The person with depression usually can’t see a way forward. They may fervently believe that nobody can help them, and life is pointless. That doesn’t mean that they’re right, and there are plenty of things that you can do to help.
The type and amount of care that you can give will depend on your relationship with the person, but here are some ideas.
1. Understand the illness.
Learn all that you can about depression. The better you grasp the illness, the more effective you will be in giving your care and understanding. It will help you to understand why the person behaves the way they do, and better equip you to respond appropriately.
2. Seek Appropriate Treatment
This is such a far-reaching, wide-ranging topic that I would be foolish to give advice. Suffice to say that it will be helpful for you to explore the treatment options available in your area and suggest to the person that they need professional help. It might be helpful for them if you go along to the first or subsequent appointments.
If he or she won’t admit their illness then explain why you are concerned and perhaps provide them with some helpful written information to chew over.
3. Provide Emotional Support
Your partner or friend needs patience, care and understanding. They have a real illness, and just like someone with cancer they can’t just “snap out of it”. If they could, they would. Saying things that show ignorance about the illness is counterproductive and will reinforce their negative thinking.
The best way to communicate is to empathize, listen more than talk, and ask questions like “How can I support you?” or “How can I help?”
4. Keep the Illness Separate
The illness and the person suffering the illness are not the same thing, so keep them separate. When they express pessimism, anger, frustration, or sadness, it is the illness talking not the person. If you separate the two you will find it easier to cope emotionally. It will help you to be a more effective carer.
5. Listen Non-Judgmentally
Don’t try to talk a depressed person out of their feelings, no matter how irrational they sound. This is likely to compound the problem. It is better to remain neutral and say something like “You are obviously really suffering with this. What can I do to help you feel better?” Keep your suggestions, solutions and advice for another time.
6. Make a Plan
Help the person to make a plan for coping with depression. Identify things that trigger or worsen the depression and things that make it better. Think through and list the ideas formally on paper. Help them to put this plan into action. Some positive, helpful things to include are getting to bed early, having adequate sleep, exercising regularly, drinking plenty of water and eating healthy foods.
7. Look after yourself
As a carer you are likely to be under stress. You need to care for yourself by taking time out and recharging your batteries. Find other friends or relatives who you can talk to and rely on at a pinch. Sometimes you will need a sounding-board to keep things in perspective. Make sure you continue to live your own life as well, and spend time doing things you enjoy.
There are services that provide education and support for carers. Through information sessions and support groups, you can talk to people who are in a similar position.
8. Organize their medicines
If your partner or friend is taking medicine for depression then it is crucial for them to follow their prescription. Too many people go on and off their anti-depressants depending on how they feel. This all but eliminates their effectiveness.
I take medicine at night without any problems, but if it wasn’t for my wife handing the pills to me I would never take them in the mornings. She also fills my scripts and tells me when to go to the doctor for more. It’s not laziness; it’s just the nature of depression. More than once I have spent hours in bed staring at my pills, but not had the mental energy to actually take them. If your partner or friend is not complying with their prescription, try to find out how you can help.
9. Support network.
Introduce the idea of joining a support network for depression. This will give them an outlet for discussing their problems and receiving input, and help them to discover that there are other (normal) people experiencing similar problems. There are depression support groups everywhere. Make sure that you find one that is positive and focused on recovery. Inward looking, pessimistic groups can be unhelpful.
10. Get out and About
One of the most therapeutic things that a depressed person can do is step out the front door. Natural light is very beneficial, especially early in the day. Exercise also has proven benefits. Something as simple as taking a walk or gardening should lift the person’s mood. Anything low-key that involves going out can also help; seeing a movie, meeting friends, or going out to eat, just to name a few ideas.
11. Help with daily tasks
When your body is heavy and your mind is dark, there is nothing harder than the burdens of everyday life. Something that seems minor to you may be an insurmountable task to your friend or partner. Ease their burden by helping with the daily load - running errands, doing the shopping, cooking, taking the kids out for a couple of hours. You may be surprised to find that helping with a very simple chore could relieve them of a lot of stress.
