Ways to Insult Someone with Depression
May 26th, 2007
There are many ways to insult someone with depression, without even trying very hard. The best way is to give them some unsolicited advice. Something that you think is simple, yet profound, and potentially life changing. But said in ignorance. Nothing cuts deeper to someone with depression, than when their illness, which is serious, is trivialized by another who doesn’t understand it.
Here are the some of the terrible things that people say:
“This is what life is like. Get used to it.”
“Life isn’t meant to be easy.”
“Just snap out of it!”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Who said that life is fair?”
“You just have to get on with things.”
“At least it’s not that bad.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“You have so many things. What do you have to feel down about?”
“You just need to cheer up.”
“Quit trying to be a martyr.”
“Stop taking all those medicines.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve been depressed for whole days at a time.”
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it!”
These are my favorites:
“What you need is a good kick up the backside.”
“Go out and buy yourself some clothes. That will pick you up.”
“Are you sure you don’t have a mental problem?”
“How about I cook you a good meal. That will make things better.”
“Have you tried acupuncture?”
“Get a job!”
And the all time best:
“Why don’t you try not being depressed.”
August 9th, 2007 at 5:26 am
I loved reading the ways to insult someone with depression, ive had at least 10 of these said to me xxx
August 9th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Wanting to insult the depressed is at least a healthy reaction as is evidenced by the wedding guest in the Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner when confronted with a sailor who wants to tell him everything that went wrong since he killed an albatross exclaims, “Unhand me you loon!”
When I was hospitalized on the Depression floor of my local hospital I never felt so at home watching westerns in the evening with a group of kindred spirits whose knowledge of the movies was no less than encyclopedic…some even knew the names of the Indians who were extras in a “cast of thousands”.
August 12th, 2007 at 8:27 am
This is very real. I know Depression very well. Recently someone said to me, “You know there comes a time in your life, when you just have to sit down and decide what is important to you.” That was supposed to be helpful.
August 12th, 2007 at 8:30 am
Here’s one:
“At some point don’t you just have to admit you’re better?”
ugh.
August 12th, 2007 at 10:17 am
All you need is a gun and some time alone.
August 12th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
I’ve ran into this suggestion more than once…
“You must not be living right.” implying that there must be sin in my life and God would allow me to be happy if I could straighten out my life.
August 13th, 2007 at 7:20 am
It’s amazing to me to see the things I hear all the time are said to others like me as well. It’s really sad. I wish I could say it was funny. But it’s a little too close to home anymore. People never understand what this is like. Lucky for them!
August 13th, 2007 at 7:58 am
My mother always says things like, “Yeah, I know how you feel, but that’s nothing… [story about something “so much worse” to try and give you perspective]…”
August 13th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
When I read this page it really struck a cord. I suffer from moderate depression and anxiety and I actually went partially bald from supressed anxiety (which I’m told is just another form of depression). As a result I see a therapist twice a month and take two seperate types of medication. That being said, I have to say I was reading these and thinking that half of these things weren’t offensive to me at all. Not only that, but *I* say these things to people sometimes.
Of course, there were the obviously rude remarks, like the kick in the backside comment, but, on the whole I start to feel narcissistic and start getting on my *own* nerves when I obsess about the things that are bothering me or when I’m just plain depressed in general and know I have no real reasonfor it beyond this annoying illness. When that happens I do everything in my power to “get over myself” and overcome it. I sincerely mean no offense and by no means am I trying to insinuate that others don’t try to overcome their depression as well, it’s just that I’m not so sure that all of these are bad suggestions, and I felt the need to add my point of view. Then again I’ve always been just a little bit “crazy.” ;o)
August 13th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
I’ve only been offended once, when someone told me that bipolar disorder is due to a psychological weakness and that medicine can’t help. The thing that was most offensive was his zeal in trying to convert me to his own theories on depression (which were based on a book that he read).
August 14th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Being depressed is like being on a little tiny island all by yourself. About 1/2 mile away are others on their bigger island that can’t get to you. They can shout all they want of helpful sugestion but those great ideas of theirs never reach you. All you can hear is mumble, mumble, mumble.
August 16th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
In response to Tori, I think that there is a big difference between applying some of those attitudes internally and hearing them from somebody else.
I know that for me “just getting on with things” can be helpful… IF I can do it. On bad days kicking my own butt might only get me as far as out of bed. The insult comes when someone suggests that I’m not trying that, just because they can’t see the results.
