAP! And I nearly end up calling the police on him and an ambulance for myself. What do you do in these situations when personal safety is at steak?

66. james 27 Feb 2009 @ 8:02 pm

    Anna has sent a reply offline, but please continue to post helpful comments.

67. Shine 2 Mar 2009 @ 12:47 am

    Two simple, similar answers to two tough, different problems:

    To Dottie: you overcome your fear of facing this hard truth, and talk to your “business partner” about what you feel your relationship really is, how it prevents you from giving him sincere attention, and how you both can work together to change it. Good or bad, whatever it leads to, so be it because it will be what needs to happen. Not doing so will ultimately destroy you in the form of health problems due to the relentless stress.

    To Dani: you overcome your fear of facing this hard truth, and talk to your guy about how his abusive behavior makes you feel, that it can’t continue, depression or not, and how you both can work together to change it. Good or bad, whatever it leads to, so be it because it will be what needs to happen. Not doing so will ultimately lead to either you getting seriously injured (or worse), or the relentless stress will ruin your life. You’re way too young to be in this trap.

    Bottom line people, if you and your significant others can’t explore the farthest depths of your problems in a productive, positive way, then a deep, loving relationship you do not have.

    (Sorry this had nothing to do with dealing with depressive mates, but Dottie and Dani’s posts seemed to reach out more for relationship help.)

68. S 2 Mar 2009 @ 10:00 am

    I suffered from severe depression from the time I was about 15 to when I was 32. It was about feeling lonely, not being to relate to anyone, feeling judged everytime I told someone I needed help. It’s hard to make friends when you are depressed.

    When I met my husband, he listened and didn’t judge and accepted my situation. He just listened and didn’t walk away the way dozens of people before him had. He let me tell him the whole story. His friendship helped me get out of the very dark spot.

69. Jenny 2 Mar 2009 @ 7:02 pm

    My boyfriend is 18 years old and when ever we have a disagreement he always ends up sad and blames himself. He says things like “nobody cares about me.” “i’m stupid.” “I hate myself.” I don’t want to be like this.” I try to help but this keeps happening.

    Can someone give advice to make him feel better about himself?

70. jay 9 Mar 2009 @ 10:30 am

    first time on site, like the comments. ever since i lost my wife many years ago (i blame myself for her death ) , i have been suffering from various degrees of depression. sometime I come out of it and the sometimes it takes a long time to come out. Many nights I go to bed and start thinking that I dont want any friends and that noboby loves me even though I know that I do have a few friends. I did try dating once but I didnt like it becouse of my age (past 60 ) The reason why I dont like dating is because I dont want to get involved with someone and then that if that person dies , I dont know if I can go through that again. The reason that I blame myself for my wifes death is that secretly I was haveing and affair with someone else (not physically but only in my mind) I gues you can call it fantsizing. So because of all of the past happenings I have become what some people call a hermit. There are many times that I just dont want any friends or people in my life. I cant go to any doctors because I dont have any money or job. After reading some of the comments from other people I can concur with them also about my symptoms. I watch too much televison and like to sleep a lot I try to exercise when I feel like it. I do eat ok I guess that this about all I have to say right now. Thanks for listening to me I feel a little better that I said what I said. Oh by the way I did talk to a minister at one time and He said that I need to get involved with a support group. Might be hard to do that since I have no transportation.

71. Shirley Johnson 16 Mar 2009 @ 10:54 am

    I have been reading about all the people with deppression and can understand because I have had it all of my life. My first real bad spell was when I was twelve.Back then (I’m 58 now) no one new what was wrong with me including myself.I shut myself in my room for three years and would not come out . I have struggled with It to varying degrees over the years and have tried to kill myself more than once.I am on medication which helps some of the time but not always. The worst part has been the lack of understanding from my family and all my friends but one.I do understand how hard it is on the other people in my life but I don’t know what I can do . I just wish people would not be so judgemental and could still love me . I have been living alone for a long time now because I don’t feel anyone would stay with me for long and not end up leaving me so I won’t let myself love again.I see a psychiatrist and a therapist but I don’t know if things will ever be much better for me , because who will ever accept my illness and want to be with me anyway?