12. Spend normal time together
Just spending time with the person lets them know that you care and want to understand their problems. Enjoy the reasons for being their companion in the first place. It’s important that they live as normal a life as possible. Help them to do this by carrying on your relationship with them in a normal fashion. Don’t let everything get dark and serious. Find some positive things and try to enjoy them together.
The points above are very general by necessity. I realize that they don’t fit all circumstances, but I hope that you find at least a few helpful ideas.
42 Responses 
Amanda 18 Aug 2007 @ 1:03 pm
Thank you for this (and your other) helpful, practical post about dealing with a depressed person. My husband (and, by extension, I) has been struggling for a while and today is the day I am finally telling him he needs professional help. I still don’t know exactly how he will handle it, but there are a few good phrases you suggest and an attitude I can adopt so I don’t somehow make things worse. I wish you speed and love in your healing process. Thank you for reaching out at what is surely not an easy time.
MENTAL HEALTH SOURCE PAGE » Blog Archive » Depression Caretakers, Being Productive, Bipolar Disorder Myths 25 Aug 2007 @ 9:00 am
[...] article, “12 Ways to Care for a Depressed Person” suggests ways that you can help someone you love who is depressed. These 12 steps include: [...]
Karen 6 Sep 2007 @ 11:30 am
I FIND WEARING ROSE COLORED GLASSES HELPS LOTS,
IT BRIGHTENS THE WHOLE WORLD
EAT MORE GREENS AND FRESH FRUITS AND VEGTABLES , IT RAISES YOUR ENERGY
AVOID NEGATIVE PEOPLE IF POSSIBLE OR TEACH THEM THAT YOU ARE SORRY BUT YOUR CRAP QUOTA IS FULL TODAY . PLEASE CALL BACK SOME OTHER TIME, WHEN I FEEL BETTER , WORKS FOR ME!
linda moss 6 Sep 2007 @ 2:30 pm
there is one thing that needs to be added under the take care of yourself. Avoid feeling guilty when you can not always be understanding. To remember that some time you are going to get angry at the illness not the person. then you are going to feel bad because you got angry or frustrated. alway remember that is is the illness not the person saying some of the things that hurt or ignoring you when you are in need of support. as a child with a parent witn major depression for 30+ years I had to learn that she was not rejecting me when she was so wrapped up in her own pain that she did not see my needs. To remeber that we are not perfect we are going to get frustrated angry and think if not actual say hateful things.
Laurie 8 Sep 2007 @ 1:13 am
This was my first time to this sight. For me I am the depressed one and a lot of problems with family members I think that should read this. Not only depression I have Hepatitis c & siroccos of the liver & ostiopenia. Many reasons among others for my depression I have copied and printed this to let my family know just what is going on with ME. I did also copied Things to say to someone with Depression and Ways to insult someone with depression. I am hoping that my Son, & Mom so they can advice other family and friends. I do believe this information should help a lot. Thank you.
Cheeseymomma 9 Sep 2007 @ 2:50 pm
Depression to me is alot like the song by a group called, Super Tramp, “The Magical Song” ‘When I was young send that life was so magical, …. then they sent me away teach me how to be pratical…. teach me how to be cynical….’ In my family, if you are not cynical, you are weird, don’t belong, I have I guess no people skills and really don’t mix well with others. I have rarely ever felt like I belong anywhere, most people say I just think to much and feel sorry for myself too much. It doesn’t feel that way though, it feels like a deep black hole that I see no way out and no light at the end of the magical tunnel everyone professes there is.
John 12 Sep 2007 @ 11:38 am
I thought the article was enlightening and helpful. I have a question though about points 3-5, Provide Emotional Support, Keep the Illness Separate, and Listen Non-Judgmentally. What about when the depressed person takes the most minor of negative occurances and blows them entirely out of proportion, transferring, projecting, and venting upon the carer. It’s very difficult to practice points 3-5 when one feels like they are being irrationally attacked and blamed. It seems that when I try and explain this to the person I care for, it is completely lost on her and I end up feeling very frustrated and not very helpful. Any suggestions?
