Nothing cuts deeper to someone with depression, than when their serious condition is trivialized by another who doesn’t understand it. In an effort to counter this, let’s trivialize the way that people trivialize depression.
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There are lots of good ways to insult someone with depression. You need to give some unsolicited advice. Something simple, profound, and potentially life changing. Just snap out of it lacks imagination.
Here are some ideas:
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it!”
“Life isn’t meant to be easy.”
“This is what life is like. Get used to it.”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Who said that life is fair?”
“You just have to get on with things.”
“At least it’s not that bad.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“You have so many things. What do you have to feel down about?”
“You just need to cheer up.”
“Quit trying to be a martyr.”
“Stop taking all those medicines.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve been depressed for whole days at a time.”
These are my favorites:
“What you need is a good kick up the backside.”
“Go out and buy yourself some clothes. That will pick you up.”
“Are you sure you don’t have a mental problem?”
“How about I cook you a good meal. That will make things better.”
“Have you tried acupuncture?”
“Get a job!”
And the all time best:
“Why don’t you try not being depressed.”
(N.B. Occasionally someone reads this post and misses its sarcasm. Just to be clear, it isn’t mocking people with depression; it is pointing out how insensitive people can be.)
Another post on How to Help Someone with Depression lists some of the best things you can say.
debbie bellis 9 Aug 2007 @ 5:26 am
I loved reading the ways to insult someone with depression, ive had at least 10 of these said to me xxx
Stewart Hardlypie 9 Aug 2007 @ 12:28 pm
Wanting to insult the depressed is at least a healthy reaction as is evidenced by the wedding guest in the Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner when confronted with a sailor who wants to tell him everything that went wrong since he killed an albatross exclaims, “Unhand me you loon!”
When I was hospitalized on the Depression floor of my local hospital I never felt so at home watching westerns in the evening with a group of kindred spirits whose knowledge of the movies was no less than encyclopedic…some even knew the names of the Indians who were extras in a “cast of thousands”.
ed 12 Aug 2007 @ 8:30 am
Here’s one:
“At some point don’t you just have to admit you’re better?”
ugh.
dexter mcclane 12 Aug 2007 @ 10:17 am
All you need is a gun and some time alone.
Ollie 12 Aug 2007 @ 9:48 pm
I’ve ran into this suggestion more than once…
“You must not be living right.” implying that there must be sin in my life and God would allow me to be happy if I could straighten out my life.
Abra 13 Aug 2007 @ 7:20 am
It’s amazing to me to see the things I hear all the time are said to others like me as well. It’s really sad. I wish I could say it was funny. But it’s a little too close to home anymore. People never understand what this is like. Lucky for them!
lauren 13 Aug 2007 @ 7:58 am
My mother always says things like, “Yeah, I know how you feel, but that’s nothing… [story about something "so much worse" to try and give you perspective]…”
Tori 13 Aug 2007 @ 10:01 pm
When I read this page it really struck a cord. I suffer from moderate depression and anxiety and I actually went partially bald from supressed anxiety (which I’m told is just another form of depression). As a result I see a therapist twice a month and take two seperate types of medication. That being said, I have to say I was reading these and thinking that half of these things weren’t offensive to me at all. Not only that, but *I* say these things to people sometimes.
Of course, there were the obviously rude remarks, like the kick in the backside comment, but, on the whole I start to feel narcissistic and start getting on my *own* nerves when I obsess about the things that are bothering me or when I’m just plain depressed in general and know I have no real reasonfor it beyond this annoying illness. When that happens I do everything in my power to “get over myself” and overcome it. I sincerely mean no offense and by no means am I trying to insinuate that others don’t try to overcome their depression as well, it’s just that I’m not so sure that all of these are bad suggestions, and I felt the need to add my point of view. Then again I’ve always been just a little bit “crazy.” ;o)
james 13 Aug 2007 @ 11:37 pm
I’ve only been offended once, when someone told me that bipolar disorder is due to a psychological weakness and that medicine can’t help. The thing that was most offensive was his zeal in trying to convert me to his own theories on depression (which were based on a book that he read).
Emma 16 Aug 2007 @ 12:40 pm
In response to Tori, I think that there is a big difference between applying some of those attitudes internally and hearing them from somebody else.
I know that for me “just getting on with things” can be helpful… IF I can do it. On bad days kicking my own butt might only get me as far as out of bed. The insult comes when someone suggests that I’m not trying that, just because they can’t see the results.
I think the only one that really bothers me is when people talk about their own situation being so much worse. It isn’t a competition, is it? And using someone else’s distress as an opportunity to change the topic to themselves is extremely narcissistic.
Syl 18 Aug 2007 @ 2:30 pm
awful… just awful
Diana 21 Aug 2007 @ 8:58 pm
I completely agree with Emma.
I absolutely hate it when someone will be telling a heart wrenching and painful story about something they went through and then someone else chimes in with, “Oh, I’ve been through worse.” And then proceeds to dismiss the other person to tell their own story, thinking this is helpful the whole while.
Ugh.
Here’s the worst advice someone gave me once.
“If you’re really that miserable, just off yourself”.
This, from someone I once loved. Only someone truly miserable themselves, could ever say something so cold blooded to anyone else.
Andy 22 Aug 2007 @ 4:32 pm
Yep, I’ve heard nearly all of those
from my mum, I’ve also been on
anti-depressants since around 14
ten years later. Let me put it this
way, I do have depression, but thanks
to ever wanting to please people I did
whatever they wanted no matter how
bad things got.
I have two diplomas and qualifications in
business, an outstanding achievers award
and no job, why because for all that
for all the work and all the time,
I never heard these words from the people I needed to hear them from
“do what makes you happy”
I wish I was never born
but it really is very hard to kill yourself
and I sometimes envy those who have done it.
I value life, I just don’t want mine.
Dave 23 Aug 2007 @ 6:53 pm
Hey Andy…
I spent most of my adult life living for the expectations of other people. I framed my worth around whether or not others would be pleased with my efforts. Thats’ no way to be Bro’, and it took months of the ‘right’ meds for me to get up the “cajones” to decide that “enough is enough”! I went out and got tattoos, bought myself some things I wanted, did some stuff for ME; and you know what I got?…MORE RESPECT! Don’t trivialize yourself by saying you don’t want your life…right now you don’t have your own life. It sounds like you’ve accomplished a great deal….reward yourself Brother!
Dave 23 Aug 2007 @ 6:46 pm
I think one of the most important things in dealing with a depressed friend/family member is to not be patronizing or condecending. Just because someone is depressed dosen’t mean they are unaware.
MJ 26 Aug 2007 @ 9:20 am
An old boss who took me aside: “You just need to wake up in the morning and decide, ‘I’m going to be happy today!’”
After discussing how bad my depression was with a friend, when I mentioned that my house was a disaster and I just couldn’t make myself clean it, she said, “And you don’t even work – you have NO excuse not to have a clean house!”
dawson 27 Aug 2007 @ 11:54 am
While I am spiritual and, by weak faith, a Christian, one of the worst things for me to heat someone say is “Just pray” or quote the bible out of context, e.g. “God gives those He loves peace”. God is not so glib. The ‘Man of sorrows’ was “aquainted with grief”. Psalm 88 I tell them, read Ps 88 and get back to me….
losmilzo 28 Aug 2007 @ 3:47 am
You know, i heard all of this “insults” when i was depressed and they did work. the one that worked the magic was the “snap out of it” I thought then “why not?” of course it wasn’t easy and quick but i tried to change the way i think , the way i do things. They may seem insults but at the bottom of some of them there’s some truth. Start doing things that make you happy, pretend not to be depressed for at least 5 minutes, trick your brain and have faith in wathever is important for you. You are the center of your universe.
Ben Howes 28 Aug 2007 @ 5:26 am
“Try not being depressed?”
get a reality check you delusional loony.
You ever been depressed?
not just sad, you pansy.
you have no idea what depression is.
Life has some excellent things to it.
but overall it’s a pointless venture where everyone tries to rape and kill as much as they can..
lay off the meds.
take a walk through some homeless shelters.
optimist’s need to open their eyes.
the world isn’t full of sunshine farts.
Paul 28 Aug 2007 @ 5:52 am
Yes it all sounds so familiar… I was in a deep clinical depression for around a year and heard this kind of stuff from all corners, worst of all from my employer who thought I was nuts and some sort of threat to the kids at school! Hell he was lucky I was in the few weeks I managed to get into school and pretend to teach. I only did it out of duty. People seem to think that the depressed (I hate that term – sorry) are mad, bad or both. Depression happens when a deeply held belief about oneself or one’s life is shown to be incorrect in a deeply negative way, so the mind builds an isolative ‘prison’ to protect us from these inconsistencies that are bombarding us – the trouble is our subconcious then takes these inconsistencies and tortures us… I know this may not be everyones view of being depressed, but I know many who felt like this, and I’m writing it for the sake of those who feel like this and think they are alone – you are not the only one.
I guess the real battle is one of reasoning – but it’s an internal process working out that you are not bad, unworthy, evil and worthless or whatever evidence your mind is feeding you with. It is possible to get out of it – please believe me when I say this. You just have to be open minded with the thoughts that constantly pop into your head and give the ‘good’ ones equal space too. Allow the same analysis that you’ve done a million times in your head to prove you are worthless work on those other thoughts. You’ll often find that the ‘good’ thoughts still lead to the conclusion that your shit – but for some, such as me, just one came to a more positive conclusion and a crack appeared in my isolative prison wall. Once the crack appears please don’t turn your back on it – try to entertain the idea that you can get out of this prison and work towards it. Don’t know how antidepressants get you thorough things – they turned me into a lethargic zombie; took my first dose then embarked on a 150 mile journey – they kicked in whilst I was on the motorway, not good. I’m of course not advocating people throwing away medication prescribed – you should always take then if prescribed, but before you go on them, realise that a pill will not correct the false impressions in your mind and get you in touch with the reality beyond those impressions. Ask, no insist on a referral for Coqnitive Behavioural Therapy, or buy a book on the subject and do it yourself. For most people the prison will not come down until you reason that all the negatives you currently know to be true are false, or at least could be false.
I send my love to everyone out there who is feeling this way, knowing that I cannot do anything for you really to ease this torment, and this is my poor attempt at assitance, such as it is, but I will end in saying that you can beat it – I did and I’m friends with others that have; support networks are out there – be brave and use them, I’ve yet to meet someone who didn’t benefit from them.
gc 29 Aug 2007 @ 5:37 pm
the problem with depression, is no one can see the wheel chair or the crutches. If they could, they’d likely be more careful about what they say.
G
David 2 Sep 2007 @ 3:36 am
Gc got it right. I find a lot of the time people with depression want to be understood about as little as people tend to understand them anyway.
So many people use the shield of “You Wouldn’t Understand Anyway” and “It’s a Disease” and then have the nerve to blame the actions of others. I don’t know about you, but if I had, say, cancer, I wouldn’t find someone telling me to “harden up” insulting in the least; I’d just find it retarded.
Don’t get up in arms over it. Explain, calmly, as much as you can. If someone doesn’t, and by definition can’t understand what you are going through, you can’t blame them for that. What might help, is just flat out saying “Hey, it really hurts me that you say something like that. Don’t think I don’t try.”
While it’s mercifully avoided me, enough people in my immediate family and close friends of mine have suffered from major depression that I am still quite familiar with it, enough to be able to know that if someone _can’t_ understand something that works in the same way that you _can’t_ snap out of it. So chill out.
lulu 5 Sep 2007 @ 8:17 pm
My favourite has always been: “L. thinks she’s going to live forever and has time to be depressed.”
Yeah, that really helped a lot. That was more than 25 years ago and I still remember it. Especially now when I look back on those years and wonder why I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the migraines, depression and fibromyalgia to marry, raise a family and have a career.
Professors and employers used to tell me I had potential. Clearly I’ve misplaced it.
fawnalisa 6 Sep 2007 @ 2:03 pm
The worst come back in the mists of depression, is “YOU LET THEM”. It magnifies the guilt weighing down the regret of that momment that has me marinating in the memories I regret the most.
Yeah boo hoo, but its true. You reach out to what you hope are trusted ears and you get, well “YOU LET THEM”. Creates a deeper ache.
Mary 7 Sep 2007 @ 1:38 pm
Some of the best things on this comment page were written by Paul. He says:
“It is possible to get out of it – please believe me when I say this. You just have to be open minded with the thoughts that constantly pop into your head and give the “good” ones equal space too. Allow the same analysis that you’ve done a million times in your head to prove you are worthless work on those other thoughts. You’ll often find that the “good” thoughts still lead to the conclusion that your shit – but for some, such as me…..”
Torture is a good word to describe what we do to ourselves. Sometimes, let’s face it, a lot of times, we let ourselves get totally consumed by our depression.
As for all those things you don’t want to say to a depressed person, I agree with the majority of them except the one about pulling yourself together. Having someone who cares about you suggest that you need to pull yourself together, if presented in the right way, can be very helpful. Especially if they can give you something else to focus on besides your own grief. Sometimes, it CAN work!
bob 7 Sep 2007 @ 6:34 am
I’ve gone through deep depressions several times in my life. After the first time I realized some things that I considered profound…
1) In a suicidal depression, when you’re right on the verge… you can kill yourself. A simple action, and you can have total, undeniable control over absolutely every aspect of your life. Understanding this truth at such a personal level for me was profound. If I could control that with my choices; I could take back control over anything, even with simple actions.
2) Although depression can be hell to go through; it can actually be an opportunity. When you go through a depression something very real is happening to you. Your brain actually shrinks; you lose connections. Emerging out of a depression, you have the ability to reshape your brain in a way that someone that has not gone through a depression can’t… by rebuilding those connections in new ways. It’s hard work, but you have an ability to change yourself like no one else can through arriving at deeper understandings. Go with it. Let yourself be depressed if you need to (but don’t force it), understand and become a better person.
John 7 Sep 2007 @ 8:06 am
My father said a variety of these things to me with enough frequency to seriously damage our relationship. My father is no longer my friend, and we are both much happier of we do not speak to each other. I’ll guarantee that, now!
I give as good as I get and I don’t hesitate a second to tell the bully what a coward he has continually proven himself to be.
Julie 9 Sep 2007 @ 5:30 pm
I’ve been told “I can’t help you” from a family member, and ignored! That’s even more insulting than words!
SandyVC 13 Sep 2007 @ 10:28 am
These statements are direct quotes from my family; which, despite the massive public campaigns to educate people on the subject, still thinks I do this on purpose to get attention. I have not even talked about my challenges in at least 30 years, yet they still think I am about to launch into some tale of woes. The first indication that I had issues came when I was 18 months old. My parents were told repeatedly over the years to get me help. My mother, a born-again-Christian said if I were truly born-again I would be fine. When she was angry she told me I was demon possessed. Now, at 59, they tell my 25 year old son that I am not ill and that he should get away from me. “We will take you in.” He can barely tolerate being in the same city with them. He also suffers from Depression and Anxiety but not from Borderline Personality Disorder and phobias as I do. He has watched me struggle and overcome much. He is supportiing me in the Post Traumatic Stress I suffer from a very long run of losing homes and jobs. Without medications, day-by-day effort and the practice of mindfulness I would not be alive despite the support of my friends. I have spent 40 plus years working to be whole and healthy and made a great deal of progress, yet I know I can never be without medication. My family seems to waffle back and forth between blaming me and blaming the meds. My only contact with my family is out of compassion for them and it is rare. My son thinks I should just walk away. As a Buddhist, I know that it is the negativity and lack of support that drove me to learn what I have and become what I am. I understand that the nasty, ignorant, and downright stupid things people say to me come from a place of fear and helplessness. After all, “If you have a brain you can have a mental illness.” (Unknown)
Still…I can only take so much and I have to flee and recover. The subconscious and the parasitical toxic emotions do grab hold of this stuff to torture us with. It is a full time job just to shut off the ruminations. It took me most of my adult life, to date, to accept that I am physically ill and cannot pull myself up by my boot straps. I wish I had not spent so much time out of it because I did not want to use the drugs, which for so long was the goal of psychotherapy. No, it appears, the goal is to plug you full of drugs and send you back into the fray that triggers the whole mess again.
AntiqueSandy
Holli 17 Sep 2007 @ 12:05 am
I’ve had people tell me to “up my dosage” ask if my medication was “working” or if I had been taking it. The saddest part, I’ve heard everyone of those at least twice! I want to give a copy of this to everyone of my co-workers!!!!