72. Peggy 22 Mar 2009 @ 2:06 pm

    What heart felt responses at this site. I am 48 and have been battling severe depression for the last 10 years. It has cost me much in life and as sick as I am of this demon it still seems to be such a close call every day as to who is winning. It has cost me my marriage - my ex-husband just couldn’t understand. His response to my pain was always “get over it” and “it’s just in your head”. Just what always helps right?!?! He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t communicate and just kept telling me to get help. I hope you read this Shirley Johnson, I would love to communicate with you. I feel your pain and feel the same as you. Depression has cost me so much in my life and I want and need help to beat this demon. I think we could help each other. I have bookmarked this page and I hope you have too.

73. Jen 23 Mar 2009 @ 11:14 am

    I would like to be the caregiver but my boyfriend of nearly 7 years keeps pushing me away and thinks therapy wouldn’t help…he wants to figure out on his own how to deal with his depression. he wants me to move on but I’ve been persistent at keeping our relationship going, barely, for the past two years. I’m not getting the love I need and it’s hard not feel rejected. It’s getting harder to keep trying at what’s left of “us”.

    I want to protect myself and my sanity, but I fear letting him go. I worry that without love and support he’ll get worse.

    I was wondering what the consensus of this discussion group would be: do you let the depressive retreat from you if that’s what they want?

74. Shine 1 Apr 2009 @ 2:40 pm

    Jen, have you thought about a compromise? What if you two agreed to separate for a short time and reconvene to see if feelings have changed? Perhaps he can have contact with you in case he needs to reach out during the break?

    When I read your post, I had three thoughts: 1) boyfriend of 7 years… no further commitment in sight? Was this ever an issue? 2) if he really wanted to break up, is using his depression a comfortable way for him to do it? Does he solve other problems in his life the same way, shutting himself away from them? 3) Do you smother him in your efforts to help, not leaving him enough room to try his ways to deal with it?

    I wish I could be more definitive in answering your last question, but it’s hard to know without knowing more, and from both sides. Hope any of this helps.

75. daisy 1 May 2009 @ 11:05 am

    I just found this forum while looking for advice on caring for a depressed parent. My father nursed his dad through death, and now 5 years later has done the same thing for his mother. He’s devoted the last seven years of his life to his parents and virtually neglected all other aspects including work, dating, and living on his own. What he has done is noble, but I also think it was an escape from his own reality of a failed business. He’s always equated career success with self worth and wants to leave a legacy for people, planet and family. He’s in his sixties now, and I worry about a full-on depression taking hold now that his preoccupation (parental care) is gone. I don’t want him to throw away what time he has left. I want to see him once again embrace life. He’s very proud and I could never get him to formal therapy. Does any one have advice on how to gently nudge him back out into the world? He is gregarious when he wants to be, an amazing cook, teacher, and formerly fearless entrepreneur. He’s been retreating for too long. I want my dad back.

76. seeker 5 May 2009 @ 12:23 pm

    My husband is back in the depths of depresion - in the well I can not understand because I don’t suffer, thank goodness, from clinical depression. We got some news that we’d really been hoping would be different and about which he’d maybe gotten his hopes up for. He drinks when he feels utterly hopeless now, (today was an episode) and I don’t know how to help one or both of us. When we were married the first time he drank (self-medicated) most of the time (we were married for 4 years, divorced for 11 and have been remarried for just over 2) and finally, we needed to not be together as my compassion meter was not yet installed. Most days now, I manage to step on the side of compassion but admit my reactions are not always supportive. The short of it is I struggle too - especially with our recent news - and get frustrated. He doesn’t work outside our home these days and as the primary caregiver and breadwinner, I am at a loss. He doesn’t believe the meds or therapy help and can’t find the way out. He often talks of suicide meaningfully and I just don’t know if going to the ER would actually help - if they would admit him or help in any way. How to keep life moving…

77. An observer 8 May 2009 @ 4:41 pm

    Reading through many of these posts, an interesting thing can be observed: not too many people are helping others, not too many are consistent with the title of this forum: Things to Say to Someone With Depression. A whole lotta one thing going on: “me me me.” So here’s my Thing to Say: maybe you’re mired in depression because you think too much about yourself, take yourself too seriously, make everything in life about you. Try thinking about others, helping others, and not making everything about you you you.

