by Kate McLaughlin

This is a very helpful, practical article if you are caring for someone with a mental illness. It really gets to the heart of how you can understand, support and help, while also looking after your own health.

“If you have a family member or friend who’s been diagnosed with a mental illness, you’re probably wondering what you can do to help. Although new forms of therapy and medication make it possible for many individuals to lead full, independent lives, the support of family, friends and peers remains an essential element in the recovery process.”

…read more on supporting a loved one with a mental illness

Mental Health Best of the Web

There are many terrible things that people say to those with depression. Most of them are rooted in myth. Misunderstandings abound, outweighing real knowledge when it comes to correctly understanding the illness.

Let’s look at the worst. Readers of this blog have shared some of the very cruel things that have been said to them:

• All you need is a gun and some time alone.
• You must not be living right.
• Yeah, I know how you feel, but that’s nothing…
• You just need to wake up in the morning and decide, ‘I’m going to be happy today!’
• And you don’t even work – you have NO excuse not to have a clean house!
• My boss said to me, ‘Sounds like a personal problem. Deal with it.’
• She thinks she’s going to live forever and has time to be depressed.
• It’s a matter of MIND OVER MATTER: If you DON’T MIND, it DON’T MATTER!
• If you’d just stop thinking like a victim, you’d get over this. You control your life! Act like it!
• At least you have your health!
• Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.

These are real things said to real people.

Those speaking the words don’t recognize depression at work or they lack understanding of its nature. Or that it is a real illness. And if it’s not real, then there is no treatment. If it’s not there, then the “sufferer” is someone who just can’t deal with the stresses of life that we all face. If it’s not real, it will go away when the person learns to smile and pick themselves up.

In the words of one reader:

“The problem with depression is no one can see the wheelchair or the crutches. If they could, they’d be more careful about what they say.”

There are other myths floating around:

Only women get depression. It’s a normal part of aging. Kids can’t get it. It only happens after something bad. Antidepressants change your personality. Talking about it makes it worse. It’s a normal part of life. It will go away on its own. You can snap out of it. It’s all in your head. You choose to be depressed. It means you’re weak. It’s a character flaw. You can psych yourself out of it.

How do we respond? We must start with education.

FACT: Depression is a serious medical condition. Most people get better with help.

If you want to read some more positive, helpful things to say then take a look at “Helpful Things to Say to Someone with Depression”. And please leave your comments below!

Two of my most popular posts have been 12 Ways to Care for a Depressed Person and Things to Say to Someone with Depression. Why have they been popular? Judging from comments I’ve received, they struck a chord for the practical help in dealing with a depressed person. A view from the other side, so to speak.

I’ve just read a very helpful article at Psych Central that is in the same vein. Helping Someone with a Mental Health Concern is written by psychiatrist John M. Grohol. Of particular interest to me are his insights on effective listening and empathizing with a mentally ill person. It is invaluable advice for someone in a caring role.

To read the article click here.

I recently found a wonderful book called “505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend” by Lisa J. Copen. Since we are two-thirds of the way through Anna’s series on “Being the Caregiver” a quick overview of the book fits in well.

The best thing about the book is the practical ideas for helping an ill person. They are not platitudes like “If there is anything I can do…” but ways to be proactive with providing your support.

The book is focused on the chronically ill, and applies to the whole range of mental illnesses, but it would also be relevant to helping friends in any kind of need.

With the author’s permission I’m listing my favorite twenty.

3. Put meals into disposable containers and attach a note saying “This doesn’t need to be returned.”

5. Arrange for your friend’s kids to have a night with your children.

15. Treat her to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service ($7-15 a month).

18. Mop the floors.

21. Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”

42. Don’t say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” People rarely feel comfortable saying, “Yes, my laundry”. Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission.

44. Buy a magazine subscription for her on her favorite topic.

59. Say, “I’d like to bring you dinner next week. Would Monday or Tuesday night be better?”

81. Ask her if she wants to house-sit when you are on vacation. New surroundings may feel like a mini-vacation.

116. Take her kids for a movie and ice cream.

152. Watch your friend’s children so she and her spouse can have a night out.

180. Ask her if she’d like you to help rearrange her furniture for a fresh feeling in her house.

197. If a massage would feel good (it doesn’t always), give her a gift certificate for one.

199. Help her with her children’s birthday parties – but don’t take over; let her make all the decisions.

304. Clip cartoons that will make her smile.

316. When you leave ask, “Do you have mail I could drop off for you?”

406. Talk about normal everyday things, not just the illness.

424. Help her children pick out gifts for her on special occasions like Mother’s Day.

462. Go with her to the doctor and then go get coffee or lunch afterward. Medical visits get lonely and depressing.

468. Teach her how to use the Internet so she can learn more about her illness from medical websites.

The book is available by direct purchase from the Rest Ministries website.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics recently published the Time Use Survey for the U.S. in 2006. The chart for leisure time on an average day, for ages 15 and over, appears above.

The most striking thing about the chart is its neat division down the center. Just over half of all leisure time is spent consuming TV. TV makes up more than all of the other leisure activities combined. If you add in use of the computer for leisure, then total “screen” time is getting close to 60% of the pie.

I posted recently about the rubbish being shown on TV. It is full of stress and negative energy. Good news and happy endings just don’t sell. TV is especially unhelpful for us people with mood disorders.

My wife Anna told me tonight that the type of TV program that I watch has a big impact on my mood. A movie that is very violent, dark or disturbing can trigger or worsen a depressive episode. Even the nightly news can trigger symptoms like anger and irritability. At the same time relaxing in front of a comedy or light, airy movie can be helpful. It took Anna about 5 years to figure this out. Longer for me.

In your life, how much time do you spend on the right hand side of the pie? How much can you move across to the left, and what other categories of leisure can you add in that will benefit your health?

On a slight tangent, I’m interested to hear how other parents manage leisure time for their kids.

I’m not saying that I’ve sorted it all out, but for the moment I like the rules in place for our 3 kids (ages 4, 7 and 9). Firstly we don’t distinguish between TV, DVDs, Nintendo, etc. We let them have 45 minutes of “screen time” on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, and 1 hour 20 minutes on Saturdays and Sundays. Mondays and Tuesdays are “screen free days”. The exceptions are schoolwork and “typing tutor” (which is gathering dust).

Looking at the above chart I can see that we are strict parents, but it’s fair to say that the kids have a good balance of leisure activities. Much better than I do! And of course, if I’m alone at home with the kids and I’m ill, the screen rules disappear.