Adam 6 Oct 2011 @ 3:54 pm

It’s amazing what one simple question honestly asked can do. I hope that the R U Ok? movement catches on in the U.S.

Laura 20 Mar 2010 @ 4:28 am

I loved this – - despite all the bs, ultimately, life is what you make of it – and happiness most certainly is subjective.

And to answer your question, Yes, your a good Mom. xoxoxo

Jen 14 Jan 2012 @ 12:55 am

Thank you for this. I have recently been struggling with the thought if I am a good mom. My husband has been deployed since my son was 6 months old he is now 19 months old and my husband still has 1 year left overseas. I once worked day full time and my son was in daycare for 11 hours a day. I’d come home cool dinner give him a bath and then it was bed time. I felt he was being cheated so I quit my job to stay home with him. Now ii feel as if we both get bored because I’m always yelling at him telling him don’t touch that it’s hot or don’t do that. I know of no single mothers in my area and he is to young for any of the park and recreation activities that our county offers. I love my son with all my heart and he is my world all I want to do is keep him safe. But question myself all the time. My parents live 3 miles down the road and my in-laws about 10 miles and neither of them ever offer to help or give me a break. If you have any suggestions please suggest.

Stewart Hardlypie 9 Aug 2007 @ 12:28 pm

Wanting to insult the depressed is at least a healthy reaction as is evidenced by the wedding guest in the Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner when confronted with a sailor who wants to tell him everything that went wrong since he killed an albatross exclaims, “Unhand me you loon!”

When I was hospitalized on the Depression floor of my local hospital I never felt so at home watching westerns in the evening with a group of kindred spirits whose knowledge of the movies was no less than encyclopedic…some even knew the names of the Indians who were extras in a “cast of thousands”.

dexter mcclane 12 Aug 2007 @ 10:17 am

All you need is a gun and some time alone.

Abra 13 Aug 2007 @ 7:20 am

It’s amazing to me to see the things I hear all the time are said to others like me as well. It’s really sad. I wish I could say it was funny. But it’s a little too close to home anymore. People never understand what this is like. Lucky for them!

Tori 13 Aug 2007 @ 10:01 pm

When I read this page it really struck a cord. I suffer from moderate depression and anxiety and I actually went partially bald from supressed anxiety (which I’m told is just another form of depression). As a result I see a therapist twice a month and take two seperate types of medication. That being said, I have to say I was reading these and thinking that half of these things weren’t offensive to me at all. Not only that, but *I* say these things to people sometimes.
Of course, there were the obviously rude remarks, like the kick in the backside comment, but, on the whole I start to feel narcissistic and start getting on my *own* nerves when I obsess about the things that are bothering me or when I’m just plain depressed in general and know I have no real reasonfor it beyond this annoying illness. When that happens I do everything in my power to “get over myself” and overcome it. I sincerely mean no offense and by no means am I trying to insinuate that others don’t try to overcome their depression as well, it’s just that I’m not so sure that all of these are bad suggestions, and I felt the need to add my point of view. Then again I’ve always been just a little bit “crazy.” ;o)

Emma 16 Aug 2007 @ 12:40 pm

In response to Tori, I think that there is a big difference between applying some of those attitudes internally and hearing them from somebody else.

I know that for me “just getting on with things” can be helpful… IF I can do it. On bad days kicking my own butt might only get me as far as out of bed. The insult comes when someone suggests that I’m not trying that, just because they can’t see the results.

I think the only one that really bothers me is when people talk about their own situation being so much worse. It isn’t a competition, is it? And using someone else’s distress as an opportunity to change the topic to themselves is extremely narcissistic.

Diana 21 Aug 2007 @ 8:58 pm

I completely agree with Emma.

I absolutely hate it when someone will be telling a heart wrenching and painful story about something they went through and then someone else chimes in with, “Oh, I’ve been through worse.” And then proceeds to dismiss the other person to tell their own story, thinking this is helpful the whole while.

Ugh.

Here’s the worst advice someone gave me once.
“If you’re really that miserable, just off yourself”.
This, from someone I once loved. Only someone truly miserable themselves, could ever say something so cold blooded to anyone else.

Dave 23 Aug 2007 @ 6:53 pm

Hey Andy…
I spent most of my adult life living for the expectations of other people. I framed my worth around whether or not others would be pleased with my efforts. Thats’ no way to be Bro’, and it took months of the ‘right’ meds for me to get up the “cajones” to decide that “enough is enough”! I went out and got tattoos, bought myself some things I wanted, did some stuff for ME; and you know what I got?…MORE RESPECT! Don’t trivialize yourself by saying you don’t want your life…right now you don’t have your own life. It sounds like you’ve accomplished a great deal….reward yourself Brother!

MJ 26 Aug 2007 @ 9:20 am

An old boss who took me aside: “You just need to wake up in the morning and decide, ‘I’m going to be happy today!’”

After discussing how bad my depression was with a friend, when I mentioned that my house was a disaster and I just couldn’t make myself clean it, she said, “And you don’t even work – you have NO excuse not to have a clean house!”

losmilzo 28 Aug 2007 @ 3:47 am

You know, i heard all of this “insults” when i was depressed and they did work. the one that worked the magic was the “snap out of it” I thought then “why not?” of course it wasn’t easy and quick but i tried to change the way i think , the way i do things. They may seem insults but at the bottom of some of them there’s some truth. Start doing things that make you happy, pretend not to be depressed for at least 5 minutes, trick your brain and have faith in wathever is important for you. You are the center of your universe.

Paul 28 Aug 2007 @ 5:52 am

Yes it all sounds so familiar… I was in a deep clinical depression for around a year and heard this kind of stuff from all corners, worst of all from my employer who thought I was nuts and some sort of threat to the kids at school! Hell he was lucky I was in the few weeks I managed to get into school and pretend to teach. I only did it out of duty. People seem to think that the depressed (I hate that term – sorry) are mad, bad or both. Depression happens when a deeply held belief about oneself or one’s life is shown to be incorrect in a deeply negative way, so the mind builds an isolative ‘prison’ to protect us from these inconsistencies that are bombarding us – the trouble is our subconcious then takes these inconsistencies and tortures us… I know this may not be everyones view of being depressed, but I know many who felt like this, and I’m writing it for the sake of those who feel like this and think they are alone – you are not the only one.

I guess the real battle is one of reasoning – but it’s an internal process working out that you are not bad, unworthy, evil and worthless or whatever evidence your mind is feeding you with. It is possible to get out of it – please believe me when I say this. You just have to be open minded with the thoughts that constantly pop into your head and give the ‘good’ ones equal space too. Allow the same analysis that you’ve done a million times in your head to prove you are worthless work on those other thoughts. You’ll often find that the ‘good’ thoughts still lead to the conclusion that your shit – but for some, such as me, just one came to a more positive conclusion and a crack appeared in my isolative prison wall. Once the crack appears please don’t turn your back on it – try to entertain the idea that you can get out of this prison and work towards it. Don’t know how antidepressants get you thorough things – they turned me into a lethargic zombie; took my first dose then embarked on a 150 mile journey – they kicked in whilst I was on the motorway, not good. I’m of course not advocating people throwing away medication prescribed – you should always take then if prescribed, but before you go on them, realise that a pill will not correct the false impressions in your mind and get you in touch with the reality beyond those impressions. Ask, no insist on a referral for Coqnitive Behavioural Therapy, or buy a book on the subject and do it yourself. For most people the prison will not come down until you reason that all the negatives you currently know to be true are false, or at least could be false.

I send my love to everyone out there who is feeling this way, knowing that I cannot do anything for you really to ease this torment, and this is my poor attempt at assitance, such as it is, but I will end in saying that you can beat it – I did and I’m friends with others that have; support networks are out there – be brave and use them, I’ve yet to meet someone who didn’t benefit from them.

David 2 Sep 2007 @ 3:36 am

Gc got it right. I find a lot of the time people with depression want to be understood about as little as people tend to understand them anyway.

So many people use the shield of “You Wouldn’t Understand Anyway” and “It’s a Disease” and then have the nerve to blame the actions of others. I don’t know about you, but if I had, say, cancer, I wouldn’t find someone telling me to “harden up” insulting in the least; I’d just find it retarded.

Don’t get up in arms over it. Explain, calmly, as much as you can. If someone doesn’t, and by definition can’t understand what you are going through, you can’t blame them for that. What might help, is just flat out saying “Hey, it really hurts me that you say something like that. Don’t think I don’t try.”

While it’s mercifully avoided me, enough people in my immediate family and close friends of mine have suffered from major depression that I am still quite familiar with it, enough to be able to know that if someone _can’t_ understand something that works in the same way that you _can’t_ snap out of it. So chill out.

fawnalisa 6 Sep 2007 @ 2:03 pm

The worst come back in the mists of depression, is “YOU LET THEM”. It magnifies the guilt weighing down the regret of that momment that has me marinating in the memories I regret the most.