I think the only one that really bothers me is when people talk about their own situation being so much worse. It isn’t a competition, is it? And using someone else’s distress as an opportunity to change the topic to themselves is extremely narcissistic.
August 18th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
awful… just awful
August 21st, 2007 at 8:58 pm
I completely agree with Emma.
I absolutely hate it when someone will be telling a heart wrenching and painful story about something they went through and then someone else chimes in with, “Oh, I’ve been through worse.” And then proceeds to dismiss the other person to tell their own story, thinking this is helpful the whole while.
Ugh.
Here’s the worst advice someone gave me once.
“If you’re really that miserable, just off yourself”.
This, from someone I once loved. Only someone truly miserable themselves, could ever say something so cold blooded to anyone else.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Yep, I’ve heard nearly all of those
from my mum, I’ve also been on
anti-depressants since around 14
ten years later. Let me put it this
way, I do have depression, but thanks
to ever wanting to please people I did
whatever they wanted no matter how
bad things got.
I have two diplomas and qualifications in
business, an outstanding achievers award
and no job, why because for all that
for all the work and all the time,
I never heard these words from the people I needed to hear them from
“do what makes you happy”
I wish I was never born
but it really is very hard to kill yourself
and I sometimes envy those who have done it.
I value life, I just don’t want mine.
August 23rd, 2007 at 6:46 pm
I think one of the most important things in dealing with a depressed friend/family member is to not be patronizing or condecending. Just because someone is depressed dosen’t mean they are unaware.
August 23rd, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Hey Andy…
I spent most of my adult life living for the expectations of other people. I framed my worth around whether or not others would be pleased with my efforts. Thats’ no way to be Bro’, and it took months of the ‘right’ meds for me to get up the “cajones” to decide that “enough is enough”! I went out & got tattoos, bought myself some things I wanted, did some stuff for ME; and you know what I got?…MORE RESPECT! Don’t trivialize yourself by saying you don’t want your life…right now you don’t have your own life. It sounds like you’ve accomplished a great deal….reward yourself Brother!
August 26th, 2007 at 9:20 am
An old boss who took me aside: “You just need to wake up in the morning and decide, ‘I’m going to be happy today!’”
After discussing how bad my depression was with a friend, when I mentioned that my house was a disaster and I just couldn’t make myself clean it, she said, “And you don’t even work - you have NO excuse not to have a clean house!”
August 27th, 2007 at 11:54 am
While I am spiritual and, by weak faith, a Christian, one of the worst things for me to heat someone say is “Just pray” or quote the bible out of context, e.g. “God gives those He loves peace”. God is not so glib. The ‘Man of sorrows’ was “aquainted with grief”. Psalm 88 I tell them, read Ps 88 and get back to me….
August 28th, 2007 at 3:47 am
You know, i heard all of this “insults” when i was depressed and they did work. the one that worked the magic was the “snap out of it” I thought then “why not?” of course it wasn’t easy and quick but i tried to change the way i think , the way i do things. They may seem insults but at the bottom of some of them there’s some truth. Start doing things that make you happy, pretend not to be depressed for at least 5 minutes, trick your brain and have faith in wathever is important for you. You are the center of your universe.
August 28th, 2007 at 5:26 am
“Try not being depressed?”
get a reality check you delusional loony.
You ever been depressed?
not just sad, you pansy.
you have no idea what depression is.
Life has some excellent things to it.
but overall it’s a pointless venture where everyone tries to rape and kill as much as they can..
lay off the meds.
take a walk through some homeless shelters.
optimist’s need to open their eyes.
the world isn’t full of sunshine farts.
August 28th, 2007 at 5:52 am
Yes it all sounds so familiar… I was in a deep clinical depression for around a year and heard this kind of stuff from all corners, worst of all from my employer who thought I was nuts and some sort of threat to the kids at school! Hell he was lucky I was in the few weeks I managed to get into school and pretend to teach. I only did it out of duty. People seem to think that the depressed (I hate that term - sorry) are mad, bad or both. Depression happens when a deeply held belief about oneself or one’s life is shown to be incorrect in a deeply negative way, so the mind builds an isolative ‘prison’ to protect us from these inconsistencies that are bombarding us - the trouble is our subconcious then takes these inconsistencies and tortures us… I know this may not be everyones view of being depressed, but I know many who felt like this, and I’m writing it for the sake of those who feel like this and think they are alone - you are not the only one.
