The person with depression usually can’t see a way forward. They may fervently believe that nobody can help them, and life is pointless. That doesn’t mean that they’re right, and there are plenty of things that you can do to help.

The type and amount of care that you can give will depend on your relationship with the person, but here are some ideas.

1. Understand the illness.

Learn all that you can about depression. The better you grasp the illness, the more effective you will be in giving your care and understanding. It will help you to understand why the person behaves the way they do, and better equip you to respond appropriately.

2. Seek Appropriate Treatment

This is such a far-reaching, wide-ranging topic that I would be foolish to give advice. Suffice to say that it will be helpful for you to explore the treatment options available in your area and suggest to the person that they need professional help. It might be helpful for them if you go along to the first or subsequent appointments. Often a person actually feels relieved to hear a diagnosis and know that they are sick and that they can be helped. This was really true for me.

If he or she won’t admit they need help then explain why you are concerned and perhaps provide them with some helpful written information to chew over.

3. Provide Emotional Support

Your partner or friend needs patience, care and understanding. They have a real illness, and just like someone with cancer they can’t just “snap out of it”. If they could, they would. Saying things that show ignorance about the illness is counterproductive and will reinforce their negative thinking.

The best way to communicate is to empathise, listen more than talk, and ask questions like “How can I support you?” or “How can I help?”

4. Keep the Illness Separate

The illness and the person suffering the illness are not the same thing, so keep them separate. When they express pessimism, anger, frustration, or sadness, it is the illness talking not the person. If you separate the two you will find it easier to cope emotionally. It will help you to be a more effective caregiver.

5. Listen Non-Judgmentally

Don’t try to talk a depressed person out of their feelings, no matter how irrational they sound. This is likely to compound the problem. It is better to remain neutral and say something like “You are obviously really suffering with this. What can I do to help you feel better?” Keep your suggestions, solutions and advice for another time. My wife has also found that posing suggestions as a question helps me to have some ownership of the solutions. It stops me feeling nagged too!

6. Make a Plan

Help the person to make a plan for coping with depression. Identify things that trigger or worsen the depression and things that make it better. Think through and list the ideas formally on paper. Help them to put this plan into action. Some positive, helpful things to include are getting to bed early, having adequate sleep, exercising regularly, drinking plenty of water and eating healthy foods. The plan will be an evolving document as things change, so be prepared to re-visit it on  a regular basis. I often need my wife to remind me what works for my health as sometimes I go off track. This is a key role that the caregiver can play.

7. Look after yourself

As a caregiver you are likely to be under stress. You need to care for yourself by taking time out and recharging your batteries. Find other friends or relatives who you can talk to and rely on at a pinch. Sometimes you will need a sounding-board to keep things in perspective. Make sure you continue to live your own life as well, and spend time doing things you enjoy. My wife loves her part-time job for many reasons, but high on the list is escape. Although she is working, it’s a great mental break for her when home life is dominated by my illness. 

There are services that provide education and support for caregivers. Through information sessions and support groups, you can talk to people who are in a similar position.

8. Organize their medicines

If your partner or friend is taking medicine for depression then it is crucial for them to follow their prescription. Too many people go on and off their anti-depressants depending on how they feel. This all but eliminates their effectiveness.

I take medicine at night without any problems, but if it wasn’t for my wife handing the pills to me I would never take them in the mornings. She also fills my scripts and tells me when to go to the doctor for more. It’s not laziness; it’s just the nature of depression. More than once I have spent hours in bed staring at my pills, but not had the mental energy to actually take them. If your partner or friend is not complying with their prescription, try to find out how you can help.

9. Support network.

Introduce the idea of joining a support network for depression. This will give them an outlet for discussing their problems and receiving input, and help them to discover that there are other (normal) people experiencing similar problems. There are depression support groups everywhere. Make sure that you find one that is positive and focused on recovery. Inward looking, pessimistic groups can be unhelpful.