Yeah boo hoo, but its true. You reach out to what you hope are trusted ears and you get, well “YOU LET THEM”. Creates a deeper ache.

bob 7 Sep 2007 @ 6:34 am

I’ve gone through deep depressions several times in my life. After the first time I realized some things that I considered profound…

1) In a suicidal depression, when you’re right on the verge… you can kill yourself. A simple action, and you can have total, undeniable control over absolutely every aspect of your life. Understanding this truth at such a personal level for me was profound. If I could control that with my choices; I could take back control over anything, even with simple actions.

2) Although depression can be hell to go through; it can actually be an opportunity. When you go through a depression something very real is happening to you. Your brain actually shrinks; you lose connections. Emerging out of a depression, you have the ability to reshape your brain in a way that someone that has not gone through a depression can’t… by rebuilding those connections in new ways. It’s hard work, but you have an ability to change yourself like no one else can through arriving at deeper understandings. Go with it. Let yourself be depressed if you need to (but don’t force it), understand and become a better person.

Julie 9 Sep 2007 @ 5:30 pm

I’ve been told “I can’t help you” from a family member, and ignored! That’s even more insulting than words!

Holli 17 Sep 2007 @ 12:05 am

I’ve had people tell me to “up my dosage” ask if my medication was “working” or if I had been taking it. The saddest part, I’ve heard everyone of those at least twice! I want to give a copy of this to everyone of my co-workers!!!!

Jeff 18 Sep 2007 @ 7:13 am

I can’t believe how tired I am of hearing: “Just do this–just do that,” as if all of life’s problems can be solved for a depressed person at the whimsical snap of the fingers. It drives me nuts.

It isn’t unwise to understand the source of depression, either. In our society, we constantly strive to press natural beings into an artificial existence. As a rule, we are required to destroy our environment, pollute our air and waters, and take away the resources from future generations. Not only that, but in our modern world, we are so busy trying to live up to ideals–fabricated concepts by which we define ourselves–and to try to earn money that we deify, that we don’t know our true selves any longer. Depression actually vanishes for me when living in nature–I’m not talking about a mere hike in the park, but actually existing in the way we are supposed to as natural beings. In society, however, I’m bipolar. When is everyone going to wake-up and see that this system just simply doesn’t work on so many levels?

Josie 3 Oct 2007 @ 4:46 pm

I’ve always broken depression into two camps: Causal (or Situational) and Chemical (or Clinical).

With Causal depression, you are depressed for a reason, and you can get over it. With a great deal of work and effort and faith and patience, you can get over it. “Just snap out of it” tends to work for Causal depression. Not quickly, of course, but I’ve seen a few posts here, such as Paul’s, who enumerate a cause for depression and suggest things to alleviate it. I am glad that your depression can abate, that you can heal and be whole again. I truly am. But that is not every depressant’s situation, as you say. I know and am glad that you acknowledge that not everyone perceives depression the way you do, because it’s very very true.

With Clinical depression, you are depressed for absolutely no reason at all. Nothing is wrong, no one has run over your dog or altered your perception of yourself. Your brain simply is not and will not create or is not and will not receive enough of the chemicals it needs to maintain a healthy state of mind. It’s source physical, not situational, and this is when medication is often not only helpful, but vital. Separating emotional sources from the physical brain structure is a fine line and a very difficult one to diagnose and treat. This is where “just snap out of it” falls flat on its face and becomes hurtful.

A friend of mine likened Causal depression to a radio station. Imagine that there is a little DJ sitting in your head playing records. The records all have titles like “You’re A Loser” and “There’s No Reason to Smile” and “Why Bother?” and so on. I imagine we’ve all heard these songs. Depression’s Greatest Hits.

She suggests that when you hear these songs you should fire the DJ. He’s poison in your brain. Instead, try “You Can Do It!” and “Up And At ‘Em, Tiger!” and “I Believe In You!” – these are all good songs to switch to. Positive reinforcement, essentially. And for some people, they work wonders.

For the Clinically depressed, however, they can make matters worse. Because you feel guilty when the songs don’t work. Ugh. Rainbows and butterflies and inspirational platitudes can really make you want to toss the furniture around the room if they don’t help. Which is why a carer really needs to understand the source of a particular person’s situation. We’re all so vastly different.

Having suffered from both Causal and Clinical depression, I’ve learned to tell one from the other. I can feel the difference. I know when I’m sad because my brain is just not working right, and when I’m sad because my goldfish or grandmother or cactus died.

There’s also the question of Clinical depression occasionally being the source of Causal depression. “My brain chemistry has made me depressed. That fact makes me even sadder.” Ooh, that’s a nasty one. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. In a situation like that, firing the DJ can really help, at least with half of the problem, so you can pull yourself together enough to deal with the other half.

On a side note (pun intended), while we’re speaking of DJs, I’ve found that listening to music is a powerfully helpful coping technique for me. I’ve got a friend who is both a musician and a biochemist. He is actually studying the way that music (and other sounds, of course) actually change the structure of the brain itself. Heavy Metal or soft ballads? Rap or gentle harp music? Trumpet or flute? A crying baby or a purring cat? A crack of lightning or the gentle patter of raindrops on the grass? Voice of a loved one or the voice of your boss(or other stressor)? Fascinating work, he’s doing.

DiAnna 8 Oct 2007 @ 2:38 pm

How about this one? “It’s a matter of MIND OVER MATTER: If you DON’T MIND, it DON’T MATTER!”

I heard that over and over when I went thru my period of post-partum depression, my second real clinical depression.

I’ve heard most of the things at the top, so many times. Especially from my mother, who also suffers from depression.

ottosz 11 Oct 2007 @ 12:43 pm

Josie, your DJ analogy is fantastic!

“Depression’s Greatest Hits”, lol… now that made me smile.

meilat 9 Nov 2007 @ 6:15 pm

i have read all of your insights on this.. and i am astonshied.

in my opinion, depression can only beovercome if we ourselves can reach outfor the support we are getting and pull through. i have gotten most of the comments made above and it kills me to know that there are people making such careless comments on such significant issues. the insluts can be taken very differently between diferent individuals. so i guess its how an individual interprets among the information received.

my mom doesnt understand my depression at all. she thinks im just lazy .. but i keep trying to tell her that its a real problem and im trying my best to get out of the situation as mush as i can. but i cant change her mind.

what intrigued me the most is that my close friends and family think that im crazy or of that sort….

anyways im seeking treatment . isnt that good enough of an improvement for them to see that im trying my best.

Paul i was intrigued by what you wrote …. thats exactly how i feel

Sududtoday 22 Nov 2007 @ 12:59 pm

Even when you know the person saying it is trying to be helpful, it still hurts. It’s like saying you’re the way you are because you didn’t do a, b, c, d…. Does anyone need that? Especially when you’re already down? Especially when you already know that there are no situations that is making you feel the way you do? BTW, medications are not supposed to make you a zombie but to create a chemical balance that was missing in your brain.

bignose 24 Nov 2007 @ 5:49 pm

Thanks for the list of things *not* to say.

However, this doesn’t really move us toward better behaviour; there are countless more “worst things to say” that could be listed.

How about a list of things that *should* be said in this situation?

Ruth 26 Nov 2007 @ 3:33 pm

Just thought I’d add…as a person who currently can’t afford the therapy or the medication…who is married to someone else who can’t afford the therapy or the medication…

Once, my husband was told…by a mental health professional(!) that his panic disorder and obsessiveness was something common among housewives. Never mind what this says about homemakers, never mind what this says about his mental state at the time…how could any professional be so immasculating, and egotistical, so rude and unfeeling to say something like this!?

What is our recourse when we have to try, try and try again for the “right fit” both med and therapy in this world. PLEASE VOTE WISELY!

zoem 7 Feb 2008 @ 5:59 am

I agree that some parts of depression can be dealt with, using CBT or other therapy… but that doesn’t make it trivial…

I have been diagnosed as bipolar for about 4 years, and as depressive for 10 years over that – and I have heard all of these over time. I am fortunate that my family and closest loved ones are informed, and have been very supportive… Though my mom has on a few occasions said, “Well, at least you’re not schizophrenic” which has to be the most bizarre.

But there’s little I can do to avoid these from friends, or even my employer.

My boss said to me, “Sounds like a personal problem. Deal with it.”

I guess people don’t realize how debilitating it can be to not be able to sleep, to sleep all day, to be constantly sick from changing medications.. and that’s not even to touch on the true emotional and mental impact.

Years ago I didn’t think of myself as ill. I probably believed many of these things myself. I have come to the point where I know that I *am* sick. It’s not a personal failure. And I hope that I’ll get better.

Jackal 27 Feb 2008 @ 5:07 pm

sigh

etta 22 Mar 2008 @ 7:05 am

Excellent post and replies. This is something I have constantly run into during my seven years of depression and have constantly worked to educate people about. The problem with depression is that it is not only an illness, but it is also a feeling. Therefore, everyone around us thinks they understand what we are going through even though they don’t have a clue!
I wrote a similar post in January after an experience I had in a support group for recovering alcoholics. http://depressionmarathon.blogspot.com/2008/01/looney-tunes.html
Thanks for the great conversation!

