I knew very little about bipolar disorder when my son was diagnosed. My knowledge was limited to the assumption that there were tremendous, manic highs…followed by deep moments of despair. I don’t know how I came upon this preconceived notion…but I’d never realized that depression could manifest itself in the form of annoyance and intense irritability.

Extreme, prolonged, intense irritability.

Yikes.

I’d written off T’s seething annoyance as everything from fatigue to hormones…and I still believe that a lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster. Or at minimum, it sets the stage for one hell of an argument.

I’ve learned over time that arguments with T are frequently dramatic, regularly intense and oftentimes draining. I used to panic at the depth of his anger…I’d have this sense that our relationship was on the brink of devastation and I’d fear that we’d never be the same again.

I’ve since realized that like a summer thunderstorm, his anger is powerful…but it blows over quickly. I also recognize that most of the time, my unconditional love makes me the perfect verbal punching bag for his frustration and mood swings.

And yet. This is the same guy who’s wickedly creative, with a wry sense of humor and the ability to deliver a joke with remarkable comedic timing. He’s charming, sensitive and will spend an inordinate amount of time helping a friend work through his problems, without any expectations or agenda. He cares deeply…about everything.

That intensity seems to be at the crux of his personality. There is no middle road with T…he moves at warp speed and lives his life with unbridled passion. You can’t help but to get caught up in his enthusiasm…to find yourself being swept up in the wave of emotions that make up a typical day in his life.

This spectrum of characteristics makes T one complicated guy. Being in a relationship with him can be exhausting…and exhilarating all at the same time. He challenges you to love him for who he is…and he has high expectations for himself and those around him.

If I said I didn’t have some concerns for his future, I’d be lying. T can be unrealistically impulsive…and he’s very much a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kinda guy. I’m not sure how that will translate into adulthood. I hope that with age, he may become a bit more practical…and a bit less reckless. But I hope he can maintain the qualities that make him the unique and extraordinary person I’ve grown to love.

As I’d expect, there may not be a middle of the road…for it’s all or nothing in the world, according to my amazing, complex boy.

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This is the second of two posts written by Kathryn on loving someone with bipolar. The first post is Your Mood Swings are Giving Me Whiplash.

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I love my children.

It’s ironic how I feel the need to open with a disclaimer…but parenthood has not turned out to be the fairytale experience I’d imagined. Maybe it’s never wise to go into any situation with pre-conceived ideas of how it should go…you’re just setting yourself up for a whole lot of confusion.

I’d always wanted children, so after two surgeries to correct infertility and two unexplained back-to-back miscarriages, I’d begun to wonder if motherhood was something I’d ever get to experience.

The irony that our first-born son was diagnosed at 2 ½ with autism is not lost on me. Neither is the quirk of fate that led me to discover I’d become pregnant with our second-born son right around the same time.

The night T was born, he lay on the table as they cleaned him up and he screamed as if in excruciating pain. It was alarming. I remember asking the nurse if something was wrong and she replied, “No honey…nothing’s wrong. He just wants to be picked up. You are going to have your hands full with this one.”

Truer words were never spoken.

T has always been a willful child. I’d chalked most of his mood swings up to being a second-born, especially since his brother required quite a bit of attention. It wasn’t until around age 10 that we first heard the word bipolar. By this time, he’d become obstinate, irate and at times, downright belligerent. I remember wondering how a child so young could feel everything so…deeply. And, if he had to feel angry and upset…then so did I. He gave new meaning to the phrase “you always hurt the one you love”. I felt like I walked around with a permanent knife sticking out of my back…with a sign that said “twist here whenever you like! I’m here for you, babe!” He’d perfected early on the ability to use his words like weapons. That, combined with his above average IQ meant a whole lot of hurtful words that almost always hit their mark.