Matthew 14 Sep 2007 @ 10:23 pm
Thank you for this article. I agree with John’s post wholeheartedly. Most people don’t understand, especially when the only see me when I’m doing ok.
Below is an excerpt from an email I sent my brother.
Please read this ( http://www.findingoptimism.com/lifestyle/12-ways-to-care-for-a-depressed-person/ ) and related posts. I want you to better understand how difficult it is for me at times. Some days are better than other weeks. Most people don’t see when I am totally immobilized by this illness. Mind you things are getting better from the ongoing therapy (3x per week ++) I’ve been receiving at the Center for Concurrent Disorders. Finally people who understand.
james 14 Sep 2007 @ 11:06 pm
Thank you for your excellent comments.
When I’m deeply depressed my biggest problem by far is a raging irritability. My wife, who has been very loving and patient with me for years, becomes my chief outlet for angst. When I say “separate the person from the illness” that is really her speaking as the carer. She has learned to recognize when I’m ill, and allow for the fact that I’m a very different person. In particular she has knows how to diffuse situations that I try to create with my nasty, needling comments. She doesn’t take the bait.
Depression is really a whole spectrum of mood disorders lumped together and people have different symptoms. For some a profound sadness dominates, for others it is anger, or irritability like for me. The advice in the post is general by necessity. And some people do need a good kick up the posterior - there might be nothing better for them than to get outside and on with life.
I learned a powerful lesson when I first started to recover from depression. Since my teens I thought that I had all sorts of emotional problems, baggage tied up with my family and upbringing. As I became well I discovered that these issues went away, almost completely. I know that many people have very significant problems forming the basis of their depression, but it is an ugly illness that changes you and makes those thought processes so much worse.
james 14 Sep 2007 @ 11:36 pm
There is a book by Julie Fast called either “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder” or “Loving Someone with Manic Depression”.
While written for a carer of someone with bipolar, the planning and strategies that Julie Fast teaches are very transferable to unipolar depression. If you are having the problem that John is having above then this could be just the thing for you to read.
Linda 17 Sep 2007 @ 10:33 pm
Very moving information. Will print this off for myself, am bipolar, splitting up with husband, found someone else yet is the depressed one. Has taken it out on me, no longer wants to have a wife who is bipolar and care for me when needed but has depression that I think is not being treated by his doctor. He has taken his rage out on me and has called me weird and others say I’m weird too. Very hurtful when you are bioplar so see both sides, depression and bipolar. Not a very good combo. Compares my hospital bills, trying to commit sucide as making him broke, going to go into bankruptcy but charges car parts to equal my hospital bill and then says that we are equal. So unfair.
Jamie 17 Sep 2007 @ 11:32 pm
My sister, who I love more than I can ever hope to express, has been suffering from depression for almost as long as I can remember. While we were never very close growing up, mostly due to the fact that I am 6 years her junior and as children we were both constantly fighting for love and attention from our depressed father and emotionally abusive mother; in recent years we have grown very close. She is my best friend. Four years ago she was diagnosed with ‘manic depression’ and at first that didn’t mean anything to me, but now I find it glaringly obvious how my sister struggles through daily life.
She considers herself worthless, fat, ugly, ect. But when I look at her I see a woman who has survived through terrible physical, mental, and sexual abuse, who has been living on her own since she was 16, who made it through college and is now a researcher at Yale. I see a woman who has worked her way from a size 14 pant to a 9, who is so amazingly beautiful inside and out… and, while I hate to admit it, sometimes I am so frustrated that she doesn’t see these things as well.
I hate that she won’t laugh with me anymore, I hate that she’s never happy, that I never say the right things, that I’m not enough to make her better… And I know, that she doesn’t choose to be depressed, that she would give anything to be ‘normal’. I don’t blame her or judge her… I understand that depression takes years of therapy and medication to overcome… if at all possible. But sometimes it’s just so hard… and I feel so guilty that sometimes I just need to leave the situation before I break down… that sometimes I need to leave her… I feel awful about it.