Carol Ann 27 Mar 2008 @ 3:01 am

Wow…talk about fate (or circumstance) and finding, in a COMPLETELY round-about way, just what you needed to hear. As has been already spoken by others, I wish I could print this out and post it on the employee bulletin board in my office (then somehow FORCE every employee to read ALL the comments, which are stunningly veracious and obviously written by many of us who are not only educated, but unfortunately, suffer this disease.

I feel that in most cases, also aforementioned, these comments are born of ignorance and not cruelty. Not to state that most people are basically ignorant (though, I admit having said that a time or 202), but uneducated on major clinical depression. Sadly, the majority of them not only are uneducated, but do not care to BE educated, instead, they go about spouting these inane comments about something that I believe, NO ONE can truly understand unless they have experienced it. A bigger person would admit that.

I have found that what helps me the most is not what my loved ones SAY, but what they don’t say, that is, that they are willing to LISTEN and have no compulsion to retort with “helpful” advice such as is listed here. They are able to do this and to KNOW it’s what I need, because they CARED enough to educated themselves. In doing so, they also know when I just want them there but do not feel like talking or conversation and, perhaps most importantly of all, understand when I just want to be left alone and do so without drama or childishness that I certainly do not need to add to my already overflowing plate at this time.

That being said, the MOST hurtful words spoken to me during my treatment-resistant depression were the ones I never heard from so-called friends who suddenly became too busy with an unending list of excuses why they could not find the two minutes it takes to send an e-mail or a text message and just say “Hey! I’m thinking of you and I just wanted you to know that I am and that I love you.”

I could have received ten of those supportive messages in the time it took them to type out 14 excuses why I had heard NOTHING from them.

Number 51. That hurt.

Amy 8 Apr 2008 @ 2:46 pm

I have read nearly every reply and find myself as the author of each. My husband, a nurse, told me that he understands my disease, but that it’s very difficult to live with someone who brings him down all the time and that our life is perfect and why can’t I see the beauty of life instead of being so angry all the time…doesn’t sound like he understands it to me.

Nothing could make me feel worse than having someone tell me that my disease brings them down, but at least he can get away from me. I can’t.

Medications help. It has nothing to do with circumstances in my life and I cry even on the most beautiful days God created. I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kari 14 Apr 2008 @ 9:01 am

“You need to get your act together! You’ve let your life go as far as it needs to go. You better spend the day thinking about your life. I’m upset with you, but I’m worried about you.” Then she told me she had things to do and hung up on me.This comes from a woman who can’t bother to talk to me, unless I unplug my phone for a few days, then she wants to bring the cops and break down my door.

I can go for weeks without talking to anyone, until they want to talk to me, then it’s an emergency and threats ensue. Whatever.

john 20 May 2008 @ 12:20 pm

“I Dream of Death”

What is death? Is it a wasteland of eternal torment and carnage or is it a place of never ending bliss and enlightenment. What is death? Is it the end of all time or is it the beginning of a new saga? What is death? Does it reside in the realm of mortals or does it pay homage to fallen angels?

I dream of death on a constant basis. I imagine it’s calm, seducing worlds of never ending white as the cleanest of all places. It’s not a land plagued by disease, deceit, or destruction. It is a place where all creatures are created equal, where all men and women are free of all obligations, and where all imagination ceases to exist.

I dream of death because it knows not of political correctness. No one cares when your skin is non existent. I dream of this fantastic world free of mans most basic necessities – shelter, food, and the need to procreate. This place doesn’t put limits on who it accepts. All wouldbe adventurers are welcome with open arms… whether you’re a house burglar that was shot upon breaking and entering or a policemen shot in the line of fire, death welcomes you with open arms and no bias of any kind. Whether you were Hitler in WWII or an advocate for racial peace in the sixties, death cares not.

It doesn’t discriminate against the elderly or the weak and disabled. It makes no difference to death what religion you once believed in. It matters not that all creatures of this universe are guilty of sin in one form or another. None of this has any bearing on gaining entry to the wonderful, complacent, and utterly quiet existence that is death.

Man has always stated that it is wrong to end the gift that is life by ones own accord. Why is this wrong? Is is truly wrong? Does death care? Does the inventor of life truly care? Did the creator of all life in fact create death? If so, why make it impossible to say goodbye to life if one is disgusted with the world around him? Who makes these rules? Surely, death has it’s own set of rules. Surely, they aren’t always obeyed. Who is going to punish those who don’t obey these rules?

Life for most starts out as a wonderful experience strife with new possibilities and endless combinations. Anything is possible… the imagination being the only limiter in this equation. All of this is truly beautiful until you factor in the innumerable negative factors that man has created for himself over the course of time.

Considering that life only brings in a fraction of joy compared to the overwhelming negative heartaches of everyday life as it’s been since mans inception, it’s a true miracle that someone hasn’t ended our existence with the push of a button in recent decades.

I dream of death

Isa 16 Jun 2008 @ 3:38 am

James,

Self-righteous much?

Merri Ellen 18 Jun 2008 @ 1:41 pm

The worst is when you say those things to yourself. That’s when hope has left.

So, for me I had to surround myself with people who saw hope for my future and leave those who didn’t give me hope.

james 21 Jun 2008 @ 9:21 pm

Merri Ellen, thanks for bringing this to my intention. You are right in saying that I have come across poorly. That was certainly not my intention and I apologize to John and other readers. I was trying to express my gratitude to John for obviously putting a lot of time into writing the “comment”, while making the point that as a Christian I believe in God’s mercifulness. Jesus is full of empathy and compassion and I am trying to reflect this in my writing. Obviously, I need to work on it more, and this is a good case in point.

Merri Ellen 24 Jun 2008 @ 12:02 am

Thanks James – Thanks for your apology and for being real.

Lynne 26 Jul 2008 @ 7:20 am

Hello to all fellow travelers
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It helps knowing we are not alone in our struggle. I’m convinced I acquired my depression through a defective gene that my father and his sister also have. I am so grateful that we now have many choices of helpful medication. Therapy helped me a lot and I eventually grew the courage to make a series of major life changes to solve my situational depression. I am very happy but vulnerable to the fear of tumbling into the abyss. And no one knows that besides me and my doctor. No one else understands because depression is so taboo. The platitudes are hurtful and the repercussions of disclosure so damaging I choose never to talk about this chronic condition I have and successfully live with. Warm caring thoughts to all of you and wishing you strength to carry on and realize some of your dreams.

Rebecca 7 Aug 2008 @ 10:51 pm

My favorite? “Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.”

Bleh 12 Aug 2008 @ 8:37 pm

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

Ugh, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard that one. Nice post!

And Kala, it’s very obvious that someone with depression is suffering from a mental problem. That’s the whole irony of the line, “Are you sure you don’t have a mental problem?” It’s like the person who doesn’t understand depression doesn’t realize that it’s a genuine problem that needs to be treated by a professional. It’s also sad to me that you seem to be one of “those people” who has no idea what depression is like, just based off the fact that you think people use it as an excuse. You obviously have no idea how crippling depression can be in some cases. I’m sure there are some people who don’t suffer from it who use it as an excuse to be lazy, but anyone who really does suffer from it has to cope with how emotionally and physically draining it can be.

patrick 19 Aug 2008 @ 7:42 am

You know what sucks about dealing with depression?
Dealing with friend/ co-worker/ family member who is depressed, because no matter what you say to them, you lose, even simple deconstructed advice like, “right now, it’s okay”. At that point all they are doing is robbing energy because your advice is either repeatedly micro-analyzed to the point of paranoia, or it is dismissed all together. After 5-6 scenarios and encounters of this nature they become destructively repetitive to this person and I feel like I am just an anchoring point for this to manifest itself.
I have been depressed, it’s a wild cycle that is unpredictable, and the cycle becomes Pavlovian, external stimulus will manifest this result.
Why?
Because you are essentially conditioning yourself to feel this way, that’s right, you’re hypnotizing yourself.
What is the source of this pain?
It doesn’t matter.
I agree with much of the research involving physical activity and most depression. The mind certainly fights the body, but people with depression rarely use the body aerobically to fight the mind, consider it your metabolic equivalent of fast forward.
At this point when I person tells me they are depressed I ask them to go for a long walk, it ALWAYS works.

Liz 30 Aug 2008 @ 2:25 am

My former boss used to say “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.” I also had a nervous breakdown partly caused by a temporary campaign job he forced me to take. I’ve since wised up, but I’ve never gotten over his words.

Carl-Eric Dupuis 22 Sep 2008 @ 5:53 pm

“Just think about something else, you’ll be better in no time.”

The only thing i want to answer cant be said in pretty much any forum.

lucy moore 6 Nov 2008 @ 8:22 pm

One time a friend called me and said, “how’re ya doin’? and I said, “to be honest, not good…I feel like I want to kill myself ” (not in a joking way). He said, “oh, so other than that, how are ya?”

Meg 8 Nov 2008 @ 5:59 am

“Just get over it” – this came from my boyfriend in response of one of my depressive episodes. Some boyfriend, huh? And worst of all, he should know better; he’s has been the sole confidant to his sister who has been dealing with severe bi-polar disorder for over 8 years now.

