12 Ways to Care for a Depressed Person
August 9th, 2007The person with depression usually can’t see a way forward. They may fervently believe that nobody can help them, and life is pointless. That doesn’t mean that they’re right, and there are plenty of things that you can do to help.
The type and amount of care that you can give will depend on your relationship with the person, but here are some ideas.
1. Understand the illness.
Learn all that you can about depression. The better you grasp the illness, the more effective you will be in giving your care and understanding. It will help you to understand why the person behaves the way they do, and better equip you to respond appropriately.
2. Seek Appropriate Treatment
This is such a far-reaching, wide-ranging topic that I would be foolish to give advice. Suffice to say that it will be helpful for you to explore the treatment options available in your area and suggest to the person that they need professional help. It might be helpful for them if you go along to the first or subsequent appointments.
If he or she won’t admit their illness then explain why you are concerned and perhaps provide them with some helpful written information to chew over.
3. Provide Emotional Support
Your partner or friend needs patience, care and understanding. They have a real illness, and just like someone with cancer they can’t just “snap out of it”. If they could, they would. Saying things that show ignorance about the illness is counterproductive and will reinforce their negative thinking.
The best way to communicate is to empathize, listen more than talk, and ask questions like “How can I support you?” or “How can I help?”
4. Keep the Illness Separate
The illness and the person suffering the illness are not the same thing, so keep them separate. When they express pessimism, anger, frustration, or sadness, it is the illness talking not the person. If you separate the two you will find it easier to cope emotionally. It will help you to be a more effective carer.
5. Listen Non-Judgmentally
Don’t try to talk a depressed person out of their feelings, no matter how irrational they sound. This is likely to compound the problem. It is better to remain neutral and say something like “You are obviously really suffering with this. What can I do to help you feel better?” Keep your suggestions, solutions and advice for another time.
6. Make a Plan
Help the person to make a plan for coping with depression. Identify things that trigger or worsen the depression and things that make it better. Think through and list the ideas formally on paper. Help them to put this plan into action. Some positive, helpful things to include are getting to bed early, having adequate sleep, exercising regularly, drinking plenty of water and eating healthy foods.
7. Look after yourself
As a carer you are likely to be under stress. You need to care for yourself by taking time out and recharging your batteries. Find other friends or relatives who you can talk to and rely on at a pinch. Sometimes you will need a sounding-board to keep things in perspective. Make sure you continue to live your own life as well, and spend time doing things you enjoy.
There are services that provide education and support for carers. Through information sessions and support groups, you can talk to people who are in a similar position.
8. Organize their medicines
If your partner or friend is taking medicine for depression then it is crucial for them to follow their prescription. Too many people go on and off their anti-depressants depending on how they feel. This all but eliminates their effectiveness.
I take medicine at night without any problems, but if it wasn’t for my wife handing the pills to me I would never take them in the mornings. She also fills my scripts and tells me when to go to the doctor for more. It’s not laziness; it’s just the nature of depression. More than once I have spent hours in bed staring at my pills, but not had the mental energy to actually take them. If your partner or friend is not complying with their prescription, try to find out how you can help.
9. Support network.
Introduce the idea of joining a support network for depression. This will give them an outlet for discussing their problems and receiving input, and help them to discover that there are other (normal) people experiencing similar problems. There are depression support groups everywhere. Make sure that you find one that is positive and focused on recovery. Inward looking, pessimistic groups can be unhelpful.
10. Get out and About
One of the most therapeutic things that a depressed person can do is step out the front door. Natural light is very beneficial, especially early in the day. Exercise also has proven benefits. Something as simple as taking a walk or gardening should lift the person’s mood. Anything low-key that involves going out can also help; seeing a movie, meeting friends, or going out to eat, just to name a few ideas.
11. Help with daily tasks
When your body is heavy and your mind is dark, there is nothing harder than the burdens of everyday life. Something that seems minor to you may be an insurmountable task to your friend or partner. Ease their burden by helping with the daily load - running errands, doing the shopping, cooking, taking the kids out for a couple of hours. You may be surprised to find that helping with a very simple chore could relieve them of a lot of stress.
12. Spend normal time together
Just spending time with the person lets them know that you care and want to understand their problems. Enjoy the reasons for being their companion in the first place. It’s important that they live as normal a life as possible. Help them to do this by carrying on your relationship with them in a normal fashion. Don’t let everything get dark and serious. Find some positive things and try to enjoy them together.