10. Get out and About

One of the most therapeutic things that a depressed person can do is step out the front door. Natural light is very beneficial, especially early in the day. Exercise also has proven benefits. Something as simple as taking a walk or gardening should lift the person’s mood. Anything low-key that involves going out can also help; seeing a movie, meeting friends, or going out to eat, just to name a few ideas. The most effective way for me to get up and out the door is to take the kids to school. There is a set time to go, which gives me routine, and the kids are great company.

11. Help with daily tasks

When your body is heavy and your mind is dark, there is nothing harder than the burdens of everyday life. Something that seems minor to you may be an insurmountable task to your friend or partner. Ease their burden by helping with the daily load – running errands, doing the shopping, cooking, taking the kids out for a couple of hours. You may be surprised to find that helping with a very simple chore could relieve them of a lot of stress. 

We had an old mattress that needed to go to the tip. My wife asked me to take it there for months, and over time it became a source of tension. But my thinking wasn’t rational and the thought of going to the tip overwhelmed me. When she understood what was really going on she asked a friend to take it. That was a huge relief to both of us. 

12. Spend normal time together

Just spending time with the person lets them know that you care and want to understand their problems. Enjoy the reasons for being their companion in the first place. It’s important that they live as normal a life as possible. Help them to do this by carrying on your relationship with them in a normal fashion. Don’t let everything get dark and serious. Find some positive things and try to enjoy them together.

The points above are general by necessity. They don’t fit all circumstances, but I hope that you find at least a few helpful ideas.

There are literally dozens of articles with similar headings to the one above. When I see them I immediately wonder if the writer has ever been depressed. Mental illness is anything but simple. Depression describes a broad spectrum of mood disorders, and there are many and varied treatments that provide different levels of success. Any “tip sheet” is by its nature superficial.

At the same time, such articles can be helpful. They aren’t normally written by medical or health professionals, so they provide input from outside traditional medicine. They give many ideas for lifestyle changes; ideas that won’t necessarily overcome depression by themselves, but nonetheless may be helpful to differing degrees for different people.

I’ve put links to a sample of articles below; some good and others pretty poor. I’ve summarized the tips from each so you can easily look further into what interests you.

You might also like to read my previous post What Works for Depression which is based on 2 research studies.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and ideas in the comments section below.

Top 5 Tips to Beat Depression
This is the only article in the 20 or so that I’ve read that suggests researching your illness and keeping a mood diary. Both of these are very underrated strategies that can get a person well on the road to recovery. The writer is also only one of two to discuss triggers. If you only read one of these articles then this should be the one.
Research depression, talk with someone, try different things to get well, mood diary, improved diet.

Ten Tips For Managing Your Depression
Of all the articles that I’ve read this is my favorite. It is well written and has a range of good, helpful strategies.
Sleep, exercise, less refined sugar, reach out to someone else, nutritious food, Omega 3, sunlight, yoga, meditation / prayer, professional help.

10 All Natural Ways to Stop Feeling Depressed
“The Blues” would be a better term than “Depressed” but there are still some helpful lifestyle ideas.
Emotional cycle, being with positive people, reflecting on past successes, gratitude, change of scenery, break in routine, animals and nature, get up and at it, find perspective, take action to help yourself.

10 Chemical-Free Strategies to Trick Yourself Out of the Blues
This writer doesn’t seem to understand depression. A couple of good points, but most strategies are ordinary at best and even bizarre.
Wear blue, take time out mentally, verbalise your anger to a friend, force your smiles, remove clutter, music, experiment with food, a concentration exercize, DIY aromatherapy, get in touch with your primal self through cooking.

Feeling Down? 7 Ways to Pick Yourself Back Up!
Another one that is more about “the blues” than depression, but the writer acknowledges the limitations of his advice. Some good ideas.
Make a list, take action, exercise, clean and straighten yourself up, get out of the house, lively music, talk about it with someone close.