    Don’t like this piece of optimistic, helpful (albeit blunt) advice? Is it because you think helping someone else will somehow put them ahead of you in the game of life? Try it, and you’ll be surprised.

78. Dom 11 May 2009 @ 5:43 am

    My girlfriend has been going through depression for the past few years. We have been dating for 6 years since we were 16 years old. She keeps telling me that she doesn’t have friends, don’t look good, don’t know how to dress, and that everyone hates her. She doesn’t want to do anything and have no goals in life. She said she would want something in the future but she doesn’t want to work for it. Recently, we have been quarelling alot and she is becoming a little overbearing and easily angered. I really love her so much and don’t want her to be sad all her life. I want her to be happy again. So please, if anyone can help. Please give me advice on how to get her out of depression. Please.

79. Tom 12 May 2009 @ 11:49 am

    I have found this page and comments so helpful and really glad I found it now. I have so much respect for the carers. I’m getting to know someone who suffers from depression and find it difficult to know how to be a good friend to them, how much more difficult it must be for you. You are truly an amazing bunch of people!

80. Azuree 27 May 2009 @ 4:53 am

    When someone speaks of suicide - that is a cry for help. Forget about phony responses, and Get them professional help!
    Unless you are a trained professional - get them the help they need. If your loved one were seriously hurt physically, you wouldn’t hessitate to get them help. People who speak of suicide, especially often are desperate, and feel hopeless. Don’t try to be a hero, just call 911 if necessary.

81. seth 8 Jun 2009 @ 4:29 am

    So if I am to understand what everyone is saying, we (the people who are not in “depression”), should walk on egg shells around the depressed person. We should be very careful not to say anything that might possibly upset them because then we will make their problem worse. Does anyone see the lack of accountability here. Just like children, people will continue to do what gives them the kind of attention they seek (In this case, pity). I come from a place where being depressed is not optional and when you fall down, you take some time to dust yourself off, but then you get back up and keep going. I don’t say this to offend anyone. I think if more people thought of it this way and realized that they are in control of their mental state, we would have a lot less pills circulating.

82. Oxnardi 10 Jun 2009 @ 4:45 am

    No. I’ll not play into another’s self imposed victim status. Snap the hell out of it, go help someone with worse problems than your own. See a doctor about meds, but don’t expect me to baby you.

83. Kylie 13 Jun 2009 @ 12:17 am

    Spent ages reading all the blogs and figured it was the best place to get some advice!! My boyfriend of 6 months has been ‘absent’ for the last 2 months. By absent I mean absolutely no contact apart from a few days a couple of weeks ago when he came out of his shell. My only contact is with his Mom and I know this absences covers his family, kids, ex-wife, work. I don’t want to make it about me although I have spent many hours wondering what I have done and if it’s his way of telling me we are over. I know that’s not the case and feel particularly heartened reading the blogs from carers and sufferers alike. Any advice what to do? Its fine if you have contact to say/do all the right things but what if your contact just becomes one sided? The sentbox on my phone looks like some secret diary!! I miss him and I want him back, his Mom said the same this morning when she called me in tears and threatened to disown him!! How do you get someone to ask/seek help when they block everyone and everything out? How pushy should you be??

84. Scott M. Bruner 16 Jun 2009 @ 6:20 am

    I’m amazed at the number of comments here from people who say things like “I’ll not help your self-victim status,” or “stop thinking about yourself” or…on the ‘things not to say’ someone said depression is just being weak.

    The whole, people are worse off than you, so stop being depressed - does nothing but feed depression. I KNOW! I had to quit the Peace Corps in a country where people are insanely poor to come back and spent hundreds of dollars a week in therapy/psych bills to battle it.

    The guilt, though, isn’t going to help, nor is being angry at yourself for “being weak.” Those of us on depression already hate ourselves enough - we don’t need you to add things onto the self pity/loath fest we put ourselves through. If you really want to help us commit suicide, though, this is an excellent approach - knowing that OTHER PEOPLE THINK THE SAME THINGS WE THINK ABOUT OURSELVES if the fastest, most effective way for us to give up.