I guess the real battle is one of reasoning - but it’s an internal process working out that you are not bad, unworthy, evil and worthless or whatever evidence your mind is feeding you with. It is possible to get out of it - please believe me when I say this. You just have to be open minded with the thoughts that constantly pop into your head and give the ‘good’ ones equal space too. Allow the same analysis that you’ve done a million times in your head to prove you are worthless work on those other thoughts. You’ll often find that the ‘good’ thoughts still lead to the conclusion that your shit - but for some, such as me, just one came to a more positive conclusion and a crack appeared in my isolative prison wall. Once the crack appears please don’t turn your back on it - try to entertain the idea that you can get out of this prison and work towards it. Don’t know how antidepressants get you thorough things - they turned me into a lethargic zombie; took my first dose then embarked on a 150 mile journey - they kicked in whilst I was on the motorway, not good. I’m of course not advocating people throwing away medication prescribed - you should always take then if prescribed, but before you go on them, realise that a pill will not correct the false impressions in your mind and get you in touch with the reality beyond those impressions. Ask, no insist on a referral for Coqnitive Behavioural Therapy, or buy a book on the subject and do it yourself. For most people the prison will not come down until you reason that all the negatives you currently know to be true are false, or at least could be false.
I send my love to everyone out there who is feeling this way, knowing that I cannot do anything for you really to ease this torment, and this is my poor attempt at assitance, such as it is, but I will end in saying that you can beat it - I did and I’m friends with others that have; support networks are out there - be brave and use them, I’ve yet to meet someone who didn’t benefit from them.
August 29th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
the problem with depression, is no one can see the wheel chair or the crutches. If they could, they’d likely be more careful about what they say.
G
September 2nd, 2007 at 3:36 am
Gc got it right. I find a lot of the time people with depression want to be understood about as little as people tend to understand them anyway.
So many people use the shield of “You Wouldn’t Understand Anyway” and “It’s a Disease” and then have the nerve to blame the actions of others. I don’t know about you, but if I had, say, cancer, I wouldn’t find someone telling me to “harden up” insulting in the least; I’d just find it retarded.
Don’t get up in arms over it. Explain, calmly, as much as you can. If someone doesn’t, and by definition can’t understand what you are going through, you can’t blame them for that. What might help, is just flat out saying “Hey, it really hurts me that you say something like that. Don’t think I don’t try.”
While it’s mercifully avoided me, enough people in my immediate family and close friends of mine have suffered from major depression that I am still quite familiar with it, enough to be able to know that if someone _can’t_ understand something that works in the same way that you _can’t_ snap out of it. So chill out.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
My favourite has always been: “L. thinks she’s going to live forever and has time to be depressed.”
Yeah, that really helped a lot. That was more than 25 years ago and I still remember it. Especially now when I look back on those years and wonder why I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the migraines, depression and fibromyalgia to marry, raise a family and have a career.
Professors and employers used to tell me I had potential. Clearly I’ve misplaced it.
September 6th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
The worst come back in the mists of depression, is “YOU LET THEM”. It magnifies the guilt weighing down the regret of that momment that has me marinating in the memories I regret the most.
Yeah boo hoo, but its true. You reach out to what you hope are trusted ears and you get, well “YOU LET THEM”. Creates a deeper ache.
September 7th, 2007 at 6:34 am
I’ve gone through deep depressions several times in my life. After the first time I realized some things that I considered profound…
1) In a suicidal depression, when you’re right on the verge… you can kill yourself. A simple action, and you can have total, undeniable control over absolutely every aspect of your life. Understanding this truth at such a personal level for me was profound. If I could control that with my choices; I could take back control over anything, even with simple actions.
2) Although depression can be hell to go through; it can actually be an opportunity. When you go through a depression something very real is happening to you. Your brain actually shrinks; you lose connections. Emerging out of a depression, you have the ability to reshape your brain in a way that someone that has not gone through a depression can’t… by rebuilding those connections in new ways. It’s hard work, but you have an ability to change yourself like no one else can through arriving at deeper understandings. Go with it. Let yourself be depressed if you need to (but don’t force it), understand and become a better person.
September 7th, 2007 at 8:06 am
My father said a variety of these things to me with enough frequency to seriously damage our relationship. My father is no longer my friend, and we are both much happier of we do not speak to each other. I’ll guarantee that, now!
I give as good as I get and I don’t hesitate a second to tell the bully what a coward he has continually proven himself to be.
September 7th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Some of the best things on this comment page were written by Paul. He says:
“It is possible to get out of it - please believe me when I say this. You just have to be open minded with the thoughts that constantly pop into your head and give the ‘good’ ones equal space too. Allow the same analysis that you’ve done a million times in your head to prove you are worthless work on those other thoughts. You’ll often find that the ‘good’ thoughts still lead to the conclusion that your shit - but for some, such as me…..”
