Things to Say to Someone With Depression
August 12th, 2007A recent post was titled Ways to Insult Someone with Depression. This post is the flip-side, with things to say that are helpful.
1. Be On Their Side
- The depressed person will often be defensive, so an accusatory tone is not helpful. Try to convey a sense of understanding. It isn’t helpful to say “Why can’t you just get out of bed?” Instead try “You seem to have trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. What can I do to help you in this area?”
- The person may have lost perspective on how big a problem actually is. They will find it hard to hear that what is insurmountable for them is actually not such a big deal. It is unhelpful to say “What’s your problem? You’re upset about nothing.” Instead try “You seem to be finding this issue a big deal at the moment. Can we solve it together?”
- When I was very sick, I often thought that my wife was trying to ruin my life. To counter that kind of thinking she would often say “We are a team. I am on your side.”
- Depression is an awful illness, a whole world away from pure sympathy-seeking. So you should treat it as such. “I trust you. If you had a choice in the matter you wouldn’t choose to have depression. How about we search for some solutions together?”
2. Give Plenty of Reassurance
- Many people suffering with depression feel unworthy of being loved. You need to reassure them frequently. For example “I love you for who you are. I am not going to leave you.”
- In a similar vein, they may have lost the ability to recognize their positive attributes. You might reaffirm them with “You are a sensitive person who cares for others” or “People really love you a lot. They think you’re a great person.”
- If said repeatedly and with absolute sincerity then it is helpful to say “If you ever need a friend, I am here.”
3. Give Understanding and Sympathy
- People with depression can spend a lot of time ruminating on their situation and feeling sorry for themselves. Pointing it out to them is not helpful. Instead, try to sympathize.
- “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you, but you have all my sympathy.”
- “All I want to do is give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.”
- “I can’t honestly say that I know how you feel, but I want to help in any way I can.”
4. Offer to Help
- “Let me do anything you need me to do to help.”
- If you ask “What is the best thing I can do to help you right now?” don’t be offended if the reply is “Leave me alone”. Sometimes, that is the most helpful thing you can do at present.
- Well meaning people often attempt to immediately fix the problem. “Have you tried aromatherapy? There was an article about it in the paper…” . This kind of comment can come across as trivializing the illness. If you want to introduce a treatment idea, make sure you are respectful about the seriousness of depression. “It’s important that you stay on your medication and keep seeing your doctor. I’ve found some information on aromatherapy. Would you like to look into it with me?”
- While it is important to accept the person in the state they are in, don’t let it totally consume your life. Otherwise, you’ll fall in a heap and won’t be much help to anyone. You need to take care of yourself. “I am committed to you and to helping you. But I also need to eat / shop / go out for coffee / ring a friend / see a movie to recharge my batteries. Then I can look after you better.”
Please add anything else that you find helpful in the comments.
August 12th, 2007 at 8:18 am
Great tips, I will be sure to pass this around.
August 13th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
One of the most painful things when I was depressed was being in a situation that I would have really enjoyed before I became sick and realizing that I could no longer enjoy it. Not sure how this directly translates into ways to support someone who is depressed, but I think that this is something that is hard to understand if you haven’t been there (i.e., I definitely didn’t want to hear “BUT why don’t you want to go? You used to love this!” or “What’s your problem? This is your favorite!” That definitely always made a bad situation worse.
Trying new things did help a lot — I actually found a few forms of exercise that I liked (including yoga!).
Everyone’s depression is different, so this might not be a universal sentiment. Nonetheless, it’s definitely how I felt. I’ve found it really helpful to interact with others who’ve faced depression and read their stories at http://www.experienceproject.com/group_profile.php?g=109 (see my website link). The best way to not feel alone is to correspond with someone who does know just how you feel. And there’s always someone who does!
August 13th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
[…] Here is a list of the best things to say! […]
August 15th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Usually the best thing to say is say nothing. Keep your mouth shut.
Sometimes the depression hits hard (even when medicated) for no apparent reason and there are no words in the World that will change the situation.
The best move here is keep tabs on the person so no suicide idealisms come to the surface.
If that’s not likely (or clearly noticeable) then just let it be.
Sooner or later the person will come out of this depressive mood.
Anger might be present, so potential harm is possible to the person or to others.
At this point one should start talking. The main point is not let the anger take over completely. Try to defuse the anger if possible.