    So, put a cork in it, if you’ve never suffered from this. Seriously. There’s people on here going through - for whatever reason - something you don’t, and can’t, comprehend. I don’t know what it is, but I imagine there is some link between depression and the first world society most of us live in, a disconnect, a lack of connection with out worlds, I don’t know. What I do know, though, is that it’s real, tangible, and people that suffer from depression need real help, and often professional solutions.

    I can’t read, get up, exercist, be a good fiancee, work, understand, sympathize, or even relate to the world these days. The biggest problem with depression is that…you just don’t see the point in getting better.

    I am lucky enough to have great friends who neither insult me, nor condescend to me, but know that the best treatment for me is to find the people who can truly help me. Hopefully, in time, it will.

    much love to all the people on here who suffer from depression. don’t stop believing.

85. Sasha 16 Jun 2009 @ 9:10 am

    My advice to people trying to help others with depression: save yourselves. You have to have the patience of a Buddha to survive. You will be manipulated, you will feed into their perpetuating cycle of blame. Your attempts at help will be twisted around and you will be demonized by that person. A depressed, or bipolar person does not see you for who you are, they will not see you as an equal. They will use you to fill some fantasized role in their lives. They will project their own thought process onto you. You will be a demon and an angel to them, but never a friend. It’s impossible.

    I also think it’s dangerous to say that depression cannot be overcome, or has to be a lifelong battle. This sentiment is only coming from that same sick thought process. Mood swings and chemical imbalance are symptoms of unresolved inner conflicts. They’re not causes, they’re not genetically set in stone. Even the concept of depression as a disease displaces power away from the hands of the sufferer, rendering them perpetually helpless.

    What I’m saying may not be popular. I do not know how to help another person with depression. I only know what it was like to be depressed and to come out of it. I am sympathetic because I was clinically depressed for a good number of years. Deep dark pits, suicidal ideation, the works. This is why I also attracted individuals with the same emotional tendencies into my life. It took a deep personal journey to see the light. The depressed person has to take a dangerous step in order to look within. See their own innocence and forgive their own dark side. As long as they seek help from the outside, it will never come. To me, coming out of depression meant I had to hit rock bottom and choose between life and death, and I chose life.

    I realize now, depression-free, that no one else could have helped me back then. No other person, no amount of words. I had to look in the mirror alone, I had to realize that I was being evil to myself more than to any other person in the world. And realize that I loved myself and I wanted to live, that if I did not do this, I would die.

86. Sammy 25 Jun 2009 @ 9:20 pm

    I bought a lock today. A green MasterLock. On the back it says there is a sticker that explains how to unlock it. With it and the, much unused, “24 Hour Fitness” card I can go to the gym across the road and swim anytime I want. But it really isn’t about swimming. It is about survival.
    You see, I am depressed. Not your common or garden, just a little down ,sort of depressed, but the real kind. The kind that makes you feel that ending it all would be easier. But, and I know this is part of the cruel truth, I will not end it all. Seductive as the suicide fantasies are, through a chink in the wall of a prison of my own building I occasionally feel glimpses of a happiness I once knew. As long as that happiness exists as a possibility, it is worth pursuing.
    Buying the lock was a small step, and I am not sure if you will ever see it hanging on the door of a locker on the gym across the road… I still want to go there and swim, but for now, it just means I am still alive and hoping.
    At the moment every day is both a challenge and a gift. I want out. This may be only a small clawing step up the slope but I hope it inspires someone.