Top 8 Tips for Living with Depression
This writer has a good range ideas, all of which can have an impact on depression.
Support group, manage stress, sleep, diet, control negative thoughts, stop procrastinating, learn to forgive

Top 10 Tips to Overcome Depression
Some interesting ideas, but the tips are a bit light for someone with true depression.
Talk, exercise, cry, sunlight, music, activity, write, balanced diet, affection, professional help.

5 Tips for Staving Off a Depression
Sound tips on how the writer deals with her own depression, before relying on medicine.
Work outdoors, eliminate the triggers, play music, exercise, maintain a positive attitude.

Five Tips for Reducing Depression
This one takes a different angle with the first two tips focusing on the media. There are some good ideas, but the article as a whole is weak in relation to depression.
Don’t read newspapers, turn off the television, be positive towards others, exercise, breathing and relaxation techniques.

Five Self-Care Strategies For Depression
Sound advice which includes exercise and adequate sleep – two of the most important.
Keep active, eat well, adequate sleep, minimize stress, maintain positive relationships.

Top 10 Tips for Beating Depression
This would be the worst article. The writer doesn’t seem to understand depression, viewing it more as a character flaw than a disease.
Develop interests, stay positive, fix your personal problems, create a positive social life, stop bad behavior, be realistic, make changes, become active, fix your diet, control your thinking.

In my last post I wrote about the diary I kept for 2 years; it was the key to working out what caused James’ mood swings. We made some breakthroughs just by reading it back from time to time, but most progress came from charting the data in an Excel spreadsheet. This gave us a clear, visual way to see the relationships between triggers and symptoms. We discovered a couple of major depression triggers this way, and also found that small things that were minor irritations would snowball with other events added in.

The trick for us was to discover which triggers were the most important ones, where the threshold was before they would have an impact, and what we could do to reduce their effects.

Here’s an example. We used to have a busy social life. Through my diary, I began to notice that 2 days after a meal out, James would spiral downwards very quickly and experience a period of depression for 5 or 6 days. It was a very strange, but consistent pattern. We eventually discovered that certain food additives were a trigger; things like preservatives, artificial colors and artificial flavors. Adjusting our lifestyles and upending our diets was difficult, but by doing so we pretty much eliminated one of his major triggers.

Another example is our “feral hour”, around dinner time when the kids are tired, hungry and cranky. Very loud noise is another trigger, since it causes James to become very irritable. If it becomes all too much he will disappear until the kids are calm again. He can now recognize when his irritability is rising, and so takes preventative action. The key is that we have agreed that he can do this when needed, so I don’t feel resentful for lack of help. Leaving me to handle “feral hour” alone is better than suffering another bout of depression.

This knowledge continues to be very helpful to us. We know the little things that can snowball, and we take action when, or before, these little things happen. It’s a preemptive strike, so to speak. Whenever a trigger or potential trigger comes along we have a specific plan to remove its effects. As a result James’ depressive and manic episodes have become more intermittent.

Click here for the fourth post in this series, Keeping Your Mind Together.

The basic idea is to identify things that work well for you in your fight with depression. Things like taking your prescribed medicines, therapy sessions, exercise, meditation, massage or relaxation. There are many possibilities.

In my Points Plan I’ve also included things that are reliable triggers for my depressive episodes. These are having a bad argument with someone (major trigger), not getting adequate sleep for days on end, or any kind of very stressful situation.

As you can see from the table I’ve allocated points to items according to their impact on my health. The only exception is medicine, which I’ve downgraded even though it’s crucial for me. It’s too easy to pick up those points each day.

The maximum amount of points in my table is 140 each day or 980 for the week. This is before deducting points for the triggers. I’ve set my aim for the week at 50% of total available points. If I can reach this then I’ll increase it next week. It might be worth adding in a reward for some motivatation.

I honestly think if I can consistently reach such a target, then I am well on the way to more stable health. And by relying on a range of positive strategies, I won’t be pinning my hopes on any single one.

So I’m off to do some exercise – something I haven’t done for months now – but it’s at the very top of my list.

If you want this simple template I’ve saved it for download as a Microsoft Excel file.