Doris 17 Sep 2007 @ 10:57 pm
I think people who say these things are at a loss of knowing what to say. They may have never personally experienced depression and don’t understand how horrendous it can be. I went through depression and although I had a family who loved and supported me, I had to work really hard with God’s help to change the way my mind was telling me to feel and act. I relied on God’s word and stayed in close communication with Him. I had to stay away from negative people and what they would say negative. Also, anything that brought me down such as the news on tv. I don’t think anyone can say they truly understand what you’re going through in a time of depression, unless they’ve gone through it themself. Sometimes someone’s hand on my shoulder was enough to strengthen me even though they may not have realized it. Thank God I am no longer depressed and never want to go back with God’s help. I pray for each one knowing they can make it through this hard time!
Jeff 18 Sep 2007 @ 7:13 am
I can’t believe how tired I am of hearing: “Just do this–just do that,” as if all of life’s problems can be solved for a depressed person at the whimsical snap of the fingers. It drives me nuts.
It isn’t unwise to understand the source of depression, either. In our society, we constantly strive to press natural beings into an artificial existence. As a rule, we are required to destroy our environment, pollute our air and waters, and take away the resources from future generations. Not only that, but in our modern world, we are so busy trying to live up to ideals–fabricated concepts by which we define ourselves–and to try to earn money that we deify, that we don’t know our true selves any longer. Depression actually vanishes for me when living in nature–I’m not talking about a mere hike in the park, but actually existing in the way we are supposed to as natural beings. In society, however, I’m bipolar. When is everyone going to wake-up and see that this system just simply doesn’t work on so many levels?
Errant Thoughts » Blog Archive » Mental Illness Myths 26 Sep 2007 @ 6:01 am
[...] to add: A fantastic page I stumbled on, Ways to Insult Someone with Depression—all those things NOT to say to someone who’s [...]
Josie 3 Oct 2007 @ 4:46 pm
I’ve always broken depression into two camps: Causal (or Situational) and Chemical (or Clinical).
With Causal depression, you are depressed for a reason, and you can get over it. With a great deal of work and effort and faith and patience, you can get over it. “Just snap out of it” tends to work for Causal depression. Not quickly, of course, but I’ve seen a few posts here, such as Paul’s, who enumerate a cause for depression and suggest things to alleviate it. I am glad that your depression can abate, that you can heal and be whole again. I truly am. But that is not every depressant’s situation, as you say. I know and am glad that you acknowledge that not everyone perceives depression the way you do, because it’s very very true.
With Clinical depression, you are depressed for absolutely no reason at all. Nothing is wrong, no one has run over your dog or altered your perception of yourself. Your brain simply is not and will not create or is not and will not receive enough of the chemicals it needs to maintain a healthy state of mind. It’s source physical, not situational, and this is when medication is often not only helpful, but vital. Separating emotional sources from the physical brain structure is a fine line and a very difficult one to diagnose and treat. This is where “just snap out of it” falls flat on its face and becomes hurtful.
A friend of mine likened Causal depression to a radio station. Imagine that there is a little DJ sitting in your head playing records. The records all have titles like “You’re A Loser” and “There’s No Reason to Smile” and “Why Bother?” and so on. I imagine we’ve all heard these songs. Depression’s Greatest Hits.
She suggests that when you hear these songs you should fire the DJ. He’s poison in your brain. Instead, try “You Can Do It!” and “Up And At ‘Em, Tiger!” and “I Believe In You!” – these are all good songs to switch to. Positive reinforcement, essentially. And for some people, they work wonders.
For the Clinically depressed, however, they can make matters worse. Because you feel guilty when the songs don’t work. Ugh. Rainbows and butterflies and inspirational platitudes can really make you want to toss the furniture around the room if they don’t help. Which is why a carer really needs to understand the source of a particular person’s situation. We’re all so vastly different.
Having suffered from both Causal and Clinical depression, I’ve learned to tell one from the other. I can feel the difference. I know when I’m sad because my brain is just not working right, and when I’m sad because my goldfish or grandmother or cactus died.
There’s also the question of Clinical depression occasionally being the source of Causal depression. “My brain chemistry has made me depressed. That fact makes me even sadder.” Ooh, that’s a nasty one. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. In a situation like that, firing the DJ can really help, at least with half of the problem, so you can pull yourself together enough to deal with the other half.
On a side note (pun intended), while we’re speaking of DJs, I’ve found that listening to music is a powerfully helpful coping technique for me. I’ve got a friend who is both a musician and a biochemist. He is actually studying the way that music (and other sounds, of course) actually change the structure of the brain itself. Heavy Metal or soft ballads? Rap or gentle harp music? Trumpet or flute? A crying baby or a purring cat? A crack of lightning or the gentle patter of raindrops on the grass? Voice of a loved one or the voice of your boss(or other stressor)? Fascinating work, he’s doing.
Ishkabibble 3 Oct 2007 @ 10:09 pm
How about: “Smile and you’ll feel better”
Bootstraps anyone?
DiAnna 8 Oct 2007 @ 2:38 pm
How about this one? “It’s a matter of MIND OVER MATTER: If you DON’T MIND, it DON’T MATTER!”
I heard that over and over when I went thru my period of post-partum depression, my second real clinical depression.
I’ve heard most of the things at the top, so many times. Especially from my mother, who also suffers from depression.
Josie 9 Oct 2007 @ 5:22 pm
“I can’t pick myself up by my bootstraps. I have no bootstraps, my shoes are worn down to the SOUL.”
ottosz 11 Oct 2007 @ 12:43 pm
Josie, your DJ analogy is fantastic!
“Depression’s Greatest Hits”, lol… now that made me smile.
tochol 16 Oct 2007 @ 12:45 pm
Thanks so much for this post.
I’d also like to add one of the things told me by a fine, loving, devout sister, after 30 years of dealing with chronic depression.
“Are you sure there isn’t some unconfessed sin in your life that’s causing this separation from God’s love.”
Yikes!! Talk about hurt. Now I’m sinful, banned from God’s love and a jerk for letting it go on so long! Sigh… She did mean well, but “ouch.”
meilat 9 Nov 2007 @ 6:15 pm
i have read all of your insights on this.. and i am astonshied.
in my opinion, depression can only beovercome if we ourselves can reach outfor the support we are getting and pull through. i have gotten most of the comments made above and it kills me to know that there are people making such careless comments on such significant issues. the insluts can be taken very differently between diferent individuals. so i guess its how an individual interprets among the information received.
my mom doesnt understand my depression at all. she thinks im just lazy .. but i keep trying to tell her that its a real problem and im trying my best to get out of the situation as mush as i can. but i cant change her mind.
what intrigued me the most is that my close friends and family think that im crazy or of that sort….
anyways im seeking treatment . isnt that good enough of an improvement for them to see that im trying my best.
Paul i was intrigued by what you wrote …. thats exactly how i feel
Kylie 10 Nov 2007 @ 12:51 am
While I have been through depression also and have friends who have been through worse, sometimes people say those things to us to genuinely try and help. When you see someone who keeps coming to work depressed and you want to help them, what can you say?
Sududtoday 22 Nov 2007 @ 12:59 pm
Even when you know the person saying it is trying to be helpful, it still hurts. It’s like saying you’re the way you are because you didn’t do a, b, c, d…. Does anyone need that? Especially when you’re already down? Especially when you already know that there are no situations that is making you feel the way you do? BTW, medications are not supposed to make you a zombie but to create a chemical balance that was missing in your brain.
cassie 24 Nov 2007 @ 2:53 pm
the one i hear all the time is snap out of it. does that help me now, because if i could snap out if dont you think i would. they think they understand what your going through when they don’t and they think by saying pull yourself together everything is going to be fine well its alot easier said than done.
bignose 24 Nov 2007 @ 5:49 pm
Thanks for the list of things *not* to say.
However, this doesn’t really move us toward better behaviour; there are countless more “worst things to say” that could be listed.
How about a list of things that *should* be said in this situation?
james 24 Nov 2007 @ 8:02 pm
Here is the one that you’re after. I hope it helps.
http://www.findingoptimism.com/healthy-mind/ways-to-build-up-someone-with-depression/
Ruth 26 Nov 2007 @ 3:33 pm
Just thought I’d add…as a person who currently can’t afford the therapy or the medication…who is married to someone else who can’t afford the therapy or the medication…
Once, my husband was told…by a mental health professional(!) that his panic disorder and obsessiveness was something common among housewives. Never mind what this says about homemakers, never mind what this says about his mental state at the time…how could any professional be so immasculating, and egotistical, so rude and unfeeling to say something like this!?
What is our recourse when we have to try, try and try again for the “right fit” both med and therapy in this world. PLEASE VOTE WISELY!
Almeda 1 Jan 2008 @ 11:17 pm
As a depressive of more than 10 years, my favorite has to be (from my parents, both of whom have unsuccessfully battled depression my whole life while insisting that’s not what’s going on):
“If you’d just stop thinking like a victim, you’d get over this. You control your life! Act like it!”
zoem 7 Feb 2008 @ 5:59 am
I agree that some parts of depression can be dealt with, using CBT or other therapy… but that doesn’t make it trivial…
I have been diagnosed as bipolar for about 4 years, and as depressive for 10 years over that – and I have heard all of these over time. I am fortunate that my family and closest loved ones are informed, and have been very supportive… Though my mom has on a few occasions said, “Well, at least you’re not schizophrenic” which has to be the most bizarre.
But there’s little I can do to avoid these from friends, or even my employer.
My boss said to me, “Sounds like a personal problem. Deal with it.”
I guess people don’t realize how debilitating it can be to not be able to sleep, to sleep all day, to be constantly sick from changing medications.. and that’s not even to touch on the true emotional and mental impact.
Years ago I didn’t think of myself as ill. I probably believed many of these things myself. I have come to the point where I know that I *am* sick. It’s not a personal failure. And I hope that I’ll get better.
Steph 14 Feb 2008 @ 10:49 pm
One sad day I broke down to my doctor and my therapist as I could not cope with “it” alone anymore, since then I have felt labelled as vulnerable and weak. ALL my so called friends have no time for me, they probably find my failures amusing. My family refuses to believe the severity of my condition. I have aquired the taste for alcohol and cigarettes. A new insult; “at least you have your health!” Are thoughts of suicide healthy?
Jackal 27 Feb 2008 @ 5:07 pm
sigh
G 18 Mar 2008 @ 8:44 am
“You know, life’s like the weather: sometimes it rains, then the sun comes out.”
What a great advice – always sounds to me like ‘Forest Gump’. As is the case with most of these retarded sayings. Which says way more about the people throwing that crap at you than about yourself.
Yet, worst for me has been that most of the people who seem to have taken several classes on “Ways to insult a person with depression” really want to encourage you, but have not developed any kind of empathy or at least rhetorical abilities to make that happen. Hard for me to see how one can walk through life without getting a sense of at least treating a person decently – as a person.
etta 22 Mar 2008 @ 7:05 am
Excellent post and replies. This is something I have constantly run into during my seven years of depression and have constantly worked to educate people about. The problem with depression is that it is not only an illness, but it is also a feeling. Therefore, everyone around us thinks they understand what we are going through even though they don’t have a clue!
I wrote a similar post in January after an experience I had in a support group for recovering alcoholics. http://depressionmarathon.blogspot.com/2008/01/looney-tunes.html
Thanks for the great conversation!
C. 26 Mar 2008 @ 4:12 pm
It’s always fun to ask the people who say these kinds of things how well it works when they tell a quadriplegic to quit being so lazy and get up and do something: “No? You mean your advice isn’t actually helpful for people suffering from major illnesses?” (Bat eyelashes in puzzlement.)
Carol Ann 27 Mar 2008 @ 3:01 am
Wow…talk about fate (or circumstance) and finding, in a COMPLETELY round-about way, just what you needed to hear. As has been already spoken by others, I wish I could print this out and post it on the employee bulletin board in my office (then somehow FORCE every employee to read ALL the comments, which are stunningly veracious and obviously written by many of us who are not only educated, but unfortunately, suffer this disease.
I feel that in most cases, also aforementioned, these comments are born of ignorance and not cruelty. Not to state that most people are basically ignorant (though, I admit having said that a time or 202), but uneducated on major clinical depression. Sadly, the majority of them not only are uneducated, but do not care to BE educated, instead, they go about spouting these inane comments about something that I believe, NO ONE can truly understand unless they have experienced it. A bigger person would admit that.
I have found that what helps me the most is not what my loved ones SAY, but what they don’t say, that is, that they are willing to LISTEN and have no compulsion to retort with “helpful” advice such as is listed here. They are able to do this and to KNOW it’s what I need, because they CARED enough to educated themselves. In doing so, they also know when I just want them there but do not feel like talking or conversation and, perhaps most importantly of all, understand when I just want to be left alone and do so without drama or childishness that I certainly do not need to add to my already overflowing plate at this time.
That being said, the MOST hurtful words spoken to me during my treatment-resistant depression were the ones I never heard from so-called friends who suddenly became too busy with an unending list of excuses why they could not find the two minutes it takes to send an e-mail or a text message and just say “Hey! I’m thinking of you and I just wanted you to know that I am and that I love you.”
I could have received ten of those supportive messages in the time it took them to type out 14 excuses why I had heard NOTHING from them.
Number 51. That hurt.
R.S.S. 29 Mar 2008 @ 11:26 am
HERE IS A GOOD ONE…”DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH A CRAZY F…… BITCH EVERYDAY?!” OR “WHY CANT IT JUST BE OK?” “YOU NEED TO JUST GET OVER IT” THOSE ARE THE FEW FAVORITES THAT IVE HEARD UPON ADDRESSING MY SEVERE DEPRESSION TO THE ONE I LOVE.
Amy 8 Apr 2008 @ 2:46 pm
I have read nearly every reply and find myself as the author of each. My husband, a nurse, told me that he understands my disease, but that it’s very difficult to live with someone who brings him down all the time and that our life is perfect and why can’t I see the beauty of life instead of being so angry all the time…doesn’t sound like he understands it to me.
Nothing could make me feel worse than having someone tell me that my disease brings them down, but at least he can get away from me. I can’t.
Medications help. It has nothing to do with circumstances in my life and I cry even on the most beautiful days God created. I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Iain 14 Apr 2008 @ 4:25 am
“After everything we have sacrificed for you.” I was a Pound Pup until I no longer made “My Carers.” look good. Yet suffered the burden of want. A child. Constantly sacrificed emotionally. Each step forward a trap lay in wait. Anyone would find themselves lost. Sick, sad at the sound of peoples laughter. What’s funny anymore? What is left to give or receive. When the guts have been ripped out. Adopted at five days old now dismissed at 54. Depression can be a symptom of abuse & threats, directed to serve only empty predators to amuse.
Kari 14 Apr 2008 @ 9:01 am
“You need to get your act together! You’ve let your life go as far as it needs to go. You better spend the day thinking about your life. I’m upset with you, but I’m worried about you.” Then she told me she had things to do and hung up on me.This comes from a woman who can’t bother to talk to me, unless I unplug my phone for a few days, then she wants to bring the cops and break down my door.
I can go for weeks without talking to anyone, until they want to talk to me, then it’s an emergency and threats ensue. Whatever.
Hi 16 May 2008 @ 1:00 pm
Thank you for this.
john 20 May 2008 @ 12:20 pm
“I Dream of Death”
What is death? Is it a wasteland of eternal torment and carnage or is it a place of never ending bliss and enlightenment. What is death? Is it the end of all time or is it the beginning of a new saga? What is death? Does it reside in the realm of mortals or does it pay homage to fallen angels?
I dream of death on a constant basis. I imagine it’s calm, seducing worlds of never ending white as the cleanest of all places. It’s not a land plagued by disease, deceit, or destruction. It is a place where all creatures are created equal, where all men and women are free of all obligations, and where all imagination ceases to exist.
I dream of death because it knows not of political correctness. No one cares when your skin is non existent. I dream of this fantastic world free of mans most basic necessities – shelter, food, and the need to procreate. This place doesn’t put limits on who it accepts. All wouldbe adventurers are welcome with open arms… whether you’re a house burglar that was shot upon breaking and entering or a policemen shot in the line of fire, death welcomes you with open arms and no bias of any kind. Whether you were Hitler in WWII or an advocate for racial peace in the sixties, death cares not.
It doesn’t discriminate against the elderly or the weak and disabled. It makes no difference to death what religion you once believed in. It matters not that all creatures of this universe are guilty of sin in one form or another. None of this has any bearing on gaining entry to the wonderful, complacent, and utterly quiet existence that is death.