Torture is a good word to describe what we do to ourselves. Sometimes, let’s face it, a lot of times, we let ourselves get totally consumed by our depression.
As for all those things you don’t want to say to a depressed person, I agree with the majority of them except the one about pulling yourself together. Having someone who cares about you suggest that you need to pull yourself together, if presented in the right way, can be very helpful. Especially if they can give you something else to focus on besides your own grief. Sometimes, it CAN work!
September 8th, 2007 at 3:12 am
Paul, you put in words, better than I ever could, EXACTLY how I feel/felt:
“Depression happens when a deeply held belief about oneself or one’s life is shown to be incorrect in a deeply negative way, so the mind builds an isolative ‘prison’ to protect us from these inconsistencies that are bombarding us - the trouble is our subconcious then takes these inconsistencies and tortures us… ”
It seemed like I woke up one day and suddenly didn’t know who I really was.
September 9th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
I’ve been told “I can’t help you” from a family member, and ignored! That’s even more insulting than words!
September 13th, 2007 at 10:28 am
These statements are direct quotes from my family; which, despite the massive public campaigns to educate people on the subject, still thinks I do this on purpose to get attention. I have not even talked about my challenges in at least 30 years, yet they still think I am about to launch into some tale of woes. The first indication that I had issues came when I was 18 months old. My parents were told repeatedly over the years to get me help. My mother, a born-again-Christian said if I were truly born-again I would be fine. When she was angry she told me I was demon possessed. Now, at 59, they tell my 25 year old son that I am not ill and that he should get away from me. “We will take you in.” He can barely tolerate being in the same city with them. He also suffers from Depression and Anxiety but not from Borderline Personality Disorder and phobias as I do. He has watched me struggle and overcome much. He is supportiing me in the Post Traumatic Stress I suffer from a very long run of losing homes and jobs. Without medications, day-by-day effort and the practice of mindfulness I would not be alive despite the support of my friends. I have spent 40 plus years working to be whole and healthy and made a great deal of progress, yet I know I can never be without medication. My family seems to waffle back and forth between blaming me and blaming the meds. My only contact with my family is out of compassion for them and it is rare. My son thinks I should just walk away. As a Buddhist, I know that it is the negativity and lack of support that drove me to learn what I have and become what I am. I understand that the nasty, ignorant, and downright stupid things people say to me come from a place of fear and helplessness. After all, “If you have a brain you can have a mental illness.” (Unknown)
Still…I can only take so much and I have to flee and recover. The subconscious and the parasitical toxic emotions do grab hold of this stuff to torture us with. It is a full time job just to shut off the ruminations. It took me most of my adult life, to date, to accept that I am physically ill and cannot pull myself up by my boot straps. I wish I had not spent so much time out of it because I did not want to use the drugs, which for so long was the goal of psychotherapy. No, it appears, the goal is to plug you full of drugs and send you back into the fray that triggers the whole mess again.
AntiqueSandy
September 17th, 2007 at 12:05 am
I’ve had people tell me to “up my dosage” ask if my medication was “working” or if I had been taking it. The saddest part, I’ve heard everyone of those at least twice! I want to give a copy of this to everyone of my co-workers!!!!
September 17th, 2007 at 10:57 pm
I think people who say these things are at a loss of knowing what to say. They may have never personally experienced depression and don’t understand how horrendous it can be. I went through depression and although I had a family who loved and supported me, I had to work really hard with God’s help to change the way my mind was telling me to feel and act. I relied on God’s word and stayed in close communication with Him. I had to stay away from negative people and what they would say negative. Also, anything that brought me down such as the news on tv. I don’t think anyone can say they truly understand what you’re going through in a time of depression, unless they’ve gone through it themself. Sometimes someone’s hand on my shoulder was enough to strengthen me even though they may not have realized it. Thank God I am no longer depressed and never want to go back with God’s help. I pray for each one knowing they can make it through this hard time!
September 18th, 2007 at 7:13 am
I can’t believe how tired I am of hearing: “Just do this–just do that,” as if all of life’s problems can be solved for a depressed person at the whimsical snap of the fingers. It drives me nuts.