That can be possibly achieved by the “good words”. If not, call 911. You are not capable of doing nothing more than you already did and that is NOT a shame unless your words triggered the anger. Then, my fried, you are an Idiot.
At this point you better leave the place specially when other people is present to watch over the anger.
True, some observations made by people that have no idea of what depression is can make the situation unbearable for the depressed person.
Trying “good words” is valid but not always result in a mood change as fast as we would like to see.
It all depends how “deep” the person is in the depressive mood.
If suicide, anger, are not a factor, then the best is keep your mouth shut, wait patiently for the person “climb” out of that mood.
And yes, the person can ‘climb” out on his/her own. It may take hours, it may take days.
Also do not feel sorry for the depressed person and do not let the sorry, if present in you be seen by the depressed person. That won’t help either.
BTW, I’m no M.D. I speak from my on experience dealing with my own depressive mood.
August 18th, 2007 at 11:17 am
I agree with PK. I absolutely hate to be molly-coddled…or felt sorry for during a serious depressive episode. I would prefer no attention drawn to my episode.
August 21st, 2007 at 3:24 am
I went through a deep depression that lasted a few years. Finally a friend said two things to me,
‘If your car was running slowly, eating up gas, not performing, not starting, would you take it personally or take it to the shop?’
And, my favorite, ‘Imagine your little sister going through what you’re going through now, what advice would you give her?
The natural answer in my head was ‘why would I want better for her than myself?
August 26th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
[…] Bishop presents Things to Say to Someone With Depression posted at Finding Optimism, saying, “Suggestions of things to say to a depressed person, that […]
August 26th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Thanks for starting a conversation about this. So many people think you can just snap out of depression. They don’t understand this is a disease. You can’t tell a diabetic to snap out of it and eat a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Same thing with depression. People need to talk about depression so more people understand what it is. And yes - support is HUGE. I hate to think what would have happened to me without friends and family around me as hard as my depression was for them.
September 2nd, 2007 at 11:44 am
[…] Bishop presents Things to Say to Someone With Depression posted at Finding […]
September 6th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Please do not make the depressed person feel that their depression is a burden on you. Their inability to “snap out of it†or at least to hide it and knowing it is hurting you exacerbates the depression. Even if you don’t say it, they can figure out that they are a burden to you. Find some support to help you handle it that does not involved the depressed individual.
September 6th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
As someone who has struggled with depression and also speaking as a friend to a depressed person; I find some of the best advice is to listen, listen, listen and then listen some more. If that person isn’t ready to talk then sometimes saying nothing IS the best thing. You could take a walk; and just walk. And always remember that part of being a friend and caring about someone it being there for them; even when you don’t necessarily feel like it. You will not always agree with decisions or choices that others make but part of being a friend is supporting them through those choices.
September 17th, 2007 at 9:54 am
A lot of these replies are from depressed people, not from their caregivers. I have been a caregiver for nine years now. The person concerned will not take their meds, has been constantly angry, unable to work and so on. I cannot begin to describe how exhausting and debilitating this is. Depression has been called a ‘contagious’ illness and I can see why. The problem with dealing with a depressed person is that you are not dealing with THEM - you are dealing with the mask that their illness provokes. Depression can seem like an incredibly selfish illness - particularly when there are only two of you in the household and there is no one to share the burden of care. What’s the answer? I wish I knew. The illness itself often prevents the person from getting the treatment they need and you, and they, are caught up in a vicious circle. No words can help when the depression is deep. When the anger accompanies it, its even worse. Like dealing with Atzheimers, I feel that the person I knew is long gone - surfacing once in a while to remind me of what they once were. Please can we hear from more caregivers on this site? This is a frustrating, sad, lonely role. L, Vt
September 19th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
As someone who has had to cope with bipolar disorder (primarily with major depression) since childhood, I can understand the feelings and frustrations that are common to depressed people. And as a caregiver to someone who also has bipolar disorder and many physical problems as a consequence of a nearly-successful suicide attempt ten years ago, I also understand from that angle. Depression has to be one of the most challenging problems that can confront a person and their loved ones. At times anything the patient cannot say or even think of anything positive, and the carers may feel that they cannot do or say anything that makes a positive difference. At these times regular contact with the members of a support group that is specifically concerned with these situations is VITAL!! I have had major help from the Depressive and Bipolar Support Alliance, and recommend that every concerned person get in touch with them and attend group sessions. Tell your esperience, ask questions, and listen to suggestions from those who have been where you are now.