Man has always stated that it is wrong to end the gift that is life by ones own accord. Why is this wrong? Is is truly wrong? Does death care? Does the inventor of life truly care? Did the creator of all life in fact create death? If so, why make it impossible to say goodbye to life if one is disgusted with the world around him? Who makes these rules? Surely, death has it’s own set of rules. Surely, they aren’t always obeyed. Who is going to punish those who don’t obey these rules?
Life for most starts out as a wonderful experience strife with new possibilities and endless combinations. Anything is possible… the imagination being the only limiter in this equation. All of this is truly beautiful until you factor in the innumerable negative factors that man has created for himself over the course of time.
Considering that life only brings in a fraction of joy compared to the overwhelming negative heartaches of everyday life as it’s been since mans inception, it’s a true miracle that someone hasn’t ended our existence with the push of a button in recent decades.
I dream of death
james 20 May 2008 @ 5:22 pm
John,
Thanks for making such an effort with this post. As a Christian I’ll put my hand up and say that I disagree with almost everything that you’ve said : ), but it’s helpful on a site like this to have a cross-section of views and room for discussion.
Cheers.
Isa 16 Jun 2008 @ 3:38 am
James,
Self-righteous much?
james 16 Jun 2008 @ 3:42 am
Isa, you’ll need to clarify for me. James.
Merri Ellen 18 Jun 2008 @ 1:41 pm
The worst is when you say those things to yourself. That’s when hope has left.
So, for me I had to surround myself with people who saw hope for my future and leave those who didn’t give me hope.
Merri Ellen 21 Jun 2008 @ 11:05 am
James,
I think you may have come across, in your comment to John above, as “there, there – good for you – nice effort – but I know better.”
But, I think and hope you rather want to listen, as Jesus himself did, to those who expressed pain and frustration and then guided them to hope rather than condemning them. After all, it was the religious priests of the day who condemned – not Jesus. Simply reading his story again will make this obvious.
James, I don’t think that was your initial intent – especially with this blog – you are hoping to bring hope to those who are seeking it. You yourself have raised your hand to show others you are not perfect just by telling your story.
I trust and hope your visitors will forgive you for your unintended comment.
james 21 Jun 2008 @ 9:21 pm
Merri Ellen, thanks for bringing this to my intention. You are right in saying that I have come across poorly. That was certainly not my intention and I apologize to John and other readers. I was trying to express my gratitude to John for obviously putting a lot of time into writing the “comment”, while making the point that as a Christian I believe in God’s mercifulness. Jesus is full of empathy and compassion and I am trying to reflect this in my writing. Obviously, I need to work on it more, and this is a good case in point.
Judi Marie 22 Jun 2008 @ 8:54 am
I’m 29 years old, and I’ve suffered from depression since I was about 5 years old, I believe. My family hit me with almost every one of the “insults” on the list at some point or another. But my personal favorite was the one that essentially prevented me from getting the help that I needed until I was 23 years old. It was: “Pray.” *sigh*
I’m a devout Catholic, and I would be wrong if I didn’t admit that my faith in God is probably the only thing that kept alive until I finally saw a doctor. But to tell a depressed person to “pray,” “just trust God for healing,” or “stop blocking God from sending healing by not thinking positive and seeing yourself well” while ignoring that God’s answer could be in the therapist down the street is not only insulting, it’s depressing.
Thanks for this. Your blog is amazing.
Merri Ellen 24 Jun 2008 @ 12:02 am
Thanks James – Thanks for your apology and for being real.
blanche 19 Jul 2008 @ 6:20 pm
Amen
Lynne 26 Jul 2008 @ 7:20 am
Hello to all fellow travelers
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It helps knowing we are not alone in our struggle. I’m convinced I acquired my depression through a defective gene that my father and his sister also have. I am so grateful that we now have many choices of helpful medication. Therapy helped me a lot and I eventually grew the courage to make a series of major life changes to solve my situational depression. I am very happy but vulnerable to the fear of tumbling into the abyss. And no one knows that besides me and my doctor. No one else understands because depression is so taboo. The platitudes are hurtful and the repercussions of disclosure so damaging I choose never to talk about this chronic condition I have and successfully live with. Warm caring thoughts to all of you and wishing you strength to carry on and realize some of your dreams.
Kay 6 Aug 2008 @ 7:36 pm
There was a billboard I used to pass all the time….20% of Canadians suffer from depession…the other 80% suffer from ignorance…
Rebecca 7 Aug 2008 @ 10:51 pm
My favorite? “Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.”
Kala 8 Aug 2008 @ 3:01 pm
“Are you sure you don’t have a mental problem?”
Isn’t this the whole point that you’re trying to make? That it’s a psychological problem and not just the blues?
I do think Depression is used as an excuse by a lot of people.
Bleh 12 Aug 2008 @ 8:37 pm
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
Ugh, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard that one. Nice post!
And Kala, it’s very obvious that someone with depression is suffering from a mental problem. That’s the whole irony of the line, “Are you sure you don’t have a mental problem?” It’s like the person who doesn’t understand depression doesn’t realize that it’s a genuine problem that needs to be treated by a professional. It’s also sad to me that you seem to be one of “those people” who has no idea what depression is like, just based off the fact that you think people use it as an excuse. You obviously have no idea how crippling depression can be in some cases. I’m sure there are some people who don’t suffer from it who use it as an excuse to be lazy, but anyone who really does suffer from it has to cope with how emotionally and physically draining it can be.
Derlin 18 Aug 2008 @ 3:00 am
I get really tired of people treating sadness like it’s a disease caused by chemical imbalances, when it’s usually just an indication that your life isn’t going well.
patrick 19 Aug 2008 @ 7:42 am
You know what sucks about dealing with depression?
Dealing with friend/ co-worker/ family member who is depressed, because no matter what you say to them, you lose, even simple deconstructed advice like, “right now, it’s okay”. At that point all they are doing is robbing energy because your advice is either repeatedly micro-analyzed to the point of paranoia, or it is dismissed all together. After 5-6 scenarios and encounters of this nature they become destructively repetitive to this person and I feel like I am just an anchoring point for this to manifest itself.
I have been depressed, it’s a wild cycle that is unpredictable, and the cycle becomes Pavlovian, external stimulus will manifest this result.
Why?
Because you are essentially conditioning yourself to feel this way, that’s right, you’re hypnotizing yourself.
What is the source of this pain?
It doesn’t matter.
I agree with much of the research involving physical activity and most depression. The mind certainly fights the body, but people with depression rarely use the body aerobically to fight the mind, consider it your metabolic equivalent of fast forward.
At this point when I person tells me they are depressed I ask them to go for a long walk, it ALWAYS works.
YogaforCynics 23 Aug 2008 @ 4:34 pm
This list is beautiful- in a completely awful way–or maybe completely awful in a beautiful way….I’ve heard many of these from other people, but tend to say all of them to myself….
Liz 30 Aug 2008 @ 2:25 am
My former boss used to say “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.” I also had a nervous breakdown partly caused by a temporary campaign job he forced me to take. I’ve since wised up, but I’ve never gotten over his words.
Anonymous 5 Sep 2008 @ 5:41 pm
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it!”
How is this an insult? Someone wants you to get help. At the end of the day, no one can help your depression if you don’t take steps. That line there is simply asking you to take the first step because at the end of the day, no one can help you if you will not be helped. If you don’t like the way you feel, get some fucking help and work to change it.
I think this list was compiled by someone too wrapped up in his own universe to see what someone is saying. Sure, some of the above is insulting but a lot of it shouldn’t be and wouldn’t be if you weren’t so goddamned sensitive.
Carl-Eric Dupuis 22 Sep 2008 @ 5:53 pm
“Just think about something else, you’ll be better in no time.”
The only thing i want to answer cant be said in pretty much any forum.
phil 30 Oct 2008 @ 3:59 pm
These insults are saddening. My heart goes out to everyone who has suffered the ignorance of the people who said these things. They don’t mean to insult, they’re frustrated and don’t understand the illness. I was one of them once. I have major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder.
The family and friends, that I speak with, are very supportive. I exercise my choices wisely. How people behave, what they say, determines whether I think its healthy for me to be in their presence. So far I’ve only ever had naive, ignorant comments from doctors, who I had no choice but to speak with (not my GP, thankfully).
e.g. “You have to fight for your life”
(If I had stopped fighting for my life, I wouldn’t hear that now, would I?)
Obviously, it’s not just me who has bad days, doctors have them too!
What I would like to ask people who trivialise depression (I used to be one of them):
Can you “snap out of” insufficient oxygen? No.
So how can you “snap out of” depression = insufficient serotonin?
(serotonin is the mood altering chemical we have to make ourselves from protein)
When depression is viewed as a lack of a specific chemical in the brain, the insults/suggestions people give you, just demonstrate a lack of understanding.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, you’re feeling sorry for yourself.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, go for a long walk.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, just change the way you feel.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, what you need is a good kick up the backside.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, get a job.
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, are you sure there isn’t some unconfessed sin in your life that’s causing this separation from God’s love?
e.g. you have insufficient serotonin, lay off those selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.
Maybe we shouldn’t even say we have “depression”, maybe we have to make a distinction e.g. “I have Insufficient Serotonin”. People say very casually, “I’m depressed” when they really mean they feel disappointed/sad/bored/worried. They are not saying they have chronically low serotonin levels.
I might give some credit to the “insult” about “cooking me a good meal”, it wouldn’t make me necessarily feel better but I believe that good nutrition combined with changes in thinking are ways to better health. I also believe that it’s up to the individual whether they choose to use medication and/or holistic methods to treat their illness.
I thought the comments were great, here’s a few:
very interesting Paul @ 22 about depression being due to inconsistencies in our thinking. (if I have summarised that right) This rings true with me, loudly.
Bob @ 27 about depression being an opportunity are inspiring. I like his two profound ideas. 1) we’re in control, even at our lowest and 2) we get a new brain!
Amy @59 that’s so sad. I empathise with you. I’ve been like your husband and now I’m like you. I’ve been both sides of the coin.
John @ 63 very creative work, that took some effort and was beautiful in its “execution”, just like life in my opinion. But the catch 22 is we can’t create masterpieces like yours to share with others if we’re dead. I think I got your irony. Genius.
James, thanks for your post.
lucy moore 6 Nov 2008 @ 8:22 pm
One time a friend called me and said, “how’re ya doin’? and I said, “to be honest, not good…I feel like I want to kill myself ” (not in a joking way). He said, “oh, so other than that, how are ya?”
F 8 Nov 2008 @ 2:10 am
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder this September.
I agree with so many of the posts here.
My mother refused to believe that I have a problem,she said the reason I’m like this is because ” I’m not close to God.”
(On the other hand, my dad called me “broken trash” and didn’t want to be seen in the clinic,though he did go with me.Reason:Bad for his rep if someone saw such an accomplished surgeon in ‘such a place.’ I suppose I understand. *shrugs*)
I think God should be added to the list of well-intended insults.
Meg 8 Nov 2008 @ 5:59 am
“Just get over it” – this came from my boyfriend in response of one of my depressive episodes. Some boyfriend, huh? And worst of all, he should know better; he’s has been the sole confidant to his sister who has been dealing with severe bi-polar disorder for over 8 years now.
Erin 16 Nov 2008 @ 6:35 pm
My father passed away a few weeks ago and it’s been hard. My mother-in-law came to visit from out-of-town and in the midst of talking about a thousand other things, she interjected “Oh, by the way, I am sorry about your Dad, but it was God’s will.” It was so insensitive on so many levels. First, I wondered how she knows what God’s will is. Second, my father was not even a particularly religious man, so he would probably have scoffed at that. Last and most important, it was as though she had decided and it was a “closed case” so I felt like there was nothing I could even say. It would have been infinitely better if she had left it at “I’m sorry about your Dad” and not included the editorial remarks about God. People are amazingly thoughtless at times.
Julie 16 Nov 2008 @ 7:44 pm
I’ve had many of these said to me. People with often the best intentions can say things they think will make you feel better, but they just don’t understand.
My father has told me to go to the gym, not realizing that by saying that every time I see him, he’s only making my self-consciousness worse, lessening any likelihood of my going to the gym.
My other half has told me to “cheer up” and has tried “cheering me up” by trying to get me to laugh, which, I realize he has the best of intentions, but when you’re having an exceptionally bad day, the last thing you want is someone who doesn’t understand trying to get you to “cheer up.” All you want is someone to listen and just be there for you.
As soon as I hear one of those trivializing or misunderstanding statements I realize that they will never understand, and that I have one less person to talk to in the world about my problems.
the watcher 28 Nov 2008 @ 4:59 pm
y would u insult someone with depression? being depressed sucks donkey balls…
Wes 3 Dec 2008 @ 7:29 pm
This is a wonderful site, just what I need. I have had depression for over 20 years and it seems to get worse with time. I have heard all of this great ideas many times. All I can say is I have 2 real support friends, one is my wife and my best friend.
If it were not for their support and unfailing love I would be dead. The hardest time for me is when I am alone and there is no one to talk to. This blog is a great help. Keep up the good work.
A 10 Dec 2008 @ 7:31 pm
Let’s not forget: “It is all in your head” a personal favorite of mine. Or the most recent one “I cant do it anymore, you feel miserable and you are making me feel miserable as well” (needless to say it didnt really help. but i dont think it was meant to)
I have recurrent episodes of major depression. So I would have a couple of moths in hell and then some ok short periods. I think this is just confusing the people around me even more. I find medication trully helpful. Antidepressants helped me get out of bed and stop crying (not a very cool thing when u are in an important meeting or driving, or better yet on a date)
I also believe in therapy. It is important and REBT helped me a great deal. But, since depression is still lets be honest a mystery in terms of how it works and what are the causes (everything I read in here and in literature are just theories that are build today and destroyed tomorrow) I think its important to treat it in a personalized way. For some medication does wonders and Im happy to be in that group, for some CBT or any kind of therapy or support group is way better.
I personally like the “Let me cook you something and you will feel better” that sounds caring and healthy during major episodes:)
Daphne 12 Dec 2008 @ 3:28 am
@ Paul, Doris, Anonymous and others: Your statements are true for (I think) the majority of depression sufferers. CBT has a high success rate in treating depression, and conquering negative thinking is an important step. However, please understand that there are some of us who cannot be helped by trusting in God or our therapist. I have suffered from psychotic depression for nearly 10 years. It is an uncommon form of depression that couples severe depressive symptoms with periods of delusions and hallucinations. I was misdiagnosed with major depression for years and ran the gamut of treatments, from CBT to antidepressants to long hospitalizations. Nothing has helped, because my problems do not lie as much in thinking I’m worthless, etc. as they lie in being emotionally numb, unable to perform basic daily living functions (showering, cooking, etc), constant suicidal ideation, and more. Plus, when my television is reading my thoughts and sending me messages, it is difficult to convince myself to cheer up.
Thanks all for all of your comments, especially James for being a respectable human being for admitting and apologising for his unintentional insult. I hope and pray for all of you that you will make it through this.
As to the subject of the article, I am REGULARLY told by complete strangers (always men): “Smile! It can’t be that bad!” and the even more insulting “I bet you’re a lot prettier when you smile.” This happens a lot on buses and sidewalks. Why would anyone ever think this was an appropriate approach to a stranger??
Darrel 20 Dec 2008 @ 7:42 pm
I have lists of what to/not say to a depressed person but my list of DON”Ts is longer and DO’s is much shorter. Am I more depressed than you or just being negative?
Jake 25 Dec 2008 @ 7:10 pm
I’ve had pretty much all these comments said to me at one point or another.
I think the main problem is because psychologists defined depression as being “episodic” people think that there’s normal inbetween, and it’s impossible for someone to be depressed ALWAYS. I’m 18/m. I’ve been depressed since I was 12/13. I’ve been on a steadily downward going slope, eventually failing high school (though I passed my Advanced Calculas course), and proceeding to do nothing for a year and a half.
THE WORST THING I find is like a pattern of victimization. I was always blamed for everything, school, home, etc. Even still now, people try to walk me through basic skills like cooking pasta or something, like I’m mentally retarded, or blame me for all the things they do to me. Just today, my sister snaps at me when I try to help her scan a document, she apologizes but says she was justified in yelling. I mean wtf, what happened to something being your fault.