It isn’t unwise to understand the source of depression, either. In our society, we constantly strive to press natural beings into an artificial existence. As a rule, we are required to destroy our environment, pollute our air and waters, and take away the resources from future generations. Not only that, but in our modern world, we are so busy trying to live up to ideals–fabricated concepts by which we define ourselves–and to try to earn money that we deify, that we don’t know our true selves any longer. Depression actually vanishes for me when living in nature–I’m not talking about a mere hike in the park, but actually existing in the way we are supposed to as natural beings. In society, however, I’m bipolar. When is everyone going to wake-up and see that this system just simply doesn’t work on so many levels?
September 26th, 2007 at 6:01 am
[…] to add: A fantastic page I stumbled on, Ways to Insult Someone with Depression—all those things NOT to say to someone who’s […]
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:46 pm
I’ve always broken depression into two camps: Causal (or Situational) and Chemical (or Clinical).
With Causal depression, you are depressed for a reason, and you can get over it. With a great deal of work and effort and faith and patience, you can get over it. “Just snap out of it” tends to work for Causal depression. Not quickly, of course, but I’ve seen a few posts here, such as Paul’s, who enumerate a cause for depression and suggest things to alleviate it. I am glad that your depression can abate, that you can heal and be whole again. I truly am. But that is not every depressant’s situation, as you say. I know and am glad that you acknowledge that not everyone perceives depression the way you do, because it’s very very true.
With Clinical depression, you are depressed for absolutely no reason at all. Nothing is wrong, no one has run over your dog or altered your perception of yourself. Your brain simply is not and will not create or is not and will not receive enough of the chemicals it needs to maintain a healthy state of mind. It’s source physical, not situational, and this is when medication is often not only helpful, but vital. Separating emotional sources from the physical brain structure is a fine line and a very difficult one to diagnose and treat. This is where “just snap out of it” falls flat on its face and becomes hurtful.
A friend of mine likened Causal depression to a radio station. Imagine that there is a little DJ sitting in your head playing records. The records all have titles like “You’re A Loser” and “There’s No Reason to Smile” and “Why Bother?” and so on. I imagine we’ve all heard these songs. Depression’s Greatest Hits.
She suggests that when you hear these songs you should fire the DJ. He’s poison in your brain. Instead, try “You Can Do It!” and “Up And At ‘Em, Tiger!” and “I Believe In You!” - these are all good songs to switch to. Positive reinforcement, essentially. And for some people, they work wonders.
For the Clinically depressed, however, they can make matters worse. Because you feel guilty when the songs don’t work. Ugh. Rainbows and butterflies and inspirational platitudes can really make you want to toss the furniture around the room if they don’t help. Which is why a carer really needs to understand the source of a particular person’s situation. We’re all so vastly different.
Having suffered from both Causal and Clinical depression, I’ve learned to tell one from the other. I can feel the difference. I know when I’m sad because my brain is just not working right, and when I’m sad because my goldfish or grandmother or cactus died.
There’s also the question of Clinical depression occasionally being the source of Causal depression. “My brain chemistry has made me depressed. That fact makes me even sadder.” Ooh, that’s a nasty one. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. In a situation like that, firing the DJ can really help, at least with half of the problem, so you can pull yourself together enough to deal with the other half.
On a side note (pun intended), while we’re speaking of DJs, I’ve found that listening to music is a powerfully helpful coping technique for me. I’ve got a friend who is both a musician and a biochemist. He is actually studying the way that music (and other sounds, of course) actually change the structure of the brain itself. Heavy Metal or soft ballads? Rap or gentle harp music? Trumpet or flute? A crying baby or a purring cat? A crack of lightning or the gentle patter of raindrops on the grass? Voice of a loved one or the voice of your boss(or other stressor)? Fascinating work, he’s doing.
October 3rd, 2007 at 10:09 pm
How about: “Smile and you’ll feel better”
Bootstraps anyone?
October 8th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
How about this one? “It’s a matter of MIND OVER MATTER: If you DON’T MIND, it DON’T MATTER!”
I heard that over and over when I went thru my period of post-partum depression, my second real clinical depression.
I’ve heard most of the things at the top, so many times. Especially from my mother, who also suffers from depression.
October 9th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
“I can’t pick myself up by my bootstraps. I have no bootstraps, my shoes are worn down to the SOUL.”
October 11th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Josie, your DJ analogy is fantastic!
“Depression’s Greatest Hits”, lol… now that made me smile.
October 16th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Thanks so much for this post.
I’d also like to add one of the things told me by a fine, loving, devout sister, after 30 years of dealing with chronic depression.
“Are you sure there isn’t some unconfessed sin in your life that’s causing this separation from God’s love.”