September 28th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
This is wonderful. Sometimes even the most well meaning people don’t quite how to support a depressed person and would value from this information.
October 1st, 2007 at 3:22 pm
I recently had surgery and have a small scar. A good friend asked if I was treating it with vitamin e to help it go away, and my response was no (thinking to myself why would I do that? What do I care? I don’t take care of myself anymore. Don’t excercise, poor sleeping habits, etc). But then she said “why not?” and I thought, she’s absolutely right! Why not? Take care of yourself! So I’ve been doing more of that, and it really helps. I also had a doctor tell me I had to watch the news, which I thought was crazy at the time, but he was right. It helps get me out of my head.
October 3rd, 2007 at 3:00 pm
For myself, depression hit at puberty and is a daily fact of life. The “leave me alone” factor is so strong that sometimes hearing the positive phrases you mention (We’re in this together, I’m not gonna leave you, etc), while endearing, can induce strong guilt feelings. “Gee, this person is hitching themselves to a lead weight” “I’m gonna drag them down, this isn’t fair of them to do this.” “They are going to be mad at me when they fail to cheer me up.” are all thoughts I’ve had when friends and family have vowed to stick by me. Sometimes it hurts to be reassured that you’re not alone.
The thing is, each depressed person is, before anything else, an individual. No two cases of depression are the same. What works for one will damage another, and there are no hard and fast rules for how to do it right. For me, when help is offered it usually amplifies the depression; for others it could be exactly the right thing. If you’re dealing with a depressive, you probably already know them. Tailor your approach to what you know of your friend/family member/co-worker.
Possibly you can even ask them, on a less-depressed day (if they have one) what they find most comforting and what well-meaning actions are hurtful to them specifically. Perhaps they won’t answer; perhaps they will deny that anything helps. I had someone in my life who fought my depression tooth and claw; which made it soooo much worse. I didn’t know how to tell him that, and eventually it got so bad that I had to send him away permanently. He wasn’t able to understand that being helpful wasn’t helpful.
I’d certainly never claim that this is true of most depressed people; I’ve only ever been myself, after all. My main point is to look at each case individually. If someone offered to take a walk with me, I’d be deeply hurt because I have a very bad back and anyone expecting a walk to make me feel better really would make things worse. For someone else, a walk could be great, get them outdoors, fresh air, grass, trees… life all around. It’s different for everyone, and the best thing I think a caregiver of a depressive can do is get to know the person as well as you can before you start trying to fix things.
Because you can’t often “fix” things. Depression isn’t something that gets cured. It’s something you learn to live with through coping techniques and medications and lots of patience.
In addition to dealing with my own depression, it runs in my family. My mother, two aunts, several cousin, grandfather, etc… People try to deny that illness in general can have a genetic factor, and they also don’t like to admit that depression is an illness at all. In my experience, it seems so self-evident. Again, as others here have said, an understanding of the facts about the disease (dis-ease, not at ease, an incredibly appropriate term for depression when you think about it) itself are vital to helping someone cope with it. Learn the general facts, learn the specific facts of the case you’re dealing with, and customize an approach to fit the situation at hand.
January 3rd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I am fifteen years old and I was first diagnosed with depression when i was thirteen years old. From personal experience i believe the first and most important thing for those around you to acknowledge is that they know its not an exageration. Think of someone having a heart attack. If you tell them “O it’ll be fine. Just keep your chin up and your heart will start” that wont help at all. Depression is the same. The brain is incapable of functioning normally. The fact that the people around realize this is a disease and not a pity party is probablly biggest comfort you can give them. And nurture them. The human touch is always comforting. Let them know time and time again you love them and your with them!
January 5th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Laurie,
I’m glad you found something that helped you. But in my case (and it has been many years since I was depressed) I found that *not* watching the news was helpful because the news tended to reinforce my view of the world as a cold and violent place.
I think it’s important not to give the depressed person the idea that you’re trying to change him. He needs to know he is loved just as he is.
January 10th, 2008 at 10:06 am
People may say things about you but it’s never really true. I’ve been there i had friends that thought was friends but they made lies about me. ALL i’m saying is never stike out because your afraid.