I’m only 19… and while I’ve lived through a lot for my age, I don’t know how to care for her, like she needs me too; we really only have each other… I’m trying, as best I can.
My sister often goes back to an un-healthy relationship she has been in, off-and-on, for about 10 years now. When they are off, this guy usually calls me and leaves messages on my voicemail to give to my sister. I never do, but a few days ago he left one saying that my sister told him her therapist wants her to be hospitalized… I can’t help but think I’m doing something wrong…
I have a very accepting and forgiving nature, while my sister tends to hold things inside and break down… we deal with our struggles so differently…. I suppose that is why I have trouble caring for her and understanding what she needs from me.
I just needed to get this all out. Thank you.
The Depression Dialogue 18 Sep 2007 @ 6:16 am
[...] noticed from feedback that I’ve received, from two posts in particular (12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression and Things to Say to Someone with Depression), that issues and worries facing carers are a major [...]
Yen 19 Sep 2007 @ 5:57 pm
Jamie, I am a bipolar patient (primarily major depression) who was very touched by your post. Your sister is VERY fortunate that you are so caring about her. It is often the case that depressed people come from un-nurturing homes where they cannot develop normal self-esteem and where criticism and punishment are the primary means of correction, rather than teaching and encouraging. This was true for me, and it is only in the past few years (I am now 64) that I feel good about myself, thankful to be alive, and able to face ordinary problems without collapsing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Your sister may struggle with this disorder for her whole lifetime. She needs to be encouraged to stand up for herself to anyone who is disrespectful to her, to see her doctor and/or therapist regularly (and speak honestly to them!), to be faithful in taking her meds, and to connect with a good support group. I recommend the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance; they have helped many thousands of mood-challenged people and those who care about them over the past 30 or so years.
Best wishes, dear. God bless you for your loving, caring heart!
Sharon Fifield 23 Sep 2007 @ 10:58 am
I, too, suffer bipolar (prefer manic-depressive it describes so much better). Mainly, I suffer on the depression side. I relate to Yen so very much. What was said about and to Jamie were right-on. I am fortunate to have surrounded myself by loving and patient carers. I have broken down emotionally way too many times. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have thought about suicide and tried twice. At 62, I’m a bit better with my self-esteem. It is amazing how the emotional abuse of childhood can stay with us so long. I’m too fat, too stupid, too ugly, too lazy, too…….. All of this rooted in my childhood and the family that surrounded me.
I’m grateful to have found this site and these marvelous people. I hope I can associate for as long as I need to (which will be the rest of my life).
Hugs to all…
meadow 25 Nov 2007 @ 8:42 pm
This list is SO helpful. My husband has suffered from depression since pre-teen years and has gone through substance abuse (before we married), rehab, more substance abuse, and several different therapists. When we married, he was “normal” and was going through a very good period. I knew of his issues and loved him anyway, even knowing that his depression could resurface at any time.
It has recently resurfaced, but he usually knows when it gets so bad that he needs to go back into counseling. His current psychologist seems to be a wonderful guy and is helping. Husband is also on Prozac, after trying different types of depression meds (Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Celexa). Sometimes they work for a few years and then you have to switch. Things are looking up, but it is frustrating to be the carer an not know how to handle the “monster” inside. The irritability, the “person” speaking who isn’t actually my husband but the illness. Sometimes it can feel so helpless for both of us.
Thanks so much for this resource.
Ricky Bobby 6 Dec 2007 @ 9:00 am
my wife suffers from bipolar disorder and has real bad mood swings and crazy thoughts i dont know what to do to make her happy.she is really good hearted person and all but sometimes says and does stuff she does not mean.i am doing and reading everything i can to learn all about bipolar disorder and what i have learned has helped this relationship a lot.
paul 16 Dec 2007 @ 1:36 am
This is a really, really good post. I tried to write something similar, but your post is way more detailed. Thank you for posting this.
dee 31 Dec 2007 @ 6:49 pm
Thanks for the insight, I have had family members that have been depressed, however this is different when the man I love is having such an issue, I want to help him and do my best to do what I can for him, but we seem to getting further and further apart. thanks again for your website. Kirt I love you and wish I could help.