Yikes!! Talk about hurt. Now I’m sinful, banned from God’s love and a jerk for letting it go on so long! Sigh… She did mean well, but “ouch.”
November 9th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
i have read all of your insights on this.. and i am astonshied.
in my opinion, depression can only beovercome if we ourselves can reach outfor the support we are getting and pull through. i have gotten most of the comments made above and it kills me to know that there are people making such careless comments on such significant issues. the insluts can be taken very differently between diferent individuals. so i guess its how an individual interprets among the information received.
my mom doesnt understand my depression at all. she thinks im just lazy .. but i keep trying to tell her that its a real problem and im trying my best to get out of the situation as mush as i can. but i cant change her mind.
what intrigued me the most is that my close friends and family think that im crazy or of that sort….
anyways im seeking treatment . isnt that good enough of an improvement for them to see that im trying my best.
Paul i was intrigued by what you wrote …. thats exactly how i feel
November 10th, 2007 at 12:51 am
While I have been through depression also and have friends who have been through worse, sometimes people say those things to us to genuinely try and help. When you see someone who keeps coming to work depressed and you want to help them, what can you say?
November 22nd, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Even when you know the person saying it is trying to be helpful, it still hurts. It’s like saying you’re the way you are because you didn’t do a, b, c, d…. Does anyone need that? Especially when you’re already down? Especially when you already know that there are no situations that is making you feel the way you do? BTW, medications are not supposed to make you a zombie but to create a chemical balance that was missing in your brain.
November 24th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
the one i hear all the time is snap out of it does that help me know because if i could snap out if dont you think i would. they think they understand what your going trough when they dont and they think by saying snap out of it everytings going to be fine well its alot easier said than done.
November 24th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
Thanks for the list of things *not* to say.
However, this doesn’t really move us toward better behaviour; there are countless more “worst things to say” that could be listed.
How about a list of things that *should* be said in this situation?
November 24th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
Here is the one that you’re after. I hope it helps.
http://www.findingoptimism.com/healthy-mind/ways-to-build-up-someone-with-depression/
November 26th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
Just thought I’d add…as a person who currently can’t afford the therapy or the medication…who is married to someone else who can’t afford the therapy or the medication…
Once, my husband was told…by a mental health professional(!) that his panic disorder and obsessiveness was something common among housewives. Never mind what this says about homemakers, never mind what this says about his mental state at the time…how could any professional be so immasculating, and egotistical, so rude and unfeeling to say something like this!?
What is our recourse when we have to try, try and try again for the “right fit” both med and therapy in this world. PLEASE VOTE WISELY!
January 1st, 2008 at 11:17 pm
As a depressive of more than 10 years, my favorite has to be (from my parents, both of whom have unsuccessfully battled depression my whole life while insisting that’s not what’s going on):
“If you’d just stop thinking like a victim, you’d get over this. You control your life! Act like it!”
February 7th, 2008 at 5:59 am
I agree that some parts of depression can be dealt with, using CBT or other therapy… but that doesn’t make it trivial…
I have been diagnosed as bipolar for about 4 years, and as depressive for 10 years over that - and I have heard all of these over time. I am fortunate that my family and closest loved ones are informed, and have been very supportive… Though my mom has on a few occasions said, “Well, at least you’re not schizophrenic” which has to be the most bizarre.
But there’s little I can do to avoid these from friends, or even my employer.
My boss said to me, “Sounds like a personal problem. Deal with it.”
I guess people don’t realize how debilitating it can be to not be able to sleep, to sleep all day, to be constantly sick from changing medications.. and that’s not even to touch on the true emotional and mental impact.
Years ago I didn’t think of myself as ill. I probably believed many of these things myself. I have come to the point where I know that I *am* sick. It’s not a personal failure. And I hope that I’ll get better.
February 14th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
One sad day I broke down to my doctor and my therapist as I could not cope with “it” alone anymore, since then I have felt labelled as vulnerable and weak. ALL my so called friends have no time for me, they probably find my failures amusing. My family refuses to believe the severity of my condition. I have aquired the taste for alcohol and cigarettes. A new insult; “at least you have your health!” Are thoughts of suicide healthy?
February 27th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
sigh
March 18th, 2008 at 8:44 am
“You know, life’s like the weather: sometimes it rains, then the sun comes out.”
What a great advice - always sounds to me like ‘Forest Gump’. As is the case with most of these retarded sayings. Which says way more about the people throwing that crap at you than about yourself.