87. Anon1 27 Jun 2009 @ 3:42 am

    My boyfriend of 21 years and I broke up because I did not know how to communicate with him during his depression. He suffered his whole life with GAD and then last year, he was involved in a car accident. Someone hit him and soon after depression came. He struggled in the beginning greatly and it was very difficult to watch. I tried to encourage him to go to counseling. (He had been receiving medication from his family doctor instead.) Finally about 2 months later he agreed only to get his medication regulated by the psychiatrist. He told me he wouldn’t talk to anyone, he could talk to me. Still I tried to encourage it to no avail. They put him on Wellbutrin first and it seemed to make a marked change in his mood but it gave him heart palpitations so they had to change it. I forget the name of the second med, but it was bad. He told me he thought he was getting worse. I encouraged him to tell the psychiatrist and he did several times. They kept telling him he wasn’t on it long enough, wait. For the next two months he got progressively worse. During the last month we were together he started spending most of his time at home in his room, painting, cleaning, etc. During the last week we were together he started getting nasty and short with me. I felt awful like I did something wrong and unfortunately, I kept asking him if he was mad or what I did? He told me it was him not me but I just couldn’t accept that. He would call and I wouldn’t talk much because I didn’t think burdening him with my daily troubles would be good for him. When he asked I told him as much. When finally I did accept it, I thought perhaps if I gave him a couple days to himself he would be able to relax a little and things would get better. So, I told him that if he wanted to I would leave him alone for a couple of days and that his anger was not something that I needed right now. He then told me he would have to think about it. I asked him if there was anything I could do if he wanted me to call his doctor and see if I could push him to change the medication. He adamantly refused. He even told me that he had stopped talking to me about his depression because he didn’t want to burden me with it. He told me he had to trust they knew what they were doing. I texted him later that night feeling bad about the conversation telling him that I loved him and that when he hurt, I hurt, and on and on and that I just wanted to help. The next two days I called and he talked to me briefly but the conversations were short and during one I told him I missed him since we hadn’t done anything for about a month and he was angry about that. He stopped telling me goodnight and that he liked me. And the last day he spoke to me I called him and he was laying down so I offered to call him later and he was calm then I remember and he said okay that would be good. Later that night when I got back from the gym, I called, his mother answered, and he screamed angrier than I had ever heard him before in our 21 years. Tell her I willl call her back. Approximately half an hour later, he called and told me “It’s over, we’re done, I am breaking up with you.” When I asked why he said “You don’t deserve to know.” After a short silence he hung up. He has since avoided me like the plague. The day after I called his mom and she offered to talk to him about it. He told her that “She’s better off.” His mom also told me that the doctor had changed his medicine that day finally to Paxil. Now I don’t know what to do I love him with all my heart and he shut me out completely because I had no idea how to communicate with him or help him and I ended up pushing him away. Initially I tried sending him texts telling him I didn’t understand what he was going through but I would be there for him and I wasn’t going anywhere. I would call and he wouldn’t answer I even got him some information on Depression as I decided that I should have been trying to get some earlier on. I left copies on his doorstep. (I know that seems pushy but in my defense at the time his computer was broke and he always liked to look things up on the internet. In fact, earlier in his depression, he would come to my house and ask if we could look up his medications on the internet.) I had hoped that might somehow comfort him. Finally after about a month of that, I decided that it might somehow be easier for him if I just let him go. So I sent one last text on May 27 telling him that I agreed with the breakup and that I was sorry for calling his mom and texting and calling so much. I told him that things were going well for me for once and that hopefully one day I could tell him about it. Then I told him that right now I thought maybe it was best if we both had some space. I have in the interim been taking care of me and my own issues, but I miss him so much. I have been trying to give him some space. I even stopped waving when I see him, partly because he doesn’t wave back and partly because I said we both needed space. I don’t know if that is right because I don’t know what his mindset is. I stopped calling his mom because I am sure she has a lot to deal with now and I don’t want to invade his privacy. But the other day, I was on my way to the post office from work and I stopped at the Rite Aid which is right on my way for water and when I came out I saw him coming out of the counseling center. He was sooo thin. I had heard that he had gone back to work about mid-May and thought maybe he was finally on the way to recovery, but he hasn’t gone back to work since sometime in mid-June and I just wish I could do something for him. His job was always very important to him. How do you think he might respond to me trying to get in touch with him again just to let him know I care and that if he ever wants to talk I will be there? I have taken care of some of my own issues that I had been dealing with during his depression using advice he had given me during the course of our relationship and I have been seeking help with how to appropriately communicate with him, but I am afraid that reaching out to him could be too much for him at this stage. I was hoping to get some advice from people who have been through or who are going through depression, so that I can do what is best for him? Should I give him more time and wait and see? Or do you think it could be helpful for him if I reach out?