Another thing is people always assume their must’ve been a cause. Like a “troubled childhood” a “bad outlook” etc. Nothing pisses me off more than having someone say “well it must not be that bad”. It’s like “I can’t function. I fail at almost everything, and never get better at ANYTHING despite days/weeks/months of effort at something. I’ve even been getting worse at everything over the years. Why CAN’T you understand that?” The response is always just a shrug or something, they NEVER think they could be wrong.
Betty 27 Dec 2008 @ 2:29 pm
I’ve suffered from severe depression for most of my life. Mine is due to a hormone imbalance associated with PCOS/PMDD and diabetes and is worse at certain times of the month, but I always have it to some degree and it’s debilitating. I’ve coped by escaping into my artwork. My adult son, also an artist, suffers from it as well and he doesn’t cope as well as I do. And often, he’s downright rude to the rest of the family and uses his depression as an excuse. For instance, I bought him a sandwich the other day and he wouldn’t sit at the table with me to eat it–he will never sit at the table with any of us. He went upstairs to his room to eat alone as usual. He griped at Christmas because I didn’t have breakfast on the table fast enough for him, and after I’d spent two days in the kitchen cooking for the holidays and was exhausted. And he complained that he disliked the tie I got him, said the fabric looked cheap. He’s totally inconsiderate to others. He goes around slamming doors and breaking things. One morning, he was so angry that he couldn’t find a hairbrush that he brushed his hair with a fork and nearly hurt himself. It’s getting very hard to live with him. And though I understand that he suffers from depression, I do think he uses it as an excuse for his poor manners and behavior and takes it out on the rest of the family. When he does this, it’s very hard not to resort to the old cliches such as pull yourself together, even though I know that is ridiculous and the cause is physical. I think sometimes people just don’t know what else to say. I did tell him this morning that he needs to learn to cope with it better, and that made him mad–everything makes him mad. Sometimes I fear that he’s going to hurt one of us. AndI don’t really know what to do.
Jake 27 Dec 2008 @ 4:33 pm
Dear Betty
From what you said, it doesn’t sound like depression. I won’t say depressed people don’t get angry or irritable, but usually depressed people have very low ability to act on their anger. The second thing is depressed people usually don’t have a distorted sense of what’s good/bad (so they usually don’t complain irrationally), it’s just bad feelings last much longer than good ones, making life suck alot, even if they have good things happen. And if his cause was “physical,” most endogenous (inside caused) depression is dopamine based, resulting in lower creativity andin ability to care whether or not something happens (like eating in places with lots of people). I would assume either something happened/is happening to provoke depression, or he doesn’t have it, and just has some sort of “oppositional defiance disorder” or some anger/antisocial issues.
james 27 Dec 2008 @ 6:50 pm
I would argue the point on this one. Depression describes a variety of mood disorders that present themselves in different ways for different people. Many people with severe depression detach from reality. Anger and irritability are the primary symptom of depression for many people, with or without sadness.
David 27 Dec 2008 @ 11:41 pm
Those so called insults are not insults, they are true. Feeling sorry for yourself leads to depression when not nipped in the bud. When you dwell on problems you have no choice but to get depressed! Are Americans some sort of specially evolved homo sapien? Other humans living in ravaged countries like parts of Africa and the Middle East don’t sit around and stay in bed feeling sorry for themselves; they get up and do what they have to do in order to survive. Those people live in extreme poverty and chaos but yet they get on with their lives. People in America break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend or lose their job and they fall off the deep end. “I need drugs, I have a chemical imbalance!” Depression is a joke to most other parts of the world; they laugh at the things people in America get depressed about. We are a boo-hoo-poor-pitiful-me weak society.
David 27 Dec 2008 @ 11:51 pm
My mother passed away this year; I lost my job; my home is in foreclosure; I have credit card debt now when I’ve had perfect credit all my life; my son is confused about a career path; my father is 80 years old and partially disabled and I spend most of my time caring for him; all the women I date seem to have some sort of personality disorder; and on and on…. 99% of the people in this country would be suicidal. “Poor me, I need someone to talk to, someone to support me.” If I had that frame of mind I wouldn’t accomplish anything. What good would that do me? I’m strong and I have pride. I will work through these setbacks and restore my life. No drugs or sympathy needed.
anomia 4 Jan 2009 @ 10:05 am
Well, it is true that we all are ignorant in some way, and if saying the wrong thing sometimes is proof, then there’s a lot of it when it comes to mental health.
However there is a difference between malicious intent, no empathy and just not knowing, which is really where most people fall.
It may be hard to care about those differences when depression is happening, but, know that someone somewhere cares, and just ’cause someone says a dumb thing doesn’t mean they don’t care or can’t help OK?
BTW all you psuedo physicians with your idiotic advice, mind your own business, and let the caregivers and patients alone to heal.
You wouldn’t think Cancer is the persons own fault would you?
It is a broad variety of ILLNESS, some get it and some don’t, what happens in life is ancillary to the ILLNESS.
Jenn 5 Jan 2009 @ 12:57 pm
I completely agree with David, and I WAS depressed for several years. Then I realized I needed to pull myself together. These aren’t insults; those who are depressed only take them as insults because they get defensive and can’t see the truth behind them. When friends come to you complaining about how miserable their life is, what is there to say other than these aforementioned “insults”? They are just trying to help. Go get the help you need and stop complaining about it if you don’t want to hear what they have to say (and I know that not every depressed person complains, but many do). In that depressed state, it’s very hard to accept the help that you are given. You tend to distort others’ words and actions. I have been there and I now realize that I was incredibly selfish. I feel as if I have no right to be depressed. Life goes on. I know how to keep myself happy and pull myself up, and I wish I had been told me more of these “insults” when I was cutting myself and attempting suicide. Through sexual and physical abuse, poor living conditions, and my parents’ alcoholism, I’m happy. We all just need to learn how to accept help.
Robert Hollander 7 Feb 2009 @ 5:23 pm
Geez, quit whining! Can’t y’all snap to manic, already?
Eddie 9 Feb 2009 @ 6:24 pm
If I had a dime for…
bluegreen 23 Feb 2009 @ 9:05 am
Sorry guys, but a lot of those are spot on. I’ve had depression, had treatment, and been back into depression again. All of it has taught me one thing: No-one else can sort your head out for you. You absolutely HAVE TO look after yourself. You HAVE to think positive and get out and do the things you know will make you feel better – run around, eat well, sleep as much as you need. God knows, I know it’s tough, but some of that above is good advice. You have to get off your arse and get moving.
Play at being happy, even if you’re not. It works. And if someone wants to cook you a good meal – fantastic!
David Marcus 1 Mar 2009 @ 11:52 pm
I’d like to throw my hat into the ring, next to these marbles referred to as insults. The ones offering a temporary solution like “go buy some clothes” are indeed insulting and useless, so let’s kick those out as myopic “advice” from people who’ve never meditated or explored the inner depths of their minds.
But when people offer “just snap out of it” or “pull yourself together,” they’re usually shooting a marble with two layers. The first, on the outside, is the wish that you’d just overcome the depression and return to a happier life because they’re frustrated that they can’t (or don’t know how to) do anything else to help. So while it might sound blunt, there’s usually care behind it. The second hidden layer is the true meaning behind the statement. “Just pull yourself together” means: recognize your depression; recognize that it can be overcome; lock yourself in solitude; shut down with whatever technique works; dive down inside yourself, inside your mind; lose all fear, go back in time and dig through your dark forest of problems; find the roots and expose them to yourself; kill the roots with positive explanations if they didn’t already wither in the sunlight of exposure; then emerge from yourself victorious.
In other words, “snap out of it” means “I want you to find the cause of this problem and solve it because I care about you and think you can do it.”
Granted, it might not work when the problem is purely brain physiology, but if the chemical flows have been altered because the roots of the problems have twisted themselves around the controls, then you kill the roots.
Here’s one example — for quick, illustrative purposes only — as the roots can be much harder to rip out and I am not trying to trivialize anyone’s problems: if your journey inwards down the tree, through the branches, finally reveals that the root of depression is physical abuse suffered as a child, then expose the root as what it might really be: the abuse happened not because of who you were or what you did, but because the abuser felt a need to control or intimidate, and you happened to be there. An object to absorb the anger at their own problems. That it never really was personally against you, but a reaction by the abuser to his/her own insecurities. The root is exposed, and you emerge from yourself with this new truth. What to do with it is up to each person. Some might find it even more helpful to take that new truth and confront the abuser with it. For example, “What you did to me all those years ago, I now realize it wasn’t because of me personally. I was innocent, I didn’t deserve what you did, and what you did damaged me for a long time. I also realize that you did it because you’re so weak and afraid that you can’t even confront your own insecurities. You’re still an angry child, but I’ve grown up and I now stand taller than you ever will.”
While not depression-inducing, here’s another example: think about the emotions we feel when someone pulls out in front of us in traffic. We create an insidious root inside our minds that says, “That person did that to me,” emphasizing the “me”. We feel like it was personal. Then we add branches by getting into a road rage with them, yelling, gesturing, maybe even doing vengeful things to them with our own cars. Later, looking back, we see all these branches, the irrational behaviors, and feel guilty or ashamed that we let our anger get the best of us. But what that driver did still gives us stress. We don’t explore it further because we think it’s the branches that bother us. The branches cover our view of the root, which is, guess what, that the driver didn’t do it as a personal attack, but merely to be selfish and opportunistic. Once we realize that, we can admit our behavior was wrong, and the entire tree dies. The stress disappears. And the next time it happens, we can react differently. A shake of our head at their foolishness. A simple honk to let the driver know that his selfishness wasn’t appreciated. He may have “won” on the road that day, but we won’t make any unnecessary roots and trees.
Dive down into yourself until you hit the roots, cutting through the branches in the way.
Years ago, Dr. John Sarno in New York revealed that migraines, back pain, etc. are usually manifestations of one very simple thing: not allowing inner rage to reach your conscious mind. I suffered the auras and migraines for years until I followed the advice in his book. It took all of about four seconds. I dove into myself and allowed myself to feel any rage that my unconscious was hiding from my conscious mind. I said to myself, open the door and let me feel it, I’m not afraid of it. Four seconds to say that. I didn’t even feel the rage, just gave myself the permission to do so. The struggle between my unconscious and conscious minds immediately ended. I have been absolutely migraine-free since February 10, 2006.
We hide from the roots of our problems, just like we’re afraid to go see what made that noise in the night, and we suffer needlessly by doing so. Take up the flashlight, dive into your darkness, and “pull yourself together” by tearing out the roots.
Lisi 20 Mar 2009 @ 12:54 pm
I had a psychiatrist tell me — “Maybe you should accept that this is the best you can do. You can get up, you can go to work. I have patients who can’t get out of bed.” Needless to say, I’ve given him more time to work with those patients, as I’m no longer one.
So, even doctors don’t know the right things to say.
james 20 Mar 2009 @ 1:03 pm
That’s bound to destroy someone’s hope. My psychiatrist once said that there is no reason why someone with a mental illness shouldn’t enjoy a normal life and do anything that they put their mind to. The starting point is marrying the right diagnosis with the right treatment.
Scratch 22 Mar 2009 @ 10:55 pm
I don’t mind the dumb-ass ignorance. It’s not a crime not to know something. What I really hate is being told I am BAD and LAZY and HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE DEPRESSED. Oh my God!
Scratch 22 Mar 2009 @ 11:05 pm
Betty, he’s a spoilt little brat. He doesn’t have a life, so he gets all his jollies throwing his weight around and being horrible to you. We all need a sense of power in our lives, and that’s how he gets his. Every time you back down, you reinforce this. Just quietly stand up to him once and it will tip him off his throne. Life’s tough and he needs to face that. I recommend a therapist to sort him out
Tajha 23 Mar 2009 @ 12:19 pm
Depression sucks… It sucks to feel like your body and mind are betraying you because consciously and logically you know that you’ve really got no reason to be sad, but you just can’t make it stop.
Anyway, the worst line I’ve gotten was, “You shouldn’t use medication to control your mood.” I don’t remember what I said to him, or if I just walked away.
Tajha 23 Mar 2009 @ 12:28 pm
(Sorry for posting twice, but I thought about this after I’d hit the submit button, well and after reading the “best things to say”)
One of the biggest problems I have in wanting to talk about my depression is that people are going to think I’m just trying to get attention. Hell, when I went to my primary care doctor to get a rewrite for my prescription he said, “You don’t look depressed to me.” Can you believe that? A doctor… Then again, he was a military doctor…
Annie 20 Apr 2009 @ 2:30 am
No one ever suggested acupuncture to me, but I tried it anyway. The results for refractory depression have been no worse than meds were….so far.
Conclusion: It ain’t THAT much of an insult (if you’ve got an awesome acupuncturist).
DJ 1 May 2009 @ 7:59 am
Hey,
Imagine having Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Obssisive Compulsive Disorder, Temporal Lobe Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder all in one go. IMAGINE all the comments I get! I hardly ever leave my house…
Tommy 4 Jun 2009 @ 5:16 am
The best thing that really helped me was
Let Go…Let Go. Let your troubled mind become peaceful. You dont have to try just let Go…
And it became my single prayer every morning Today i will Let Go of worries or antything that displeases me……
Things happen and finally with time you have a new life
al 28 Jun 2009 @ 10:44 pm
brother told me “just suck it up”
Ellen de Jonge 8 Jul 2009 @ 2:15 pm
If you are having a depression it is hard, anxiety attacks so big that you think you are getting grazy, not able to breath, no peace and stillness in the mind……..you don’t wish this to your worst enemy.
I have been there, I have struggled and I am happy that somebody came in my life who introduced me to Yoga. And YES, already after the first class I felt a difference, a possibility of breathing better and having some release in my ever ongoing madness.
Now I am 6 years further and I am a yoga teacher, I chose to teach this to help people who are dealing depression and anxiety because I know how raw this can be.
So maybe something to try or think about. Body and mind go together, to open your body will give your stuff the change to leave your system. With stimulating the fire inside of us we can burn rubbish, I could………..you can!!!!!!!!!
Take care, Namaste
ellen
Anonymous 14 Jul 2009 @ 5:27 am
I am currently off work sick with horrible depression (the second job this has happened to me in), have permanent black cloud, suicidal thoughts the lot – I just fell out (permanently) with two friends who I’ve had a 20 year friendship with and during a row, one of them told me ‘when I get like that, I pull myself out of it’… great, I never knew it was that simple, and there was me getting signed off sick!?? People really don’t understand, there’s feeling a bit low and problems getting you down, and there’s not being able to get out of bed and feeling like you want to end it all even if you do!! Slightly different I’d say…
Anonymous 14 Jul 2009 @ 5:31 am
P.S. In response to some of the comments about these ignorant remarks making sense; I do have stuff to be depressed about that try as I might do not change in my life and it’s hard to keep positive about, and I don’t literally just sit and feel sorry for myself, I do try really hard to concentrate on other things, go out, carry on with life (even though work became too much) but it’s always THERE – it’s not a conscious thing, so I can’t tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself or that my life is great so snap out of it… it’s just not as simple as that for me or people in similar situations.
keith nightingale 16 Jul 2009 @ 8:29 pm
Hey Anonymous
sorry to hear of your situation.
i have had 13 years of repreive after my suicide attempt .
Would be happy to chat with you through this awful time.
keithnightingale@hotmail.com
53 yo man western australia
on face book if you want to check me out.
California 1 Sep 2009 @ 3:34 pm
I have had what I would consider severe depression since I was 16, and that was many years ago. A lot of it stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family. For most of my life I have not talked about my depression with anyone because I don’t want to hear a lot of bad advice or judgments. Lately I have been trying to talk about it to some people I know, but no one really understands. I know they think if I was really so unhappy with my life for all these years I would have made changes. Every day I regret I have not, but it is hard when you were raised and conditioned by your family to have low self esteem and be taught to be afraid of the world. It is hard to just up and leave that all behind the day you turn 18. You hear these stories about a kidnap victim who is held for years and never escapes, even when there is an opportunity? It’s kind of like that IMO. Anyway I would like to get back on topic with what to say/not to say. I hate it when someone tries to trivialize my feelings by implying that it is easy to change my life or that all the years I have wasted not doing anything to change my circumstances, which is the cause of my depression, suddenly won’t matter if/when I start to make changes. Or when someone tries to give me a list of things I should do that will magically make everything better. What I would most like to hear sometimes is “I’m sorry you feel bad.” That sounds so simple, but it seems hard for most people for some reason. Sometimes that’s all I want, is for someone to show a little empathy. I have to partially disagree with those that say it is bad when someone starts telling you how bad they felt at one time or of something bad that happened to them. To me it is worse to talk to “happy” people that cannot relate to your pain. It is not necessarily one-upping someone to tell them about your own hurt and problems. For once I would like to talk with people (and yes I know about “support groups”, but I mean people who claim to be my friend and care about me) who can tell me they know how it feels. Certainly I don’t want anyone telling me that I should kill myself, but my fantasy conversation would be for someone to say yeah, if they were in my situation, they would probably hate their life too, they would probably want to kill themselves too. It would be nice to have my feelings justified. That would not help or hinder me getting out of my situation, it would just show me someone out there knows how it feels and that it is okay for me to feel that way sometimes myself. If any of you reading this find my attitude to be self-centered or self-pitying, I really don’t care. You don’t know my life or what I would have liked it to have been.