January 10th, 2008 at 10:07 am
THANK YOU
January 20th, 2008 at 2:01 am
I have been depressed for over half of my life. It has caused countless situations and losses in my life. Mainly relationships.
I would tell someone who knows someone who is depressed to ask them to a movie, a long walk with a picnic. Discuss their situation and ask them what you can do to help them. Then give them an alternative view that is unlike the one they have. Some things are better if a friend throws you a curve ball and gives you a differnet perpective than you already have. It takes people to get involved and help the depressed one to pull them up by their shoelaces..someone once told me..tie a knot in the rope and hold on when life is swinging you.
I think most people who are depressed are pessimistic. There are changes that need to take place…goals to set and try to achieve. Groups who need volunteers…ect..
Depression is a Killer. It will lead to Suicidal thoughts and actions.
It comes from being idle. You have to fight it just like you fight Cancer.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
hi, been reading all your letters,wow!gave me a real eye opener. my friend has depression been addmitted into hospital and released with meds,home a couple of wks then decided she wasn’t depressed and is still now in denial and thats coming up for a year now and still no meds and still in denial, we ARE best friends but she doesn’t see it that way just now, i understand and i’m fine about it, i want to help her with everything i have inside me but sometimes i want to walk away my life would be so much easier and stress free, but i know who she is behind this mask she wears, she’s alive and well she’s the total opposite of the person thats infront of me today, help me please with what to say to help she wont talk about it at all
March 9th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I dont usualy leave comments on sites
but depression is something i know well
and i felt i should leave a couple something
im 15
started experiencing depression since i was 12
badly
the worst came when i was 14 though
i ended up on meds and a visit for stitches
but now im all better =]
support and help that i hadnt before really helped
but the reason i hadnt had help and support before was because id never said anything
i kept everything to myself and things got worse
which shows that telling someone is the best way to go if you suffer from depression
its not something you should battle on your own
because more than likely you wont win without reinforcement
I would like to thank my brother
even though he may never read this
but he is and was always there for me
and im there for him and he knows that
Goodluck to all in there battles in life
March 17th, 2008 at 3:23 am
I came to this site to find out what to say and what not to say to someone who is depressed. It was interesting reading the different stories ppl have shared in relation to their illness.
I thank the person who wrote in as a caregiver. I too am a caregiver and live with my partner. It is draining…so draining. and all i seem to do is make the situations worse. I try to help, try to take his mind off things, wake him up in the morning, encourage him to get work. But i feel like i can’t do it anymore. I have a very important year coming up and i feel like he would benefit so much more with me as a friend. would love to hear someone else’s opinion; from a caregivers persepective especially.
TH
March 18th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I had my first real depressive “breakdown” at 22, and finally got hospitalized at 25 (when enduring all the horrible physical effects of depression, such as not being able to eat, not being able to get up, cramps, etc.), after numerous attempts to find the right shrink.
It was at the clinic that I realized I had had the depression in milder forms for probably about 10 years already.
Ignorance about one’s own problems usually wards off the help of others, because one believes one is in a normal state of mind. (If you don’t know about your depression and it isn’t all that severe, then you start adapting to the alleged fact that this is simply what life feels like. Add a few people who give you the “shit happens, c’est la vie” -stuff, and you’re stuck in that mindset.)
But also, it made me realize that most people are bad at detecting depressions and mental disorders; they are inclined to think that either one has a bad day or that one’s character is of a more “grouchy” kind of nature. The latter is the worst I’ve had to endure in terms of the social effects of a depression - being assigned the role of the asshole, coward, loser, lost thinker…you name it. While I agree that everyone seems to have specific personal experiences with their depression, this really being harrassed (or at least, the subjective perception thereof) seems to constitute a very general feature of a depression, and it HAS to be communicated to the ones around you that this is the very least you need.
Depression is sometimes viewed from a more positive angle: it startles your reflection on important life issues, your own mistakes and those of friends and relatives; changes your perspective on the value of the little things in life; makes you reconsider whether your friends are really good company for you.
My own experience is that this may sometimes be a fruitful attempt at looking at one’s illness, yet it is exactly during (cyclical upswings of) depression that one can’t and shouldn’t change one’s life all that drastically. Moreover, being told by the ones around you that “life can be so great” almost certainly undermines your self-respect because one usually takes these sentences to be directed against your lifestyle and the burden you impose on others. (Needless to say a depression blocks any real kind of lifestyle to begin with.)