The points above are very general by necessity. I realize that they don’t fit all circumstances, but I hope that you find at least a few helpful ideas.
August 18th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Thank you for this (and your other) helpful, practical post about dealing with a depressed person. My husband (and, by extension, I) has been struggling for a while and today is the day I am finally telling him he needs professional help. I still don’t know exactly how he will handle it, but there are a few good phrases you suggest and an attitude I can adopt so I don’t somehow make things worse. I wish you speed and love in your healing process. Thank you for reaching out at what is surely not an easy time.
August 25th, 2007 at 9:00 am
[…] article, “12 Ways to Care for a Depressed Person” suggests ways that you can help someone you love who is depressed. These 12 steps include: […]
September 6th, 2007 at 11:30 am
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September 6th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
there is one thing that needs to be added under the take care of yourself. Avoid feeling guilty when you can not always be understanding. To remember that some time you are going to get angry at the illness not the person. then you are going to feel bad because you got angry or frustrated. alway remember that is is the illness not the person saying some of the things that hurt or ignoring you when you are in need of support. as a child with a parent witn major depression for 30+ years I had to learn that she was not rejecting me when she was so wrapped up in her own pain that she did not see my needs. To remeber that we are not perfect we are going to get frustrated angry and think if not actual say hateful things.
September 8th, 2007 at 1:13 am
This was my first time to this sight. For me I am the depressed one and a lot of problems with family members I think that should read this. Not only depression I have Hepatitis c & siroccos of the liver & ostiopenia. Many reasons among others for my depression I have copied and printed this to let my family know just what is going on with ME. I did also copied Things to say to someone with Depression and Ways to insult someone with depression. I am hoping that my Son, & Mom so they can advice other family and friends. I do believe this information should help a lot. Thank you.
September 9th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Depression to me is alot like the song by a group called, Super Tramp, “The Magical Song” ‘When I was young send that life was so magical, …. then they sent me away teach me how to be pratical…. teach me how to be cynical….’ In my family, if you are not cynical, you are weird, don’t belong, I have I guess no people skills and really don’t mix well with others. I have rarely ever felt like I belong anywhere, most people say I just think to much and feel sorry for myself too much. It doesn’t feel that way though, it feels like a deep black hole that I see no way out and no light at the end of the magical tunnel everyone professes there is.
September 12th, 2007 at 11:38 am
I thought the article was enlightening and helpful. I have a question though about points 3-5, Provide Emotional Support, Keep the Illness Separate, and Listen Non-Judgmentally. What about when the depressed person takes the most minor of negative occurances and blows them entirely out of proportion, transferring, projecting, and venting upon the carer. It’s very difficult to practice points 3-5 when one feels like they are being irrationally attacked and blamed. It seems that when I try and explain this to the person I care for, it is completely lost on her and I end up feeling very frustrated and not very helpful. Any suggestions?
September 14th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
Thank you for this article. I agree with John’s post wholeheartedly. Most people don’t understand, especially when the only see me when I’m doing ok.
Below is an excerpt from an email I sent my brother.
Please read this ( http://www.findingoptimism.com/lifestyle/12-ways-to-care-for-a-depressed-person/ ) and related posts. I want you to better understand how difficult it is for me at times. Some days are better than other weeks. Most people don’t see when I am totally immobilized by this illness. Mind you things are getting better from the ongoing therapy (3x per week ++) I’ve been receiving at the Center for Concurrent Disorders. Finally people who understand.
September 14th, 2007 at 11:06 pm
Thank you for your excellent comments.
When I’m deeply depressed my biggest problem by far is a raging irritability. My wife, who has been very loving and patient with me for years, becomes my chief outlet for angst. When I say “separate the person from the illness” that is really her speaking as the carer. She has learned to recognize when I’m ill, and allow for the fact that I’m a very different person. In particular she has knows how to diffuse situations that I try to create with my nasty, needling comments. She doesn’t take the bait.
Depression is really a whole spectrum of mood disorders lumped together and people have different symptoms. For some a profound sadness dominates, for others it is anger, or irritability like for me. The advice in the post is general by necessity. And some people do need a good kick up the posterior - there might be nothing better for them than to get outside and on with life.