Julie 16 Nov 2008 @ 7:44 pm

I’ve had many of these said to me. People with often the best intentions can say things they think will make you feel better, but they just don’t understand.

My father has told me to go to the gym, not realizing that by saying that every time I see him, he’s only making my self-consciousness worse, lessening any likelihood of my going to the gym.

My other half has told me to “cheer up” and has tried “cheering me up” by trying to get me to laugh, which, I realize he has the best of intentions, but when you’re having an exceptionally bad day, the last thing you want is someone who doesn’t understand trying to get you to “cheer up.” All you want is someone to listen and just be there for you.

As soon as I hear one of those trivializing or misunderstanding statements I realize that they will never understand, and that I have one less person to talk to in the world about my problems.

Wes 3 Dec 2008 @ 7:29 pm

This is a wonderful site, just what I need. I have had depression for over 20 years and it seems to get worse with time. I have heard all of this great ideas many times. All I can say is I have 2 real support friends, one is my wife and my best friend.

If it were not for their support and unfailing love I would be dead. The hardest time for me is when I am alone and there is no one to talk to. This blog is a great help. Keep up the good work.

Daphne 12 Dec 2008 @ 3:28 am

@ Paul, Doris, Anonymous and others: Your statements are true for (I think) the majority of depression sufferers. CBT has a high success rate in treating depression, and conquering negative thinking is an important step. However, please understand that there are some of us who cannot be helped by trusting in God or our therapist. I have suffered from psychotic depression for nearly 10 years. It is an uncommon form of depression that couples severe depressive symptoms with periods of delusions and hallucinations. I was misdiagnosed with major depression for years and ran the gamut of treatments, from CBT to antidepressants to long hospitalizations. Nothing has helped, because my problems do not lie as much in thinking I’m worthless, etc. as they lie in being emotionally numb, unable to perform basic daily living functions (showering, cooking, etc), constant suicidal ideation, and more. Plus, when my television is reading my thoughts and sending me messages, it is difficult to convince myself to cheer up.

Thanks all for all of your comments, especially James for being a respectable human being for admitting and apologising for his unintentional insult. I hope and pray for all of you that you will make it through this.

As to the subject of the article, I am REGULARLY told by complete strangers (always men): “Smile! It can’t be that bad!” and the even more insulting “I bet you’re a lot prettier when you smile.” This happens a lot on buses and sidewalks. Why would anyone ever think this was an appropriate approach to a stranger??

Jake 25 Dec 2008 @ 7:10 pm

I’ve had pretty much all these comments said to me at one point or another.

I think the main problem is because psychologists defined depression as being “episodic” people think that there’s normal inbetween, and it’s impossible for someone to be depressed ALWAYS. I’m 18/m. I’ve been depressed since I was 12/13. I’ve been on a steadily downward going slope, eventually failing high school (though I passed my Advanced Calculas course), and proceeding to do nothing for a year and a half.

THE WORST THING I find is like a pattern of victimization. I was always blamed for everything, school, home, etc. Even still now, people try to walk me through basic skills like cooking pasta or something, like I’m mentally retarded, or blame me for all the things they do to me. Just today, my sister snaps at me when I try to help her scan a document, she apologizes but says she was justified in yelling. I mean wtf, what happened to something being your fault.

Another thing is people always assume their must’ve been a cause. Like a “troubled childhood” a “bad outlook” etc. Nothing pisses me off more than having someone say “well it must not be that bad”. It’s like “I can’t function. I fail at almost everything, and never get better at ANYTHING despite days/weeks/months of effort at something. I’ve even been getting worse at everything over the years. Why CAN’T you understand that?” The response is always just a shrug or something, they NEVER think they could be wrong.

Jake 27 Dec 2008 @ 4:33 pm

Dear Betty

From what you said, it doesn’t sound like depression. I won’t say depressed people don’t get angry or irritable, but usually depressed people have very low ability to act on their anger. The second thing is depressed people usually don’t have a distorted sense of what’s good/bad (so they usually don’t complain irrationally), it’s just bad feelings last much longer than good ones, making life suck alot, even if they have good things happen. And if his cause was “physical,” most endogenous (inside caused) depression is dopamine based, resulting in lower creativity andin ability to care whether or not something happens (like eating in places with lots of people). I would assume either something happened/is happening to provoke depression, or he doesn’t have it, and just has some sort of “oppositional defiance disorder” or some anger/antisocial issues.

David 27 Dec 2008 @ 11:41 pm

Those so called insults are not insults, they are true. Feeling sorry for yourself leads to depression when not nipped in the bud. When you dwell on problems you have no choice but to get depressed! Are Americans some sort of specially evolved homo sapien? Other humans living in ravaged countries like parts of Africa and the Middle East don’t sit around and stay in bed feeling sorry for themselves; they get up and do what they have to do in order to survive. Those people live in extreme poverty and chaos but yet they get on with their lives. People in America break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend or lose their job and they fall off the deep end. “I need drugs, I have a chemical imbalance!” Depression is a joke to most other parts of the world; they laugh at the things people in America get depressed about. We are a boo-hoo-poor-pitiful-me weak society.

anomia 4 Jan 2009 @ 10:05 am

Well, it is true that we all are ignorant in some way, and if saying the wrong thing sometimes is proof, then there’s a lot of it when it comes to mental health.
However there is a difference between malicious intent, no empathy and just not knowing, which is really where most people fall.
It may be hard to care about those differences when depression is happening, but, know that someone somewhere cares, and just ’cause someone says a dumb thing doesn’t mean they don’t care or can’t help OK?

BTW all you psuedo physicians with your idiotic advice, mind your own business, and let the caregivers and patients alone to heal.
You wouldn’t think Cancer is the persons own fault would you?

It is a broad variety of ILLNESS, some get it and some don’t, what happens in life is ancillary to the ILLNESS.

Robert Hollander 7 Feb 2009 @ 5:23 pm

Geez, quit whining! Can’t y’all snap to manic, already?

bluegreen 23 Feb 2009 @ 9:05 am

Sorry guys, but a lot of those are spot on. I’ve had depression, had treatment, and been back into depression again. All of it has taught me one thing: No-one else can sort your head out for you. You absolutely HAVE TO look after yourself. You HAVE to think positive and get out and do the things you know will make you feel better – run around, eat well, sleep as much as you need. God knows, I know it’s tough, but some of that above is good advice. You have to get off your arse and get moving.

Play at being happy, even if you’re not. It works. And if someone wants to cook you a good meal – fantastic!

Lisi 20 Mar 2009 @ 12:54 pm

I had a psychiatrist tell me — “Maybe you should accept that this is the best you can do. You can get up, you can go to work. I have patients who can’t get out of bed.” Needless to say, I’ve given him more time to work with those patients, as I’m no longer one.

So, even doctors don’t know the right things to say.

Scratch 22 Mar 2009 @ 10:55 pm

I don’t mind the dumb-ass ignorance. It’s not a crime not to know something. What I really hate is being told I am BAD and LAZY and HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE DEPRESSED. Oh my God!

Tajha 23 Mar 2009 @ 12:19 pm

Depression sucks… It sucks to feel like your body and mind are betraying you because consciously and logically you know that you’ve really got no reason to be sad, but you just can’t make it stop.

Anyway, the worst line I’ve gotten was, “You shouldn’t use medication to control your mood.” I don’t remember what I said to him, or if I just walked away.

Annie 20 Apr 2009 @ 2:30 am

No one ever suggested acupuncture to me, but I tried it anyway. The results for refractory depression have been no worse than meds were….so far.
Conclusion: It ain’t THAT much of an insult (if you’ve got an awesome acupuncturist).

Tommy 4 Jun 2009 @ 5:16 am

The best thing that really helped me was
Let Go…Let Go. Let your troubled mind become peaceful. You dont have to try just let Go…
And it became my single prayer every morning Today i will Let Go of worries or antything that displeases me……
Things happen and finally with time you have a new life

Ellen de Jonge 8 Jul 2009 @ 2:15 pm

If you are having a depression it is hard, anxiety attacks so big that you think you are getting grazy, not able to breath, no peace and stillness in the mind……..you don’t wish this to your worst enemy.

I have been there, I have struggled and I am happy that somebody came in my life who introduced me to Yoga. And YES, already after the first class I felt a difference, a possibility of breathing better and having some release in my ever ongoing madness.

Now I am 6 years further and I am a yoga teacher, I chose to teach this to help people who are dealing depression and anxiety because I know how raw this can be.

So maybe something to try or think about. Body and mind go together, to open your body will give your stuff the change to leave your system. With stimulating the fire inside of us we can burn rubbish, I could………..you can!!!!!!!!!

Take care, Namaste

ellen

Anonymous 14 Jul 2009 @ 5:31 am

P.S. In response to some of the comments about these ignorant remarks making sense; I do have stuff to be depressed about that try as I might do not change in my life and it’s hard to keep positive about, and I don’t literally just sit and feel sorry for myself, I do try really hard to concentrate on other things, go out, carry on with life (even though work became too much) but it’s always THERE – it’s not a conscious thing, so I can’t tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself or that my life is great so snap out of it… it’s just not as simple as that for me or people in similar situations.