One day, around his 11th birthday I was taking him for a “Part 3” of a psych evaluation. He initially refused to get out of the car. When I finally cajoled him into entering the medical center, he refused to follow any of the doctor’s directions. He then made a crucial mistake: he casually announced to me that he’d rather kill himself and me…than ever deal with any of this again. He’d said it so matter-of-factly. If this was a mood swing, we’d hit rock bottom.

The doctors took his threat seriously and sent him to a psychiatric hospital for an unprecedented (by today’s insurance get ‘em in, get ‘em out as quick as possible practice) 7 ½ weeks of treatment. During that time, they tried an array of medications, talk-therapy (the doctors and parents talked, T simply sat there and dozed) and group therapy. In the end, he was released with a diagnosis of bipolar and was on several medications for the mood swings, including lithium.

Today, T is almost 18 years old. He graduates from high school in June and plans to go to college. Medication and diagnosis are always in the background, but he’s still done well in school, has a circle of a few very good friends and even has a serious girlfriend.

Still, the mood swings persist. I’d say 80% of the time he’s a fun-loving, witty, dynamic, creative, fabulous kid. But if he’s tired (and he often has trouble sleeping), he makes Jekyll and Hyde look like Bambi and Thumper. He’ll become challenging and combative and will argue circles around you…seemingly reveling in the experience of the argument more so than looking to make an actual point. His frustration and sense of entitlement are palpable…and intense. Arguments with him leave me feeling bloody, exhausted and immeasurably concerned for his future.

And then, it passes. Hours later, he’s calm…will probably have gotten in a long nap…and he’s apologizing for the outburst. My witty, loving son has returned. It’s like the sun peeking through the clouds after a surprise, intense thunderstorm…and the air is fresh and sweet…and full of…hope.

I’ve got a good feeling that he’ll be okay. As for me, my love for him allows me to practice the parental-refined art of selective amnesia when it comes to healing the emotional scars left by his razor-sharp words. That, and a lifetime supply of antibiotics…and I hope to be just fine as well.

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This is the first of a couple of guest posts on loving someone with bipolar. The second post is Loving Someone with Bipolar. Thank you Kathryn!

My son is allergic to green peas and his reactions are life threatening. He is intolerant to a lot of other foods as well, and as we’ve found out, so am I.

We changed our family diet some years ago now, for the sake of us all. I used to cheat, but I also kept track of my diet, and after a while my wife noticed that when I ate certain foods I would become very depressed 2 days later. (Almost to the hour.) Unfortunately chocolate was the worst! She mentioned this bizarre discovery to our allergy specialist who said “Yes, food does cause mood swings!”

Food allergies and intolerances are very different things. Food allergies trigger the immune system, and the sufferer’s body reacts, for example with swelling or hives. Food intolerance is about thresholds. You can eat the foods that you’re intolerant to, but you’ll have a reaction if you go over your threshold. Food intolerance is very common; much more than people seem to realize.

The reactions can be amazing. In me the intolerance causes depression. My wife feels bloated and lethargic. The kids get aggressive and irritable. Other people report anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, obsessive compulsive behaviour and even social phobias. Migraines and stomach aches are also common.

So, avoid the colours, flavours and preservatives! Yes. But normal fresh foods also contain natural chemicals like salicylates, amines and glutamates. Many people eat these in abundance, and even on their own they can cause plenty of problems. The chocolate I eat may be free of colors, flavors and preservatives, but it is very high in natural amines which causes me plenty of grief.

If you eat problem foods every day, and take the symptoms of intolerance for granted, then you may be missing something that is key to your mental health. If this could be you, then it is really worth following it through.

Our family kept to a strict chemical-free diet for some years to remove the problem foods. A common way for an allergy specialist or dietician to test for the culprits is to prescribe a strict chemical free diet for a few weeks until symptoms disappear. They will then give a series of oral “challenge tests” to see which food chemicals and artificial additives are causing problems.

I once took aspirin as a challenge, and it won. Apparently aspirin is pure salicylate, and it sent me out of my tree.

More information:
RPAH Allergy Unit
Food and Mood Guide

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