I learned a powerful lesson when I first started to recover from depression. Since my teens I thought that I had all sorts of emotional problems, baggage tied up with my family and upbringing. As I became well I discovered that these issues went away, almost completely. I know that many people have very significant problems forming the basis of their depression, but it is an ugly illness that changes you and makes those thought processes so much worse.
September 14th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
There is a book by Julie Fast called either “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder” or “Loving Someone with Manic Depression”.
While written for a carer of someone with bipolar, the planning and strategies that Julie Fast teaches are very transferable to unipolar depression. If you are having the problem that John is having above then this could be just the thing for you to read.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
Very moving information. Will print this off for myself, am bipolar, splitting up with husband, found someone else yet is the depressed one. Has taken it out on me, no longer wants to have a wife who is bipolar and care for me when needed but has depression that I think is not being treated by his doctor. He has taken his rage out on me and has called me weird and others say I’m weird too. Very hurtful when you are bioplar so see both sides, depression and bipolar. Not a very good combo. Compares my hospital bills, trying to commit sucide as making him broke, going to go into bankruptcy but charges car parts to equal my hospital bill and then says that we are equal. So unfair.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
My sister, who I love more than I can ever hope to express, has been suffering from depression for almost as long as I can remember. While we were never very close growing up, mostly due to the fact that I am 6 years her junior and as children we were both constantly fighting for love and attention from our depressed father and emotionally abusive mother; in recent years we have grown very close. She is my best friend. Four years ago she was diagnosed with ‘manic depression’ and at first that didn’t mean anything to me, but now I find it glaringly obvious how my sister struggles through daily life.
She considers herself worthless, fat, ugly, ect. But when I look at her I see a woman who has survived through terrible physical, mental, and sexual abuse, who has been living on her own since she was 16, who made it through college and is now a researcher at Yale. I see a woman who has worked her way from a size 14 pant to a 9, who is so amazingly beautiful inside and out… and, while I hate to admit it, sometimes I am so frustrated that she doesn’t see these things as well.
I hate that she won’t laugh with me anymore, I hate that she’s never happy, that I never say the right things, that I’m not enough to make her better… And I know, that she doesn’t choose to be depressed, that she would give anything to be ‘normal’. I don’t blame her or judge her… I understand that depression takes years of therapy and medication to overcome… if at all possible. But sometimes it’s just so hard… and I feel so guilty that sometimes I just need to leave the situation before I break down… that sometimes I need to leave her… I feel awful about it.
I’m only 19… and while I’ve lived through a lot for my age, I don’t know how to care for her, like she needs me too; we really only have each other… I’m trying, as best I can.
My sister often goes back to an un-healthy relationship she has been in, off-and-on, for about 10 years now. When they are off, this guy usually calls me and leaves messages on my voicemail to give to my sister. I never do, but a few days ago he left one saying that my sister told him her therapist wants her to be hospitalized… I can’t help but think I’m doing something wrong…
I have a very accepting and forgiving nature, while my sister tends to hold things inside and break down… we deal with our struggles so differently…. I suppose that is why I have trouble caring for her and understanding what she needs from me.
I just needed to get this all out. Thank you.
September 18th, 2007 at 6:16 am
[…] noticed from feedback that I’ve received, from two posts in particular (12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression and Things to Say to Someone with Depression), that issues and worries facing carers are a major […]
September 19th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Jamie, I am a bipolar patient (primarily major depression) who was very touched by your post. Your sister is VERY fortunate that you are so caring about her. It is often the case that depressed people come from un-nurturing homes where they cannot develop normal self-esteem and where criticism and punishment are the primary means of correction, rather than teaching and encouraging. This was true for me, and it is only in the past few years (I am now 64) that I feel good about myself, thankful to be alive, and able to face ordinary problems without collapsing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Your sister may struggle with this disorder for her whole lifetime. She needs to be encouraged to stand up for herself to anyone who is disrespectful to her, to see her doctor and/or therapist regularly (and speak honestly to them!), to be faithful in taking her meds, and to connect with a good support group. I recommend the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance; they have helped many thousands of mood-challenged people and those who care about them over the past 30 or so years.
Best wishes, dear. God bless you for your loving, caring heart!