Freeborn 20 Oct 2009 @ 2:04 am
California, what you say is so true, too many people try to “fix” the problem instead of just listening and comiserating. Unfortunately, I have been the person trying to “fix” a friends problem when all they want to hear is “I’m sorry you feel bad”. At this point, undergoing my own little depression bout, I am learning how important that is. Reading what you wrote is a reminder to me of how important it is to just relate to someone else once in a while. And I really am sorry that anyone ever feels this bad. It makes it so hard to clean, work, cook, go out, or do anything. It seems so simple, like it can be fixed with the snap of some fingers, or like you can just say to yourself (which does not work by the way), tommorrow I can handle it and begin again. Sadly when tommorrow arrives it just becomes today again. Its so hard to get out of the redundant cycle.
Chris 2 Nov 2009 @ 11:43 am
I dont have depression but I have been married to my beautiful wife for 27years and she has suffered from depression on and off for twenty years and I can tell you that it has taken a toll on our marrage yes I know people change over the years but when she gets down as I call it it is so hard,I have learned alot about depression and I am still learning about it and I can say that I have said 90 percent of the list of how to insult someone with depression and for that as I have learned more about this horrible desease I am truely sorry ,I can tell you that it comes not from not respecting or loving the person affected but comes from pure ignorance of the illness and of how it affects others and I can honestly say that living with someone who has depression is and can be extremely difficult,but I can safely say that as I learn more I will never say things like that again good luck on your journey to control this hiddeous problem kind regards Chris
Ben 7 Dec 2009 @ 1:12 am
While I agree that you have touched on an important issue (even 2 years later!) about the power of language and its impact on emotion.
However, as someone who has had several people in his life suffering with depression, there are times when I have desperately wanted to help and gotten frustrated at my powerlessness to help.
I haven’t actually said these things (or I hope not!) but I know the source of the words.
But heck, that’s just my $.02.
Ben
abraham lincoln 7 Dec 2009 @ 2:01 pm
you cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. you cannot strenghten the weak by weaking the strong. you cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. you cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the the wage payer down, you cannot futher the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. you cannot build characte and courage by taking away people’s initiative an independence. you cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
james 7 Dec 2009 @ 2:10 pm
I’m confused by the last sentence. Did Abraham Lincoln have the mentally ill in mind, or is that your subjective interpretation and he was actually speaking in general terms?
Roy 21 Dec 2009 @ 12:35 pm
“Have you tried acupuncture?”
You know I get this one often, and they mean well. But it makes me feel like I’m not “working on” my problems and that I just need a little “magic” to cure me.
Su 4 Jan 2010 @ 1:34 am
Hi everyone – I’ve been down for three years with a breakdown and I think I might be recovering. You know what the sad thing is? I’ve heard most of the things “I think you’re making it up” “You just don’t want to get well/ get a job”. The one that has hurt me the most – moreso because for two solid months after I was in such a fragile state of mind I believed it utterly was “Maybe something really bad has to happen before you can finally get up and take control of yourself” – from someone who has suffered from clinical depression her entire life as well.
And the faces people make when I say I can’t work or even think about applying.
But the past couple of days I’ve been above water and I see it from their point of view and I know that it seems logical to them.
Honestly, they will NEVER be able to tell what it’s like, even if they’ve had it when they are now recovered and it was always different from what you are experiencing. They always think they pulled themselves out of it… could be, but as we know each case is so radically different and something that works for one just DOESN’T for another….for example, 18 months of medication haven’t worked, made it worse. CBT didn’t work, 26 sessions of it. I didn’t know what it was like until, and as such I still don’t know how you are feeling about it.
I never want to be like that; at the same time I want to be healed. Is it possible to be empathic without suffering? I have no idea.
Th worst thing is that you think they are right. I’ve always thought they were right: you just need to be positive….but it can’t work for clinical depression, not really. I don’t know. I’m really hoping we all get well – seriously I do……..
Su 4 Jan 2010 @ 3:59 pm
I wanted to add that I’ve tried yoga, it’s helped minimally then not at all. Tried Reiki, helped in the beginning, but then life situation and coping skills are bad. Am currently on homeopathy – the suggestion for acupressure isn’t really bad,but unfortunately we might be in such a low place that we feel well that’s just another waste of money on something someone says may work, but it won’t work for me if the pills and the CBT and the yoga and the vitamins and the diet and the positive thinking haven’t….and there are some people who say change the way you think – it’s difficult. It is. Especially when you and everyone else thinks in pretty much the same patterns…or you are completely lost- it is different for everyone, everyone is in a different stage, everyone can only see from their own point of view… you yourself don’t understand whether it’s you or the depression – really…. and you try and some days it works and most days it doesn’t. and people in other countries do get depressed, the stigma is so strong that it’s not announced. The depressed people in Africa and Asia are hidden. It’s as simple as that. Hidden. Invisible. That’s the curse. I was ok in June, then went down in July – and only resurfaced again now.
I’ve felt ok for a week now and showering – but I honestly I’ve had really bad nutrition and haven’t been able to walk unless absolutely necessary for two months. We don’t know what will work or how things just “stop”. And now I see I don’t have any friends, and family relations are severed – all be cause I couldn’t keep up and they weren’t bothered either – all because it seems so easy for an outsider for you NOT to be like that….oh and rage and anger can definitely be part of depression. You can get highly sensitive to things, people not putting things back in the right place every single day, just being unable to take other people and wanting to eat alone because they talk so loudly and put the television on so loudly…. I wish they weren’t but they are, it’s the anger inwards gone outwards. And it can also be side effects of the SSRIs. It was for me. I just didn’t realise it.
ribbit 13 Jan 2010 @ 4:34 am
I have heard these all. A good friend of mine went to a psychiatrist who yelled at her for crying, pointed out how her life wasn’t bad and told her to pull yourself together. Um, yup. Nothing like a supposed mental health professional telling you you feel the wrong way and it’s all your fault to cheer you up!
Maxy 21 Feb 2010 @ 6:43 pm
I’ve heard all these above statements. I’m not lazy, i never was. But, due to all these symptoms, it’s hard to pick myself up and just snap out of it! My family knows it all that i take anti-depressants and why i quit my job. But, still they choose to insult me every day. God, if i was stronger like before i would never let anyone hurt me like this.
Teresa 24 Feb 2010 @ 4:29 am
Thanks for all your comments. I have suffered from depression on and off for many years and am having trouble now for a few weeks again. I am actively trying to get through it but my husband doesn’t understand I just can’t snap out of it. He tries but….I know it isn’t pleasant for him to live with but then again it isn’t pleasant for me either and I am trying to change it. I find that exercize works for me better than any antidepressants. I don’t like medication and find that exercize is a much better antidepressant than any pharma. I wish you all well with your recoveries.
Frances 25 Mar 2010 @ 9:15 am
My recent most personal favorite comment is “All you need to do is get some more fresh air”. Really? Hallelujah, you’ve found the cure! Going through some difficulties the past few weeks, feeling down, but not as down as I have in the past, and just had some very close friends, who had sworn over and over that they’d “never leave” and were “in it (the friendship) for the long haul”, end the friendship. All because I was honest with them about how I felt, and they couldn’t handle the honesty. This, after we had always said we’d be honest with each other….. I just don’t understand people. AT ALL.
Dark One 17 Jun 2010 @ 12:17 pm
I have been suffering from depression for over 20 years. I suffered in silence for most of it. Looking back, I realize that depression and anxiety have warped my entire life. I have tried books, 2 different kinds of talk therapy, exercise, medication and lots of other things. Nothing so far has really worked, but I hate to go on stronger drugs. I have been in this pit for so long without saying anything… I thought things would get better when I brought it out into the open. They haven’t. I don’t talk about my condition any more. People don’t want to hear it and I don’t blame them, so I have tried just listening to my friends (who are “normal”) while THEY talk. After all, that’s how I wish they’d treat me! So now they tell me that I don’t “share” enough and my best friend of 30 years just dumped me. She tells me that she loves how I make her laugh, though. Great. Doesn’t she realize that my humor is from my pain?
Mel 12 Jul 2010 @ 2:22 am
I feel for you guys but don’t forget, its a real cache 22 for people who don’t have depression to learn how to deal with someone who does.
I’m sorry to say it but from my experience (I’ve been friends with a couple of people with clinical depression), the normal rules of human engagement don’t seem to apply (but I’m sure there are always exceptions)….
If we (non-depressed people) say what we’d normally say to cheer people up, we get accused of being insensitive.
It’s natural to offer friendly guidance when presented with a problem, but then we get accused of being condescending
If we try really hard not to get angry with a depressed friend’s actions (or inaction) because we know it’s just a symptom of their disease BUT should we dare say we know it’s not them but it’s just a symptom of the depression THEN we get accused of using their disease against them. So we aren’t allowed to show our frustration at being wronged like a normal friend would.
If we decide its all too hard and leave the friendship, we are a terrible person.
You guys do realise that it can be an impossible situation for non-sufferers don’t you?
P.S. Just so you know, a few years ago I was diagnosed with mild situational depression which lasted for about a year. I know my experience is so small compared to some of you and I know I don’t have the right to talk about it from a sufferers perspective. I just thought I’d let you know Im not completely talking out my behind!
Bill 24 Jul 2010 @ 8:24 am
A girl that I thought I knew for 7 months who I became intimate with said my depression turned her off. She didn’t care anymore.
I felt manipulated and used. I only cried once in front of her when she made it tough on me. Then the seperation anxiety kicked in. I was in pain for a while yet she still called me. Then she saw some comments I had written about not feeling too great on line about my drowning feelings. Her response was too Negative. Negative. What a cold person she was. I told her off when I got my self esteem back and she thinks I’m the nut? Glad she’s gone now, don’t need a mean and negative person like that in my life. The funny thing is that she wants to be a school teacher. She has a lot to learn.
Carl 28 Jul 2010 @ 2:11 am
When it comes to depression there are two types of people. Those who understand it and those who have never experienced it. If you have never experienced depression your opinions are irrelevant and worthless, so pleae keep them to yourselves.
nicole 12 Sep 2010 @ 7:54 am
And the all time best:
“Why don’t you try not being depressed.”
i literally want to drive my nails through someones head when i hear that.
Andy Zhang 5 Oct 2010 @ 10:35 pm
But sometimes, when we say, I know what you’re going through, we’re right. I find this story of my life always helps: When I was 12, i had sex with my own father because he sold me cheap MDMA, it traumatized me for my whole life. So I know what all these “depressed” people are going through
Kristin 23 Oct 2010 @ 4:18 am
Hi All.
I’ve experienced a few bouts of depression since the age of 19, (I just turned 40).
I am currently in the worst depression/anxiety spell I’ve ever been in.
I’ve worked since college. I just got a new job, a great one, but I cannot find the nerve, pep, gumption, to dig in and get myself organized. It’s a tele-commute position, which I’ve done for 10 years. This position gives you much freedom and requires massive self-discipline. I don’t have that discipline right now. Right now I feel like hiding from everyone.
Tried again today and ended up pulling off into a parking lot to google, “depression and working”. I found this site. I’ve been reading here for an hour now & can relate to SO much said here.
Paul. Yours most of all.
Kristin 23 Oct 2010 @ 4:37 am
Oh, and to those experiencing true depression for the first time? You matter and what you say matters. It’s the scariest damn place to be in.
I remember when I was first hit with it, out of what seemed, nowhere, at age 19. I thought I was losing my mind. I’d always been happy-go-lucky, outgoing…and suddenly I was scared, withdrawn and didn’t know where to turn.
I got through it.
But I had to get up the nerve to voice it first. You may not say everything right, but who the hell does?
Sara 25 Oct 2010 @ 2:37 pm
To those who are currently depressed:
Remember that all of the people who are posting NEGATIVE comments here have absolutely NO REASON to be on this site. Maybe it’s boredom, maybe they just like to be mean to other people, maybe they sincerely want to understand, but they just don’t get it.
Try not to let those negative comments get in your head — clearly, they need to learn EMPATHY.
Depression is not be an easy illness for people to understand…..I get that. What I don’t understand is why anyone would make a comment about an illness they’ve never experienced or TRULY read/learned about. I wouldn’t presume to know how it feels to have Multiple Sclerosis. So why are people assuming they know what clinical depression feels like and how to cure/alleviate it?
Ridiculous.
Everyone who is in the midst of depression — I wish you nothing but the best — and I hope you find the treatment(s) that will work for you.
james 25 Oct 2010 @ 2:41 pm
Thank you Sara, for your excellent, thoughtful comment.
Cuckholster 20 Nov 2010 @ 4:30 am
@ David, 27 Dec 2008
It looks to me like a clear case of someone trying to mask depression.
The anger is showing through; it is projected at everyone else, but it really comes from a sense of self-loathing and pity. If you are not depressed, then why visit this blog and contribute to the forum? Why also describe all of your problems?
Are you really as ‘strong’ and ‘proud’ as you would have us believe?
rxfae 24 Dec 2010 @ 7:12 am
How about this one:
” You just need to start exercising. Start walking or running! ”
” You just need to get outta the house.”
Heard them only last night! Thanks, honey.
People with depression, such as myself, do find hostility towards “the others” (those without depression) as a coping mechanism.
I’d rather get angry than more depressed. I’d rather feel something than more nothing.
But I also understand others’ need to help and be there for us. They unknowingly make suggestions that might help.
But, how would you help save someone who’s drowning, if you yourself cannot swim? All you can do if scramble around looking for something or someone to help them, find a solution. Meanwhile, to the drowning person you look like some flailing moron on land doing nothing useful to help the situation.
The people in our lives do care, alot. But understand, that they haven’t the faintest idea what they can do about it, so they just try.
I keep this in mind alot, yet I still get upset at my husband’s “helpful” words. It’s a catch-22!
linda 1 Jan 2011 @ 2:53 am
Actually, there is nothing a regular person can say that would not sound trivial. Listening is probably the best way to go.
Michael 18 Jan 2011 @ 12:01 pm
I had a rehabilitation counselor from my last job tell me I needed to be more ‘resilient’. She explained how in life we can be either like an egg or a tennis ball – tennis balls are resilient and bounce back, eggs crack when they’re thrown against a wall.
“Take long walks and feel like a tennis ball” was her well considered advice. I guess she meant well, even if she only made me feel guilty for not being able to survive being metaphorically thrown against a wall all the time.
John 28 Jan 2011 @ 11:40 am
It`s easy for people who`ve never had depression for them to say stop feeling sorry for yourself. I don`t think people understand depression until they`ve had it. I can`t tell you how soul destroying it is.
Gaz 31 Jan 2011 @ 3:29 am
”Be glad you don’t have cancer!”
”Snap out of it!”
”You are selfish!” (by being depressed!?)
”Just go out with your friends!” (Ummm what friends?”)
”God! It’s like being in a funeral with you!”
The list goes on. I know that i am lucky i don’t have cancer o’r a disability but depression makes one feel the unluckiest person in the world.
robert 31 Jan 2011 @ 10:03 am
If i get those word said to me, my reaction would be get a gun and start going MAD with it
JuliaR 9 Feb 2011 @ 1:23 am
Felt compelled to respond to this shining example of ignorance by someone too cowardly to even make up an alias so others wouldn’t be able to easily respond to him/her.
“Anonymous 5 Sep 2008 @ 5:41 pm
I think this list was compiled by someone too wrapped up in his own universe to see what someone is saying. Sure, some of the above is insulting but a lot of it shouldn’t be and wouldn’t be if you weren’t so goddamned sensitive.”
Ironically, I think this comment was left by someone so narcissistic they felt the need to come to this forum (where those in need are seeking support) to insult those who are so obviously suffering with ridiculous remarks.
I know narcissistic people have huge difficulties with this thing called “empathy”.
