The Depression Dialog
September 18th, 2007I’ve noticed from feedback that I’ve received, from two posts in particular (12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression and Things to Say to Someone with Depression), that issues and worries facing carers are a major concern.
In response, my wife Anna will be writing 4 or 5 posts about these issues, spread over the coming 3 to 4 weeks, to relate how she has coped as a carer.
It’s really hard being a carer when all you want to be is a wife, husband, partner, or friend. It’s important to have strategies to deal with different situations and remain in your normal relationship as much as possible. This is what I want to work through in these posts.
I’ve learned over time that James and I can relate to each other in a rational manner even when he is ill. This has been a learning process; it hasn’t always been the case. And I still often feel like I’m walking on egg shells depending on the severity of the episode.
The key strategy that I’ve learned is how to talk to James when he is sick, either high or low. When he becomes ill he turns into a different person. I say goodbye to my husband, so to speak, and hello to bipolar James. In a depressive episode he becomes highly irritable and usually itches for a fight. Early on he will often make comments to bait me. “All I do is work, work, work, to support your lifestyle and your precious social group.” You can imagine what a red rag to a bull that comment is.
At this point I have 2 options:
1. Take the bait, have a messy fight and accelerate his downswing, or
2. Grit my teeth and say “it’s the illness speaking”. If I can do that then I have a much better chance of diffusing the situation. A comment like “You sound stressed about work - let’s talk” has better results and sometimes can even stop the mood swing.
Lately I’ve also been able to say “Let’s talk before you get stuck in a negative cycle of thinking.” This is huge progress for us. It usually results in a fairly sensible conversation.
James says some very hurtful things to me when he’s depressed, but I only tell him how he’s hurt me when he’s better. I wait until he is rational and can deal with it, rather than inflame the situation further when he is ill. I’ve also learned not to take his bait so personally, as I’ve come to recognize it for what it is.
It’s important to know that I couldn’t do this if I didn’t recognize the start of a mood swing. You need to listen to what is really being said before you reply to comments. Is the person sick? Are they really asking for help? Is this a normally held opinion? A few seconds of thought can save a lot of heartbreak.
Next time I can get on the computer I’ll write on learning about the illness and recognizing early symptoms.
Click here for the second post in this series, Know the Enemy.
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September 18th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Anna,
Thanks so much for the guest post. Depression runs in my family, affects both my twin sister and I, and my single mother is undiagnosed with (but almost certainly suffers from) bipolar disorder. I moved out years ago, but it was difficult to deal with the unpredictability when I was young. I know now that I developed some coping mechanisms that are a strain on our relationship today. I find it hard to bring up sensitive issues with her, as sometimes she reacts with extreme anger. Thus, we’ve never really had a substantive conversation about things like how hard it was on me as a child.
Any advice / thoughts on how to approach this? This issue has more to do with me than with my mom, and it’s not fair to her to not discuss things I really need to talk to her about because I want to protect myself.
September 18th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Anna,
This is so helpful both professionally … to share with other families who suffer with the depressive, but also personally. I’m going to print it up and make Eric read it. Thanks! Therese
September 18th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Anna, this is a wonderful guest post. I have depression myself, so I can feel for the carers. Your understanding and self-control are amazing. I’m not sure I could be that loving if I were the carer instead of the depressed one.
Thanks for sharing your experience and ideas.
September 25th, 2007 at 6:40 am
[...] is the third post by Anna on being a carer. Earlier posts are The Depression Dialog and Know the Enemy. I used to get so mad with James when he had major mood changes. Trivial little [...]
September 26th, 2007 at 11:53 am
Anna, Thank you for this post. While I totally agree with everything you said about not taking the bait, etc. I would add that meanness and cruelty are not necessarily symptoms of bipolar/depression. That you can recognize when it is illness speaking and wait to discuss your feelings is very important. But it’s important for others to know that if your point of view is never getting acknowledged, soon you may find you are living with a monster and YOU are depressed. Mental illness is no excuse for meanness or abuse. The give and take you have with your partner is essential.
September 26th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
Hi Eileen,
I agree with your comments. It is essential that the carers point of view is acknowledged, otherwise the resentment builds and the emotional separation starts. That can lead to real relationship difficulties. James and I certainly ended up there and it took a lot of hard work to rebuild the emotional connection. I think what really helped us was that James always apologized after a mood swing if he was mean etc. He has always taken responsibility for his lousy behavior.
Anna
October 2nd, 2007 at 6:28 am
[...] is the 4th post by Anna on being a carer. Earlier posts are The Depression Dialog, Know the Enemy and Keeping Your Mind Together. I’ve been asking James to take our old [...]
October 2nd, 2007 at 7:12 am
[...] by Lisa J. Copen. Since we are two-thirds of the way through Anna’s series on “Being the Carer” a quick overview of the book fits in [...]
October 21st, 2007 at 7:59 am
[...] is the 5th and last post in a series by Anna on “Being a Carer”. Earlier posts are The Depression Dialog , Know the Enemy , Trigger Unhappy and Keeping Your Mind [...]