Yet, worst for me has been that most of the people who seem to have taken several classes on “Ways to insult a person with depression” really want to encourage you, but have not developed any kind of empathy or at least rhetorical abilities to make that happen. Hard for me to see how one can walk through life without getting a sense of at least treating a person decently - as a person.
March 22nd, 2008 at 7:05 am
Excellent post and replies. This is something I have constantly run into during my seven years of depression and have constantly worked to educate people about. The problem with depression is that it is not only an illness, but it is also a feeling. Therefore, everyone around us thinks they understand what we are going through even though they don’t have a clue!
I wrote a similar post in January after an experience I had in a support group for recovering alcoholics. http://depressionmarathon.blogspot.com/2008/01/looney-tunes.html
Thanks for the great conversation!
March 26th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
It’s always fun to ask the people who say these kinds of things how well it works when they tell a quadriplegic to quit being so lazy and get up and do something: “No? You mean your advice isn’t actually helpful for people suffering from major illnesses?” (Bat eyelashes in puzzlement.)
March 27th, 2008 at 3:01 am
Wow…talk about fate (or circumstance) and finding, in a COMPLETELY round-about way, just what you needed to hear. As has been already spoken by others, I wish I could print this out and post it on the employee bulletin board in my office (then somehow FORCE every employee to read ALL the comments, which are stunningly veracious and obviously written by many of us who are not only educated, but unfortunately, suffer this disease.
I feel that in most cases, also aforementioned, these comments are born of ignorance and not cruelty. Not to state that most people are basically ignorant (though, I admit having said that a time or 202), but uneducated on major clinical depression. Sadly, the majority of them not only are uneducated, but do not care to BE educated, instead, they go about spouting these inane comments about something that I believe, NO ONE can truly understand unless they have experienced it. A bigger person would admit that.
I have found that what helps me the most is not what my loved ones SAY, but what they don’t say, that is, that they are willing to LISTEN and have no compulsion to retort with “helpful” advice such as is listed here. They are able to do this and to KNOW it’s what I need, because they CARED enough to educated themselves. In doing so, they also know when I just want them there but do not feel like talking or conversation and, perhaps most importantly of all, understand when I just want to be left alone and do so without drama or childishness that I certainly do not need to add to my already overflowing plate at this time.
That being said, the MOST hurtful words spoken to me during my treatment-resistant depression were the ones I never heard from so-called friends who suddenly became too busy with an unending list of excuses why they could not find the two minutes it takes to send an e-mail or a text message and just say “Hey! I’m thinking of you and I just wanted you to know that I am and that I love you.”
I could have received ten of those supportive messages in the time it took them to type out 14 excuses why I had heard NOTHING from them.
Number 51. That hurt.
March 29th, 2008 at 11:26 am
HERE IS A GOOD ONE…”DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH A CRAZY F…… BITCH EVERYDAY?!” OR “WHY CANT IT JUST BE OK?” “YOU NEED TO JUST GET OVER IT” THOSE ARE THE FEW FAVORITES THAT IVE HEARD UPON ADDRESSING MY SEVERE DEPRESSION TO THE ONE I LOVE.
April 8th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I have read nearly every reply and find myself as the author of each. My husband, a nurse, told me that he understands my disease, but that it’s very difficult to live with someone who brings him down all the time and that our life is perfect and why can’t I see the beauty of life instead of being so angry all the time…doesn’t sound like he understands it to me.
Nothing could make me feel worse than having someone tell me that my disease brings them down, but at least he can get away from me. I can’t.
Medications help. It has nothing to do with circumstances in my life and I cry even on the most beautiful days God created. I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 14th, 2008 at 4:25 am
“After everything we have sacrificed for you.” I was a Pound Pup until I no longer made “My Carers.” look good. Yet suffered the burden of want. A child. Constantly sacrificed emotionally. Each step forward a trap lay in wait. Anyone would find themselves lost. Sick, sad at the sound of peoples laughter. What’s funny anymore? What is left to give or receive. When the guts have been ripped out. Adopted at five days old now dismissed at 54. Depression can be a symptom of abuse & threats, directed to serve only empty predators to amuse.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:01 am
“You need to get your act together! You’ve let your life go as far as it needs to go. You better spend the day thinking about your life. I’m upset with you, but I’m worried about you.” Then she told me she had things to do and hung up on me.This comes from a woman who can’t bother to talk to me, unless I unplug my phone for a few days, then she wants to bring the cops and break down my door.