California 1 Sep 2009 @ 3:34 pm

I have had what I would consider severe depression since I was 16, and that was many years ago. A lot of it stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family. For most of my life I have not talked about my depression with anyone because I don’t want to hear a lot of bad advice or judgments. Lately I have been trying to talk about it to some people I know, but no one really understands. I know they think if I was really so unhappy with my life for all these years I would have made changes. Every day I regret I have not, but it is hard when you were raised and conditioned by your family to have low self esteem and be taught to be afraid of the world. It is hard to just up and leave that all behind the day you turn 18. You hear these stories about a kidnap victim who is held for years and never escapes, even when there is an opportunity? It’s kind of like that IMO. Anyway I would like to get back on topic with what to say/not to say. I hate it when someone tries to trivialize my feelings by implying that it is easy to change my life or that all the years I have wasted not doing anything to change my circumstances, which is the cause of my depression, suddenly won’t matter if/when I start to make changes. Or when someone tries to give me a list of things I should do that will magically make everything better. What I would most like to hear sometimes is “I’m sorry you feel bad.” That sounds so simple, but it seems hard for most people for some reason. Sometimes that’s all I want, is for someone to show a little empathy. I have to partially disagree with those that say it is bad when someone starts telling you how bad they felt at one time or of something bad that happened to them. To me it is worse to talk to “happy” people that cannot relate to your pain. It is not necessarily one-upping someone to tell them about your own hurt and problems. For once I would like to talk with people (and yes I know about “support groups”, but I mean people who claim to be my friend and care about me) who can tell me they know how it feels. Certainly I don’t want anyone telling me that I should kill myself, but my fantasy conversation would be for someone to say yeah, if they were in my situation, they would probably hate their life too, they would probably want to kill themselves too. It would be nice to have my feelings justified. That would not help or hinder me getting out of my situation, it would just show me someone out there knows how it feels and that it is okay for me to feel that way sometimes myself. If any of you reading this find my attitude to be self-centered or self-pitying, I really don’t care. You don’t know my life or what I would have liked it to have been.

Chris 2 Nov 2009 @ 11:43 am

I dont have depression but I have been married to my beautiful wife for 27years and she has suffered from depression on and off for twenty years and I can tell you that it has taken a toll on our marrage yes I know people change over the years but when she gets down as I call it it is so hard,I have learned alot about depression and I am still learning about it and I can say that I have said 90 percent of the list of how to insult someone with depression and for that as I have learned more about this horrible desease I am truely sorry ,I can tell you that it comes not from not respecting or loving the person affected but comes from pure ignorance of the illness and of how it affects others and I can honestly say that living with someone who has depression is and can be extremely difficult,but I can safely say that as I learn more I will never say things like that again good luck on your journey to control this hiddeous problem kind regards Chris

abraham lincoln 7 Dec 2009 @ 2:01 pm

you cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. you cannot strenghten the weak by weaking the strong. you cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. you cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the the wage payer down, you cannot futher the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. you cannot build characte and courage by taking away people’s initiative an independence. you cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.

Roy 21 Dec 2009 @ 12:35 pm

“Have you tried acupuncture?”

You know I get this one often, and they mean well. But it makes me feel like I’m not “working on” my problems and that I just need a little “magic” to cure me.

Su 4 Jan 2010 @ 3:59 pm

I wanted to add that I’ve tried yoga, it’s helped minimally then not at all. Tried Reiki, helped in the beginning, but then life situation and coping skills are bad. Am currently on homeopathy – the suggestion for acupressure isn’t really bad,but unfortunately we might be in such a low place that we feel well that’s just another waste of money on something someone says may work, but it won’t work for me if the pills and the CBT and the yoga and the vitamins and the diet and the positive thinking haven’t….and there are some people who say change the way you think – it’s difficult. It is. Especially when you and everyone else thinks in pretty much the same patterns…or you are completely lost- it is different for everyone, everyone is in a different stage, everyone can only see from their own point of view… you yourself don’t understand whether it’s you or the depression – really…. and you try and some days it works and most days it doesn’t. and people in other countries do get depressed, the stigma is so strong that it’s not announced. The depressed people in Africa and Asia are hidden. It’s as simple as that. Hidden. Invisible. That’s the curse. I was ok in June, then went down in July – and only resurfaced again now.

I’ve felt ok for a week now and showering – but I honestly I’ve had really bad nutrition and haven’t been able to walk unless absolutely necessary for two months. We don’t know what will work or how things just “stop”. And now I see I don’t have any friends, and family relations are severed – all be cause I couldn’t keep up and they weren’t bothered either – all because it seems so easy for an outsider for you NOT to be like that….oh and rage and anger can definitely be part of depression. You can get highly sensitive to things, people not putting things back in the right place every single day, just being unable to take other people and wanting to eat alone because they talk so loudly and put the television on so loudly…. I wish they weren’t but they are, it’s the anger inwards gone outwards. And it can also be side effects of the SSRIs. It was for me. I just didn’t realise it.

Maxy 21 Feb 2010 @ 6:43 pm

I’ve heard all these above statements. I’m not lazy, i never was. But, due to all these symptoms, it’s hard to pick myself up and just snap out of it! My family knows it all that i take anti-depressants and why i quit my job. But, still they choose to insult me every day. God, if i was stronger like before i would never let anyone hurt me like this.

Frances 25 Mar 2010 @ 9:15 am

My recent most personal favorite comment is “All you need to do is get some more fresh air”. Really? Hallelujah, you’ve found the cure! Going through some difficulties the past few weeks, feeling down, but not as down as I have in the past, and just had some very close friends, who had sworn over and over that they’d “never leave” and were “in it (the friendship) for the long haul”, end the friendship. All because I was honest with them about how I felt, and they couldn’t handle the honesty. This, after we had always said we’d be honest with each other….. I just don’t understand people. AT ALL.

Mel 12 Jul 2010 @ 2:22 am

I feel for you guys but don’t forget, its a real cache 22 for people who don’t have depression to learn how to deal with someone who does.

I’m sorry to say it but from my experience (I’ve been friends with a couple of people with clinical depression), the normal rules of human engagement don’t seem to apply (but I’m sure there are always exceptions)….

If we (non-depressed people) say what we’d normally say to cheer people up, we get accused of being insensitive.

It’s natural to offer friendly guidance when presented with a problem, but then we get accused of being condescending

If we try really hard not to get angry with a depressed friend’s actions (or inaction) because we know it’s just a symptom of their disease BUT should we dare say we know it’s not them but it’s just a symptom of the depression THEN we get accused of using their disease against them. So we aren’t allowed to show our frustration at being wronged like a normal friend would.

If we decide its all too hard and leave the friendship, we are a terrible person.

You guys do realise that it can be an impossible situation for non-sufferers don’t you?

P.S. Just so you know, a few years ago I was diagnosed with mild situational depression which lasted for about a year. I know my experience is so small compared to some of you and I know I don’t have the right to talk about it from a sufferers perspective. I just thought I’d let you know Im not completely talking out my behind!

Carl 28 Jul 2010 @ 2:11 am

When it comes to depression there are two types of people. Those who understand it and those who have never experienced it. If you have never experienced depression your opinions are irrelevant and worthless, so pleae keep them to yourselves.

Andy Zhang 5 Oct 2010 @ 10:35 pm

But sometimes, when we say, I know what you’re going through, we’re right. I find this story of my life always helps: When I was 12, i had sex with my own father because he sold me cheap MDMA, it traumatized me for my whole life. So I know what all these “depressed” people are going through

Kristin 23 Oct 2010 @ 4:37 am

Oh, and to those experiencing true depression for the first time? You matter and what you say matters. It’s the scariest damn place to be in.
I remember when I was first hit with it, out of what seemed, nowhere, at age 19. I thought I was losing my mind. I’d always been happy-go-lucky, outgoing…and suddenly I was scared, withdrawn and didn’t know where to turn.
I got through it.
But I had to get up the nerve to voice it first. You may not say everything right, but who the hell does?

rxfae 24 Dec 2010 @ 7:12 am

How about this one:
” You just need to start exercising. Start walking or running! ”
” You just need to get outta the house.”
Heard them only last night! Thanks, honey.

People with depression, such as myself, do find hostility towards “the others” (those without depression) as a coping mechanism.
I’d rather get angry than more depressed. I’d rather feel something than more nothing.
But I also understand others’ need to help and be there for us. They unknowingly make suggestions that might help.
But, how would you help save someone who’s drowning, if you yourself cannot swim? All you can do if scramble around looking for something or someone to help them, find a solution. Meanwhile, to the drowning person you look like some flailing moron on land doing nothing useful to help the situation.
The people in our lives do care, alot. But understand, that they haven’t the faintest idea what they can do about it, so they just try.
I keep this in mind alot, yet I still get upset at my husband’s “helpful” words. It’s a catch-22!

Michael 18 Jan 2011 @ 12:01 pm

I had a rehabilitation counselor from my last job tell me I needed to be more ‘resilient’. She explained how in life we can be either like an egg or a tennis ball – tennis balls are resilient and bounce back, eggs crack when they’re thrown against a wall.