If you wish to behave in such a fashion, please do it elsewhere. Contrary to your own self-elevated and narcissist attitude, please remember that like an ahole, everyone has an opinion and yours is not only irrelevant, cruel, and self-righteous, it’s so dismally ignorant, I sincerely hope you have a dictionary at home to look up some of the “big words” I and others here are using.
Start with “Empathy”.
If you still have a problem with “comprehension”, why don’t you take that attitude somewhere else?
Maybe a hate-site might be more appropriate for you and those as ignorant as you. You would be quite welcome there, I’m sure. Please take your fellow ignorants with you. Many of us here would appreciate that.
Next time you want to say something, have the f-ing courage to at least post a name or alias.
Notice how brave these people here you denigrate are? How courageous they are? How honest they are?
Did you need a pair? All these people who are battling severe depression have way more balls than you ever will.
Thank you anonymous for your ignorant post. It will serve us well in the future as the perfect example of what an ignorant, self-righteous coward would say. And anonymously to try to avoid any possible criticism!
Nicely done.
Many thanks to those who have shared their experiences here. Am very grateful that you posted comments that have not only been helpful and informative, but also compassionate. Thank you.
Annie 20 Mar 2011 @ 9:42 pm
You obviously have nothing better to do, when there is overwhelming scientific evidence supporting claims that you so blatantly ignore if your world of ignorance and intolerance. Pat yourself on the back for being so closed-minded.
My greatest sympathies to you, but please you obviously have the internet use it to educate yourself and to devote your services elsewhere.
lily drey 29 Mar 2011 @ 2:48 pm
Im sad iv lost my mom n i never see my dad and my grama hates me and in addition i get bullyed so much it makes me want to……you know so i guess im here to say if i can still be here today then so can you dont lose stay strong and fight its hard but you can do it i believe in you!
Nadia 3 Apr 2011 @ 11:35 pm
I hate my family, they do not understand why i am depressed and my dad acts like his the victim even though he has subjected me and mum to domestic violence and blackmailed us for all his life for the sake of others now his realised his wrong and feels like no one should question him. I have been suffering from depression for 2 years and has affected my studies twice. Have just gone into a cycle of being a victim?
Fairy 7 Apr 2011 @ 3:30 am
@David and your comments about people in the 3rd world not being depressed and just getting on with it.
1) how do you know no one there is depressed? Yeah im sure charities are going to show us clips of the depressed 3rd world citizens in their clips asking for aid. I’m sure that’d get us wanting to give money! Don’t be stupid. Fact is I’m willing to bet LOTS of 3rd world citizens suffer depression, in fact one could almost gaurantee it given their situation and the fact depression is a phsyical illness and thus can affect absolutely ANYONE.
2) comments saying “why don’t we think about those poor people in the 3rd world pis me off. Don’t you think I beat the crap out o myself metallu nearly everyday think that? Cos I do. I do think i am a pathetic whiny bitch for being depressed when kids out there are starving and in reaching for another cookie in a vain attempt to feel better. So that’s for the reaffirmation that that is indeed exactly what I am. Congrats that’s made me feel so much better – NOT!
3) what are YOU doing for these people? You who throw these 3rd world citizens In the faces of us mentally ill people as if WE should be the only ones doing something for them. If you care so much why aren’t YOU out there helping them instead of writing conceited replies on a topic you blatanly have zero knowledge on?
4) don’t get me wrong I’m sorry for the bad things that have happened to you, but why do you use them as some kind if competition against others to see who has had the worst life?
Pain is pain, it’s different for different people and manifests itself differently depending on who you are. What makes me upset may not make you upset but that doesn’t negate the fact I am upset. You have no right to say “well I’m not upset by X so neither should you be”. I bet you get sad about things that I could easily shrug off, but the fact I can shrug them off does nothing to help you.
Lastly to comments about god. I was taken to church from a very young age and grew up as a Christian. Tbh I think that has a lot to answer for regarding my low self esteem.
Constantly singing about how I am nothing but a spec of dirt on the ground and pityfull weak useless person for like 18 years is going to have an affect. I believe all those things about myself.
Always being judged and told I’m a sinful horrible person. “you cut yourself sinner” “you are sad when god made this lovely world for you to enjoy? – sinner” “god is disappointed in you” ect ect. I had no dad, growing up I desperately wanted a father figure- and god is a father right? Well according to my church god hates me cos I am such a sinner.
Lastly just as I was getting help via a councelling service someone in the church was involved with the pastor(vicar) told me not to come back into his church as I was just a problem. All I did at church was look after the kids in Sunday school.
I thought church was somewhere people could go to in times of need for comfort and help. HAH how wrong I was.
Religeon did nothing but repeatedly kick me while I was down and shit all over me. So much for loving god and his caring family.
Liz 11 Apr 2011 @ 7:31 am
My husband recently told me, that my depression “couldn’t come at a worse time.”
Andrew Watkins 16 Apr 2011 @ 8:08 am
I was recently asked by a friend to describe depression to his 30 year old son. I was drunk at the time and immediatley went into how it can trun your ordinary perceptions of the world on its head- turn friend into foe, impair your judgement and so on. I don’t know if what i said was of any use to man or beast. The guy in question to whom i was trying to explain to doesnt read or use the internet more is the pity because i could have pointed him here.
Mike 8 May 2011 @ 6:08 am
That was a good list, A few years ago I was off work for 6 months with depression and on return I had to attend an appraisal/goal setting meeting with my manager and HR. The main goal for the coming 6 months which I was given was to try and look happy at work!!
As im off again now I dread what they will come up with this time, but part of me cant wait to see.
Abbie 10 May 2011 @ 1:41 pm
I have been having insomnia on and off for a period of more than a month since I was 14. I had it really bad just recently. I thought I was just stressed and overworked, and worried about finances. My doctor gave me an info sheet about insomnia and what can trigger it. Depression was one of them.
I looked at the Beyond Blue website which is a website for depression and other mental health disorders. I looked at the symptoms, and I took their various surveys, both for depression and anxiety. I scored very high on all the surveys. I will now go to my doctor and see what can be done from here. Step one for me.
I have felt this same way since I was 14. But I had always thought that it was puberty doing weird things to me. But I kept feeling that way on and off, even after puberty, and now in adulthood. Now that I am planning on starting a family, I need to get help and not let it go unchecked any longer.
I have a sister who is a trained psychologist (God help us all!). I posted a status on my Facebook the other day. Facebook asked “What’s on you mind?” So I posted honestly what was on my mind. I wrote “I am sick of feeling like a loser.” My sister wrote on my wall (which everyone can see) “You have a house, you have a car, you have a job, you have a family that loves you, you have a husband who is there for you. Look at your life. Other people don’t have it as good as you, you will see that you are not a loser.”
I said to her the “BEING a loser and FEELING like one are two different things.”
She said “Then make the decision and change it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself because you have nothing to feel sorry for yourself for.” And this is a trained psychologist!!!
Just after Christmas, my husband lost his job. I was depressed for weeks. She said “Well, there are other people out there who have it worse than you.”
My “loser” post was a cry for help. One person saw it as just that. She wasn’t a trained psychologist, but her daughter is also suffering from depression so she recognised my cry for help. She had the decency to private inbox me, not post it on my wall for everyone to see.
I could not believe that the Pshycology board or registration allowed someone of very little sympathy or empathy to be a registered psychologist. I hope to God that she doesn’t give her clients that kind of treatment, in a public forum no less.
Amy 16 May 2011 @ 5:12 am
Well as most ppl here know, depression really sux & believe me, I wish ther was an easy fix. My own mother who had severe depression herself & made really bad decisions & acted on them has talked behind my back 2 other family members & put me down cuz its”been years”and I’m not better. Ironically, I was the one who was ther 4 her & my 3 half siblings when she royally screwed up, which I reminded her of and her response was”that’s different, I had different circumstances”. So my father & brother stand by me, which I know is very difficult. I am ashamed this is my life & have disappointed ppl. I have started going 2a psychiatrist & am on zoloft, but no relief yet, it’s a chore 2 do the most simple of things, most recent I’ve layed on the couch 4a week & not do ANYTHING, this embarrasses me & makes me feel worse about myself. Not 2 mention the getting very angry & saying & doing stupid things which cannot easily b fixed, I thought I needed anger management til I read from other ppl w depression that anger goes along w/it….awesome!! Makes this debilitating illness even harder 2 deal with. I dnt want 2 sound like I’m whining or complaining, it wld just b nice 2 talk 2ppl who understand.
Jay 19 May 2011 @ 6:11 pm
My wife said to me,
“you have no idea what a burden this is and how much this is affecting me to have to worry about you and feel that I am losing my husband.”
Jay 19 May 2011 @ 6:13 pm
my question is, would she say that if I had cancer ?
Julie 21 May 2011 @ 6:07 pm
Sometimes it helps to have a witty comeback. Like one of my favorite lines from M*A*S*H:
Frank: “I say if you want to keep your feet on the ground you got to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.”
Hawkeye: “Frank, why don’t you pull yourself up by your own jockstrap?”
Thank you everyone for your comments, it was nice to be reminded tonight that I’m not facing this alone.
robyn86 8 Jun 2011 @ 6:51 am
I have been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember. I happen to stumble on this site by chance; I googled, ways to “Pull yourself together”….How funny to look up ways to “Pull your self together” when you flat out can not just “pull” it together.
Not to mention I have been in the house for days. I have sent my daughter off with family so she did not have to be subjected to my mental state which might I add only makes me feel worse because now I have allowed my state to effect/affect her mental state i.e “Mommy, why don’t you want to hang out with me”..So this site was a burst of fresh air. Thank you, all of you that have posted and openly given your stories. I knew I was not alone but I have finally smiled for the first time in days….Unless it is the mania side of the Bipolar kicking in..lol. Truly, I feel inspired to accept my deficiencies and attack them with a vengeance. Victory is mine over this depression, and after reading your post I feel like kicking some depression ass. Peace and blessings to you all…
Ps. Nina Simone’s song, here comes the sun helps me along with dancing like a fairy. :-)
anonymous poster 12 Jun 2011 @ 7:15 am
My favorite put down is trying to express yourself, but then being interrupted.
“Well, that’s your own low self esteem problem.”
And, I pretty much stopped talking after that.
Then came the torrent of platitudes, suggestions and advice, to which all I can say is “yes” or “yeah” or some other affirmative reply.
The conversation became one way, and I, who was supposed to talk, was the one doing the listening. And I had heard it all before, which meant that, to keep it from making the pain worse in how the well-meaning “answers” make you feel more of a failure as a human being, I had to become numb to it.
I’m pretty sure the person whom I was trying to share my thoughts with (my sister) thinks she’s made good points with me and certainly meant well, but what I felt was put down and shut down and thought that she really didn’t want to listen to me; she wanted to try and solve my problem without really knowing and understanding what that problem was. The really bad part is that you can clearly say that, but they still won’t understand and proceed with more of the same “good advice.”
So, that “conversation,” like any others similar to it, proved pretty much that nobody wants to listen to my thoughts and feelings. Nobody wants to know what’s keeping me down.
So I keep to myself.
I’ve kept it to myself for years.
The constant loneliness and heartache hurts a lot, but it hurts just as bad, if not worse because this is a kind of rejection, to try to connect with someone and to express yourself because all you will find are people who will give you the cold shoulder and not give a damn about the very things that are keeping you from being able to live.
You can even express suicidal thoughts, which are VERY serious, but these same people simply can’t comprehend what it’s really like to want to die because they may never have had to experience pain that is such that death becomes a kind of relief to that suffering …. that is unless you’re just as fearful of dying as you are of living.
A take on that “uncaring” person is actually one who may have experienced what it’s like and had overcome it but, instead of sympathizing, they try to use their experience to offer platitudes and “solutions” that are just as insensitive and hurtful as those who have never known what it’s like.
Essentially, you become trapped within your own emotional hell.
dee 19 Jun 2011 @ 2:40 pm
Have to find solutions:
1) support group
2) if you sister does NOT have depression she will not understand this.
3) Turn to God, only God saves us anyway. Emotional pain can be healed. Read Bible, listen to Joyce Meyer, Charles Stanley, Pastor Dollar, on TV or internet.
4) Join a church. Everyone has to hit button to turn to faith. Look at creation around you – we didn’t create all this, God did.
5) Make up silly songs, poems, write in a journal (not negative or unhappy things), silly enough to LAUGH!
6) Yeh I couldn’t get out of bed for almost a hr. and 1/2 due to illness and I am walking again, so strong WILL is necessary and can be achieved.
7) Take a walk, stand/sit in the sunshine: remember what you enjoyed as a kid – the sound of the kids in the neighborhood, ice pops, bubbles, etc. and surround yourself by your childhood fun stuff.
dee 19 Jun 2011 @ 2:42 pm
oops a year and half, silly ME!
dee 19 Jun 2011 @ 2:43 pm
I am 48 and trying to stay young at heart, helps a lot.
Darren 20 Jun 2011 @ 7:31 am
Deppression is so common it is one of the few mental health issues most people would probably feel discussing without fear of other people running away.
I am largely not interested in what medical people think about this; which does put my view at a disadvantage to some people’s thinking.
I am just going to say this. If your mind is giving you clues that you might not be happy at the moment, perhaps it is time to change a few things. Perhaps not stop there radically change the way that you think about most everything. Start small and just think like this for a few seconds and then increase it in time.
Even if it didnt work it will stop you feeling so bad so in some ways it did work. When I got really down, I just did the above and it worked for me. I am not sure where the law is that you have to be depressed indefinitely, I mean you weren’t born depressed so clearly something happened to make you decide that meant it was easier for you to be unhappy.
snoekie 11 Jul 2011 @ 6:38 pm
It annoys me that people start using depression as an excuse for everything in life!
Suddenly every second person suffers from severe depression and should take medication and everyone should be nice to them before they kill themselves!
Calm down and do something about it!!!! I was paralyzed from the waist down after a car skipped a red robot….
You didn’t see me being suicidal and expecting everyone around me to change the world and life owes me everything???v
You ALWAYS have a choice! I suffer from chronic pain and I don’t even take meds or anti depressants
You get off your ass and make a choice to be as happy as you want to be and not wait for someone or something to change it!
AssHat 26 Jul 2011 @ 9:33 am
And when they kill themselves it will be all the sweeter.
Sean 30 Jul 2011 @ 5:51 pm
“Get a job”
I just had to say that’s what my friend tells me lol! One of my favorites too.
Laura 31 Jul 2011 @ 11:32 am
Some of these actually made me laugh. Not because they are funny, but because you can tell the ignorance about depression from those who make the comments. An expression my sister and I joke about is “just don’t” – like you can “just” change by thinking, “okay, I won’t” without any other help. If only.
Laurie 5 Aug 2011 @ 3:20 am
I’ve battled my depression for 40 years, and manage it now with therapy, meditation, cognitive practices and drugs. I don’t hide it — I admit it to those who don’t get it, and try to educate them, when it comes up. It’s a tough row to hoe, but it can be done!
My favorite personal story from my first major depression/mental breakdown:
My mother: “You aren’t going to do anything silly, are you?”
Me: “No, Mom, I’m not going to kill myself.”
Mom: Well, it can’t be THAT bad, then!”
*sigh* Ya just gotta laugh — and this from a woman who was depressed her whole life….
Craig 5 Aug 2011 @ 8:06 am
all the comments were great. its also so hard to tell people when your out numbered. And u know everyone has an opinion. I wish all of us could get together and talk to each others fam and friends. my cousin is the worst.He just straight insults me. Hell say no job no life no girl. Really hes just an 8th grade dropout with no smarts but it hurts as we are like brothers and supposed to build each other up, not tear down.
Andy 5 Aug 2011 @ 10:04 am
When you have depression, you feel worthless, empty, like a burden, absolutely pathetic and a loser. I know that sounds dramatic but it`s a fact. And I`ve had 13 of the things said at the top of the list said to me. I`ve had, “you need to stop this “woe is me attitude.” And God knows what else.
Michael 5 Aug 2011 @ 1:46 pm
Amen to all that has been said!
My favourite was the rehab councillor from work who (sweet thing) was trying to be helpful. “You know – you just need to be more resilient, like a tennis ball. The problem now is that you are fragile, like an egg.” I felt like saying something to the effect that if the world would stop throwing me against brick walls then it wouldn’t matter if I was a #&*@ tennis ball or a ?<&^ egg…
CAHadikin 7 Aug 2011 @ 4:46 pm
I like this one too, “Why don’t you go to school and then get a job?” Aren’t you tired of not working and not making money. I would if I could but my illness and medications do things to my brain and for that reason I can not work among the obvious mental health bipolar disorder.