I can go for weeks without talking to anyone, until they want to talk to me, then it’s an emergency and threats ensue. Whatever.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Thank you for this.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
“I Dream of Death”
What is death? Is it a wasteland of eternal torment and carnage or is it a place of never ending bliss and enlightenment. What is death? Is it the end of all time or is it the beginning of a new saga? What is death? Does it reside in the realm of mortals or does it pay homage to fallen angels?
I dream of death on a constant basis. I imagine it’s calm, seducing worlds of never ending white as the cleanest of all places. It’s not a land plagued by disease, deceit, or destruction. It is a place where all creatures are created equal, where all men and women are free of all obligations, and where all imagination ceases to exist.
I dream of death because it knows not of political correctness. No one cares when your skin is non existent. I dream of this fantastic world free of mans most basic necessities – shelter, food, and the need to procreate. This place doesn’t put limits on who it accepts. All wouldbe adventurers are welcome with open arms… whether you’re a house burglar that was shot upon breaking and entering or a policemen shot in the line of fire, death welcomes you with open arms and no bias of any kind. Whether you were Hitler in WWII or an advocate for racial peace in the sixties, death cares not.
It doesn’t discriminate against the elderly or the weak and disabled. It makes no difference to death what religion you once believed in. It matters not that all creatures of this universe are guilty of sin in one form or another. None of this has any bearing on gaining entry to the wonderful, complacent, and utterly quiet existence that is death.
Man has always stated that it is wrong to end the gift that is life by ones own accord. Why is this wrong? Is is truly wrong? Does death care? Does the inventor of life truly care? Did the creator of all life in fact create death? If so, why make it impossible to say goodbye to life if one is disgusted with the world around him? Who makes these rules? Surely, death has it’s own set of rules. Surely, they aren’t always obeyed. Who is going to punish those who don’t obey these rules?
Life for most starts out as a wonderful experience strife with new possibilities and endless combinations. Anything is possible… the imagination being the only limiter in this equation. All of this is truly beautiful until you factor in the innumerable negative factors that man has created for himself over the course of time.
Considering that life only brings in a fraction of joy compared to the overwhelming negative heartaches of everyday life as it’s been since mans inception, it’s a true miracle that someone hasn’t ended our existence with the push of a button in recent decades.
I dream of death
May 20th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
John,
Thanks for making such an effort with this post. As a Christian I’ll put my hand up and say that I disagree with almost everything that you’ve said : ), but it’s helpful on a site like this to have a cross-section of views and room for discussion.
Cheers.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:38 am
James,
Self-righteous much?
June 16th, 2008 at 3:42 am
Isa, you’ll need to clarify for me. James.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
The worst is when you say those things to yourself. That’s when hope has left.
So, for me I had to surround myself with people who saw hope for my future and leave those who didn’t give me hope.
June 21st, 2008 at 11:05 am
James,
I think you may have come across, in your comment to John above, as “there, there - good for you - nice effort - but I know better.”
But, I think and hope you rather want to listen, as Jesus himself did, to those who expressed pain and frustration and then guided them to hope rather than condemning them. After all, it was the religious priests of the day who condemned - not Jesus. Simply reading his story again will make this obvious.
James, I don’t think that was your initial intent - especially with this blog - you are hoping to bring hope to those who are seeking it. You yourself have raised your hand to show others you are not perfect just by telling your story.
I trust and hope your visitors will forgive you for your unintended comment.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Merri Ellen, thanks for bringing this to my intention. You are right in saying that I have come across poorly. That was certainly not my intention and I apologize to John and other readers. I was trying to express my gratitude to John for obviously putting a lot of time into writing the “comment”, while making the point that as a Christian I believe in God’s mercifulness. Jesus is full of empathy and compassion and I am trying to reflect this in my writing. Obviously, I need to work on it more, and this is a good case in point.
June 22nd, 2008 at 8:54 am
I’m 29 years old, and I’ve suffered from depression since I was about 5 years old, I believe. My family hit me with almost every one of the “insults” on the list at some point or another. But my personal favorite was the one that essentially prevented me from getting the help that I needed until I was 23 years old. It was: “Pray.” *sigh*
I’m a devout Catholic, and I would be wrong if I didn’t admit that my faith in God is probably the only thing that kept alive until I finally saw a doctor. But to tell a depressed person to “pray,” “just trust God for healing,” or “stop blocking God from sending healing by not thinking positive and seeing yourself well” while ignoring that God’s answer could be in the therapist down the street is not only insulting, it’s depressing.
Thanks for this. Your blog is amazing.
June 24th, 2008 at 12:02 am
Thanks James - Thanks for your apology and for being real.