“Take long walks and feel like a tennis ball” was her well considered advice. I guess she meant well, even if she only made me feel guilty for not being able to survive being metaphorically thrown against a wall all the time.

Gaz 31 Jan 2011 @ 3:29 am

”Be glad you don’t have cancer!”

”Snap out of it!”

”You are selfish!” (by being depressed!?)

”Just go out with your friends!” (Ummm what friends?”)

”God! It’s like being in a funeral with you!”

The list goes on. I know that i am lucky i don’t have cancer o’r a disability but depression makes one feel the unluckiest person in the world.

JuliaR 9 Feb 2011 @ 1:23 am

Felt compelled to respond to this shining example of ignorance by someone too cowardly to even make up an alias so others wouldn’t be able to easily respond to him/her.

“Anonymous 5 Sep 2008 @ 5:41 pm

I think this list was compiled by someone too wrapped up in his own universe to see what someone is saying. Sure, some of the above is insulting but a lot of it shouldn’t be and wouldn’t be if you weren’t so goddamned sensitive.”

Ironically, I think this comment was left by someone so narcissistic they felt the need to come to this forum (where those in need are seeking support) to insult those who are so obviously suffering with ridiculous remarks.

I know narcissistic people have huge difficulties with this thing called “empathy”.

If you wish to behave in such a fashion, please do it elsewhere. Contrary to your own self-elevated and narcissist attitude, please remember that like an ahole, everyone has an opinion and yours is not only irrelevant, cruel, and self-righteous, it’s so dismally ignorant, I sincerely hope you have a dictionary at home to look up some of the “big words” I and others here are using.

Start with “Empathy”.

If you still have a problem with “comprehension”, why don’t you take that attitude somewhere else?

Maybe a hate-site might be more appropriate for you and those as ignorant as you. You would be quite welcome there, I’m sure. Please take your fellow ignorants with you. Many of us here would appreciate that.

Next time you want to say something, have the f-ing courage to at least post a name or alias.

Notice how brave these people here you denigrate are? How courageous they are? How honest they are?

Did you need a pair? All these people who are battling severe depression have way more balls than you ever will.

Thank you anonymous for your ignorant post. It will serve us well in the future as the perfect example of what an ignorant, self-righteous coward would say. And anonymously to try to avoid any possible criticism!

Nicely done.

Many thanks to those who have shared their experiences here. Am very grateful that you posted comments that have not only been helpful and informative, but also compassionate. Thank you.

lily drey 29 Mar 2011 @ 2:48 pm

Im sad iv lost my mom n i never see my dad and my grama hates me and in addition i get bullyed so much it makes me want to……you know so i guess im here to say if i can still be here today then so can you dont lose stay strong and fight its hard but you can do it i believe in you!

Fairy 7 Apr 2011 @ 3:30 am

@David and your comments about people in the 3rd world not being depressed and just getting on with it.

1) how do you know no one there is depressed? Yeah im sure charities are going to show us clips of the depressed 3rd world citizens in their clips asking for aid. I’m sure that’d get us wanting to give money! Don’t be stupid. Fact is I’m willing to bet LOTS of 3rd world citizens suffer depression, in fact one could almost gaurantee it given their situation and the fact depression is a phsyical illness and thus can affect absolutely ANYONE.

2) comments saying “why don’t we think about those poor people in the 3rd world pis me off. Don’t you think I beat the crap out o myself metallu nearly everyday think that? Cos I do. I do think i am a pathetic whiny bitch for being depressed when kids out there are starving and in reaching for another cookie in a vain attempt to feel better. So that’s for the reaffirmation that that is indeed exactly what I am. Congrats that’s made me feel so much better – NOT!

3) what are YOU doing for these people? You who throw these 3rd world citizens In the faces of us mentally ill people as if WE should be the only ones doing something for them. If you care so much why aren’t YOU out there helping them instead of writing conceited replies on a topic you blatanly have zero knowledge on?

4) don’t get me wrong I’m sorry for the bad things that have happened to you, but why do you use them as some kind if competition against others to see who has had the worst life?
Pain is pain, it’s different for different people and manifests itself differently depending on who you are. What makes me upset may not make you upset but that doesn’t negate the fact I am upset. You have no right to say “well I’m not upset by X so neither should you be”. I bet you get sad about things that I could easily shrug off, but the fact I can shrug them off does nothing to help you.

Lastly to comments about god. I was taken to church from a very young age and grew up as a Christian. Tbh I think that has a lot to answer for regarding my low self esteem.
Constantly singing about how I am nothing but a spec of dirt on the ground and pityfull weak useless person for like 18 years is going to have an affect. I believe all those things about myself.
Always being judged and told I’m a sinful horrible person. “you cut yourself sinner” “you are sad when god made this lovely world for you to enjoy? – sinner” “god is disappointed in you” ect ect. I had no dad, growing up I desperately wanted a father figure- and god is a father right? Well according to my church god hates me cos I am such a sinner.
Lastly just as I was getting help via a councelling service someone in the church was involved with the pastor(vicar) told me not to come back into his church as I was just a problem. All I did at church was look after the kids in Sunday school.
I thought church was somewhere people could go to in times of need for comfort and help. HAH how wrong I was.
Religeon did nothing but repeatedly kick me while I was down and shit all over me. So much for loving god and his caring family.

Andrew Watkins 16 Apr 2011 @ 8:08 am

I was recently asked by a friend to describe depression to his 30 year old son. I was drunk at the time and immediatley went into how it can trun your ordinary perceptions of the world on its head- turn friend into foe, impair your judgement and so on. I don’t know if what i said was of any use to man or beast. The guy in question to whom i was trying to explain to doesnt read or use the internet more is the pity because i could have pointed him here.

Abbie 10 May 2011 @ 1:41 pm

I have been having insomnia on and off for a period of more than a month since I was 14. I had it really bad just recently. I thought I was just stressed and overworked, and worried about finances. My doctor gave me an info sheet about insomnia and what can trigger it. Depression was one of them.

I looked at the Beyond Blue website which is a website for depression and other mental health disorders. I looked at the symptoms, and I took their various surveys, both for depression and anxiety. I scored very high on all the surveys. I will now go to my doctor and see what can be done from here. Step one for me.

I have felt this same way since I was 14. But I had always thought that it was puberty doing weird things to me. But I kept feeling that way on and off, even after puberty, and now in adulthood. Now that I am planning on starting a family, I need to get help and not let it go unchecked any longer.

I have a sister who is a trained psychologist (God help us all!). I posted a status on my Facebook the other day. Facebook asked “What’s on you mind?” So I posted honestly what was on my mind. I wrote “I am sick of feeling like a loser.” My sister wrote on my wall (which everyone can see) “You have a house, you have a car, you have a job, you have a family that loves you, you have a husband who is there for you. Look at your life. Other people don’t have it as good as you, you will see that you are not a loser.”

I said to her the “BEING a loser and FEELING like one are two different things.”

She said “Then make the decision and change it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself because you have nothing to feel sorry for yourself for.” And this is a trained psychologist!!!

Just after Christmas, my husband lost his job. I was depressed for weeks. She said “Well, there are other people out there who have it worse than you.”

My “loser” post was a cry for help. One person saw it as just that. She wasn’t a trained psychologist, but her daughter is also suffering from depression so she recognised my cry for help. She had the decency to private inbox me, not post it on my wall for everyone to see.

I could not believe that the Pshycology board or registration allowed someone of very little sympathy or empathy to be a registered psychologist. I hope to God that she doesn’t give her clients that kind of treatment, in a public forum no less.

Jay 19 May 2011 @ 6:11 pm

My wife said to me,
“you have no idea what a burden this is and how much this is affecting me to have to worry about you and feel that I am losing my husband.”

Julie 21 May 2011 @ 6:07 pm

Sometimes it helps to have a witty comeback. Like one of my favorite lines from M*A*S*H:

Frank: “I say if you want to keep your feet on the ground you got to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.”

Hawkeye: “Frank, why don’t you pull yourself up by your own jockstrap?”

Thank you everyone for your comments, it was nice to be reminded tonight that I’m not facing this alone.

anonymous poster 12 Jun 2011 @ 7:15 am

My favorite put down is trying to express yourself, but then being interrupted.

“Well, that’s your own low self esteem problem.”

And, I pretty much stopped talking after that.

Then came the torrent of platitudes, suggestions and advice, to which all I can say is “yes” or “yeah” or some other affirmative reply.

The conversation became one way, and I, who was supposed to talk, was the one doing the listening. And I had heard it all before, which meant that, to keep it from making the pain worse in how the well-meaning “answers” make you feel more of a failure as a human being, I had to become numb to it.

I’m pretty sure the person whom I was trying to share my thoughts with (my sister) thinks she’s made good points with me and certainly meant well, but what I felt was put down and shut down and thought that she really didn’t want to listen to me; she wanted to try and solve my problem without really knowing and understanding what that problem was. The really bad part is that you can clearly say that, but they still won’t understand and proceed with more of the same “good advice.”