88. jane 29 Jun 2009 @ 9:18 pm

    My husband (who is depressed)and I have been going through a difficult time with finances lately. I feel that we can overcome them, however, he feels like a failure. He told me he had a thought of driving head on into a truck. He also said it would be easier for him to be on his own so he didnt have to be responsable for me and the kids and let us down. He is working away at the moment and does not like to come home. He tells me a week ago he doesnt know if he loves me anymore.
    I am trying to be supportive and I would do anything for him. I love him madly, but its hard to hear that you may not be loved anymore.
    I havent given up and am giving him his space. Am I doing the right thing ? Any suggestions ?

89. Anon2 29 Jun 2009 @ 11:38 pm

    So… how do you deal with a depressed spouse when you are dealing with depression in your own life? I have suffered on and off from depression since I was a teen. I am off medication right now but …. just barely. I discussed going back on it with my doctor. I have another appointment in 2 weeks to talk about how things are going for me.

    Unfortunately, I recently had a conversation with my sister (She has also been treated for depression as have my brother, my mother and my father) that made me realize all the things that are driving me nuts about my husband echoes my own symptoms. He is likely clinically depressed and likely has been so for quite some time. I have just been frustrated with why, when I most need support I am most on my own. Why, when I can barely get out of bed, is he not paying bills and instead spending all of our money on his own hobbies? Why do our lights and gas and phone keep getting shut off while he always has money to shoot bows, guns, chew tobacco, eat out every day twice a day etc? Why can he not even walk with me in the grocery store but instead just wanders aimlessly? But, of course, I saw this (and still struggle with seeing this) as proof I was dead weight and dragging him down. Proof that I was no good and completely worthless.

    Now he is having trouble with his job. His hours and pay were cut by 1/3 and the facility owner and investors keep coming in and having “meetings” with the company owner. He does get up and go to work and everything (albeit he used to be a great dresser and now he goes in with a grease and ketchup stained striped polo shirt with a wrinkled plaid shirt on top of it) but other than that he just sits. He tries to look for a new job but drives around for 8+ hours without applying for anything. He will pull into parking lots where jobs are posted and sit there for hours before pulling away. The problem is, he tells me I am wrong. He refuses to go to the doctor and I honestly don’t know if I can be the person to support him in this as I struggle so hard myself. And… my poor kids. THey are very aware, very well adjusted (I think) but…. how messed up are we making them???? (They are 13 and 15 at this point.) How do we deserve to be parents when our own lives are soooo messed up? How can I fix this mess when I can’t even fix myself?

90. Anon1 30 Jun 2009 @ 5:12 am

    Jane brings up a very good point. What is the right thing to do? I mean yes, he broke up with me told me I was better off. But I know that it was the depression talking. Most people I talk to say maybe I am better off; I should just move on. One person even suggested that maybe I was codependent, since I wanted to just give him space and wait and see and told me that I just need to get on with my life. I look at it like this though, would I leave him is he had cancer, would I leave his if he had heart disease? This is the same thing. In a world, where you let go of people simply because they are no longer healthy or able to care for themselves, where is the love? I know that I need to take care of me too, so I go to the gym, I have started eating healthier, I go out with the girls at least once or twice a week, etc. but I don’t see how if I love him I am supposed to give up on him? What is the right thing for him though? Generally speaking, I think when someone asks what they should do. Answers generally come bearing the best solution for the asker and not the person they are asking about. I wonder what would a psychiatrist or psychologist tell a depressed person about the people around them? Should I stay with them? Am I a burden? I suspect they are giving the opposite advice. Which make this really a catch 22! What do you think?

91. Judith 30 Jun 2009 @ 11:29 am

    I think that the issue that you raise is so very important. The difference between cancer or heart disease and someone with a mental illness, is that the mental illness can be destructive on a relationship and the others aren’t ( to speak in gross generalisations). Mental illness impairs the ability of the sufferer to relate with others, and often with the person that cares for them. So yes, I would say you should stay with the mentally ill person. However, there are a few things that you must make sure are in place. FIrst, care for yourself, which you appear to be doing. Secondly, ensure that the ill person is receiving treatment. And thirdly, the ill person needs to accept the help from you. I am thinking that that is where the problem is. If he refuses help from you, you can’t force it on him. It’s really hard.