Deepak 3 Jan 2008 @ 12:10 am
very nice advice indeed!
sarah 18 Jan 2008 @ 10:44 am
I have sister whom I have never got along with our whole lives. She lives with an illness, poor academic marks, a weak social network and has nothing to look forward to amongst all of the signs of depression… meanwhile never really opens up to anyone because we’re always so f***ing judgemental. We selfishly exert our thoughts and opinions upon her, thinking that it will help her click out of it and take control of something but it’s all self interest, it only makes us feel better about ourselves in the end.
My parents are exhausted and feel like failures. and this has made me realise that it is time for me to be a positive influence. All this time i have been reacting negatively to an illness, not her. The illness is present 95% of the time and she is believing that it is her herself.
I refuse to believe this is a hopeless situation, the way my parents feel, they feel hopeless and helpless.
I feel so profoundly guilty that I have been detached for so long and left her behind. I am the big sister i should be there i should have always been there.i really have no idea what it is like to be her. i have it so easy in comparison. the complexity of this problem is enormous. i know it will be hard for me to be a real carer but harder for her.
There is a better future because things change, everything is changeable and transient, even if it is not always in our control.
Thank you for this page.
James Sabo 23 Mar 2008 @ 2:59 pm
Been in AAs 12 step program for 33 years now and what a good program it is for me. I noticed you have not mentioned AA JIM
Ange 1 Apr 2008 @ 9:18 pm
Thanks for this site and all of your input! I have a sister who I am trying to care for and I too am very frustrated with her illness. Now I see more light and feel empowered by all of the above letters. I was ready to give up and become very angry at her and now I feel I can become a better carer. Thanks so much xxoo
Gihan 18 Apr 2008 @ 12:39 am
This list surely look valuable for me, my girl friend is currently suffering from depression so
this has given me the guidance to help her and bring back those pretty smiles back to her face.
Thank you so much for this publication.
miffy 4 May 2008 @ 5:44 am
Thank you for the comments.It helped me a lot especially that I’m living with a loved one who is depressed. Please do post more tips if you have helpful materials at hand. This is a big help to all others out there.
gracie 15 May 2008 @ 6:41 pm
very helpful
jake 6 Jun 2008 @ 11:47 am
Does anyone know what the right appoach would be to get the depressed person to seek help from a psychiatrist. There have been many attempts without any success…
HeartBroken in Attleboro 24 Jul 2008 @ 11:03 am
I am a 30 year old man in love with a 25 year old woman who is fighting depression and anxiety. She and I dated for 3 years and recently broke up. She has since pushed me far away and abandoned me in all aspects of the word. The last year of our relationship was the worst. She did nothing but criticize me, belittle me and made me feel that I could never do enough for her. I literally became physically ill taking care of her and her illness. I did not fully understand the nature of this disease and how it effects a relationship. I hate the illness but not her but sometimes the two blur together. I am so heart-broken over this woman because I was going to propose to her within a year and was looking forward to spending my life with her. I think of myself as a real spiritual man and very optimistic. BUT when do you let go? When do you let the illness win and decide to take another step in your life. I know she is in love with me and I know she wants to be with me but her illness tells her something else. When we argued, no matter how simple they were, she called me abusive, neglectful, a batterer. Mind you, I never hit her. She took regular arguments where people raised their voices and made me look like a mad man. She gave me unreasonable demands, like sell my house, or quit my practice! She called me neglectful and said my name was loneliness. I am totally devasted and to the point where I believe I may need counselling. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should handle this? As of now, I have complied with her request and given her, her space to deal with this on her own. But at night, during the day and etc, I think only of her and why this illness has stolen my future wife!