So, that “conversation,” like any others similar to it, proved pretty much that nobody wants to listen to my thoughts and feelings. Nobody wants to know what’s keeping me down.

So I keep to myself.

I’ve kept it to myself for years.

The constant loneliness and heartache hurts a lot, but it hurts just as bad, if not worse because this is a kind of rejection, to try to connect with someone and to express yourself because all you will find are people who will give you the cold shoulder and not give a damn about the very things that are keeping you from being able to live.

You can even express suicidal thoughts, which are VERY serious, but these same people simply can’t comprehend what it’s really like to want to die because they may never have had to experience pain that is such that death becomes a kind of relief to that suffering …. that is unless you’re just as fearful of dying as you are of living.

A take on that “uncaring” person is actually one who may have experienced what it’s like and had overcome it but, instead of sympathizing, they try to use their experience to offer platitudes and “solutions” that are just as insensitive and hurtful as those who have never known what it’s like.

Essentially, you become trapped within your own emotional hell.

dee 19 Jun 2011 @ 2:42 pm

oops a year and half, silly ME!

Darren 20 Jun 2011 @ 7:31 am

Deppression is so common it is one of the few mental health issues most people would probably feel discussing without fear of other people running away.
I am largely not interested in what medical people think about this; which does put my view at a disadvantage to some people’s thinking.
I am just going to say this. If your mind is giving you clues that you might not be happy at the moment, perhaps it is time to change a few things. Perhaps not stop there radically change the way that you think about most everything. Start small and just think like this for a few seconds and then increase it in time.
Even if it didnt work it will stop you feeling so bad so in some ways it did work. When I got really down, I just did the above and it worked for me. I am not sure where the law is that you have to be depressed indefinitely, I mean you weren’t born depressed so clearly something happened to make you decide that meant it was easier for you to be unhappy.

AssHat 26 Jul 2011 @ 9:33 am

And when they kill themselves it will be all the sweeter.

Laura 31 Jul 2011 @ 11:32 am

Some of these actually made me laugh. Not because they are funny, but because you can tell the ignorance about depression from those who make the comments. An expression my sister and I joke about is “just don’t” – like you can “just” change by thinking, “okay, I won’t” without any other help. If only.

Craig 5 Aug 2011 @ 8:06 am

all the comments were great. its also so hard to tell people when your out numbered. And u know everyone has an opinion. I wish all of us could get together and talk to each others fam and friends. my cousin is the worst.He just straight insults me. Hell say no job no life no girl. Really hes just an 8th grade dropout with no smarts but it hurts as we are like brothers and supposed to build each other up, not tear down.

Michael 5 Aug 2011 @ 1:46 pm

Amen to all that has been said!

My favourite was the rehab councillor from work who (sweet thing) was trying to be helpful. “You know – you just need to be more resilient, like a tennis ball. The problem now is that you are fragile, like an egg.” I felt like saying something to the effect that if the world would stop throwing me against brick walls then it wouldn’t matter if I was a #&*@ tennis ball or a ?<&^ egg…

Dean 7 Aug 2011 @ 6:13 pm

Confidence is a marvelous thing and can help when things seem stacked against you. It motivates me to get on and do things. Otherwise I would spend all my time in forums moaning about how crap my life is.

Dean 15 Aug 2011 @ 1:01 pm

Ok Amy why cant you just snap out of it? Some days are worse than others right? So you can snap into it. I cant see any law stating that you cant just get up and declare I am not happy feeling so crap I just want to get on.

Amber 21 Aug 2011 @ 11:59 am

I suffer from depression and because it is menal and not physical alot of people dont take it seriously. I have been told that bi-polar disorder and depression are just excuses people use. I have trouble functioning most days because of it and I’m told that I’m just lazy or its just hard to get stuff done because youre old and fat. I’m 27 not 97.
I try to snap out of it without therapy or meds. Sometimes I can and soetimes I cant. But if someone else tells me to just snap out of it i just wanna hit them!

kadee 22 Aug 2011 @ 4:55 pm

Dont listen to dean unless you want to slit your wrist. Dean does not understand, thank god for him. They need to change the name depression to something different, something more serious! Like say if you know someone who is schizophrenic you would not tell them to snap out of it. Clinical depression is a serious illness, not to take lightly. I prey for everyone who suffers through it!

Dean 23 Aug 2011 @ 6:57 am

ok how about when you look back at your lives will it then finally dawn on you that it was you that wasted a given opportunity? No you probably wont. And that unfortunately the lesson that I take away we me about the mentality of people with depression.

Laurie 24 Aug 2011 @ 4:31 am

I’m sorry Dean is so angry about people with depression, even if he does lump all of us together into a mass mess. I hope he never has to cope with the clinical version himself.

Thanks for the thoughtful post, Nick.

Laurie 30 Aug 2011 @ 3:44 am

Kelly, here’s a few more resources: “The Mindful Way Through Depression” by Jon Kabat-Zinn (cognitive-based mindfulness therapy) and the meditation involved in that; UCLA’s Mindful Meditation Resource Center (has some nice guided meditation audios on its website, http://www.marc.ucla.edu); consider a SADD light; talk therapy combined with medication have been shown to be the most successful approach; some vitamin supplements may help, including B6, B12, and magnesium in larger doses than normal. Acupuncture sometimes helps. I’ve done/am doing them all, and most of the time I’m able to be very high functioning. And I’d hate to think what my most recent bout would be like without all that…

Deenis Teel 31 Aug 2011 @ 9:08 am

certain abnormalities of the brain account for manic depression and many other illnesses Dean is uneducated and obviously doesn’t care which also makes him a moron.

Luvster 1 Sep 2011 @ 10:12 am

Yes Dean, Confidence is a great thing to have and I have it too, but what the heck does that have anything to do when a loved one dies, finding out that you have cancer but think you can beat it with confidence (yet my family member still past away). Or my experience, Losing your job, having your car torn apart, having your girlfriend cheat on you and having surgery with malignant melonma IN THE SAME WEEK! Yea, I was really feeling great instead of being depressed. Yea people, you can snap out of that in a second!
Oh brother…….. Talk about putting someone down when they are already feeling down.

Nick Davies 3 Sep 2011 @ 12:01 am

Depression is an illness. It does not need a cause, it just is.

Like seasickness and toothache, it is treated as hilariously funny by the brutally insensitive. To the sufferer it feels as if there will never be joy or happiness ever again, just the prospect of unending suffering with only the prospect of death to offer any relief.

Do not talk about “positive attitude” and one’s ability to “snap out of it”. These remedies are not effective for toothache or sea sickness any more than they are effective for this debilitating, dreadful and wicked affliction. To suggest they are effective is to ignore the abject suffering of the depressed.

“Abject Suffering”? Yes, I said that. I am aware that others suffer abjectly, the abused, the oppressed. And many of those who are subjected bear up with fortitude and humour and are models of the resilience of the human spirit. They inspire the rest of us. But to suffer from depression is to have that fortitude and humour and resilience taken away from us, we are left naked and defenceless and tortured by the taunts and indifferences of those around us.

Naked and vulnerable, we are subjected to the merciless bullying of the superego, twenty four unsleeping hours a day, seven enless unrelelenting days a week, Always reminding us we are ineffective, useless and so unworthy of love that we do not recognise it when we see it. It truly is a living hell and the end cannot come soon enough.

Nick Davies

Dean 3 Sep 2011 @ 8:47 pm

ok fair enough.

Cookie crumbles 5 Sep 2011 @ 7:44 pm

Hi everyone, just wanted to make a few points. There’s been mention of people in third world countries who live in poverty without food etc and they just “get on with it”. People in these situations also suffer from mental illness, it doesnt discriminate. In the West we are lucky to have an advanced medical system so depression is talked about and treated here.

Dean, you are so lucky to have this level of ignorance about such a devastating disease. I wish i did.

I also agree that the word “Depression” should be changed. For me depression is not feeling sad. It is a state so far removed from normal emotion it is indescribable. Feeling sad is normal, depression is not normal.

Spending 4 years in utter misery fighting thoughts of suicide daily is not normal, it is a serious life threatening conditon which requires medical treatment. People do not complete suicide because they are “sad”. They are in utter mental torment and can see no other way out. Suicidal thoughts dont just “happen out the blue”. For me they are the result of a trial and error of trying to recover and not recovering. They are the result of trying ANYTHING to recover and getting nowhere. (Medication, meditation, therapy, Electro convulsive therapy, CBT, thinking positive, eating healthy)

For the severely depressed there is no relief from the torment and one can only do ones best to get thro it the best one can.

It’s easy for people who are mentally well to cast judgement/say unhelpful things, they after all have a base within themselves to work from. They have a familiar self and sense of well being to work with so its easy to see things in a black and white simple way. The severely depression do not have this luxury.

Keep going everyone.

:O)

Eli 11 Sep 2011 @ 1:42 am

stop being lazy. (that’s the worst of the all)

Nick Davies 12 Sep 2011 @ 11:12 pm

Dean.

Are you completely dense? Haven’t enough patient people tried to explain what goes in with depression?