Dean 7 Aug 2011 @ 6:13 pm
Confidence is a marvelous thing and can help when things seem stacked against you. It motivates me to get on and do things. Otherwise I would spend all my time in forums moaning about how crap my life is.
amy 15 Aug 2011 @ 8:33 am
Its not something you can snap out of. Its a disease an illness….tell someone with cancer to snap out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dean 15 Aug 2011 @ 1:01 pm
Ok Amy why cant you just snap out of it? Some days are worse than others right? So you can snap into it. I cant see any law stating that you cant just get up and declare I am not happy feeling so crap I just want to get on.
etcetera 18 Aug 2011 @ 4:15 pm
Here are two others that cut just as sharply:
“You take everything too seriously”
and…
“Youre a negative nancy.”
Ive had both said to me in the same spout of depression. How do friends judge so easily, while a perfect stranger questions if I am ok?
Saying..I seem down. I don’t want to disclose anything to anyone.
Ah well……such is life.
Amber 21 Aug 2011 @ 11:59 am
I suffer from depression and because it is menal and not physical alot of people dont take it seriously. I have been told that bi-polar disorder and depression are just excuses people use. I have trouble functioning most days because of it and I’m told that I’m just lazy or its just hard to get stuff done because youre old and fat. I’m 27 not 97.
I try to snap out of it without therapy or meds. Sometimes I can and soetimes I cant. But if someone else tells me to just snap out of it i just wanna hit them!
Dean 21 Aug 2011 @ 7:35 pm
Let’s say it is just physical. There is no emotional element. If you lost a leg that would stop you walking so well. But if you thought actually I am glad I still have one good leg. So in other words tough luck about the leg but no one else cares as much as you about it so only you can really be a bit more structured in dealing with it positively. Snap out of it? Perhaps the comment is “Life is difficult for everyone and you are not a special case even if you only have one leg.”
kadee 22 Aug 2011 @ 4:55 pm
Dont listen to dean unless you want to slit your wrist. Dean does not understand, thank god for him. They need to change the name depression to something different, something more serious! Like say if you know someone who is schizophrenic you would not tell them to snap out of it. Clinical depression is a serious illness, not to take lightly. I prey for everyone who suffers through it!
Laurie 23 Aug 2011 @ 4:29 am
I’ve been following, reading and re-reading this for a few weeks now, as I deal with what is so far an eight-month battle with depression (this time — I’ve struggled with it for 45 years). I’ve functioning, sort of — and I do it all: medication, talk therapy, meditation, physical activity, vitamins, light therapy… It’s helpful to know I’m not the only one out here.
Two thoughts:
- When I hear the insults which were the beginning of this thread, I take the opportunity to educate the other person about what clinical depression is, how it works, and what a physical struggle it is. Maybe I’m spitting in the wind, but at least I start others thinking about what it is.
- Out of curiosity, I looked up “up by the bootstraps,” and discovered it was an ironic phrase from the 19th C. which meant you could NOT pull yourself out of a situation. Add 21st C level of irony: now people use it as an expression that means you CAN pull yourself out of a situation. Maybe that’s another point of education when someone says the phrase to you.
Thoughts and care to everybody here. In a way, though, depression is worse than losing a leg: at least, you have a second leg. Unfortunately, we each have only one brain…
Dean 23 Aug 2011 @ 6:57 am
ok how about when you look back at your lives will it then finally dawn on you that it was you that wasted a given opportunity? No you probably wont. And that unfortunately the lesson that I take away we me about the mentality of people with depression.
Nick Davies 24 Aug 2011 @ 3:11 am
Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Being alone can be a very pleasant experience. Being alone means being alone with one’s thoughts and without interruptions. I contemplate being alone with a view of the coast and the sea. This contemplation is very pleasant.
Being lonely is a different matter. I know I do not speak for everyone when I say this, I can only relate my own experience. I have felt desperately alone when surrounded by people, even people I know, often when I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me. How can I tell the people I love that I am so desperately alone and frightened that I want to end it all? I do not look forward to their reactions from that announcement.
Being lonely means having no-one to reach out to and communicate with when you are desperate for that contact. Sometimes this is self-inflicted. I am held back from starting that communication by a fear of rejection. By a fear of the stinging and humiliating put down. I feel acutely vulnerable.
This sounds “needy”. In the sneering and superior language of the stand up comic this is a bad thing. But we are all needy, we all need companionship. We all need someone to help us fight the demons of doubt and self-loathing that afflict us. We all need a second opinion to tell us that we should not doubt ourselves, or believe everything we hear or imagine about ourselves.
It is when we are lonely (or should I say ”It is when I am lonely…”?) those demons seem to get the upper hand. I doubt myself. I reflect on the challenges I have faced and my struggles to over come them. Then the demon says ”There are others whose challenges were greater than yours, and they overcame them with more grace and less complaining than you did”. Never console me me by trying to tell me that there are others who are worse off than me, the bereaved, the abused and the crippled. I know they are worse off than me and that they are coping better than me. What does that make me by implication? It makes me weak and inadequate so thanks for trying to help, but you’re not helping.
I am trying to recall my achievements so that I can find some pride in myself. The demon says ”You may have undertaken large and demanding tasks, but some you didn’t finish and some you could have done better.” This demon is me, you understand. and my demon is giving me reasons why I shouldn’t celebrate my achievements. So please don’t console me by telling how proud of myself I should be. Each reminder about my triumphs reminds me that many have done better, I could have done better but I didn’t and that makes me a failure in my mind. Stephen Fry, who is no stranger to this ssubject, says “To pity oneself is to do oneself an enormous dis-service”. Thanks for that Stephen but my problem seems to be finding out how to stop.
Depression is nothing if it’s not a vicious circle of uncommunicated despair. It’s is a circle because my depression arises from my loneliness and my depression keeps me from tackling my loneliness. Each arises from and leads into the other. Suicide is not part of the circle. Suicide is place you go only once and you do not come back from. Suicide is the way I break the circle.
Laurie 24 Aug 2011 @ 4:31 am
I’m sorry Dean is so angry about people with depression, even if he does lump all of us together into a mass mess. I hope he never has to cope with the clinical version himself.
Thanks for the thoughtful post, Nick.
Kelly 28 Aug 2011 @ 10:30 am
I wonder why Dean goes on this site at all! He has nothing better to do than kick someone when they are already down? I dont suffer from depression myself but was looking for helpful ideas for my brother. Listening ,encouragement and medications are not working.
Laurie 30 Aug 2011 @ 3:44 am
Kelly, here’s a few more resources: “The Mindful Way Through Depression” by Jon Kabat-Zinn (cognitive-based mindfulness therapy) and the meditation involved in that; UCLA’s Mindful Meditation Resource Center (has some nice guided meditation audios on its website, http://www.marc.ucla.edu); consider a SADD light; talk therapy combined with medication have been shown to be the most successful approach; some vitamin supplements may help, including B6, B12, and magnesium in larger doses than normal. Acupuncture sometimes helps. I’ve done/am doing them all, and most of the time I’m able to be very high functioning. And I’d hate to think what my most recent bout would be like without all that…
Deenis Teel 31 Aug 2011 @ 9:04 am
i guess Dean believes that depression such as being bipolar isn’t a medical illness or disease at all.odds are he doesn’t believe in psychiatry/.the things he says reminds me of my hick ignorant relatives who believe that regardless of any mental emotional condition,if ya got 2 arms and 2 legs you can work and of course they don’t believe in psychiatryall,as “them doctors make all that stuff up just to take your money”.real uneducated morons..
Deenis Teel 31 Aug 2011 @ 9:08 am
certain abnormalities of the brain account for manic depression and many other illnesses Dean is uneducated and obviously doesn’t care which also makes him a moron.
Laurie 1 Sep 2011 @ 3:23 am
Or Dean is afraid of all this because he doesn’t understand it; fear prompts violence and attacks, verbal and physical. It’s ok, Dean, to be scared: The human mind is an amazing organ, even if for some of us its functions turn into pain. When that happens, understanding the physical and psychological habits are part and parcel of coping with the reality.
Luvster 1 Sep 2011 @ 10:12 am
Yes Dean, Confidence is a great thing to have and I have it too, but what the heck does that have anything to do when a loved one dies, finding out that you have cancer but think you can beat it with confidence (yet my family member still past away). Or my experience, Losing your job, having your car torn apart, having your girlfriend cheat on you and having surgery with malignant melonma IN THE SAME WEEK! Yea, I was really feeling great instead of being depressed. Yea people, you can snap out of that in a second!
Oh brother…….. Talk about putting someone down when they are already feeling down.
Dean 2 Sep 2011 @ 4:35 pm
It is ok. You can say what you like about me it will not make me depressed. I think by using an example of where life is difficult you try to undermine my point. The point is simply life is painful, generally, at times for everyone. If this is the case then some people cope better than other people in such situations and this, I believe, is down to the individual’s attitude. For example I worked with people with cerebal palsy. Some were kind and caring and some were awful. The difference I believe is attitude to life. Also when I disagree with someone it doesnt make me a moron it means that I disagree with you. The fact that some people do not understand that is a reflection on them.
Nick Davies 3 Sep 2011 @ 12:01 am
Depression is an illness. It does not need a cause, it just is.
Like seasickness and toothache, it is treated as hilariously funny by the brutally insensitive. To the sufferer it feels as if there will never be joy or happiness ever again, just the prospect of unending suffering with only the prospect of death to offer any relief.
Do not talk about “positive attitude” and one’s ability to “snap out of it”. These remedies are not effective for toothache or sea sickness any more than they are effective for this debilitating, dreadful and wicked affliction. To suggest they are effective is to ignore the abject suffering of the depressed.
“Abject Suffering”? Yes, I said that. I am aware that others suffer abjectly, the abused, the oppressed. And many of those who are subjected bear up with fortitude and humour and are models of the resilience of the human spirit. They inspire the rest of us. But to suffer from depression is to have that fortitude and humour and resilience taken away from us, we are left naked and defenceless and tortured by the taunts and indifferences of those around us.
Naked and vulnerable, we are subjected to the merciless bullying of the superego, twenty four unsleeping hours a day, seven enless unrelelenting days a week, Always reminding us we are ineffective, useless and so unworthy of love that we do not recognise it when we see it. It truly is a living hell and the end cannot come soon enough.
Nick Davies
Michael 3 Sep 2011 @ 9:49 am
I normally avoid buying into commenting on views like Dean’s, but I just can’t help myself. At the moment I am enjoying life, my work is challenging but successful, and I am doing a lot of things that are rewarding and exciting. I am also on some a cocktail of medications for depression, and occasionally I find myself slipping back into depression. Before being unable to function at all for six months, I was a highly successful executive on a good income and no one would have questioned my ‘attitude’. Two years later I am getting back into the swing of life, but things will never be the same. Better in some ways, not so good bin others.
If my problem, like Dean suggests, was attitude then I never would have become ill in the first place or, becoming ill, I never would have started to recover. My attitude has not changed – what has changed is that I have been treated for a debilitating illness that left me unable to function for months, and then a further six months or so where I’d be fine some days and a mess others. Even today I can wake up in the grip of depression some days, and despite a ‘positive attitude’ as Dean suggests, I am unable to do much more than wait for it to pass and suffer.
I’ve got a mental illness, it manifests itself at its worse in not just being sad, but in being unable to think clearly, unable to remember things, unable to move, and in a feeling of complete self worthlessness. The illness is called depression, and if people like Dean feel it necessary to come into forums like this to bait people like us, then I can only pity him. I wonder Dean, what has happened in your life to make you feel the need to display your insensitivity in a way that is so clearly hurting so many people who visit this site?
Dean 3 Sep 2011 @ 8:47 pm
ok fair enough.
Margaret 4 Sep 2011 @ 9:29 pm
I am a mother. I found this thread and followed it to 2011. I have not read everything, but will come back to read more. Your comments help.
Our son is very depressed. The depression expresses itself in hypochondriasis. This has devastated his life and that of his wife and children. We are all wondering if he will face his real illness? How do we talk to him? Should we say to him directly, your illness is depression? So far, I just hear him tell people he is awaiting the results of tests. We all know when the results come back he will go on to another illness.
Thank you all for your honesty. M
Cookie crumbles 5 Sep 2011 @ 7:44 pm
Hi everyone, just wanted to make a few points. There’s been mention of people in third world countries who live in poverty without food etc and they just “get on with it”. People in these situations also suffer from mental illness, it doesnt discriminate. In the West we are lucky to have an advanced medical system so depression is talked about and treated here.
Dean, you are so lucky to have this level of ignorance about such a devastating disease. I wish i did.
I also agree that the word “Depression” should be changed. For me depression is not feeling sad. It is a state so far removed from normal emotion it is indescribable. Feeling sad is normal, depression is not normal.
Spending 4 years in utter misery fighting thoughts of suicide daily is not normal, it is a serious life threatening conditon which requires medical treatment. People do not complete suicide because they are “sad”. They are in utter mental torment and can see no other way out. Suicidal thoughts dont just “happen out the blue”. For me they are the result of a trial and error of trying to recover and not recovering. They are the result of trying ANYTHING to recover and getting nowhere. (Medication, meditation, therapy, Electro convulsive therapy, CBT, thinking positive, eating healthy)
For the severely depressed there is no relief from the torment and one can only do ones best to get thro it the best one can.
It’s easy for people who are mentally well to cast judgement/say unhelpful things, they after all have a base within themselves to work from. They have a familiar self and sense of well being to work with so its easy to see things in a black and white simple way. The severely depression do not have this luxury.
Keep going everyone.
:O)
Laurie 6 Sep 2011 @ 1:51 am
Margaret, good for you for seeking solutions in a forum of folks experienced with this illness.
I’m not familiar with hypochondrirosis and its sources, but I do remember when I was depressed but unable to pinpoint/name it. It would not have been helpful for me for someone to say, “You have X illness.” It may have been helpful for someone to say, “You know, you seem to be struggling with something. In addition to talking to your doctor, have you thought of talking to someone, a counselor or life coach or therapist, about it? Perhaps they could give you some insight into your behaviors that you aren’t aware of. Maybe your physician could help you find someone for the both of you to talk to.”
It’s circuitous, but it seems to me that allowing your son a sense of power over his situation by posing it as an inquiry may also allow him to explore alternatives to finding physical things “wrong” with himself.
What do others on this forum think?
Eli 11 Sep 2011 @ 1:42 am
stop being lazy. (that’s the worst of the all)
Dean 11 Sep 2011 @ 2:54 am
Trouble is Eli, if you dont deal with it you probably are.
Nick Davies 12 Sep 2011 @ 11:12 pm
Dean.
Are you completely dense? Haven’t enough patient people tried to explain what goes in with depression?
You suggest that depressed people are too lazy to sort themselves out. This illustrates both your insensitivity to another’s suffering and you profound ignorance of the condition from which they suffer.
I have a suggestion for you. I think you should refrain from uttering such judgements in an area of which you are so obviously ill-informed. Whether you mean to or not, you are causing offense.
Nick.
Dean 13 Sep 2011 @ 7:32 am
Ok Nick, will you be burning books later? I am not ignorant. Nor am I ill informed. What I think you are getting confused about is that there is an element where depression feeds on itself, either by giving it a label and hiding behind it, as it seems some put here are doing, or by not realising that there are many practical things you can do about mitigating a rather unfortunate situation for everyone.
My choice seems to be, according to you, either agree with me or be told that I am ill informed. My suggestion would be that I either agree with you or disagree with you. I am disagreeing with you.
So stop being self righteous and realise that you sometimes do have a choice and life isnt completely black and white and sometimes not as a group of qualified professionals prescribe. I do not believe with this condition that one group of people have a monopoly on reality.
I have read NLP extensively and I have also worked alongside Mental Health Professionals. So there are a few things that are clear to me. Mental Health definitions are always changing, Drug companies drive many of the changes in defining new “labels” and knowing enough clinical Pyschologists outside their main area of comfort many demonstrate traits that they would likely diagnose in others. So sorry if you do not like that but it is just my opinion and one that I have spent time developing.
James 13 Sep 2011 @ 2:19 pm
Hi all,
Personally I don’t agree with Dean’s understanding of depression. The word “depression” is in itself unhelpful, as it describes a whole spectrum of conditions. Some people experience a form of depression that is very much physical, as well as emotional. I have not been seriously depressed for many years, but at one stage I found it difficult to even walk. That was a symptom of depression that was very real.