Ajay 26 Sep 2008 @ 6:01 am
Very informative
disturbed wife 7 Oct 2008 @ 2:05 pm
I think my husband is suffering from Depression. I never knew tht actually hes having a prob. Sometimes I hated him and sometimes i blamed him and everyone for putting me ina relationship wit him. I have gone thro’ hell living with him. I don’t know whthere I shld take care of him or just leave him.
Christian John 26 Nov 2008 @ 3:13 pm
hmm.. is this a good idea for a depressed introvert Friend of Mine? oh.. it seems so hard… T_T but thanks!!
Jo 17 Dec 2008 @ 2:46 pm
I have “had” bipolar disorder since I was a teen . I am now 56 and have been without symptoms due to an expert doctor’s help with the RIGHT medicine…for over 25 yrs.!! There are things you can do to “undermine” health…like drink, not rest, pursue unhealthy vocations and activiites, stay in codependent relationshlps with awful people…IF IF IF….you are with someone who has this horrible neurological disease…It is my personal belief that they are due all of the love, compassion, help, patience and support you have and more IF IF IF THEY cooperate and strive to be as healthy as possible…seek help, seek better help if that is not good enough, research and DO what is best ….JUST like a person afflicted with diabetes MUST live with restrictions and diligently tend to their health…so must I. If someone you love is trying to do this then stop complaining about them, recognize that you have things they have to tolerate about you also…any relationship complicates YOUR life. Be sure you want a complicated, interesting, wonderful, full life…with others…before you get on board….children will give you another run for your money too !
james 17 Dec 2008 @ 5:48 pm
Thanks for such a helpful comment!
Richard 8 Jan 2009 @ 12:18 pm
Depression, the curse of western civilization.
Firstly I have been caring for my wife who suffers with depression for a number of years. I find that the depression is self fulfilling, although selfish, I find that love is good medicine. The dark corridors of the mind are a great interest for me. I find that depression affects intelligent people and can be totally paralysing. To know that the person is loved is only half the battle. I have looked at the holistic approach to care and identified that the past plays a significant part in the depression. Stress, a need to have what others have, jealousy, envy, this modern world that dictates how or what you will be. Unfortunately many people are molded by temperal needs rather than the long lasting even eternally lasting benefits of loving oneself. my advice is to love your whole being you are amazingly uniquely made and believe that you are loved and capable of giving love. Turn aside self fulfilling and listen to the inner self. You will be amazed by what you will see. Thankyou
Cheryl 16 Jan 2009 @ 6:33 pm
Dear Fellow Caregivers… I first found this site about 6 months ago and would come back often to read the helpful advice of those caring for a depressed loved one. My partner has suffered from bouts of depression for as long as I have known him. Because I loved him, I was willing to take the journey with him through the dark times of this illness. He was stubborn and would tell me time and time again - it will pass…. “i’m just feeling down because this happened.” Or “it’s just because it’s been rainy so much.. it makes me feel down”… or any of a dozen things. I tried my best to help him. I read things here and in books and did my best to practice the “what to say and not say to a depressed person”… took all of the valuable advice to heart would force him out of his isolation and do things to build up his self esteem and make him laugh. Everything I knew how to do because I loved him. He often got angry and would try to push me away; and I thought I was doing the right thing to be understanding and encouraging and patient with him. Winter has always been a hard time for him; the dark cold days seemed to get him down. Many of the losses in his life of loved ones happend near the holidays and recently, he had a few setbacks in his work. Being a manic person, he would beat himself up when he failed. He started missing nights of sleep. He lost his appetite. He was weepy about things. I thought it was like the other winter doldrums we had gone through together. On December 15th, my companion of six years took his own life. I am no longer a caregiver; I am struggling to survive the anguish, the unanswered questions and the guilt I am left with. If you love someone who is suffering - they need help. YOU NEED HELP. Nothing I read, anywhere, told me that he might be suicidal and what to watch for. We had a beautiful, loving weekend together (one of those weekends where I thought he was going to be okay). I said goodbye to him and went to work Monday morning and he hung himself in the basement. Loving them isn’t enough. Being patient with them isn’t enough. Trying to say the right words isn’t enough. I’m telling you my story because I was where many of you probably are now… thinking I was doing the right things. Thinking we could figure it out together. Thinking my love and comfort would be enough for him to get past his depressed period. Please, don’t allow yourself the comfort that I thought I had of doing and saying the right things to help the man I loved. He was masking so much that I had no idea about and now he is gone. Forever. Educate yourself. MAKE THEM GET HELP!!! You are not enough for them. If I have said anything to scare you, I can’t say that I’m sorry. I would have given anything if someone had scared me. I wish you all the best. I lived wth it for years and know how hard it is but I’d take any of those hard days back now because having him gone is worse than our worst day.