December 8th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
Hello, I would like to ask the following question. My husband has been previously diagnosed with the “Fight or Flight” Syndrome, he is also a veteran of the Operation Iraqi Freedom war, which means he has P.T.S.D. and on top of all of that he also has O.C.D. (undiagnosed) He always hss to check his truck doors (3) times as well as the front house door 2 times as well as go in and out the door 2 times before he feels that he hasn’t forgotten anything. I also started to do research on all of the symptoms that he had besides the above and I found the book, Stop Walking on EggShells. It is about signs and symptoms of people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Guess What, He has every sign and symptom and attitude off the checklist that they have in the book. However, My question is he also has bouts of depression, the real highs and the real lows, Example: He can leave out the door to work in a very good mood, and come home in a very filthy mood where he leaves you guessing whether it is you or something else. Please help, as I am trying to find coping and healing information and assistance. He is a correctional officer for a sheriff’s office and also a Florida National Guard Reservist, E-6 Sargeant. He drives me insane. Thank God that I have been smart enough to seek help and counseling for myself. I have put my foot down and told him that he needs help otherwise we are getting divorced. He says that he will get help, its just that he is afraid that he will lose his job and he’s afraid to get kicked out of the Florida Army National Guard Reserves after he’s been in for 28 years. Exactly what are the signs and symptoms of Bipolar? Please help. Thanks so much!!!!
December 11th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
Previous comment replied to privately.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I am recently divorced from a bi-polar man with whom I spent almost 40 years. He was diagnosed at least ten years ago as was my oldest daughter. I stayed in the marriage because of my girls and because he threatened over and over again to commit suicide; my concern was what would become of my oldest daughter if he acted on these threats. My daughter is now 29, well educated and beautiful; however, she is getting worse, will not seek help, meds or counseling. She also suffers from PTSD and SAD. As I see in some of the previous postings I am similar to some of those who write; I am a very strong individual who is now on antidepressents myself due to the stress of watching my daughter’s personality turn cruel and abusive to myself and her sister as well as others. She is no longer the individual I raised, she is almost unrecognizable. The more I have helped her the more angry she becomes. We have tried family counseling and her anger is so deep the therapist gave up. My biggest concern is that she now seeks out dangerous relationships as a result of low self esteem. What do other parents do in this situation, Turning my back seems not to be an option.
May 26th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Dear Anna and James,
Thank you for your informative and hope-inspiring posts and comments. I was raised in a severely abusive home with molestation, physical and emotional abouse and my mom’s early death from cancer as well as the institutionalization of my sister as a result of her cry for help against the molestation. The tragedies don’t end there, but since I was twelve, I have been diagnosed with the following:
PTSD, OCD, Severe depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and several other “labels”. I have been seeing the most wonderful therapist for thirteen years (I am now 45) I take Zoloft, seroquel and valium. I have lost my mother, sister and two brothers to cancer and my father is drinking himself to death. My son, now 25, has gone through severe trauma himself, at times aggravated my my own mental illness and alcoholism (recovering since 1988) I am so grateful that my therapist has insisted I drop all “labels” from myself and recognize that for what I’ve been through, my symptoms/reactions are perfectly “normal” As I’ve been able to accept myself, as I am, willing to change and be changed at all times, a tremendous amount of healing has taken place. I have never been in a successful intimate relationship and this is one of my dreams. I can’t explain to my friends, family or “dates” my “problem,” because they simply cannot relate. I have been on disability for 8 years, after completing several years of college with a 4.0 g.p.a. I have been an overachiever for most of my life, but have never been so sure that I know less each day of my life than I thought I knew. I hope to be able to afford a copy of this book as soon as possible in hopes that my family and loved ones will take the time to read it. I have given up hope that they will understand, but I’d like to understand better myself, for the sake of my son. My husband “left” me in 1988 as a result of my mental illness (he continues to call me “crazy” I ran my own business successfully for years, and I am a published author. However, for almost a decade I have been to “sick” to work, shop, visit friends or at times even leave the house. I question the mental health professional(s) who have been treating me due to the variety of “diagnoses” and MANY medications over the years, since I was twelve… mellaril, desyrel, halcion, ambien, zoloft, seroquel, valium, xanax, prozac, and many others I can’t remember off the top of my head. (sp on all?) I have tried “quitting” medication several times and have been held on four 5150 holds in my lifetime, the last time for 28 days. The state was going to “conserve” me. I am unable to get Medical without an almost 500.00 a month share of cost. At times I go without food to get my medication. Please give me any advice and encouragement you might have regarding myself, my son and those who don’t understand us. So many people have believed, and still believe, that I am a “strong” woman, but I know just how powerless I am over the emotional tornadoes that have, and could, wreak havoc on my life. Thank you again for the posts, please send me any literature you have which might be helpful to me or my loved ones. God bless you and keep you while we trudge this road to happy destiny…intended for ALL men, women and children.
cathi
June 1st, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Hi Cathi,
Sad to hear that life has been difficult for you but I am inspired by your ability to persevere. We have found that education is the key to getting help and improving relationships. We have spent enormous amounts of time reading books and articles often only getting one or two things from each. Can I suggest that you read all you can with a discerning mind, ignoring the stuff that you know will not work for you. It is also good to focus on stay well material ie strategies to keep well that are not just “take your medicine”, essential that it is. When we changed focus from trying to find a cure to trying to stay well we really made progress.
Hope that helps.
Anna