There is a good resource on the different types of depression at http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/depression/depressionexplained/types.cfm. Even within this division there are different experiences of depression with varying levels of severity and symptoms. You just cant lump everyone together.
My own mother recently went to her family doctor due to back pain. She cried during the appointment and came out with a script for anti-depressants. Without going into possible co-morbidities, it was an inappropriate treatment for an undiagnosed condition. For a lot of people that typifies depression and its treatment. Anti-depressants are prescribed routinely, sometimes to give people who are experiencing a normal level of sadness or other negative emotion a crutch to lean on.
I want to respect Dean’s right to an opinion and I can understand why he holds it, even though I think it does a disservice to the many people who are genuinely ill and lack the ability to just get on with it.
Despite writing this rather cynical post over 4 years ago, I started and continue to develop this blog as a way to focus on how we can be positive and recovery-focused. I’ve been happy to let the discussion go so far, but it has become a slinging match. I’d ask that we be more constructive from here.
James
Kim 4 Jan 2012 @ 6:48 am
Or how bout this one…”Why don’t you go exercise?” As if you can sweat the depression out of you!!!
anon 6 Jan 2012 @ 11:36 am
these suggestions are stupid. go say this to a depressed person and mostly likely, the will only get more depressed. you must have no empathy and god forbid you should ever have to deal with this terrible condition. people with depression don’t want to be around those who criticize or make fun of them. they really just want to be around people who care and at least try to understand. great article jerk ill make sure to not read it every day
james 6 Jan 2012 @ 11:44 am
just to be clear, this blog post was sarcastic, written by someone with depression. it was making a point about people who don’t understand depression and say hurtful things.
lunasera 9 Jan 2012 @ 11:47 pm
The worst one my mom says to me is
“If you lost weight you wouldn’t be so depressed”
she also likes to say people feel happier when they exercise, which although may be true is entirely missing the point.
Marla Jo Zeller 10 Jan 2012 @ 12:26 am
Nick is just plain mean. He obviously has no friends and nothing else to do but stalk this blog and offend others which obviously gives him much pleasure. I have had bipolar depression and anxiety for most of my life. I have had some pretty bad life experiences that have stoked these conditions. It has been a battle. But I try to be positive and have sought out many, many doctors and psychiatrists until I finally have found a great combination of meds and great advise that have lended to a calmness I haven’t had in years. I can’t work anymore because of physical conditions (some depression induced) and I have learned to what situations to stay away from to keep my anxiety to a minimum, but I’m able to get out more with my meds. I’ve started a blog which I’d like to invite everyone to read: expressionsofdepression.com . I’d enjoy your feedback and who knows, maybe it will bring some smiles to your face or a lightbulb over your head. I’ve enjoyed reading the threads and wish everyone better days ahead. May you find happiness someday!
Alex 12 Jan 2012 @ 9:59 am
It effects everyone different. I found Nicks statements close to home.
I’m at work and can’t seem to get myself to do anything. I’m not lazy. Just can’t make myself do it.
I don’t want to feel like this. I’m trying to drop hints but nobodies picking it up. Been told a few of those wonderful lines too. Pissed me off.
One said to me “Just move on.” nearly slapped him.
Laurie 12 Jan 2012 @ 12:23 pm
Alex,
I know the feeling. I’ve finally gotten a bit of a reprieve — meditation, therapy, medication, and finally being able to have it be ok that I couldn’t act right now helped.
Hope you have someone to talk through this episode. Keep in touch.
james 14 Jan 2012 @ 4:14 pm
I want to clarify again that this post was written “tongue in cheek”. Judging from the comments above most people understand this, but occasionally a person is offended; they’ve missed my sarcastic tone. I’ve modified the wording to make it clearer.
Belinda 16 Jan 2012 @ 6:20 am
I am a teenager living with clinical depression, and forced to live in shame because of what I have. If anyone with my school found out that I had clinical depression they would shun me, and keep away from me as if I had the bubonic plauge! So when I have to leave school for a therapy appointment and these people ask where I am going I have to make up some ridiculous excuse. And people wonder why so many teens commit suicide! They can’t handle bottling it up. And it is worse when your parents and family tell you all of those things from above! :P
concerned wife 16 Jan 2012 @ 4:22 pm
My husband has been diagnosed by his psychologist, and the universities medical hospital psychiatrist as having “severe major depression, recurrent, with extreme psychosis”. I have been unable to fully understand the extent of that diagnoses, but I think it is a very serious illness.
Considering his behavior over the past several months untreated, I couldn’t even imagine someone saying one of these comments to him regarding this absolutely disabiling desease. it’s like telling someone who has been paralyzed in a car accident to “walk it off”.
The problem I have is that he won’t take any medication because of his delusions. he believes they are poison. he has not givin any overt signs of suicide, so the doctors can’t force him to be hospitalized, which he knows about.
This list just proves that people are absolutely ignorant about so many things, but that doesn’t stop them about saying anything about what they don’t know.
I’m so concerned. To those of you depressed…..you loved ones are living it with you, maybe not to your extent, but they are living it as well. Good Luck all!
Laurie 17 Jan 2012 @ 9:22 am
Belinda,
Depression can be based in physical realities; please don’t be ashamed of it. I know it’s tough to admit something that others consider a “weakness,” but you may be able to find a close friend who can help you carry the burden. If you can, try to use any negative comments others make about depression as a chance to educate them about its source and seriousness. If you can’t do that, please remember we are all here for you, and I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. That takes a lot of courage; in fact, it’s one of the toughest things I’ve ever done in my life, but also one of the most rewarding. So hang in there, keep breathing, and best wishes. Laurie
Concerned 18 Jan 2012 @ 10:30 pm
How do I tell a friend, in a nice way, that we are getting sick at tired of her constant referring to ex husband as the love of her life because he has died. She hated the sight of him, wrote bitterly how she would get him once the divorce came through, tell him things she has held back but now he has died only recently, she is telling us life is not worth living, he was the love of her life, what is she going to do without him in her life and it’s just getting worse, not better. If there’s no reaction from any of us, then she says we all hate her as much a she hates her life. She does have 2 small children by him and that’s another way to gain attention by constant referring that his children are now fatherless, when while he was alive, she didn’t want them to have much to do with their dad.
I love my friend but it’s getting so bad, how can we help her stop this behaviour. She is going to lose us if she does not change. We understand that it’s a shock but give us a break, she used to be so vicious and now she adores him apparently. Her ex boyfriend was also involved in a bad accident and for a while she milked that also but I think he must have told her to go away because that bit has stopped altogether.
How do we get through to her.
Laurie 19 Jan 2012 @ 6:05 am
Concerned, maybe it’s time to ask your friend some questions, in a compassionate way, and uncover the reasons behind her shift from apparent hate to apparent love. Something like,
“You know, when Husband was alive, you couldn’t wait to divorce him, but now you talk as if your marriage was a wonderful experience. I’m confused. Can you help me understand more about why you’ve shifted? What is going on for you about this?”
I’m no psychologist, but this sounds complicated for her as well as you. Guilt, anger, fear, a need for attention — I have no idea what’s going on for her. You may not be able to get her to “stop,” but one of two things are likely to happen if you take the conversation to a deeper level: she will figure it out and be able to manage it, with your (and others’ ) help; or she will leave you as a friend because you ask disconcerting questions.
This is hard to do, BTW. Maybe you can do it with a mutual friend there as well. The key is to ask questions with honest curiosity, from a compassionate place, and trust that she is doing her best to deal with something, even if her dealing is driving you nuts and doesn’t make sense. If you are successful, there may also be an opportunity to suggest counseling so your friend can figure this out, but when people are in pain as your friend is, it’s unlikely unless her coping mechanisms fail her completely.
Good luck.
Some Guy With A Broken Brain 21 Jan 2012 @ 3:16 am
- God is not the answer, for it is him who provided the problem.
- Depression fuels depression. It’s depressing to not be able to make yourself take action to help your own depression.
“You just have to do it” was the dumbest advice I ever got, and that came from a psychologist.
sihaya 27 Jan 2012 @ 7:44 am
my all time favourite from my mother…
‘why don’t you ask the doctor about diet pills, or a gastric balloon… that might help’
btw im a cuddly size 14 but not ready for surgery yet!
Hannah 28 Jan 2012 @ 12:19 am
What a great thread! it’s just so great to see how well informed the world is. Anyone can see that it would be a much better choice to be miserable than happy, that’s why they aren’t getting better! Because they don’t want to! I mean depression is great! It’s name advertises only a constant state of sadness, but it actually involves a whole cocktail of emotions! You get guilt; from being inadequate, being alive, even from the illness itself! Not to mention the constant state of fear you get to live in at night thinking about how you have to get up the next morning. It van be extreme, but mostly it’s pretty mundane. If you like staying in bed, then depression is for you. You will get a desire To stay in it all day, every day. Mind you, you won’t be sleeping, or if you are it is either broken and short or long enough to suck up most of your day. It always leaves those last couple of hours. It’s merciful like that. It always gives you an extra couple of hours to stare at a wall, play tetras continuously or even plan each and every detail in a plan that ends in your death. So remember, next time you see someone with depression instead of telling them to choose not to be sad, join them in the amazing mental state that is depression.
Jay 28 Jan 2012 @ 7:57 am
My three best friends,know i have went through a phase of cutting a few years back…but now i dont know why and seriously dont see anything funny about it when they get angry or pissed about something they’re all like “ugh slit my wrists” ….but they would never do it? and would be the first ones to judge someone if they did..they’re trying to make it work as this new ‘thing’ to say. and i’m just standing there like…um bit*h please?
Jae 28 Jan 2012 @ 7:26 pm
I am a chick; just to start things off, not a guy even though everyone says I have almost a male-esque depression…I have been word vomiting on everyone the whole story of my life why not online? I have been depressed since I was 9, back then my suicide plans were:
‘I’m going to move to Hawaii, eat a ton until I die alone’
That actually always makes me laugh in retrospect, because it’s so cute, I just want to go back and tell myself that’s not how you do it, silly.
Made it to 13, got picked on a lot, and thus ate a lot…a LOT… At 14, (this is the good part) my mom read my diaries and, wait for it organized an intervention, because being depressed is as bad as drugs. They made me go to therapy, which ended up being a bust so when I said I wanted to quit she had the audacity to tell me ‘you were just jealous of your brother’(who has social anxiety x10) so basically the reason I went to therapy was because she DIDNT invade my privacy.
I started therapy again with someone else after a year; it was ok…until…..my mom found my diaries AGAIN after promising they were my privacy the first time. So my beazy therapist told her to bring me in and they did a surprise intervention, which was the pre-cursor to my one major suicide attempt, which happens to be another great story of mother/daughter bonding.
Basically I got fed up with everything, the anti-depressants weren’t working, I couldn’t trust my therapist or my mother. So like a pro went the pill route….15 minutes and I caved in and told my mom what I had done, thinking it might help, WRONG. After I told her she freaked and cussed at me, words I would never repeat and then went to the middle of the house and screamed:
‘Your dumb-ass sister/daughter tried to (f-bomb) kill herself, so we’re going to the ER’
In the vehicle pretty much heard every single one of those phrases that don’t help. What was really hilarious was the fact that I forgot to factor in my enormous weight so had I not said anything to my mom I would’ve been just fine.
Then on the way to school one day she asked how I felt overall, I told her I still felt sad ,which was a mistake, because I got the “snap out of it” “you have no reason to be depressed” and then the “you think you have it bad, [insert life story with little relevance]”
So I started smiling, pretending to be happy which the actual advice of my psychiatrist was. I lost a lot of weight after I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on stimulants (didn’t emotional eat nearly as much)…
I have seen many a therapist and psychiatrists, and at about 17 I had to start paying for my care, because it’s not necessary according to my lovely mother.
Psychiatrists don’t care either, when I told my old one that I was so anxious that I considered killing myself to get out of a date, he replied
“I think those feelings are just a part of growing up”, when I pressed on that I really thought it was a problem I got the best thing from a Doctor of PSYCHIATRY
~*”well I think you are just too young to have real anxiety”*~
Stopped therapy again, broke ankle and got super depressed being inside all day on pain meds, started on therapist #7. I like #7, because she was able to see the imperfections of my mother, during the intake my mom said ALOUD
~”Yeah, my daughter’s broken ankle and depression it’s a real burden and inconvenience to me”~
I don’t have family support at all, and therapist #7 moved so I am now seeing #6 again because I like her, but she was really hard to get an appointment with.
And where we end off is I am in a deep depression, and I am not at all invested in trying to get better, because it hasn’t ever. Tomorrow is my birthday, I will be 19 which means OFFICIALLY over half of my life has been spent in this depression, sure it changes from wanting to kill myself and just wanting to not exist, but how many times can I say “this will be the year everything will get better ” I just feel like an idiot now. I haven’t been sleeping for 2 months, haven’t been eating (I have a cheese slice after 3 days of no food, sue me) and I have in fact been telling anyone these things only to basically be told that it’s pointless because I really am not committed to trying, and I have been on so many meds and, the whole exercise route, I am done so saying I am not committed to getting better at this point is totally true.
I am sorry for being self-absorbed; this article just brought back all those warm memories, some of the things people said in the comments really made me laugh, because they are sooo relatable. Overall I hope everyone actually can get better, and I know that no one actually will read the whole thing, story of my life. <3
james 28 Jan 2012 @ 8:21 pm
Jae,
For what it’s worth, I was very ill for over 10 years before I started to see someone who could help. It took at least 3 years after that to settle on a mix of medications that did an adequate job, and it’s been 7 or 8 years since that I’ve been working on other things – apart from medicine.
My psychiatrist once said to me that there is no such thing as treatment resistant depression – it can just very difficult to find the right treatment for the person. I hope you will persevere until you find the right treatment and get better.
James
Suzi 28 Jan 2012 @ 11:02 pm
I don’t even know what to write except that I’ve been in the same spot on my bed for the last 24 hours. Help
Laurie 31 Jan 2012 @ 4:41 am
Suzi,
Please call 1-800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) and speak to someone, right now. I’ve been where you are. You can find support and help. It will make a difference. Please call now.
Laurie 31 Jan 2012 @ 4:43 am
Jae,
I say, kudos to you for keeping at trying to solve the issue all these years! Like you, my depression started young, with pre-adolescent hormones, and my family was useless. The hormones and depression may be related. Please, please don’t give up. A physical with hormone tests may help you get into a better balance, along with a better therapist and the right meds. Sadly, depression treatment is not a finished science, and a lot of plain ol’ art goes into it. But I found a fantastic therapist in a small Wyoming town and I’m managing to deal. Please try again.
Crystal 31 Jan 2012 @ 8:35 am
To the people who have written even more insensitive comments telling us to “get over it”….how dare you? If you have nothing helpful to contribute, then why comment? This is for David, Jenn, Dean, and every other person who has left obnoxious comments.
Clearly you know nothing about depression. It is hell. It is not something that a person can simply snap out of.
The last therapist I visited made some very condescending remarks about my depression. After six sessions, I did not return because I’m sick of all the ignorance.
Depression hurts. It can kill you. People who suffer from depression are treated with no compassion at all. Would you tell a cancer patient to just get over it and move on with life? No, I don’t think so.
Stop being judgmental when you don’t know what it is like. Yes, there are others in this world who have it worse but everyone deals with things differently. When you belittle people who suffer from depression, that isn’t helpful…it only adds to the problem.
Melody 31 Jan 2012 @ 3:29 pm
What the f**k is wrong with you guys, you ned to give yourselfs heads a shake, why must you insult people going through a hard time, what would you feel if I did this stuff to you?
Amy 31 Jan 2012 @ 3:35 pm
Hey how dare you say things like you have.
I can help it if I have depression. I know I have it, I know it maybe running my life but what can I do?
It is not something you can just get rid of, if someone says “get over it” , i’ve been depressed for a very long tome, I am trying to work on it, and then I see this.
I can’t believe you guys are even saying these things. I’m sure you know right from wrong. Well I sure home you think next time when you decide to do such a thing again.
james 31 Jan 2012 @ 3:49 pm
Readers keep misinterpreting this post as making fun of people with depression. As I wrote previously: “I want to clarify again that this post was written “tongue in cheek”. Judging from the comments above most people understand this, but occasionally a person is offended; they’ve missed my sarcastic tone.”
I’ve decided to close comments on this post. I encourage readers to visit another post on this site How to Help Someone with Depression, which lists some of the best things you can say.