sammi 18 Jan 2009 @ 4:55 pm
my husband had been acting strange for a few months. very quiet and withdrawn, loosing interest in our kids and life in general. he kept telling me he couldnt handle family life and commitment to marriage. he often discussed moving out to try the single life. he had stopped showing me love and didnt know if he loved me anymore. suddenly to my total shock he packed his bags and left on new years day. its only been 2weeks but he says he’s not coming back, he doesnt love or want me. says not to contact him as he needs space. he says things that he knows will hurt me like he’s living this exciting fast life, out all day and night but i know its a lie. he’s living like a pig in a caravan and sittinin in there all night. told me he’d dumped his wedding ring, but its a lie. he has turned into this horrible bitter nasty man that i dont recognise. how will i ever get him back if he wont admit he’s got a problem. how could things have spiraled out of control in such a short space of time. i’m heartbroken, it hurts to have no contact with him but i have to give him space.
james 20 Jan 2009 @ 5:30 am
Cheryl,
I want to express my deepest sympathy to you. I can’t fathom the grief and pain that you are going through. I know that everyone who reads your message above will also feel very saddened.
I want to acknowledge the solid advice that you’ve given here, to always try to get professional help. This isn’t always easy. The majority of people who are very mentally ill don’t think they need any help or aren’t willing to accept it if offered. But it is true that professional help is the best place to start whenever possible.
On a different note, for other readers, I want to reiterate that I am writing from the perspective of someone with a mental illness (bipolar disorder), and Anna writes from the perspective of a carer. Neither of us are medically trained. In a past post I provided a large number of links on depression treatments, which are good resources from reputable mental health organizations.
http://www.findingoptimism.com/sleep-relaxation/94-great-resources-for-treating-depression/
James
Brenda 30 Apr 2009 @ 10:21 pm
I suffer from something…I dont know what! Some call it depression,others call it Bipolar.I have tried medication,counceling,and anything I could to shake this worthless feeling.I dont know what to do anymore.I am pushing my family so far away…my husband is going out of his head not knowing from one day to the next what I am going to be like,,,explosive,crying,uncaring…..What do I do?
div 8 May 2009 @ 3:20 am
i don`t know that may can affect the idependence of the depressed person she has to feel confident but by herself not for others like i say this make the depressed person more dependen of others
Kate 19 May 2009 @ 7:39 pm
Hi all.