I am writing this because I feel it is paramount to stress the need for communication - among the depressed, but even more between the depressed and the caregivers. In my case, hardly anyone ever took note of the gravity of my situation - someone who always seemed to be so successful in such different areas of life. We usually don’t know much about each other, whether or not we are ill…
As a remedy for the illness, apart from the right medication and a well-trained and experienced (!) therapist, there is nothing like a few people who really seem to love you and want to find out who you are, so you can “reconstitute yourself” (it really starts becoming a philosophical problem after a while.). So long as they avoid the pitfalls (above.)
April 8th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Is it ever too late to do something? I didn’t have any help when my fiancée and I first started dating. I did all of the wrong things, and he finally said he needed space and left and decided to take a week away from me. That was the point that I realized that I didn’t know anything about the disease living in my home. Is it too late to do something? What can I do for him right now?
May 20th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
“Depression is a Killer. It will lead to Suicidal thoughts and actions.
It comes from being idle.”
This is soooo true. I would hazard a guess that 90% of depressed people lead the very definition of a sedentary lifestyle which means zero physical exercise, zero mental exercise or both. They get up and go to work… and that’s it.
No social practice and no physical practice - eventually, the body and mind wear down to the brink of exaustion = critically bored with life.
If I didn’t have a family: I would have flipped this world and this existence the bird LOOOOONG ago.
I’ve seen a multitude of individual posts on this site that tote drugs as the ‘only’ true answer for someone who is clinically depressed.
If one who is severely depressed well understands the effects of various mind altering drugs on the brain…. how can a DR. honestly expect this person (who already admits to him/herself that there is a chemical imbalance in their body) to injest such substances in their right mind?
Fromgodknowswhere-X is MORE safe than the garbage they’re putting in depressed peoples mouths (I would haphazard a guess).
I lost site with this post as I’m rambling now.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
sight…. I’m not ‘that’ bad at spelling
June 20th, 2008 at 5:25 am
who do you know if someone is depressed?
What are the symptoms?
My father says he had depression and he couldnt get out of his bed in the morning etc/
My wife who I think has depression is able to get out of bed and focus on her job and our son only. I am told that being able to focus on your job and that alone is enough, anything more than that and they shut down.
My wife has no labido, breaks down in into tears frequently, is always tired and exhausted. She works, goes to her parents house (she lives with them t the moment as they do everything for her), sees to our son, does work in preparation for the next day and then goes to bed early as she is exhausted.
We have a son aged 19 months. All my wife thinks about is her work and our son. Nothing else and nothing else comes in the way of this. Yet when I can get her to go out to a gig or the park, she is a different person, like the old person I knew.
She frequently tells me shes feeling low, shattered, exhausted, fed up, nothing to wear, getting old (aged 36), grey hair, lines on face, doesn’t believe she is beautiful and yet I have told her this for x10 years. She lives in a cacoon where she goes to bed early and alone and curls up in the corner of the bed.
Now she wont let me see my son more than x1 night per week and it has to be at my parents and not back in our own house. Sometimes to look at her she is like a blank canvas and its as if the real person has been stolen from me.
What can I do?
She suffered from depression at the age of 19 and was put on beta blockers then by the Dr.
She is on thyroxine now but is it the correct level?
One minute shell phone me up crying that she needs help and she cant do something, and the next shell text me clinically back to her old cold self.
help!
June 21st, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Anna has replied to this comment privately but please contribute if you would like to.
June 22nd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
The most dificult thing of being depress is when your couple does not care if you are or not
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:41 am
Ooooh this has been interesting reading. I love all the shareing of experiences. I have been a wife, exwife,carer and friend to a person suffering depression for the last 12 years (diagnosed) and i feel the pain and saddness of you all. What helps? All this,everything helps. Knowing there are heeps of people surviving, loving and striving for life and love. My strength is to support the children we have brought into this world who deserve all the knowledge of depression available. As adults its difficult to understand children seem to get it so lats teach them who knows what they can inturn teach us.
Stength and optimism to you all
June 23rd, 2008 at 5:32 am
Peter hang in there read everything you can just remember it is the illness not your wife look after yourself and your son when you can as you are of the best support if you stay strong
be patient understanding loving non judgmental all those other really positive attributes
Good luck to you all