September 23rd, 2007 at 10:58 am
I, too, suffer bipolar (prefer manic-depressive it describes so much better). Mainly, I suffer on the depression side. I relate to Yen so very much. What was said about and to Jamie were right-on. I am fortunate to have surrounded myself by loving and patient carers. I have broken down emotionally way too many times. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have thought about suicide and tried twice. At 62, I’m a bit better with my self-esteem. It is amazing how the emotional abuse of childhood can stay with us so long. I’m too fat, too stupid, too ugly, too lazy, too…….. All of this rooted in my childhood and the family that surrounded me.
I’m grateful to have found this site and these marvelous people. I hope I can associate for as long as I need to (which will be the rest of my life).
Hugs to all…
November 25th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
This list is SO helpful. My husband has suffered from depression since pre-teen years and has gone through substance abuse (before we married), rehab, more substance abuse, and several different therapists. When we married, he was “normal” and was going through a very good period. I knew of his issues and loved him anyway, even knowing that his depression could resurface at any time.
It has recently resurfaced, but he usually knows when it gets so bad that he needs to go back into counseling. His current psychologist seems to be a wonderful guy and is helping. Husband is also on Prozac, after trying different types of depression meds (Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Celexa). Sometimes they work for a few years and then you have to switch. Things are looking up, but it is frustrating to be the carer an not know how to handle the “monster” inside. The irritability, the “person” speaking who isn’t actually my husband but the illness. Sometimes it can feel so helpless for both of us.
Thanks so much for this resource.
December 6th, 2007 at 9:00 am
my wife suffers from bipolar disorder and has real bad mood swings and crazy thoughts i dont know what to do to make her happy.she is really good hearted person and all but sometimes says and does stuff she does not mean.i am doing and reading everything i can to learn all about bipolar disorder and what i have learned has helped this relationship a lot.
December 16th, 2007 at 1:36 am
This is a really, really good post. I tried to write something similar, but your post is way more detailed. Thank you for posting this.
December 31st, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Thanks for the insight, I have had family members that have been depressed, however this is different when the man I love is having such an issue, I want to help him and do my best to do what I can for him, but we seem to getting further and further apart. thanks again for your website. Kirt I love you and wish I could help.
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:10 am
very nice advice indeed!
January 18th, 2008 at 10:44 am
I have sister whom I have never got along with our whole lives. She lives with an illness, poor academic marks, a weak social network and has nothing to look forward to amongst all of the signs of depression… meanwhile never really opens up to anyone because we’re always so f***ing judgemental. We selfishly exert our thoughts and opinions upon her, thinking that it will help her click out of it and take control of something but it’s all self interest, it only makes us feel better about ourselves in the end.
My parents are exhausted and feel like failures. and this has made me realise that it is time for me to be a positive influence. All this time i have been reacting negatively to an illness, not her. The illness is present 95% of the time and she is believing that it is her herself.
I refuse to believe this is a hopeless situation, the way my parents feel, they feel hopeless and helpless.
I feel so profoundly guilty that I have been detached for so long and left her behind. I am the big sister i should be there i should have always been there.i really have no idea what it is like to be her. i have it so easy in comparison. the complexity of this problem is enormous. i know it will be hard for me to be a real carer but harder for her.
There is a better future because things change, everything is changeable and transient, even if it is not always in our control.
Thank you for this page.
March 23rd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Been in AAs 12 step program for 33 years now and what a good program it is for me. I noticed you have not mentioned AA JIM
April 1st, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Thanks for this site and all of your input! I have a sister who I am trying to care for and I too am very frustrated with her illness. Now I see more light and feel empowered by all of the above letters. I was ready to give up and become very angry at her and now I feel I can become a better carer. Thanks so much xxoo
April 18th, 2008 at 12:39 am
This list surely look valuable for me, my girl friend is currently suffering from depression so
this has given me the guidance to help her and bring back those pretty smiles back to her face.
Thank you so much for this publication.
May 4th, 2008 at 5:44 am
Thank you for the comments.It helped me a lot especially that I’m living with a loved one who is depressed. Please do post more tips if you have helpful materials at hand. This is a big help to all others out there.
May 15th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
very helpful
June 6th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Does anyone know what the right appoach would be to get the depressed person to seek help from a psychiatrist. There have been many attempts without any success…