Thank you for this site. The information is really useful. Sometimes when you are trying to care for someone who is severely depressed you get very drawn in also and cannot see the wood for the trees. My relative is 70 now. She has been treated for depression and anxiety professionally for 16 years. Her psychiatrist has her on medication and sees her for about 10 minutes a month and tells her she is doing great. In between she attacks her family verbally, has said she has to live with one of us or will commit suicide, demands constant attention and accuses us of not doing enough for her. Her entire family visit her every day barr one in a week to check she is ok, (no one can do a friday due to work commitments). She was always worst on a friday but now she is really poorly whenever she is on her own. No one can take her in. We have asked for help everywhere but the psychiatrist said that she is doing ok and he doesn’t need to do any more. She rang the crisis team one evening and they came out and gave her information on a group and told her that her family alone cannot deal with her illness and cannot be with her 24 hours a day. We accompanied her to try to get her help with this group (she has been saying for a long time she is lonely and wants to talk to others that understand). She went a couple of times with us and then said that she doesn’t want to mix with nutters and crackers. It frustrates us that she would view others who are struggling with the same issues as her in this way but I do understand she struggles to understand what anyone else is going through and she prefers to talk about herself therefore listening to others in a group is an issue for her. It is so hard for us too as we now don’t go on holiday anymore (we had to cut the last one short as she rang us persistently threatening suicide even though other family members were there to help her), we don’t plan things that will involve being away from her for a day as we know that her issues will escalate in the time leading up to it, We get no respite as a family and are trying to run our own lives and do our jobs as well as cope with this persistent need for attention that my relative has. She is so unhappy and we don’t know what else to do for her and I can see the rest of my family on the verge of cracking. This has gone on so long now with no respite and is actually worsening. My aunt who also cares for my relative that I am talking about is now on medication for depression herself as she is struggling to cope. I recently had a cancer scare and had major surgery and my family were struggling to visit me in hospital as my relative became more depressed as she felt that her illness was being neglected “just because they could not see it” and visiting hours were eating into the time that the family would be with her. She felt very suicidal every time anyone came to visit me. She was asked if she would like to visit me too so she would not be left on her own and she said no as sick people make her depression worse. Life can be really hard for carers too, especially when nothing you say or do helps and demands are made that you physically can’t meet, and when you can’t get any more professional help.
Again, It is good to read this page to pull me back to the good practice for dealing with a depressed person that I know about but that sometimes goes out of the window when you are under so much pressure.
Thanks again and best wishes to everyone who has contributed with messages whether suffering from this horrible illness or coping as a carer.
SHARYN 25 May 2009 @ 1:12 pm
My 18 year old daughter suffers from depression which has affected her moods and behaviour her whole life. As a child she was demanding, naughty, defiant, hyperactive, & threw major tantrums where she would beat her head on the ground till it bled. She had problems sleeping & suffered from night terrors. Everyting terrified her. She was diagnosed with ADHD, and I read & learned everything I could on the subject. I tried everything possible to help her, from diet to medication, psychiatrists to music therapists, and most of all kept her busy! As a teenager she suffers from mood swings and feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and sadness. She always threatens suicide, and feels her life is not worth living. She is good at masking these feelings and often manages well even though she struggles with day to day activities. Last night she kicked in our windscreen while I was driving in heavy traffic. I pulled over and we sat while I comforted her until she “overcame” her meltdown. I was worried sick and was not sure if I would have to have her hospitalised. I listened to her abuse and claims that I just do not understand. I admitted that I struggled to understand and that I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to find solutions to her problems. When she had settled and I finally left her, I thought for a long time about the senselessness of it all. She would appear to others to have everything going for her: she has a stable family life with parents who love her and have always supported her. She is beautiful, smart & talented. We are not rich but she seems to get everything she wants. I finally realised that her constant demands are a way to make herself feel better. But what has just hit me is that nothing will make her feel better- no amount of money or attention, and nothing I say or do will make her feel better either. She is extremely demanding-and has everyone waiting on her and running her errands. She is oblivious to other people’s needs, as she feels hers are more important. If anyone dares say no to her, she becomes hysterical and often violent, and threatens suicide. Her perception on life is a negative one, and she believes she has had a terrible life, that life is unfair, and that she is hard done by. She tends to focus on only the negative things in her life, and on what she does’t have rather that all the good things in her life. I will never give up on her, although I am emotionally exhausted and financially drained. I discovered this site today and at least realise that the person, my daughter, and the illness are two different things. I have often experienced anger and resentment toward my daughter - maybe she is just a spoiled brat. But I know that she cannot help these feelings and her behaviour, and if she could change it she would. She is actually a beautiful person, but this illness brings out the worst in her. I guess now I need to understand what I need to do in the future as I maybe needed to care for her indefinitely. It doesn’t help when some family members who don’t understand just criticise. Any advice or comments would help.
Juha 28 May 2009 @ 6:36 pm
Thank you very much for this valuable information.