You suggest that depressed people are too lazy to sort themselves out. This illustrates both your insensitivity to another’s suffering and you profound ignorance of the condition from which they suffer.

I have a suggestion for you. I think you should refrain from uttering such judgements in an area of which you are so obviously ill-informed. Whether you mean to or not, you are causing offense.

Nick.

anon 6 Jan 2012 @ 11:36 am

these suggestions are stupid. go say this to a depressed person and mostly likely, the will only get more depressed. you must have no empathy and god forbid you should ever have to deal with this terrible condition. people with depression don’t want to be around those who criticize or make fun of them. they really just want to be around people who care and at least try to understand. great article jerk ill make sure to not read it every day

lunasera 9 Jan 2012 @ 11:47 pm

The worst one my mom says to me is

“If you lost weight you wouldn’t be so depressed”

she also likes to say people feel happier when they exercise, which although may be true is entirely missing the point.

Alex 12 Jan 2012 @ 9:59 am

It effects everyone different. I found Nicks statements close to home.
I’m at work and can’t seem to get myself to do anything. I’m not lazy. Just can’t make myself do it.

I don’t want to feel like this. I’m trying to drop hints but nobodies picking it up. Been told a few of those wonderful lines too. Pissed me off.
One said to me “Just move on.” nearly slapped him.

concerned wife 16 Jan 2012 @ 4:22 pm

My husband has been diagnosed by his psychologist, and the universities medical hospital psychiatrist as having “severe major depression, recurrent, with extreme psychosis”. I have been unable to fully understand the extent of that diagnoses, but I think it is a very serious illness.

Considering his behavior over the past several months untreated, I couldn’t even imagine someone saying one of these comments to him regarding this absolutely disabiling desease. it’s like telling someone who has been paralyzed in a car accident to “walk it off”.

The problem I have is that he won’t take any medication because of his delusions. he believes they are poison. he has not givin any overt signs of suicide, so the doctors can’t force him to be hospitalized, which he knows about.

This list just proves that people are absolutely ignorant about so many things, but that doesn’t stop them about saying anything about what they don’t know.

I’m so concerned. To those of you depressed…..you loved ones are living it with you, maybe not to your extent, but they are living it as well. Good Luck all!

Concerned 18 Jan 2012 @ 10:30 pm

How do I tell a friend, in a nice way, that we are getting sick at tired of her constant referring to ex husband as the love of her life because he has died. She hated the sight of him, wrote bitterly how she would get him once the divorce came through, tell him things she has held back but now he has died only recently, she is telling us life is not worth living, he was the love of her life, what is she going to do without him in her life and it’s just getting worse, not better. If there’s no reaction from any of us, then she says we all hate her as much a she hates her life. She does have 2 small children by him and that’s another way to gain attention by constant referring that his children are now fatherless, when while he was alive, she didn’t want them to have much to do with their dad.
I love my friend but it’s getting so bad, how can we help her stop this behaviour. She is going to lose us if she does not change. We understand that it’s a shock but give us a break, she used to be so vicious and now she adores him apparently. Her ex boyfriend was also involved in a bad accident and for a while she milked that also but I think he must have told her to go away because that bit has stopped altogether.
How do we get through to her.

Some Guy With A Broken Brain 21 Jan 2012 @ 3:16 am

- God is not the answer, for it is him who provided the problem.
- Depression fuels depression. It’s depressing to not be able to make yourself take action to help your own depression.

“You just have to do it” was the dumbest advice I ever got, and that came from a psychologist.

Hannah 28 Jan 2012 @ 12:19 am

What a great thread! it’s just so great to see how well informed the world is. Anyone can see that it would be a much better choice to be miserable than happy, that’s why they aren’t getting better! Because they don’t want to! I mean depression is great! It’s name advertises only a constant state of sadness, but it actually involves a whole cocktail of emotions! You get guilt; from being inadequate, being alive, even from the illness itself! Not to mention the constant state of fear you get to live in at night thinking about how you have to get up the next morning. It van be extreme, but mostly it’s pretty mundane. If you like staying in bed, then depression is for you. You will get a desire To stay in it all day, every day. Mind you, you won’t be sleeping, or if you are it is either broken and short or long enough to suck up most of your day. It always leaves those last couple of hours. It’s merciful like that. It always gives you an extra couple of hours to stare at a wall, play tetras continuously or even plan each and every detail in a plan that ends in your death. So remember, next time you see someone with depression instead of telling them to choose not to be sad, join them in the amazing mental state that is depression.

Jae 28 Jan 2012 @ 7:26 pm

I am a chick; just to start things off, not a guy even though everyone says I have almost a male-esque depression…I have been word vomiting on everyone the whole story of my life why not online? I have been depressed since I was 9, back then my suicide plans were:
‘I’m going to move to Hawaii, eat a ton until I die alone’
That actually always makes me laugh in retrospect, because it’s so cute, I just want to go back and tell myself that’s not how you do it, silly.
Made it to 13, got picked on a lot, and thus ate a lot…a LOT… At 14, (this is the good part) my mom read my diaries and, wait for it organized an intervention, because being depressed is as bad as drugs. They made me go to therapy, which ended up being a bust so when I said I wanted to quit she had the audacity to tell me ‘you were just jealous of your brother’(who has social anxiety x10) so basically the reason I went to therapy was because she DIDNT invade my privacy.
I started therapy again with someone else after a year; it was ok…until…..my mom found my diaries AGAIN after promising they were my privacy the first time. So my beazy therapist told her to bring me in and they did a surprise intervention, which was the pre-cursor to my one major suicide attempt, which happens to be another great story of mother/daughter bonding.
Basically I got fed up with everything, the anti-depressants weren’t working, I couldn’t trust my therapist or my mother. So like a pro went the pill route….15 minutes and I caved in and told my mom what I had done, thinking it might help, WRONG. After I told her she freaked and cussed at me, words I would never repeat and then went to the middle of the house and screamed:
‘Your dumb-ass sister/daughter tried to (f-bomb) kill herself, so we’re going to the ER’
In the vehicle pretty much heard every single one of those phrases that don’t help. What was really hilarious was the fact that I forgot to factor in my enormous weight so had I not said anything to my mom I would’ve been just fine.
Then on the way to school one day she asked how I felt overall, I told her I still felt sad ,which was a mistake, because I got the “snap out of it” “you have no reason to be depressed” and then the “you think you have it bad, [insert life story with little relevance]”
So I started smiling, pretending to be happy which the actual advice of my psychiatrist was. I lost a lot of weight after I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on stimulants (didn’t emotional eat nearly as much)…
I have seen many a therapist and psychiatrists, and at about 17 I had to start paying for my care, because it’s not necessary according to my lovely mother.
Psychiatrists don’t care either, when I told my old one that I was so anxious that I considered killing myself to get out of a date, he replied
“I think those feelings are just a part of growing up”, when I pressed on that I really thought it was a problem I got the best thing from a Doctor of PSYCHIATRY
~*”well I think you are just too young to have real anxiety”*~
Stopped therapy again, broke ankle and got super depressed being inside all day on pain meds, started on therapist #7. I like #7, because she was able to see the imperfections of my mother, during the intake my mom said ALOUD
~”Yeah, my daughter’s broken ankle and depression it’s a real burden and inconvenience to me”~
I don’t have family support at all, and therapist #7 moved so I am now seeing #6 again because I like her, but she was really hard to get an appointment with.
And where we end off is I am in a deep depression, and I am not at all invested in trying to get better, because it hasn’t ever. Tomorrow is my birthday, I will be 19 which means OFFICIALLY over half of my life has been spent in this depression, sure it changes from wanting to kill myself and just wanting to not exist, but how many times can I say “this will be the year everything will get better ” I just feel like an idiot now. I haven’t been sleeping for 2 months, haven’t been eating (I have a cheese slice after 3 days of no food, sue me) and I have in fact been telling anyone these things only to basically be told that it’s pointless because I really am not committed to trying, and I have been on so many meds and, the whole exercise route, I am done so saying I am not committed to getting better at this point is totally true.
I am sorry for being self-absorbed; this article just brought back all those warm memories, some of the things people said in the comments really made me laugh, because they are sooo relatable. Overall I hope everyone actually can get better, and I know that no one actually will read the whole thing, story of my life. <3

Suzi 28 Jan 2012 @ 11:02 pm

I don’t even know what to write except that I’ve been in the same spot on my bed for the last 24 hours. Help

Laurie 31 Jan 2012 @ 4:43 am

Jae,

I say, kudos to you for keeping at trying to solve the issue all these years! Like you, my depression started young, with pre-adolescent hormones, and my family was useless. The hormones and depression may be related. Please, please don’t give up. A physical with hormone tests may help you get into a better balance, along with a better therapist and the right meds. Sadly, depression treatment is not a finished science, and a lot of plain ol’ art goes into it. But I found a fantastic therapist in a small Wyoming town and I’m managing to deal. Please try again.

Melody 31 Jan 2012 @ 3:29 pm

What the f**k is wrong with you guys, you ned to give yourselfs heads a shake, why must you insult people going through a hard time, what would you feel if I did this stuff to you?